06x16 - g*ns

[bunniefuu]

Mail call!

Very funny.

Something the matter?

Oh, no, no. It's just
seeing you like that.

It's a little strange.

I mean, it's like
looking in a mirror.

Good morning.

Hey, barn.

Morning, sir!

Morning, levitt.

Mail, sir!

Thank you.

You know, this is not the army.

I realize that, but
in that uniform,

You do inspire a certain
degree of rabid obedience.

Really?

Wojo.

Can I change now?

No.

I wore it in.

Proves I got it.

Regulations.

Regulation , stroke b,

Requires all plain
clothes officers

To be in uniform once a year

To ensure a full
uniformed capability

In the event of civil disorder
or a natural disaster.

Very good, levitt.

Also gives the guys
downstairs a few laughs.

Of course, they'll keep
it to themselves, sir.

Do you need anything else, sir?

- Dismissed.
- Yes, sir!

Good morning.

Hey, dietrich. Looking sharp.

Oh, this old thing?

What... What you working on?

I got a robbery here
at kotterman's liquor.

Kotterman's again?

Actually, it's been
kicking around for a while.

Since when?

.

' ?

Yeah, gas was cents a gallon.

' ? Nixon was still president.

No, he's got an airtight
alibi for this one.

I'm working on a few suspects.

' ? That's seven years ago.

H-h-hasn't the statute
of limitations run out yet?

No problem. I got till midnight.

Aren't you cutting
it a little thin?

Yeah, that's why I got
no time for chitchat.

Good morning, people.

My, we're looking natty.

Oh. Thank you.

Where's your uniform?

Oh, that?

Uh...

Different drummer?

Barn...

We got a disturbance in an
apartment over on delancey.

Who you on with?

Him.

Oh, right.

Harris... Um, we'll talk later.

Count on it.

What, did they change
the rules for you?

Pardon me?

You're not dressed the
same as the rest of us.

Am I ever?

Any luck?

No luck... Skill, skill.

Aren't you running out of time?

I'm gonna get him.

You really want that guy, huh?

Uh-huh.

"Les misérables," huh?

Inspector javert doggedly
pursuing jean valjean

All because he
stole a loaf of bread?

He didn't take any
bread. Just cash.

I was merely making
a literary allusion.

Yeah. Keep up the good work.

Okay, end of the route, bluto.

I knew it couldn't last forever.

What?

Uh, this is alex fleischer.

He's a member of the
united states postal service.

Oh, sure, start with the slurs.

And?

Apparently, he became
upset when his landlady

Let herself into his
apartment unannounced.

She's always trying
to catch me naked.

Regardless,

He chased her out
into the hallway

And up a couple of flights.

We found the door open, went in,

And found all that stuff.

Mail?

Yes. So?

This isn't all, either, barn.

The whole apartment's
full of mail.

I mean, packages,
magazines, fruit baskets.

There are postmarks in
there five, six years old.

A problem with that?

How long have you been, uh...

Not delivering the mail?

I start my eighth
year next month.

Or not.

Look, the mail...
It's all junk anyway.

So you've just been
dumping it in your apartment?

Why should I have
to lug it around,

Delivering a lot of
third-class garbage,

Stupid greeting
cards, boring letters

To people I don't even know?

Because it's your job.

Sure.

You go for the obvious.

Book him.

Okay, mr. Fleischer,
you want to take...

Sergeant wojciehowicz
will take care of you.

He's dressed for it.

Oh, um, I'll be on the couch.

Better notify the
postal authorities.

Yo. Sit down over there.

I really don't see
what the big deal is.

- Sit down.
- Come on.

Neither snow nor rain

Nor heat nor gloom of
night stays these couriers

From the swift completion
of their appointed rounds.

That's ups.

Ha! Do you believe that guy,

Trying to get away
with something like that?

What about the uniform?

It looks damn good, barney.

Barn, look, the day's
half over anyway.

Which leaves you
ample time to go home

And slip into something
less comfortable.

I don't have it.

What do you mean? Where is it?

I don't know.

It must've gotten lost

When I thinned out my
wardrobe last year.

Oh, really?

Barney, it was a
very hectic time.

I mean, when they switched
back to traditional, barn,

It caught me
completely off guard.

I remember.

Yeah.

Uh, so, anyway,
barn. Don't worry.

I'll have a uniform
next time around.

You will have one
by : this evening.

How?

Barney, even if I can get
to the uniform place today,

I mean, there are
alterations, fittings.

You can get one off the rack.

I thought we knew each other.

Okay, I need your address.

Delancey.

Oh, of course,
my mailing address

Is a post office box.

You know, you probably
caused a lot of hardship

For a lot of people.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I gave people all the
stuff they really needed...

Social security checks,
utility bills, tv guide.

Why don't you just admit it?

You're a lazy slob
who's taking a free ride

At the people's expense.

Something wrong with that?

Barn, if you add it all up...

The jacket, the pants, the
hat, the helmet, the stick...

Barn, you're talking bucks.

That's about right.

Not that money is the problem.

Then what is the problem?

I don't know.

Barn, it's just that with
my book doing so well

And other projects
in the offing,

Barn, I just think that I'm...

Above it all?

No, it's more than that.

Barn, I am on the verge
of a change of life.

Really?

I am juggling a lot
of things right now.

I mean, there are investments.

There's a possible
movie sale for "bob."

Barn, it's just
hard for me to, uh,

To deal with these
marginal duties.

Uh, let me tell you something.

I'm getting very tired
hearing about "bob."

Oh?

And the movie sale and
the autograph parties

And the gold and the investment

And all the rest
of the mishegoss

That disrupts the
work of this squad!

Mishegoss. I'm
afraid you've got me

At a little disadvantage.

I'm afraid you're gonna
have to make your mind up

What you want to be!

'Cause I'll tell you the truth.

I cannot afford a cop

Who only dabbles in police work!

With all due respect, captain,

Just because your
prospects are severely limited,

I don't think you
should go around

Projecting your frustrations
on an innocent bystander!

A uniform is required today.

I would advise you to
get a uniform today,

Unless you have some immediate
prospects for tomorrow.

Yes!

Captain, I think I got my man.

Fine, fine.

I'm gonna go get a warrant,
see if I can pick him up.

Yeah, good. Okay.

Well, I'll get on it. Sorry
for the interruption.

- Okay, okay.
- Nice jacket.

Just getting it started again.

Dietrich still out?

Yeah, and so is harris.

Thank you.

Is he gonna get a uniform?

Uh, that is a possibility.

What do you mean, a possibility?

Wojo, can we pick a new topic?

Is harris quitting?

It's new.

I really couldn't tell you.

That's gonna have
to be his decision.

What did you say to him?

Nothing that didn't
have to be said.

Went right for the throat, huh?

It was mutual.

Well, uh...

You want to know
something that i, uh...

I think might've been a
contributing factor?

What?

The uniform.

- Wojo...
- I mean yours.

You see, barn, you put
one of these things on,

It makes you feel different.

It gives you a sense of power

That you don't have, really.

I mean, uh...

Y-y-you look so much like
you know what you're doing,

Next thing, you think you
really do know what you're doing,

And that makes you reckless.

Like now?

Yeah.

Good example.

Yeah.

Hello, mac.

What's going on?

What'd you do, k*ll another dog?

They don't know about that.

Can I help you?
I'm captain miller.

William macdonald,
postal branch supervisor.

I zipped right over here
as soon as I got your call.

We really appreciate
that, mr. Macdonald.

"Zipped" over.

It's postal humor.

I see.

Helps us through
the gloom of night.

More postal humor?

You know, I don't understand

What fleischer's
doing in the cell.

I mean, he's one of
my best carriers.

Well, that may be,
mr. Macdonald, however...

Hey, w-w-what's that?

That is a portion of
the mail we discovered

In mr. Fleischer's apartment.

Apparently, he has not
been delivering the mail

For the past seven years.

That's not our policy.

I didn't think it was.

Uh, may I speak to
mr. Fleischer privately?

Be my guest.

What the hell were you doing?

Nothing.

Besides that!

I can't believe this.

All right. Move inside.

Years, months, days.

Time flies, huh?

This is michael fantino.
Picked him up in his room.

Mr. Kotterman's coming
down to make a positive i.d.

Very good.

Is this your idea of a joke?

Beg your pardon?

Seven years in that crummy room,

Getting my food
left at the door,

Doing my laundry in the sink,

Never going out 'cause I
knew you cops were out there,

Combing the streets,
hunting me day after day,

Year after year.

I started tuesday.

Tuesday?

Afternoon.

You people are really sick.

Over there, jean valjean.

I got time for it now.

Hi, ronnie.

- Hey there, arthur.
- Hey.

Looks good on you.

Thank you.

One size fits all?

Harris.

Barney.

I'm glad you thought things out,

And, uh...

Obviously I'm delighted
you decided to join us.

Thank you.

As for our earlier discussion,

I said some things in the...

Heat of the moment that, uh...

I didn't mean.

I'm sure you said some
things you didn't mean.

No.

Excuse me.

The hell with him.

All this time, seven years,

I was sure you guys
were out looking for me,

Asking questions,
showing my picture around.

You know, like on "dragnet."

Occupation?

Self-employed.

Oh?

I make potholders.

That figures.

It helps pass the time.

Ever make oven mitts?

No, just potholders.

Sort of funny, you
making potholders.

How's that?

You're the one
that's getting b*rned.

What?

Hey, you wanted
"dragnet," didn't you?

You know this couldn't
have happened at a worst time.

You know how busy
we are in january,

Getting out all
the christmas stuff.

Relax. Don't sweat it.

Yeah, sure.

Used to be we could relax.

Then we were the
only game in town.

Then suddenly we got all
this hot-sh*t competition

With their overnight
service, guaranteed delivery.

Fancy lear jets.

Free enterprise gone mad!

Oh, yeah. Sad commentary.

And then you go and
pull a dumb stunt like this.

What's your point?

My point is that
you can't just stop

Giving people their mail.

They won't like it.

So how many complaints

Have you gotten against me?

Uh, no more than usual.

In fact, damn few.

People don't complain
about what they don't get.

Yeah, well, that
may be, but still,

We can't just up and stop
delivering the mail altogether.

Ah, I mean sure,

It would radically reduce
manpower, of course,

And vehicle use.

Save on fuel consumption.

That would look
very good on paper.

No! Oh, no! That's insane.

No, unthinkable. Mm.

But it could work.

All right, you're
going in the cage.

Actually, I guess
I don't really mind

Being caught so much.

At least I get a chance
to talk to some people.

Uh-huh.

I was alone for so long.

- Seven years, right?
- Right.

No human contact,
not even a phone call.

Inside.

In fact, in all that time, I
didn't even get any mail.

Hi, there.

Captain, I have tried
to talk to fleischer,

But I'm afraid it's
a waste of time.

I think he's mentally unstable.

I wouldn't know about that.

Of course, you realize he
was acting entirely alone.

No one's accusing
the post office

Of any wrongdoing.

I can assure you
this sort of thing

Probably won't happen again.

Probably?

Did I say that?

Uh, well, I better
be getting back.

Someone will be
calling to arrange

For mr. Fleischer's transfer
to federal jurisdiction.

Fine.

You'll be sure to let me know
where they "forward" him?

I'll keep you "posted."

The fun's contagious!

Uh, barney?

Yeah?

Want to talk in the office?

No.

No, there's no reason
we can't talk out here.

I mean, let's face it.

Our, uh, dispute is
not exactly a secret

To the other
members of the squad.

Yeah, well, uh... So go ahead.

Woj.

I'm here.

Well, um, look, barney,
I just felt that, um...

That you were, you know,
forcing me back into a corner,

And, you know,
trying to force me

To decide my whole
life right then and there.

You put me in the position

Where I had to force the issue.

That's true.

Yeah, well, right.

That was my fault.

I should've had on a uniform,

And you certainly
had a perfect right

To point that out.

Thank you.

Of course, I mean,
you did digress a bit.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I mean, when i...

You know, when
I said how I felt...

How tired I was
hearing about your book

And your other pursuits...

I meant that.

Perhaps I said it with
a bit too much, uh...

Gusto, but... It
was something i...

Felt should be said,

Something I felt
you should hear.

Okay. I can see that.

Good.

Oh, barn, also, you
know, what I said to you

About your prospects
somewhat limited...

"Severely limited."

"Severely limited," right.

Well... I meant that, too.

Okay.

I mean, there's nothing
wrong with that.

I mean, why should everybody
have to have my compulsion

For success?

Right.

The point is, barn,

That, I mean, there are
going to be conflicts.

There's gonna be
a certain degree

Of hostility and jealousy...

And it's healthy.

Exactly.

Well, I feel better.

Yeah, I think it's good
that we talked like this.

I mean, you really
need them in the kitchen,

I mean, to get your
pies out of the oven,

Cookie sheets, hot casseroles...

Yeah, yeah!

And they're also
very decorative,

With a wide selection
of colors and designs.

Want to get him out of here?

He's all set.

They just got to
come pick him up.

Can I change now?
It's checkout time.

You know...

Actually, these
things aren't that bad.

I just happened to glance
at myself in the mirror

And can't complain.

No.

In fact, you know,

Uniforms are kind
of in right now.

You know, with the
village people and all.

What village people?

They're a group...

Of singers.

Oh.

You know, like the modernaires.

Oh!

You really dug 'em, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Sir?

Yeah? Oh.

Just dropping off the
manpower reports before I leave.

Fine. Thank you, levitt.

My pleasure.

You know, it's sort of strange
seeing you all in uniform

While I'm in plain clothes.

Why don't we keep it that way?

I'm on my own time now.