07x12 - Summer of Discontent

[bunniefuu]

Here is the committee report
On that toxic-waste dump.

Why are you holding it
Like that?

Did they include samples?

No, no, no.
I just painted my nails.

They're still a little wet.

Why didn't you do that
Before you came in?

Oh, don't jump down
My tonsils, buster.

I didn't have time
This morning

Because I had to be here
So early.

You didn't have to be here early
Just because I was.

Yes, I did, so you could pick up
Your nephew at the airport.

You'd be lost around here
Without me, benson.

It's true what they say --

Behind every successful man,
There is a woman.

Yeah, but where do you
Fit in?

[ sighs ]
Very funny.

How come he has to spend
The summer with you anyway?

Is he being punished?

[ chuckles ]

You know, the kid's going
Through one of those stages.

He can't communicate
With his parents.

Yeah, yeah.
Real foul ball, huh?

No, not as far
As I'm concerned.

We always got along
Very well together.

He was even named after me.

Really?

Boy, nobody in my family
Ever named a child after me.

Well, it's no wonder,
Kraus.

Who would want to name a baby
"The thing"?

Hey, uncle benson!

Benson!
How are you?

Great.

Boy, have you grown
In the last two years.

Four years.

Four years --
It's been that long?

Kraus, I want you to meet
My nephew, benson hawkins.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Oh, what a fine
Young man.

I see the gene pool
Is improving

With the generations.

If I need you,
I'll buzz your cage.

Who's the broad?

Oh, don't call her that.

She's a lady.
She's a...

Well, whatever she is,
Don't call her that.

Well, if you two got
A little thing going on --

Don't ever
Say that again!

Don't even think it.
Have a seat.

What are you doing here?
Did your plane get in early?

Oh, no. I cashed in my ticket.
I hitched out.

You hitchhiked?
Don't you know that's dangerous?

Yeah, well, so is flying.

I mean, you never hear
About hitchhikers

Going down
In the middle of the pacific.

You also never hear about
An airline pilot

Who mugs his passengers.

Hey, good news.

I got you a job
Right here in the mansion.

Oh, really?
What's my title?

Title? Well, there's
No official title.

It'll be more like
"Chief gofer."

Gofer?

You got to be kidding.

Don't you have any pull
Around here?

Well, look, benson,

You're a college dropout
With no work history.

It's a little difficult

To get you appointed
As attorney general.

Oh, well,
A job's a job, right?

Right! Glad to see
You got the right attitude.

Say, unc,
Can I borrow your car?

What for?

I want to ride around
And check things out.

Sure, sure, sure.

And the keys to the condo
Are on there,

In case
You want to freshen up.

Now, you remember
Where it is, right?

Yeah.
I'll catch you later.

All right -- oh!
Benson.

Now, remember,

You have to be back here
To pick me up at :.

Oh, no problem.

And, by the way, uh...

I don't go by
The name "Benson" anymore.

No?

Why?

Well, you know,

Some people hassle you
When you --

When you got kind of
A...Wimpy name.

Wimpy, huh?

D-don't get me wrong --

I-it isn't for me,

But it's okay
For an old dude like you.

Yeah, well,
I suppose it is better

Than being called "Pops."

So, what do
They call you, then?

Clete.

Clete?

[ chuckles ]

As in the bottom
Of a football shoe?

Well, I happen to think
It's a stronger name.

Yeah, well, okay.
It's all right with me.

All right.
Catch you later.

All right.

Clete's a stronger name?

[ scoffs ]

Clete.
[ deep voice ] benson.

[ normal voice ]
No contest.

[ dance music playing ]

Hey, drinks
Are on the way, people.

Excuse me.

Hey, uncle benson!

What's going on here?

Oh, we're having
A little party.

I can see that.
But why didn't you pick me up?

I had to get a ride home
With kraus.

Oh, wow, I'm sorry.
I completely forgot.

Why are you
Throwing a party?

Well, I wanted
To establish myself socially,

So I decided to host
A little get-together.

Little? There are
or people out there.

Yeah, a lot of them
Had to leave early.

[ scoffs ]

Well, where on earth
Did you meet all these people?

Around.

Hey, I hope you don't mind.
Do you?

Yes, I do mind.

It's a little jarring
To come home

And find your living room
Looking like a prince video.

Okay, don't get
Bent out of shape.

It's no problem.

Hey, everybody,
Party's over.

[ all groaning ]

My uncle benson says he wants
Everybody to get the hell out.

I didn't say that.

Strike that.
Everything's cool.

Keep boogieing.

[ cheering ]

I didn't say that, either.

Well, what are you saying?

I'm saying that
You should have talked to me

Before you went
And did something like this.

All right. All right.
It won't happen again.

Okay, we got
That straightened out.

It makes me feel better.

Uh...

Clete, clete, clete.

The refrigerator
Is empty.

Oh, don't blame yourself.

You didn't know
All these people were coming.

I don't believe this!
They even ate the baking soda.

Listen, I'm going to go
Down to the corner

And get myself
Something to eat.

I'll be back in about an hour,
And I want this party over.

Come on, unc, it's
Just starting to heat up.

Over!

All right,
I'll wrap it up soon.

But in the meantime,
I have got to boogie.

Everybody say "Ho!"

All: ho!

Keep the boogie down.

You all heard the man.
Boogie down!

Will you two knock it off?

Kraus, where are those voter
Demographics I asked you for?

You got me.

I don't want you.
I want the voter demographics.

Well, I did my job.

I sent someone to the capitol
To pick it up.

But that was
Three hours ago!

Did you send someone
From this office?

Better yet, did you send
Someone from this county?

I sent clete.

Oh, clete? Well, he's probably
Got a good excuse.

He's a nice-enough kid,
Benson,

But he is taking forever
To run errands.

I tried to talk to him
About it.

It's like talking
To a brickyard.

You mean a brick wall.

Whatever.
A brick is a brick.

You just can't talk to it.

Benson, where in the hell
Is that nephew of yours?

I asked him to deliver
My proposal

To the finance committee,

And he hasn't even
Picked it up yet.

Maybe the kid
Doesn't pick up garbage.

Please, miss kraus,

I am in no mood for
Your aborted attempts at humor.

Are you in the mood
For a fat lip?

Benson,
If this obvious nepotism

Is some sort of conspiracy
To annoy me,

Let me assure you that
It is off to a roaring start.

I am not trying
To annoy you, clayton.

And I wish you'd give me
The same courtesy.

Good news!

I just won $
In the football pool.

What football pool?

The one
Down in the mail room.

Who is running a football pool
In the mail room?

Clete.

Clete?!

Of course.
Who else?

Well, half the staff
Was in it.

It was quite a pool.

Listen, if you guys
Want to get in,

Clete says the next deadline
Is noon tomorrow.

Great.

At least we know
He'll be back by then.

Well, isn't this wonderful?

Now your nephew
Is running a bookie joint

Out of the mail room.

What's next --

A gambling casino
In the basement

With slot machines
And show girls?

Oh, we couldn't do that.

Oh, well, now, we could...

We take out that one wall
And move the furnace --

Governor.
Governor, please, no.

All right, benson.

If no one else will say this,
I will.

Your nephew is a royal pain
In the office.

I happen to like him.

Oh, uh, well, well,
I...I...Uh...

I don't dislike him.

It's just
That he's high-spirited.

All right. All right.

I realize clete's not
Doing his job well.

I'll have a talk with him,

See if I can't
Straighten him out.

Good. I'm glad I could
Help clear the air.

If you really want to
Clear the air, clear out.

Fine. Fine.

I have important things
To do.

Hmph.

Benson, I really am sorry

About all this stuff
With your nephew.

I mean, I really sympathize.

It could be katie --
Not that it would be.

I mean, she was
Raised differently.

Oh, she was, was she?

Oh! Oh, I didn't mean
That the way it sounded!

Oh, I'm sure your sister
Is a wonderful mother.

She certainly didn't raise him
To be a problem.

What problem?

Oh, well, you know
What I'm trying to say.

Yes, governor,
Strange as it may seem,

I know exactly
What you're saying.

Good. Good. 'cause

I hate to repeat myself.

I know. I know.

Good. Good.

Bye-bye.

Hey, hey, hey!
Hey!

Boy, that governor
Sure knows his sports, huh?

Where have you been?

I was at lunch.

For three hours?

Well, not quite.
I met this girl.

So?

So we had lunch,
Took a little walk,

Went to the movies.

It adds up
To about three hours.

You went to the movies
In the middle of a workday?

Oh, that was her idea.

Clete, you have a job.
People depend on you.

For what?! Where are the
Demographics I asked you for?

I told you, I met this girl.

What are you
All uptight about, unc?

Because you have job!

Any jerk can do this job.

Well, I know one jerk
Who's not even coming close.

Ow, unc, you don't
Have to talk to me that way.

I'm a human being, too,
You know.

I'm just trying
To point out to you --

Forget it.

Take your beeper.
You can bag this job.

What?

I quit.
I'm out of here.

Adios, I'm a ghost.

I am vapor.

I am in the wind.

Well, gee, I hope I wasn't
Too hard on the lad.

All right.

That's a breakdown
Of the figures.

And now [clears throat]

The red bar
On the endicott budget rainbow

Represents
The largest contributor.

What is this green bar?

Ya, da, da, da, da.

Please, sir.

You can't understand
The green bar

Until I've explained
The blue bar.

Benson, are you
Paying attention?

What?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm hanging
On your every word.

I don't know why I bothered

Spending two hours
Preparing this chart.

I thought it was so
You could bore us to death.

He doesn't need charts
To bore us.

I am simply trying to fulfill
My responsibilities.

Now, benson,
Please pay attention.

Oh, leave him alone,
Clayton.

He's worried
About his nephew.

Oh, and what would you
Have us do, miss kraus --

Put the state on hold

While we talk about
Benson's problem?

Well,
We're all family here.

If benson has a problem,

We should take time
To help him with it.

That's all right, governor.
I don't want to discuss it.

Good. Now if we could all
Just turn our attention

Back to the chart...

We'll be happy
To listen, benson.

Fine! Fine!
Let's forget about the chart

And talk about benson's
Little problem.

It's getting to be like
A soap opera around here --

"The days of our benson"...

All right.

"As the dubois turns."

All right!

Fine! Fine!

I'll just take my chart
And go back to my office!

And so ends another episode
Of "The tense and the useless."

If you ask me, benson,
What clete needs

Is to be put across
Someone's knee and paddled.

Fine. Who's knee
Do you suggest -- lyle alzado?

Miss kraus, would you
Leave benson and me alone?

Why?

'cause we would like
To discuss his nephew.

Oh, I don't
Want to discuss him.

But don't let
That keep you here.

No problem.
It's no skin off my knees.

Is that the way that goes?

Benson, I know you don't
Want to talk about this,

And I don't want to pry,

But that's
What friends are for.

Maybe I might be able
To help you with this.

Well, I just don't
Understand the kid.
Mm-hmm.

He's got no sense
Of responsibility...
Uh-huh.

Thinks life is
One great-big party.

How do you talk
To somebody like that?

I don't know.
How do you
Get through to him?

I don't know.
What does
He want from me?

I don't know.

What do you mean?
You said you could help me!

No. I said I might
Be able to help you.

Turns out, I can't.

[ snoring ]

[ cabinet door slams ]

[ pan crashes ]

Hey, good morning,
Uncle benson.

Mmm.
What's for breakfast?

Eggs.

Mmm.
Make mine scrambled.

Make them yourself.

What's eating you?

Who is that woman
In my bathroom?

That's latoya.

I met her yesterday.

I'm thinking about making her
My main squeeze.

Don't make her
Your main squeeze in my house.

Oh, come on, unc.

What is she doing here?

It got too late
To take her home,

So I let her have my room,
And I slept out here.

Don't be so uptight, unc.

Clete, we have to talk.

And stop calling me "Unc."

Good morning.

Oh, hi. Come here.

I want you to meet
My uncle benson.

Hi, unc.

By the way, do you have
Any all-cotton towels?

Polyester gives me
Such a terrible rash.

Aren't those my pajamas?

Yeah. Clete said
You wouldn't mind.

[ forced chuckling ]

Would you mind?

I have to talk
To steve stunning here.

Okay.

And please take off
My pajamas.

Sure.

Not here.

Mm-mmm.

You upset
About something?

Why should I be upset?

Just because you threw
A party in my house,

I got you a job,
You walked off it,

I haven't seen my car
In three days,

Why should I be upset?

Chill out, unc.

We're just talking
About material things.

My material things.

Maybe you should sit down.

Don't tell me to sit down.

Boy, you got a real attitude
About this, don't you?

You got that right.
Older dudes get attitudes.

Now, why are you
Turning your back on me?

Oh, my eggs are burning.

Okay, lay it on me.

Clete, look at yourself.

You've got no sense of
Responsibility, no initiative,

And, as far as I can see,
No plans for the future.

You sound
Just like my parents.

Did it ever occur to you

That your parents
Might be right?

No.

Look, all my parents
Want to do

Is control my life
From their little ivory tower.

Is that what you think
I want to do?

Hey, I don't know.

I used to think
You were real cool.

But I don't know
What you've turned into.

All you seem interested in

Is women, good times,
And parties.

So?

What are you going to do
With your life?

Women, good times,
And parties.

I know what the problem is.

You're jealous.

You don't like my lifestyle.

I certainly don't like
Paying for it.

Now you sound like my dad.

What is it
With you older dudes?

Everything is
Money, money, money.

All right, tell me this.

You were making good grades
In school.

Why did you drop out?
Answer me that.

I don't owe you an answer.

Hey, look, it's my life,

And I can do
Anything I want with it.

I don't need you sitting in your
Ivory tower pontificating.

You're right --
It is your life,

And you can do
Anything you want with it.

But when it breaks down,

Don't blame your father,
Your mother,

And, for god's sake,
Don't blame me.

As long as you're
Going to live in this house,

There are rules.

And rule number one is --
I'm out of here.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it.

Wait just a minute here!
Hold it!

[ loudly ] rule number one is
Don't slam the door!

Uncle benson,
You got a minute?

Yeah.
What do you want?

Couple of things.

First, I want to --

I want to apologize
For walking out.

I shouldn't have done that.

And, second,

I heard what you were saying
This morning...

And I appreciate
The fact that you care.

Your parents care,
Too, clete.

Yeah, I know.

Well, you'll be glad to know
I made some plans.

Let's hear them.

Well, I'm going to hitch
Out to california,

And I'm gonna
Blow it out this time.

Yeah, go nuts!
Crazy time!

Well, it's certainly
Heartwarming to know

That you've put a great deal
Of thought into this.

No, really.

Uncle benson, remember
How you used to tell me

How you went to new orleans

And hung out at jazz clubs
For almost a year?

Yeah.
Well, what was that?

Well, that was...

It was...

Okay, okay.
What is your point?

My point is,

I'm just not ready for
A nine-to-five life right now.

It'll be there.
It can wait.

Well, don't be so sure.

It may still be there,

But you're going to have to
Work your tail off to get it.

The world's not holding
Its breath for clete hawkins.

Nobody's going to
Hand you anything.

Look, uncle benson,
I know I've got to go to school.

I know I have to get a job.

I know
I have to be responsible.

And I know the next word
Out of your mouth

Is going to be "But."

But not now.
See?

I want to be crazy
For a while.

Good news is
You're succeeding.

I'll know when it's time
To get serious.

You knew, didn't you?

Yeah, I suppose I did.

But let me give you
A word of advice, clete.

Time has a way
Of getting...Away from you.

Don't get lost
Looking for yourself.

Just trust me, uncle benson.
I'm smart.

Oh, come on, clete.
I know you're smart, but...

Let's go down to the corner
And get something to eat,

And we can talk
About your plans.

Sure.
Hey, can I drive?

Can I call you benson?
No.

Then I'll drive.