05x12 - Toys

[bunniefuu]

- Morning, morning, morning.
- Morning sir.

Oh, what a day. What a day.

There's a snap in the air.
You can almost hear it.

And, gentlemen, it's
getting quite christmasy.

I must have passed
five santa clauses

On the way over from the hotel.

You know, that reminds
me of the first time

We took david to see
santa claus over at macy's.

As hard as we tried,

We couldn't get
him to sit on his lap.

The next year, we
went back there.

They talked for minutes.

The kid had a list that long.

You all right, barn?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Is that a new suit, barn?

Yeah.

Oh. That always puts
me in a good mood, too.

Really?

Yeah, and I buy
suits all the time.

It must give you a real rush.

Uh, what do we got here?

Uh, arnold cummings,
male caucasian.

He tried to hold up a
liquor store on lexington.

They didn't have to t*rture me.

t*rture?

Apparently, when he
tried to leave the store,

The clerk tackled him,
then locked him in a room.

A room?

It was a closet... Without
any windows, no air.

When we arrived,

We found him scratching
at the door, whimpering.

I'm a claustrophobic.

My sympathies, mr. Cummings.

I really can't stand
being cooped up.

I'm afraid you may have

Come to the wrong
place, mr. Cummings.

Uh, take his
statement, pictures,

Prints, the whole...
Well, captain?

Yeah?

Claustrophobia... Just
another sob story, huh, sir?

Actually, claustrophobia
is a very real

And legitimate illness.

I really don't have time
to talk about it now.

I have to...

- - Answer the phone.

I didn't know that.

Sure, the fear of being
confined in an enclosed place

Is just one of many
neurotic phobias.

There's agoraphobia,
fear of open places,

Xenophobia, fear of strangers,

Acrophobia, fear of heights.

We've got a possible
burglary in progress on th.

Volunteer.

Take dietrich with you.

Harris: come on, arthur.
We've got business.

Okay. We'll pick it up later.

I'd like to.

You know, phobias are
sort of a hobby with me.

Oh, really?

Is there a word for the
fear of being enclosed

In a confined place but
only with certain people?

I'm not sure. We can
talk about it in the car.

Hey, mrs. Miller.

- Hi, stan.

Oh, oh, it's good to see you.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Oh, thank you.

What you doing here?

I mean, uh...

Well, we don't get much
of a chance to see you,

You know, since, uh...

Oh, since barney
and I separated.

Guess that must be the reason.

Yeah.

Well, we, uh, we meet
from time to time,

Uh, by virtue of our
joint checking account.

- Is barney...
- I'll go get barney.

Thanks.

Guess who's here.

My wife.

You were expecting her?

Yeah.

That's why you got the suit.

What is this preoccupation
with my wardrobe?

Can't a man get a new
suit once in a while?

Sorry.

Hi.

Hi.

How have you, uh...
How have you been?

Fine. Thanks.

Is that a new suit?

It sure is.

It's, uh, very...
Come on. Inside here.

Okay, I'm going.

Oh, oh, hi, liz.

- Hi, ron.
- How are you?

I'm fine. Thank you.
How have you been?

- Just fine.
- I've been okay.

Hey, haven't been
seeing much of you.

Well, thank you for noticing.

Yeah.

Oh, uh, i-i hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Oh, no, no, no. I-i...
I'll wait in the office.

Uh, excuse me.

Of course.

It's great to see you again.

Oh, it's great to see you again.

I'll be in in a minute.
What have we got?

Barn, it's great
to see her again.

What do you got, harris?

Oh, um, barn, this
is clyde perry.

I caught him ripping off
the perfecto toy company.

Do you have the loot?

Uh, yeah, he got
himself quite a haul.

A boomerang... A race car...

A cute little doll... A yo-yo.

I'm really just a big kid.

And, uh, this, which I
haven't given a name to yet.

It looks like someone's insides.

No signs of a struggle.

It was dark. I didn't know
what I was picking up.

Uh, where's dietrich?

He's bringing the owner down.

All right, tag all that stuff,

And do something with that.

Uh, perry, come on.
Take a seat over here.

Come on. Can't you
give me a break?

Otherwise I'm gonna be
spending christmas in jail.

Hey, where you spend
it doesn't matter.

It's who you're with.

Uh, $ to the greenwich hotel.

Rent three weeks.

Rent.

- Small room.
- Mm-hmm.

Single bed.

I see.

Better than central park.

Listen, uh... About
christmas morning,

What time do you
think I should come by?

Oh, well, you know
david. He'll be up at : .

Right.

Maybe I should come
christmas eve and wait.

Rachel won't be
there until : .

Fine.

Hmm.

Uh, madison sporting goods, $ ?

b*ll*ts.

Ah, so b*ll*ts.

Listen, I got a call
from mr. Woodman.

He, uh, wondered why
he hadn't heard from us

About the cabin.

Oh, I forgot all about that.

Well, no, I didn't
forget all about that.

I just, uh, put it
out of my mind.

It was just a natural
assumption on his part.

I mean, every year for years.

.

?

.

In any case, I guess he
just took it for granted

We'd be taking it
again, you know?

Yes, well, of course. He
had no way of knowing.

So I told him I'd,
uh... Let him know.

Um, marioni's cafe, $ .

It's that little italian
place on rd street.

$ , Dinner for two.

I see.

Me and inspector luger.

Oh, he's had his eyes
on me for a long time.

Let me tell you all
about the toy business.

It's all thieves and cutthroats.

I thought it was mostly elves.

Stefan metterling,
owner of the company.

How do you do?
I'm sergeant harris.

Where is my ooze?

Pardon me?

You know exactly
what I'm talking about.

Everybody's after it.

Could you possibly
be referring to this?

Oh, thank god.
It's... It's safe.

Have you any idea
how many people

Would just love to
get their hands on it?

I wouldn't even hazard a guess.

It's going to be the hottest
item on the market next season.

Look, look how it oozes in
and out of your fingers...

In and out of your fingers.

It is beautiful.

And it's completely
harmless if swallowed,

And it doesn't stain clothes.

It's quite a breakthrough.

Do you have to run now?

Well, I'm sure you have a
lot of work you have to do.

Yeah.

Uh, listen, uh, uh,
don't worry about that.

About what?

Mr. Woodman. I'll,
uh... I'll call him.

I'll explain the
whole situation.

Oh, sure. Right.

Well, I'm sure he's
not gonna have

Any trouble renting that place.

- Oh, no.
- It's a lovely place.

Oh, sure. The loft,
stone fireplace.

Yeah.

It's hard to resist.

I know.

Yes.

Oh. What is it, dietrich?

Captain, i, uh...

- Oh, excuse me, mrs. Miller.
- It's all right.

I don't think we've ever
really been introduced.

- I'm arthur dietrich.
- Oh, how do you do, arthur?

Of course the captain's
told us a lot about...

- What is it, dietrich?
- We'll talk later.

I got a lead from the
owner of the toy company.

It may be a case of
industrial espionage.

Uh-huh, yeah. All
right, check it out.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry
for the interruption.

No, no, that's okay.

- Okay. I'm going now.
- Okay, fine.

I'll be out of here in a second.

I'm gone.

Yoo-hoo.

Pardon me.

Hey!

I want out!

Hold it down, cummings.

I want out of here!

I'm gonna put the cuffs on him.

Let me out!

What's going on here?

Please, I'm suffocating! Mommy!

Daddy!

I think you have
your hands full.

Let me out!

We'll talk later.

Goodbye, everybody.
Nice to see you.

Let me out!

Sir, what should I do?

- Let him out!
- That makes sense!

Who's that?

It's mr. Metterling...
The father of ooze.

Ah, yes.

Mr. Metterling,
I'm captain miller.

I'd just like to say

We're gonna do everything
we can to clear this up.

Oh, sure, that's what
they told me last year

When they stole my sludge.

Sludge?

It's not a pretty story.

I'll be in my office.

Oh, barn, it was
really great to see liz.

It's too bad she
couldn't stay longer.

We just had some
checks to go over

And christmas plans to finalize.

Big turkey dinner
with the family, huh?

No, just christmas
morning with the kids.

Oh.

You're not gonna
stay for dinner?

This is all very
silly and stupid.

It pays the rent.

Oh, berman.

So, you thought you
could get away with it, huh?

My lawyer will be
contacting your lawyer.

- Dietrich?
- This this nathan berman,

Owner of the berman
novelty company.

Mr. Berman, I'm captain miller.

I am completely
innocent of anything.

First you stole my
sludge, and now you're...

You're a crazy old man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
gentlemen, please.

He's talking gibberish, captain.

I know him for years,

And he's no longer
completely with us.

Listen, berman, i...

Gnetlemen, please, please.

Mr. Berman.

Mr. Berman, we are
investigating a burglary,

And, uh, our information has it

That you might be able
to shed some light on it.

I am a law-abiding merchant.

Who would want to accuse
me of anything like that?

I never said a word, mr. Berman.

You're not going to take
the word of a cheap hoodlum

Who...

Oy.

Well, I had a right to.

The right to steal
the sweat and genius...

What about my fuzz ball?

Oh, I already had one.

And I suppose you already
had speed checkers

And baby comatose.

What about death
race and mr. Onion?

Hold it, hold it, I'm
not really concerned

About speed checkers
or death race or, uh, baby...

Baby comatose.

What we are concerned
with is burglary.

I want him arrested for theft.

And I want him arrested
for patent infringement.

Fine, you charge mr. Metterling.

Mr. Metterling will charge
you, and it'll all be very nice.

Harris, mr. Berman,
please, this way.

Dietrich, mr. Metterling.

Okay, mr. Berman, you
want to take a seat there?

I've got to book you.

On what charge?

Grand-theft ooze.

Sit down there.

Down.

Yeah.

I finally finished those
arrest reports you wanted.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Hey, I was gonna make
some fresh coffee.

You want a cup?

No, no, no. This
is fine. Thank you.

Barn, why don't you
come over to my house?

What?

For christmas dinner.

Come on, wojo.

Don't say "come on, wojo."

I'm making an invitation.

You've probably got other plans.

No, I haven't.

Oh.

Listen, I can make a turkey
and pick up some beer,

And, uh, there's a lot
of good ballgames.

Sure. That sounds nice.

Great.

You're sure I'm not
interrupting anything?

I mean, you're usually not

Without female companionship
on such occasions.

Oh, yeah, well, you know,

My outlook on that
has sort of changed.

Oh?

Yeah, I mean...

Well, the way my
social life used to be,

Uh, getting in the
sackarooni was the main thing.

But, uh... There
are other things,

You know, like friendship.

Just, uh, good
feelings between people

Can be just as satisfying.

That's very, uh,
wise of you, wojo.

Well, I've...

I've finally realized that...
Sex wasn't everything.

But I guess I don't
have to tell you that.

I'm going under. I
had to do something.

I don't believe you.

Place of birth, please?

You think to hire a thug
to rob your competitor

Is the act of a solvent man?

Eastern poland.

What happened?

I overestimated the ' s craze.

So, who didn't?

I have , hula-hoops
stacked up like tires.

Do you want to trade?

For what?

Pogo sticks.

I have a warehouse full of them.

Forget it. You
can't give them away.

How's it going?

I lost interest.

They're reconsidering.

Problems, gentlemen?

Nothing you can help, captain.

Mr. Metterling, we're
gonna need your signature

On this complaint form.

Yes, I know, captain
miller, but when...

But what?

Mr. Berman has been
stuck with , hula-hoops.

That's punishment enough.

How about you, mr. Berman?

Are we gonna proceed
with patent infringement?

Well...

With the courts the
way they are now,

I'd be dead before
it comes to trial.

And even if I win, what
will I get? Pogo sticks.

Forget it.

Okay, I guess that means

Both you gentlemen
are free to go.

Uh, mr. Metterling, don't
forget your, uh, ooze.

Oh, thank you very much.

What about me?

Oh, yeah.

Barn, we got him red-handed.

Oh, come on. It's...
It's almost christmas.

Everybody's dropping
charges. Turn him loose.

- Oh, bless you, captain.
- Yeah, yeah.

God bless you.

God bless everyone!

All right, all right. Come on.

Let's go, tiny tim.

We're back.

Oh. Have a nice little walk?

Wonderful.

Good. Good.

Good.

Barney: you've been
gone for quite a while.

I made approximately
circuits around the block.

If you wish, sir, I'll run
him over the tombs now.

Tombs?

Bellevue.

Oh.

Take him over to
bellevue and, uh,

Introduce him around.

Yes, sir.

Bellevue.

I am more sick
than I am criminal.

Absolutely.

Okay, cummings, let's go.

Oh, mrs. Miller.

Oh, hi, levitt.

Hi.

Hello.

Um, I'm the man
who was screaming.

Oh, yes. Yes.

It's very nice to see you again.

You're very lovely.

Oh, thank you.

Don't mind him. He's crazy.

Oh, oh, i-i didn't
mean in his opinion.

I meant in a general
way. You are lovely.

Levitt.

I wasn't trying to move in, sir.

Come on, cummings. Let's go.

Hello.

Hello.

Uh...

When I got home, I
found some more checks.

Oh. Oh, really?

It took me quite
awhile... But I found them.

Harris: barney...

Uh, i-i think I'll go downstairs

And check that roster board.

Fine.

Yeah, I'm gonna... I'll...

The checks?

Oh, the checks, yes. Here.

Uh, another reason
that I came back

Was because I really
left in the middle of things.

Well, it was kind of hectic.

Yeah.

Oh.

I was thinking about the cabin.

Have you changed your mind?

No.

I always wanted to take it.

Very amusing... The
way you did that.

Yeah.

Will, uh, will you
call mr. Woodman?

Yes, of course,
I'll... Look, uh...

Listen, i-i know it's
just for a few days

And it's really
mainly for the kids.

It's not gonna solve
all the problems.

Now, listen, barney.

Let's not start talking

And discussing and
analyzing things

Because every time we do
that, we get into trouble.

We're just going
to go, all right?

Fine.

Fine.

You know the first
thing I'm gonna do

When I get there?

What?

I'm gonna start a fire in
that big stone fireplace.

Oh, yeah.

Well... It does get
very, uh, cold inside.

Maybe we'll buy
some... Hot brandy.

Oh, yeah.

It's been very snowy
up there, too, you know.

I do hope the roads are open.

Oh, yeah. I hope they are.

Yes, well, I'll, uh...

I'll get out the snow chains.

Fine.

Goodbye.

Hi, stan.

Bye, mrs. Miller.

She found some checks.

Oh.

Oh, listen, uh...

I'm not gonna be able
to make christmas dinner.

You're not?

No, we... We just
changed our plans.

We're gonna take the, uh,

The cabin in vermont after all.

Oh. Well, uh...
Well, that's great.

We'll do it another time.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

All right.

Would you like to come
by christmas morning

- While the kids are...
- Hey, barn.

Woj, I get the feeling
I'm deserting you.

Barney...

You know in the
office when I was, uh,

Telling you about,
uh, friendship

And good feelings between people

And how it's just
as important as, uh...

Yeah.

Well, I didn't mean it.