03x10 - Christmas Story

[bunniefuu]

[SIGHS]

Fish?

There's brown stuff
coming down the air shaft.

That's snow.

Right.

Wojo hasn't checked in yet, huh?

No.

God, Barney, how
many Christmas Eves

have we spent together?

More than I care to remember.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, I don't mean,
uh... I mean, uh...

And then, before I
know what is happening,

he takes my purse and
runs off into the alley.

It was very frightening.

Let me, uh, just get some
details, Ms. Murakami,

and, uh, then we'll see
what we can do, huh?

That would be most appreciated.

Um, and what was
inside the purse?

Well, all my cosmetics,
personal belongings,

an appointment book,

my wallet with my money.

And how much was that?

Two hundred and fifty dollars.

That's a good deal
of cash to be carrying.

Thank you.

HARRIS: Um, where did you say

this incident occurred?

I was standing on the corner
of th Street and Broadway.

That's a pretty rough
area, Ms. Murakami.

I mean, it's not a smart idea

to be walking the
streets alone at night.

I will try and
remember that, officer.

Heh-heh. Uh, let's see.

Now, you were
just standing there?

Yes.

Were you, uh,
waiting for somebody?

Uh, uh-huh.

Anybody in particular?

You got something
on your mind, turkey?

Hey, look, I mean, take it easy.

I mean, I don't enjoy
working on Christmas

anymore than you do.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Merry Christmas.

Hey, Wojo. Hey,
Fish, it's snowin' out.

[CHUCKLES] Get away from me!

Merry Christmas, Barn.

Well, I'm glad you made
it in time for the festivities.

Oh, yeah, I guess I'm late.

There's so many
people out there.

Wojo, I don't wanna
hear any more excuses.

I'd just like you here on time.

Yeah, I just had to stop
and get this wrapped.

Merry Christmas, Barn.

I thought, uh... I
thought we all agreed

we weren't exchanging
presents this year.

I didn't agree.

[CHUCKLES]

I didn't get anything for you.

That's okay. Come on.

Bah, humbug.

Harris, Harris. HARRIS: Yeah?

Um, merry Christmas.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hey, man, I mean, I
thought we decided

there'd be no
exchanging this year.

Wojo is acting unilaterally.

[CHUCKLES] Thanks.

Where's the Christmas tree?

I thought we were
gonna have a tree.

Nick went out to get it.

Merry Christmas, Fish.

Who told you to do that?

Nobody. All
right? I-I wanted to.

How'd you like
me to walk in here

and give you a present?

It ain't... It... It...

It isn't necessary for you

to give me a present, Fish.

Sure, always
thinking of yourself.

Hey, guys, I got it.

[ALL GROANING]

It's blue.

It's beautiful, ain't it?

Where will we put it?

In the garbage.

Barn, look what he got.

It's a tree.

It's hideous.

Wait till I it decorated.

Christmas trees are
supposed to be green.

Blue. It's... It's sacrilegious.

Wojo, sacrilegious is in
the eye of the beholder.

One man's hideous is
another man's beautiful.

Very well-phrased.

Okay.

Blue?

HARRIS: Uh, yeah, okay.

We'll be right over.

Uh, Ms. Murakami, take your time

and, uh, look those
over very carefully.

If you recognize anybody,
make a note, okay?

Uh, Barney, the, uh,
Salvation Army just called.

They, um... The Santa
Claus that they got in front of

Siegel's Department
Store just got ripped off.

Oh, how Christmas-y.

Yeah.

Uh, take Fish with you.

Okay, Barn.

Hey, Fish? FISH: Yeah?

Come on. We got
a... We got a hold up.

Sure, why not?

You know, just think of that.

I mean, you know, somebody
actually mugging a Santa Claus.

Yeah?

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

Recognize anyone?

Oh, it's hard to tell.

Everyone looks so much alike.

I know what you mean.

I'm Japanese too.

I'm Sergeant, uh, Nick Yemana.

Oh. Dorothy Murakami.

I'm a cop.

I admire you people very much.

Well, it's dirty work, but
somebody's gotta to do it.

Nick, we're out of coffee.

Later.

Well, there's no one here.

Are there any other pictures
you want me to see, huh?

There's a double feature
playing at the Toho.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I mean, is there any
other thing to do?

Well, I guess not.

Uh, we'll put out an APB and...

And we'll do the
best we can, okay?

Thank you. Oh, uh...

Uh, I get off at : .

Uh, maybe you'd care
to have a couple of drinks

or a bite to eat?

I don't know.

You know, uh, it's nice
to be among your own

on a holiday.

Um, what time did
you say you got off?

Uh, . Where do you live?

Uh, I'll come back here.

Great. Be careful going
through the streets.

See you later, John.

It's Nick.

All right, inside.

A child could do it.

A snap to assemble.
Easy-to-follow directions.

Lies, all lies.

Settle down, Mr. Craig.

This our mugger?

No, this is a new crime.

Wonderful.

We talked to Santa Claus.

And a guy walked up to him
when nobody was around,

pulled out a g*n and made
him empty his pot into a sack.

And Mr. Craig here?

While we were standing
there, there was this crash

on the other end
of the building.

Yeah. He, uh...

He threw this through
a display window.

What is it? [SIGHS]

A Zoom-A-Go-Round.

I bought it at Siegel's.

It won't go together!

All right, take it
easy, take it easy.

Take it easy.

You see, Barney, uh,

Mr. Craig had gone
back to the store

to try to get some help,

but, uh, unfortunately,
they had just closed.

I could see them in there,
but they wouldn't let me in.

So you, uh, threw it
through the window?

I was just returning it.

It decapitated a mannequin.

It was quite a
grisly scene, Barn.

Seeing it's Christmas,

Siegel's has decided
to press charges.

Aha. Good. I was afraid
they would get maudlin on us.

HARRIS: Okay,
Mr. Craig, let's go.

Merry Xmas and a ho-ho-ho.

Hi, Barney. Hi, fellas.

How are you, inspector?
What brings you around?

Ah, no reason special, Barney.

Just wanted to drop by

to wish you and yours

a most joyous and
prosperous holiday season.

Same to you, inspector.

Listen, Barney, I got
a little something here.

Inspector, please,
you didn't have to.

No, this is for me. Oh.

Yeah, a little token
of appreciation

from one of our
generous merchants.

I see.

Yeah. Lousy half-pint.

Can you imagine the cheap?

Back in the old days,

when I was poundin' a b*at
on th Avenue, you know,

every Christmas you was good
for a turkey from the butcher,

some dried fruits
from the grocer...

Times change, inspector.

Oh, they certainly do, Barney.

Now, you take your
th Avenue today.

Both sides lined
with p*rn palaces

and massage parlors, huh?

That stuff's hard to wrap.

[CHUCKLES]

I, uh... I thought
maybe you and me...

You got a few minutes?

Maybe you and me could
have a little, uh, talk together.

Uh, inspector, as
a matter of fact,

I got a couple of reports, uh...

I just gotta get 'em out.

They're sitting on
my desk in my office.

In the office. Right.

Gotcha, Barney.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, okay, Mr. Craig,
we're gonna have to, uh,

put you in the cage
until I check you out.

Come on.

You gotta be a rocket scientist
to put one of those together.

Come on. These
things aren't that bad.

Talk is cheap.

I don't wanna be disturbed,

unless it's
something very trivial.

All right, where
are the directions?

Here.

They're in Japanese.

[WHISTLING "JINGLE BELLS"]

So I suppose you got big
plans for tomorrow, huh, Barney?

No. Nothing special.

Just, uh, spend the day at home

with Liz and the kids.

Ah. Yeah, well, I...
Yeah, I'll be home too.

Guess I'll just, you know,

wrench out a few things,
watch the game on TV.

Clean my revolver.

Sounds nice.

I'll heat up a cup of Ovaltine,

and heat up some
fish sticks for myself.

Sit back in front of the TV.

Got a DuMont.

Oh, what the heck.
You know, Christmas...

Christmas: I always say
it's for the kids, right, Barney?

Absolutely.
Yeah. Well, I... I...

Course I never had any...
Any kids. But you know that.

You know, on account of you
know that I never got married. Heh.

You've been keeping
from us, inspector.

Huh? [CHUCKLES]

What?

What, that red-headed cashier?

She was just talkin'
out of spite, Barney.

Ah, w-w-we hardly
even shook hands.

Color?

Huh?

You got color TV?

Yeah.

I thought so.

Tsk.

♪ Noel, Noel ♪

Uh, ex the interruption.

Thank you. Uh,
excuse me, inspector.

A... A little, uh...
Uh, just be...

Oh, sure, Barn.

What's happening?

Another Santa Claus
just got ripped off.

Wonderful. Where this time?

Klein's Department Store.

The Salvation Army's
gettin' real nasty.

Barn, last year they were
doin' that up in the Bronx,

and they sent out cops
dressed as, uh, Santa Clauses.

All right, why not?

Any, uh, stores open late?

HARRIS: Uh, yeah,
Blaine's is open to .

Okay, let's set up
in front of Blaine's.

I can't wear
red. I really can't.

No, let's get somebody

who looks a little
more believable.

Somebody who'll make
an appealing target,

somebody the right
age, the right build... Fish.

I'm going to the bathroom.

You can't stay
in there all night.

It's worth a try.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, guys. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

What's in the bag?

Presents. Take one.

Very thoughtful of you.

Well, I was passing
that all-night drugstore,

you know, and I
figured, why not?

Merry Christmas.

Some literature for
the thinking man.

Tree House of Desire.

A classic.

Hey, merry Christmas, Nick.

Oh. Ooh. Huh.

Hey, you got the razor!

[CHUCKLES]

Wanna trade?

Merry Christmas, Wojo.

Thanks, Harris, but, uh,

you didn't have to
get me a present

just 'cause I got you a present.

That wasn't it.

Sure it was.

No.

Yes.

Look, merry Christmas, will you?

Merry Christmas.

LUGER: ♪ A-dashing
through the snow ♪

HARRIS: Inspector,
merry Christmas.

For me? Heh. Oh, hey.

Yeah, it's a... It's a
traveling toothbrush,

in case you go
away for the weekend

or something like
that. Oh, yeah.

Oh, gee, thanks, Harris.

Yeah. Merry
Christmas. Merry Xmas.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Harris, uh, you got

any of that cologne
that you use around?

Uh, yeah, sure.
Got it in my locker.

Help yourself.

Thanks.

Hey, Nick, come on,
man, tell me what's up.

Something has to be up?

I mean, uh, you're
not the only one

that takes pride
in his appearance.

Uh, do these pencils
go with this shirt?

Thanks.

HARRIS: Hey, uh, Wojo? Yeah?

What's with...?
What's with Nick?

You know, with the cologne,
the shirt and the pencils?

He's got a date tonight.

HARRIS: Oh, yeah?

Yeah, with that,
uh, Japanese lady.

You were interviewin' her.

Oh, the hooker. Heh.

Hooker?

I thought she was
a mugging victim?

She's both.

I'll bet you anything,
Nick doesn't know that.

So?

Well, don't you think
we ought to tell him

b-before he does anything?

Before he does anything,
she's gonna tell him.

I, uh, checked Mr. Craig out,

and, uh, he had
no priors. Uh-huh.

And, um, the manager at
Siegel's Department Store

said that they would drop the
charges of breaking and entering

if Mr. Craig would just
pay for a new window.

Oh, okay.

Forget it!

Hey, man, pay the man the $ .

Let 'em glue the old
one back together.

All right.

Make out a desk
appearance ticket.

Okay, Barney.

Hey, what's a desk
appearance ticket?

It means you're
gonna be released

with a date and a
time to appear in court.

You wanna go to court,
you're gonna go to court.

There is a principle
involved here!

I hope so, for your sake.

Harris.

[MOUTHS] Oh, no. Shh.

Okay, Mr. Craig,
it looks like, uh,

you're gonna be spending
Christmas with your family.

CRAIG: Yeah.

Here you go.

Thanks. WOJO: Okay, Here we go.

Whoopy, whoopy, whoopy.

Hey, you got it.

It's just like it's
supposed to be.

[SIGHS] No problem.

CRAIG: I really
appreciate what you did.

Well, I hope the kids enjoy it.

Hey, listen, merry
Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas. Same to you.

Uh, you think you'll have
any trouble getting, uh...?

Gettin' that home?

Oh, no problem.
I don't live far.

Uh, I'll, uh, get
the door for you.

[GRUNTS]

It won't go through the door.

Uh, I'm afraid you're
gonna have to take

some of that apart, Mr. Craig.

Oh, my God.

This is a nightmare!

[SOBS] Oh, my God.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Uh, Mr. Craig,
could you move that

out of the doorway
here, please, so we can...

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, Wojo.

Yeah?

You like my hair this way?

Yeah, uh, it looks nice, Nick.

Yeah. Thanks.

FISH: All right, inside.
This is entrapment.

What are you guys trying to do?

Yeah, what do we got
here? Joseph Conti.

He pulled a g*n on me
and grabbed for the pot.

Sit down.

Hey, what are you doin'?

I mean, cops dressed
up like Santa Claus?

Ain't nothing sacred no more?

Sacred? You tried
to rob the man.

Well, I knew he
wasn't the real one.

Sit down!

You get off at, uh,
? Is that right?

Yep.

I gotta work until .

[CHUCKLES] Too bad.

She's a hooker, Nick.

What?

That, uh, lady
you got a date with.

Harris took her
statement. He told me.

[SIGHS]

I mean, I can't figure out
what she wants with you.

You know? She
knows you're a cop.

Maybe she liked me.

You gotta consider
all the possibilities.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, right.

I mean, uh, I appeal to a
lot of people besides cops.

All right. Um, I just
figured, you know,

you'd wanna know, you know?

[SIGHS]

I mean, Christmas
is for givin', ain't it?

Certainly.

And so why don't you
give me a break, will you?

Somehow your story
doesn't touch me.

Yeah, sure, because you're cops.

With your badges and your
g*ns and pushin' people around.

BARNEY: Fish,
put him in the cage.

All right, let's go, kid.

Right in there.

I hope I'm not early.

No.

Should we go now?

Yeah, sure.

If you'd rather
not, I understand.

Well, if you'd rather
not, I understand too.

Look, I just thought
that you were a nice guy

with a sense of
humor and kind of cute.

Well, I can't add
anything to that.

I can't, uh, stay out late.

I'm tired.

Me too.

Uh, I gotta work tomorrow.

Me too.

Well, uh,

as of now, I'm
officially off duty.

As of now, me too.

Well, : .

Merry Christmas, Barn.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

CRAIG: Very funny.

LUGER: I found 'em, Barn

They slipped down behind
the sofa cushion, you know?

Well, I guess it's time to be
hittin' the road, huh? Heh-heh.

But first, might I, uh, wish
a very merry Christmas

to the men of goodwill
of the th Precinct.

Merry Christmas,
inspector. Have a good one.

BARNEY: Inspector.

Huh?

Well, I've been thinking, uh...

You're gonna be home,

we're gonna be home, I'm sure...

Liz and I would love to
have you for Christmas.

Huh? Ha-ha.

Oh, I never expected
anything like...

Uh, Barney, no. Ha-ha.

I gotta check my
calendar appointment...

Well, I'm sure there nothing
so important I can't put it off.

Okay, well... Thanks, Barney.

Glad you can make it. Thank you.

Uh, I'll ride with you, see?

With this lousy weather...

That's tomorrow morning.

BOTH: Tomorrow morning.

Bright and early.

Barney?

Noel.

Softy.

♪ O little town of Bethlehem ♪

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Merry Christmas, Barney.

What's this?

I stopped in the
store on my way back.

Wojo.

Thanks, Fish. Heh.

Harris.

Hey, thanks. Heh.

I seem to be the only one

who didn't get
anything for anybody.

That's okay.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

[SIGHS]

Because I thought we agreed

that we weren't
gonna be exchanging...

Hey, Barney, it's
okay. Forget it, Barn.

ALL: Don't worry about it.

Thanks.

Hey, Barney.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]