03x11 - Hash

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Fish. Yeah.

Uh, there's a bankruptcy
sale on this afternoon.

You wanna buy a cemetery plot?

I got better things
to do with my money.

It might not be a
bad investment.

You might be able to rent
it out until you needed it.

Definitely not.

I'm planning on donating
my body to medical science.

If they'll take it.

Good morning. Good
morning, Barney.

Good morning. How's the coffee?

Thick.

Try mixing in some hot water.

I did. That's what
made it thick.

Morning, Fish. FISH: Morning.

YEMANA: Hi, Woj. BARNEY:
Good morning, Wojo.

Hi, Nick.

Hey, uh, Barn,

you wanna guess
what's in the box?

Is it bigger than a shoebox?

No. Couldn't be.

Then I give up.

Those aren't shoes, are they?

Come on, Barn. They're brownies.

Oh.

Gloria made 'em.

Gloria?

Yeah, uh, this girl I met.

She lives right down the street.

She, uh... She gets
turned on by police officers.

Go ahead, uh, try one.

They're... They're good.

They... They look wonderful,

but, uh, I gotta
watch my weight.

Ah, you too, huh?

Little spare tire? Heh-heh-heh.

I don't know that I would
describe it that way, no.

Gloria calls 'em "love handles."

[CHUCKLES]

But you'd like her, Barn.

She paints.

Oh, and plays the flute.

And... And since
I met her, she...

She ain't been hangin' around
the police station anymore.

Good. Good.

Hey, uh, Nick. Yeah.

Want a homemade brownie?

Did you make 'em?

No.

Okay.

Hey, Harris. Harris,
you want a brownie?

Uh, no. No thanks, man.

Gotta watch the love handles.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, guys. Got your mail.

Okay.

Morning, sir.

Oh, good morning, uh, Levitt.

Here's your mail, sir.

Oh, thank you.

And a copy of my service record.

Thought you might
want to take a look at it.

Makes pretty good reading.

Uh, soon as I get a chance.

You'll find many
examples of initiative,

dedication to duty
and loyalty, sir.

Loyalty? Courage
is also indicated.

Good.

What you won't
find, sir, is height.

There's not a lot
of height in there.

Well, shortness is a
result of parentage,

of which my mother and father
were both very good examples:

foot and foot .

Dad liked tall
women. Heh-heh-heh.

[CHUCKLES]

So I have humor, but no height.

Levitt, I admire your spirit
but there are a lot of factors

that have to be taken
into consideration

when choosing a detective.

Religion. Huh?

I believe there's a God. Good.

I ain't crazy about the
way he does things...

Levitt, believe me,
I got you in mind,

but these things take time.

Yes, sir. I'll be on
duty till : , sir.

Makin' it tough.

Barney. Hm?

There's a disturbance
over at Washington Square.

A couple of guys are
having a duel with sabers.

Sabers? You mean sabers?

That's what they said.

[SCOFFS]

Uh, Harris?

Yeah. You wanna go with Nick?

Okay, Barn.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SCOFFS]

Hm.

Hey, uh, Harris.

Where...? Where'd you hear
that expression, "love handles"?

Round the neighborhood.

Coming, Nick?

[♪♪♪]

Hi. Hi.

Help you? Yeah.

You got a detective up
here named Phil Fish?

Right here.

Hey. Phillip K. Fish?

That's right. That's me.

Hey, Fish.

Hey.

Frank Slater.

We went through the
academy together, remember?

Oh, Slater.

Yeah, sure I
remember. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, that had to be,
what, years ago, huh?

Yeah, yeah. How you doing?

Great, great. Uh, I was
out in Queens for a while

with the ,

but when they started
with all that layoff business,

the department sent
me down here on TDY.

Well, uh... Uh, no kiddin'.

[MEN SHOUTING]

Just keep it calm,
will you please?

Just keep it down.
Hold it, hold it down!

What's going on here?

[SPEAKING IN POLISH]

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Uh, Barn, that's Polish.

Really?

Would you mind?

[SPEAKING IN POLISH]

Quiet. Quiet. Quiet!

[SPEAKING IN POLISH]

[SPEAKING IN POLISH]

Uh, he says this
man insulted him.

[SPEAKING IN POLISH]

Uh, he said he deserved it.

Something about the theater.

Yeah, I'm an
actor in the theater.

Oh, he says he's an
actor in the theatre.

I heard him.

Oh, uh, right.

[CHUCKLES]

And, uh, I am a drama critic.

I write for Polish newspaper.

Ah, natural enemies.

That man att*cked me
publicly in the newspaper.

Every Polish-speaking
person in New York

will read that slander.

I att*cked your performance.

And it was dreadful.

Okay. All right.

You've had about enough of that.

Uh, Harris, would
you take Mr., uh...?

Makowski.

Mr. Makowski with you,

and, uh, Yemana? YEMANA: Yeah.

You'll take Mr., uh...?

Psczola.

With you. We'll, uh,

get all the pertinent
details here.

You two gentlemen
cool down a little, please.

No more insults.

So you been doin'
great, huh, Phil?

Detective sergeant.

I'm proud of you, Phil.

Hey, uh... Hey,
tell me something.

Are you still married
to Bernice Gruber?

Oh, yes.

What a woman.

Boy, there was a time...

Well, listen, the best man won.

I beg your pardon?

Name?

Psczola.

Zbigniew Psczola.

You spell it like it sounds.

P-S-C-Z-O-L-A.

Write your number
down on a piece of paper.

I wanna give her a call.

Maybe I'll take you
both out to lunch today?

Well, we don't go to
lunch together very often.

Breakfast and
dinner seems plenty.

Are you, uh...?

Are you an American citizen?

Not yet.

Oh, I... I was very
famous in Poland,

but I must leave
it three years ago.

I see.

You people in
America, you don't know

what it means to be oppressed.

How long you say
you've been here?

Oh, what a dancer she was.

Remember the old
Glen Island Casino?

Glenn Miller wailing it
out there. Artie Shaw.

Oh, she used to have a way
of just fitting you, you know?

Well, look, I, uh...

I better get back
downstairs, Phil.

What do you say we
talk again soon, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure.

See you, lucky.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

We'll take care of it.

Bye.

Hey, Barn?

BARNEY: Yeah?

Got a burglary suspect.

Woman came home and
found this guy in her apartment.

Where?

In the bedroom.

What address?

Oh.

Here.

... West th
Street... West th Street.

He... She went out the window,
went right across the ledge

and up the wall
and onto the roof.

Uh, all right.

Fish, go with him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, uh, take care
running around up there.

Oh, don't worry about him.

You better take
a couple of cars.

Yeah, no problem, Barn.

Oh, thank you.

Quick energy.

Makes it easy to get
the jump on the bad guy.

You know, he was
once a fine actor

with Polish National
Theater, but now...

You want a brownie?

No. I want to go away from here.

They're pretty good. Look.

See, you dunk 'em, and
they get nice and mushy.

Thank you.

Good word, mushy.

Mushy. Mushy. Mushy.

The play was The
Sacred Bird of Crakow.

Do you know it?

I don't think so, man. Come on.

Oh, it was... It was beautiful.

I am the star, and the
audience, they just worship me.

And he?

What does he say here:

"Janusz Makowski" That's me.

"Janusz Makowski plays his role

like a howling jackass."

That's heavy man. Heavy.

"A howling
jackass," he calls me.

I apologize to the jackasses.

[LAUGHS]

I don't think this is funny.

[CELL DOOR CLOSES] Funny.

Funny bone. Funny
bone. Funny bone.

What's happening, baby?

♪ And the music of life ♪

♪ Seems to be ♪

♪ Like a bell ♪

♪ That is ringing ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ And from the way ♪

♪ That I feel ♪

♪ When the bell Starts to peal ♪

Nick, you all right?

Barney. Barney.

Barney.

Is your mother from Killarney?

Hey, uh, Barn, I
think he's stoned.

Stoned? What are
you talking about?

Hey, what do you say we
guys go down to the beach

and sh**t some clams?

How many of these
things have you had?

Mushy, mushy.

Harris, I think there...

I think there's
something in these things.

Have you had any?

Mm-hm.

Wojo!

Ah, ha, he's out, Barn.

I mean, he and
Fish, or Fish and he.

You think you
can still function?

Hey, sharp as a tack.

All right.

Get these things, have
them analyzed, fast.

Nick.

Not that way!

I think they've got
hash in them, Barn.

Hash?

Ha, from the way that I feel.

YEMANA: ♪ And the
bell Starts to peal ♪

[OFF-KEY] ♪ It's almost ♪

♪ Like being in love ♪

Okay. Yeah. All right.

How's Nick?

I like him.

And you? How do you feel?

Hey, never felt better.

I mean, not that I can remember.

You think Nick
can work? Oh, sure.

I mean, nothing too
complicated, but he can work.

Complicated?

Dialing the phone.

[PHONE RINGS]

[CHUCKLES]

Speak of the devil.

Twelfth Precinct.
Captain Miller speaking.

Yeah?

Right.

Yeah, I thought so. Thank you.

You were right. That's the lab.

Laced with hashish.

And I made a pig of myself.

Anybody seen my legs?

Nick, I want you to go home.

They're about that long.

All right. All right.

Ten toes.

One's busted.

You think you're straight
enough to take him home?

Not to worry.

Yeah, it looks like this.

Okay, come on. Come on.

Take him home.

Two of you, stay home
until you feel better.

Okay, Barn, I'll stay.

But I ain't never
gonna feel no better.

Listen,

better not drive
a car. Take a bus.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Barn, if I
can't drive a car...

[CHUCKLES]

I better not drive a bus.

[LAUGHING]

You better go down the back way.

[LAUGHING]

Excuse me, sir. Uh, Kogan said
you needed some help up here.

All right. Uh, can
you type, Levitt?

Type? Pssh.

I take it that means yes.

Yes, sir. All right.

Can you spell cat?

LEVITT: Huh?

Cat, damn it. Can you spell cat?

We want guys with
experience up here.

Harris, take him home.

HARRIS: Yes, sir.

C-A-T. Cat.

Very good. Sit down.

Hey, Harris, do this.

Yeah, okay.

I heard it.

It goes "squish, squish."

Beautiful, man.
That's beautiful.

Come on.

What's the matter with them?

Uh, overwork. Fatigue. Tension.

Right, sir.

You said you could type. Type.

Very Chekhovian, isn't it?

More intense.

[PHONE RINGS]

Twelfth Precinct,
Acting Detective Levitt.

Yes, ma'am.

Hold on a minute, ma'am.

Sir? Mrs. Fish wants to know

should she wait dessert
for Sergeant Fish.

Tell her he's out on a call.

Tell her he's
already had dessert.

Captain Miller, please, what
are you going to do with us?

Well, considering the
absence of the arresting officers

and certain other
unforeseen circumstances,

heh, I'm gonna release you.

[SPEAKING IN POLISH] Oh.

All I want is your
word that from now on

you'll find a more innocuous
way of settling your differences.

You promise?

Promise.

Thank you. Officer Levitt.

Yo. Make out a release form.

Yes, sir.

Step over here.

Glad to see you get a break.

MAN: What's with you guys
anyway? You know, you ain't human.

You're a bunch of hot
dogs, that's what you are.

Fish, you all right?

Never felt better.

Wojo?

Yeah, Barn? The guy
rifled three apartments,

and he tried to get away, and
me and Fish caught up to him.

Chased me all the
way across the roof

of the apartment building,
then they jumped to the bank.

Jumped. The old guy just
went bang, zoom, boom!

Yeah.

I mean, how did you do that?

That's gotta be
feet across there. Huh?

What do you think,
you're playin' with kids?

Hey, sit down, will you?

Wojo, are you aware
that those brownies

you brought in this morning
were laced with hashish?

No kidding.

[SCOFFS] I don't feel a thing.

I know.

Are you sure, Barney?

Verified by the lab report.

First time in
years I felt really good,

and it has to be illegal.

LEVITT: Captain?

Uh, what's your name?

Fred.

[KEYS CLACKING]

Fred what?

BARNEY: Well,
gentlemen, you're free to go.

Mr. Makowski... Yes.

And Mr...?

Psczola.

Right.

Here you are. Thank you, sir.

And remember your promise.

Yes, yes, yes.

You know, gentlemen,
when you think about it,

neither one of you would
have a job without the other.

I mean, what would a critic do

without actors to criticize?

And, uh, Mr. Makowski,

who would ever have heard
of you if it wasn't for the critics?

I think maybe each of you
owes the other an apology.

Mr. Psczola,

what the captain
says, it's true,

and I confess I
acted very foolishly.

I left Poland because it
was impossible to express

one's true feelings,

one's true commitments,

and I am deeply ashamed
for trying to prevent you

from expressing
your own true feelings

honestly and completely.

Mr. Psczola, I beg
your forgiveness.

You have it,

with gratitude and
respect, Mr. Makowski.

[DOOR OPENS]

Now, that was a performance.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Sergeant, what are these for?

Crowd control.

Here you are, Barn.

BARNEY: Ah.

How does this look?

Wojo, I think maybe
you'd better go home, huh?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Under criminal offense, you
typed "burglary" six times.

Just tryin' to make a point.

Under arresting
officer, you wrote:

"Wojciehowicz, chief of police."

[LAUGHING]

Wojo, just get your coat
and go home. Come on.

Barn, I'm... I'm
sorry about Gloria.

Oh, okay, okay.

Barn, y-you...? You forgive us?

We'll talk about
it another time.

Barn, to err is human,
to forgive divine.

Wojo, will you get
your coat and go home?

Forgive me, Barn.

Be divine.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

BARNEY: Levitt.

Boy, you go ask the
average guy to be divine

and see how far you get.

Right?

Yeah, sure.

Levitt, I want you to take
Detective Wojciehowicz home.

Well, forgive me
for sayin' so, sir,

uh, but he don't
look overworked.

He looks stoned.

It's okay, Levitt.

It's... It was an accident.
Something he ate.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

It's true. I mean, that's
why you're up here.

Detective Wojciehowicz
and the others ingested

a certain amount of hashish,
gift-wrapped as brownies.

You don't have to
explain to me, captain.

It's like eating poisoned food.

I ain't gonna say
nothin' to nobody.

A guy's gotta know when
to keep his mouth shut.

You can say anything you want.

Everybody's heard
about it. Not from me.

Levitt, just take
Wojciehowicz home!

Yes, sir. Thank you.

You don't have to thank me, sir.

You scratch my back,
I'll scratch your back.

One hand washes
the other, right, sir?

Wojo! Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Hey, Barn?

Yeah?

[BOTH GRUNT]

[MUTTERING]

Fish? Yeah?

You all right?

Yeah. Sure?

Yeah. Okay. Take him downstairs.

Fingerprints and
photographs. Right away.

Come on, criminal person.

Hey, what a lunch
you missed, Fish baby.

What a lunch. What?

Like I told Bernice, if
you ever get tired of her,

I'll take her in a minute.

What a hunk of woman.

And you wanna know something?

She still fits.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

That's my wife
you're talking about.

Yeah, I know.

My woman, you understand?

Mine. Companion.

Mother to my
daughter. Bed partner!

Take it easy. I'm not
gonna kick your behind

this time, Slater,

but stay away from Bernice
or you're gonna answer to me.

Now b*at it!

Oh, my God. What
am I talking about?

YEMANA: Morning, Fish.

Good morning, uh, Nick.

Good morning, everybody.

Hey.

What's the matter
with your foot?

I broke a shoelace.

Oh.

I didn't want to
stop and fix it.

You can't stoop over
in this neighborhood.

[DOOR OPENS]

YEMANA: Morning,
Barn. Good morning.

Look, uh, before it
gets busy around here,

I think we ought to
clear the air a little.

What happened yesterday
was a... It was an accident.

It was just one of those
things that happens,

and you... You hope
never happens again.

I just want everybody to know
that as far as I'm concerned,

the incident is forgotten.

What incident is that, Barn?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]