01x03 - Anxious Times at Clone High

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on
a very special Clone High.

Abe Lincoln was about
to profess his love

for Joan of Arc, but
JFK got there first.

Now, Joan and JFK
are hot and heavy,

while Abe's feelings for Joan

remain bottled up,
deep down inside.

They say, "Contents under
pressure may explode."

And pressure is Clone
High's middle name.

Don't believe me? Check
the birth certificate.

♪ Way, way back in the s ♪

♪ Secret government employees ♪

♪ Dug up famous
guys And ladies ♪

♪ Made amusing genetic copies ♪

♪ Then the clones'
genes Were frozen ♪

♪ Thawed out
decades later Why ♪

♪ Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪

♪ Giving high
school Another try ♪

♪ It's time to
watch Clone High ♪

♪ Clone High ♪

♪ Clone High ♪

Um, guys, guys,
hello? Uh, g*ng, hey,

you're on my notes, and my lap.

Harriet, sorry.

Mm, not sure how
we ended up here.

Did we roll
all the way from my car?

Way to go, us.

Maybe we should go make out
on that bench over there, hon,

the one where
everyone is studying.

Or by the tree over there,

where everyone is studying.

With all these dweebs studying,

you can't even tell who
the nerds are anymore.

Why is everyone so
anxious about a test?

Are you kidding me?
Pre-midterms are so important.

With grade inflation, an
A-minus is basically a B-plus

and a B-plus is a one-way
ticket to a B-minus life.

And if I'm not careful,

I could end up a
basic, normal wine mom,

who says things like, "Mama
needs her Chardonnay."

Oh, God!

Okay, you have to relax.

You know what keeps my
mind off stuff like that?

My boy-toy, JFK. No
stress, just fun.

That's what high
school's all about.

Speaking of fun, I got something

I wanna pull out.

- Um, not here, babe.
- This necklace.

- What?
- See, together,

your name plus my
name makes "JoanFK."

It's a work of art

that symbolizes the
unquestioned permanence

of high school relationships.

Uh...
JoanFK is so heavy.

What if, by
wearing this necklace,

I lose my individual identity
and get stuck in a relationship

where I never get
through a TV series

because we have to watch
every single episode together.

Then we start ordering
one dessert...

- Huh? Ah.
- and sharing it,

and I never get my own
molten lava cake again!

And you're humping my leg.

Sharing a name with JFK
doesn't seem like something

Joan would do.

And I should know,
being her best friend

and secretly in love with her.

JoanFK is better than
the other option, JFKoan.

It's just that I love Joan,
and I want her to be happy.

But if she's happy with JFK,

then she'll never
wanna be with me!

I'd just be standing by,

watching them have the best life

while I get older and
older, and older, all alone,

with those gross,
yellow fingernails

that need to be clipped,
and no one ever tells me!

Oh, geez. Frida!

Thankfully,
I'm hot enough

that I don't have to worry
about stuff like grades.

The only
pencil I need is this one.

It's empty!

Okay, don't panic,
just order more.

No! It's discontinued!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

What if my looks
don't last forever?

What if the woman I love
is happier with someone else?

What if
I never have a career,

and end up naming my
kids Drayden and Clayden?

Why did I
sign my name like that?

"JoanFK de Kennedarc"?
Who am I anymore?

I expected
a better response

from Joan for the necklace.

Is it too small? I
should've got a bigger one.

Phase two of "Operation
Spread Eagle"

where we manufacture
a mental health crisis

to see who breaks... has begun.

Yes. And can we all acknowledge
that my idea of pre-midterms

really got the
stress ball rolling?

It's pathetic when
you beg for credit.

In a good way?

Get cracking on
the end-of-the-week

super stressor.

The mandatory Broad
Daylight Swimsuit Dance.

I want the air-conditioning
turned way up

to make nipples an issue.

Isn't she something?

Her confident,
passionless voice.

The way her jaw
clicks when she talks

because she clearly
grinds her teeth

to the nub every night.

Clearly, you like women
like you like your coffee.

Ice cold and bitter.

And in a vacuum sealed thermos.

I want you to know,

we're making your
mental well-being

a priority during
this stressful week

of pre-midterms.

So, to help with anxiety,
I'd like to introduce

our mental health mascot.

A cute little guy to
chomp your anxieties away.

Say hello to the Heebie-Jeebie.
I eat your stress!

Gimme your stress!

I smell it on you.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Anxiety!

Oh, self, have I lost you?

I never thought I'd be
with a popular himbo,

but now I don't know where
I end and JFK begins.
What's happening?

I have a splitting headache!

Now, that's better!

Oh, Abe, it's just you.

Hey, can I ask you
for some advice?

Of course, you can!

Supportive friend
at your service.

If I wear this necklace,

I'm worried I might
be losing myself.

What do you think?

What do I think?

I think the necklace is
amazing, are you kidding me?

That's just facts.
But I can't say that.

If I tell her I
like the necklace,

I may never have another
sh*t at being her boyfriend.

I think you've changed.

The Joan I used to know would
never wear that necklace,

and would definitely keep
her options open dating wise.

Woah, that feels good just
to let that out there.

Really? I guess I have
compromised myself.

Maybe I should give
the necklace back.

"JFK, we need to talk."

Thanks for
looking out for me.

It's good to have such
a supportive friend

with no ulterior agenda.

Yeah, absolutely
no ulterior agenda.

That... that was, uh,
supportive, right?

Have a stress ball!

Ow!

Oh, hi there, buddy.

Wow, this is so...

Oh, look, Joanie just texted me.

"We need to talk."

Sorry about that break up, Jafe.

It was fun while it
lasted though, right?

Break up? No, she wants to talk!

That's code for
mouth sex, right?

Joan wants to break up with me?

But she's the only
girl I ever loved!

Something's happening
in my body? I'm all wet!

There's like a tiny
drum in my chest.

That's just stress,
bro. Or a heart att*ck.

- But probably stress.
- But I, uh, uh,

never felt stressed before!
Oh, God, I can't lose Joan!

I can't be the first Kennedy
to have a relationship fail!

I got it. Easy solution.

Avoid Joan, so she
can’t break up with you.

I know where we can hide.

I run away from, like,
percent of my problems.

Was JFK here?

I thought I heard him.

Am I going crazy?

Where... where is he?

-Is it hot
in here? Why am I sweating so much?

Oh, geez.

- Stress!
Have you seen it out there?
The clones are super stressed!

Only the strongest
will be left standing.

Your passion is contagious.

Shall we discuss
our other passions?

Or other contagions?

No time. I have to
release m*rder hornets

into the Chem lab.
- Oh, Mr. B.

Why does she not see my allure?

Just throwing it out
there, but maybe realize,

she has no sexual
interest in you

and move on.

Oh, pish-posh!

I just need to
change my approach.

As we know, no woman can
resist a pitiful man.

At my Papa's funeral, I was
crying like a little baby.

So the beautiful
mortician, Moira,

took me out for ‘tato
skins, and then some.

Oh, how I wish my
father would die again!

Wait, that gives me
a brilliant idea!

Mr. B, get my murse.
We have shopping to do.

Please be empty,
please be empty!

Oh, good thing girls don't poop,

so I can take a big old
stress deuce in peace.

Ah, the most relaxing
place in the world.

Wonder if Joan gave
that necklace back.

I hope so. Am I a
terrible friend?

But if I'm a good friend,
I lose Joan.

This is stressing me out!

Hello? Who's there?

I... I...
I mean, hello, I'm a girl.

Stress!

It tried to eat me in
the girls' bathroom!

Uh. Don't ask me how I know.

But if you did ask
me, I'd tell you

it's because I was
pooping in there.

Abe, come on, just
use your common sense,

which was also the
name of a pamphlet

written by Thomas Paine
in ... No, no,

. Oh. I'm
gonna fail pre-midterms,

and manage a carpet store!

Shh! He feeds off stress!

My eye! Without my
liner, it's like,

I only have one,
albeit gorgeous, eye.
- I'm a Cleoclops!

Shh!

Topher, bud.

Oh, there's a monster
terrorizing the school!

Please, keep your voice down.

This is my emotional
support possum, Lucifer.

It gives you little bites

when it feels you
getting anxious

which actually makes
you more anxious.

Oh, no, no...

No, no!

No fib, that simp just got took.

Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, God, I have to warn Joan.

We are hiding here, but,
uh, there's so much wood.

Wood.

Let's get to hammering.

Hammer, tool, screw.
Oh, my gosh. I love this place.

Drill, nail! I'm gonna nail ya

with my nail g*n
that's in my pants.

No, don't put it in your pants.

Candide, have you met my
adorable bunny, Biscuit,

that I have had since I was
a strapping, young toddler?

Here are photos of us
together to prove this.

I hate warm-blooded animals.

Have you made the flyers

for the Broad Daylight
Swimsuit Dance yet?

No, I have not.

Perhaps we could
hire a body-shamer

to pick apart the
clones' bodies.

Hmm. Maybe my
mother is available.

Speaking of shame, I would
be absolutely crushed

if anything happened
to this rabbit

that I have loved for so long,
as you can tell in the photos.

Get on the flyers.

This is rich. While she's out,

I'll sneak Biscuit
into her office,

and let the reptiles
tear her apart.

Tear you apart? Yes, they will.

Candide will see how
sad and pathetic I am,

and she will take me out
for a night of romance,

and light necking.

Sometimes it's hard
to root for you.

Joan, hey, um,

- you don't look so good.
- I know, I'm a mess.

I was trying to give the
necklace back to JFK,

but I can't find him
and now I'm worried

about hurting his feelings,
and it's really...

- - JOAN OF
ARC: stressing me out.

No, don't stress.

Remember, giving back
that hideous necklace

is going to make you
feel more like yourself.

We're just gonna take
the stress away, right?

You got it. Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

Why
don't you relax,

- go get something to eat?
- I already ate!

Go find JFK!

Good, he's gone.

I hope sending
Joan to JFK was a good move.

Stress!
- I'm not stressed.

Oh, uh, oh, really?

Teach me.

Oh, the three parts of the atom.

Uh, the Driver, the
Levine and the Sandler.

What? Oh, my God, Harriet...

get your head

out of the trades.

Wait, why am I wearing yoga
pants out of the house?

♪ (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Family......of six?

Dear God, in this economy?

I should just swing by Target

and pick up some of
those Edison bulbs.

Oh, wow! Why would I say
that? It's gonna be okay.

But first, coffee.
No, it's rosé all day.

Oh, my God! Go... No!
Wow! What am I saying?

These are
actually pretty cozy.

Thank God,
that was just a dream.

Oh, it's late. I should
probably go home.

Great, the battery's dead.

- Is anyone there?
Harriet, calm down, you're
just imagining things.

Oh, please, please, please.

This was a
terrible place to study!

You're right. A good
soak is truly relaxing.

I can let my troubles go,
and a little bit of pee.

- It's all love in the tub, man.
- How do you stay so chill?

I mean, you got pre-midterms
like the rest of us,

and you gotta live up to one
of the coolest artists ever.

I just channel my anxiety into
something more productive.

You know, like, murals
for sick children.
- That sounds easy for you,

but what about me?

Excuse me,
I had a weird lunch.

Oh...
it's just a bath toy.

Wait, that's not my bath toy.

- This is not whizz.
- I think we lost him.

Now, all we have to
do is stay calm...

Where do you think
you're going, unibrow?

Shred, Frida, shred!

Look, it's the totally
dark and abandoned school.

Oh, thank God.

We'll be safe in there.

Oh, someone's getting eaten!

I can't hear you.

La, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la.

We are still dating!
La, la, la, la, la.

If she breaks up with you,
but you can't hear her,

it does not count.

Just let me talk to you.

Just please let me
talk to you. I just...

Just... just... just,
please, let me talk.

Wait, it's just you guys.

Oh, we thought the
Heebie-Jeebie was attacking.

The Heebie-Jeebie
is just a mascot.

It's not like it's evil.

The Heebie-Jeebie is
not just a mascot.

- It's like it's evil.
Cleo's a zombie!

You're a zombie,
you balding loser.

I found this cool charcoal
in the supply closet.

Do you guys like my smoky eye?

Shh! You hear that?

Any minute now, we'll
hear the sweet screams

of Biscuit's demise.

Ah, the taste of bunny blood.

Wait, that's not bunny.
This blood is cold!

Biscuit!

No! My babies!

I'll get a trash bag.

I'm guessing these
won't flush well.

The Heebie-Jeebie is
attracted to anxiety.

It can't find us
if we're relaxed.

We have to chill.

My unibrow's twitching.

Frida's brow is the canary in
the coal mine. We're doomed!

Oh, here, let's use
my weighted blanket,

it'll calm us.

Oh, my gosh.

All the nervous BO is,
like, suffocating me.

- He's gonna find us.
- I said quiet down. Shh!

Take me,
Heebie-Jeebie, I'm done!

Since Joan's
breaking up with me,

I don't wanna live.
- No! Don't take JFK!

Take me!

- No.
Don't take Joan, take me.

- Okay.
Does someone wanna step forward

and sacrifice
themselves for me now?

Joan, I'm sorry,

I've been a terrible friend!

Stop it, you dumb Heebie-Jeebie!

You shouldn't k*ll people
just 'cause they're anxious.

Abe, you're a great friend,
and JFK's a great boyfriend.

And yeah, I lied to him
about liking the necklace.

But who cares?

It was only to
protect his feelings.

That doesn't mean I should die.

Joan weakened the Heebie-Jeebie
by talking about her stress.

And then punching it in
the face. Let's all try!

- I'm afraid of having a perfectly happy,

idyllic, suburban, but
ultimately ordinary life!

I'm afraid if my eyes don't pop,
I'll never be a trophy wife!

I try so hard to go
viral, but the only thing

I really want to infect people with...

is friendship.

I'm afraid

people don't think I care...

because I'm so chill, but...

...I'm so chill,
I kind of don't care!

I don't care for mustard!

Stress!

Also, I'm worried Joan
is the love of my life,

and I'm not good enough for her.

I have already revealed
a lot, but just in case,

I'm afraid no one
will ever love me.

Especially, not the person
I'm secretly in love with,

- and her name is...
- Stop!

-OMG!

It's iconic actor and
mental health advocate

Ian Ziering, of
all six Sharknados.

What are you doing here?

Oh, when my agent called

and said, "Do you wanna scare
the crap out of some kids?"

I was like, "Maybe
this is my chance

to make a real difference

in the mental health
of America's teens."

But I realized I was
doing more harm than good,

and I was about
to stop doing it.

But then, you guys
started yelling out

all your greatest
fears, and I realized,

I was doing the right
thing all along.

So, thank you.

No, thank you, Ian Ziering.
It felt really good

to get all that
anxiety off my chest,

and to kick you in the wiener.

Also, can I get a pic
of you for the Gram?

That's what I call my grandma.

But wait, what
happened to the clones

that I saw you take
away, like Topher?

I just took him
to a reputable spa

for some rest and
relaxation, chill.

You've taught us all another
amazing lesson, Mr. Ziering.

Let's go celebrate
defeating anxiety

at the Broad Daylight
Swimsuit Dance.

God, it feels good to be
back in fake high school.

Pre-midterms are over.

No more stress till post
midterm, pre-finals.

I'm not gonna stress
over midterms anymore.

I know I'm not going
to be a wine mom

because I'm gonna
make it in Hollywood.

Hollywood is all
about who you know.

And I know Ian Ziering.

And his phone number is...

And I found a bunch
of expired packages

of my fave eyeliner
on Russian eBay.

Again, I am so sorry

about what happened
with Biscuit.

No time for mourning. It's
a bunny-eat-lizard world.

Besides, we have to focus
on "Operation Spread Eagle,"

and the clones we
sent to the "spa."

Shall we see if they
are performing properly?
- That was so cool! Wow!

Would you like to celebrate
your excellent work

with some patatas
bravas by candlelight?

Ugh! I find you pitiful.

Yes! Mission accomplished!

I may have lost my only
chance of breaking them up,

but I know I did
the right thing,

- because she looks really happy.
- Damn.

It's like she took a relaxative.

I'm glad we got
our anxieties out.

So my art can be
back to normal again.

Uh, love it!