06x06 - Strip Joint

[bunniefuu]

It's monday. Why not?

Hello.

Hello.

Can you say hello? Hello!

- Hello.
- Hello.

We'll talk later.

Who's the jailbird?

- A little obvious.
- It's a little obvious.

- Morning, guys.
- Hello.

Hey, I see you
met, uh, crackers.

Crackers?

You thought I was obvious.

I take it crackers
belongs to you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got him this morning.

He's kind of cute, ain't he?

I also take it he is not
a permanent addition

To our squad.

No, no, I'm gonna
take him home tonight.

Yeah.

I, uh, saw him in a pet-shop
window this morning,

And, uh...

I don't know, I just
had to have him.

That's not surprising.

People have been fascinated
by exotic birds for centuries.

Chinese noblemen were so
enamored of these creatures

They let them fly
inside the palace.

Inspiration for egg-drop soup.

I'm walking.

I hope you and crackers
will be very happy.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I figure a bird,
you know, is no problem.

They don't get in your way.

They stay in their
cage, you know?

And, well, they
respect your privacy.

And they don't go
trying to change you.

Don't talk back.

Not yet.

Oh! What a beautiful morning!

Little hazy on the meadow.

Forget it.

You're in a good
mood this morning.

Purpose
is our nexus...

The common thread that
binds our lives as one.

You know who said that?

I did.

In here.

My book about us...
It's gonna be published.

Wojo: hey, all right!

You're kidding!

Thank you, barney.

I mean, congratulations.

That's quite a breakthrough.

Yeah.

Barn, if this book hits,

It's gonna mean a
paperback deal...

A magazine serialization,
movie version.

Of course, I'm gonna
be working here

At least through
the end of the day.

I appreciate that.

No, no, I got it.

Barn? We got a jumper.

Some guy's trying
to leap off a ledge.

All right, uh, you and dietrich.

Wojo, is that your parrot?

Yeah, I just got
him this morning.

Hey, hey, look, man, um,

I really didn't mean
to one-up your bird.

You know, with my book and all.

It's okay.

He didn't want to
ruffle your feathers.

Maybe I'll do
better on the ledge.

Particularly amusing section?

Yeah, it's about you.

Really?

Oh, it's not at
your expense, barn.

It's just one of those
clever things you say,

You know, when you want
us to get back to work.

Good.

Then I don't have to come
up with something new.

Uh, back to work.

What happened
to "precinct diary"?

Oh, uh, the title?

Well, barn, they figured
it needed something

A little less academic,

You know, a little
more provocative?

"Blood on the badge"?

Catchy, huh?

Oh, barn, did you, uh...

Want to take a look
at the dedication?

"To captain miller.

"Written with all
the... Admiration

Befitting a respected superior
and a truly good friend."

That's really nice.

Which is why I really
hate to bring this up.

Release?

Yeah, barn, it's
just a formality.

You know how publishers
worry about lawsuits,

Libel, defamation
of character...

Just silly little
things like that.

I'll be in my office.

I'll hold your calls.

Leave me alone! What did
you have to stop me for!?

I wasn't drawing a crowd!

It's a fickle city.

I didn't ask anybody
to save my life!

We don't require
an invitation, mr., Uh...

Walter elkins.

Mr. Elkins.

Yeah, uh, barn?

He was on a th-floor ledge,

And he was screaming and
waving a telephone around.

That's when we yanked him in.

A telephone?

I couldn't take it anymore.

I mean, my job... It
finally just got to me!

Mr. Elkins works as a
volunteer on a su1c1de hotline.

Really?

Until now.

All day, all night,
they never stop calling.

"I'm so depressed, walter!"

"Nobody likes me, walter!"

"I'm such a schlump, walter!"

- Mr. Elkins...
- Walter.

Walter... The last
straw was the lady.

She calls every
day. The same junk!

"Life is pointless.
The world is sick.

People are better off dead."

I finally realized...
She's right.

Come on, things are
never as bad as they seem.

Don't you think I've said that?

Uh, have a seat
over there, mr., Uh...

Dietrich, you want to, uh...

Sit down over there, walt?

Look alive!

Might as well call bellevue.

Yeah.

It's crazy, though, huh?

I mean... Guy wants
to help people so bad

He ends up needing help himself.

Hmm.

Unfortunately,

A little compassion can
often lead to a lot of sorrow.

That's pretty good.

Appropriate.

A lot better than "things
are never as bad as they seem."

I'll call bellevue.

Photographs, fingerprints.

You're wasting your
time on a dead man.

It's a slow day.

They've already drained
me of every human feeling.

I'm... I'm a zombie

Just trudging around
on instinct alone.

"Night of the living dead."

What?

Classic horror film

Where the dead come
back to haunt the earth,

Eternally condemned
to sustain themselves

By the eating of human flesh.

You don't scare me.

I'm still gonna k*ll myself.

Bon apetit.

- Say, arthur.
- Yes.

- You got a minute?
- Sure.

I, uh, I assume you're
familiar with this.

Yeah, it's a standard
release form.

Yeah, everybody's
got to sign one.

It's, you know,
just a formality.

No, thanks.

Hmm?

I don't want to sign it.

Oh, what's the matter?

Oh, you, uh, want to
read the manuscript first?

No, I'm sure it's fine.

Then why won't you
sign the release?

It's personal. I'd
rather not discuss it.

Hey, look, man, if
you don't sign it,

You know, I'm gonna have
to cut you out of the book.

Okay.

Yeah, well, um, you know,
it would be no great loss,

But, uh, I got some
publishers waiting.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, I signed it.

Thanks.

I don't know how
personal he gets.

I've just been kind of
skimming through it.

But, uh...

I have already come across
a few references to me that...

A less liberal-minded person
might consider unwarranted,

Even libelous.

You? He generally
refers to you as the...

"The captain's lovely lady."

No, I wouldn't sue
over that, either.

Uh... Liz?

I'll get... I'll
get back to you.

Yeah, I'll call you back.

Wojo?

He's dead.

In the cage?

Where else?

Wojo!

Not him.

Crackers.

Oh, thank god.

One minute he's chirping away,

And the next minute
he's flat out on his back.

What does that mean?
There's no warranty?

Well, you sold me
a defective bird.

I don't know what went wrong.

No, he didn't say
anything before he d*ed.

No, I didn't abuse him!

I didn't even get him
out of the squad room, i...

The squad room.

Yeah, that's
right, th precinct,

Right around the corner.

Listen, I want... Hello?

Hey!

Pbht!

No refund.

He told me to stuff it.

Taxidermy's one option.

Well?

Well, what?

What are you gonna do with him?

You can't just
leave him lying there.

What, you want me to dump him?

Well, I mean...

I know I only had
him a few hours, okay,

But I did get kind
of attached to him.

I'm sure you did, but...

I'd feel funny just
throwing him in the garbage.

I'm not suggesting that.

He's too big for the toilet.

Wojo!

You don't have to make
the final arrangements

This very minute,

But I would appreciate
it if you would make him

A little less conspicuous.

Gotcha.

Can I help you?

They told me downstairs that
mr. Elkins would be up here.

Yeah, he's over there.

May I speak to him?

Sure you can.

Oh.

Walter?

Hmm?

I don't understand.

How could you have
done something like this?

It goes against
everything you've ever said,

Everything you believe in.

Who the hell are you?

I'm myrna dunbar.

So?

We were talking on the
telephone earlier today.

Oh, god.

Schizo myrna?

Right.

We were having that
nice conversation.

Then, suddenly,
I heard a scream.

And then they told me you
tried to jump off the building.

Was it something I said?

You want a cut of the royalties.

Is... Is that it?

Excuse me.

What is it with him?

He say anything to you?

My bird d*ed.

It always happens.

Everything's going great,

And something's
got to screw it up.

Problems?

Dietrich. He won't
sign the release.

And I thought wojo
would be the problem.

That's certainly
dietrich's prerogative.

I, myself, am having
a few difficulties...

If he doesn't sign it, barney,

I'm gonna have to write him out.

That's one solution.

Barn...

This is not easy for me to say,

But dietrich makes
two of my best chapters.

Sorry to hear that.

What is it you want of me?

Well, i-i thought
you might, you know,

Have a few words with him.

Oh? And say what?

You know, the usual stuff.

You mean possibly
offer him some of my, um...

"Unique mixture of compassion,
logic, and perspective,

"Ladled out in liberal

And occasionally
ponderous portions"?

Barney, you're up to
that chapter already?

Just caught my eye.

Barn, what I meant was...

Why don't you tell
dietrich what you told me...

Perhaps he'll sign.

I suppose.

Then that'll leave only one.

What did you do with the bird?

Is that today's paper?

I didn't read it yet.

Is someone going to get that?

I am.

Nobody answered.

Nobody ever knocks.
May I help you?

They told me
downstairs I could find...

Hey!

Him.

What are you doing here, huh?

Come over to pawn off
another dead parrot?

Please, don't raise your voice.

I only came to settle.

Oh, yeah?

Whoa, whoa, what's
going on here?

This is the crook that
sold me a defective bird.

Wojo. Let's cut the insults.

Let him do what he wants.

Verbal abuse I can take.

But a dissatisfied customer
makes for very bad business.

What's this?

The money.

$ ... It's all yours.

Now I'll just show myself out.

Hey, wait, wait, wait a minute.

It's not enough?

Yeah, sure.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, you'd like a few more
dollars for the inconvenience.

I understand.

No!

Oh, you want another
bird!

Or maybe you'd
rather have a bunny?

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Mr., Uh... Tragash,
samuel tragash.

Mr. Tragash, I'm captain miller.

A pleasure.

There seems to be some
misunderstanding here.

What's to be misunderstood?

He's entitled to the
money. He should have it.

Makes sense.

But didn't you tell
sergeant wojciehowicz

You didn't give refunds?

Oh, that was before.

Before what?

Before I knew he was a
preferential customer.

Mr. Tragash, does this
have anything to do

With the fact that
sergeant wojciehowicz

Is a police officer?

Heavens, no, that's
just a happy coincidence.

So you just thought it over

And decided it was the
right thing to do, right?

My very thoughts.

Just somehow I'm
getting the impression

That you think if you don't
give sergeant wojciehowicz

That money, something's
gonna happen to you.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Sure is.

Mr. Tragash, have
a seat, will you?

There are people who
know I've come here.

You're the one person
who's kept me going

These last few months.

And now you try
and k*ll yourself.

I feel responsible.

Oh, it's nothing to do with you.

Not at all?

Don't worry about it.

I worry about everything.

I know.

I mean, there's so
much desolation...

I'm really not in
the mood, myrna.

I was just reading this
article about the boat people.

Oh, please!

When I think about those
poor people drifting

Like flotsam and jetsom...

Nobody wanting them.

Don't do this.

I can't help realizing

The meaninglessness
of our existence,

The utter emptiness
and desolation of life.

Myrna... The inevitable doom...

Oh, for god's sakes, hang up!

Just relax a
moment, mr. Tragash.

I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Look, I can see you
fellows are busy.

I'll just get out of your hair.

Take just a moment.

I'm only making problems.

Would you wait a minute?

I'll show myself out.

- Freeze!
- Oh, god!

Mr. Tragash, we just
can't let you leave like this.

Exactly how do you mean that?

I mean under a completely
mistaken impression.

Oh, really?

Look, I know how
you guys operate.

Hmm?

A citation for this,
a citation for that,

A little rough stuff, and
the next thing you know,

I'm out peddling pencils.

You're crazy!

Okay.

Mr. Tragash,

Have you even had any
experience like that before?

I mean, have any of my men,
or anyone from this precinct,

Ever harassed or
brutalized you that way?

Well, no.

But you see, I moved to
the city only recently.

From where?

Philadelphia.

- Oh!
- Oh!

And the way he yelled
at me on the phone...

But I always do that!

I mean, I wasn't
yelling at you as a cop.

I was yelling at
you as a person.

I see.

We just want to be treated
like human beings around here...

Not any better
and not any worse.

- Really?
- Really.

Then I'll take back the money.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Good day, gentlemen.

Something went wrong there.

I don't mean to depress people.

I guess it's just a gift I have.

Sure.

You know, whenever
I call the hotline,

I always ask for
you, specially...

Even if I have to wait.

I'm flattered.

And sometimes I call

Even if I'm not depressed.

Really.

Just to talk to you...

Because I think you have
so many appealing qualities.

Yeah?

I mean, I think you have

A wonderful sense of the ironic.

Like this, for instance.

Thanks.

Walter, we're going soon.

They're taking me to bellevue.

Oh, they have a very
nice brunch there.

Anyway, uh...

I want to apologize for
yelling at you before.

Actually, I really
appreciate you coming down.

I guess I better go now.

But...

Here.

What is it?

My phone number.

I mean, if you're ever
feeling really down,

You can call me.

I'm usually there... Hours.

I'll remember that.

Goodbye.

So long.

Remember to behave yourself.

Don't do anything I'd do.

That's my sense of the ironic.

Nice lady.

Yeah.

Who knows?

When all this blows over,
maybe I'll give her a call.

Yeah, it would be a
good jumping-off point.

Hey, listen, as long as
we're all being ironic.

Taking him over
to bellevue, huh?

Yeah, fascinating
character if you do a sequel.

Uh, dietrich?

Yeah.

I...

I need you.

For my book.

Oh, really?

You do lend a certain texture
and wit to the narrative,

And, uh... In fact, man...

Your character's
one of the best things

In the whole damn book.

That's very nice of
you to say... Finally.

Hey, look, man,

Sometimes I get so wrapped
up in myself and my own goals,

I-i-i tend to just, you know,

Forget about other people's
needs and expectations.

So where do I sign?

Oh, right here.

Well, I see you gentlemen
have come to an accord.

Uh-huh.

It's better when
personal differences

Can be settled directly

Without the need for
third-party intervention.

Yeah, you get to avoid all
that "ponderous" advice.

Just quoting.