05x19 - The Counterfeiter

[bunniefuu]

How's it going, wojo?

Pbht!

That well, huh?

Barn, these files are
totally screwed up.

Okay, what's the problem?

The file on prostitution.

Yeah?

It's empty.

That doesn't seem possible.

Nick had them filed
according to specialty.

"C" for "call girls,"

"S" for "streetwalkers,"

"M" for "massagers,"

And, uh..."T" for...

Uh... Tarts?

Trollops?

Twins.

The inscrutible little scamp.

- Uh, barney.
- Yeah.

Some more bogus notes here,

Same high quality as the others.

Any purchases we can
check them against...

Cameras, stereo, nothing?

Nope, just staples... A
loaf of bread, a dozen eggs.

That would take an
awful lot of purchases

To produce enough change

To make an operation
like this worthwhile.

I got a theory, barney.

Maybe we're dealing

With somebody who's
just plain stupid.

Barn, I mean, it's
just a theory.

I didn't... Excuse me, sergeant.

I looked through
all those pictures,

And the guy that passed
me that funny money...

He ain't in there.

Okay, thank you, mr. Becker.

Oh, mr. Becker, this
is captain miller.

Mr. Becker.

- Pleased to meet you, captain.
- Mr. Becker.

I got a description, barn,

And it's in circulation
now, so, uh...

Fine.

Thank you, mr. Becker. We
appreciate your cooperation.

Only wish there were
more citizens like you.

Oh! By the way, where
do I get my money?

I beg your pardon?

Well, you know,
the reimbursement

For that fake
stuff I brought in.

I'm afraid there is no
reimbursement, mr. Becker.

Didn't sergeant harris explain

The implications of
your cooperation?

I save it till last, barney.

It's a bad habit I got.

Barn, there's a disturbance

Over at the medical
arts center on th.

I'll take it.

Those files will still be
here when you get back.

Okay.

- Take a uniform.
- All right.

Now, let me get
this thing straight.

If I had kept this money

And then passed it
off to some other jerk,

Then I wouldn't be out anything.

Right.

But if I do my duty
like a good citizen,

Report it, turn the money in,

Then I'm out bucks?

Right.

Oh.

Now I got it.

You know, they never tell you

About these little
things in civics class.

I'm sorry...

All they ever tell you is you
should vote in every election

And that everybody is
entitled to a little justice.

There is no justice,
in or out of court.

Clarence darrow.

But... Upholding the law
is everybody's business.

d*ck tracy,
"crimestoppers' textbook."

Did you talk to the
treasury department yet?

Uh, yeah.

Any mention of assistance
in the counterfeit case?

In a lackluster sort of way.

They said they'll shake an
agent loose as soon as they can.

Wonderful. By that time,
we can solve it ourselves.

I kind of believe that's
what they're counting on.

Ta-da! Surprise!

Guess who!

Inspector.

Yeah!

How are you?

Good to see you.

- Hey, har.
- How you doing, inspector?

- Welcome back.
- Thanks, d.d.

It's good to be back
in harness again.

You know? Huh? I want
to thank all of you.

I want to thank all of you

From the bottom of
this slightly defective

Little old ticker of mine, huh?

I just never
expected to see you...

What, to pull through?

No!

To be up and around so soon.

I did.

Just my familiarity with
modern post-cardiac care.

They want to get you out

And exercise your
weak heart muscles.

Dietrich?

Inspector?

Dietrich, after all, it
is my heart condition.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to steal your thunder.

I'm
kidding, dietrich.

See you in the office
in a minute, barney.

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Wise-guy know-it-all.

I want to see this
butcher locked up!

Who you calling a
butcher? I'm a doctor.

Oh, you got two jobs
now, huh? Big deal!

Hey, hey, put a lid on it.

Yeah, that goes for me, too!

Best to be consistent
in these matters.

What do we got, wojo?

Well, this is robert lovell,

And this is dr. Rene boudreau.

Dr. Boudreau?
What's the problem?

This hack mutilated my wife.

I improved your wife.

Okay, okay. Improved?

Yeah, dr. Boudreau's
a plastic surgeon.

So he worked on
mr. Lovell's wife.

Looks like he worked
on her with a jackhammer!

Mr. Lovell went down
there and took a punch at him.

By the time we got there,

They were rolling
around the waiting room.

Mm-hmm, and he broke one
of my early-american lamps.

He's nothing but a big bruiser.

My, my, aren't we savage?

All right, all right, all right.

Wojo, you want to
take care of mr. Lovell?

And, dr. Boudreau,

Sergeant dietrich will
take your statement.

Dietrich: over here, doc.

Wojo: okay, lovell,
come on. Let's go.

Will there be
anything else, sir?

No, uh, levitt,
uh, that'll be all.

Uh, sir.

- I just... Oh, uh,
ahem, barney?

You understand.

Yes, sir.

Priorities.

Detectives dump on the uniforms,

Captain dumps on the detectives,

And the commissioner
dumps on everybody.

You know that balance
of nature stuff?

It stinks.

I tell you, barney,

You get hit with
something like this,

It makes you stop for a minute.

It makes you step back
and take a long, hard look

At this crazy
quilt we call life.

Yeah, that's true.

Pardon me, barn?

I said, yes, that's
right. That's true.

I guess... Sooner or later

We all contemplate
our mortality.

Well put, barney.

That's just what agnes says.

Who?

Agnes, my... My lady friend.

Oh, right, yes, agnes.

Of course, she doesn't use
the fancy language like you do.

She... How did she put it?

She says, "life is like
a merry-go-round.

"Sometimes we get
on... Nice, smooth ride.

"And sometimes the
motor goes out of control.

You get thrown off your
pony right onto your keister."

Agnes said that?

That's why I want to talk
to you about her, barney.

Okay, what's your occupation?

I run my own import business.

In fact, I was in
korea buying baskets

When this joker
carved up my wife!

Hey, your wife did
consent to it, right?

She signed a paper, if
that's what you mean.

That's what I mean.

That woman will sign anything...
Petitions to ban the b*mb,

Stop pollution,
save the baby seals.

It's depraved, isn't it?

Real sick.

Yeah.

On the other hand, barney,
she can cook a little.

She don't make a whole
lot of noise when she eats.

She's got some other
good qualities, too.

I'm sure she does.

Well, barney?

Well, inspector?

There's the evidence?
What's your verdict?

What do you think?

About what?

About me and agnes
getting engaged.

Inspector,

It's not my place, or anyone
else's, for that matter,

To make that kind of decision.

Well, you must have an
opinion, for heaven's sakes.

My opinion, if any,
doesn't matter.

That's your opinion.

Yes.

Barney, there you go.

There you go, straddling
on the fence again, huh?

Getting wishy-washy.

You just won't come
out and commit yourself.

Inspector, this is not
my commitment to make.

Yes?

- Barney?

Inspector, you all right?

Hmm?

Oh, I'm just fine, just fine.

Honest. Really, really.

It must have been some
of that sour yogurt

Coming back up again.

Barn, there was some bad
bills passed out on lexington,

Over at a laundry.

The owner says he knows
who gave them to him.

All right, check it
out. Take a uniform.

Uh, yeah.

Inspector, can I
get you anything...

Some water, something?

No, no, I'm fine. Fine, thanks.

Really. Really, har.
I'm a very lucky man.

I used to have my good health,

My good friends.

Thank god I still
got my good friends.

Uh, got the quarterly
inventories here.

Where do you want
me to put them?

Keeping in mind my
rank as you answer.

I'll take them right here.

Seen luger around?

Yeah, he said he was
going out to lunch.

Oh, good.

Uh... He thanked me
for being his friend.

Then there was,
uh, ralph menninger,

The human cannonball.
Oh, wow, I tell you,

Be was my piéce de resistance.

Look, I had to totally
reconstruct his face.

You know? Borrowing from
various parts of his body.

Uh, a piece of skin here,
a chip of bone there.

That's fascinating.

Did you ever hear the song...

"Put on a happy face"?

I don't want to
discuss it anymore.

Um, I processed mr. Lovell
and dr. Boudreau.

They still want to sign
complaints against each other.

All right. Out him in the cage.

Come on, doc.

Can I help you, doctor?

Oh, no, no.

Just professional curiosity.

Get in the cage.

In here, ma'am.

You better watch your
step with those glasses on.

Oh, thank you very much.

Lisa?

Robert!

What are you doing in
jail... With my doctor?

Hello, lisa.

Hello. I'm captain miller.

Yes. What's this all about?

Why are robert and
rene in that cell?

"Rene"?

They're both being
held on as*ault charges.

What is going on here, robert?

Lisa...

There's no need to air our
dirty linen in public, lisa.

But you're in jail.

I know I'm in jail.

We'll talk about it
when we get home!

Oh, I do not believe
this. I do not believe this.

Lisa, I think you
should know the truth.

He came to my
office to b*at me up.

Robert, is that true?

- Yes, it's true.
- Mm-hmm.

What am I supposed to do?

Stand idly by while
some perverted surgeon

Talks you into
mutilating yourself?

You implying I'm perverted?

God knows what
you've done to yourself.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Captain, could I just
see my husband alone...

Oh, don't look at me, please.

Dietrich.

Anything else, sir?

No, levitt. That'll be it.

Sir, i... Okay, in here, walt.

Thank you very much, sergeant.

You're very welcome.

Well, hello, there, young man.

Hi, there, old person.

Harris?

Oh, barney, I'd like you
to meet walter hathaway.

Walt, captain miller.

- How do you do, captain?
- Mr. Hathaway.

Now, please, call me walt.

He insists.

And walt is, uh...
Our counterfeiter.

Our counterfeiter?

Oh, that's a nasty
word, counterfeiter.

But I suppose there are
some even more reprehensible.

I suppose.

Barn, this was in
mr. Hathaway's room

When we went in,

And these are the
plates for the $ . Bills...

Look almost perfect to me.

Well, thank you very much.

However, it was
extremely suspicious

When he tried to
pass one of these s.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Looks pretty good to me.

Check abe's jacket.

Yeah.

It's kind of
strange. It's like a...

Leisure suit?

Yeah, right.

See, I'm afraid my eyes

Aren't just what
they used to be,

Not like they were when
I did the dollar plates.

And, uh, when was
that, mister, uh...

Walt?

Well, now, let me see.

I believe it was,
um, ... .

' ?

You mean to tell me

You've been printing your
own money for years?

As I've needed it,
only as I've needed it.

Here you go, harris.

Walt, you want to take
a seat over here, please?

Oh, sure, I'd be glad to.

♪ I'm gettin' married
in the mornin' ♪

♪ Ding dong, the
bells are gonna chime ♪

♪ Pull out the stopper,
let's have a whopper ♪

♪ But get me to
the church on time ♪

I didn't know they set the date.

Gentlemen, you will excuse me.

Now, let's see, where was i?

Oh, yes.

It was during the second w*r

That I started my
training in engraving,

Making the metal
plates for m*llitary scrip.

Fascinating... I mean,
simply fascinating.

You know, walt,

You are one of the most
interesting, colorful,

Informative people
I have ever met.

Well, thank you very much.

My most
unforgettable character.

What?

Reader's digest.

Inspector... Call
me frank, barn.

Come on, be honest with me.

Is it possible you had a
few drinks for lunch?

Barney!

I'm on duty.

Yeah, just take it easy,
will you, inspector?

Yeah.

You know, maybe,
maybe it was these pills

That are making
me a little cockney.

- Pills?
- Mm-hmm.

(To the tune of the wedding
march) ♪ white pills and green ♪

♪ White pills... ♪

I don't know, but these
look like tranquilizers.

Well... I'm tranquil.

You sure are.

Pretty full.

I think maybe I took them
too close together, barney.

Barney...

I don't know if I
want to marry agnes.

I know, inspector.

It's not the marrying
part, barney.

It's the agnes part.

Maybe you just
need some more time.

No.

No, no, it ain't her,
either, barney. It's me.

I got to be careful
now, you know...

The old thump, thump, thump.

And I don't know if i...

If I can make the
honeymoon, barn.

Barney, you can
lead a horse to water,

But you're not gonna
get a top stud fee

If he's got a defective... Part.

Sergeant, when am I
gonna get out of here?

It's up to you and mr. Lovell.

You can drop the
charges against each other

And get out of here,

Or else we better start
making arrangements for bail.

If he pays for the
broken lamp, I'll forget it.

That's fair, isn't it?

Fair and fair and twice so fair,

As fair as any may be.

Hey, that's, uh...

- It's a quote.
- Right.

Yeah.

This is my busy time.

I didn't need that
kind of aggravation!

Robert, ever since you
started your own business,

You come home tired every night.

Lisa, that's what it takes.

After a while, I said,
"it's got to be me.

"Maybe if I could just
be a little bit prettier,

"A little bit more alluring,

Maybe it could
change something."

Lisa...

I'm not worth that
kind of sacrifice.

Robert...

Robert, you're...

You're worth any value
I could ever put on you.

Kid, that was beautiful.

Oh, that is marvelous.

Barney... Shh, he's asleep.

Oh, the inspector?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He's just had his
: feeding, huh?

We're in a good mood.

It's walt... You
know, mr. Hathaway.

What an absolutely
mind-blowing guy he is, barn.

Really?

I mean, he has led an
utterly fascinating life.

Has he had any prior
jail experiences?

Barn, does he have
to go through all...

Yes, he has to.

Just asking.

Captain, dr. Boudreau and lovell

Have decided to drop charges.

Oh, finally.

I gave them your old "here
are your options" routine.

Oh, really?

Feel free to use it any time.

All right, doc.

Oh, well, thank god.

I've got a lift at
: and a tuck at : .

Busy hands are happy hands.

Yeah.

Lovell, I'll send you a bill
for the broken lamp, okay?

If it's fair, I'll pay it.

Oh, forget it.

I'll just tack it
on to her nose.

That's funny.

I never heard it
that way before...

"Tack it on to her nose."

That's a great line.

Bye, lisa.

Barney, I'm gonna
take walt down now

For pictures and prints.

Fine.

Now, don't worry about it.

I'll be all right.

You see, I found I couldn't live

On a small disability
pension from the army,

So those just helped out.

Well, now I don't
have to worry about it.

That's true, isn't it?

Good luck to you, mr. Hathaway.

Thank you, captain.

You all set, walt?

Ready when you are, ron.

Uh, you two can go now.

Anytime you want.

Take your time.

Shall we go home, lisa?

Yeah, let's.

Oh, what the hell?

Let's go out and
have some lunch first.

I don't care.

Captain.

Mrs. Lovell.

Thank you very much, really.

It's quite all right.

Thank you for
letting me cool off.

It's our job.

- Bye.
- Bye now.

It's only skin-deep, right?

If that's the way
you guys want to be.

I decided to talk to agnes.

That's a wise
decision, inspector.

Certainly a direct
and honest encounter

Is the healthiest of
all possible actions.

Yes.

I told her to meet
us here at : .