07x10 - Last Man on Earth

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

Isn't it great?

We'll be able to see
Halley's comet tonight.

Oh, it sure is.

My bowling team
Is having an outdoor party.
Ah.

I've concocted a new drink --
The cassidy comet.

[ both laugh ]

Two sips and you orbit
The solar system for years.

Oh, benson,
I'm glad you're here.

I wanted to remind you
About that dinner we have

At the planetarium.

Then we have that
Press conference

To give our views
On halley's comet.

Oh, really?

Well...

I think I'll just, uh,
Pass on that.

If anybody asks,

Tell them I've seen the comet,
And I give it a .

How can you be
So cavalier?

This comet's a freak of nature.
It's a phenomenon.

Well, compared to kraus,
It's a day at the beach.

Hey.
Good morning, all.

Now, listen up, everyone.

I am hosting
A halley's comet party

At my humble abode tonight,

And all of you fortunate people
Are invited.

[ chuckles ]

So, who's gonna be there?

Well, that's fine.
I have other friends.

The irrigation proposal
Is finished,

Und I got it in the mail
To the feds.

Oh, boy, I'm exhausted.

Hey, miss kraus,
How would you like to come

To my halley's comet party
Tonight?

Oh.

No chance, lance.

I worked all night long.

I just want to go home
To my bed to sleep.

Bed, eh? [ chuckles ]

I thought you hung
Upside down in a closet.

Oh, listen to this.

Did anybody know that,
In roman times,

If you lost a battle,

They blamed it
On halley's comet?

How about that, huh?

I don't believe in
Superstitions.

It's bad luck.

I saw a movie on tv --
"When comets collide."

See, this one comet
Struck the earth

And knocked it
Off its axis.

Oh, there was wind
And floods and fires.

That movie
Had everything...

Including bad love scenes
And buster crabbe.

Well, I saw this movie once
Where all the people

Were forced to
Live underground in caves

Because the van allen belt
Had been set on fire

By this huge, burning comet,
Und all the dinosaurs d*ed.

Oh...Please.

Buster crabbe,
Dead dinosaurs --

This is all sophomoric
Hollywood theatrics.

Comets don't burn.

A noted astronomer
Has stated unequivocally

That comets are nothing more

Than an enormous snowball
Of gases.

Oh.

So according to
This noted astronomer,

The world won't end with a bang
Or a whimper.

It will end
With a belch.

Good morning, everybody.

Hey, katie.
Hi.

Dad, have you seen
The telescope?

I need it for school.
Oh, gee, no,
I haven't, katie.

Can I fix you some breakfast,
Honey?

Oh, no, I'm late already.

I'll just have a glass of milk
And a piece of toast.

Oh, I'm sorry.
The toaster's broken.

It won't pop up.

I think the popper
Is pooped.

Are you sure you don't know
Where the telescope is?

I need it for the halley's comet
Party tonight at school.

Oh, you know, katie,
I saw that telescope.

It's downstairs in the basement.
I'll go get it for you.

[ yawns ]

I can't wait to see
Halley's comet.

Isn't that exciting?

There it goes now!

[ yawns ]

[ murmuring ]

[ sighs ]

Benson: kraus,
What are you doing?

What is taking you
So long, woman?

Well, I have looked high und
Low for that stupid telescope.

I can't find it anywhere.

Well, here it is over here,
Goodness' sakes.

Oh.
[ rumbling ]

What was that?

Don't ask me.

It's your dream.

Oh, no.

[ gasps ]

Oh!

Mrs. Cassidy
Has been sacked!

Is that what that is?

I must admit,
I've seen her looking better.

I knew it.
I knew this would happen!

That halley's comet has come
Too close to the earth,

Und everyone has been b*rned
To a cinder block.

Oh, nonsense, kraus.

Mrs. Cassidy probably
Just had to...Leave.

In a hurry.

Oh, no,
That's mrs. Cassidy, all right,

[ crunch ]
Und you are
Standing in her.

Oops! Uh, sorry.

Oh.

This is awful.

I'm tracking her
All over the place.

She'd hate that.

Benson,
What are we going to do?

Well, let's go see
The governor and clayton.

Maybe they know something.
Wait, wait!

Benson, what are we going to do
About mrs. Cassidy?

Are we going to just...
Leave her there?

Oh, well, of course not.

We'll come back later...

And vacuum her up.

Aah!
Oh, oh, no.

[ gasps ]

Benson,
The governor und clayton

Have been turned to ashes,
Too.

Would you look at that?

I told this man
He'd better slow down.

I told him. I said, "One day,
You're gonna burn out."

They are gone.

Everyone I loved is gone.

Now, hold it,
Hold it, hold it.

Now, we've got a long way
To go here.

I want you to relax, and let's
Just discuss this logically.

Ja, ja.

You are right.

Relax. Stay calm.

Be logical.

Okay,
Here are the facts.

Fact number one...

Everyone we knew
Is now dust.

Ja.

Fact number two...

It's obvious that
A bright green light

Had something
To do with it.
Ja.

Fact number three...

The sky outside,
For the first time in my life,

Is glowing red.

Ja.

Now,
These three facts add up

To one
Inescapable conclusion.

Ja, ja?

We are in deep cosmic trouble
Here.

There's only one thing
Left to do.

We get all the food

Und barricade ourselves
In the basement

For the rest
Of our lives.

Or we could check and see
How widespread your dream is.

That's a good idea,
Too.

You go outside and check
For any form of life.

You mean creatures
From other planets?

No -- men, women, dogs,
Termites.

I get the idea.
I will do it right away.

Dead.

Oh, sorry, governor.

Ah.

[ switch clicks ]

Man: please stand by
For emergency --

Please stand by
For emergency --

Please --
[ switch clicks ]

Benson! Benson!

You will never believe
What I saw out there.

Well, what did you see?

There are cars
Everywhere,

Stopped in the middle
Of the road.

No people --

Just their clothes
Tumbling all over the place,

Und ashes --
Big piles of ashes.

We are all alone.

We are dark red, benson,
Dark red.

Dark red?

Ja, all alone.

Dark red and all alone.

Are you trying to say
We're marooned, kraus?

Ja, ja, marooned.
That's it.

As far as I can see,

You und I are
The last two people alive.

Yeah, well,
All the phones are dead.

Wait a minute.

If there's one phone
That's still working,

It's in
The governor's desk.

It's a hot line.

Oh, that's a great idea!
Boy, you are so smart.

Woman:
This is red line check.

There are no survivors
To answer your call.

There are no --

You were right.

We are all alone.
We're the last people on earth.

I always knew...

I was destined to be
Someone special.

I am to be mother earth.

And who is to be
Father earth?

You and I are
The new adam und eve.

Together,
We will repopulate the earth.

That is the most disgusting
Thing I've ever heard.

Oh, it is inevitable,
Benson.

Well, that's it.
I'm out of here.

Where are you going?
To find somebody.

Who?
Anybody.

Benson:

Hello, hello, hello?

Please answer
If you're out there.

Please come in.
Please, please.

This dream has gone too far.

I've been alone with kraus here
For seven years now,

And for those of you
Who remember kraus,

You know that
That's far too long.

Please,
I can't take it anymore.

Hello, hello, hello?

Hello?
Hello, liebling.

Would you stop
Calling me that?

Where have you been?

Well...

First,
I went to the bank.

Kraus, we don't need
Any more money.

We're billionaires already.
Look at this!

Und then I found
A new jewelry store.

Ohh!

Und this is my new coat.
Don't you love it?

As a matter of fact,
I hate it.

Well, I like to wear
Nice things.

Don't you care about
The way I look?

I've never cared about
The way you look.

Why do you say
Such mean things to me?

Well, if you'd just wake up,
Everything would be all right.

I know, benson.
You're doing the best you can.

Und to cheer you up,

I'm going to give you
A surprise birthday present.

Why?
My birthday is two months away.

I told you --

It's a surprise!

Da-da!

The "Mona lisa."

Is that the original?

Would I give my husband
A fake?

I don't want her
In here.
Why?

Well, she looks like she knows
Something we don't know.

I like her in here.

She stays.

Well, I'm the governor,
And I say she goes.

Und who elected you
Governor?

[ german accent ]
The people.

Und who are the people?

[ normal voice ] you.

That's right.

Und I can boot you
Out of office

Just as fast
As I put you in.

Oh, yeah? Well, since I'm
The last man on earth,

I'll have myself
Declared emperor

And have you beheaded.

That is a terrible thing
To say

To the mother
Of your children.

Mother? Children?
We have children?

What kind of sick dream
Is this?

Come in, children.

Come give daddy
A big kiss.

Both:

♪ tra la-la la-la-la ♪

Hi, daddy!
Oh, hi.

Und now mama has
A big surprise for you.

Both: oh, boy!
What is it, mama?!

There you are, mary.

How do you
Like it?

It's wunderbar, mama.

Und beth.

Do you like
Your new coat?

Sure, if you like walking around
In dead animal skins.

[ laughs ]

Don't be so sarcastic,
Beth.

I don't know where
She gets that from.

Und now,
Kinder, come with mama.

We have a nice big bowl
Of ice cream.

No, no, no, no, no!

These kids
Cannot have ice cream

Until they've studied
Food-gathering, fishing,

And first aid.

Oh, I think you are being
Too rough on them.

Little girls need to play.

No, no, no.

These girls need to learn
How to survive.

They can take care
Of themselves.

Und now, mama's precious
Angel baby girls,

You go have your ice cream,

Und tell your brothers
To come in.

Okay! Bye! Okay! Bye!

Brothers?
We have boys?

Naturally.

Two -- don und phil.

[ boys laughing ]

Hi, mommy! Hi, mommy!
Hi, daddy! Hi, daddy!

Hi.
[ laughs ]

Boys, boys!
Now, how did you get so dirty?

We've been playing
With our cars.

Cars?
These kids have cars?

Of course. I got them
Matching rolls-royces.

Well, then, that will
Keep them from making noise

With those helicopters.

[ laughs ] nonsense.
They are my babies.

Und now, darlings,

Wait till you see
The surprise mama got for you.

It's right out front.

Both: a surprise?!
Oh, boy!

[ laughs ]

I got them a train set.

[ train whistle blows ]

Amtrak?

Now,
The way I figure it,

And if the kids
Have followed the course

That I charted for them,
Uh...

They should be
Somewhere between

East st. Louis, illinois,
And osaka, japan.

I hear there are very nice
People in both those places.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Since that would put them on
The other side

Of the new dubois
International date line,

And taking into consideration
That five days have passed,

They should be calling
In about three minutes.

Oh, benson, I'm dizzy.

Tell me about it.

No, I mean
I can't stand up.

My...My knees are shaking
Like a nervous jellyfish.

Let me have a look
At you.

Well, no wonder.
You're burning up with fever.

Ja, und my stomach doesn't
Feel too good, either.

Well, you've probably got
A little flu.

[ sighs ]

Here.

The last aspirin
On earth.

Take two,
And call me in the morning.

[ crunching ]

Benson, I -- I think this
May be worse than the flu.

I...I do believe I'm dying.

Come on, kraus.

You survived a comet

That destroyed
All the people on earth.

A flu certainly isn't
Gonna k*ll you.

Oh, but I --
My stomach feels awfully bad.

What did you have
For lunch?

Canned shrimp.

Well, there's nothing wrong
With that.

Canned beets.

Hmm.

With the shrimp?
Ja.

Und for dessert,
Canned figs.

Well, then,
That would explain it.

You're not going to die.
You're going to explode.

I'm not kidding, benson.

I...I feel my strength
Is slipping away.

Oh, come on, kraus.
Don't quit on me now.

If you leave me, what will I do?
I'll be all alone.

[ sighs ]

[ static on radio ]

Mary calling.
Come in, please.

Mom, dad, it's mary.

Kraus, it's the kids.

Hello, mary.

This is your father,
The emperor.

Come in, please.

We found other humans.
Beth married the king.

And I'm marrying his brother --
A real prince of a guy.

Well, that's great news.
How are the boys?

They're busy.

There must be hundreds of young,
Unmarried women in the tribe.

They said to say hello.

[ chuckles ] well, I'm surprised
They had the time.

I can't wait
To tell your mother.

Hey, call again
At the full moon.

Right.
Over and out.

Ah...Such nice kids.

They know how to call
Their parents.

Kraus, did you hear?

Ja, ja.
It was the kids, huh?

The girls are safe,
And the boys are busy.

Ja.

Benson,
I hate to leave you,

But I know now I...
I am dying.

No, kraus, you can't die.
You can't leave me all alone.

You can't.
What will I do?

Well...

Well, you'll get along
Without me.

You're a strong man.

No, don't leave me.
Don't leave me.

I can't make it
Without you.

[ sobs ]

All those mean things
I said about you?
Ja, ja?

I didn't mean them.

You're the most beautiful,
Intelligent...

Woman I've ever known.

It's not easy
To say that...

With a straight face...

Even in a dream.

I know, benson.
I -- I know.

Oh!
Oh, benson, I...

I see a shining light.

I hear a heavenly choir.

♪ one beautiful dream ♪

[ coughs ]

Oh!

Benson...This is it.

I...I...

Goodbye!

No.

Kraus...Kraus...

Benson:
Kraus! Kraus! Kraus!

Kraus, wake up!
Wake up, kraus! Wake up!

Oh.

Oh, benson! Oh!

You will never believe the dream
I just had.

Yeah?

You und I were
The last two people on earth.

Oh, uh-huh.

We fell in love.

Oh.

Und then we got married
Und had children.

That's sick and twisted.

Then I d*ed.

Oh! Well, at least it had
A happy ending.