07x17 - The Bucks Stop Here

[bunniefuu]

[ birds chirping ]

Well, good morning,
My friends.

[ muttering ]
Good morning.

Well, I'm glad to see
We're all gathered together.

I have
An announcement to make.

You'll all invited
To my penthouse this evening

To honor
Clayton endicott jr.

Jr.?
You have children?

Now, that would be
An amazing story.

No, no, no. Katherine,
The junior is my father.

He's coming into town,

And I am giving
A dinner for him.

You sound excited.

Of course he's excited.
He gets his allowance tonight.

Very amusing, benson.

Now, who is going to
Be there tonight?

Free food? Me. Me.
I'll be there.

Good. Governor?

I think I'm free tonight.
What time?

:. Benson?

I'm gonna have to
Check my schedule.

You don't have any appointments
This evening.

I'd still like to check.

Trust me, you're available.

Kraus.

You're free, completely open.

I'd love to attend.

I'll see you in my office.

Now, try to be on time.

Cocktails at :.
Dinner at :.

Am I invited?

Well, uh...Uh...

No.

Benson, your coat.

Yeah.
Hang it near the front.

Can I get
You-all anything?

You got a tv guide?

Benson, I want you

To be on your
Best behavior tonight.

My father
Is escorting a lady.

What am I, goose fat?

Yes. Yes.

Come on, now, fellas.

I think she looks
Very nice tonight.

Thank you, I think.

Gee, I sure am glad
To hear

That your father
Is dating, clayton.

Well, sir,
Since my mother passed away,

My father's happiness
Is my only consideration.

[ laughs ]

Do you have something to say,
Miss kraus?

This wine
Goes right to my head.

Good.
That's where your mouth is.

[ doorbell rings ]

A-ha-ha.
Here they are.

Now, remember,
Best behavior.

Father.

Son.

Another heartfelt reunion.

Clayton, darlene.

Darlene, clayton.

Uh, hello.

It's nice
To meet you.

Jiminy crickets.

This wine
Is older than she is.

So?

So I'm jealous.
How old do you suppose she is?

I don't know, but it must
Have been a vintage year.

Oh, nice to see you again,
Governor.

Nice
To see you, too.

Hey, hey,
Hey, hey.

Hey, whitey.
[ chuckles ]

Benson,
Mind your manners.

What are you talking about?
That's his nickname.

Oh. Sorry.

I don't think
I've had the honor.

I'm gretchen kraus.
I don't have a nickname.

Yes, she does, but we don't
Use it in public.

Nice to meet you,
Gretchen.

I'd like you all to say a
Big hello to darlene montgomery.

How do you do?

Well, can I get you two
Something --

Some wine, scotch...

Popsicle?

Wine.

Well,
Let's all sit down.

Yeah.

Let's sit down.
Good idea.

So, whitey,
How was your flight?

Oh, just extraordinary,
But that's a layman's opinion.

Why don't
You ask the pilot?

You're a pilot, darlene?

Yeah, well,
I get a kick out of it.

[ chuckles ]
I'll bet.

Well, here we are.

Thank you.

Darlene was just telling us
That she flies.

Oh.

Do you do stunts?

So, darlene, are you
A professional pilot?

No, no.
It's just a hobby.

I'm vice-president
Of c.E. Clothiers.

Oh?

Father's retail subsidiary.

[ chuckles ]

Well,
Tell me, darlene,

Just how long have you
Been with father...

Professionally speaking?

About six months.

I see.

And how long have you
Been with father socially?

About six months.

I see.

I've always been fascinated
By airplanes myself.

I see.

You have
A point to make, son?

Oh, no, sir.

I-I just, uh,

I just
Find it interesting

That darlene's jump
Into the corporate world

Has coincided
With her jumping --

It's amazing
How they put those things

Up in the air like that.

I do not appreciate
That implication.

Oh. Did I
Imply something?

I think you should have
A little more respect

For the woman I love.

Uhhh, love?

Especially
The big airplanes.

I-I-I'm going to have
To have you committed.

I don't think
I heard what you said.

It was a joke.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Where's
Your sense of humor?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

[ clears throat ]

Well, by golly,

I-I think that turkey
Should be just about ready.

[ chuckles ]

Ding.
Ah, there it is.

Did he say "Ding"?

No. The turkey's
A ventriloquist.

Whitey: benson.

Ah, father.
Son.

Benson, I want you
To do me a favor.

You mentioned to darlene
Last night

That you enjoyed singing.

Well, yes, I've been known
To croon a tune or two.

Well, how about singing
At my wedding?

W-w-w-w-w-w-wedding?

When? When?

Saturday.
You can't be serious.

I've never been more serious
In my life.

Why? Did you
Get her in trouble?

Don't you ever say
Anything nice about anyone?

All right.
What do you say?

Darlene
Would be very happy.

If you don't mind
The rattle of rusty pipes,

I'd be happy to.

Wonderful.
See you saturday.

Okay.

Saturday?
What is the hurry?

What do you mean --
"What's the hurry?"

Are you blind?

[ groans ]

Saturday.

Relax, clayton.

I'm sure darlene and your
Father will be very happy.

Who cares?

If he marries her,
I'm finished, through, kaput.

What are you
Talking about now?

Benson, I can outlive
My father, but not darlene.

She'll get everything,
And statistically,

Rich people live longer
Than poor people.

Yeah, but the good news is
That when you're poor,

It seems longer.

What is this?

I'm sorry, clayton,

But that's all the food
That's ready.

Well, aren't you
Going to peel it?

Don't push me, endicott,

Or you'll wind up with that
Banana sticking out of your ear.

You never ate in the
Mansion before. Why now?

I'm conditioning myself
To accept government handouts

In preparation
For my new future.

The late mr. Cassidy
Loved bananas.

He used to say, "A banana a day
Keeps the doctor away."

I believe that's apples.

A banana a day
Keeps the apples away?

You are losing it, pal.

Hey, mrs. Cassidy.

Oh, hi, chief.

Hey, bonzo.

Did you receive
The wedding invitation?

Yes, I did,

But considering how you feel
About this whole affair,

I'm surprised it's being held
At your penthouse.

The penthouse
Belongs to my father.

I had no choice.

Well, you have
My sympathies.

I don't need
Your sympathies.

I need
My father's money.

Money doesn't make
The world go 'round.

Benson, don't be naive.

If my father cuts me off,

I'll have to live out my life
As one of the masses --

A common man...
Like yourself.

Is that any way
For a human being to live?

Care for some lunch?

No, thank you.

This common man just
Finished stuffing himself

At la parisienne.

Benson, how can you afford
Such extravagances?

I mean, you don't
Make much more than I do,

And I don't make diddly.

It's a matter
Of give and take.

If you want to take
An expensive lunch,

You give up something.

Like what?

Like manicures?

Come on.

Get serious, clayton.

I don't get manicures.
I trim my own nails.

How?

With a nail clipper,
Fool.

Go on.

Clayton, if you expect
To get by on your salary alone,

You're going to have to learn
How not to be a snob.

I am not a snob.

You are a snob.

For example, how much did
You pay for that suit?

Well, $, maybe $.

$?
I buy suits for $.

Yeah, but look at them.

Oh, who am I kidding,
Benson?

I'll never make it
Without my father's money.

Why don't you sit down and
Have a talk with your father?

You don't know that he's
Going to cut you off

And give it all to her.

Put yourself in his position.
What would you do?

Well, don't go by me.
I don't like you.

Well, he doesn't like me,
Either.

Then there's only one thing
You can do.
What?

Learn to live
Middle-class.

[ chuckles ]
Learn to live like you?

Never.

Clayton?
What?

You better take something
For din-din.

[ doorbell rings ]

Welcome, welcome,
Welcome.

Hello, clayton.

[ thud ]

Oh.
Welcome, welcome.

He's been at the schnapps
Already.

So, where is
The blushing bride?

She's blushing in the bedroom
Down the hall --

Second door
On the left.

I'll go see
If she needs anything.

You do that.

Oh, benson, benson, benson.
What a glorious day.

Sounds like you got things
Worked out with your father.

Well, just about.

This is
A prenuptial agreement

Which states that when
Father dies darlene gets zip,

And she signed it.

Really?

You see? I told you
She'd be reasonable.

She wasn't reasonable.
I tricked her.

Now all I have to do
Is trick father.

And as long as I have this paper
In my hot, little hands,

I'm back in the money.

Benson, I'd like you to meet
Darlene's aunt carney.

How do you do?

She's going to accompany you
On the piano.

Nothing is sweeter than
The harmony of music and voice

Melded together in song.

Well,
That's a lovely thought.

Just don't step on my intro,
And we'll wail, benny.

Oh, father,
I need your signature.

What's this?
It's just
The wedding license.

Oh. Well.

You can't have a wedding
Without a license.

No, you can't, sir.

Here we go.

Clayton, have you ever given
Any thought to marriage?

[ exhales sharply ]

Oh, sir, I-I just --

I don't think that it
Would be fair to a woman

Until I'm assured
Of financial stability.

Well, even then, I don't
Think it would be fair.

Well, I think
I better get ready.

Benson, benson, benson.

Get a grip on yourself.

[ piano keys fluttering ]

Yoo-hoo.

Benson, shall we give it
A run-through?

I got to go.
Don't do anything stupid.

Let me rephrase that.
Don't do anything, stupid.

Oh, clayton, do you have
A cloth und some soap?

Huh? What?

A cloth und some soap.

I have to take a lipstick stain
Out of darlene's dress.

Darlene's dress.

Is that darlene's dress?

No, it's the world's
Largest doily.

Uh, uh, miss kraus,

The caterers are in desperate
Need of your assistance.

Would you be so kind?

I'll take care
Of darlene's dress.

Okay.

[ doorbell rings ]

Welcome, welcome, wel--

[ groans ]

Clayton, we found this
Outside in the hall.

It looks like
Somebody's dress.

Yes, it's, um, it's the, uh,
The next-door neighbor's.

They're, uh, nudists.

Yes, they get
A little carried away.

So, where's
The blushing bride?

I don't care.

Oh, I do -- I do care.

Sir,
Why don't you just, um,

Put your coat in the bedroom
Down the hall --

Second door on the left?

And, sir,
While you're at it,

Why don't you just
Take this with you?

Uh, katherine,
Can I get you anything?

You got a tv guide?

[ doors opens ]

Is that my dress?
Oh, hi, governor.

Oh, hi, darlene.
How wonderful to see you.

I mean --

Why don't I just put that on?
It'll just take a minute.

No, no, no.
Really, governor.

It'll just
Take a minute.

Agh! Agh!

For goodness sakes!

Oh, darlene, clayton --

[ stammers ]

What the hell's
Going on here?

Wait a minute.

You don't think that I --

That darlene and I --
That we were --

Oh, what a tangled web
We weave.

All I did was come in here
To throw my coat on the bed.

Oh ho ho.
Your coat, huh?

Do you have a point
To make, whitey?

Darlene,
Let me handle this.

Whitey, I would never try to
Move in on another guy's girl.

Now, when I say "Girl,"
What I mean --

All right, you.
Put up your dukes.

Whitey, come on!

Come on!
I'm gonna punch you out.

Come on. And then
I'll deal with you.

All right!

If you want to fight,

You better give it
Your best sh*t, shorty,

'cause I'm gonna
Clean your clock.

What -- what --
What is going on in here?!

Stand back, benson.

Governor, what do you think
You're doing?

I am defending my honor.
That's what I'm doing.

And you?

I came in here,

And he was with her
Like that.

He was returning my dress to me
So that I could marry you.

[ sniffles ]

Well, this sounds like
A big misunderstanding to me,

Right, clayton?

Uh, yeah, that's what
It sounds like to me.

Oh, well...

I'm sorry, darlene.

I'm a fool.

Aw.

I'm the one who's a fool...

'cause I love a fool.

[ chuckles ]

Oh, no, no, no tears.
No tears.

A-ha-a-ha-ahh.

What?

Ding.

Clayton.

What's going on?

It looks to me like
The prenuptial agreement

Is about to hit the fan.

Would you care
To explain this?

Ah.

Uh...

No.

Well, then I will.

This is
A prenuptial agreement

Stating that darlene gets
Absolutely nothing if I die,

And it's signed
Both by darlene and me.

Well,
This is a family matter.

No, no.
I want you to hear this.

My son is a spoiled,
Selfish brat,

And he created
This little confrontation

In an effort to stop me
From marrying darlene.

Now, father, I can --

Sit down!

Governor,
I am really sorry.

I hope you can find it
In your heart to forgive me.

Oh, I do, whitey,

And I think you're getting
A wonderful girl --

A wonderful woman.

Thank you.
Thank you.

As for you,

I'll deal with what's left
Of your behind tomorrow.

I'll be ready
In a moment.

I'm sure you two
Would rather be alone.

Benson, benson, benson.

Where did I go wrong
With this kid?

Well, to tell you the truth,
Whitey, I'd rather not comment.

What do you think I should do?
What would you do?

Well, I'd leave innocent
Bystanders out of it.

I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do, benson.

I think I should warm up
My voice before I sing.

I'm gonna cut him off
Financially.

Is that right?

♪ mi mi mi mi mi ♪

No more allowances.
No more trust fund.

No more inheritance.
How about that?

♪ la la la la la la la la ♪

Well, I may reconsider,

But he has to know there's
More in life than money.

Now, that ought
To do it, right?

♪ come, mister tally man,
Tally me banana ♪

♪ daylight come,
And me wan' go home ♪

♪ day, me say day,
Me say day, me say day ♪

I love you.

I'm doing it
For your own good.

[ piano plays ]

♪ drink to me only
With thine eyes ♪

♪ and I will
Pledge with mine ♪

♪ or leave a kiss
Within the cup ♪

♪ and I'll not ask
For wine ♪

♪ the thirst that
From the soul doth rise ♪

♪ doth ask
A drink divi-I-I-ne ♪

♪ but might I
Of jove's nectar sip ♪

♪ I would not
Change for thi-I-I-I-ne ♪