07x09 - Two Boys and Their Dog

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

There you are, benson --

A souvenir pen
From the signing.

Thank you and...

Todson's funeral home.

"Dial g-o-n-e."

Oh, that reminds me.

Of whom?

I got that phone number
You wanted.

Oh, from
The investment counselor?

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, darn.

Well, I guess
I forgot that pen.

That's okay.

You can
Give it to me later.

Yeah.
Listen, I was thinking.

If you have money
To invest,

You should go to someone
With intelligence and integrity,

Someone that you know
And can trust.

Governor. Benson.

Are you serious?

What?

You know
He's one of the best.

Are you talking about me?

Yeah, but you know
I can't stand him.

You are
Talking about me.

Clayton, benson
Has some money --
Shh!

To invest.

Uh-huh.

And I think
He should talk to you.

Aha.

[ chuckles politely ]

Well, I realize, clayton,

That you're very good
With money,

But it's just that I'm
Not quite ready

At this point in time
To invest.

That's fine with me.

Actually,
I have a personal rule.

I never mix business
With friendship.

Well, that rule
Wouldn't really apply here.

Benson, do you need
Investment advice or not?

Well, sure.

Clayton, do you have

One of the best financial minds
In the city or not?

The best.

Fine. So, talk.
I'll be in my office.

All right, benson.

If I'm going to help you,

I'm going to need
Some information.

How much money
Have you got?

I'm...Comfortable.

[ scoffs ]

No, no, no.

I mean, how much money
Have you got to invest?

Well, for argument's sake,

Let's say around $,.

Pbht!

$,?

Benson, I got to be
Honest with you.

The only way to make any money
On a piddling $,

Is to get into
A risk venture.

You've got to be willing
To lose the entire investment.

The whole $,?

Forget it, benson.

You haven't got the temperament
To be a highflier.

Yes, I do.
No, no, no.
You're too cautious.

No, I'm not.

All right.
Write me a check for $,.

I'll get you
Into something.

Into what?

[ high-pitched voice ]
I don't know.

[ normal voice ]
Look, you came to me.

I didn't come to you.

Okay, okay.

How about $?

[ snorts ]

Benson,
You are wasting my time.

Attaboy.
There you go.

That's right.
Put the date.

"Clayton endicott."

Buh, buh, buh.

"The third."

There we go.

"One...Thousand...
Dollars."

And no sense.
[cents]

D-u-b-o-I...

I know how to spell my name,
Clayton!

Good.

"Dial g-o-n-e."

All right, I'll put
This money to work today.

Who knows?
It could be gold.

It could be oil.
It could be real estate.

Let's just hope
It's profitable.

The word
Around the mansion

Is you gave that clown
$,.

I didn't give him $,.
It's $,.

I didn't give it to him.
He's investing it.

But you always say
Clayton is an idiot.

He is...
Except when it comes to money.

It was only $,.

If you want my opinion,

You can kiss
That grover cleveland goodbye.

How do you know whose picture
Is on the $, bill?

It was on
My immigration test.

Boy, they really tried
To keep you out, didn't they?

Oh, hi, chief.

Hi, mrs. Cassidy.

I hear you gave $,
To balloon brain.

[ laughs ]

I can only hope
That my investment increases

As rapidly as this rumor.

It was
A piddling $,.

The late mr. Cassidy
Always said,

"A fool and his money
Are soon parted."

Then he d*ed,
And I got all his money.

Oh, that man
Was a financial genius.

[ laughs ]

All right.
That's all right.

Go ahead and laugh.
Go ahead and laugh.

But when the profits
Start rolling in,

It'll be a different story.

So, what did you invest in?

I don't know.

You don't know?
You don't know?

No, I don't know
What he invested in.

But you can bet one thing.
It's gonna be sophisticated.

Hello, everyone.
Look what I've got.

Oh, look!

Hey, clayton,
That's a beautiful dog.

Benson, meet champion
Alfred's premier mcguffin.

Hey, champ.
[ baby-talking ]

I didn't know
You liked dogs, clayton.

Well, actually,
I prefer cats,

But alfred is
A very good investment.

Oh, he is so --
Investment?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

I said no.

Uh, I got to run.
A dog! It's a dog!

Balloon brain
Bought himself a dog.

Are you trying to tell me
That I own a $, dog?

No.

You are the half owner
Of a $, dog, partner.

Partner?

You said, "Gold,
Real estate, oil."

You never said one damn word
About dog.

Benson, this is a purebred
Basset -- a champion.

From expensive dogs
Come expensive puppies.

Puppies?
Did you look under this dog?

Male dogs
Don't have puppies.

I am aware of that.

Our income
Will be derived from fees

Charged to people
Who own female dogs.

You mean champ is gonna get paid
To date other dogs?

That's right.

And we get the money?

Mm-hmm.

You know
What that makes us, partner?

Benson, rest assured, this is
An excellent investment.

Alfred earns
$ per...Date.

Yeah?

We're in
The wrong business.

Nine dates,
And we're in the black.

But how are you
Gonna get him dates?

Stand on the corner

And ask other passing dogs
If they want to party?

No, I plan to place ads
In several breeding journals.

They got a magazine
For single dogs?

Yeah, well, I must admit

I've always been fond
Of basset hounds.

We're going to make big bucks
With this animal.

He's young.
He's healthy.

That means
Long-term profitability.

He looks kind of scrawny
To me.

You can feed him
When you get him home.

What do you mean
When I get him home?

Well, I'd take him,

But my apartment building
Doesn't allow pets.

So? You own
Your apartment building.

Rules are rules.

Okay, champ, we'll stop
And get something to eat.

We'll stop by a tree
So you can freshen up.

All right, champ,
This is a big test.

Sit!

All right.

[ baby-talking ]

Oh, hey, governor,
Come in here a second.

Still
Teaching champ tricks?

Yep, right, right.
This is the big one.

Watch him, watch him.
Watch him do this.

Up, boy!

Ha ha ha ha!

Taught him to jump up
On the furniture, have you?

Hello, governor.
Good news, benson.

Long lunch, clayton.

I just got back
From breeding monthly.

It's a magazine.

He just placed an ad
For champ's...Services.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

At any rate, while I was there
Placing an ad,

I met a woman with
A gorgeous pair of bassets.

They're female, and she
And I have already arranged

A, uh, rendezvous
With alfred.

Wait a minute, now,
Clayton.

What kind of dogs are these?
Are these nice dogs?

Who cares?
They have money.

Money? Is that
All you care about?

You know
What your problem is?

You and alfred have been
Living together for one week.

And in that short time, you've
Grown emotionally attached.

You know, I had an aunt

Who grew emotionally attached
To a pig.

[ laughs ]

Not now, governor.

Oh, no, this is
A wonderful story.

She dressed him up
In a little suit and tie.

Governor, please?

Oh, okay, clayton.
Your loss.

[ laughing ]

All right, now,
This is the address.

Now, you and alfred
Meet me there promptly at :.

Be sure he's well-groomed
And ready for romance.

All right, okay, okay.

I'll spray him
With some aqua velva

And bring
My johnny mathis tape.

Good.

Huh?
How about this, big boy?

First date out, huh?
Fifi and belinda.

They're twins, huh?

How lucky can you get,
Big guy?

[ laughs ]

Clayton: benson?
Leave us alone, clayton.

Get away from us.

No, no, no.
I want to work this out.

How did the date go?

Will somebody tell me
What happened?

I don't want
To talk about it.

Well, I'll tell you
What happened.

Nothing happened.

Nada, zippo, zilch.

He wasn't
Even interested.

Well, maybe
He had a headache.

Headache?

I'll tell you what's wrong
With the dog.

He's a wimp.

Hey, hey, hey!

Don't talk about my dog
That way.

Your dog?

This is not your dog.
This is our investment.

Fellas, you shouldn't fight
In front of the d-o-g.

All right.
We'll talk about this later.

There's nothing
To talk about later.

Oh, yes, there is.

Either you-know-who
Does you-know-what

Or he goes
You-know-where.

att*ck!

He's thinking about it.

Hi, benson.

So, how was your walk?

Oh, great.
Champ really loves the outdoors.

Yeah, well,
That's not surprising.

Basset hounds
Are hunting dogs.

Yeah, I saw that
This afternoon.

A squirrel jumped
Out of a tree,

And champ started hunting
For a place to hide.

[ laughs ]

Ah, maybe he was just
Teasing the squirrel.
Sure.

No, really. He has
A terrific sense of humor.

Oh, sure.

I still think
You're cute, champ.

Ah, good.
Benson, you're here.

Oh, katie,
Would you run along?

Benson and I have
Some adult things to discuss.

Sure. No problem.
See you later, cutie.

Okay.

The dog, clayton.
I was talking to the dog.

So, what do you want,
Clayton?

Benson, I have some
Very disturbing figures here.

State revenue
Projections?

No, no,
This is about alfred.

I don't want
To talk about it.

Benson, we have had
Six appointments

And six disappointments.

I don't want
To hear this, clayton.

No, no, no, no. This is purely
A business decision.

We bought a piece of equipment.
The equipment doesn't work.

We sell the equipment
And take our loss.

This is not
A drill press.

This is a living,
Breathing, human dog.

Benson, this is
A bad investment.

[ growls ]

Good dog.
Bad investment.

Hello.

How is the doggy
Dating game going?

Bachelor number one wants
To sell bachelor number two.

Oh, no!
Why would you want to sell him?

Well, because he isn't living up
To clayton's expectations.

The dog is for .

Shh!

Did it ever occur
To you

That the dog might need
Medical attention?

Kraus could be right.

Who said that?

Well, I will admit that
That is a possibility.

But if a visit to the vet
Proves there's nothing wrong,

We sell the dog,
Agreed?

Well, let's take this
One step at a time.

Fine.
I'll take the first step.

I'll take him to the vet.
I want this settled today.

Come on, alfred.

Come on, boy.

Heel!

It's all right, champ.
Go with the heel.

You two think
You're so funny.

Benson, it was apparent to me
From the start

That getting involved in
A business deal with clayton

Would lead to nothing

But heartache
Und recriminations.

Kraus, wouldn't it
Have been easier to just say,

"I told you so"?

I told you so.

Boy, that really makes
You boil, doesn't it?

Fetch!

Hey, you walked
Right by it!

I got here as fast
As I could, clayton.

Kraus says there's
Something wrong with champ.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Let's talk over here.

[ clears throat ]

All right.
Dr. Bonner has examined him.

He's fine physically, but he did
Note some signs of stress,

And he suggested that we see
Dr. Lambert.

Why do we have to see
Another doctor?

I said there was nothing
Physically wrong.

Oh.

So, what is this guy --

[ chuckling ]
A doggy psychiatrist?

Yes.

Well,
Let me rephrase that.

[ sternly ] what is this guy --
A doggy psychiatrist?

Alfred's premier mcguffin?

And the family?

That's us.

How do I get myself mixed up
In these things?

Come on, benson.

[ snaps fingers ]
Come on, come on.

Now, as I told mr. Endicott
On the phone,

The best way for me
To determine alfred's problem

Is by talking to the people
He spends time with.

I understand alfred
Lives with you?

Yeah.

That's right.

Any unusual behavior?

You mean like barking
To himself?

I was thinking
More along the lines

Of changes
In his daily habits.

No, no, no.
Perfectly normal.

[ scoffs ]

If he were a monk,
He'd be perfectly normal.

Unfortunately
The dog was purchased

Specifically
For the purposes of breeding.

How have you been
Treating alfred?

Fine. Like a dog.

Mr. Dubois, is there something
You're feeling right now

That you would like
To share with us?

Yeah, I feel kind of stupid
Being in here

With the dog lying
On the couch like that.

I'm beginning to pick up
A little something here.

Uh, may I say something?

Please. Go ahead.
That's what we're here for.

I think
You should realize

That this man will never
Give you a straight answer

Because this man never gives
Anyone a straight answer.

And how do you
Feel about that?

His wisecracks make me
Feel...Insignificant.

Is that true,
Mr. Dubois?

Stupid!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were finished.

Like a nothing.

Now he's finished.

Gentlemen,
Let's change tack.

For a moment, let's put
Ourselves in the dog's shoes.

Mr. Dubois,
Why don't you start first?

Why don't you
Try to verbalize

What you think
The dog is feeling?

This is a complete
Waste of time and money.

Was that the dog?

That was me.

The dog is probably thinking
"Humans are stupid."

No, the dog is thinking
"Clayton is stupid"

Because that's
What you taught him.

Clayton, I don't
Have to teach him that.

This is a hunting dog.

He can sniff out a birdbrain
A mile away.

You know
What the problem is?

When alfred is with you,
You're a disneyland dad.

What does that mean?
You spoil him rotten.

I give him affection.

You give him
Anything he wants.

I'm beginning
To see something here.

Maybe the conflict between
You two is stressing the dog.

Very often, an animal
Reacts to pressure and,

In certain intimate situations,
Becomes unable to perform.

We pay you
For this information?

You know
What the real problem is?

Alfred hates me.

I picked him out,
I bought him,

And he goes
Right to benson.

Is that true, mr. Dubois?
Does the dog prefer you?

I'm nice to the dog.

When clayton sees the dog,

All he thinks of
Is a -legged cash register.

That may have been true
In the beginning,

But he won me over.

And now...
He's breaking my heart.

Oh, come on, clayton.

You can't pine away
For a dog.

You want the dog
To pay you any attention?

You got to be nice to him.
Show him some affection.

I don't know how.

Maybe I can help.

Oh, brother.

Mr. Dubois,
Demonstrate for mr. Endicott

How you show affection
For alfred.

I don't want to.

Remember, mr. Dubois,
This is for alfred.

Okay, for alfred.

[ baby-talking ]

See?
There's nothing to it.

Fine.
Now mr. Endicott.

I ain't
Touching mr. Endicott.

Mr. Dubois.

Go ahead, mr. Endicott.

Come on, clayton.

Let's get this over with
And get out of here.

Don't be afraid,
Mr. Endicott.

[ clears throat ]

[ inhales, exhales deeply ]

Hello, alfred.

Champ.

Uh...

Come on, clayton,
Loosen up.

What are you
Saving it for?

Touch the dog.

[ baby-talking ]

This should be
A very private moment.

[ baby-talking ]

He likes me.

No, no!

Champ, champ, champ!
Come back, champ!

You did a good job, doc.

It wasn't very difficult.

After all,
Dog is man's best friend.

In clayton's case,
His only friend.