05x18 - Middle Age

[bunniefuu]

- Uh, barn?
- Yeah?

Um, I'm just about finished
with our diamond robbery victim.

You said you wanted to see him?

Uh, yeah. Ask him
to wait a minute.

Barn, what's that
you got on your face?

They're called glasses.

Oh, yeah, right.

I would've expected
such a response

From a playmate
on the schoolyard,

Hardly from an adult colleague.

Hey, barn, I'm
sorry. I mean, really.

I didn't mean to make
you feel self-conscious.

I'm not self-conscious.

I just need these things
for reading, that's all.

Hey, I understand.

But I kind of like the way
you look with glasses on.

- All right, harris. All right.
- No, really, barn.

I mean, it makes you appear
a bit more distinguished,

Uh, reflective...

Walter pidgeon.

Walter pidgeon?

Yeah, barn. The
moustache, the glasses.

Barney, you look just
like walter pidgeon.

What are you talking
about? Walter pidgeon!

The man must be
years old by now.

Oh, really?

Well, I guess I just paid
him a compliment, huh?

That's just one of
the things you've done.

Barney, i... I...

Excuse me.

Uh, good morning.

Hello, hello.

Hey, uh, morning, dietrich.

How you doing?

- Hey, uh, can I ask you
a question?
- Sure.

Thanks. You know a
lot more facts than I do.

That's a good
way of phrasing it.

What is?

That I know a lot more facts.

It doesn't imply that
I'm any smarter than you

Or that I have some sort
of intrinsic intelligence

That you don't have.

It just means that, because
of my background in education,

I just happen to have

A few more bits of information
available to remember.

Yeah.

Right.

Is that guy a quaker?

What are you, crazy?

No, I just don't know.

He's a hasidic jew.

Oh, right.

There was another
diamond robbery.

Yeah?

You do know that the hasidim
have traditionally been a part

Of the diamond
business in new york

Since the turn of the century.

No, I don't know that, either.

What'd the rangers
do last night?

- They won, - .
- Thanks.

Oh, hey, barn.

Good morning, wojo.

Do you know what that guy is?

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, the rangers
won last night,

In case you're interested.

Harris: barn?

This is yacov berger.
Mr. Berger, captain miller.

- Mr. Berger.
- Captain.

Mr. Berger was
walking down canal,

Carrying approximately
uncut diamonds,

When he was accosted
by a man with a g*n.

Yeah, he took out this p*stol,

And he said, "hand
over the ice, padre."

Padre?

Yes, I thought he
meant somebody else,

Another person,
but no such luck.

You, uh, gave him the gems?

That surprises you?

No, no, no.

That's a very wise move.

You know, your shakespeare said,

"He who steals my
purse steals trash."

You heard that?

Don't you believe it.

Karats of very valuable
merchandise he took.

Sorry to hear that.

Well, at least I'm
alive, thank the lord.

Won't you have a
seat, mr. Berger?

Thank you. Thank you.

There's, uh, just one thing

That I don't really understand.

What... What were you doing
walking through the street,

Carrying all these
diamonds in your pocket?

What's to understand?
That's tradition.

Tradition?

Barn, "fiddler on the roof."

Didn't you see it?

Look, for generations...

My father and his
father before him...

We always walk the
streets of new york,

Never been bothered.

I'm afraid times are
changing, mr. Berger.

We've had four such robberies
in the last two weeks alone.

Oy, that's shameful!

You should do
something about it!

Well, we're trying, mr. Berger,

But it would help

If you didn't present
such a tempting target.

What do you want me
to do... Wear a disguise?

Uh, barn?

There's a disturbance
over in the park.

Want me to check it out?

Yeah, uh... Hmm.

Take a uniform with
you. We're still short.

If there isn't
anything else, captain...

I've already sent out

A description of the
suspect, barn, so...

That'll be it for
now, mr. Berger.

If anything turns
up, we'll contact you.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

- Shalom.
- Shalom?

Shalom. Shalom uvracha...

Amen.

Mm-hmm?

- You busy, captain?
- No, no. Come on in.

Thank you.

What's this?

Go ahead. Open it.

Ah, you're having a party.

I know.

"Saturday, : p.m.,
Black tie optional"?

Most of the people
will be wearing jeans.

I just don't want to
inhibit anybody sartorially.

Understandable.

There's an rsvp
there. You coming?

Uh, well, I'll, uh...
I'll let you know.

Oh, yeah. Fraternization with
subordinates... I understand.

No, no, no, no,
dietrich, that's not it.

It's just that... Well,
I mean, honestly,

I don't know that I'd
fit in with your friends.

You don't have to
worry about that.

There's gonna be a lot
of older folks there.

I got a friend, .

He worked on the panama canal.

Gets pretty wild at
these parties sometimes.

I'll let you know.

Sure. Take your time.

You can let me know later on...

Even tomorrow.

I just need an approximate
count for the egg rolls.

Hope you can make it.

Come on. Just get in here.

Great upper-body strength.
You must be a lifter, right?

Where should I put this stuff?

Uh, put it down.

Hey, careful with my equipment!

I got my own equipment
to worry about.

What the hell is all that?

Uh, barn, this is
richard perito.

Hi.

Captain miller.

- You a policeman?
- Yes.

Don't you have fitness
requirements anymore?

Just can it, will you, perito?

He was in the park.

He almost hit some
old lady with his spear.

No, no, that's a javelin.
It was a -foot toss.

He was fighting with a
bunch of cub scouts and...

Yeah, they kept pulling
up my distance markers,

The little devils.

Wojo, I wanted to work on
those status reports with you.

Dietrich, would you take
mr. Perito's statement?

Over here, mr. Perito.

Did you ever throw
one of these things?

Tall sucker, huh?

- Dietrich: levitt?
- Yeah?

- Let's see. Here.
- Mail?

No, it's an invitation
to a party I'm giving.

Yeah?

"Saturday, :
p.m." No kidding.

Think you can make it?

Sure, I can even
come a little early

And help with the dip,
set up some folding chairs.

- No, : 's fine.
- Beautiful.

I could take some adult games
I have and bring them along.

We're gonna be playing some.

As each guest comes
in, they draw from a hat

The name of a
th-century philosopher

And assume his character.

Then, by quoting various
thoughts and phrases

During the course of
a normal conversation,

Each guest tries to
guess the other's identity.

You ever play that?

I can play yahtzee.

All right. I'll see you there.

See you there.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Uh...

Damn it.

Excuse me. I forgot...
Forgot something.

Where are those january figures?

January... Is right
here... January.

Oh, thank you.

Hey... Glasses.

Yes, glasses.

How come?

Well, I thought about it.

I decided it would be nice if
I could see what I was doing.

Oh, there's something
wrong with your eyes.

That's generally the
reason one wears glasses.

I got an uncle who wears
glasses exactly like these ones,

You know?

The same black frame and...

The hearing aid
clips on right here.

Huh?

There's a hearing aid that...

Occupation?

Athlete, amateur.

I want that specified,
"amateur athlete."

Do you have any more
traditional occupation,

As well, mr. Perito?

I used to, but it took too much
time away from my training.

What are you training
for, mr. Perito?

Isn't it obvious?

- Decathlon?
- Mm-hmm, olympics.

?

Mm-hmm, if I'm ready.

Otherwise, .

What's your age, mr. Perito?

.

I'll save you the
trouble, all right?

I'm gonna be
for the ' games.

I'll be in .

Ah... "Foolish,"
you're thinking.

"Oh, yes, he's lost his
mind. He's gone bananas."

Let me save you the trouble

Because I've heard all
of that before, all right?

It never crossed my mind.

Oh, sure, sure.

There have been too many
noteworthy accomplishments

All over the world from
people much older than you are.

Yeah. That's true.

But not too many people
are aware of that, you know?

That's right. I'll
give you an example.

Grandma moses
didn't begin painting

Until she was in her late s.

Eamon de valera was president
of ireland at the age of...

. Exactly.

Right.

And then
there's senator strom thurmond.

What?

Fathered
a child at the age of .

Oh.

I guess his only abstentions

Have been on the
floor of the senate.

That's political satire.

You hear me?

Captain, I'm gonna take
perito for pictures and prints.

Fine.

Okay, we'll be right there.

Wait till you hear this.

Had a robbery over
at th and canal,

Another one of those
diamond-merchant guys.

They got him trapped
in an elevator.

All right, take... Where
the hell is harris?

- I don't know.
- Wonderful.

Do you want me to get it?

No, no. Stick with perito.

I'll go with you, wojo.

You sure you...

- Am I sure what?
- Uh, nothing.

Get a car, and I'll
meet you downstairs.

Dietrich, call kogan. Have
him handle all our calls.

Right.

Guess he's in better
shape than he looks, huh?

You know, it's
trite, but it's true.

The body is the house
where the soul resides.

I don't believe I have a soul.

You know somebody
looking for a place?

Come on.

Hello again.

Oh, mr. Berger, thanks
for coming down.

Captain miller's on his way back

With a suspect
for you to identify.

Oh, fine, fine, fine, fine.

You want to... Say,
come on in. Come on in.

There's nothing to be
afraid of. Come on in.

Oh, who's this?

I don't know.

But why stand in the hall?

Of course.

I'm sergeant harris.
What can I do for you?

Uh, yes, I was told my hus...

That's his junk.

Oh, you must be mrs. Perito.

Oh, my god.

He finally k*lled
somebody with it.

Well, actually, it
was just a near-miss.

That's comforting.

Could I get something
for you folks... Tea, coffee?

No, thank you.

I'd like some tea.

Please, help yourself.

Sure, I'm used to it.

Roseanne.

Richard.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?

It's just a little fracas.

"Fracas"?

They said "as*ault with a
deadly w*apon," richard.

I'm in jail. You're in jail.

That's bigger than a
fracas, richard, a lot bigger.

May I speak to my husband?

Sure. You can use my desk.

Thank you.

Yeah, come on in, herbie.

Now, no first names.

The law says I get respect.

It's mr. Glass to you.

Okay, mr. Glass,
move your sweet...

And no poetry, either.

How'd it go out there?

Barn, I'm sorry I
missed the call.

Oh, no problem.

Hey, not for him.

You should have
been there, harris.

He was great!

Just get mr. Glass'
statement, huh?

Sure, barn.

You got some tags?

So, we meet again.

I don't know you.

You don't know me? You
robbed me, remember?

I rob a lot of
people in that getup.

Getup?

Did you hear what
he called this?

A getup.

Don't pay any attention
to him. He's just ignorant.

Listen to me.

My father wore this getup,

And my grandfather
wore this getup,

And my grandfather
before him and before him

Wore this getup.

- Do you understand?
- Yeah.

So, if I hear you laugh, I'm
gonna pull your lips off.

That's very kind of you.

So how'd it go out there?

Nothing particularly unusual.

Ha. Not for him.

He... He... He practically
caught the guy

And made him drop
his g*n single-handed.

Come on. I said to the
guy "drop your g*n."

Yeah, but, barn,
the way you said it,

You know, with such
authority. The guy didn't even...

Wojo, now cut it
out. Cut it out, huh?

This is not necessary.

Just because a man
puts a pair of glasses on

Does not mean he's doing so

So that he can watch his
life pass before his eyes.

So just...

Let's, uh, change
the subject, huh?

He's in no mood for a party.

What party?

Here.

Yeah.

Did you ever hear the
expression "diamond in the rough"?

- Yeah, sure.
- That's like you.

I beg your pardon?

Picture yourself naked.

All right.

So, what do you see? A body
like any other body, huh?

Well... Then, when
you put on a fine suit

And you comb your hair
and you wash your face,

It sparkles.

It's the same
principle on a diamond.

Yeah, well, see, I got
a few diamonds myself,

You know, primarily for
investment purposes...

Like this one.

Oh, let me see
it. Let me see it.

Uh-huh. Hmm.

Well, it's a little bit yellow.

A few, uh...

Not a few... Quite a
few imperfections.

And the cut is kind
of old-fashioned.

If you want to make
an investment, buy land.

I can't. I bought this.

Well, the next time
that you want to invest,

Put it in the ground
and grow something.

People always want food.

Yeah, but once you eat
it, what have you got?

Diamonds are forever.

Yeah, until people decide

That they don't
want them anymore.

Oh, god help us.

Finished writing up glass.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, you might want
to read it over

Because, uh, you're going
to have to sign it, too.

Uh, the guy's a cpa.

That's right. This is
a white-collar crime.

Still a crime, mr. Glass.

Yeah, but if I pushed a
pencil for my whole life,

I couldn't afford to buy a
handful of those lousy pebbles.

Hey, you're not alone, buster.

That's why I did it...

To show my contempt
for the concept.

That's a unique defense.

What do you think?

It'll just be a few
minutes, ma'am.

I'll give sergeant
dietrich the bail ticket.

Thank you.

What are you in here for?

Fulfilling a dream.

We're going, richard.

- Roseanne...
- We'll talk about it at home.

Roseanne, I can win.

Okay.

Here's your bail
ticket, mr. Perito.

You're free to go.

You take care of yourself.

Thank you. You too.

At least you can work part-time

And throw your
spear on weekends.

You've got to make a living.

I'd like to, roseanne. I can't.

Captain, thank you.

Richard.

I can win, roseanne.

- Good luck, mr. Perito.
- Thanks.

Uh, levitt...

I'll take the spear
and the frisbee,

But you got to
take the lead ball.

Come on, roseanne.

Richard, I swear to
god I'll get a divorce.

Y-you don't mean that.

I do mean it.

You'll stop all this
olympic nonsense

And daydreaming
impossible dreams,

Or I will pack up my things,

And you will never see
me again, so help me, god.

Tell me... How
much am I holding?

You mean in karats?

Dollars.

Well, depends how it's
cut. Maybe $ , or so.

Ohh, ho ho ho ho.

Harris?

Yeah.

Uh, you through with mr. Berger?

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Berger, you're free to go.

We'll have to hold the gems
for a while for evidence,

But we'll get them back
to you as soon as possible.

Oh, that's all right.
I got plenty more.

But, of course, I wouldn't
like to lose these.

Oh, no, no, no. Come
on. This is evidence.

All right, captain,
thank you for everything.

Goodbye, mr. Harris.

Uh, yeah.

Let me see.

There's... What? , , , , .

My, my, my, my.

I thought there
was or here.

No, no. Never mind. Never mind.

Never mind.

April fools!

All right, so it's
february. So sue me!

Barney, you feel like talking?

Wojo,
I'm fine, really.

Really, I'm fine.

You know, you may
not think so, barney,

But sometimes we can
help you out, you know,

By talking, like you do for us.

You're right, woj.

It's just... Remember...

There's more things
in heaven and earth.

You know what
that's from, don't you?

Yeah.

You said it.

No, I mean... Who
said it originally.

It wasn't you?

Shakespeare.

Oh.

Hope I haven't disappointed you.

Oh, no. Hey, that's okay.

I wish I had said it first.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Arthur.

Hmm?

Is there something
you want to say to me?

About what?

The little envelopes
you've been fondling all day.

Oh.

No.

Oh.

Well... These are invitations

To a party I'm giving
saturday night,

Which I know you
don't want to go to.

So, rather than make
you uncomfortable,

I didn't invite you.

Oh.

Well, that was
thoughtful of you.

You're welcome.

Of course you
can still come if...

No, I got another engagement.

Okay.

Of course...

I could cancel it.

Hmm?

Here you go.

This is for ed olson.

He's an old friend of
mine, but unfortunately,

I just heard he d*ed a
couple of months ago.

He was .

Oh, arthur, I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Just don't tell barney.