01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, here we go.

- Okay, okay. Family movie night, guys.

- Yeah.

- What we gonna watch?

- We've all gotta agree on something.

- I wanna watch The Emoji Movie.

Okay.

Come on. You've seen it 8,000 times.

Yeah, sweetie, I really don't think

I can watch The Emoji Movie again.

But that's what I wanna watch.

What about Inside Out?

- It's so cute. It's not for me.

- Okay.

- I think you'll like it.

- You just wanna watch it again.

You always tear up.

Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie!

- How about John Wick?

- What?

- We're not watching John Wick, Simon.

- No. We're not watching

- How do you No.

- What? No.

Well, maybe there's something

new that came out. Let me check.

Good idea.

- Okay.

- Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie!

Oh, whoa.

- What?

- What?

- Will's getting a divorce.

- Who's Will?

- Will's getting a divorce?

- Yeah. Audrey just posted it on her Insta.

- Who's Will?

- Wait, you didn't know that?

- No. I haven't spoken to him for so long.

- Who's Will?

He's a old friend of mine, honey.

There was a time when Will

was Mommy's best friend.

- Like, an ex?

- No. Just a friend.

With benefits?

- No. Ew. What? No benefits.

- No.

Yeah. In fact, Will was your

mom's maid of honor at our wedding.

What are we watching

for family movie night?

- Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie.

- I can't. I

I can't watch The Emoji

Movie again. I just can't.

- Oh, babe, why do you care?

- It's a movie about fonts.

- How about Halloween?

- No.

- It doesn't matter.

- Talking fonts.

- Poop emoji!

- It's wrong.

We have so little time together.

- Poop emoji!

- What about Dahmer?

- No.

- Dahmer?

Why not? We should watch Dahmer.

- Dahmer? Okay.

- Yeah.

I know what we're gonna do.

Poop emoji.

- You should call Will.

- I'm the last person he'd wanna hear from.

You're overthinking it. He probably

really wants to hear from you.

I don't know.

We literally haven't spoken

to each other in years.

We parted on the worst

terms. His wife hated me.

- You hated her.

- Well, it wasn't that simple.

I told him I thought

Audrey was terrible for him,

and then he married her.

Well, looks like he came around.

Well, it definitely wasn't

worth losing a friend over.

Yeah, so call him.

- It'll just be weird.

- Why?

I don't know.

Men and women don't really hang

out with each other at our age.

- That's not true.

- Come on.

All our friends are couple friends,

and you talk to the men,

and I talk to the women.

Yeah, I guess that is true.

When did it become so hard

for men and women to socialize?

- After we got married? After we had kids?

- Well, you and Will predate all that.

I guess. Poor Will. He's

probably pretty lonely.

Call him. That's what friends do.

- Hi. Oh, my God. Ah.

- Hey. Look at you.

- How are you? Ah.

- I'm great. How are you?

- You look well. This

- I am. Feeling good.

- Your T-shirt's good. It's

nice. Yeah. - Yeah, thank you.

You look like a '90s grunge clown.

Ah, gosh. How is it go

How's the beer business?

Very good, yeah.

Um, I'm actually the brewmaster

at my own, uh, bar now.

- What? Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Very cool.

Uh, I'm actually We're having

a party at the bar this weekend.

- Okay.

- Yeah. If, uh If you're around, uh

If you're around this

weekend, uh, stop by the bar.

- Oh, I'd love to. Yeah.

- Yeah, I'll send you the details.

Um, are you still, uh, lawyering?

Charlie just made partner,

and I I help him out.

Oh, wow.

So, uh, you work at the

firm with Charlie still?

We've been doing a lot

of work. It's been great.

You and Charlie are currently

employed at the same law firm?

I am not on salary.

But that's society for you.

I do not work currently.

I see. You are unemployed currently.

Um, you still got that,

uh, family of yours?

Yeah. You wanna see a photo?

Yeah.

Wow. There they are.

Cool. Wow.

Cool.

Look healthy.

Well, look, I-I just

wanted to, um, apologize

for how I handled things with your wife.

I felt, um Especially saying

that you shouldn't marry her.

I regret that.

- Well

- What?

- Nothing.

- Oh.

- What's, uh Y You Yeah? You good?

- Nothing. No, I'm just telling you.

Yeah, great, no.

- Um, all right. I appreciate that.

- Yeah.

Well, she's my ex-wife now, so

- Oh, no! When did that happen?

- Yes.

Just a few months ago. Yeah.

- Oh, no.

- Yep.

How did that happen? What

happened between you guys?

Nothing. It was mutual. Uh, it

was, uh, very amicable and mutual.

- Okay.

- We're still friends. We hang out.

- Wow. That's very evolved.

- Yes, very amicable.

Um, and, uh, yeah, you know,

conscious uncoupling and

all that. All that sh*t.

Well, divorce is hard.

Let's not.

- Well, this has been a blast.

- This has been so so nice to see you.

Yeah. This has been a

blast. This has been so fun.

Um, all right.

- Okay.

- Um, yeah. If you're around this weekend,

- come to the party.

- For sure.

- I'll send you the details.

- Yeah, definitely.

- Yeah. Great.

- I'll get a babysitter. Okay.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

- She's gone for five years,

- and now she's coming to our party?

- Yes.

Mmm. That's a little f*cked up.

- Why is that f*cked up?

- You know, she never liked Audrey.

Now Audrey's out of

the picture, she's back.

Feels a little f*cked up to me.

I actually don't think her hating Audrey

has anything to do with her return.

She actually didn't even

know that we were divorced

when she asked me out to coffee.

Wait, go back. Who's this chick

that hates my sister so much?

She's a friend of mine. And also,

Audrey, my ex-wife, not your sister.

She's your stepsister.

And as far as I know, your parents

got married when you were, like,

almost out of high school, so it's

pretty weird how close you are.

Also, you don't have to be here.

We run the bar. You're an investor.

You can stay home and defraud

Seth Green out of NFTs, okay?

- Look, I get what's happening here.

- What?

- You can't be friends with a girl.

- That is absolutely not true.

The whole movie When Harry Met

Sally is dedicated to proving

the fact that you can

be friends with a woman.

No, Will. That's a bad

example. Harry marries Sally.

- They f*ck. They're not friends.

- Fact.

That movie should be called

When Harry f*cked Sally.

You can only be friends with a

woman if she's not hot. Double fact.

That is not true.

- That's not what I said. Didn't say that.

- No. Fellas, I agree with Will.

Because I'm best friends with

my aunt, and she's a perfect ten.

- Nice.

- There you go.

I have met your aunt,

and she is hot. Fact.

- That's yucky.

- Yeah, it's weird. Anyways.

So, do you think she's

gonna come or what?

No. I do not think she'll

come. She lives in Culver City.

She has three or nine children.

I can't remember, honestly,

but it'll be logistically

too hard for her to pull off.

I just invited her to be polite.

Couldn't tell with

that body. Good for her.

Whoa, whoa. I don't think you

can tell how many kids someone has

just from the way their body looks.

I mean, consider for a

moment, the termite queen.

You wouldn't know by looking at it

that it has thousands and

thousands of offspring.

Think we're gonna move you to

the back of the house, Omar.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Mommy, don't come with me.

- What?

- I'm not a baby anymore.

I'm in kindergarten. You

don't have to come with me.

Oh, I know, but I love to

walk you to your classroom

Stay.

Okay.

I forgot my water bottle.

Yes!

Like it's any worse for

him than a juice box.

Did you see what just happened?

Maeve didn't want me to walk

her to her classroom anymore.

You had a good run.

It's just so abrupt.

I've been a full-time

mom for the past 13 years,

and now no one even wants to be

seen with me on the schoolyard.

I do.

Yeah, I thought I'd feel relieved

when Maeve finally went

to kindergarten, you know?

Have some time to myself.

Have a shower. Make a salad.

You were never gonna make a salad.

And now I feel like everybody's

just looking at me, going,

"What are you gonna do

with the rest of your life?"

No, no. No one is looking

at us. We're invisible.

We're We're middle-aged women. Watch.

Oh, hi. Morning, guys. How was the

- No.

- This is a midlife crisis.

This is how a woman

experiences a midlife crisis.

You know what I'm

thinking you should do?

- Please don't say it.

- Etsy.

- I was a lawyer. I have a law degree.

- I always forget that.

Remember how I told you I was catching

up with that old friend of mine?

He asked me what I did, and I

showed him a picture of my kids.

- Oof, brutal.

- Right?

He couldn't get away from me fast

enough. And I don't blame him.

Honestly, he's, like, this hipster,

brewpub, kind of fashion guy,

and I'm, like, a

He's hosting a party at his

bar in the Arts District.

We should go!

What? No, no. No, it's

not for people like us.

Maybe I'll meet somebody. I

have had such a long dry spell.

Yeah, that's where

you're gonna meet someone.

But who are you gonna

meet at a downtown brewpub?

- Shia LaBeouf.

- Oh. Again? Still with the Shia LaBeouf?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I just happen to like them

small and angry and crazy.

And you know he's good at f*cking.

- No.

- No, you know that he is.

Come on. Let's just go

to the party. Who cares?

This could be the last

party before we die.

- Can't argue with that.

- No.

Bye.

- Oh, my God. Bye, guys!

- Bye.

- See you at pickup.

- Bye.

- Pickpocket them, huh? I'm here.

- Yes! Happily.

- Yeah. I'm here.

- Can't you see me?

You don't see this? You don't see this?

I'm here. You don't see this?

Do I look okay?

I feel I dress like a literal cougar.

Like it's leopard though.

- I mean, do I look divorced and desperate?

- No, you look great.

Oh, holy sh*t! Everyone

here is Frances's age.

Oh, my God. Is that guy

wearing a T-shirt and no pants?

Is that cool now?

Don't ask me. I know as nothing as you.

Well, I'll tell you this.

We may not be young,

but we have life experience

that none of these b*tches have.

Oh, yeah. Like Like

how to swaddle a newborn.

- Okay. Yeah.

- Right?

I'll tell you this much. We got

better credit than anybody in here.

- Oh, better credit!

- Credit!

- Better credit, better credit ♪

- Better credit, better credit ♪

- Better credit ♪

- Ooh ♪

Sorry for existing.

I just This feels like it's

gonna be awkward. I don't know.

We could just go.

Why don't we go and go somewhere else

- and get a glass of wine

- Okay, yeah. Sure.

- Hey!

- Hi Hi!

Oh, my God. He saw me. Hi! Hi!

I don't wanna be here.

I don't wanna be here.

- Hi. Hey!

- Hey! You made it.

- Yeah. Congrats.

- Good to see you.

- Thank you so much. Yeah. Hey.

- Yeah, of course. This is Katie.

- Hi. Hi.

- Katie, Will. Andy.

- Hi.

- Katie.

- Sylvia.

- Hey, man. Congratulations, you guys.

- This is such an achievement.

- So cool. It's so hip.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Yes.

Will couldn't have done it

without your support, Sylvia.

- Okay. Great.

- I'm gonna I'm gonna get us some drinks.

Oh, okay. Listen, I'm not gonna say no,

'cause, you know, it's your thing.

- Okay.

- I can get you to the front.

- Oh, thanks. Thanks.

- Yeah. Yeah.

This is amazing.

- You've really made this work.

- We did it. Yeah, it's cool.

- I have an idea for your next venture.

- Oh, yeah? What is it?

Yes. A wine pub.

A wine pub? Oh, yeah. Like a

place that serves wine and food?

- Yes.

- That's called a restaurant.

- Yeah, not enough of those around, right?

- I'm just saying.

I could be sitting a

on a chair having a glass

of wine in this very spot.

- That's very true.

- So

Sorry to interrupt your story.

Uh, the lady from LA Times is by

the tanks if you want to talk to her.

Oh, yeah, sure.

- Uh, I'll be right back.

- Yeah, cool.

This is so good! I know you

worked so hard on this and

I don't know what you think you know,

but the divorce is still fresh, okay?

So be careful with my guy.

You talked just as much

sh*t about her as I did,

but I got blamed and cut out.

That's not fair. That's sexist.

Don't Susan B. Anthony me, okay?

Just 'cause you got your Hillary

Clinton white pantsuit on.

- Wow.

- Listen, I don't make the rules.

I just respect 'em.

I-I don't know what

you're talking about.

- That doesn't make any sense

- You know what I'm talking about.

- So yeah.

- Well, I don't.

- Oh. Sorry. Little do-si-do.

- Okay. Oh.

Sorry. That was weird. Congrats.

- Thank you.

- Uh, there you go.

- Hey!

- So, I met a guy at the bar.

- What? Tell me everything.

- Yeah!

Well, I couldn't hear

anything that he said.

- Not a word, 'cause it's so loud in here.

- Oh. Right. It's very loud.

And I couldn't see him very well.

I don't have my glasses on.

- But it's fun to be out! Yeah.

- Aw, that's cute.

Okay, well, I think we

should We can get outta here.

- Don't tear me away.

- Okay.

Yeah, I'm so f*cking tired.

Well, that was a bummer.

- Yeah, I don't know. What did you expect?

- I don't know.

It's just so weird to

be close with someone,

and then all of a sudden

you're complete strangers.

Your friendship with Will is

not built for this phase of life.

I have a lot of male

friends. I mean, I did.

- I used to.

- Yeah, so did I.

- My best friend in college

- Mmm.

his name was Oren.

- What happened? You still in touch?

- Yeah.

I talk to him on the phone every night.

- Well, there you go.

- What?

Of course not! What

do you think happened?

- What?

- No! No, I don't talk to him every night.

What's wrong with you?

We got very drunk, had sex,

and then we never spoke again.

Oh.

This thing with you and Will, it's

just more trouble than it's worth.

He's from your past.

- He's like acid-washed jeans.

- Well, they're back in fashion.

- No. Stop.

- They are. Frances told me. They're back.

g*dd*mn it.

What the f I just,

just gave them away.

- Chill.

- Shut up. Hey, how dare you?

What the f*ck is your f*cking problem?

Oh, no. Oh, my God. That's

Audrey. That's his ex-wife.

Bringing a date to my bar?

W In what world is that okay?

- That's the ex-wife?

- Yeah.

Geez, she's hot.

- Oh, my God.

- She's a She's gorgeous.

She's just gorgeous.

You have everything.

You have the whole world.

I have one place! This place!

And you bring a f*cking n*zi to my bar?

- Get this f*cking guy out of here.

- But I am from Norway

where a social democratic alliance

has controlled parliament for many

Don't pretend your family likes Jews.

How f*cking dare you?

I know you guys are used to

invading other people's territories,

but this is my bar!

This is my place! I

get this in the divorce.

This is not yours.

It's my brother's bar.

He's your f*cking stepbrother.

Why do you fixate on that

detail? It's so weird.

Because I think it's weird how

close you are, if I'm being honest.

I think it's weird!

Your stepbrother, by the way?

Not the only owner of this bar.

I own 24.5% of this f*cking place!

And meanwhile,

you're bringing Leni Riefenstahl's

f*cking key grip in here.

Oh, no, Will. Oh, dear.

He's unhinged. This is awful.

This is so fun.

- Oh, I love her shoes. Oh.

- My God. That top.

Okay, it was a mistake to bring

him, but you need to cool down.

- Oh, you think? Oh, I won't cool down.

- Take it down a notch.

In this place, I can

be as uncool as I want.

I'll bring it up 20 notches!

That's how That's what I'm gonna do.

- Yeah. Go back to the bunker.

- Hey.

Auf Wiedersehen.

That was completely unprofessional, man.

No f*cking sh*t it was!

Do you think I'm happy?

- Completely.

- I know!

- Oh, this is I g I can't

- I have to stay.

No, don't.

No, no, no, it's not a big deal.

He's just He looks so sad.

No, I actually don't care.

So I will see you at

morning assembly tomorrow,

- at 8:15.

- Okay. Okay.

- Jesus Christ. It's 10:15.

- Okay.

Yeah, I That's why I'm going home.

Okay.

- Hey, buddy.

- Hey.

You okay?

No. I need to get outta here.

Do you wanna get a drink somewhere else?

- Yeah, sure.

- Okay.

I thought you guys

ended on friendly terms.

That That didn't seem very friendly.

Can you tell me what happened?

Like, why it ended and

She just started to, you know,

think I was not ambitious

enough and not a serious person.

And she thought I drank too much.

- Which is, like, literally your job.

- Literally my job.

I'm working right now. I'm k*lling

it. Putting in overtime, you know?

But

And then she kinda moved up,

uh, in the world as an art dealer

and she just started to look at

me like I was a f*cking loser.

And so I did the mature,

uh, responsible thing

- Mmm.

- and I hooked up with a rando one night.

Mmm.

- So you really are the hero of this story.

- I think I look pretty good, right?

- Huh?

- Coming out on top.

- Yeah, you crushed it.

- Yeah, yeah. Um

Well, there's a lot of

pretty lasses here, huh?

Maybe you just need to

be with someone else.

I don't think That

is not what I need.

I don't mean like a life partner,

but just someone for a bit of fun.

You know, I could do

my whole thing again.

I could dust off my wings

and be your wing-lass.

It's okay. Are you drunk?

How many drinks have you had?

Uh, I've had two beers, so yes, I am.

This is not a "meet people"

bar. This is a trauma bar, okay?

Where you going?

Hi. Hi, ladies.

He has a lot of tattoos. I

see you have some tattoos, huh?

- Oh, yeah. I do. Mm-hmm.

- What does this one mean?

It's a tribute to my boyfriend

who was m*rder*d a year ago.

Do you mind me asking what happened?

I've never met anyone who was

Well, he was stabbed.

Uh, okay, thank you. Nice meeting you.

- It was lovely to meet you.

- Bring it in.

Cheers. Bye.

- Sorry.

- Jesus.

Oh, she seemed really sweet but I

think she had a lot of baggage.

You think? At least if I'm

with her, I know if I die,

I'll be honored in the

form of a tramp stamp.

I can't be dating right now.

It is humiliating.

I'm 40 years old, okay?

I-I-I The thought of it is

gives me a panic att*ck, you know?

Look. Look at this

guy. Look at this cutie.

Remember him? Huh? He was

the king of p*ssy town!

We don't really say that anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry, he was

the emperor of p*ssy town.

The president of the p*ssy.

P-town P-town daddy.

- All jokes aside

- Come on.

look how young and virile I am.

And my look almost seems as though

it is single-handedly

being pulled together

through this amazing

golden chai necklace.

- Oh, God. Here we go.

- My beautiful chai.

This was the best thing

that ever happened to me.

And now Honestly, now

that I think about it,

my entire life went downhill

the moment my chai

necklace was thrown away.

I am not gonna apologize for

getting rid of that thing.

Men can't wear gold necklaces.

That was so ugly.

- Tell that to Mel Gibson.

- Exactly.

Literally you have to tell him,

'cause he will not

talk to Jewish people.

- All right. That's it. Let's go.

- Where we going?

I'm gonna get you a new chai necklace.

- A chai necklace?

- A chai necklace.

I don't know if there's any, uh,

24-hour Judaica stores

in the neighborhood,

- but we'll find one.

- Come on, Mel. Let's go.

Thank you. Good to see you.

Here we are.

- Hello. Hi, hi, hi.

- Hello. We request access.

- Yeah.

- Come in.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Mmm.

- You looking for a guitar?

- No.

Uh, 'cause this one

belonged to Mick Jagger.

What? How much is it?

A thousand.

That seems like a bargain

for Mick Jagger's guitar.

We could buy it and

sell it for a profit.

- It's not Mick Jagger's guitar.

- I'm just saying.

- That might be Rick Jagger's guitar.

- Well, I have an interested buyer.

- We're good.

- Ooh.

What the f*ck?

Look at that. I want that.

The dog?

No, not that. The The "W"

hanging off the the collar. "W."

Will. I'm Will. That

That That stands for Will.

That's sterling silver. Fifty bucks.

- Wow.

- Fifty dollars.

- Oh, sterling silver. Really?

- That deal. Sterling silver, $50.

Okay.

Come on. Look at that!

- Okay. Sold.

- You got a deal, sir.

Thank you.

Go on and get it now.

- Pardon me?

- I'm not taking anything from Wrestler.

Okay, all right. Thank you,

sir. I would like a refund.

Oh, come on, man. You just

took my money, like, just then.

Yo.

- We got this.

- I can't steal the I can't

I've I'm a married

woman. I have three children.

I can't get att*cked by a Doberman.

- Why did you come out tonight?

- I wanted to see you, catch up.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

That is not why you came

out. You came out to have fun.

- I did.

- So why don't we have fun?

- Let's do it. Come on.

- Okay.

Your kids will think it's cool

if their mother's missing an ear.

Plea No, no, no, no. Come on.

Just You calm the

beast as I approach him.

- How? How What shall I

- Just I don't know.

Ring around the rosy ♪

Pocket full of posies ♪

I feel like I'm in a

f*cking horror movie now.

- ♪ A tissue, a t ♪

- That's not helping.

Just do something else.

Hi, sweet girl. Hi. I paid for this.

Stay. Thank you.

Oh.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Go, go, go, go!

Okay.

- Go!

- Right, go, go, go, go, go.

- Yes! Yes! Worth it!

- Oh, my God. Yes! We got it! Yes!

- Oh, God.

- Yes!

- You want a weed gummy?

- Yes! Oh, yes, I do.

- Let's go.

- Thank you.

- Pretty okay fries, am I right?

- Mm-hmm. It's good.

So good. Mmm.

I forgot you get like

this when you're high.

I'm not that high.

- Not that high.

- Mmm.

So what's it like to be in a

healthy marriage? Is that cool?

- It's good.

- It's good?

- Mm-hmm.

- Charlie was always pretty perfect.

Mmm. He's great. And he

just he just gets happier.

- He's Just gets happier.

- Mm-hmm.

- That's a nightmare.

- It's like,

- this is really his moment, you know?

- This is his moment.

- Loves being a grown-up.

- He loves being a grown-up.

So good at being a dad.

He's good at being a dad.

I didn't understand that at all.

Mmm. He just makes it look easy and

You know, I kinda look like

a like a mess next to him.

You? It makes you look like a mess?

You?

Impossible.

No one in a napkin bib can

be a mess, by definition.

You've taken preventive measures.

- How are your, uh

- relations?

Hmm.

There is one thing about

the sex that's like

- Okay. There you go.

- Mm-hmm.

What is it? Good sex?

Bad sex? Not enough sex?

No. Just a little bit time-consuming.

- Time-consuming sex.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm.

- What are we talking about, time wise?

- Half an hour.

- Half an hour?

- Yeah, half an hour.

That's like Modern

Family with commercials.

If I lasted half an hour,

I would throw a parade.

It's too long. It really is too

long. Here's Exactly. Wrap it up.

- What are we doing here?

- Wrap it up.

I, uh Here's a little secret.

- I was with a lady once, and, uh

- Mmm.

- we were having sex. I was very drunk

- Mmm.

so I was not,

uh I couldn't finish.

She did this thing where she,

like, punched me in the back,

kind of in the lower back,

lower kidneys kind of.

And I don't know what it did. It, like,

flipped some jizz switch in my body,

and I came instantaneously.

- What?

- Yes.

- Is it Show me. Where is the button?

- The cum button?

This area right here. I think.

- Right in this area.

- All right.

Well, I don't I don't

want anything to happen.

- Oh, don't worry. That's disgusting.

- I don't care.

- This is a medical lesson.

- I don't want

Don't flatter yourself. Come on.

Now punch my cum button.

All right, I'm doing it. Okay.

There you go.

Except you hit my fart switch

instead of my cum button.

- Ooh, the fart switch?

- Oh, yeah.

They're right next door,

so you gotta be careful.

Um, all right. What do you wanna do now?

Let's get, uh Let's

go to Korean barbecue.

No. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going home.

What? Come on. I thought

you were in this with me.

- I am. I'm totally in this with you. I am.

- I'm so depressed. I need you. Don't go.

But I just have so many things

tomorrow and they all start so early.

Fair-weather friend. Mmm.

- Fair-weather friend?

- Yeah.

The minute I heard, I called you.

Ha. Wait, what?

I said the minute I heard about

you and Audrey, I got in touch.

- I ain't no fair-weather friend.

- Wait, that's why you got in touch?

Yeah, well, and I mean,

I got in touch to apologize

to you, which I did.

It was a pity call? You knew?

You knew we were divorced?

What's wrong with that, if it was?

I You're my friend,

I-I heard the news,

I got in touch, and I

was worried about you.

Okay.

Let's get into it, huh? Shall we?

We were friends and then you

threw that friendship away

because you didn't like the

woman that I was gonna marry.

And then you heard we

were getting divorced,

and you come back around

to do a f*cking victory lap.

My position remains unchanged.

She was terrible for you.

And look what happened.

I just I was in love,

and I just wanted you to

support me. That's all I wanted.

I was just being honest

because I love you.

And you didn't wanna hear

it, so you ditched me.

I didn't I ditched you 'cause

it's hard to be friends with someone

who you know hates your wife.

Isn't honesty what you want

from your closest friends?

- No! Not when it's bad.

- Andy didn't love Audrey,

but you didn't hold that against

him, did you? What's that about?

It's different with men

than it is with women.

- Men, they're they're He's a l

- Oh, f*ck off.

- They're more mellow about this sh*t.

- That's bullshit. That's s

Oh, that's ridiculous. And it's

f*cking bullshit, and it's insulting.

Sometimes the truth is

insulting. Men are more mellow.

- That doesn't make sense.

- Don't know what to say.

Yeah, men are really mellow.

You know who starts wars? Men.

You think George W. Bush

was really f*cking mellow

when he invaded Iraq?

Ever heard of Mary Queen of Scots?

Please tell me one thing

about Mary Queen of Scots.

Bloody Mary. That's what they call her.

And you don't get that

name by being mellow.

Margaret Thatcher, she

was a f*cking assh*le.

That Cara Delevingne, she

seems like a f*cking mess.

- Okay?

- Okay, see you later.

- See you later. Have a good one.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Keep it real.

- Okay.

And by the way, that sh*t,

that's from 20 years ago.

So is this.

Ooh, that's a good one.

- Bye. f*ck you.

- Yeah, f*ck you.

Oh, hello, sir. Thank you so much.

What do I even do now?

- Hi.

- Hi, baby.

How was it?

Oh, it was just the same old

sh*t with a bunch of drama.

- Mmm. You smell like french fries.

- Mmm.

Yeah, we went to Denny's.

- Oh.

- Mmm.

I missed you.

Mmm. Missed you too.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Ah. Let's take our time tonight.

Mmm.

Ow. What was that?

Aw, sorry. Sorry, it was

just an arm spasm. I'm sorry.

J-Jesus, you really got me there, champ.

- Sorry, I just

- Oh.

You good?

No, I I think the

moment kinda passed.

- Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

- Okay.

Okay.

- Sorry. Okay.

- It's okay.

- I got one in the post.

- It's okay.

Night.

Oh.

Back punch did not work, assh*le.

- You actually tried that?

- Of course I did.

I made that up.

- You're a liar.

- I am.

You're gonna pay for this.

You're gonna pay for this so hard.

Well, bring it on.

So, what are you doing now?

I'm bidding on Garbage

Pail Kids on eBay.

Did you get anything good?

I got an Adam Head in mint condition.

I'm kidding. I don't care.

What are you doing? Online shopping

for a fifth pair of high-waisted jeans?

f*ck off. And yes. How did you know?

Should we hang out again?

Sure, how about, like,

five years from now?

Cool. But Tuesdays are bad

'cause your mom comes over.

Thank you for capitalizing

her name. Very respectful.

She's a working dominatrix,

so she demands respect.

Nice try. My mom only goes

to duck ponds and church.

That actually sounds nice.

It is nice.