06x05 - The sl*ve

[bunniefuu]

Dietrich: here you go, carl.
This will warm you up.

Jack frost has
certainly arrived.

Actually, it's a cold
front out of canada.

Saw the first star.

No kidding.

Remember when you were a kid,

Making your first
wish on a star?

Yeah, it was .

The government of jacobo árbenz,

The leader of guatemala,

Was toppled by a
right-wing faction.

I wished for the safety
of him and his family

And his speedy return to power.

I wanted skates.

I already had a pair.

Anything from maintenance yet?

No. They've been
busy for minutes.

Probably got the damn
phone off the hook.

Mm. Till spring.

We're just gonna have to
put on some warm clothes

And bundle up a bit.

Oh, barn, I hate to bundle up.

Who am I to hide all this?

Come on.

I didn't ask you to pull me out.

Just get in here.

You're supposed to be
a cop, not a lifeguard.

Who you got here?

This is edward
yaekel. Turn around.

Hey, hey, hey, you're all wet.

I consider myself
pleasantly moist.

I was on my way, barn,
and I ran into this joker.

He jumped into that
fountain over by the park.

The heat was unbearable.

Where?

In here.

I had to wade in
there to get him out.

And then he gets a startle,
takes a couple swipes at me.

I didn't mean to. My skin
was starting to crackle.

Yeah, we heard it all before.

He don't understand.

I'm a combustible.

I could self-incinerate
at any moment.

Sounds serious.

Sounds like s.h.c...
Spontaneous human combustion.

Oh, that again?

Nobody knows how
or why it happens,

But it seems that, under
the proper conditions

And with no explainable reasons,

Certain people are not only
capable of going up in flames

But also projecting tremendous
amounts of fire and heat

Telekinetically.

Right.

Wojo, you want to
take care of mr. Yaekel?

Not really.

Dietrich.

Yaekel.

I wish you wouldn't
encourage these people.

There are documented cases.

Dietrich, people do not burst
into flames spontaneously,

And your lending
credence to that idea

Merely serves to reinforce
an already deluded notion

And only makes our job
that much more difficult.

All right, simmer down.

Simmer down?

Excuse me.

Lewd behavior...
Lascivious dancing...

Flagrant nudity.

Yes, sir, we'll be sending
someone right over.

Yes, myself, if I can swing it.

Oh, a merchant
over on rd avenue

Complaining about a jiggle joint

- Next to his shop.
- I see.

- It's a topless bar, sir.
- Thank you.

Just trying to paint
a picture with words.

Okay, um...

You and harris.

Yes, sir.

Sergeant harris,
let's get it on.

What?

Uh, I'm going downstairs,

See if I got something
dry in my locker.

And I thought we were going
to get some heat up here.

So did i.

We got to do something, barn.

It's bad enough we got
to be working at night,

But at least we deserve
not to freeze to death.

He's right, you know, barn.

Maybe we ought to
just stop rolling over...

You know, stop answering
calls, stop helping other people

Until we can get some
consideration for ourselves.

Harris, there is
an energy crisis.

There are conservation
restrictions.

We just have to bite the
b*llet and do the best we can.

Which reminds me, sir,
I put it in your office.

- What's that?
- The heater you asked for.

Uh, thank you, levitt.

Plugged in and ready to go, sir.

- Thank you, levitt, thank you.
- My pleasure.

I'll be in my office.

Hmm. No kidding.

You guys got any
iced tea around here?

What do you want to
do, drink it or sit in it?

Sure, make jokes.

You don't know what it's like,

Never knowing whether
you're going to wake up a person

Or a pile of soot.

I mean, you can
never make plans.

Occupation?

Are you kidding?

Who's going to hire
a flamer like me?

Oh, boy.

Home address?

East th.

But I'm never there.

Pretty much live at the
bath house over on canal.

Oh, yeah?

I sleep in mud.

Hey, look, it's none
of my business,

But don't you think

That you're going to
an awful lot of trouble

For something that's
just in your head?

I've been evicted five
times in two years

Because my
apartment caught fire.

Is that in my head?

I take the subway, somebody's
times goes up in smoke.

I walk into a department store,
the sprinkler system turns on.

What do you call that?

Coincidence.

Get out of here.

Okay, ladies, you want
to step in here, please?

I'll be right with you.

Come on, come on, shake a leg.

Don't get them started!

Hey, I don't do requests.

What do we got here?

It's a couple of dancers

From the club
aphrodite bop and grope.

Sir, this is the complainant,

Ivan kessler, kessler's
new and used books.

This is captain miller.

Filth!

How do you do?

Harris: barn?

Excuse me.

This is miss theresa
taxco and stephanie wolf.

They're members of the
bolshoi bump and grind.

Hi.

A genuine pleasure,
I'm sure, captain.

Miss taxco is the
artistic director

And also the
manager of the club.

Aside from my obvious
physical qualities,

I also have a flair
for the administrative.

When we got there, the
chairperson of the board

Was gyrating
from table to table,

Enticing the stockholders

To stuff dollar bills
down her portfolio.

Captain, you should
see them convulsing

Naked and
shamelessly to the b*at

Of wild and barbaric rhythms.

Wasn't exactly
the hokeypokey, sir.

They were also serving
alcohol to minors.

They're intoxicating
the mind of young people

With liquor and smut!

I take it you're
lodging a complaint.

All these dens of iniquity

Must be wiped from
the face of the earth.

A simple "yes" will do.

All right, all right.

Mr. Kessler, you
want to have a seat

Over there at
sergeant harris' desk?

Oh, thanks, barn.

Miss taxco, if you'll
go with officer levitt,

- And, miss wolf...
- I'll take her.

He's one of us.

Shall we?

All right, señorita,

Empty your pockets and put
your valuables on the desk.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you, poco?

Sit down.

What about the
owner of the club?

We don't know who that is yet,

But we'll check with
the liquor authority

And let you know as
soon as we find out.

Fine.

You'll be in your office?

In and out.

Oh, barn, do be careful.

That's how we catch cold.

Can I get you something...
Coffee, a buick?

Uh, yeah.

Black... The coffee.

In my shop, I keep all the great
masterpieces of literature...

"The brothers karamazov,"
"w*r and peace," "moby-d*ck."

And you know what they
come and ask me for nowadays?

- "Scruples."
- Tsk.

"Cruel shoes."

What are cruel shoes?

You know, I can really
relate to how you feel.

Hmm?

Well, I mean, I do have
some personal interest

In the current
trends in literature,

What with my first
novel coming out and all.

Kind of caught
you off guard, huh?

Not really.

Nowadays, every bumpkin off the
street can get a book published.

No offense meant.

Oh, none taken.

What's the difference anyhow?

The same thing always happens.

Your book comes out with
a lot of hype and hoopla.

It fizzles on the shelves,

And then, bingo,
it's out of print

And I'm stuck with
copies in my bargain bin.

Sorry to burden you.

Here you go.

Thanks.

I need this to keep awake.

Why, you getting bored here?

No, I'm just tired.

I've been up the last
few nights cramming.

I never heard it
called that before.

I'm a student.

I'm going for my
master's at columbia.

You taking phys ed?

Cultural anthropology.

Really?

That's funny, because
that's sort of a hobby of mine.

No kidding?

Particularly fascinated

By the mating and courtship
rituals of primitive cultures.

Yeah?

Yeah, like, uh...

Take your borneo
tribesman, for example.

Okay.

When a young, eligible lady

Wants to encourage
a prospective suitor,

She invites him to
lay his head on her lap

While she very delicately
plucks his eyebrow hairs

With a pair of ritualistic
brass tweezers.

Right.

You think these need a trim?

- Barn?
- Huh?

I checked yaekel
for priors. He's clean.

I'm going to fill out a report
and send it to bellevue.

Look, I didn't ask levitt.

All I said to him was

"If you can find a few
heaters laying around..."

Barn, there's no reason
everybody should freeze.

Here.

It's just that I can see where,

You know, what I said
about biting the b*llet

Might appear...
Hypocritical? No.

I'm sure you meant
it when you said it.

Of course I did.

You freezing in here

Ain't going to make us
any warmer out there.

Well...

In fact, it kind of takes
our minds off the cold,

Thinking about you.

Yeah?

Whew! It's quite
balmy in here, sir.

What is it, levitt?

Excuse me, barn. I'm
gonna get out of your way.

Just got off the phone with
the state liquor authority.

You know that strip joint?

It's owned by the government.

Ours?

All I know is they gave
me a referral number

For the department of
energy office in new york.

I left a message.

Department of energy?

Don't worry, sir. I didn't
mention the heater.

Oh! Oh, god, it's starting!

- Oh, yeah?
- Do something!

- Get me out of here!
- I'm not empowered.

I'm getting hot. Hot!

- Hey!
- I think I'm starting to boil!

Put a lid on it.

Very funny.

What the hell is going on?

Get me ice.

I need ice.

- What?
- Sir, he wants ice.

This is it.

I'm going.

Where?

Hey!

- Levitt?
- Yes, sir?

- Get him ice.
- Cubes or crushed?

Whatever.

Here you go.

Sorry. I didn't mean
to flare up like that.

It's okay.

Miss taxco, you were
smoking, weren't you?

What do you think I do...

Smoke over here, flick
my ashes over there?

I'm not that motivated.

Harris?

Mm-mm.

Maybe it was a spark
from your heater.

Or maybe not.

Sir, best I can do.

Snow cones?

Can I apply it to the gentleman?

He looks like he's
cooled down enough.

I'll put them on ice.

You know, there are many places

Where nudity and the
exhibition of the female body

Are not only
considered respectable

But are even revered.

My place, for one.

Also polynesia, africa,
parts of the orient.

My place is closer.

Look, if you've got
something to say,

Why don't you just
drop the anthropology

And stop b*ating
around the bush?

Now we're talking aborigines.

Can I help you?

I'm neil spencer,
department of energy.

Oh, spot-check?

Hey, neil.

Hey, what the hell happened?

I left you in charge.

Call me irresponsible.

I'm captain miller.

I'm neil spencer,
department of energy.

Hey, you told me you
were with organized crime.

How about that?

I'm a little confused,
mr. Spencer.

What is the u.s. Government
doing owning a topless bar?

Government? What's
he talking about?

I wouldn't know.
I wasn't informed.

If we could talk in private, I
could clarify the situation.

Certainly.

I smell a cover-up!

We're still new.

Give us a chance.

Li'l levitt.

How come you didn't tell me the
department of energy was coming?

Well, I was in the...

It's just that I hate it when
company drops in unexpectedly.

When I found out, I went
right to captain miller.

Well, look, in the future,
when or if we work together,

I'd appreciate it very much
if you'd keep me apprised

Of what you're doing.

Yes, I certainly will.

Fine.

- I'm going to the bathroom now.
- Thank you.

I'll keep you posted.

You see, earlier this year,

We discovered that we
had in the department

A sort of a
counterproductive functionary.

An embezzler.

Of course, he was apprehended,

But not until he had made
a number of acquisitions

With the money he had taken.

One of which was
the club aphrodite?

Apparently, he had a
weakness for that sort of thing.

Ah.

Well, regardless,
after the trial,

The department
took possession of it.

I have been assigned

To oversee the
operations of the club,

To get it out of the
red so we can unload it

And recover some
of your tax dollars.

I certainly appreciate that.

So why don't we
forget the whole thing?

I'm afraid it's not that simple.

There's been a complaint
lodged by a citizen.

Just one?

If that citizen insists

On proceeding
with that complaint,

We have no choice
but to forward it

To the district
attorney's office

For full prosecution.

Well, that's... That's
all I need, captain.

As if I don't have enough
problems already.

Oh, I'm a very busy man.

Wet-nursing a bunch of sleazy
bimbos, picking out costumes,

Haggling over liquor prices,
approving cocktail napkins.

Have you ever read the
jokes on those things?

Not recently.

I am supposed to be working
with the energy crisis,

Enforcing
conservation guidelines,

Ordering regional
fuel allocations.

Do you know what I
ordered yesterday?

- I wouldn't have the...
- Beer nuts.

Sorry.

Is that yours?

Thanks
for pitching in.

Is it true you go into
flames just like that?

Yes.

I find that very
exciting in a man.

Oh, yeah?

It adds a certain element
of danger to a relationship.

I mean, two people
intertwined in passion,

Knowing that at any moment,

Without any warning,
you could go poof...

Ashes.

Do you mind mud?

Well?

Kessler, this is mr. Spencer
of the department of energy.

Scum!

Yes, well, mr. Kessler,

I want to apologize for
this little misunderstanding,

But I'm sure we can
come to some agreement

Without any
further legal action.

I want all of them behind bars!

I'm afraid mr. Kessler
appears unswayed.

Uh, mr. Kessler,

You simply cannot go and
arrest the federal government.

Mr. Kessler, what
mr. Spencer is trying to say

Is that this is a very
delicate and uncharted area.

So?

So, in order to
proceed in this matter,

We would have to issue
warrants not only to mr. Spencer,

But to the
secretary of energy...

Okay. Do it.

Okay, harris,

Let's issue a warrant to
the secretary of energy.

Who is...

I knew it this morning.

Look, mr. Kessler, I'm
sure that, given time,

We could find out who
the secretary of energy is

And issue the proper warrants

For the proper government
officials, et cetera,

But, you know,

It occurs to me that
might not be necessary.

Sure, when you stop and consider

The past record of
the federal government

In managing any
enterprise of any sort,

Given a little time,

They could put that
club out of business

Without any help from us.

Like amtrak!

Perfect example.

And I'm certain that
mr. Spencer here

Will see to it that
the club is run

In a lawful and ethical manner.

We could try that.

What do you say, mr. Kessler?

All right, I'll let
them off this time.

You won't regret it.

We appreciate your cooperation.

Good night, captain.

Mr. Kessler.

Goodbye, sergeant.

It was such a pleasure
of having met you.

Let's do it again real soon.

And, you, just be sure

That the club is
kept on an up-and-up.

And keep that
hamilton what's his name

Out of there, too!

Is that it, captain?

Except for that citation
for selling liquor to minors.

But the ladies can go?

Yeah. Levitt.

- Yes, sir.
- Turn miss taxco loose.

Miss wolf, you are
free to go, as well.

Hey, shake 'n bake...
Take care, huh?

I enjoyed our conversation.

- Anytime.
- Oh, yeah?

Look, if you ever get
the urge to catch my act,

Here's my telephone number.

Thanks.

Nice touch.

Miss taxco?

Sign here.

Whatever you say, poco.

You called me that all
night... Poco. What is that?

Uh, it means, uh... Macho.

I thought "macho" meant macho.

Incidentally, captain, on
behalf of the energy department,

I'd like to commend you on
the briskness of this room.

Our pleasure.

Our pleasure?

Yes, and I'm sure when
summer rolls around,

You'll maintain the same spirit

In regards to the
air-conditioning.

We don't have air-conditioning.

We sweat like pigs.

Good.

Captain.

Mr. Spencer.

Levitt: sir?

- I'll get on it right away.
- What's that?

Your air-conditioner.
About , btus should do it.

Levitt...

Okay, yaekel, let's go.

You're getting out.

Bellevue, huh?

No. Uh, we're going to give
you a desk-appearance ticket,

And then you're being released
on your own recognizance.

Is he kidding?

No.

Don't you guys think I'm crazy?

Don't you think I need help?

Tell you the truth, mr. Yaekel,

I'm not sure whether you need
a psychiatrist or an internist.

You can go.

Ah, thanks.

Listen.

Good luck on your midterms.

Thank you.

You know, I'm pretty
busy most of the time.

Oh, that's all
right. I understand.

But this thursday,
I've got a seminar,

"Kinship rituals
of the samoans,"

If you'd like to sit in.

Sure, I'd love to.
We could pass notes.

Yeah.

Maybe we could go
have a drink after.

Why not?

See you thursday.

You bringing the tweezers?

You think you're hot?