05x24 - Jack Soo, a Retrospective

[bunniefuu]

Did you know it was
our third anniversary?

Pardon me?

It was three years ago today

You, me, wojo, and barney
began working together.

We were already here.

Yeah, right.

I guess there's no reason
you should really give a damn.

I only mention it because it
means a little to me, that's all.

Arthur, look, uh, actually,

I'm really glad you
remembered, man,

'Cause all in all,

I've really enjoyed the three
years we've had together.

- Yeah, well, same here.
- Hey.

I didn't get you nothing.

It's all right.

Here.

- Here, what?
- Here they are.

Manpower reports,
overtime requests.

Thank you, zatelli.

Sure.

You know, zatelli,

Attitude is one of the
most important factors

Affecting career advancement.

I heard that.

Look, I know it can get
discouraging down there.

But, you know, it wasn't that
long ago I was in uniform...

Bringing up the mail,
doing the typing, the filing,

And all the other dirty work.

Yeah, it was yesterday.

See?

I'll bring up the mail
the second it gets here.

Inside.

That kind of place
deserves to be robbed.

We're real grateful.

What'd he do?

Stuck up one of those
adult bookstores

Over on nd avenue.

"Adult"? All them
books are filthy.

Well, they may have
some redeeming value.

What are you talking
about? You can't hock them.

Wanna get him outta here?

Sit down. Come on, come on.

Hi.

Why, lieutenant. What
a delightful surprise.

Barn, shall I put
the bribes away?

Okay.

I like a good sense of humor.

Well, scanlon, what brings
internal affairs around?

No, no, no. That's what I
really like about you guys.

I mean, you're a very
tight group, very funny.

Oh, is this a social visit?

See you in the office.

Uh, captain?

Got a disturbance at
siegels department store.

Uh, you and harris.

Okay.

Hey, dietrich. Whoa, whoa, wait.

What do you... What
do you think he wants?

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it?

Hey, I'm the guy who
always has to go in there

And explain something.

I got to go now.

I mean, I go in there, I think
I'm never gonna come out.

If I don't see you again,
happy anniversary.

"And I have been assigned
to the th precinct

"For the last several years,

"During which period

"My h*m*
has gone undetected.

"I am now revealing my existence

"So you will know that
there is at least one of us

"On the new york police
force who is doing his job

"And functioning
productively and healthily,

"As captain miller would verify

"If he were aware
of the situation.

"I would like to be able to
sign my name to this letter,

But at this point, I feel
that it would be unwise."

And then... He doesn't sign it.

That's too bad.

Knowing the, uh...

Close relationship you
enjoy with all your men,

I thought you might
be able to, well,

Give me a hand in identifying
the party in question.

If I'm not mistaken,

Municipal policy guarantees
equal opportunity to everyone,

Regardless of sexual preference.

The department
agrees with all of that.

We just want to
get a better idea

As to whether or not
the situation is widespread

Or just some isolated pervert.

There'll be no
disciplinary action taken.

Department still feels that
what a cop does on his own time

Is his own business.

Then why are you
so eager to find him?

So I can tell him that.

Listen, the handcuffs
really aren't necessary.

They're new. I'm
like a kid with them.

Harris: uh, barn?

This is george alsop.
He went amok in siegel's.

Somebody had to do something.

Everywhere you go, it's there,

Infesting your will,
destroying your mind.

My second guess.

Broke into the room
where the music comes from.

When we got there, he was going
at a tape recorder with an a*.

a*? Where'd he get an a*?

Hardware.

I take it siegel's is
pressing charges?

No, they were only
leasing the equipment.

But the company is.

Actually, it's not the
company's property.

It's their competitor.

Yeah, it was the
automated moods, inc.

They're sending somebody down.

I couldn't take it anymore.

All day, all those
mind-numbing, syrupy melodies...

"The sound of music,"

"Mona lisa."

"Whistle while you work."

You know, in that
elevator of theirs,

They have been playing
"you light up my life"

For the last two years!

Cruel, I agree.

But that does not
justify your actions.

Wait a minute...
Show him the article.

Oh, he was carrying
this clipping.

"Music hath charms."

You see, what they are doing now

Is taking little
subliminal messages

And putting them
under the music.

"Buy more." "Be honest."

"Don't steal."

I never heard that.

This is all very
fascinating, mr. Alsop,

But I'm afraid we're
gonna have to hold you.

If you just have a...

No, no, no... You
don't understand.

They are trying to take
control of our minds.

If you'll just have a seat
at sergeant dietrich's desk.

They're trying to rob
us of our free will,

Freedom of choice!

All of that will
be in the statement,

But there's other
information we need,

And if you'll just sit at
sergeant dietrich's desk...

- Sit.
- He'll be glad...

Captain, shall we begin?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Uh, gentlemen...

Lieutenant scanlon is going
to be holding informal meetings

With each of you.

About what?

About a matter best
dealt with individually.

About what?

What the captain
is trying to get out

Is that we have here in the th

An officer who has a special...

Affectional preference.

What do you mean,
"affectional preference"?

In favor of boys.

Are you saying one
of us here is... Is gay?

Yeah.

That's disgusting!

Shut up, litke.

I wondered why
you were so rough.

I said shut up!

Let's talk.

Levitt still in there?

Yeah.

Hmm. He's been in there
almost minutes, huh?

You were in there for .

Was i?

Yeah. Well, i...

Just happened to
glance at my watch.

Oh.

Trying to put a dent in
these crime statistics.

What a day, huh?

Yeah.

What's the matter?
You look confused.

Well...

You guys think maybe
somebody else sent the letter

To get internal
affairs on our backs...

You know, like
some kind of joke?

Oh, yeah. Very amusing.

I mean, if there was somebody,
we work with him every day.

How could he hide it?

In fact, most h*m*

Exhibit no pronounced
effeminate characteristics.

And if they do have them,

They can successfully
conceal them

When in the so-called
straight community.

I guess so.

Is scanlon still here?

No, he went downstairs to
check on some of the uniforms.

Is there a question
you'd like to ask me?

Uh, no.

No.

Is there a question
you'd like to ask me?

Maybe later.

I may not be here later.

It doesn't matter.
It's rhetorical.

Hi.

I got the litke report done.

Oh, thank you.

Whoever it is
should, uh... Speak up.

Any speculation in that area
is only gonna create trouble.

It can't be harris.

Wojo!

It is none of your business!

Why, it sure is.

We work together.

And that means that
you have to know

Every little personal detail
in everyone's private lives?

Within reason.

Uh, I don't think
you really want to.

Why not?

Because it could
be, uh... Disillusioning.

I mean, I may have
some personal quirks,

Little preferences,
which if you knew about,

Might surprise you
or even shock you.

But the point is, whether
you're privy to them or not,

We are capable of
working together

Closely and effectively.

What kind of quirks?

I think you missed
the point, wojo.

No, I didn't miss the point. I
understand what you're saying.

I mean... You
piqued my curiosity.

So?

You got piqued curiosity.

It's nothing disgusting?

Not to me.

Mail call!

Harris?

- Yeah.
- Nothing for you.

Dietrich.

Wojciehowicz.

Uh, captain miller.

I'll take those.

No problem. Got to sign for it.

Afternoon mail, sir.

Ah, zatelli.

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

Everything okay downstairs?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Have you spoken to
lieutenant scanlon?

We chatted.

I take it you
didn't, uh... No, sir.

Why me?

I had to trust somebody.

I mean, levitt is
always speaking of you

In the highest terms... Fair,
honest, compassionate...

A little picayune.

Picayune?

That's what levitt says.

I ain't noticed it, sir.

Zatelli...

Zatelli, certainly
you can appreciate

That regulations
require that I report...

You're gonna?

Zatelli, just the fact
that you wrote that letter

Makes me feel that...

You're unhappy with
the present situation.

You would like to come forward.

I want to, but I do,

And they slap me with an
a*t*matic psychiatric, right?

There's no disciplinary action.

But it's still on my record.

Damn it, zatelli, you started
something with that damn letter!

Now, you're gonna have to
make a commitment to finish it!

I don't know, captain.

I mean, I really don't know.

Well, listen, zatelli, maybe...

Maybe being gay and a cop is
an insurmountable problem.

I don't believe that, sir.

I don't know. Think about it.

I mean, there are many instances

That come up during the day...

Interrogation of
prisoners, searches...

Where that might present
somewhat of a conflict.

Maybe you're just
unfit to be a policeman.

I'm a good cop, sir.

Then you should be
able to stand up there

And say with pride
and with dignity

"I am a h*m*,"

Just as I can stand
here and say...

I'm not.

You'd think so.

They told me downstairs
to see captain miller.

They did?

I'm jack corwin,
automated moods, inc.

Oh.

The music man.

Uh, excuse me. Just a second.

I'll see if...

Hey! Shut up!

Yes.

Thank you, zatelli.

Uh, barn, the man from
automated moods is here,

Mr. Jack corwin.

Has no sense of humor.

Mr. Corwin. I'm captain miller.

Why would anyone
do such a thing?

Look at him...
He's like a robot.

Seems mr. Alsop has taken a
serious dislike to your music.

But the whole
purpose of our system

Is to improve the
quality of life,

To cheer, to soothe, and relax,

To make everything
so much more pleasant.

I take it you are
pressing charges?

You bet.

Mr. Alsop destroyed over
$ , worth of stereo equipment

And cassettes.

Well, I got a couple
charges of my own.

What's he talking about?

Mind control. Mass fraud.

I believe what
mr. Alsop is referring to

Is this article which says

That you people have been
inserting subliminal messages

Under your music.

Actually, that wasn't
meant to be publicized.

I mean, it sort of spoils
the whole point of it.

I'd say.

It's the one thing
you people can't take...

The light of day.

Well, as soon as people
find out what you're up to,

They're gonna stop you,

Along with the rest
of your fascist ilk.

I don't dislike you, mr. Alsop.

Believe me,

We're not trying to take
over people's minds, captain...

Just give them some
common-sense guidelines,

A few helpful hints.

The ftc refers to it as
"unfair trade practices."

Yeah, wait till they
hear that in court.

Court?

Can he bring this
all up in court?

It's his trial.

May I use your phone?

Be my guest.

I'm back.

Your office?

Certainly is.

Have a seat.

Now, look...

I don't want to know who it is.

I just want to know
if you know who it is.

I may have my suspicions.

So then you can tell me.

The man has chosen
to remain anonymous.

I want to hear that from him.

Scanlon... Who is it?

Lieutenant, this
entire conversation

Is becoming redundant.

Look, miller, I am not
out to hang the guy.

This, uh... Thing of his,

It's not my cup of tea, but...

I can understand it.

That's very broad-minded of you.

What I mean is that being a
cop is like being in the army

Or being in prison.

It's all guys.

I mean, working side by
side, dressing together,

Showering together,
all-night stakeouts.

True.

And then after spending
the whole day with hookers

And the other
dregs of femininity,

A fresh, clean
cop all in blue...

Might not look so bad.

You know what I mean?

Not at all.

Oh, my sentiments exactly.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I agree completely.

Uh-huh.

Captain miller?

Uh-huh?

I've just spoken with my
superiors, and we agree...

Inasmuch as mr. Alsop

Is obviously a very
disturbed person,

Pursuing this matter is really
not in anyone's best interest.

Uh, what about the , bucks?

We're going to eat that.

Up to you.

Dietrich, you want to
turn mr. Alsop loose?

We're gonna need your
signature on a few forms.

Detective harris will
be glad to help you.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

So soon?

I just want to say this...

If anybody ever gets the idea

That they want to unburden
themselves on a sympathetic ear,

I'm available... A
phone call away.

Well...

Good-bye, captain.

Lieutenant.

You know, we've never been
very fond of each other,

But I've gained a
grudging respect for you.

I mean, as a cop...
And as a person.

I'd just kind of
maybe like to feel

That that feeling was mutual.

It's not.

I was only kidding.

Oh, I was over taking
litke to the tombs.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

- - Levitt: woj.

You just love
that tea, don't you?

Yeah.

And honey.

You know, I guess it's
not that, uh, strange,

A gay cop.

Eh.

I mean, I know it's not you.

But if it was, it
wouldn't matter.

Man...

I mean, I mean it. It
shouldn't be important.

Right.

I mean that for everybody...
You know, dietrich, levitt...

Wojo... You too, barn.

Thank you. And I
echo your sentiments,

And I know I shouldn't
even have to say this.

I know it shouldn't matter,

But since I'm already
dealing with the situation,

As a point of information,

It is not directly relevant
to anyone in this room.

Is that clear?

What I'm saying?

- Sure, barn.
- Yeah.

All right. Fine.

Now we can turn our attention

To the more mundane
problems of the day,

Such as "will I finish my
arrest reports before : ?"

"Have I completed my filing?"

I've asked myself that.

Weren't you gonna work up
those crime statistics for me?

Yes, sir.

Did you want these
categorized by date and type?

- If you don't mind.
- Thank you.

Unless you feel I'm
being too picayune.