07x11 - Secret Love

[bunniefuu]

Well,
It's abundantly clear to me

We're wasting our time
With these applications.

There's not a qualified
Budget director in the lot.

Oh, sour grapes, clayton.

They are all qualified.

You just
Want the job yourself.

I just want
What is best for this state.

I have been doing the job
For three months

And a superlative job,
If I do say so myself.

You usually do
Say so yourself.

To tell you the truth,
Kraus,

I have problems
With all of these applications.

Well, I vote
For this harold "Biff" bilson.

He played basketball
At berkeley.

Well, he might work

If we were intending
To slam-dunk the budget.

Yeah, but this guy finished last
In a class of .

I don't care.

He is tall, muscular,
Und has a chiseled profile.

Where does it say anything
About a chiseled profile?

I can fantasize, can't I?

You can simonize your cat
For all I care.

Just don't do it
In the office.

Look, I have heard enough.

We cannot turn over
The enormous responsibility

Of all state funding
To some fool.

We turned it over to you
Three months ago.

I take that
As a personal insult.

I think that's the way
She meant it, babe.

All right. Look, I have given
You the benefit of my wisdom.

If it falls on the four deaf
Ears in this room, so be it.

Ahh, good, governor --

Found a new
Budget director yet?

Ha. Pbht! Fine.

Just ignore me.

I'm not even here!

I don't exist.

What's that?

Clayton.

What's his problem today?

Oh, the same thing
As always.

He thinks he is
Mr. Big britches, und he is not.

Mr. Big britches?

Ja, he is too big
For his britches.

Listen, can we drop
Clayton's britches for a moment?

I have a recommendation.

Good! So, who is it?

Well...
[ clears throat ]

Now, it's someone with whom
We are all quite familiar.

What is wrong
With a new face?

I know we need somebody who has
Some experience in the job.

Yeah. Who is it?

Um...

Clayton.

All in favor
Of the basketball player.

Just a minute,
Miss kraus.

Benson,
Don't get me wrong.

Clayton can do the job,

But you'll never get him through
Senator gate's committee.

They hate him over there.

That's not the point.

We hate him over here.

You want to help clayton?

What is next?

Marching for acid rain?

Kraus, why don't you
March out of here?

You're giving me
Acid indigestion.

With all of these
Excellent applications,

Why do you
Recommend clayton?

Well, number one --
We know he can do the job.

Number two -- we avoid that
Awkward transitional period.

And number three --
He's the only one who can afford

To work for the salary
The state's willing to pay.

All right,

I'll support your recommendation
On one condition --

That you ramrod him
Through the committee.

I'll be happy to.

Personally,
I think it'd be easier

To get fred flintstone
Through that committee.

Fred flintstone.

[ laughs ]

I could hear the vote now.

"All in favor,
Yabba-dabba-doo."

[ laughs ]

Yabba-dabba-doo!
Yabba-dabba-doo!

Hey, benson --
Benson, don't get me wrong.

I appreciate
Your recommendation.

Well, just answer
The questions, clayton.

And for goodness sake,
Don't embellish.

Yeah, but I do not appreciate
Your lecturing me

On how to behave
In front of the committee.

You know I have a way
With people.

That's exactly what worries
Me -- your way with people.

I am wonderful
With people.

I may not like people,
But I know how to use them.

Well, I wouldn't make that
Your campaign slogan.

I can be every bit as diplomatic
As the next jerk.

You want to know
What I think?

Mrs. Cassidy, buzz off.

I see you went
To the rambo school of charm.

You know what I think?

Don't you have
Something to dust?

Well, now, see, clayton,
That's what I mean.

Why don't you give her
A chance?

Maybe she has something
Constructive to add.

Go ahead, mrs. Cassidy.
What do you think?

I think somebody
Comes in here at night

And twists up these cords
Just to drive me wild.

See?

I mean,
The insolence of that committee.

How dare they challenge me?

Clayton,
It's not pistols at dawn.

They simply want to ask you
A few questions.

The late mr. Cassidy
Once fought a duel over me.

Oh, really?

Pistols or swords?

Barstools and beer bottles.

Don't you have something
To dust?

Look,
They don't intimidate me.

If I must be diplomatic,
So be it,

But I want you
To keep it in mind

That I am not going to kiss up
To those sharks on the hill.

Well, it's not a matter
Of kissing up to them.

Just remember they're sharks
And act accordingly.

Senators,
I have examined

All of the applications
Sent to my office,

And it is my determination

That the temporary
Budget director

Would, in fact, be the man
Most qualified for the office.

I therefore submit
For your approval

As the new budget director
Clayton endicott iii.

[ laughter ]

Order. Order.

Silence now.

Knock it off.

Lieutenant governor,

When I first received
Your recommendation,

My immediate reaction was,
"Is he kidding?"

Well, uh, senator williams,

No one is more aware
Of the prevailing sentiment

In the capitol
Regarding this matter than I.

But I must point out
That mr. Endicott

Is not running
For miss congeniality.

He is merely seeking the office
Of budget director,

For which, I repeat,
He is fully qualified.

Does the governor
Support this nomination?

Yes, he does.

Unbelievable.

And I voted for that guy.

Are you aware
That this is an important

And sensitive position you seek,

Mr. Endicott?

Well, of course,
I am aware.

Why else would I subject myself
To this inquisition?

[ chuckles ]

Are you aware
Of the heavy responsibility

That goes with this job?

That is a stupid question.

Time.

Time. Time.

Clayton, it is one thing
Not to kiss the sharks,

But it is quite another
To stir the water

And throw in buckets
Of bloody liver.

[ clears throat ]

Senator,
Would you repeat the question?

No.

Senator gate,
I would like to repeat

That the temporary
Budget director

Has already performed
Very competently in this job

For the past three months.

And in the future,
He would be able

To draw upon the experience
Of the past budget director.

Is that good enough?

That's a start,
Mr. Endicott.

Mr. Endicott, do you consider
Yourself a trustworthy person?

Yes, I do.

Reliable?

Absolutely.

A man of integrity?

Uh, look, I'm not going
To steal your precious money,

If that's
What you want to know.

Time. Time.

That's exactly
What they want to know, babe.

[ clears throat ]

Yes, senator,
In answer to your question,

I will be
A good little boy.

Mr. Endicott, do you realize
You would have access

To certain
Sensitive information

That would bear directly on
The security of our great state?

Uh, time. Time.

Look, is that a stupid question
Or what?

Well, yes, it's
A stupid question, but they --

Are you addressing the
Committee, lieutenant governor?

No, no.

Uh, mr. Endicott asked me
A stupid question,

And I would like to answer it
If you don't mind.

Clayton, you are turning
A distinguished assemblage

Into an angry mob.

Uh, yes, senators,

I am fully aware of the awesome
Responsibility incurred

When one assumes the mantle
Of this great office.

See?

That wasn't so hard.

You appear to be
A good american, mr. Endicott.

[ scoffs ]

Humility.

Senator, my lineage
Dates back to the mayflower,

And I have been blessed

With the characteristics
Of a great american.

Back off the humility.

You appear to be
A man above reproach.

Only if the senator
Says so.

Why do you have such trouble
Finding the middle ground

Between preening
And groveling?

Then maybe you can explain
To this committee why,

For the past six months,

You have been cohabitating
With a russian national.

Uhhh...

[ laughs ]

You guys are really fishing,
Aren't you, senators?

[ laughs ]

Do you believe this?

Uhhh...

[ laughs ]

I've never seen anything --
Go ahead and answer them.

Uhhh...

I don't want to.

What do you mean
You don't want to?

I don't want to.

Wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Wait a minute.
No, no, no, no.

Don't be kidding around,
Babe.

If you want this job,
You better answer that question.

I don't -- I don't --
I don't want this job.

What?

No, I don't want this job.
I don't want this job!

Come back here.
No, no.
I don't want it.

Wait a minute.

Withdraw my name!

Lieutenant governor...

Uhhh...

Don't you feel silly
Standing on the toilet?

Is nothing sacred?

You want to talk about it?

I behaved like a fool.

I can't argue with that.

What am I going to do?

My head is spinning.

My stomach's a knot.

My insides are churning.

Well, go back in there
Until you feel better.

You know
What I'm talking about.

They know about my roommate.

Senator gate's right. You
Have been living with someone.

Yes, she's a ballet dancer
From russia.

She defected.

We've been living together
For six months.

You mean you've been living
With a woman for six months

And you haven't
sh*t your mouth off about it?

I wanted
To keep it a secret.

Why?

When people see her, do they
Point and make rude remarks?

She happens to be
Extraordinarily beautiful.

I have a photograph here.

Hmm.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Mm-hmm.

[ chuckles ]

Her name's
Svetlana petropavlovska.

It doesn't matter.

She's from a little town

Just south
Of the caucasus mountains.

Well, I'm very happy for you,
Clayton.

You've found yourself
A nice caucasian girl.

Svetty loves me.

And I love svetty.

Svetty, eh?

Mm-hmm.

It's my nickname for her.

Svetty the ballet dancer --
Perfect.

If you're so in love with this
Girl, why don't you marry her?

Then the committee
Wouldn't have a gripe.

No, I can't.

She promised her family

That she wouldn't marry until
They were safely out of georgia.

Yeah, well,
That's something I know about.

My family's had trouble
With georgia, too.

Not our georgia --
Their georgia.

Well, all these caucasian states
Look alike.

Oh, svetlana,
What have I done to us?

Benson,
What am I gonna do?

You better
Do something quick.

The committee reconvenes
In minutes.

I can't. I can't.

Benson, is it true
What I heard --

That clayton's been living
With a dancing communist?

Yeah.

Red astaire.

Go ask him yourself.

Clayton, is it true?

Clayton:
She's not a communist.

Oh, good.

She wants to become
An american citizen.

She's not a citizen?

No.

Well, does she have
A green card?

She's an alien.

Oh.

Clayton,
She is from this planet?

Yes, yes, sir.

She snuck
Into the country.

Oh!

Well,
How did she do that?

You don't mean she swam?

I am not waiting
Out there any longer.

Now, what is going on?

Uhhh...

We're talking.

We're trying to develop
Some strategy here.

You know,
I have been suspecting

There was something going on
With clayton.

Do you remember
A couple of months ago,

He came in with red marks
All over his neck?

What do you mean red marks?

You remember, clayton.

You said you had the hives.

Hives. Ha.

Those were russian hickeys.

You're amazing, kraus.

You're the only one I know

Who knows the nationality
Of a hickey.

Clayton...

Yes, sir.

...You know how I feel
About you, don't you?

No, sir.

Good.

If you don't go back in there
And face that committee,

You're gonna make benson and me
Look mighty foolish.

Is that all you think about --
Yourselves?

Well, what about me?
What about my inner turmoil?

What about svetty? What if
I decide to leave public life?

What a tragic loss.
What a waste.

What a break.

Scram, buster.

Try the one
Down the hall.

All right, now,
That's about enough of this.

That committee is meeting again
In minutes.

Now, clayton, you better move it
Or you're going to lose it.

Yeah, make up your mind.

It's your decision.

Go to the next item
On the agenda.

Oh, here they are.

[ gavel raps ]

Order, please.

Well, I'm glad
You could join us, governor.

Oh, thank you, senators.

Lieutenant governor,
It's apparent

That your submission
Of the name clayton endicott

Did not hit the mark.

As much as I hate to admit it,

I'm afraid additional nominees
Will be required.

When you submit the names,

Would you at least be aware
Of their patriotism?

Senator williams, I resent that.

While clayton endicott
May be many things,

His patriotism
Is beyond question.

Then why did he turn tail
And run when the name

Svetlana petropavlovska
Was mentioned?

Well, maybe that's the first
Time he heard it said out loud.

I also think he did that
Because he thought

His relationship with her
Was private

And, frankly,
None of your business.

Ja, it is a free country,
Und it is nobody's business

What consenting russians
Und americans do

In the privacy
Of their own bunkers.

Psst.

Uh, senator,
May I have a moment?

If you must.

Thank you.

Well,
What's it gonna be?

Benson,
I have nowhere else to turn.

I need this job.

Well, if you need this job,
Stand up and fight for it.

I'm not a fighter.

I'm a lover.

Well, lover,
You're gonna be unemployed

If you don't stand up
And fight for this job.

Enough time,
Lieutenant governor.

So?

Mr. Endicott, before this
Committee throws your name out,

Would you care
To make a comment?

Uhhh...

What do I say?

Tell him the girl is not a spy,
And they damn well know it.

Right, that's good.

The girl is not a spy,
And you damn well know it.

What else?

Tell them if they want to
Poke their noses

Into people's private lives,

They should be detectives
And not senators.

Right, good.

Uh...

Did you hear that?

Yes, we heard that.

More, more, more.

Clayton,
You have to do it yourself.

Speak from your gut.
Speak from your heart.

All right.

Tell them what you want.

[ inhales deeply ]

Senators, I want to be
Completely candid with you.

I want to speak to you
From the very bottom of my soul.

I sincerely believe this.

That's it.
Go get 'em.

My father could buy
And sell every one of you,

And don't you forget it.

Well, I think we've
Heard enough, mr. Endicott.

I suggest we take a vote.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
Wait, wait, wait.

[ mumbles ]

[ clears throat ]

Ladies and gentlemen...

August members
Of this committee...

Senators...

Let me be brief.

Please.

Oh, please.

If I don't get this job,
I can't go home for christmas.

I'm sorry for what I said.

I didn't mean it.

I'll be good at this job.

I

Really, really,
Really would.

I'm a good man.

She's a good woman.

So she's a russian.

She loves me.

No american ever loved me.

Don't ruin my life.

I call for a vote.

All in favor of the nomination,
Say aye.

Aye.
Aye. Aye.

Nomination is approved.
Meeting is adjourned.

[ sobs ]

Are they gone?

Mercifully, yes.

[ laughs ]

Oh,
I knew that would work.

What do you mean?
You were faking it?

[ laughs ]

Always worked
With my father.

Clayton,
You are shameless.

I'm gonna tell you
One thing, benson.

I'm gonna
Hold you responsible

For the way
Clayton does his job.

[ sighs ]

I'd like to submit the name
Of fred flintstone.

Barney rubble?

Yabba-dabba-doo!