You know what's wrong
with the kids today?
They don't bother
to learn the three R's.
I mean, your basic three R's.
I mean, they can't even solve
the simplest problem.
I know when I was a kid,
we really worked on that stuff.
You gave us any combination
of numbers, words,
boy, we could solve it like nothing.
Kids today, they expect somebody
to give them the answer.
- You were real good in math in school?
- Oh, boy, I was a whiz.
I got a little problem for you.
Hey, well, lay it on me.
Old Numbers Gordon
will solve it like that.
All right,
these three sailors go into a hotel.
They say they want
to rent a room, shared,
but the manager said,
"That will be $ ."
So each sailor
gives the manager $ .
A while later,
the manager feels guilty.
He thinks he overcharged them
for the room.
So he calls the bellhop over
and gives him $ .
He says, "Give them back the $ ."
On the way back up to the room,
the bellhop thinks:
"Well, they didn't tip me
for carrying the bags."
So he keeps $ .
Goes to the room, gives each one
of the sailors back a dollar.
So instead of paying $ each,
they only paid $ each.
- Right.
- Three times nine is .
The bellhop kept $ .
That's $ .
Where's the other dollar?
Well, give me the answer.
That's the trouble
with old bearded guys today.
They expect everybody
to give them the answer.
Oh, that's cute, Jonathan. Cute
No luggage?
Staying long?
A week or two.
No luggage,
staying a week or two.
Yeah, that's right.
You'll be needing a Laundromat.
It's right around the corner.
Thanks very much. There you go.
Since you don't have any luggage,
you'll have to pay in advance.
Cash for a week.
You don't have any pets, do you?
You see any pets?
Well, you never know.
Have a nice stay.
Thank you.
After we get settled in,
why don't we take a walk?
Sounds good to me.
I got the feeling
this is gonna be a good assignment.
They're all good assignments.
Yeah, from your point of view, okay.
But let's face it.
Some of them have taken place
in some pretty tough neighbourhoods.
Places where you'd be afraid
to walk alone in the daylight,
let alone at night.
We go where we have to go.
Yeah, well, I prefer this.
A place where we can walk along
unmolested, you know,
enjoy the evening air.
- Yeah.
- All right, hold it right there.
Come on, give me your wallets.
- Come on, I don't have all night.
- Jonathan, do something.
Yeah, Jonathan, do something,
like give me your wallet.
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
You what?
I said, I can't do that.
What are you, nuts?
Give me your wallet
or I blow his head off.
Wait a minute,
I don't like to be threatened.
- You don't like to be threatened?
- All right, tough guy.
He gets it.
What the...?
Oh, baby.
Mark, wait.
What do you mean?
He's getting away.
You wanna get yourself k*lled?
Come on, with a water g*n?
Come on.
It's not a water g*n, it's a real g*n.
I used the stuff.
If I'm not with you, I can't help you.
Oh, that's great. That's just great.
We've been together,
what, five years?
Five years.
We're supposed to be partners, right?
- Right.
- Wrong.
Partners are supposed to be equal.
There's nothing equal
in this partnership.
And you know why?
Because you got the stuff
and I don't.
Mark, come on now, will you?
Don't be like that.
There's nothing I can do about it.
I can't give you the stuff.
Yeah, well, the boss could
if he wanted to.
The only reason I've got the stuff
is I'm dead. I'm an angel.
Wait, don't give me
that old argument.
I mean, Moses looked pretty healthy
when he parted the Red Sea.
You telling me the boss
didn't give him the stuff?
He gave him the stuff,
but that was Moses.
So, what's the difference?
I work for him.
My name begins with an M.
I have a beard.
- I don't think he's being fair.
- I wish you wouldn't talk like that.
Hey, I'm just telling it like it is.
And you know I'm right.
The truth hurts, huh?
All right, all right, all right.
I get the story. I get the picture.
So I just spend the rest of my life
doing what I'm told.
Jonathan here
will take care of me.
He'll see that I've got shelter.
He'll see I've got food
and that nobody hurts me.
I'm like a dog.
Jonathan is the master
and I am man's best friend.
Yeah, that's cute, Jonathan.
Cute, cute, cute.
Jonathan?
Where'd you go?
Hi, dog.
Jonathan, come on, talk to me.
Hey, dog, will you lighten up?
I'm a little busy right now, you know.
I'm trying to find my friend,
so if you don't mind...
Jonathan.
What's going on here?
What, is your name Jonathan?
Cute, cute, cute.
No, can't be.
A dog?
Come on.
You're not--
Are you?
Did you do this?
Jonathan, if this is your idea of a joke,
I don't find it very funny.
Help me, please!
Help me save my baby!
Help me, please!
Help me save my baby!
Hey, if you really are Jonathan,
for heaven's sake, do something.
Not bark.
Oh, boy, I wish I had the stuff.
What, what, what?
Are you telling me I got the stuff?
You sure?
I got the stuff, I got the stuff.
All right, all right.
Stay calm, stay back, stay back.
Stay back. Here we go.
Oh, my God. You're safe.
Oh, bless you.
Bless you.
Thank you, ma'am.
I already have been.
Jonathan, I gotta tell you,
I take back everything I said
about the boss not being fair.
I don't know how long
this is gonna last,
but I'm going to enjoy
every minute of it.
I got the stuff.
He's back in the back.
I'm gonna go in first.
When I give you the signal,
you sneak across to the stairs, okay?
And for heaven's sakes, don't bark.
Okay, stay.
Don't...
- What was that?
- What was what?
I heard a bark. I heard a dog bark.
Pretty good, huh?
I do bird whistles too.
I was on The Gong Show one time.
I almost won.
A lady showed up
with a talking chicken.
I'm really sorry I woke you.
Cute, Jonathan. Cute.
No, don't...
Jonathan, please.
The way I figure it,
our biggest problem is communication.
Now, you seem to, you know,
more or less understand
what I'm talking about.
But I am not sure that
I'm getting anything from this...stuff.
You know? What--?
What did I say?
What, do you wanna go out?
Now?
No, no.
Is it an assignment?
No, it's not an assignment.
You wanna go for a walk.
That's it, you wanna go for a walk.
We can't go for a walk.
The guy downstairs sees you,
we're out of here.
What we're gonna have to do
is we're just gonna have to relax.
Relax and find out
what the next assignment is.
Oh, Jonathan, Jonathan.
I don't believe it, Jonathan.
You never went to the bathroom
before.
Well, maybe angel dogs
are different.
How long we gonna have to wait
for our next assignment?
Oh, great.
Well, let me ask you this.
How in the heck
are you gonna be able to tell me
when we are working, huh? Brother.
I mean, you know, a bark is a bark
is a bark is a bark, you know.
Hey, what do you think
you're doing back there?
Come back here.
If I catch you, you no-good thief,
I'll break your neck.
Hey, do me a favour, will you?
Just stay out of the way here.
I think I'm gonna use a little of the stuff
and get me another bad guy.
All right, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Get away from me.
You're not the police.
Hey, it's either me or the guy
who wants to break your neck.
All right, what were you doing?
Nothing.
He was yelling about nothing, huh?
He doesn't like people
in his trash can.
He acts like it's gold or something.
What were you doing in his trash?
I was hungry.
You were--?
What, what, what?
This is it?
This is our assignment?
Do you always talk to your dog?
Well...
Never mind that.
Still hungry?
Why do you wanna know?
Well, because I am,
and I thought if you were,
maybe we could get something better
than what was in the trash can.
I think I kind of lost my appetite.
Well, suit yourself. I'm gonna eat.
Well, I think
maybe I can force myself.
Well, that sounds fine.
All right. Let's go.
What's your dog's name?
Jonathan Smith.
Jonathan Smith?
Never heard of a dog
with a last name.
Yeah, well, he's a very unusual dog.
Wish we didn't have
to leave Jonathan outside.
Are you sure he won't run away?
No. We're a team.
So where do you live?
I'm not from around here.
You mean, around this neighbourhood
or around this city?
If I tell you the truth, will you promise
not to go to the police?
I don't know about that.
What if I find out
you're some kind of criminal?
No, it's not that.
I'm an alien.
Across the border, huh?
No. From outer space.
I'm an extraterrestrial being.
That's funny.
I mean, you look just like a little boy.
Pretty good disguise, huh?
Down on Zyglan,
that's where I'm from,
we don't really look like this.
What, you don't believe me?
I didn't say that.
I just like to keep an open mind
about these things.
- What's your name?
- Mondray.
I should have known.
Mondray what?
Just Mondray.
Well, I'll tell you what, Mondray,
why don't you finish up
while I go pay this tab?
Hey, is that your mutt?
He's not a mutt.
Whatever he is, is he yours?
What's the problem?
We got a law here that says
you take your dog out for a walk,
you keep it on a leash.
Well, look, I sort of found him,
you know.
I figured I'd keep him
for a couple of days,
see if I can find his owner.
Well, far be it from me
to keep a good Samaritan such
as yourself from doing a good deed.
But you're gonna have
to get a leash for him, okay?
Yeah, thanks.
Well, that's it, pal.
First thing tomorrow morning,
we get you a leash.
Hey, I'm sorry, angel or no angel,
you could end up in the pound.
Now, what--?
Where's the kid?
Jonathan,
why'd you let the kid run off?
- How in the heck are we gonna--?
- I'm right here.
Why were you hiding?
Are you kidding?
Do you realise what I'm worth
to the foreign governments?
I'm an alien, remember?
Oh, yeah, right. I wasn't thinking.
Hey, it's getting late.
Do aliens need sleep?
You bet.
Good. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
All right, let's see.
When was the last time
you slept in a bed?
Oh, you mean an Earthling bed?
I should have known.
All right, you sleep in that Earthling bed
and I'll grab this couch here.
Oh, Jonathan, come on.
Jonathan, I'll get you a bowl.
I think maybe he's hungry.
Who, Jonathan? No, he doesn't eat.
Of course he's hungry,
aren't you, boy?
All right.
I'll go out and get something.
- You keep an eye on him.
- Okay.
I'm talking to the dog.
Cookies, yeah.
Now, which one of these
Jonathan will like?
Hey, this is the ticket.
It kind of looks like Jonathan.
Let me have all the money
in the register now.
You, on the floor, face down.
Not again.
What's the world coming to?
- Come on, hurry it up.
- All right, all right.
Just don't sh**t.
What am I doing?
Hey, punk.
You talking to me, old man?
Do you see any other punks
around here?
Don't do that, mister, please.
I want you to hand me that g*n.
I'll give you the g*n.
Struck you out.
Lucky for you
he had three empty chambers.
One more pull,
and you'd be dead meat.
Well, I had a feeling
it wouldn't go off.
- How'd you figure?
- Well, I got the--
I used to be a cop up in Oakland.
You used to be a cop?
Then you ought to know better.
The stuff, I love it.
Love it.
- Hi, Justin.
- Oh, no.
Justin?
My name isn't Justin. It's Tommy.
I thought it was Mondray.
When Mr. Gordon called,
I had a suspicion it was you.
You called her?
Boy, is that cruddy.
Hey, I told you I'd find your parents.
You wouldn't tell me who you were,
so I had to call in the troops.
I take it you two know each other.
Old friends.
He's an habitual runaway.
I've taken him back
at least seven or eight times.
What do his parents say
about all that?
His mother has custody.
Father's out of the picture.
Why do you run away all the time?
I ain't saying nothing
without my lawyer.
So, what happens now?
I take him to the station
and call his mother.
Why don't I save you a trip?
Let me take him home.
Maybe I can talk to her.
What do you think?
It's worth a try.
You can't do any worse than I have.
Quite a place.
If you like living in a zoo.
Don't ever do that. I got the stuff.
I could've:
You'd have been all over the place.
Hi, Yoji.
I thought the cop said
your name was Justin.
It's Tommy.
Justin, darling.
Where have you been?
I've been looking all over for you.
It's Tommy.
I had no one
but Dmitri here to play with.
I make the music.
I'll bet you do.
What music is that?
All the music
of the universe.
Big place.
Don't tell me, you've come to talk
about the showing in Denver.
It was fantastic.
Wasn't it, darling?
I wasn't there, Mom.
You weren't? What a shame.
It was absolutely chilling.
You would have loved it.
I was striving to reconstruct
the resounding cacophony
that pervades the silent transformation
that grows between two people
who have this intense
love-hate nonrelationship.
Mom.
In a minute, darling.
This piece began on a darkened stage
with these two incredibly fat actors
eating these delicately thin
ice cream cones.
Meanwhile, Astarte here--
Mom, Mark isn't--
Oh, Justin, please.
Astarte came in
and began spray-painting
these deliciously vulgar words
on the backdrop.
I make the music.
And it was brilliant.
It made Stravinsky
sound like ragtime.
- Tommy.
- That's all right, darling.
He does that sometimes.
Now, where were we?
- Mrs. Baldwin--
- Call me Vanessa.
- Vanessa--
- I go make the music.
Now, look, Mrs-Vanessa,
I am not here about Denver.
I found Tommy, or Justin or whoever,
last night--
Found him?
You mean, he was lost?
No, he had run away.
He often does that.
He wants to attract my attention.
Doesn't seem to be working too well.
Don't be Victorian, darling.
You're much too cuddly for that.
I do nothing
because I want Justin to grow up
unfettered and free of adult strictures.
I want him to see all there is to see,
so that he can decide
what to do with his life, not me.
There is a wonderland
outside those doors,
filled with magic and music.
I want him to hear
all there is to hear.
The beast has desecrated
a priceless boot. Get him out of here.
Probably just trying
to get your attention.
Out! Both of you, out!
We're going.
Now do you know why I ran away?
Listen, I gotta go out for a while.
Where you going?
I got some work to do.
I want you to take Jonathan
for a walk in the park.
I'll meet you there in about two hours,
all right?
Just me and Jonathan?
Yeah, think you can handle it?
Are you kidding? Sure I can.
See you in a couple hours.
Finish up your breakfast, boy.
Then we can go play, okay?
Okay.
It's not worth it, believe me.
Come on, let me get this straight.
The kid runs away,
you find him, you take him back home,
he runs away again.
That's putting it
in very simple terms.
Let me get a little more complicated.
What have you done
to stop this vicious circle,
help the kid somehow?
I mean, you've seen his mother.
I think she's a cross between
Isadora Duncan and Auntie Mame.
And that can't be a healthy
environment for a kid that age.
How Mrs. Baldwin chooses
to raise her son is her business.
It's not our job to get involved
in that aspect of the case.
She hasn't abused the child.
What about the father?
The mother has custody.
You know where he is?
Did you ever think that maybe
this is none of your business?
No. Now, come on, give.
Look, you're not even a relative.
And how do I know--?
Come on, I used to be a cop.
I know the drill.
Check bank records, credit cards,
former employers and on.
You know,
that's an awful lot of work.
You know,
you could save me some time.
His name is Justin,
but he calls himself Tommy,
after his dad.
"Thomas Baldwin, Rowena."
Thank you.
It won't do any good, you know.
It won't do any harm either.
- Yes?
- You're Thomas Baldwin?
Yes.
Do you have a son named Tommy
or Justin?
I have a son named Justin.
I don't know anything
about the others.
What's this all about?
Can I come in?
What's wrong with Justin?
He runs away a lot.
Vanessa says
it's his cry for attention.
Who's Vanessa?
His mother, Vanessa Baldwin.
You mean Katie.
Katie?
She never liked her real name.
It wasn't artsy enough.
- May I come in?
- Come on in.
I'm having lunch,
you mind if I finish?
No, go ahead.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
What's your interest in Justin?
Social Services? What?
I found him.
- So?
- So I see the zoo he lives in.
- So?
- I thought you'd be interested.
I am.
Enough to let him come here
and live with you?
No.
Why not? I mean, he's your son.
Don't you care?
Who the hell do you think you are
coming in here
and giving me that righteous crap?
Care? Why do you think I left
in the first place?
You tell me.
Give me one good reason.
Justin.
Dirty pool.
Hey, well, sue me.
Okay.
After the divorce, I got to see my son
on alternate weekends.
The trouble was, when I'd show up,
she would have taken him away
for the weekend.
Sometimes she'd call
and tell me he was sick
on Friday night.
By Monday, he was well again.
There was a three-month spell
where I didn't see him at all.
And when I finally did,
he asked me why I didn't wanna
come see him anymore.
I felt this high.
Yeah, I can believe it.
There was no way I could fight her.
She was tearing my heart out
and there wasn't a thing
I could do about it.
So you took off.
Right.
Chickened out.
Right.
Turned your back on your son.
Yes.
I mean,
don't you ever wanna see him?
I'm afraid to now.
It's been so long.
He probably hates me.
You're probably right.
But that doesn't mean
he doesn't love you.
Come on, man. Have some guts.
That boy is your son.
Hello, Justin.
Tommy.
I don't wanna see him.
- Why?
- Because I hate him.
You hate him.
Why do you call yourself Tommy?
Look, I know you're hurt
and you're angry,
you got every right to be.
He ran out on me.
My mom may act kind of funny,
but she never ran out on me.
Well, you run away all the time.
Why do you do it?
Why?
- Why?
- I have my reasons.
Maybe he did too. I don't know.
But you aren't ever gonna know
unless you talk to him.
Hey, come on,
I'm not asking you to love him.
I'm not even asking you to like him.
But I really do think
you ought to talk to him.
What do you say, pal?
You wanted to tell me something?
You've grown a lot
since I saw you last.
I've had a lot of time to grow
since you saw me last.
Why didn't you wanna see me?
My excuses are stupid.
I was wrong.
Your mother and I both did things
that were wrong because of anger.
All we did was hurt you.
Look, I don't blame you
for how you feel about me.
But if I talked to your mom,
and she said it was all right
if you spent some time with me,
do you think you'd give me a chance
to make up for what I've done?
I missed you so bad.
I missed you too.
Vanessa?
What?!
I'm creating.
It's my hairy poet.
Did you find my vagabond?
Hello, Katie.
Hello, Thomas.
Look, I wanted to talk to you
about Justin.
I'd like to have him
spend some time with me.
- I know we've had our problems-
- Justin?
Yes, Mom?
I want you to go and live with Thomas
for a while.
How about the custody agreement?
It will be a great adventure
for Justin.
After all, he's already experienced
the delight of a warm, caring,
nurturing mother.
Now it's time he has a father.
Hunting, fishing, baseball.
All those fatherly things.
I don't know what to say, Katie.
Something elegant like
"Thank you, Vanessa" will do nicely.
And now, Justin, my dearest love,
come here.
Learn from your father.
Learn all the things necessary
to be a bold, adventurous man.
And then hurry back to the mother
who loves you with a whole heart.
I will.
And remember,
there is a wonderland out there,
filled with magic and music.
Don't let those awful people out there
make you tone deaf.
I promise.
Dmitri.
Dmitri.
I've never done a piece
on parenting.
We'll start in black,
with the sound of water,
the womb.
I make the music.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
- Yeah.
- One thing.
No more running away.
You too?
You're a pretty sassy kid.
You must take after your mom.
Is it a deal?
Absolutely.
Mark?
Yeah?
Can I keep Jonathan?
I heard you tell the policeman
you found him.
Well, I wish you could, you see,
but it's not that easy.
See, we're very close, you know.
He wouldn't want me to leave him.
I understand.
So long, Jonathan.
I love you and I'll never forget you.
Thanks a lot, Mark.
Okay, kiddo.
Come on, Jonathan.
Jonathan, what are you doing?
Come on.
You and I are gonna have
to have a talk.
Come here.
What the heck's going on?
This will never work.
If the kid wants a dog,
we'll get him a dog.
What?
Listen, I know that things happen
for a reason, Jonathan,
but, I mean, this is way, way out
in left field, you know.
You sure about this?
Oh, Jonathan.
I don't wanna say goodbye like this.
I mean, I knew you'd have to go
sometime, you know,
but I always thought
we could say it face to face, you know,
kind of like man to angel.
Not like this.
You too, buddy.
So long.
Take care of him.
I will, I promise.
I was talking to the dog.
Don't jump. Don't jump.
My first assignment alone.
This one's for you, Jonathan.
Hurry, please. He's going to jump.
Tell the police to relax. I'll save him.
Don't jump. Don't jump.
- Get down.
- Get down.
Don't jump, buddy.
Listen, I know you think
the world stinks,
but there's always tomorrow.
Things will get better.
Sure, I know.
Don't worry, be happy.
Oh, well, I wouldn't put it that way.
Don't come near me.
Listen, I can't let you do this.
I'm warning you,
you come near me, we both die.
No, wrong. I can't die.
What, are you crazy?
You're about to jump off the building,
you're calling me crazy?
- Come on, give me your hand.
- You'll go with me.
Mark.
Jonathan, be with you in a minute.
Jonathan, what are you doing here?
Would you get in here
before you get yourself k*lled?
I can't get k*lled. I got the stuff.
Why aren't you with Justin?
Justin? Who's Justin?
What do you mean, who's Justin?
The little boy who loved you
when you were a dog.
I was never a dog.
The boss didn't turn you into a dog?
No, I've been
on another assignment.
And I don't have the stuff?
No, of course not.
- Never--? Never had the stuff?
- Never.
Never?
- Never.
- Mark!
A dream.
Oh, it was just a dream.
Oh, brother, that was weird.
That was weird.
Jonathan, I just had the worst dream
of my life.
I dreamt that you were...