07x01 - Benson the Hero

[bunniefuu]

They'll be ready to start
The grand-opening ceremony

In just a minute.

Well,
I certainly hope so.

Standing here
With these big scissors,

I feel like
Godzilla's manicurist.

[ laughs ]

[ g*nshots ]

Woman: help! Help!
He robbed us!

Oh.

Oh, benson,
Look out!

Uh, gee, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?
You stopped this bum.

Benson,
You are a hero.

What kind of a reward
Is that?

Benson, did you see
This picture of yourself

In cityscape magazine?

Is that me?

It looks like
Billy dee williams.

Oh.

You know,
It really is amazing.

Everywhere I turn,

I hear your name,
And I see your face.

When is everyone going to finish
Fawning over this man?

I mean,
It's been two months.

You act as if
He brought us peace in our time.

Clayton.
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
He stopped a petty thief.

I mean,
The television shows,

The magazine articles,
The awards.

What are we gonna do next --

Build him a temple
And bring him fruit?

No,
But you might consider

Throwing yourself into a volcano
On my behalf.

Excuse me,
Lieutenant governor?

Yes, young man.
Come in.

Lieutenant governor
Benson dubois, right?

Deputy springer
From the sheriff's department.

Hey, I voted for you.

You're doing a great job.
I really admire you.

Thank you very much.

I've got something
For you.

It's good to see a brother
Doing it.

Have a good day.

Nice young man,
Huh?

What is this,
Another award?

Why don't we just perma-plaque
The man and be done with it?

[ chuckles ]

It's a subpoena.

A subpoena?
For what?

Yeah, I'm being sued
By "Skippy" lee white.

Do you mean to say the robber
You caught is suing you?

That's right.
For $. million.

Let me see that.

Give me that.

Let me look at that.

I can't believe you are letting
Clayton act as your attorney.

I always try to get
The right man for the right job.

This lawsuit is stupid.
Need I say more?

Governor:
Shh. Here he comes.

Hi, clayton.

Good luck
With f. Lee dummkopf.

Well, benson, I have plotted
A brilliant strategy

For your defense.

Well,
One thing, clayton.

During the hearing,
Don't get clever.

Benson,
What are you worried about?

There is no way
I can lose this case.

I'm sure there's a way.

I just don't want you
To stumble upon it.

Did you find out who's
Representing "Skippy" lee white?

Yes, I found out.
I do my homework.

It's an attorney
Named robert charles walker.

I never heard of him.

Obviously some neophyte trying
To make a name for himself.

[ chuckles ]

I'm going to chew him up
And spit him out.

[ laughs ]

All right, boys.
That's enough, now.

[ chuckles ]
All right, now.

Y'all get it all over with now.
Not until after the case.

Who is that?

Oh, no, it's him.

It's who?

It's nevada
Bob...Bob...Bob.

Who is that?

That's "Nevada"
Bob walker.

Don't you recognize him,
Benson?

His picture was on the cover
Of person magazine.

Bob...Bob...Bob.

Clayton,
Will you be quiet?

Is that the guy who was on tv
And sued canada?

And won.

Are you okay?

[ exhales sharply ]
I'm fine.

How about that?
"Nevada" bob walker.

Snarf! Snarf!

He's snarfing again.

Snarf! Snarf!

Walk him around.

Snarf! Snarf!

Roll your head.

Snarf!

Howdy,
You must be benson doo-boys.

Benson dubois.

[ chuckles ]
Well, I'm "Nevada" bob walker.

Maybe you heard of me.

Yes, yes,
As a matter of fact,

We were just talking
About you.

Nice outfit.

Now, mr. Doo-boys,
Before we get started,

I just wanted you to know
That I'm not taking one red cent

To handle
This young man's case.

No, sir.

Oh, well,
That's very admirable.

What are
You doing it for?

Uh, well, uh...

I'm writing a book,

And I'm looking
For a big finish.

What's it got to do
With me?

Well, I've been following
Your career, mr. Doo-boys,

And the people of this state
Look upon you

As an honorable man,
A man of integrity.

Thank you very much, but
I'm just trying to do my job.

Well,
They made a hero out of you

And put you up
On a kind of pedestal.

Yeah, well...

If I could knock you off
Of that pedestal,

That'd be a feather in my cap,
Wouldn't it?

[ laughs ]

What is it
You're trying to say?

Mr. Doo-boys,
I'm saying that

I'm gonna make a mockery of you
And everything you stand for,

And I'm gonna enjoy it.

It's been real nice
Talking to you.

All rise.
County court now in session.

The honorable edmund j. Harper
Presiding.

Be seated.

Now, this is
A preliminary hearing

Into the matter of
Mr. Horace "Skippy" lee white

Vs. The honorable
Benson dubois,

Lieutenant governor
Of the state.

Your honor, your honor,
May I approach the bench?

Would you mind waiting
Until I'm finished?

It's very important.

Oh, well,
Then come on up.

Uh...

I hope we're not in
For another one

Of your exhilarating
Performances, dubois.

No, no, no, ned.
No, no.

You see,
I've got a little problem.

Clayton, my lawyer,
He's not feeling well.

Is there anything you can do
For me?

Maybe I can
Get another lawyer.

You can get
A continuance.
Oh, good, good.

I can have you back
In this courtroom in months.

months?

I can't have this hanging
Over my head for that long.

Is that the best
You can do?

Take it or leave it.

I guess
I'll just have to take it.

I'll just have to
Handle the case myself.

[ chuckles ]

You're in a tough spot,
Dubois.

[ chuckles ]

Mr. Dubois has decided

To act as his own attorney
This afternoon.

[ camera shutters clicking ]

[ gavel bangs ]

Judge harper:
Order! Order!

Order, please!

Now, may we continue
With the proceedings?

Mr. Walker,
Your opening statement, please.

Your honor,
I'm not a real smart man,

But it seems clear to me

That we've got ourselves
A real simple case here.

Over here, mr. Doo-boys.

Now, he's a successful man,
A powerful man,

A man of influence
And position.

Yeah, but I'm not
A man with $. million.

And over here,
We have mr. "Skippy" lee white,

Who hasn't been
As fortunate as mr. Doo-boys.

He has no family,
No guidance.

He's a man
Unable to pull himself up

By his own boot straps

Because,
Frankly, he has no boots.

He could've sold his g*n
And bought boots.

Your honor,
I'm going to prove

That this lieutenant governor
Is a scofflaw, a vigilante,

A common thug
Sitting in the seat of power,

Dispensing his justice
Like a king of egypt.

Well, that don't go --
Not in this u.S. Of a. No, sir.

I want to thank you
For listening.

Mr. Dubois?

What? Now what?

Your opening statement,
Please?

Oh.
[ chuckles nervously ]

Well, um...
[ clears throat ]

Your honor,
Mr. "Skippy" lee white

Is a man
Who makes a living

By pointing a g*n at people
And taking their money.

I did what
Any normal citizen would do.

I stopped him.
That's all I have to say.

That's it?

That's your response
To "The kings of egypt"?

Well, it was short.

May we continue, please?

[ clears throat ]
Your honor,

Mr. White is seeking
$. million

In punitive compensation
From mr. Dubois,

Who has deprived
My client of his civil rights --

Specifically,
His right to work.

The man is an armed robber.

It's against the law
For him to work.

Your honor, I'd like to call
My first witness.

Good.
Let's move it along.

I call miss gretchen kraus
To the stand.

You're gonna testify
Against me?

Well, I have no choice,
Benson.

They gave me a subpeeny
In the hallway.

A subpeeny?

Yeah.

Call miss gretchen kraus
To the stand.

Yeah, yeah,
All right, all right. I'm going.

Raise your right hand --
Right.

Do you swear that everything you
Are about to say is the truth,

The whole truth,
And nothing but the truth?

I object, your honor.

That question calls
For a conclusion.

Miss kraus, the question calls
For an answer.

I always tell the truth.

Good. You're sworn.
Now, sit down, please.

Thank you.

Now, miss kraus,
You were an eyeball witness

To everything that happened,
Were you not?

Yeah.

And I'll bet those
Pretty blue eyes saw everything.

You bet your bobsled.

These peepers
Don't miss a trick, cowboy.

So you witnessed
The entire incident?

Absolutely.

Now, miss kraus,

You are
A very attractive woman -- mmm.

I object --
Misleading the witness.

Dubois.

Dubois! Shh!

[ clears throat ]
Where was I?

You were telling
About how attractive I am.

Yes, ma'am, so I was.

Now, tell me,
Are you sure that you weren't

Watching your reflection
In the store window?

Nobody could blame you,
You know?

No, no, no,
I saw everything.

As a matter of fact,
I told benson to watch out.

So you
Warned mr. Doo-boys?

Yeah.

Well, thank you very much,
Miss kraus.

You've been
A charming witness.

Oh,
There's one thing more.

You know the lieutenant governor
Pretty well, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Would you say
That he was a quick thinker?

The quickest.

So, in other words,
You warned mr. Doo-boys.

And thinking quickly,

He formulated a plan
To as*ault my client!

Wait a minute.
I didn't say that.

There you have it, your honor.
Premeditated as*ault.

This hulkin' bully
Planned an att*ck on my client

With his blunt scissors.

Hulking bully?

I can prove
Beyond a shadow of a doubt

That I'm
In terrible shape.

No further questions.

[ gavel bangs ]

Judge harper:
Order, please.

Your witness,
Mr. Doo-boys.

[ clears throat ]

Miss kraus?

Yeah?

I have no questions,
Your honor.

Benson, you can't
Let him get away with that.

He forced me
To tell the truth.

Yeah, but I have nothing
To ask you.

Benson,
You have to discredit me

Und make me look
Like a fool.

It's a tempting offer,
Kraus,

But this is no time
For us to be having fun.

Ms. Cassidy,
Can you tell me,

Have you ever seen
Mr. Doo-boys lose his temper?

Don't play hardball with me,
Pally.

I refuse to answer
On the grounds

That it might get benson
Into trouble.

Mrs. Cassidy, you cannot
Plead the fifth amendment

On behalf of someone else.

I can't?

No.

What was the question?

We were talking about
Mr. Doo-boys' violent temper.

I object.
Counsel is drawing a conclusion.

Sustained.
All right.

I withdraw the part
About the violent temper.

Have you ever
Seen the lieutenant governor

Do anything physical
When he was upset?

Well, once when our television
Didn't work right,

Benson got real mad
And kicked it.

I was trying to improve
The reception.

Were you trying to improve
"Skippy" lee's reception?!

Walker.
Was there anything else
You remember, ms. Cassidy?

Oh, yes, well, I remember once
He tried to b*at up his car.

I beg your pardon?

Well, he had a flat tire
On the turnpike.

And he hit it and kicked it.
[ laughs ]

He screamed at it
Something terrible.

Well, thank you, ms. Cassidy.
No further questions.

Your witness,
Mr. Doo-boys.

Mrs. Cassidy, isn't it true
That when I kicked the tv,

It had gone on the fritz
During the middle

Of the fourth quarter
Of the super bowl?

I believe that's right.

And when
I kicked the car,

Weren't we trying to get you to
The airport to catch a flight?

Yes, that's true.

So isn't it possible
That I have

Perfectly good reasons
For getting angry?

Sure. You always have a reason
For going on a rampage.

No further questions.

Like the time you threw that
Reporter in the reflecting pool.

No further questions.

[ laughs ] I'm surprised
That sucker didn't sue you, too.

No further questions!

Mrs. Cassidy,
You may step down.

Oh.

[ chuckles ]
Thank you, doll.

[ chuckles ]

Ooh.

We rest our case,
Your honor.

Mr. Dubois, would you like
To present your case?

Yes, your honor,
I would.

I'd like to call one witness --
Benson dubois.

Whoa, whoa,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm willing to give you a little
Latitude in this hearing.

But I'm warning you,
Don't turn it into a carnival.

Okay, ned.
Just keep your robe on.

I'm gonna tell my side
Of the story.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
The whole truth,

And nothing
But the truth?

Yes, I do.

You may proceed.

Thank you, your honor.

Now, mr. Dubois.

Did you mean
To hurt mr. "Skippy" lee white?

No, sir, I did not.

Stay where you are.

And no sideshows.

Okay.

Are you sorry that
Mr. "Skippy" lee white got hurt?

Any decent human being
Would be.

Just answer the question,
Mr. Dubois.

I'm beginning to hear
A calliope.

Okay, okay.
No further questions.

Not so fast,
Mr. Doo-boys.

Would you tell him
That my name is dubois?

Lieutenant governor,
You're acting like a man

Who was just standing
In the mall,

Minding his own business
On the day in question.

That's exactly
What I was doing.

If that's so,
Then why were you armed?

I wasn't armed.

Oh, then what do you
Call these?

Big scissors.
What do you call them?

Concealed w*apon!

A concealed w*apon?

Where did I hide them,
In my socks?

[ laughter ]

No further questions,
Your honor.

Dubois,
You may step down.

No, wait a minute,
Wait a minute.

I didn't get to
Tell the whole story.

Step down, dubois.
Those are the rules.

No, this is a travesty.

An armed robber
Hauls me into court

Because I caught him
Too hard.

This stinks.

Dubois.
This really stinks.

This is a court of law!

No, you had it right
The first time.

This is a carnival,
And you and I

Are right in the middle
Of the midway.

One more outburst like that,
And I'll hold you in contempt.

How do you think
It's going?

And I would like to conclude
By saying

That when mr. Doo-boys
Apprehended my client,

He was not
Obeying the law.

No, sir, he was taking it
Into his own hands!

Attitudes like that

And people like him
Encourage vigilantism.

There is no room
In this good old u.S. Of a.

For vigilantes.

No, sir.

I want to thank all you
Good people for listening.

Mr. Doo-boys.

Dubois,
Your final arguments?

Wish me luck.

Good luck.
Good luck. Good luck.

[ sighs ]

Your honor,
I don't know where to begin.

[ groans ]

Now,
I'm the first to admit

That I don't know much
About lawsuits.

But on the face of it, this one
Seems a little off the mark.

Now, I stop a man
During the commission

Of an armed robbery
In broad daylight.

I get all kinds
Of awards and medals.

People tell me what I did
Was a good thing.

And the next thing I know,
I'm being sued.

Why?
It's a mystery to me.

The only thing
I can think of is

That a case like this

Allows an attorney
Like mr. "Nevada" bob walker

To work his magic,
Cast his spell,

To use the law to further
His own interests.

I submit, your honor,
That "Nevada" bob walker

And his kind
Are holding a g*n

To the head
Of the american judicial system,

Using technicalities in the law
As b*ll*ts

To take potshots
At the constitution,

And they do it
Simply to line their pockets,

Puff up their egos,
And sell their books.

It's all perfectly legal,
Mr. Doo-boys.

It may be legal, mr. Walker,
But it ain't right.

No, sir.

[ cheers and applause ]

Is that it?
Are you all finished?

Yeah, I'm happy.

Hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen,

After listening to some
Very interesting witnesses,

You'll be happy to know
That I've reached a decision.

Mr. Dubois, you deserve
A tremendous amount of praise

As a hero.

Thank you, your honor.

But as an attorney, your skills
Leave a lot to be desired.

What do you mean?
Don't quit
Your day job.

And as for you,
Mr. Walker,

Your greatest skill
Seems to be

To whip the press
Into a frenzy.

Although that skill should not
Influence a court of law,

I realize that unfortunately
Sometimes it does -- sometimes.

But not today.
This case is dismissed.

[ cheers and applause ]

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Hold everything!

This trial is a travesty!
I demand a continuance!

Hey, clayton,
It's over!

I demand a retrial!

Clayton, we won!

You won?
You b*at "Nevada" bob...Bob.

Endicott?

Snarf. Snarf. Snarf. Snarf.

Snarf.