06x12 - People's Court

[bunniefuu]

What you got?

Corned beef.

You know, corned beef
has a high ratio of salt

In relation to protein content.

Oh, yeah?

Animal fat is probably
the leading contributor

To heart disease.

The number-one k*ller
in america, heart disease.

So?

You gonna eat that other half?

Go ahead.

Appreciate it.

Right.

You guys open?

Yeah. What can I do for you?

I was here last year,

When you had the open house.

I'm afraid you're a
couple months early.

I got business... A crime.

Take a seat over there,
and I'll get a report form.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

I mean, I see
you're eating food.

That's okay.

I'll be right back.

That's mine.

I mean, I'm not that hungry.

I just had a pigeon.

What, uh, what seems
to be the problem?

Well, it's my friends.

They keep
disappearing, you know?

I mean, they're there
one day and gone the next.

That's kind of an
occupational hazard,

Isn't it?

Yeah, but they're not
leaving on their own.

I mean, this place
we live, the mission...

Somebody's coming
in there at night

And hustling them
out of bed someplace.

Kind of a bum's rush?

I don't make jokes
about your job.

Dietrich...

"Occupation on the floss."

What are you doing,
a crossword, captain?

Yeah, down...
"Occupation on the floss."

"Dentist" doesn't fit.
It's only six letters.

Have you ever noticed

That, uh, most of
our conversations

Tend to be of an
impersonal nature?

Well, I just thought, you
know, maybe you knew...

I mean, we never have a normal,

Everyday conversation

Like you do with the other guys.

Want to have one now?

Sure.

All right.

How's everything going?

So-so. How you doing?

Can't complain.

How's mrs. Miller?

Oh, fine, fine.

- Your kids?
- Good.

What do you got, two of them?

Yeah.

Uh, david will be going
into junior high school.

Rachel will be graduating
from hobart in the spring.

Where does the time go, huh?

Beats me.

What was that, across?

Down.

Harris: uh, barney?

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

I'm sure you
remember mr. Brewer.

Ray.

Yeah, ray. How
are you, ray? Yeah.

Mr. Brewer says that
some of his colleagues

Have been dropping out of sight.

He suspects there
may be some foul play.

It was a nice neighborhood
before the discos moved in.

I'm gonna go check it out.

We'll do what we
can, mr. Brewer.

I'm seriously considering
moving to the suburbs.

Yeah, but then you
got the commute,

You know, the
yard, raking leaves.

Wojo: uh, barney?

Excuse me.

Yeah, we'll take care of it.

That was a call from a
bar over on wall street...

Got some hooker trying
to solicit a law firm.

All right, check it out.

Dietrich.

Miller.

"Occupation on the
floss"... It's "miller."

Oh.

"Mill on the floss" was
a george eliot novel.

Right, right, yeah.

Setting was a mill,
so the occupation...

Yeah, yeah, I got it, dietrich.

Do you need any help
with "blank google"?

Mail call, gentlemen.

I'm not expecting anything.

Th precinct. Levitt.

Unless it's an emergency,

I'm afraid you're gonna
have to call back later.

No detectives are
available at the moment.

No, ma'am, I'm a
uniformed officer,

Not a detective.

Well, it's mostly politics...

Not what you know,
but who you know.

It's a sad state
of affairs. I agree.

It wouldn't hurt
to write a letter.

Bye-bye.

Afternoon, sir.

Levitt.

Your mail.

Thank you.

You've been here long?

Long enough.

Good.

You allow refills?

Sure. Here you go.

Good java.

So how long you been a cop?

Pushing years now.

Gonna make a career of it, huh?

Looks like it.

Well, glad someone's doing okay.

Thank you.

You're probably wondering
how I became a bum.

I figure it's not really
any of my business.

Oh, hey, listen, I'm sorry.

I guess nobody likes to
listen to this kind of stuff.

I'll tell you, i, uh...

Actually, I've always been
quite curious about that.

I mean, just...

What chain of circumstances
would lead someone to, uh...

That... Position in life.

Well, I'll tell you.

Believe it or not,
a few years ago,

I had a good job,
beautiful family,

Nice house, respect
in the community.

Then something happened,
and I became a bum.

Thanks for sharing that, ray.

Any time, barney.

Listen, I'm really
sorry about this.

Oh, look, it's not your fault.

I mean, if I broke the law,

You're gonna have to arrest me.

Yeah, I guess so.

What's that about?

You tell me.

Cap, this is miss laura kirgo...

Solicitation, trespassing,

Disorderly conduct.

Don't go by that.

Huh?

See, she sort of
caused a riot in the bar.

According to the bartender,
she would come on to a guy,

Get him all, uh, interested,

And then drop him and
go on to another guy.

See, no one was right.

My standards... They're
exceptionally high.

That's very commendable.

She wasn't really soliciting...

I mean, for money.

I was just looking for
a suitable volunteer.

For what?

To father my child.

I see.

You do?

I want to have a baby.

It's just that I'm not
particularly interested

In having a husband.

Doesn't that go
with the territory?

Give him time.

Who's pressing charges?

The owner.

He's the only
one she didn't ask.

I never thought this
was gonna be this tough.

I mean, I'm not asking for
a lifelong commitment.

All I want is just a few hours

With a healthy,
reasonably intelligent man.

I'm ray.

Wojo, you want to
take care of miss kirgo?

I'll book her.

That's what I had in mind, yes.

Have a seat.

You know, actually,
more and more women

Are opting for
single motherhood,

Whether through
artificial insemination

Or miss kirgo's method.

It satisfies the
maternal instinct

And also allows them

To maintain an
individual lifestyle.

You want to know what I think?

I think the family unit is
falling apart fast enough

Without behavior like
that to give it a shove.

I guess that eliminates you.

Whew!

What'd you find out?

Well, I don't ever
want to be poor.

Oh, barney, you
should see this place.

I mean...

People are staring
out into space,

Laying up against walls,

Sitting in their
own wine... Domestic!

What did you find out?

Oh, I talked to some
of them, barney,

And they tell pretty much
the same story as mr. Brewer.

I guess a couple of weeks ago

Somebody started
coming in the night

And carting the bums away.

Hmm.

So, what's our next move?

Going undercover?

You know, that's not a bad idea.

Barn, you're not talking
about sending me down there?

Yeah.

Well, he can't go
dressed like that.

No kidding.

Well, the tie is all right.

Uh, why don't you and
ray work out the details

On the wardrobe, huh?

Sure, barn.

Gonna need that jacket?

Of course, I have to find out

About their genetic background.

I have to make sure

That there's no history
of insanity or disease.

Well, that must really
get them in the mood.

My child is entitled
to the best father

That I can find.

I need your address.

West rd street.

I'm not just looking for someone

Who's genetically acceptable.

I'm also looking for a person
with a degree of compassion,

Sensitivity, and perceptiveness.

I think those things
are passed along, too.

Yeah, but it seems to me

That going up to a
bunch of guys in a bar

Is not a very good way of
finding someone like that.

That's a good point.

You're very perceptive.

I just got lucky.

Sure.

Ta-da!

Ha ha!

Inspector luger's back,

And the th precinct's got him.

Hiya, men.

Inspector luger, what
a pleasant surprise.

Same to you, har.

Hey, I read your book.

Oh?

Yeah, I see where
the old inspector

Popped up in there a
couple of times, huh?

Yeah, right.

You know, though, har, it
seems to me that I come off

As being a little weirdo,

A bit of an oddball.

Editorial license.

Aha!

That's good.

Who's the "buddy,
can you spare a dimer"?

Ray brewer. Nice to meet you.

Hi, brewer.

Hi, brewer. Sorry,
no spare change.

Laundromat tonight.

D.d.

I.l.

Huh?

Oh, touché!

Huh?

Looks like wojo's struck
the mother lode, hmm?

Yeah, you could say that.

What's she here for?

She's looking for somebody.

Hmm. Missing person?

Uh-huh.

Wojciehowicz.

Good to see you, inspector.

Same to you, woj.

And, of course, this
would be miss, mrs., Ms.?

Kirgo.

Charming. Frank luger, nypd.

If I can be of any service...

No, thanks.

Inspector.

Hey, barney.

It's been a long time
since we've seen you.

I've been feeling a
little under the weather.

You know, I haven't
been myself lately.

You appear in good spirits now.

Mmm. Fooled you, too, huh?

Is there a problem?
What's the matter?

Barney, I just come from having

The most humiliating
experience in my life.

What happened?

Hold his calls, d.d.

Right, i.l.

Okay with you, c.m.?

They call it a career
conference, barney,

Like they're helping
you with your career.

What did they say?

Ah, they give me a lot
of sweet talk about

"Luger, you've done a great job

"With the department.

You're a credit to the force."

Ah, that kind of garbage.

That was it?

Hmm? No, no. No, no.

Then, when they had
me all buttered up,

Then they stuck in the skewer.

What, uh, what did they say?

What else?

"Luger, take a hike."

They asked you to resign?

Oh, no, no, no, barney.

No, they gave me a choice.

They said, "frank, now, look...

"You can retire
now as inspector,

"But you're welcome
to hang around.

"But if you do,

You'll be hanging
around as a captain."

I see.

Yeah, yeah.

They figure they could
shame me into quitting

By busting me to captain.

That's wonderful.

Lousy, stinkin' captain.

It's not the end of the world.

Oh! Hey, listen, no
offense, barney, huh?

I mean, that's good
enough for you.

You think it came from upstairs?

Maybe it's just somebody
trying to bluff you.

Could be. Could be.

They tried to pull the
same trick on kleiner

A couple of years back.

They tried to
squeeze him out, too.

What happened?

Nothing.

Two weeks later, he was
gunned down on th street.

They dropped it after that.

We seem to be alone.

I got a headache.

Oh, I like a sense of humor.

It indicates intelligence.

I got an i.q. To knock
your socks off.

I'm back.

We noticed.

Did I miss anything?

No. Talk to you later.

Great.

You want some coffee?

Oh, I'd love some. Thank you.

Well, I checked you for priors.

- That's prior arrests.
- Mm-hmm.

You're clean.

Oh, good.

Here you go. It's hot.

Thank you.

So, what did he have to say?

Uh, excuse me.

I got to sharpen
some of my pencils.

Believe me... You
look % better.

Yeah, yeah.

I ain't just saying that.

I mean, you look
really scroungy.

You're too kind.

I tried to warn you
about that chrysler stock.

Oh, reading again, are we?

I bit the b*llet on studebaker.

Okay, barn, I'll just
call their bluff.

They'll back down
every time, right?

It's worth a sh*t.

Right.

Uh, barney, I've changed.

Oh, have you?

Yeah, I won't be
needing that jacket now.

Hey, har, what happened
to our dapper dan,

Our resident beau bridges?

Harris is on a case
down at the bowery.

Oh. Oh, yeah. When in rome...

Yeah. Inspector,
you think I look okay?

I really value your opinion.

Anything else you need, harris?

No, I think I'll be
hitting the road.

Come on, ray.

Sure.

See you around, barney.

Hey, we just might make dinner.

Today is turkey bisque.

Oh, again?

Let's go.

Well, I guess this bum

Better be hitting the
road, too, huh, barney?

Listen, everything's gonna
work out just fine, I'm sure.

Ah, sure it will, barney.

They ain't gonna
spit frank luger out

Like an old piece of
chewing gum, you know,

That you already sucked
out all the good juice, right?

Right.

I've been a cop for
years, barney.

I helped build this department.

I help make it run.

I helped... What's that...

♪ Once I built a railroad ♪

♪ I made it run, made
it race against time ♪

Yeah, I'll see you
around, barney.

♪ Once I built a railroad, now ♪

Hello, levine.

♪ Brother, can
you spare a dime? ♪

Levitt?

I got a bail ticket
for a kirgo, l.

- Right here.
- I'll take it.

L. Kirgo?

Sir?

Here, you'll have to sign this.

I just happened to run into
sergeant harris on the stairs.

Such as he was,

Seeing he may be
occupied tomorrow,

It occurs to me that...

Be here at : in the morning.

Didn't even finish.

Huh?

I'll prep the desk
for tomorrow, sir.

You do that.

Well, that about does it.

Okay.

Here's your court
date right here.

Well, you have my address

In case you need to contact me.

All right.

I guess I'll be going home now.

Okay.

Listen, um, I just
wanted to thank you

For your courtesy
and consideration.

Oh, you're welcome.

And I just wanted to say
that I think that both of you

Have very, very fine
qualities in different areas.

And, for what it's worth,

I think either one of you
would make a very good father

For anyone's child.

So, maybe we'll see each
other again sometime.

I don't know.

Maybe.

Sure, maybe.

Well, goodbye.

Bye.

After you, ma'am.

Time to check out.

So, you doing anything tonight?

I don't know. How about you?

I got two tickets
to the ranger game.

Oh, yeah?

You want them?

Good morning, wojo.

Hey, barn.

Are you gonna make it?

What do you mean?

The coffee... Are
you gonna make it?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Thanks for waiting up.

How you doing, woj?

Doing all right.

Are you making coffee?

Yeah.

Boy, I really could use a cup.

Oh, yeah? Had a
tough night, huh?

Can't complain.

How'd you like the
hockey game last night?

Oh, it was really great.
Thanks for the tickets.

Mr. Brewer.

Where's sergeant harris?

I figured he'd be here.

What happened?

I don't know.

I woke up this morning,
his bunk was empty.

A couple of the other
guys are gone, too.

Dietrich, wojo,

You better check
out that mission.

I'm sorry. I fell asleep.

Don't worry about it.

It was my first stakeout.

Don't worry about it! It's okay!

Oh, inspector.

Very funny.

What's the matter?
What happened?

Captain frank luger,
reporting for duty.

Oh.

Nice to have you with us.

But I had to do something
to raise the money.

For what?

For my campaign.

Oh, you're running
for president?

Yes, he is, sir.

It seems to me I remember a time

When you didn't mind listening
to a few reminiscences

Of the old inspector.

Captain!

Oh, now you're giving it to
me with both barrels, huh?

Where are you now?

Barney: is that harris?

He's calling from a
stuckey's in maryland.