07x05 - We Spy

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

Oh, benson,
I'm glad I caught you.

Listen, just one more time,
I'd like to emphasize --

How important this trip
To germany is,

How much we need the lens
Factory in our state,

How everything rests
In my capable hands.

That's it, benson.
You have got it.

Because
It is very important.

Don't keep saying that.
I know that.

Benson, a small piece
Of advice for you --

Don't take that uptight attitude
When you're over there.

It won't get you anywhere.

The germans
Are a fun-loving people.

Achtung, benson.
The car is waiting!

Oh, yeah.
They're loose as a goose.

I'm so excited, governor.

I'm going to show benson
Some of the hot spots

I used to visit
When I was a young girl.

Ah, was this
Before they had the wall?

This was
Before they had dirt.

Uh, miss kraus,

Here's the projector and slides
For benson's presentation.

Wait a minute.
That's my new slide projector.

I just bought it.

I'm aware of that, sir,

But I was certain you wouldn't
Mind lending it to them.

Well, you were wrong.

You don't just lend
Somebody's personal projector

Without asking.

Don't worry, governor.
I'll be very careful.

What is this hysteria?

We are talking
About a projector.

Clayton,
If you have something to say,

Why don't you
Just say it out loud?

All right, sir,
I have two problems here.

Number one,

I don't know why she's going
To germany instead of me.

She speaks german.

And, number two,
I cannot comprehend why a man

Of your presumed stature

Is making such a fuss
Over a rinky-dink projector.

Presumed?
Rinky-dink?

Clayton,
Go to your office.

Very good, sir.

And later on,
When you least expect it,

I'll be in
To chew you out.

Fine, fine.
I'll be looking forward to it.

I'll clear my calendar.
Whoo-hoo!

Did you see
That attitude?

Mm-hmm.

I know what.
I'll b*at him to his office.

That'll shake him up.

Oh, oh, benson.
Oh, I forgot.

Listen, would you get me
Some of those leather shorts

With the suspenders?

Lederhosen.

Sure. What size?
.

Oh, but they're on
The metric system, aren't they?

Oh, well, now, let me see.
That would be --

I'll get kraus to try them on.
Y'all are the same size.

That's not
A very nice thing to say.

Oh, I'm sorry, governor.

Bye-bye.

Benson,
Will you hold it there?

Benson, the presentation
Went brilliantly.

You were wonderful.
They were very impressed.

I think we are going
To get that lens factory.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Let me ask you
Something, kraus.

Why didn't you translate
What I said exactly?

I did exactly.

Well, pretty exactly.

Yeah, but when you converted
Dollars into marks,

Didn't you pump it up
A bit?

Well, a measly million marks.

I thought
It made it sound more exciting.

Well, that may be, but we can't
Deceive the germans.

Oh, I don't know.

We bought d-day
Lock, stock, und barrel.

Well, don't blame yourself
For that.

After all, it's easy
To miss , warships

Sneaking across
The channel.

[ elevator bell dings,
Polka music playing ]

Wie geht's, tom?

I hope this restaurant
Isn't far.

I'm starving.

Well, it didn't use to be.

Of course, that was
Before they had the wall.

Wall?
What wall?

The wall?

I'm not going to...

Has he shown up yet?

If he has,
He has not approached me.

How will I recognize
The chameleon?

You can't.

He's a master of disguise.

That's why they call him
The chameleon.

How will he contact me?

He will ask you
If you went to school together.

You reply,
"Only in the gymnasium."

He says,
"It was always cold."

And you say,
"Only in the winter."

And he says...

"You always had
A good time."

As soon as he arrives,

I will get the m*ssile
Alignment device

And bring it
To headquarters.

Wolfgang: that could be
The chameleon.

Which one?

Who knows?

Well, benson,
This is it.

Don't you love it?

Yeah, well, maybe it will look
A little better

After we've had
A couple of beers.

I have such happy memories
Of this place,

Singing und dancing.

All the men used
To make passes at me.

Really?
[ chuckles ]

Ah, it was
A romantic little place.

Hmm, must have been
A dark little place.

May I help you?

Yes, uh,
We'd like to order dinner.

Dinner!

Oh, yeah.

Dinner.

Uh, does wilhelm
Still work here?

No, he d*ed suddenly.

Menu.

Oh, no.

Wilhelm was
A friend of mine.

We went to school together.

But only in the gymnasium?

I think I'll have
The wiener schnitzel.

Uh, yeah, I should look
At the menu, too, here.

Do you remember anything else
About the gymnasium?

What?
Oh, well, yeah, sure.

It was always --

Ja, ja, ja?

Uh, smelly.

Smelly?

Our gymnasium
Was always cold.

Ha ha ha!

But only in the winter.

Did I miss something?

Make that two orders
Of wiener schnitzel

Und two beers, waiter.

I'll have the same.

Phew.

Benson, what do you think?

Don't you love the way
They decorated this place?

I don't know
What it looked like before,

But it looks like
A dead zoo now.

Why didn't you leave
This thing at home?

This is
The governor's projector.

I'm not going
To have it stolen.

Wherever I go,
This little baby goes, too.

[ whistle blows ]

Frieren sie,
Schmutz ball!

What did he say?

"Freeze, dirtball."

What is this all about?

Max heimlich,
Secret police.

Secret police?

Well, we haven't done
Anything wrong.

Yeah, we just wanted
To get something to eat.

You people are so strict.

You expect me to believe
You didn't know

This is the secret headquarters
Of the secret police?

Well, no, no.

I guess the, uh,
Café curtains in the window

Must have fooled us.

It's our mistake.
Let's go, kraus.

[ g*ns cock ]

Sit!

I'll handle this.

Everybody wait
In the situation room.

Hans, fritz,
Prepare the t*rture devices.

Look, I got to tell you,

This is no way to encourage
Tourism in your country.

You can't treat us
Like this.

We are american citizens.

We are
Government employees.

Aha!

[ groans ]

So, you are with
The central intelligence agency,

And you are trying
To infiltrate our spy ring?

Uh, look, max,
Use your head.

Does she look
Like she's got anything

To do with intelligence?

So, what are you doing with
This m*ssile alignment device?

m*ssile alignment device?

That's a projector
From radioshack.

I'm confiscating
This device.

Nein!
That's okay with me.
Give it to him.

Nein! I'm not letting him get
His grubby, communist hands

On this projector.

I gave my word
To a higher authority.

Give me the device!

Nein!

Excuse me a minute.
Excuse me a minute.

Kraus,
This guy is crazy.

Give him the device,

Or you may be visiting
A higher authority.

Either you give me the device
Or I take it by force.

Make my day.

Very well. I did not want
To have to do this, but --

I wish you hadn't done that,
Big bird.

Let's get out of here.

Boy, that felt good.

Come on.

Whoo-hoo!

Come on, go.

Which way?
West.

Good thinking.

What? What?

[ siren wails ]

Which way?

Over.
Huh?

Think...Again.

It is
The last room we have.

We'll take it.

Where's the bathroom?

That way.

Down the hall?

Down the street.

You have to share.

Do we at least have the room
To ourselves?

Oh, ja.

You have the room
To yourself.

Gute nacht.

Well, kraus,

I want to thank you for
A perfectly wonderful evening.

Don't be a wisenheimer.

No, no, no.
I'm serious.

No, it was a fun
Three and a half hours

Crawling through pipes,
Climbing over things,

Climbing under things,
Being chased by dogs.

Have I missed
Any of the high points?

Wading through
The scummy river.

Oh, yes,
The scummy river.

How could I miss that?

The scummy river.

And after all that,
Where in the hell are we?

We are in a filthy hotel room
Somewhere in east berlin

With the secret police
After us.

But there is
A bright side.
What?

We didn't lose
The governor's projector.

Kraus, you don't seem
To understand one thing.

We are in serious
International trouble here.

Oh, shut up, benson.
I'm pooped.

Come on,
Let's get some sleep.

Yeah, fine.
We'll figure out a plan.

We'll argue about it
In the morning.

Yes, good idea.

There's only one bed.

Well, at least
It's in the room.

You can have the bed.

Well, I hope you don't walk
In your sleep.

I don't want to wake up
In the middle of the night

With a man in my bed.

You lie, kraus.

Oh, kraus, kraus, come.

What is it?

Shh. The guy from
The secret police down there.

Oh, what are
We going to do?

I have an idea.
Go get the concierge fast.

Wow, that's really fast.

Come here.
I want you to do me a favor.

See that guy down there?

Oh, ja.

Shut up!

Go down there and strike up
A conversation with him.

If he asks about us,

You tell him
We went out the back door.

We would appreciate it
So much.

How much?

What's your price?

One fancy wristwatch.

Forget it.

Hallo!

Here.

Now, you don't worry.
I'll handle him.

So, is he still down there?

He's still
Down there.

Well, what is he doing?

Oh, nothing much.
Sort of getting impatient.

Wait a minute.
Ja? Ja?

I think he's leaving.
Yeah, he's leaving!

Oh, wunderbar.

Oh, no.

Now what?

Uh-oh.

The concierge
Just stopped him.

It doesn't look good.

What are they doing?

Well, he's --
Uh-oh, uh-oh.

He just gave her
His watch,

And she pointed
To our room!

Oh, nuts!

She sold us down the rhine.

Go block the door.
Go block the door.

Go block it.

With the furniture.

[ knock on door ]

Max: open up!
I know you're in there!

No, we are not!

That fooled him.

[ knocks ]

You will never escape.

You will never
Take us alive.

The thoughts expressed here

Are not necessarily those
Of everyone in the room.

I have an idea.

Let's take off our clothes.

Freeze, dirtball.

Don't you get it?

No, and I don't want
To see it, either.

No, no.
See, we will exchange clothes.

The secret police are looking
For a white woman

Und a black man, not
A white man und a black woman.

Did you forget
To pay your brain bill?

Have you got a better idea?

Yes. We tie these sheets
Together, we climb down,

We steal a car,
We rush through the city,

Find checkpoint charlie,
And we escape to freedom.

That's a good plan.
You think it'll work?

No, no.

But it's better
Than being sh*t down

And dragged somewhere
In the middle of east hell.

Come on.
You ready?

Ja, ja. I'm just going to get
The governor's projector.

Forget the projector, kraus.
Come on!

Come on.

Aaah!

We meet again.

Uh, max, max, max.

Now, look, look.

No v*olence, please.
We can just talk this out.

Where is
The m*ssile alignment device?

It's not
A m*ssile alignment device!

It's a slide projector
From radioshack!

Stand over there.

You're both in big
International trouble here.

That's what I tried
To tell her.

Aah!

I was just polishing
The doorknob.

You were listening
To secret police business.

You're under arrest.

[ laughs ]
You don't scare me.

You have no jurisdiction
In west berlin.

West berlin? West berlin?

Ja.

West berlin!
We made it, benson.

We are free.

Yeah, except
For being held at gunpoint.

That's right.

West berlin, east berlin,
It doesn't matter.

You're still my prisoner.

If I screw this up,

I'll be back walking a b*at
In that scummy river.

Oh, they'd do that
To you?

Would they do that to me?

As a punishment, I once spent
Two and a half years

In the canine corps.

You ever sleep
With a doberman?

Not me.
Kraus?

We lead a terrible life

On the other side
Of the wall.

There's no privacy.

Everybody tattles.

Everybody watches you.

Yeah, I understand.

Uh, listen, max,

Why don't you
Just calm down, huh?

Calm down.
Take off that jacket.

You're just getting
All hot and bothered.

You're lathering yourself
All up.

Relax.
That's it.

But you don't
Understand!

No, no, I understand.

I had no family.

I had to turn them in
When I was .

We used to be
A fun-loving people.

Yes, yes.

I understand, max.
I understand.

You're frustrated.

You know,
You don't know where to turn.

You got no friends.

[ mumbling ] get the g*n.

[ normal voice ]
Right? Right?

Let me show you something
With the slide projector.

[ mumbling ] get the g*n.

[ normal voice ]
See here, I want to show you

Something with these here.

Yes, see.

Now, sit down.

[ mumbling ] get the g*n.

[ normal voice ]
Uh-huh. See that? See?

Oh, it's beautiful.

What is it?

It's a shopping mall
In the states.

It's so serene.

Yes, yes.

These are all stores?

Yes.
Would you believe it?

Get out!

[ mumbling ]
Get the g*n.

Where are
All the soldiers?

How do you keep the people
Away from the stores?

[ normal voice ]
That's just it. We don't.

America's a land
Of opportunity.

Anyone can go shopping.

Anybody can go
To the stores?

Yes, yes.
Kraus, kraus.

[ mumbles indistinctly ]

Talk to max.

Oh, max, you know,

I was
Once just like you.

You were a common thug?

I was a girl in bavaria.

She's calling me
A sissy!

No, no, no.

She's just trying
To point out

That, uh, you can,
Uh, be a foreigner

And come to america
And do very well.

Ja, ja.
Look at me.

But don't let that influence
Your decision.

America is a great country.

Yes. It's a land
Of opportunity, you know?

It's a place where you can
Fulfill your dreams, you know?

You can have
A vegetable stand in watts.

You have dreams,
Don't you, max?

I have always wanted
To be a circus clown.

Listen to that,
Will you?

Make the kiddies laugh.

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Well, that's wonderful.
That's wonderful.

Well, max, I'm sure
That somewhere in america,

There's a town that could use
A clown like you...

...But, max, we don't need
Another clown with a g*n.

You realize
You are asking me to defect?

No, no, no.

I'm just suggesting
That maybe we could go down

To the hofbraeu
And get some schnapps

And, uh, you know,
Discuss the possibility.

Ja. I'll tell you
My success story.

If I decide to defect,
Could we be friends?

Well, of course,
Of course.

Not you!
The sexpot.

Max, I hate
To tell you this,

But I think you've been on the
Other side of the wall too long.

Hey, maxie,
Sure, we could be friends.

See?
That's it.

We're all just
One big, happy family.

Friends, eh?
Now give me the g*n.

[ sighs ]

Before we go to america,

Can I go back and get
My big, floppy clown shoes?

Well, you don't have
To do that.

You can wear kraus' shoes.
You're about the same size.