Hey. Do you have anything that screams
"This guy watches golf"?
Oh yeah.
This is from Samuel
by Sam Jackson for Kangol.
It's the exact model he wore
to the premiere
of his Capital One commercial.
Mmm. I love it
how you can wear it one way
and look like a newsboy
and another way and look like a bad boy.
- We patented that.
- Could we hurry this up?
Apparently this mall has some sort
of gap full of babies
and a locker full of lady's feet.
I wanna see that stuff.
- Damn, Terry. Lookin' smooth as eggs.
- Oh!
Red Goobler got a g*n!
What the hell, Korvo?
You m*nled my Kangol!
Red Goobler?
Wait a hot f*ckin' second,
I thought you k*lled
the Red Goobler last year?
After he hunted us
in the Halloween store?
- R-remember that whole thing?
- Yeah, I lied about k*lling him.
He got away,
and I kinda just thought
maybe he'd disappear like that eye
that used to be on my back.
Damn it, Terry!
That eye is still there!
And so is the Red Goobler!
Wait, what the f*ck,
why is he so big?
Last time we saw him, he was
about the size of a softball.
Or like a fat baseball.
I don't know, Terry,
he probably grows when I'm stressed out.
Or maybe he eats a lot.
Stop trying to poke holes.
Well, sorry for trying
to be consistent.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! I'm not trying
to k*ll you anymore, I swear!
Oh please, then what's with that
sweet-ass laser g*n?
It's just a barcode scanner.
I'm registering for my wedding.
This trash isn't getting married.
Quick, Korvo, m*rder him!
sh**t him, sh**t him,
sh**t him, sh**t him
- Gooby, what's going on?
- This is my nightmare.
Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.
So yeah, um, Korvo birthed me
from his stress,
and I used to yell "get f*cked"
and try to k*ll him.
I was a terrible, unhappy person
and, Korvo, I'm so sorry.
You can sh**t your apology
in the butt and bury it at sea.
You're right,
I don't deserve forgiveness.
I live with the guilt
of how I treated you every day.
You aren't
that guy anymore, Red.
If I'm not,
it's because of you, Jen.
Jen pulled me
out of a dark place.
Now all I want to do is marry
this perfect woman,
wake up every day
and make her bread
with this Breville
Custom Loaf Bread Maker.
Uh, okay. Well, just don't aim
at me with a laser g*n.
Totally my fault.
Thanks for understanding.
Hey, I've been dreading this
for a while,
but it was honestly nice
running into you.
- You too.
- Stay cool, brother.
I didn't buy any of that
for a second. Did you?
Oh, I totally bought it,
but my self-esteem is so low
that I'll go along
with whatever you feel.
- He's a liar and he sucks.
- I know, right?
f*ck that little assh*le!
I love when you don't have
any conviction.
Then I do too.
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
They're always arguing about politics.
Everyone is so busy arguing
about politics,
but no one is talking about
how the Earth is an egg.
Why aren't they talking
about that?
What is with
humans' obsession with fitness?
Haven't they figured out
that cardio causes cancer?
Oh geez, we're running
the mile today?
I wore my f*ck-me pumps.
I can't run in them, they're rentals!
I suck at it too.
My legs were made for operating
the left-right orientation pedals
in a hunter k*ll star tripper,
not running in a circle.
Eh, let's just walk it.
Nobody's gonna notice.
Don't you remember
what happened last year?
I'm gonna puke.
A 15-minute mile?
I am not letting you freaks
bring down the school average.
Our math and science budget is based
on how fast you little shits can move.
Everybody's running again!
And if you don't like doing it,
you can thank Mr. And Mrs. Kingdom
of the Crystal f*cking Skull over here.
My noogie rash just cleared up.
That's it.
We are not doing this again.
Access cheating devices.
Ooh, I didn't know you had
a pocket dimension.
- Pretty sweet, right?
- Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.
You don't get to choose the color!
Wait, you're going to use
The Time Cheater helmet?
Isn't that cheating?
Oh yeah, it's as cheating
as you can get.
But, but all the after-school programs
I watch say cheating never works!
Look, you want people
to be mean to us all year? Hm?
Or do you wanna be cheaters
for one quick second?
Well, alright, but just this once.
We gotta be careful, too.
'Cause according to VeggieTales,
cheating will make you
a gay potato.
That's a chance
I'm willing to take.
What's with the helmets
and backpacks?
Um, you're actually not allowed
to ask us about it
because they power
our gender identity or whatever.
Fine. You two better blow me away
with your mile time this year,
or I will f*cking k*ll you.
You did the entire mile
in exactly one minute?
That was fast, right?
So we can stop doing this stupid test?
No! Of course you can't.
Because you two are obviously chee
Aw no, here it comes.
I knew it.
The best runners we've ever had.
These beautiful aliens
are going to regionals!
Regionals? Oh no. Are you sure
we aren't getting in over our head?
Oh yeah. We definitely are.
American Airlines? One ticket
to Regionals in Hawaii please.
Are you okay with coach?
- Am I okay with what?
- Coach?
Yes, I am the coach
and the principal.
Uh, no, I mean economy.
We all know the economy's great,
but you're not talking me
into an expensive ticket.
Let's start over: Nonstop?
Wow, okay.
One ticket to regionals
in your finest seat please.
I'd like to pay with a credit card
ending in 7624.
I'm just going to put you
in first class to end this conversation.
Works every time.
That swole tomato's up to something,
I can feel it in my mound.
We need to be ready
for an att*ck.
I'm going to take
half my su1c1de pills now
and save the other half
for when he tortures us.
If you're a Girl Scout, say it now,
and I will still sh**t you.
- It's Jen!
- Please don't k*ll us!
Not even!
Sorry for dropping by unannounced,
I just really need
to ask you guys for a favor.
Let me guess, you want us
to sh**t ourselves through our throats?
Well, fat chance!
Uh, no. I-I was wondering if you two
would come to our wedding?
It's a trap, Terry, run!
No, stop.
Gooby doesn't know I'm here.
You guys are the closest thing
he has to family.
If you came to our wedding,
it might let him
finally make peace with his past.
Attend a Red Goobler wedding?
Ha. No f*cking way.
Listen, as long as that goobler's
got something else in his life,
he won't be trying to cut out your eyes
and sh*t in your mouth.
You might have a point.
Your annual one good idea.
Nuh-uh, I had a good idea
last week! Remember?
I raised money for our frat
by selling pies,
but the bottom of the pie tin
had a naked picture
of the Alpha Beta's girlfriends?
That's why we sold so many pies?
The whole pie thing? Remember?
I will attend your ceremony,
to trick the Red Goobler into being happy
so he won't hurt me anymore.
Fine, but can you also not be
this weird at the wedding?
My mom's gonna there and
Shut up.
There's only one problem:
you're far too basic
to keep Red Goobler satisfied.
And if you break up, he'll become
more dangerous than ever before.
I'm engaged to a goobler.
I'm as not basic as they come.
Your name is Jen,
you're very forgettable.
Where do you shop,
T. J. Minimum?
Sure he loves you now,
but once he's sick of you
like we already are,
it's back to hunting me!
I'm starting to understand
why Red hates you.
- Ah! What the hell?
- Quick, Terry,
go grab
the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!
On it! Ah!
Terry, help!
This Lululemon basic ho is kicking my ass
in the most boring way possible!
sh**t her with
the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!
What the hell is that!
Hold still, this ray's gonna
make you terrific and some other stuff.
Don't you dare sh**t me with that!
I'll sue you!
She's getting basic-er by the second!
Give me that.
You used the wrong ray!
This is the Rat Ray!
We needed the R-A-T Ray.
It's right there, you idiot.
- Can't you read?
- Of course I can.
He can't.
Why would you put them
in order of first letter?
- It's alphabetical, Terry!
- Oh my god. What does that mean?
- Ahh!
- sh*t! Grab her, grab her!
Oh my god, Terry, if we don't get her back
in time for the wedding,
the Red Goobler
will hunt us for sure!
f*ck! Okay, okay, okay,
I'll find her and de-rat her
while you keep
the Red Goobler distracted.
Come out, Jen.
We can go to a coffee shop
that has a painting of wings on a wall,
you can pose
in front of it, so fun.
Get the f*ck out here!
Ice cream break.
I want a Sonic pop.
Not the new design
Twitter bullied them into. The original!
Oh no,
that's too complicated.
Give me a Ninja Turtle pop
from the second of the first movies
but not from the cartoons!
Oh f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
Rat Jen, no!
Ring me up!
Come on, let's go.
Go, ninja!
Go, ninja, go!
Welcome to your bachelor party!
Red already had one of these
a month ago.
We built an orphanage
in Nicaragua.
Goddammit, Tanner!
You're always undercutting me.
Who are you?
I'm the guy who dropped
mucho shekels on a penthouse suite.
And not to distract you
from anything,
only because
I love hospitality.
Oh, that's amazing, Korvo!
Thank you!
This is a dream come true.
Ever since I saw
Wedding Crashers,
I've wanted to have
a Hangover-themed bachelor party.
It's your big night, baby.
Hangover stuff!
Whoa!
This is the last night
before Red Goobler sells his land
to Jen's family
in exchange for her dusty womb.
Let's make it one
to remember!
Hell yeah! Let me just
check in with Jen,
and then we can hit the fl
No phones, bro!
Bachelor party rules!
Let's hit the strip Indiana Jones
passage of time style!
Cocaine for everyone!
Brrrr!
- Oh!
- Oh yeah.
Wow. Regionals is everything
I thought it would be.
Alright, you filthy f*cking aliens,
if you guys win,
we're gonna be drowning
in Hawaiian p*ssy.
Do this for me.
Oh no, oh man.
There are so many people here.
We're gonna get caught
for sure.
Okay, look, I'll dial back
the Cheater device.
That way, we can compete
but still lose.
Then we'll just sip Mai Tais
on the beach
while Cooke gets
his rocks off.
Okay.
On your marks. Get set.
Holy f*ck! Yes!
Thirty seconds?
You son of a bitch!
We went even faster that time!
sh*t! I must've adjusted it
the wrong way!
Maybe nobody noticed!
Excuse me, I couldn't help
but notice you two
Oh god, we're so sorry.
A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt
made us do it!
We don't even like going fast.
Stacy Grabowski,
this is my partner Flart.
We're with
the Federal Student Athlete Police.
There's something suspicious
going on here.
D-uh. What do you mean?
It's suspicious that you two
aren't running in the Olympics!
You're so fast!
Holy sh*t. I saw that coming
a mile away. Get it?
We're here scouting
for the US Teen Olympic track team,
and we just need you
on our roster.
The race is this Sunday
in Moscow.
Now we'll finally be able to b*at
those no-good cheatin' Russians
with the most morally sound pair
of supersonic American children!
Ruskie Pusskie,
here we comski!
Mm, yeah.
We're doing a blood pact.
Hurry before I get dizzy.
sh*t, sorry,
I forgot how much my blood
loves the taste of human blood.
Classic Vegas moment.
Jen, get that tight rat ass
back here, girl!
Ooh, that's right,
it's the entire series
of Terriers on Blu-Ray.
Rats love Terriers, don't you?
There you go. Good girl.
They should have
never canceled it.
What the f*ck
were they thinking?
Nah. Ah, damn it!
Which one is Jen?
Ah, they all have great asses!
Goddammit.
Okay, Terry, buckle down.
This is your moment to shine.
I will not rest until
Ooh, ice cream!
Weird how he yelled,
"I'm invincible!"
before proving
the exact opposite.
You put in six b*ll*ts!
Don't you know
how to play Russian Roulette?
No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out
as we went along.
And now I know.
Less b*ll*ts, got it.
Don't worry,
I can fix this.
Whoa!
I don't want to go
into too much detail here,
but, uh, it turns out
only some dogs go to Heaven.
The other dogs are r*cist.
White dogs.
Come on, come on.
Ahh, why didn't I just do two trips?
Hopefully, none
of those were Jen.
AISHA, I need a machine
that puts wedding dresses on rats.
Oooh!
That's machine 25.
Come on, where are you,
you basic bride.
Probably buying a rug
at Cost Plus World Market.
What a night
of distracting activities!
I haven't had to bury a body
in the desert in quite some time.
Thank you for tonight.
I know you put a lot of thought into it.
Anything for you, Red Goobler.
Hey, would it be crazy
if I changed my name to Chris?
It's a strong, beautiful name.
It suits you Chris.
Here. Let me see your hand.
Ooh, your hands are so warm.
Look at your stress line.
It begins at your palm
and travels all the way to your heart.
Mm. That feels good.
Are we doing this?
Hey! Hey! Dude. Buddy.
Come on, wake up.
I need my stuff!
Ugh. How is he sleeping
through that alarm, it's like blaring.
I told you you'd get f*cked.
Uhh, I didn't know
it was foreshadowing.
Oh God, I just cheated on Jen,
and I don't regret it!
Does that mean
we shouldn't get married?
No. You still need to get married.
To me!
We're Runaway Bride-ing this sh*t!
Ugh. This is it. We're done.
Someone's gonna find out
we're big cheaters
and then they're gonna k*ll us
just like they did with Lance Armstrong.
He wasn't k*lled,
they just took one nut.
But we don't have any nuts!
What are they gonna take?
Maybe this isn't as big
of a deal as it feels.
Nobody pays attention
to the Teen Olympics.
I haven't even heard of it before.
- Michelle Obama?
- Jesse, Yummy!
My two American superstars.
Um, hi. What's up, MO?
Ever since I became President
in this timeline,
I've been looking for heroes.
You two are the image
of honesty and integrity,
which is why I bet
the entire US treasury
on you to win today.
- Aw, man, that's legal?
- Hell yeah.
Bush was riding high after 9/11,
and he lost it all on WrestleMania.
So the entire fate of the country
relies on us winning honestly?
Yes. And if you lose,
we'll have to close America,
and everyone in the world
will know it's your fault.
- I'll admit this has gone way too far.
- You think?
Let's just say we didn't eat
enough McDonald's
so now we have expl*sive diarrhea
and can't run.
No. Enough is enough.
We can't just keep cheating
and hoping nobody kills us.
- This is done.
- You're so right.
It's time for us
to stand up and come clean.
This charade ends now.
Because what good is the fame,
the money, the sex,
the American Express commercials
with Tina Fey and Michael Che?
You've won the hearts
of millions with your speed
but mostly with your integrity.
- Thank you.
- You betcha.
All of us in the country
have chipped in
to get you a little present.
Ten million dollars!
A million for each second you took
to run the mile today.
Woo! So fast.
We should've done this sooner.
I've been searching
for a life-mate for years
not knowing one was
inside me all along.
I'm yours forever, Korvy.
Quick, love, Apple Maps
the nearest chapel.
There's a fast casual Mormon castle
two miles away.
Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast
together, as a couple, while we drive.
Today, we'll be talking
about the sound of brass.
Brass tones
Can we, uh, listen to something else?
Come on, give it a chance.
If this is going to work,
we need to be honest with each other.
And I honestly hate everything
about this podcast.
Fine, my sweet.
What do you want to listen to?
See, Ayahuasca might actually be
the tree of life
we've been searching for.
The healing properties
are astronomical.
Free g*ns don't come free.
You have to lick feet.
This guy sucks!
I don't like this.
What? Joe Rogan is
our generation's Maya Angelou.
Our generation already has
a Maya Angelou.
It's Mark Cuban!
- Hey, hun?
- Yes, darling?
I love you,
but you sound like an assh*le
when you say stuff like that.
How can I sound like an assh*le
when I don't even have one?
Also, what were you f*cking me in
earlier in that one scene?
Dammit, I'm gooblering!
See what you made me do?
Well, you liked what I made you do
last night, slut!
- This isn't gonna work, is it, Chris?
- I'm afraid it isn't.
What have I done? I can't believe
I ruined what I had with Jen.
I'm an idiot.
I al I always do this.
Maybe it's not too late.
May maybe we can get you back
for the wedding.
- We don't have time.
- We have plenty of
sh*t! We gotta hurry! I forgot time
always moves forward on this planet.
You're such a bad driver.
- I f*cking hate you.
- Tell me about yourself.
Squeeeeeeee.
- Wait. Jen?
- Reee, reee, squeee.
Dammit! You're a rat.
Squeeee.
f*ck it! I just have
to make you awesome.
Red Goobler won't even notice
the difference.
- Ree. Reeee.
- Squee, squee.
That's it,
you guys sound cool as hell!
Hey, just want to say again,
congrats on winning everything
one could win
and doing it without cheating.
Ugh, I can't take it anymore!
When are we going
to learn a lesson?
Usually getting away with things
makes me feel good,
but this blows.
Getting into USC as a long snapper
was the last straw.
Usually at this point in our adventures,
we've learned a lesson.
I feel like ants are crawling
on my skin.
Is it cold? Is it hot?
Oh god, I'm sweating and freezing!
We're in lesson withdrawal!
We're gonna keep feeling this way
unless we learn some lesson.
But how? What can we do?
Wait! This whole time,
we've been cheating.
But what if cheated
even more than ever before
and used another sci-fi device
to double down on cheating?
Do we have anything
that teaches a lesson?
Well, we do have
that Lesson-alyzer helmet,
but, I mean, we don't wanna
use that, do we?
Did it work?
Did you learn a lesson?
Oh yeah, and it feels amazing.
I learned "Don't count your chickens
before they hatch."
Oooh!
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.
- What did you get?
- "Beer before liquor, never sicker."
Oh, that's a good one.
- You want another hit?
- Yeah, f*ck yeah.
I need your help moving
15 to 20 rat women
to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!
That's the most Solar Opposites thing
I've ever heard.
Ohhh yeah.
"The thicker the cushion,
the sweeter the pushin'."
I gotta remember that
when I'm at the couch store.
We must never speak about
what happened in that hotel room.
I'm talking about the f*cking.
No sh*t, you idiot.
Why would you bring that up right now?
I'm about to get married.
Sorry, I just hope that you
and Jen stay happily married,
keeping us safe
from your repressed rage.
Multiple brides?
Are we doing a YouTube thing?
Jen! Which one's Jen?
Aw, man, if you don't know,
then I definitely don't.
She's not here!
Who the hell are these brides?
Terry, what the hell?
You you didn't find her?
What do you mean "find her"?
What the f*ck is going on?
Oh wow, where to begin.
I turned that bitch into a rat.
What?
"Ass, grass, or gas.
Nobody rides for free."
f*ck you, you Shlorpian sh*t bags!
You've ruined my life!
You know what,
screw you, Red Chris!
You pillow talk told me
you didn't really love Jen.
Yeah, this wasn't our fault
Wait, pillow talk?
- Did you two doink?
- Nothing. Forget it.
We banged. Shut up about it.
The best way to cope
with stress is to confront it.
Only then can you truly be happy.
Or at least satisfied a little bit.
She's right.
You are my stress, Red Goobler.
I, I should have never gotten caught up
trying to manage you or work with you.
I have to set boundaries.
By lasering your ass!
Ah!
Get f*cked!
Goddammit, now we're back
where we started.
But we all learned a valuable lesson.
At least you did, about stress,
and I guess the replicants did
about cheating.
- I-I didn't learn anything at all.
- Give Terry the lesson helmet
so he can learn a lesson
like the rest of us.
Whoa, I just learned that sometimes
emotional stories don't fit
into a rigid structure,
and you just have to embrace the chaos
and not worry about it.
As a family.
If you feel like you haven't learned
a lesson, please visit
You get the first lesson for free,
but it's on the honor system after that.
So you have to send us money.
And if you agree to send the money,
then you've learned a lesson.
And if you don't, well, you're a d*ck
that steals from cartoons.
02x05 - The Rad Awesome Terrific Ray
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Centers around Terry, Korvo, Jesse, and Yumyulack — a family of aliens who crash land on Earth and are forced to stay there, often disagreeing on whether this is a good thing.
Centers around Terry, Korvo, Jesse, and Yumyulack — a family of aliens who crash land on Earth and are forced to stay there, often disagreeing on whether this is a good thing.