06x11 - The Dentist

[bunniefuu]

Damn.

I can name that
tune in three notes.

That's very clever.

Thank you.

You all right?

Uh, yeah, I'm just working
up some estimates, you know...

Projected revenue from the
sales of "blood on the badge."

Could have borrowed my abacus.

Mm-mm. Not enough beads.

I like your style... Greedy.

- Dietrich: morning, cap.
- Harris: hi, barn.

Gentlemen.

- Hi, barn.
- Woj.

- Barney.
- Yeah.

I heard from my publisher today.

Yeah?

They got in some initial
sales figures, barn,

And it looks like
"blood on the badge"

Is really gonna take off.

Hey.

Barn, they're already talking
about a second printing,

Increasing my
royalty percentage,

Plus, this week,

I should get a big fat check
for the paperback rights.

They're turning my apartment
building into condominiums.

Oh, barn, I'm so sorry.

Live in a place years,

Raise a family there.

Next thing you know,
some corporation

Is buying the place
right out from under you.

And they're just
kicking you out?

No.

They're giving me days

To either vacate the
premises or buy the place.

Well, that isn't fair.

May not be fair,

But more and more
rentals are being converted

Into individually owned units.

Reasons given are
high maintenance costs,

Low profit margins,
et cetera, et cetera.

Analysts are predicting
in the near future,

There'll be virtually no decent
rental property available.

I just made that up.

Why don't I get that?

So, what are you
gonna do, buy the place?

I don't know.

I-i mean, that's a...
That's a big deal.

The last major
financial decision I made

Was to buy this suit.

Well, at least you
got days this time.

Got a disturbance on delancey.

Honest.

Take this one with you.

Okay, rizzo, in here.

Sure, sure. Hey,
this is much nicer.

Captain, this is daniel rizzo.

I picked him up on my way in.

And I really appreciate it.

What?

I just escaped from jail.

Oh, not one of
yours... A competitor.

I was at the corner
of th and bleeker

When I observed the suspect here

Steal a hot dog
from a street vendor.

Hey, I needed something
to chew, for god's sake!

Come on.

You wouldn't believe the
stuff they were feeding me...

Noodles, baby
food, mock apple pie.

Who's they?

- The people who locked me up!
- Who were?

I don't know any names,

But they all live at
the cadden apartment,

The big project
down by the river.

And they kept you
against your will?

Yeah, in a cage in
a stinkin' basement!

- Why?
- That was the sentence.

- What sentence?
- From the trial.

What trial?

Just giving you a breather, sir.

They said I tried to
rob their apartment,

So they had a
trial, convicted me,

And put me in their jail.

Could be vigilantes, sir.

Thank you, levitt.

Pretty shocking, huh?

Put him in the cage
for the time being.

Okay, papillon, over there.

- Did you listen to this?
- Yeah.

Take a run over to
that apartment complex,

See what you can find out,
and take levitt with you.

Come on, levitt.

Hey, barn, as long as
I'm going over there,

You want me to
check on vacancies?

I'm not out on the street yet.

Okay, just looking ahead.

I appreciate that.

Vacancies? Moving, sir?

It's not certain yet, levitt.

They're changing his
building over to condominiums.

Oh, congratulations, sir. I
hear they're all the rage.

Let's go, levitt.

Thank you.

Ah, it was nothing, sir.

In here, mr. Ganz.

The whole purpose of
our work is to help people,

And they treat me like
I'm some sleazy salesman

Pushing pots and pans.

I'm not interested.

What do we got here?

Oh, that's donald ganz, barney.

Broke down the door of an
apartment over on delancey.

Burglar?

Census taker.

Oh.

Is it time for that already?

Mm-hmm.

Ganz, I'm captain miller.
You're with the census bureau?

I'm a regional field enumerator.

- I count people.
- Yes, yes.

They're supposed to fill
out these questionnaires

And send them back,
but nobody does.

Mr. Ganz was in the building

Doing a door-to-door follow-up.

Every apartment, the
same thing... "Go away!"

"We don't want
any!" "Nobody's home!"

That doesn't fool me.

Well, apparently he took a
little more aggressive tack

At the apartment of
one mr. Enrico santini.

I could hear them
inside, lots of them.

So he forced his way in.

He was chasing the santinis
around the apartment,

Trying to count heads.

I had most of them cornered
when they showed up.

Well, regardless, the
entire santini family

Is pressing charges.

Even mama?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, dietrich, you
want to book mr. Ganz?

B-b-but, captain, listen,

People have a legal
and patriotic duty

To provide this information!

I agree, mr. Ganz.

Unfortunately, your
methods were a bit extreme.

I tried being polite, courteous.

And you know what you get?

Profanity, doors
slammed in your face...

I have things to do.

People with things to do.

Nobody cares enough
to take one second

To stand up and be counted!

Sure.

Catch ya next time.

You got a minute?

Over there.

Barney?

Yeah.

Barn, um, I just
want to let you know

That I might be a
couple of minutes late

Getting back from lunch.

I've got an autograph
session over at doubleday,

You know, for "bob."

Bob? Who's bob?

"Bob"... "Blood on the badge."

That's what they're calling
it on the cocktail circuit.

You'll have to forgive me.

I've been a bit
distracted today.

Oh, barney, you still got
that apartment on your mind?

Barney, look.

I mean, you know that
I don't usually pry,

But, um... How much they want?

$ , .

Mnh, for that place.

Oh, barney, I mean, not
that it's a hovel or anything.

That's all right.
That was my reaction.

Well, of course.

Barn, it could be a very
good investment, though.

Yeah, I don't know
if I can swing it.

I mean, I don't know what the
monthly payments would be.

Oh, please, barn, allow me, huh?

Let's see. $ , ...

With % down.

%?

That leaves a
balance of $ , .

At %... %? What's prime?

Oh, don't worry
about prime, barn.

That's for their
really good customers.

That's not you.

Uh, let's see, factor
in closing costs,

Uh, approximate
maintenance fees.

Oh. Taxes.

And, um, let's see...
A few incidentals.

Divided by .

Oh, barn, it must
be the batteries.

If people would only realize

An accurate census is
important for everyone.

It determines political
representation,

Allocation of federal funds.

It's even used in
targeting vital programs.

I know. It's just that today

People are becoming
more and more hostile

And even paranoid about any
kind of government intrusion,

Even when it's for legitimate
and beneficial purpose.

Come on, I got to
put you in the cage.

You know, you are
the first civilian

I have ever spoken to

Who really appreciates
our problem.

Okay, in here, mr. Ganz.

Look, uh, call me don.

And you are, uh... Nice try.

Okay, bender.

Bender, come on.

You can't do this. I'm a
servant of the people.

Just keep moving, all right?

Hey, hey, we've been
looking for you.

Hey, it's too late!

Miss neimier.

You want to stop
dawdling and get in here?

I've never been arrested before!

I don't know the procedure!

We have a right to
keep our homes safe!

Step over here and be quiet.

Mr. Roth, follow my voice.

Okay, okay! I'm
coming, I'm coming.

All right, you're now
entering the squad room.

I know. I've been here before.

Hey, listen, it's not legal

To have us come down
here, you know what I mean?

Woman: I don't have to
put up with anything!

Well, I guess that's lunch.

Um, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I don't want to take it anymore!

Excuse me.

Yeah, you and what army?

Hey, hey, let's
just be quiet there.

Who's speaking?

I'm speaking. I'm
the police officer.

I don't care who you are!

Wojo... What is this?

It's the court.

Hiya, captain. How are ya?

You remember bruno bender.

Oh, yes.

Always a pleasure, mr. Bender.

I'm getting the feeling
that you don't like me.

And these people,
I assume, are, uh...

This is stella neimier.
She's the court reporter.

Will this take very long?

I got muffins in the oven.

I really couldn't
tell you, mrs. Neimier.

Mr. Leon roth, defense counsel.

Mr. Philip lucather,
prosecuting attorney.

Mr. Bender?

I'm the judge.

That figures.

Barn, you should
see this operation.

I mean, they got a
jail in the basement,

They got a rec room
turned into a courtroom

With a jury box and a bench,

The american flag,
picture of nixon.

He's coming back, miller.

You see him at the
ballgame with gene autry?

He looked sensational.

Mr. Bender, according
to mr. Rizzo here,

You tried him,
you convicted him,

And you imprisoned him.

It was a fair trial, too.

Oh, yeah, with him as my lawyer?

I gave it my best sh*t.

Didn't it ever
occur to you people

That you're not
allowed to do this?

Now, hold it. Wait a minute.

We got a charter,

And that makes us the
neighborhood justice center.

Come on, show him
the paper. Go ahead.

Looks official.

That's from the law enforcement
assistance administration

From the justice department.

You ever hear of them?

I'll have to check
this out, mr. Bender.

In the meantime,

We're gonna need some more
information from all of you,

If you don't mind
finding seats...

Anywhere.

Here you go... Bruno.

Uh, mrs. Neimier...

Dietrich, you don't look busy.

Can't fool you.

Would you mind having
a seat over there?

- What about my muffins?
- Park them over there.

Levitt, you want to take a
statement from mister, uh...

You don't remember me, captain?

Huh?

Roth.

Leon roth.

I can't hear shrugs!

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I
don't recognize you.

You arrested me for
shoplifting three years ago.

Oh, right, yes!

And you... You remember
my roommate, mr. Lucather?

Sure. We evicted you!

Right, yes.

Sir, we could reminisce
about the good old days

After the statement,

If it's all right with you?

Fine. Mr. Lucather,
would you step this way?

Hey. My lawyer show up yet?

I'm right here, danny.

Not you, my real one.

What? You're f*ring me?

Yeah.

But I'm still working
on the appeal!

Well, I'm... I'm calling
because I'm, uh...

I'm... I'm in receipt of your,
uh, initial asking price,

And, uh, i...

I might be willing to,
uh, make a counter offer.

Did I say something funny?

Firm.

$ ...

You know...

One might think that
i-i-i would be entitled

To a certain amount
of consideration.

I have, after all,
lived in the apartment

For years.

In those years,
I have paid rent

In excess of $ , .

That might be a crumbled
cookie to you, but...

Look, I wouldn't
be so glib about it.

You know, one of these days

People are going
to start standing up

And refusing to be pushed around

By the big
conglomerates like you

Whose only concern
is the almighty...

For god's sakes, can't
you see where this is going

If it keeps up like this?

We'll have all the rich
people living in manhattan,

All the poor people
living in the bronx.

The society will be
even more isolated

And alienated than it is now.

I don't want to hear
any legal technicalities!

Just give me a final word!

That was two words!

Bender.

What the hell's going
on? What's happening?

It's no big deal.

Wojo: uh, excuse
me, can I help you?

Uh, yeah, I'm charles bogert,

Attorney for the law enforcement
assistance administration.

Are you captain miller?

Uh, no. I'll be right back.

So, uh, how are things
going in washington?

Just great.

It's all over for jimmy, huh?

Sure, nobody cared when
he went to the ballgame.

Mr. Bogert?

I'm captain miller.

Captain, I'm afraid I'm
a little bit confused.

So are we.

These people are part
of a community court,

Authorized and funded
by the government.

Yeah, well, I'm
afraid your court

Has been conducting
criminal prosecutions,

Imprisoning people.

That can't be.

They were empowered

To arbitrate only
community grievances,

Resolve minor
disputes with neighbors.

That was boring.

Can we talk
somewhere in private?

This way, mr. Bogert.

Mr. Bogert?

I work for the government, too.

Yeah, uh, things
are tough all over.

What's the matter
with people today?

You tell me.

Why is everyone
always in such a hurry?

I mean, why can't
people ever take the time

To just stop and
count the flowers?

Who's the dullard?

Basically they're good people.

I guess they just got
a little carried away.

Look, if you release
them in my custody,

I'll assume full responsibility.

I'm afraid it's not that
simple, mr. Bogert.

See, mr. Rizzo has filed a
complaint against them...

False imprisonment,
vi... Can I help you?

Do you want any
of this taken down?

Sorry, I thought she
was going for coffee.

Come on, stella. I'll
give you some shorthand.

Uh, look, captain,

These courts are
functioning very efficiently

In many, many communities,

And I'd hate to see one
unfortunate incident

Jeopardize the program.

I'm afraid there's
nothing I can do about it.

You know, captain,

This couldn't come
at a worse time for me.

I've got many other
problems to handle.

I can say the same thing.

Look, I feel confident we
can work something out,

Arrive at a reasonable
solution to the problem.

Do you know anything
about real-estate law?

What?

Can they do this?

Social security number?

Uh, - - .

Unless they're lying.

Driver's license number?

Moot point. I'm sorry.

Hey, I drive on occasion.

Sure, you answer
all of their questions.

Is that the dullard?

Yes, I'm with the
bureau of census.

No kidding.

You know, mr. Roth,
it's even more essential

For handicapped
people such as yourself

To participate in the census

So that you make sure
the government knows

You're part of the country

And are entitled to your
share of attention and services.

Hey, a guy came to the
door just last week,

Said he was from the census.

I filled out the forms
with him and everything.

Well, good for you!

Encyclopedias came yesterday.

You could get a
temporary injunction.

But that's a waste
of lawyer's fees.

Thanks anyway.

We leaving now?

I am.

What?

Well, there's
nothing more I can do.

Are you cutting us loose?

You'll have to suffer the
consequences of your actions.

That's not fair. I say
we make a run for it!

All right, take it easy!

Captain, we were only
trying to make a place

Safer for us to live in,

And it was working.

Mr. Lucather, I
sympathize with you,

But if everybody went
around doing what you're doing,

In no time, we'd
have... No crime.

The point is, we've
got a judicial system

That we've got to
have a little faith in.

Barn, rizzo's bail ticket's
waiting downstairs.

Nice timing, huh?

Just turn him loose.

Have a seat, mr. Bender,
mrs. Neimier, please.

Captain, I've really
got to get out of here.

I know the feeling.

Good luck to you
all. I'll keep in touch.

Oh, captain, about
your housing dilemma...

Yeah?

There is one other course
of action that occurs to me.

What's that?

Jersey.

Think about it.

- Captain?
- Yeah.

I really appreciate your help.

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, go ahead.

Hey, sorry I can't stay, guys.

But I'll see all you
folks at the trial...

You know, yours.

Get a haircut.

Come on.

That the best you could do?

Sir, I got their statements.

Okay, process them.

Okay, everybody, on your feet.

It's time for
pictures and prints.

Let's fall in.

Form a straight line.

Get in there.

We'll be moving down
the rear corridor

And heading on down
to the second floor.

Marines, huh?

Explorers.

Move out!

Okay, there'll be no talking,

No straggling, no
smoking in the stairwells.

Come on.

Uh, barney, they got
ganz' ticket downstairs.

Okay, send him home.

Oh, talk about humiliation.

Back so soon?

Two hours I was there.

I'm aware of that.

Didn't unload one copy.

We had a few problems
around here, too,

As a matter of fact.

Standing behind a
crummy card table,

People afraid to look at you,

Scared they might
have to buy a book,

Making u-turns
in the aisles, barn.

People walking
past you like this.

I mean, I'm just not
accustomed to being ignored.

Excuse me.

Ganz: captain?

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Goodbye, mr. Ganz.

Actually, this day
wasn't a total loss.

I got to talk to a good
number of people up here.

Well, I'm... I'm glad
you feel that way.

And I realized that
the whole trick

Is in learning how to reach out

And really
communicate with people.

You're absolutely right.

I mean if we...

I don't think he was finished.

Hmm?

Sir, I just thought
you'd like to know

That everyone's been processed

And sent down to
manhattan south.

Fine. Thank you
very much, levitt.

Something else?

It's in regard to your impending
loss of home and hearth.

I, uh, took the liberty
of perusing the paper

And circling some of
the better prospects.

Levitt, I'm... I'm really
not in the mood.

My apologies, sir.

I didn't mean to
show my concern.

Uh, levitt...

Here, come on. Let
me take a look at it.

Yes, sir.

This is the obituaries.

An excellent source, sir.

And I might add, today's
crop passed away

In some of the better
neighborhoods around town.

I really don't think...

Of course, I would allow
a day or two for mourning.

- Levitt!
- I'm on my way out, sir.