02x01 - The Sacred Non-Repeating Number

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music playing]

♪

KORVO:

The ship is totally repaired!

We can finally leave this sh*thole planet

and find a good one

that Pupa can terraform.

Then we can grow more Shlorpians

from the seeds we have stored

in the cryopods.

So long, Earth suckers.

Enjoy the melting ice caps.

I hope the combustion engine was worth it.

Goodbye, oxygen-rich atmosphere.

Goodbye, puppies.

Goodbye, Maroon 5!

I'm glad we're finally going to a planet

that doesn't have stupid rules,

like saying "excuse me" after you fart.

You're supposed to say it before you fart.

This f*cking sucks!

If I was team leader, we'd be getting

butter-drunk at Harry P-Land

and loading up on wands.

Well, tough titties, you're not.

Everyone, strap in.

I'm going to activate the launch.

Jesse! What what the hell is that?

M&Ms with the olives inside.

- They're oily and sour.

- Give me that!

Every ounce of weight matters!

Something this small

could set us off course

and straight into the sun.

[beeps]

[sighs]

We're back to equilibrium.

Launching now.

[boosters whooshing]

It's working! Wait.

MICHAEL: [on phone]

Geek Squad, Michael speaking.

This is Korvo the alien.

I'm calling to say f*ck you, Michael.

You've been working on my Lenovo

for too many weeks now,

and you can just shove it

up your ass, Michael.

MICHAEL: The Judge said you're weren't

supposed to call here anymore.

f*ck you and f*ck your whole squad,

and I f*cked your mom.

MICHAEL: Whoa! Hey

[beep]

[whooshing]

[beeping]

♪

- [beeping]

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[all screaming]

[man screaming]

No, the balance was off.

Did someone accidentally have

a penny in their pocket

or a contact lens or a feather?

I might have hidden

some stuff on the ship.

Did it weigh more than a gram?

[clattering]

What the hell?

Bags of sand, bowling balls,

Congo pinball machine, a lifetime supply

of Silly Putty eggs?

You needed to bring the entire series run

of Cops on DVD and VHS!

I didn't know what kind of player

the hotel would have.

There is no hotel! Terry, you idiot!

It's it's a empty planet.

This puts us right back

to where we were a year ago.

Oh my God, make a bigger deal

about it, ya poopy!

Yay! We're still trapped on Earth!

Excuse me.

[farts]

KORVO:

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right,

I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

This is this is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers]

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

They're always thirsty.

But they don't drink their own piss,

I don't get it.

[stammers]

Just drink your own piss.

♪

Oh yeah, they're making

Succession cereal with all the shapes:

Romans, Logans, and Purple Shivs!

The autopilot's completely destroyed.

We're going to have

to re-pilot the whole thing.

What is the distress detector doing

in the freezer?

Oh, it wouldn't stop beeping.

It was driving me nuts.

It only beeps when it receives

a Shlorpian distress call!

That means there's aliens

from the home world

somewhere in this quadrant!

How long has this been beeping?

A year?

Or a year and a half, maybe?

Damn it, Terry! All right,

come on, we have to help them!

They're probably on an M-class planet

somewhere in the Gamma sector.

What the hell, they're on Earth!

Looks like the Solar Opposites

are going to London!

I can't believe we get to use

the hover platform.

I thought that was a one-time thing.

The Solar Opposites

are hovering to London!

Would you stop saying that.

W-what does that even mean?

Well, I just think we should be called

"The Solar Opposites."

No, that's stupid.

Wait, where's Yumyulack and the Pupa?

Damn it! How are we still so bad at this?

Watching the Pupa is

your whole job, Terry.

Don't worry, I'm sure

Yumyulack's keeping him real safe.

What could go wrong?

I guess as long as he doesn't let

the Pupa watch Robocop again,

it'll it'll be fine.

Dead or alive, you're coming with me!

MAN ON TV:

Suck my shitty tits, Robocop!

[g*nshots]

[Pupa gasps]

[man screaming]

[bell rings]

Jaeden, Aaden, Braden.

Still as cool as last year, I see.

We are, but our internal politics

have shifted.

This year, Jaeden is our leader.

I was demoted.

You know, my adults are out of town.

If you guys want to hang at my place,

we could drink too much

and maybe hurt our chances

of living past 65.

A witch said I'm gonna die at 25 anyway,

so I guess I'm down.

Silence. Your alpha speaks.

Yumyulack, it'd be cool to throw

a sleepover party.

I decree that all cool kids will attend.

But I thought you hated me?

Dunking on you was a policy

of the Aaden era.

Since then, we all went

to Christian summer camp

and realized it's cool to be inclusive.

It was Christian Slater's volleyball camp.

This'll be the coolest party of the year!

[all talking gibberish]

♪

The Solar Opposites

have made it to London!

All right, shut up, follow me.

Oh, so now he's calling us

"the Solar Opposites"?

Oh, I cannot wait to meet

these new aliens.

Do you think they've been

studying hydron levels

or stratospheric particulates?

Wow, both sound so cool, it's hard

to pick. Hopefully both?

Oh my god, that would be amazing.

[device beeping]

[pigeons cooing]

[beeping quickens]

Hmm. That's odd.

Apparently, they live in the sewer

for some reason.

[beeping quickens]

[beeping quickens]

[gasps]

Oh!

Damn, look at that ship. It's nice.

Hello? Is anyone here in distress?

What are you doing? Get in here!

Uh, we were following a distress call?

Doesn't seem like

you're in that much distress.

I am Kabronius,

team leader of this ship.

This is Zelvod, my co-team leader,

and our replicants Tivo and Damasculon.

Are you crazy? Where are your masks?

I didn't know we needed masks.

I've been breathing air for over a year!

- [inhales, coughs]

- KABRONIUS: No,

the face masks are so

you can hide from the Terrans!

We use these to walk amongst the Terrans

so they don't capture and dissect us.

Where we live in America,

we don't wear masks.

We're noticeable almost all of the time.

Yeah, our ship sticks out

of the top of our house,

and one time we covered

the whole town in ice lava.

So, they know us.

B-b-but, you know, we also spend

a lot of time hiding from Terrans

- as well.

- No, we don't.

Aren't you scared that

the government will kidnap you?

Yes, all the time, we have

to be very careful around Terrans.

They're the aliens, a-a-am I right?

I never thought of it like that.

They really are.

Oh, oh, can we show them

the neutron array?

- Please?

- Okay, okay.

It is very nice. We have

a very nice neutron array.

Who calls it "terra"?

Yeah, these dorks are real Korvos.

[both snicker]

And of course, the end

of any good ship tour,

the havacord meniscus.

Is this dual sided?

It is! This guy knows his stuff.

Ugh, I wish I had a dual meniscus,

ours only emits from the left.

Ah, so great. Hey, guys.

Do you wanna go eat tikka masala

and see some castles?

Maybe, uh, Ramsay some Gordons?

Ooh yes! Let's go meet Pippa.

Nobody gets her.

Oh, no, no, no. We survive

by creeping out at night

to find food in dumpsters.

If we get spotted, we erase people's minds

with a memory zapper.

Eventually, we might infiltrate

the government

and try brainwashing some people.

Wow, then you could go work

in the government.

This ship is so much nicer than ours,

not to mention our house is cluttered

with toys and magazines.

Oh, we only allow Shlorpian items

to stay on the ship,

it reminds us of home.

- You hear that, Terry?

- "You hear that Terry?" Shut up, bitch.

We were about to start our hourly prayers.

Care to join?

Eh, we only pray on Easter

or when we think we're about to die.

And even then, we don't really mean it.

I call dibs on the first

three hundred psalms!

No fair!

It is so good to know that

we aren't alone in this dangerous world.

Look, if you ever need

a Shlorpian place to stay,

our hatch is open.

We have tons of room

and all the eel trash you can eat.

Thank you. And may I just say

- [horn honking]

- Ugh, can we please go already?

Sorry. I just wanted

to thank you for being

- [horn honking]

- Korvo, I'm bored!

Bye! Have fun!

Looks like the Solar Opposites

are going to America!

- Next time we're flying!

- No! I like the platform!

Ahh!

Can you believe those weirdo

British aliens pray every hour?

Next time, let's just ignore

the distress signal.

Bunch of Jar Jar dinks.

Meesa gonna hide from Terrans!

Those Shlorpians were exactly

the way we are supposed to be.

Sneaking out at night

to dumpster dive for trash food?

Meesa gonna eat trash!

They're basic.

We're extra, they're basic.

They were not!

I'm honestly surprised

they didn't have a flying saucer.

They were like a bunch of ALFs:

Alone Loser Fucks.

They honor the proud traditions

of the home world

and from now on, so do we.

We're all meditating around

the obsidian candle tonight

as a family.

- Yeah, right, pass.

- Hard pass.

This is important! It's who we are!

It's our heritage.

You've gone just as native as we have.

Yeah, you like Pizza Hut stuffed crust

as much as we do.

You even bought a gym membership

and you never went.

You're sort of like

a fake alien, you know.

You two are fake aliens!

[sobbing]

Ugh, what are you doing?

I'm moving to ye olde London town

to live with the aliens

that appreciate me!

That guy really turns

on a dime, doesn't he?

He's tough to manage.

We're so happy you've decided

to be a part of our mission, Korvo.

You seem like a Shlorpian lasered

from the same zarb as us.

Oh, it's nice to be around a team

that's preserved our culture

and keeps our culture preserved,

you know.

Just think of this ship as

a comforting piece of the home world.

Now let's circle around the grangnar

and hit ourselves with ropes.

That sounds wonderful.

[growls]

[all grunting]

TIVO: Oh, it hurts so good.

- Are you sure

- ALL: Ow!

- your old teammates are okay with you

- ALL: Ow!

- joining us?

- ALL: Ow!

- Something tells me

- ALL: Ow

they're already regretting

being dicks to me.

I'm never taking off

my Poe Dameron jammies ever again!

Hey, oh, what are you going to do

now that Korvo's dead, I mean gone?

I adopted a high-maintenance

elderly dog!

We're going to have to spend a lot of time

cleaning out her ears,

putting lotion in her butt,

squeezing the anals,

all the responsibility

I've been begging for!

[whimpers]

You wanna play with the gold machine?

Korvo would hate that, let's do it!

- [barks]

- Ah!

♪

[Jesse and Terry laughing]

Whee!

Korvo would be so mad

that I'm rolling in all this gold!

I just canceled the family cell plan

and switched us over to Boost Mobile!

It comes with Crackle Plus!

They got all of Adam Sandler's

friends' movies but none of his.

What the hell? I thought

you guys were in London.

Korvo left the family,

and I got a basset hound.

I don't give a sh*t!

A bunch of cool kids are coming over

for a sleepover this weekend,

so can you please just be chill?

Hey, maybe they'll want

to have a gold fight!

[grunting]

Guys, don't embarrass me!

No giving out gold!

[dramatic music playing]

♪

ZELVOD: This is amazing!

We're gonna be eating trash for a week!

I didn't see any Terran soldiers,

I think we avoided detection.

Uh-uh-uh, just a thought,

but maybe they aren't hunting you?

[all laugh]

Yeah, right, that sounds like

human lover talk.

Hey, Korvo, why don't you recite

the holy number before we dig in?

Oh, it's an honor!

[clears throat]

Eight, seven, five.

Z-zero uh it's zero

and then f-four?

No, three. I'm sorry, I-I haven't said

the holy number for a while.

What, you don't say it at home?

Of course I do, it's just

L-let me think.

Eight, seven, four

No, five, seven

[all laughing]

- You sound like a sproutling!

- "Fuh-fuh-fuh four?"

It's a non-repeating number.

Oh, you really have gone native.

Oh no. Am I the "Terry" of this team?

No, that's impossible.

Are you narrating to yourself

like you're the star of a TV show?

Oh god, I am the Terry!

Jesse! Where do we keep money?

We have a huge Postmates bill

from ordering all those ketchup packets.

Can't we just use the gold machine?

Whoa, whoa, what's, what's with you,

are you poisoned?

Ugh, the dog is so high maintenance,

I didn't sleep at all.

[barks]

Ahh!

Noooo!

It thinks I'm a toy.

[crying]

But I'm not.

I just look like one!

Aw, man, the whole thing

just turned to gold!

How am I supposed to make gold now?

Stupid piece of crap.

[banging on door]

Hey! This is Andrew from Postmates!

You owe me fifty thousand dollars!

When did they get

so intense about billing?

Turns out it's actually pretty hard

to get your side hustle on.

[car horn honking]

Ugh, without Korvo here to fix

our gold machine or fight our creditors,

I guess I gotta find a job.

[sighs]

The customer comes in,

they pick their cookie,

they pick their ookie,

you weigh it, then you charge ‘em.

Yeah, when do I get paid?

End of the month, but, but you get

free ookie after closing

'cause it gets crusty if we don't use it.

[door opens]

Hey, stop limping the biscuits!

You have to pay for that!

[groans]

K-Kabronius, c-can I talk

to you for a second?

Well, of course, Korvo, what's up?

I-I-I want this team to accept me

as a dedicated Shlorpian.

Is there any role I can fill?

D-d-do you need a ship repair guy?

What we need is a Pupa specialist.

Oh. Where's your Pupa?

I-I-I could try that. I-I could do that.

- We don't have one.

- W-what happened to it?

We never had one to begin with.

We left before they were fully designed.

Rich people don't wait for anything.

You weren't assigned a Pupa

when you escaped the home world?

No, it went a little differently for us.

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Some Shlorpians were workers,

bred for duty and servitude.

KORVO:

What? We were?

KABRONIUS:

Others were an unseen ruling class

of wealthy leisure addicts.

Us rich aliens were given a heads-up

about the asteroid

about a month before it hit.

We bought expensive ships

and left way, way, way in advance.

We landed on an already populated planet

and have been waiting for one

of the Pupa crews to terraform it

so we can get back to being rich.

I've never heard of rich,

non-working Shlorpians.

That's why it worked so great.

If you don't have a Pupa,

then why do you need a specialist?

We need a Pupa.

Terry's clearly gone native,

he can't be a good guardian.

I mean, wouldn't the Pupa be happier

with true Shlorpians,

terraforming a fresh planet?

It does sound better.

We want you to rescue your Pupa,

bring it to us,

so we can have a new life.

A new Shlorpian life.

I-I'll do it.

First, we must Pupa-proof the ship.

He likes to stick his nub in sockets.

He will eat anything that's blue.

Man, I hate working at Ookie Cookie.

It is way more demeaning

than the name implies.

And these Poe Dameron jammies

are starting to stink.

I think the basset hound hates me.

It makes me wear this collar

and keeps burying me in the backyard.

[gasps] That's it!

Okay, look. If we dress

and act like Korvo,

maybe we'll be better

at taking care of ourselves.

So we have to repair the ship

and complain a lot?

Why did you say "that's it"?

Oh, it's just always what I say

when I think of something.

[sighs]

Let's get to work.

Okay, what would Korvo say?

"Terry! Stop sucking on cereal

and having fun!"

'No way, you're not my dad."

"Do what I f*ckin' say!"

- "I'll be in my room!"

- I hate this.

There you go,

now you're sounding like Korvo.

All my cool friends

are three hours late.

I think I gave them the wrong address!

I'm taking the Yeet Detector

and going out to find them.

YEET DETECTOR:

Yeet. Yeet. Yeet.

Terry hates dealing

with the Pupa anyway.

He's going to be so happy.

Hmm?

[ringtone plays]

Terry?

W-why did I have to BoostTime you?

Did you sign up with Boost Mobile?

Yes, it's just one of many mistakes

we've made since you left!

Korvo, we messed up.

We really need you and miss you,

and I'm afraid I'm going

to get eaten by a dog.

What dog? I-I told you

no dogs in the house

until I figure out how to make them

see me as the alpha!

Are you guys wearing ceremonial garb?

Please come home. You were right.

You were right!

- We'll be better, Korvo! We miss you!

- You really miss me?

And if I came home, you wouldn't shame me

for not knowing

the sacred non-repeating number?

No. What the f*ck are you talking about?

No, we need your help.

We're pieces of sh*t without you!

Wow. Admitting you're wrong,

begging me to help,

calling yourselves pieces of sh*t,

this is what I've always wanted!

I'll be home soon, stay miserable!

YEET DETECTOR:

Yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet

Jaeden! You guys are

accidentally partying at the wrong house!

Aw, man. He found us.

Nobody wants to go to a sleepover

with an ugly blue alien

that smells like a penis.

I told you to have that sleepover

so you wouldn't find out about our party.

But you said I was cool.

Oh, you're not, you suck.

And to add some injury to insult,

f*ck you, you little blue bitch!

[Yumyulack screams]

[boys laughing]

Korvo! Ready to scoop up the Pupa?

I've changed my mind,

you can't have the Pupa.

But, uh, isn't Terry an idiot?

Yes, but he's a part of my team.

And it's my job to lead them.

What about the plan?

When will you terraform so we can

get back to living our secret rich lives?

You'll just have to keep doing

what you're doing

and wait for the Pupa

to evolve just like us.

[grunting]

K-Kabronius! What the hell!

Let me out of here!

No! That Pupa belongs to us!

- Ow, you're heavy.

- f*ck you.

Don't you touch my Pupa,

you rich fucks!

[Korvo grunting]

Let me out of here!

The Pupa will be happier

in a team of real Shlorpians.

f*ck you, Zelvod!

You're a piece of sh*t! You hear me?

f*ck all of you!

You're a bunch of hacky ALFs!

[dramatic music playing]

[rumbling]

[people screaming]

Damn it! Wait, the sacred number.

Eight, five, nine, four, two

Pupa detected, coordinates locked.

Five, two, damn it, six!

Ha! I knew that stupid number

the whole time!

Who's an idiot now?

f*ck! Eight, five,

seven, nine, four, two

Alien climbing up out of the sewer, huh?

What a time to be alive!

[laughing]

- Welcome to the UK.

- Which way to the Ferris wheel?

Take you forever on foot, love.

Come on, I'll give you a ride.

[siren wailing]

♪

[people scream]

♪

[metal snapping]

[thudding footsteps]

I thought he was going to roll it

like a big wheel,

but I guess that lack of creativity

is why I'm just a cop.

[thudding footsteps]

♪

Give us your Pupa!

Okay, why?

Talking is getting us nowhere.

Lethal force!

♪

f*ck you, you're never

gonna get our Pupa.

Activate auto defenses!

[rumbling]

[alarm blares]

♪

♪

On my count, unleash sci-fi hell!

Three, two, one

[yelling]

[jazz music playing]

Jesus, sh*t. That was

the craziest battle I've ever been in.

And all in one unbroken take?

That must have cost a million dollars!

Give us the Pupa

and we'll stop sh**ting at you.

Let's just blast him and take the Pupa.

[thudding footsteps]

Stop, stop!

You can have the Pupa,

but we need to tell you

how to take care of it.

If it dies, you won't get

to be rich and lazy.

All right, fine!

You have 30 seconds!

Korvo! The Pupa's like our baby.

You can't give him away.

Shut up. I'm team leader.

[gasps]

And these guys have never seen

a Pupa before.

- So?

- In case this doesn't work, go hide

under the covers with this g*n.

♪

Here's the Pupa. Tha-tha-that's

the whole Pupa, right there.

Wait.

It's even cuter than I imagined!

It's an honor to meet you, oh noble Pupa.

The Pupa needs to be walked

four times a day.

Don't forget, or she'll pee

where you don't want her to.

Make sure to wipe its tushy

with a wet wipe.

You have to boil fresh chicken

and rice for her.

- Uh-huh, slow down.

- Fresh, or she gets hives.

Also, I'm so sorry,

but her ears are a mess!

Slow down. Slow down.

Wow, way to not know

the basics of Pupa care.

So how do we make it evolve

and terraform?

If it's not terraforming, that just

means you aren't making it happy enough.

We will dedicate our entire lives

to pleasing this creature.

Okay, good luck!

Oh, and every time it barks,

you have to punch yourself in the face.

He's right, that's true.

♪

- [growls]

- Oh!

Ah!

[glass shatters]

Ah!

[beeping]

[whimpers, farts]

Oh. Something just fell out

of its stinking hole.

That must mean it's ready

to start terraforming!

[all cheering]

- [barks]

- ALL: Ow!

- What happened to you?

- The cool kids threw me in a tree,

so I'm going to k*ll them

with my satellite.

[laser powers on]

I thought you used that thing to look

for ladies sun-tanning on their roofs.

Yeah, well, now I'm going

to use it to melt bullies.

- BOY: Ahem!

- Uh, who are you?

I'm Daryl. Here for the sleepover.

- Wha You are?

- Yeah, y'all still doing that?

- Nobody else showed up.

- Oh good, I hate people anyway.

So do I!

Hey, you wanna see

the wall full of adults I've shrunk?

- Sure.

- [machinery clanking, rumbling]

Oh, so it's like an ant farm, huh?

Yeah, I know, it's dumb.

No, no, no, I like it.

Hey, you wanna play games on our phones

and talk sh*t about people?

Yes, a billion times, yes.

That was a crazy day.

Hey, you know what. I-I'm just glad

everything is back to normal.

We all learned a lesson.

Feels good. Feels good in here

and feels good down here.

The lesson I learned today

is to start doubling down on being strict

and being even more dedicated

to the mission than ever before.

Korvo, no!

Yes! That way I'll never feel like

some other alien

is more orthodox than me ever again!

Well, then I'm going to double down

on being shallow and trashy

- just to cancel you out.

- No, don't do that!

- I do what I want, son! I'm li'l Terry.

- I'm team leader, that's an order!

I don't care.

I don't care. I don't care.

- f*ck you, Terry!

- I can't hear you.

[g*nsh*t]

[all gasp]

Oh Jesus, was that the Pupa's g*n?

No no, no, no, no, no, no!

Holy sh*t.

The Pupa k*lled a Robocop!

Oh, I am so proud of you!

♪

[imitating laser fire]