05x22 - Computer Crime

[bunniefuu]

Th precinct. Harris.

Uh, no, ma'am. I'm sorry.

We can't arrest your husband for
going out in one of your dresses.

Oh, it's one of
your new dresses.

Well, that I understand. Mm-hmm.

Oh, you wanna
teach him a lesson?

Take one of his.

You're welcome.

Sounds like they
got a lot in common.

Yeah. Including size.

Somebody got a new joke?

Just another whacko phone call.

Yeah, we get a lot more
of those at night, don't we?

Yeah. Damn things help us pass
the time, though, don't they?

I suppose there is a
lighter side to suffering.

Right.

Levitt and dietrich check in?

No.

Well, uh, they didn't
request a backup

On their, uh, silent alarm, so
we figured they're all right.

All right. Keep me posted, okay?

Oh, uh, just for
everyone's information,

I'll be leaving about
: this evening.

Mmm.

If you need me, I'll be at home.

But the shift isn't
over until midnight.

- I'm aware of that.
- Oh.

I mean, I didn't mean you
had to stay to the very end.

Of course you don't.

Hey, come on. When was the last time I
took off early for personal reasons?

Barn, you don't have to...

I mean, I know I don't have to.

Liz is making a special
dinner tonight, and i...

Can you eat that late?

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

About : .

Please, mr. Fine.

Look, uh, sergeant,

I-i can't seem to
make you understand.

This is all just a
ridiculous mix-up.

That's a possibility.

That's right.

Or else you're a
sniveling little liar

Trying to talk your
way out of a jam.

I'm just playing the
devil's advocate.

Captain, this is stanley fine.

We caught him in a computer
room of levinson and brieston,

A brokerage firm over on third.

Captain, t-this is
all very explicable.

I work there.

I was just putting
in a little overtime.

Yeah, he tripped the alarm
while he was jimmying the door.

Caught him red-handed
with this, sir.

It's a briefcase.

I know what it is.

It's filled with stamps.

Stamps?

Stamps, sir, of the
postal variety, I believe.

Captain, I don't claim to
be an expert philatelist.

I don't know much
about stamps...

And I only glanced
at them for a second...

But?

Those suckers are expensive.

Captain, see, that's
just my hobby.

That you carry around in the
middle of the night in a briefcase?

Oh, sure. See,
i... Oh, well, i...

Stop it, now, stop it. You're
going to hurt yourself.

Dietrich, see if
there's anything

On missing stamp collections

And see who you can round
up from that brokerage firm,

Check out his story.

Right. Want to have a
seat over here, mr. Fine?

Anything else, sir?

Oh, uh, no, levitt. Thank you.

Just get your report
in and you can go.

Go where, sir?

Home?

Thank you, sir,

But I would just rather
stay and work another shift.

Levitt?

Sir, what is a cop
when he's not on duty

And just sitting
around in his room?

Nothing... Just another civilian
sitting around in his room.

I'll be downstairs, sir.

Hi, it's me. No, no, no,
no, nothing wrong.

I just, uh... Just felt
like calling 'cause i, uh,

Been sitting here all night
just thinking about, uh...

Dinner.

I'm famished.

Oh, yeah? You too, huh?

Oh, that's very
fortunate.

I'd love to hear about dessert.

Uh-huh.

Ohh.

Oh, that sounds
more than appetizing.

That sounds absolutely...

- Here you go, sir...
- Levitt!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Levitt, you just don't
walk in in the middle

While two people are right...

Beg your pardon, sir?

Uh, liz... Uh, liz,
I'll have to, uh...

Yes, it was him.

I certainly will.

Liz, I'll, uh... I'll
call you back.

Mrs., Uh... Mrs.
Miller says hello.

Oh, isn't that nice?
Won't you tell her that i...

Levitt, what is it?

Oh, it's the report, sir.

It's the apprehension
of fine, stanley, t.

Levitt, you could have
given that to dietrich.

It's procedure, sir. I
always give them to you.

All right, all right.

My best to mrs. Miller, sir.

I hope you'll see
that she gets it.

Your job is programming
the computer, right, mr. Fine?

Yeah. And systems analysis.

I know
what you're thinking.

Boring work done by
boring people, right?

On the contrary,
I find the field

And the people who work
in it utterly fascinating.

Really?

Sure, most people think of you

As stifling, frigid,
crashing bores.

Well, maybe not...

But it's been my
experience that people

With obvious analytical
minds as you have

Are warm, sensitive human beings

With a great sense of humor.

Well, thank you.

Did you happen to hear the
one about the univac s

Talking to each other?

Dietrich?

Yeah?

Got a minute?

Right.

The punch line is...

"Not in my databank you won't."

I'll fill it in later for you.

What's with fine?

Uh, I got ahold of
somebody in personnel.

They say he definitely works
there, but he's on vacation,

And they're trying to
contact his supervisor now.

Hmm. How about the stamps?

Nothing on a hot sheet.

Really?

Curiouser and curiouser.

Indeed.

It's from alice in wonderland.

Yeah, I know what it's from.

Did you happen to catch
the x-rated version of it?

No, but I'm sure you did.

Yeah.

Now I know why the cheshire
cat's grinning all the time.

I demand to be
kept away from that evil woman!

Don't worry. We're going
to keep you all safe and snug.

You don't seem to
understand. She has powers!

I don't need
my powers to chop you down,

You pigeon of a man!

I call upon the spirit
of my grandmother!

Hey, hey, hey! You can make
your call anytime you want.

Just be quiet for
a minute, okay?

Harris, what, uh...

You're not going
to believe it, barn.

Try me.

The disturbance
call we answered

Turned out to be the
apartment of miss wiley here.

I prefer to be
called mother zilla.

Right.

We entered mother's place,

And she and this joker here
were screaming at each other

And flinging objects
all over the room.

Man, you're making
it sound so foolish.

I was just trying to make
her remove the curse.

The curse?

Oh, didn't I tell you
about the curse?

Well, man, tell him
the whole story.

She is an obeah woman.

Oh, lord, at last. The
toad is speaking the truth.

I am obeah.

Dietrich.

Right. Obeah in
jamaican culture,

A form of voodoo
originating in africa...

Supposed supernatural
powers, spiritual guidance,

That sort of thing.

You see, he understands.

Oh, don't encourage him.

All right, who's charging who?

Mother here is charging this
guy with as*ault and trespassing.

This guy is, uh...
Dr. Anthony keeling.

Doctor?

Yes... Ear, nose, and throat.

Johns hopkins class of ' .

Harris, you want
to book dr. Keeling?

This is all part of
her spell! I know it is!

Oh, come on, doc!

Come where?

To the world of reality.

Uh, mother zilla?

Mother, would you have
a seat right over here?

Thank you.

Sergeant wojciehowicz
will be glad

To help you fill
out your complaint.

Wojciehowicz.

I bet it mean "man among men."

I don't know.

I guess it could.

You guys have a lot of
fun around here, huh?

Yeah, well, we manage
to have a laugh or two

At humanity's expense.

Could be more yucks.

Hello.

Address?

Central park west.

Classy neighborhood.

I know.

Phone number?

She is staring at me again.

Well, ignore it. She
just wants attention.

Phone number?

Quit staring at
me, you evil woman!

For god's sake!

Your soul is mine,
anthony keeling!

I reject that in the name
of all that is sacred!

Oh, this is really embarrassing.

It is mine! It is mine!

Let's have no more spells, no
more curses, no more shouting.

- Captain?
- What?

That was mr. Fine's
supervisor on the phone.

He wants us to hold him
until he gets down here.

It seems that
mr. Fine is suspected

Of embezzling over half a
million dollars from the firm.

- Half a million dollars?
- Yep.

Mr. Fine, do you, uh...

Do you realize what it is
you're being accused of?

It's true. I admit it.

And, frankly, it's a relief
just to get it off my chest.

Honesty is the
best policy, mr. Fine.

Of course, insanity's
a better defense.

Listen, i, uh...

I'm afraid I won't
be able to get home

Quite as early as
I thought I would.

Uh, no, something kind
of complicated came up.

I'm... I can't just walk.

I will be there.

Oh, come on, hey.

Come on, not dessert
again, will you?

Hey, I got work to do.

Captain? Whoops.

Uh, I'll...

I'll see you as soon as
I can... As soon as I can.

I wasn't thinking. Like a
fool, I came crashing in.

Forget about it.

No, no, no! Not dinner!

I know what you mean.

Dietrich!

Liz, I will be home
as soon as I can.

Yes, I'll... I'll give him
your regards, yes.

Yeah, i-i... Okay.

Yeah, bye.

Oh, I got a report back
on the stamps that fine had.

Like I suspected,

They're worth hundreds
of thousands of dollars.

Really?

He probably converted
the cash into stamps

So he could carry
them around easy,

Sell them one at a
time... Avoid suspicion.

- It's pretty shrewd.
- Yeah.

All right, let me know as soon
as the supervisor shows up.

Right.

Something else?

Oh, i-i couldn't help
overhearing the conversation.

Yes?

I heard something about regards.

- Oh.
- Thought maybe...

No, you're right, you're
right. They're yours.

Take them and get out.

Thank you.

Okay.

'Cause i...

I wouldn't want them
if they were for wojo.

Of course.

- I'm flattered.
- Good.

- I'm gone.
- Bye.

Mother zilla was hired

By the mother of a
girl I had been dating.

Trifled with some
affections, did we?

I am not a trifling
man, sergeant.

I only went out with the
girl as a favor to her mother.

She turned out to
be a very pretty girl,

But, unfortunately, she
had the manners of a marine.

She got drunk, spit rum
at people, and picked fights.

Spirited, okay.

So I quit dating her.

That is when the
curse was put on me.

Oh, curse, man!

Contributions to stereotypes
are not tax deductible.

I resent that.
You're supposed to!

Unlike you people, sergeant,

I have taken control
of my own destiny.

"You people"?

Which "you people"
are you referring to?

Sergeant, I am
jamaican, I am proud,

And I still have my own beliefs.

Which include still taking
seriously the mumbo jumbo

Of some old woman
waving cat bones

And chicken lips in your face.

Yes.

All right, that part
bothers me a little.

You happy?

Yes, sir?

I'm michael harvey of
levinson and brieston.

Yes, sir. Be right
with you, sir.

Fine!

Uh, mr. Harvey, uh, sir.

You have abused your position!

Yeah, I'm aware of
that, mr. Harvey.

It was just something
that I felt compelled to do.

Have you no remorse?
No... No penitence?

No.

Just the half million.

Ah, I'm captain
miller, mr., Uh...

Michael harvey, vice
president in charge of finance.

Captain, we've been
aware of fine's activities

For many months now.

However, I'm sure you're aware

That electronic embezzlement
can be a very tricky matter.

No, that's really not in
my area of expertise, no.

In any case, we want
to thank you very much.

Now, if you will just
release mr. Fine in my custody,

We'll see that... Whoa, whoa.

Did you say, "release
mr. Fine in your custody"?

There's no question
about it. That's what he said.

- We all heard.
- All right, fine.

We, uh...

The firm would prefer to
treat this matter internally.

Mr. Harvey, can I see
you in my office a minute?

If you insist.

Adamantly.

I'll be back.

I'll be here.

Come on.

Put you in the cage.

So, I am to be penned
up like a dog, eh?

You can pretend to be
any little animal you wish.

Perhaps you wouldn't be
so condescending, sergeant,

If you had ever experienced
firsthand the powers of obeah.

You know, I've never been
inside a refrigerator, either,

But I'm quite sure the lights go
out when the doors are closed.

Man!

It will work now.

Of course it will work.
I shook it up enough.

See? I told you.

Can one ever be
positive what goes on

In one's refrigerator?

The point is, captain,
we are a brokerage firm.

People trust us
with their money,

Sometimes huge sums of money.

Now, what kind of confidence
would you have in a firm

That would allow itself

To be ripped off for
half a million dollars

By some $ , -a-year
proletariat?

Somehow I just can't seem
to get over the feeling

That there's something
of an incentive here

In condoning that
kind of behavior!

Nobody's condoning anything!

I mean, he'll be reprimanded,
possibly dismissed!

How brutal.

You know, there's something
we're both forgetting,

Mr. Harvey.

What's that?

The money.

Your man told me on the
phone he converted it to stamps.

And unless you press charges,
those stamps belong to him.

And he'll give it back.

- Why?
- Why?

Why?

Look, sergeant,
do you have any idea

How long they're
going to be in there?

Well, discussing procedure
doesn't usually take too long,

But, uh, deciding the
fate of a human being...

Hey, give him a
couple of minutes.

Okay, dietrich.

Turn mr. Fine loose.

Uh, barn, uh, mother zilla's
dropping the charges.

Oh?

Yeah, i, uh, pointed out to her
that she could do a lot more

To punish him with her powers

Than new york
city could with its.

You're learning.

All right, sweep it clean.

Okay. Clemency. Everybody goes.

This way.

Fine, I think you'll find
the firm very lenient

On this matter.

All we want you to
do is return the money

And submit your resignation.

No further action will be taken.

And what do I get out of this?

You don't go to jail.

No, what I want,
mr. Harvey, is a raise.

Yeah, and a new title... Uh,
director of data security.

Hey, I kind of like that.

This is unconscionable.

And the office next to yours.

I don't believe...

Mr. Harvey, you want
to sign that complaint?

We'll be glad to
take it from there.

How much of a raise?

, .

- Out of the question.
- Stuff it.

You got it.

Thank you, captain.

Here's the stamps.

I'll take those.

You know, those stamps have
probably appreciated more

Than the ,
you'll be paying me.

So it's not such
a bad deal, mike.

"Mike"?

Oh, didn't I mention that?

You know, you were right before.

Honesty is the best policy.

Of course, a little
luck doesn't hurt, either.

You know, somebody once
said, "true luck consists

"Not in holding the best
of the cards at the table,

But knowing just when
to rise and go home."

Huh?

Get out of here.

Well, this looks like
goodbye, wojo man.

And thank you.

For what?

For treating me like a lady.

It's no big deal.

Oh, yes, it is.

And if some people
will try a little kindness

And respect first,

Perhaps the powers that
be will be more tolerant.

Now, obeah can be
for good or evil.

Now, you remember
that, anthony keeling.

And respect.

I remove the curse.

Ahh.

Mother zilla, what can
I ever do to repay you?

$ .

Mother zilla cannot eat respect.

You have a great stare.

Hell of a night... From
voodoo to computers.

And I don't
understand either one.

I mean, a guy steals a
half a million dollars

And walks out of here with a
raise in pay and a better job?

Not exactly his just desserts.

Dessert? Oh, my god!

You think he'd
never eaten before.

Wojo, I updated the log.

Just make sure the
watch command...

Sir, I worked up these
manpower reports.

They're all wrong.
Do them again.

Stop right there!

Stop right there...
And take this.

What is it?

Don't worry.

You wave this two
times over your bed,

And souls who are separated
will soon be reunited. Huh?

Wojo!

I didn't say anything. Honest.

It will be all right. Here.

Thank you.

Not to worry, not to worry.

- She said...
- Two times.

Two times.