02x06 - The Apple Pencil Pro

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic theme playing]

♪

This place is amazing.

How do they keep incrementally improving

products year after year?

Oh. The Apple Pencil Pro is far superior

to last year's disgusting,

obsolete Apple Pencil.

The new one can write in cursive.

I literally saw Emily Dickinson

writing poetry with it

in the Apple TV+ show Dickinson

on my Apple TV!

Oh, they have

a U2 branded Wi-Fi router?

Wow! It's red!

For every four bars of signal you get,

Bono sends a pair of shoes

to a sea turtle.

Hey there, you looking for a repair

Fetch me an Apple Pencil Pro,

Apple servant.

You got it.

You want a charging necklace too?

The pencil runs out of batteries very fa

[screaming] Get away from me! Wee!

- Help!

- Oh my god, Pete, you okay?

These are the psycho aliens

that tortured me in their dungeon!

That's impossible. We turned

our dungeon into a Florida room.

Yeah, we've never even met

this f*ckin' freak show!

- Hello, sir, I'm

- Don't touch me!

Siri, call the cops!

SIRI:

Playing Destiny's Child.

[siren wailing]

♪

That's them!

[camera shutter clicking]

[gloves stretching]

- He doesn't have a hole.

- We'll just have to make one.

Hey, how's it going?

The Solar Opposites are going to jail!

KORVO:

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking

this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

This is, this is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers]

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Do they like Brendan Fraser or not?

He's a good guy.

Give him a chance.

♪

[ominous music playing]

♪

Chris Cicowski, 35.

Mandy Sinclair, 28.

Jeffrey Dean Dorgan, 33.

Agnes Peterbort,

75 years old.

Tomorrow would have been

her birthday.

Cool list, bro. I take my coffee

with a splash of mouse milk.

Then maybe you don't understand

what's happening here.

You're done.

I know you k*lled all those people,

I was an executive story editor

on Bones seasons five through nine

and let me tell you, friend,

that's a season wrap on Ethan!

Aw. You never even got a bump

to co-producer? Pathetic.

I bet they just stuck you

in the Bones joke room.

We didn't have a joke room,

it was an innuendo room.

And I was only there

for the back nine.

[exhales]

If you ever want to see

the halogen reptile lamp

that Yumyulack uses to simulate

the light of day again,

you better start cooperating.

- [yawns]

- Buddy, you got it all wrong.

I'm going to be walking out of here,

and you're not.

You think Tim and the Walldermen

are just gonna let you go?

Oh yeah, babe.

Without me, Tim is nothing.

Nada, zero, zilch.

Oh wow, I didn't realize I was talking

to someone so important.

You think Jesse gives us CLIF bars,

chewable Tylenol, and Dasani water?

[laughs]

Come on.

All that protein and medicine

that you're used to?

This guy.

So I'm supposed to believe

you're k*lling people during the week,

then turning big and running errands

on the weekends?

Oh my god, you're so stupid.

Listen, there is a hole

in the top of the Wall.

It's been there

since before the w*r.

The Duke would use it

to bring in extra supplies

to keep control

of the population.

A top-secret hole that

we could use to escape, huh?

You have quite

the imagination, m*rder*r.

Broheim had

an Amazon Fresh subscription.

They'd throw the deliveries on the roof,

then I'd just climb out and I'd get ‘em.

Now I do the same thing

for my close personal friend, Tim.

[grunts]

I'm sick of this bullshit!

There's no hole in the Wall,

and I won't let you drag Tim's good name.

In the beforefore time,

I was a rock climbing instructor

at Bally's Total Fitness.

Outside the Wall,

the only thing I used to m*rder

was indoor climbing walls.

And I care why?

Once I got in here,

I had so much temptation,

you know, so many potential victims,

and no rock climbing to distract me.

At first, I was going to k*ll myself.

That way, I wouldn't m*rder anyone.

But then you saved me.

- What?

- Oh, you don't remember, do you?

I am the one who started

the flooding of the Nerds.

My plan was to die in that Nerd pile

and finally escape my impulses.

But then you saved me.

♪

- Oh my god.

- That's when I knew I was special.

You saved me

so I could fulfill my destiny.

[laughs] I'm a god!

- Shut up!

- I'm a god!

[cackling]

MAN: Let's go.

Let's get in here.

- Let's do this.

- Welp, that's my ride.

Okay, let's say there is

some big conspiracy

to help you k*ll

innocent people.

But now you've told me

the whole plan, Mr. Total Fitness.

So what happens next?

I don't know, they'll probably just come

in here and k*ll you

and then blame it on a cricket.

What? How the hell

do you know about the cricket?

These guys aren't exactly

creative geniuses.

They always just blame it

on a cricket.

[buzzer sounds]

Has anyone mistreated you

since you got here?

I'm not saying anything

until our lawyer gets here.

Oh my god, I'm your lawyer.

How many times do we have

to go over this?

Objection, overruled,

I rest my case.

This isn't even the trial

forget it.

Let me walk you

through the accusations,

and I gotta say,

they seem very specific.

According to Peter,

the, uh, Okja-type character,

this all started off

when Korvo got annoyed

at an annual

Rib Fest-style block party

on the street

outside your house

[rock music playing on speakers]

[inaudible chatter]

Pupa, put those delicious ribs down!

Goddammit,

I hate this stupid Rib Fest.

There's nowhere to park,

they play rib jams all day,

and some guy who's not me

always wins the "Best Ribs" competition!

Why can't Korvo

be a winner for once?

You know, Korvo, you could take

some barbecue classes

at The Learning Annex

or watch some YouTube videos,

chefnap Paula Deen

Kidnapping people takes too long,

I'll just use sci-fi sh*t!

STEPHANIE: The prosecution claims

Korvo created a giant pig thing

that self-cooked racks

of award-winning ribs

out of its chest,

whose blood tasted like

delicious barbecue sauce,

and when struck

"shat out all the fixins."

KORVO: Dammit, that does sound like

something I would do.

Right down to the "fixin'" shits.

Where am I? Wh-what am I?

Are you my dad? Wee! Help!

Ohh!

- Whoa-oh! Oh!

- Mm, that's good rib.

Could use a little

barbecue sauce though.

Oh no!

STEPHANIE: Korvo won

five straight Rib Fest gold medals,

dethroning Lizzo's cousin, Ribbo,

as the Rib Fest champion.

Please let me go.

Hold still, I need a potluck worth

of your sh*t for a church event tonight.

Korvo, wait! I need Peter

to help me with my math homework.

He's not going to be able

to focus if he's screaming.

What's the X in this equation?

Tell me!

Hi, guys! Are we having a

Oh my god, what's that?

Please, little girl! These guys

are crazy. You gotta help me!

Don't worry, little guy. Jesse's here.

You have to let him go!

You can't just keep a creature trapped

in your basement and t*rture it.

You clearly don't understand

how important it is to win rib contests.

- Ohhh! Oh!

- [sobbing] Oh god!

Guys! Come watch me do donuts

on the front lawn!

I finally figured out how to do it.

Turns out it's a circle!

- Awesome!

- Alright.

[door closes]

[grunting]

[gasps, farts]

- [cheering]

- TERRY: f*ck you, lawn! Woo!

- Yeah-hey! Woo!

- [tires screeching]

STEPHANIE: Peter escaped

while you were distracted by the donuts.

He spent a few nights in the woods,

then he moved on with his life,

got his MFA

in interpretive dance,

couldn't find work, duh,

so he got a job at the Apple Store

with all the other people

who have MFAs.

Okay, look: full disclosure,

that story really did sound

like something

we would do, r-right?

Yeah, I mean, it feels like

something we'd pitch to Hulu

and they'd say,

"We don't understand it but go for it."

But I don't remember any of it.

I never went to a Rib Fest or met

this delicious rib-looking Peter guy.

Yeah, just because

the story "sounded like us"

doesn't mean we did it.

Yeah, we're good people.

Remember that time we turned

that homeless guy's blood

into Vitamin Water?

O-o-or when we k*lled

millions of bees

so people wouldn't get stung?

Yeah, we invented vaping,

that has to count for something!

You're both right.

We're great.

This was one hundred percent not us!

Well, Peter is a convincing witness.

Plus he's a big alien thing

and you're aliens,

so it's not hard

to think that you did this.

- What does that mean for us?

- It means you're f*cked.

[slams table]

This is your last chance

to let me go, buddy.

Here they they're coming,

do you feel 'em?

Do you feel 'em? They're coming.

It's all over for you. Get ready.

Oh, that hurt.

Halk. Calm down, big guy,

don't do anything crazy.

Just put the Ring Pop Kn*fe down.

- Stay back!

- Let me k*ll him, please!

- What are you doing?

- He's the k*ller!

The 7 was an L,

it was upside-down.

He lived in a fortune cookie.

Wait, what are you talking about?

If you caught the real k*ller,

then great!

But if you k*ll him,

it'll just make you a k*ller too.

Stay back! Don't take

another f*ckin' step.

[buzzer sounds]

You know,

I bet prison isn't all that bad.

All I have to do is bide my time

until I go to the Sorting Hat.

You know what I'm saying,

my man?

You're confusing prison

with the Harry Potter movies.

Don't make assumptions about people,

he might've read the books.

f*ck you! Even if he had,

he couldn't avoid

the cultural impact of the movies!

- [grunting]

- Come on, you won't fight me!

Aah! Does this mean

I don't get to be in Hufflepuff?

Aah! Ow!

Ow! God!

What the f*ck!

Oh no, please tell me you got

a backup cr*ck pipe inside that butt.

How does everyone in this prison

have so many shivs?

Well, they teach

a shiv-making class on weekends.

- Why?

- Yumyulack, you know what they say:

give a man a shiv,

he shivs for a day.

Now, teach a man to shiv

Ugh, this place is horrible.

There's hardly any sushi,

the guy making

the sushi is a r*pist,

and he charges you airport prices

right before he shivs you.

This is f*cking bullshit.

I know we didn't do this to Peter.

We're nice, Pupa-fearing,

Fox News-believing members of society.

How did we get here then?

There's only one explanation.

The Solar Opposites are getting set up.

[Jesse, Terry, Yumyulack gasp]

Someone wanted to take us down.

It's a conspiracy,

and we can't trust anyone.

Oh!

You think Peter's the mastermind?

No way! Peter's the best.

He has the face and ribs of an angel.

How could you say that about Peter

after everything he's been through?

Seriously, Terry, go f*ck yourself.

If sweet angel Peter

didn't do it, who did?

Is there someone in our world

we offended in some way?

Um, last week Yumyulack and I

didn't want to take a history test,

so we used the Bone Changer Ray

to turn Ms. Frankie's bones into metal

like Marvel's Wolverine.

[metal detector beeping]

[gasps]

- What's happening to me? Argh!

- Hello, sweetie!

Did you forget to take your keys

out of your pocket again?

[all screaming]

[screams]

Jesus, that's grim.

It must have been Ms. Frankie.

Well, hold on, there was also

this thing with Roland last Tuesday

I just watched Toy Story 4,

and I thought it would be fun

to make someone's toys come alive.

So I zapped this guy's stuff

with our Make-Alive Ray.

Live , m*therf*ckers, live!

[ray zapping]

Why is my stuff alive?

What's happening?

[screaming]

[growling]

That's messed up, Terry.

But another viable suspect.

- It could also be Matthew.

- Who?

He's the neighborhood fuckboi

who hates me for no reason.

He's kind of my nemesis.

Matthew told me I wasn't allowed

to wear Christ-mas sweaters

because I don't know anything

about Christ-mas,

whatever the f*ck that is.

So I decided to sh**t him

with the sci-fi holiday cannon.

[expl*si*n booms]

Oh!

Oh god! No!

I can't feel my soul!

Who doesn't know

about Christ-mas now, you f*ck?

Okay, wow, we just flashed back

to three really good options

for who's framing us.

Honestly, there could be dozens

of hundreds more.

Guys, stop. Think about it.

There's no way

humans could do this.

- They're dumb as f*ck.

- Yum's right, they hella dumb.

They're so budget.

Jesse, stop trying to make budget

the new basic.

But yes, in this one instance,

they are budget.

But someone did this to us.

Someone who's smart,

powerful, handsome,

loves animals,

has cheek bones for days,

lots of time on their hands.

Who could it be?

- JESSE/KORVO/YUMYULACK: Obama!

- TERRY: Dora the Explorer!

Yes, Obama!

The pride of Occidental College.

m*therf*cker's been on our sh*t

ever since we out-windsurfed him in Cabo.

We have to break out of prison

and clear our names.

Hooray! The Solar Opposites

are staging a breakout!

[keypad beeping]

- Pupa, you up?

- Yes!

[indiscernible whispering]

♪

[grunting]

♪

Ta-da!

KORVO/TERRY/JESSE/YUMYULACK:

Pupa!

[all cheering]

- Yes!

- Yes!

[sirens wailing]

Alright, the cops are after us.

That's enough Shawshank-ing.

Wait, what the hell are these?

[gasps]

Oh god. Oh no.

POLICEWOMAN:

[over megaphone] We've got you surrounded!

Come out with your hands up!

Come on , Korvo! Let's grab our stuff

and get out of here!

No, no, no! Look at the ribbons!

And the certificates!

Look at the f*cking trophies!

But I thought you didn't win

any rib contests?

We all must have erased our minds.

We did do all that

horrible stuff to Pete.

Oh god. We're monsters!

No way, we're always using

sci-fi stuff to help people!

No, we don't.

We're cowards and sneaky shits

who use sci-fi to make

our lives easier.

No one was setting us up,

we really just are horrible people,

I mean, aliens.

POLICEWOMAN: [over megaphone]

Guys, this is your final warning

before things get all pew-pew-pew.

Wait, what?

People don't get tha

Okay, just to be clear,

pew-pew-pew means we're gonna be

sh**ting b*ll*ts out of g*ns,

not Star Wars lasers.

You guys got that, right?

Look, we're guilty of a lot,

but we can pay the price for Peter.

We have to let ourselves get arrested

and go back to prison.

Hooray! The Solar Opposites

are taking responsibility!

[sirens wailing]

Don't sh**t,

we-we-we-we're coming out.

POLICEWOMAN:

Hold your pew-pews!

[handcuffs clicking]

[uplifting music playing]

♪

♪

[foreboding music playing]

♪

[sighs]

- HALK: Tim!

- TIM: What the hell?

Halk Hogam,

what are you doing here?

We need to talk!

Of course, anything for a hero

of Wall w*r I.

Don't listen to him, Tim.

He's gone crazy.

He's trying

to ruin Cherie Day!

I've caught the real m*rder*r.

He claims he's some kind of runner

who goes outside the Wall

for celery sticks and gum.

He says you

and the Walldermen protect him.

What the hell?

You told me it was a cricket.

That's the line they were trying

to feed me, too.

So this is the man

who's been terrorizing my utopia?

Yes. You assholes,

I told you

Tim would want justice!

My sweet Ethan.

You're supposed to help me.

- What did you do, you stupid boy?

- Wait, what?

I've been making the Wall

a better place for all of us!

- You knew?

- [Tim sighs]

I've known Ethan for a long time.

And yes, there is

a hole in the Wall.

There is a way out.

[Halk gasps]

- My god.

- Ethan does runs for me.

He gets medicine, food,

using a system the Duke set up.

But I didn't know

he was k*lling people.

I was just exerting my will as a god!

Hey, would you tell him,

you guys, that I'm a god?

You guys knew this was happening?

We were just doing

what we thought you would want.

We wanted to shield you

from the truth

so you could focus

on leading us all.

What you've done goes

against everything we've fought for!

But I know your hearts

are in the right place.

- I won't punish you.

- What?

That's not the way of the Wall.

f*ck no!

They can't just walk away!

- Thank you, Tim.

- Thank you for your mercy, Tim.

But, Ethan, we have to lock you up.

- It's for your own good, my son.

- You can't lock me up!

'Cause I'll just escape

and I'll k*ll all of you!

Because I am a god.

Halk, please let Ethan go

with the Walldermen.

You have my word:

he won't hurt anyone else.

ETHAN: Ow!

Take him to the holding chamber.

ETHAN:

I can get out of anything. [grunts]

I command you to release me!

Ow, let me go!

[Ethan grunting]

HALK: What's that?

Tim! What are you doing?

Take the carb out, man!

Let us out!

I can't. You let Ethan get away

with sullying the Wall.

The blood is on

all your tiny hands.

Farewell, my friends.

[Sonny grunting]

Oh no, Magic Shell!

[screaming]

[gagging]

Not like this! No!

[gagging]

No, no, no, no, no, Tim!

Tim, I can stop k*lling!

I'm, I'm better now!

No, no, no!

[screaming]

[gagging]

[cracking]

[sighs]

I had no choice.

They were part of the old way,

part of the problem.

But you, Halk, you can be part

of the solution.

Walk with me.

Even if you didn't know

Ethan was a k*ller,

you've kept the secret

of the hole this entire time.

I'm not asking you

to give me your trust,

but I owe you the truth,

all of it.

Hear me out, and then

you can decide what you want to do.

[gavel banging]

Terry, Korvo,

Yumyulack, Jesse.

I find you guilty on all counts.

I recommend you to be put to death.

If anyone has an issue with this,

speak now

or forever hold your pe-ace.

- I have something to say.

- [all gasp]

Terry, the replicants,

and I have talked it over,

and we believe that we should,

in fact, be sentenced to death.

We, we deserve it.

Also, "speak now or forever hold

your peace" is for weddings.

Folks, I didn't win the hit

ABC reality show America's Sexiest Judge

just to be disrespected

in my own court space.

Now for the deets

on the execush

- Stop.

- [all gasp]

I believe the Solar Opposites

don't deserve to die.

Whoa!

Whoa, I did not see that coming.

It was that big rib monster

they trapped in the basement.

But I had to keep it cool.

I mean, I was the sexy judge.

Speak your truth, homie.

Yes, they are really,

really terrible people,

which is why they deserve

something worse than the death penalty.

If they die,

they'll only suffer for a moment.

But if they live,

they'll have to suffer the guilt

of what they've done forever.

Oh, we can do that.

I feel totes guilty.

George, I am so sorry.

There are punishments

that will keep them in pain

way longer than k*lling them,

some real f*cked-up stuff.

Like here, let me show you.

Check out this video on YouTube.

Holy f*ck, we never even did

something like that at my frat! [screaming on video]

We did get close though.

RIP, Bryce. We miss you, man.

If it's on YouTube,

how bad can it be?

I-I-I bet it's just like weird tickling.

[crowd shouting]

The aliens are going to put on gloves

filled with Brazilian b*llet Ants.

The ants have the most

painful venom on Earth,

and each glove has over 500 ants.

The pain lasts for days!

[crowd shouting, cheering]

[screaming]

- KORVO: I deserve this!

- TERRY: Aah! Me too!!

JESSE: Stingers!

- [crowd cheering]

- MS. FRANKIE: Ha ha ha, yeah!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

[lock beeps]

[engine starts]

♪

We did it!

We out sci-fi'd

those piece of sh*t aliens!

Oh, it was complicated as hell,

but we did it!

I can't remember,

can you tell us how we did it again?

I used the Bone Changer Ray

to turn a regular pig

into that giant, rib-filled monster.

I bought some Solar Opposites masks

from the Hulu Store's

going-out-of-business sale.

I also got 15 Pen15 pens

that are also dildos.

Matthew, it was a genius idea

to switch the Holiday Spirit Cannon

to 4th of July mode.

MATTHEW: That's right.

Pre-cooked ribs.

Coleslaw poop and salt rub tears.

[grunts]

[farts]

MS. FRANKIE:

And, Roland, excellent call

to use the Make-Alive Ray

to really land the plane.

Holy f*ck, I'm aware

of my existence!

- ROLAND: Your name is Peter.

- Pe-ter?

- ROLAND: Aw, geez, don't cha know

- MS: FRANKIE: Today, I've learned a lesson.

MATTHEW: I'm Terry!

I'm gonna do donuts in the yard!

MS. FRANKIE: It was so easy

to leave the harness unbuckled

during our fake family meeting

so Peter could escape.

[grunting]

[gasps, farts]

[glasses clink]

Now those bitch-ass aliens can pay

for all their crimes!

Today, humanity wins!

- Whoa!

- Woo!

Oh sh*t! What have I done?

- [crowd cheering]

- JESSE: Oh lord, the pain!

I can feel it in my whole body!

YUMYULACK: I can too!

- JESSE: Even in my inner eye!

- YUMYULACK: But it's, it's good!

- We needed it!

- TERRY: We're pieces of sh*t!

We're big pieces of shitty sh*t!

KORVO:

Ohh! We'll never be mean again!

We'll learn how to have empathy!

We learned our lesson!

[screaming]

[crowd shouting]

Oh my god,

look at this guy's shirt!

Is that supposed to be

a Wayne's World parody?

- Is your name Mark?

- YUMYULACK: Ow! Ow!

Those movies came out

a million years ago!

What kind of loser gets his name added

to a Wayne's World shirt?

- You suck!

- That's so embarrassing!

You're a real f*cking idiot,

you know that!

I can't even look at you!

Get out of here, you f*cking freak!

YUMYULACK:

Terry's right, get out of here!

Oh, these ants feel bad,

but sh1tting on humans

almost evens it out!

[screaming continues]

- [cheering]

- TIM: Oh, wow. Look at this.

Good Cherie Day, everyone.

[laughs]

Oh, that's perfect!

Wow!

Good Cherie Day to you.

I've never told anyone this,

but it's been eating away at me.

Now is the time to tell

the true story of Cherie's death.

The story you know it's a lie.

Yes, she was a hero

who helped me defeat the Duke.

Yes, she was my lover,

and yes, we had a bunch of sex.

- p*ssy was poppin'. It was

- Tim, please.

The Duke didn't k*ll her

during the w*r.

- HALK: But then how

- TIM: Cherie, she sees this hole,

this little piece of blue sky,

and she snaps.

She started talking crazy.

She wants to force people out

into the backyard

to let them get eaten by owls.

I thought Cherie and I were

on the same page,

but I realized she was

just like the Duke.

In the end,

they both wanted chaos

and didn't stop to think

about the lives

they would ruin on the way.

She fought me.

And I k*lled Cherie.

I k*lled the love of my life

to save us all.

No, jus don't say that!

I should've never kept

the Duke's Enforcers in power.

All I did was change their name

to the Walldermen. Clever.

But still, the point of keeping the hole

a secret was to protect people.

Why are you telling me this?

I never asked to be

in charge of this Wall.

It weighs on a man.

And I've been carrying

that weight alone for far too long.

Now we can bear it together.

What do you mean?

I leave it up to you:

you can tell everyone the truth.

Life will change,

it might be hard, but that's life.

Or you can help me cover this up.

We'll hide what Ethan did,

and life can continue.

[sighs]

Either way, it feels good

to not be the man on top of it all.

So, Halk

what are you going to do?

Wallians, welcome to the first

annual Cherie Day.

[crowd cheering, applauding]

Before we get to celebrating

our fallen hero,

there is an important

announcement to make.

But you won't be

hearing it from me.

[crowd murmuring]

We captured the m*rder*r.

It was

a rogue cricket

who got in the Wall.

[cheering]

That's right!

Thank you, Halk!

You're a hero once again.

We can now go back

to life knowing

the Wall is safer

than ever before!

For Cherie!

Cherie! Cherie!

Cherie!

CROWD:

Cherie! Cherie!

Cherie! Cherie!

[dramatic theme playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]