02x05 - Angel Tits and Dirty Bananas

[bunniefuu]

♪

[FRENZIED TYPING]

[JUSTIN GROANS]

[BILLIE] Can you keep
the wallowing down?

Can you keep the homeschooling down?

Justin, if I don't find
some environmental super-job,

my parents will find out my
entire summer has been a lie,

- and my life is over.
- Billie, my life IS over.

I got dumped, I got exiled
from my family cottage,

and now my sweet daughter,

who should be going on a chip run

for her unjustly accused bio-pop,

is obsessing over her CV,
on her summer vacation.

Well, I just got my boating license

and hunting safety certification.

This could change the game for me.

All right, I didn't want to do this,

but you've left me no choice.

- Who are you texting?
- Maisy invited us to dinner,

and we're going. I need snacks,

and you need to chill the f*ck out.

But I still have my wayfinding exam!

Well, I hate to pull
the "dead dad" card here,

but it is the anniversary
of my dad's death,

and Maisy wants to celebrate
his life by spreading his ashes.

Where? The outhouse? You hated him.

Yeah, but I didn't hate
his favourite foods.

Pigs in a blanket, Nana's
bean dip, Dirty Bananas.

- Huh?
- It's a delicious rum cocktail

that's gonna take Mama's mind off work.

Okay, well, Mama is
underaged and needs a job!

Oh, Maisy can help with that.

She probably knows some,
like, obnoxious greenfluencer

- who can hook you up.
- [PHONE DINGS]

- [PHONE DINGS]
- [SIGHS]

[PHONE DINGS]

Fine. I'll go.

- [JUSTIN] Yeah?
- If Maisy can get me a job.

Just wait till you get a
Dirty Banana in your mouth.

- Ugh.
- [JUSTIN] Heard it!

- Too late to stop it.
- [SIGHS]

Hello!

Why'd you bring those fruit turds?

'Cause you never come
to a dinner empty-handed.

Plus, every time I go to Gas 'n Go,

they spit in my slushie. Marcus smokes,

- and I can taste it.
- Ew.

Thank you so much for coming.

Dad would've been so happy.

Except for the part where he's dead.

[COIN: "TAKE A PICTURE"]

- Oh, baby.
- [JUSTIN] Oh.

I know how hard today is for you.

Uh, um,

we brought dates.

I didn't think today
could get any sadder.

Mom, why don't you and
Billie sit down and relax,

and Justin and I can
finish up in the kitchen?

Perfect. We can arrange the shrine.

- [WHISPERING] Help me!
- [WHISPERING] I'm sorry.

Mmm, my God.

- Where's Opal and Victor?
- In the city.

Opal took Derrick's death really hard.

He wore black for six months.

Oh, hey.

Do you know any environmental CEO types

who'd be willing to hire a student?

'Cause Billie really needs a job.

What happened to tree planting?

Didn't pan out.

I was so caught up with Riley,

I completely missed
that she was flailing.

- I can make some calls.
- [JUSTIN] Yeah?

For a favour.

[CRUNCHING CHIPS]

We talking smuggling, fraud,
or straight-up extortion?

Get my mom to admit she
burnt down the Boathouse.

- Come on, Maisy.
- You were right,

there is an arsonist
among us. It's my mother.

The quads' footage proves it.

No, I already told you, I
am done playing with fire.

- [MAISY-MAY SIGHS]
- The only reason that I even

came over here tonight was
to try and get Billie a job.

She stayed on the lake for me...

And got fired on your watch.

So if you want me to help Billie,

help me prove my mom set the fire.

- [JUSTIN SIGHING]
- [MAISY-MAY] Think about it.

Mom only said that she was dying
after you announced the wedding.

Then, she made Jayne get the Boathouse

for the ceremony, then she sneaks in

wearing someone else's shirt

just before the fireworks go off!

All to get the payout
from the land sale.

Do you have any proof?

I will with a confession,

and your messy drama queen energy

is our best sh*t at getting one.

Mimsy does love a spectacle.

The conditions couldn't be more perfect.

It's the anniversary of Dad's death,

and in a low light, you share a passing,

anemic resemblance to Derrick.

With Billie here, my mom
might actually feel guilt

for the first time in her life.

Oh, God, I don't know.
I don't know, Maisy.

The last time that I
did this, Riley left.

Prove that it's arson,

and the board gets the insurance money

and the payout. Riley
comes home to a hero.

What's in it for you?

amm*nit*on to blackmail my mother with.

She hands over the cottage to me

and is out of my life forever.

I feel like I should just float the idea

of family therapy as an
option before blackmail.

Think of Billie.

I know DiCaprio's people,

and they work with baby sea turtles.

Fine. I'll do it.

- [MAISY-MAY GIGGLING]
- For Billie.

For all the leftovers.

Are you sure you want to eat mayonnaise?

- I don't know.
- [BLENDER WHIRRING]

[BOB MCBRIDE: "DAYTIME RIDER"]

♪ Daytime rider ♪

♪ Ridin' on a lonely trail ♪

♪ Waitin' for the day...

Derrick's been dead for eight years,

and I've had so many more
creative lovers since,

but I still do miss him.

I wish you could have met.

Yeah, what was he like?

A lot like Justin.
He was always running.

Doctors called it marathon training,

but who needs to put kilometres

between them and their wife?

How's your intern thingy going?

Uh...

I actually decided to stay
here and plant trees instead,

- but, um, I was let go.
- Oh, yeah.

I've been "let go" heaps of times.

But I always managed to turn it my way

or into a settlement.

If you're short, I
could loan you some cash

after I get my cut
of the Boathouse sale.

It's not the money. It's my parents.

- If they find out...
- Hopefully they're air signs.

- [PHONE DINGS]
- Oh.

[PHONE DINGING]

Job didn't come through?

Not quite yet.

Shall we find out when?

Hi. Dirty Banana to
celebrate Daddy Deadest.

Oh, I only drink Angel Tits now,

to give me a taste of what's to come.

What's the day, time, and
place of Billie's birth?

You were there.

Yeah, but you weren't keeping her.

I didn't wanna over-invest.

- Have you seen my iPad?
- [JUSTIN] Uh...

I wanna do Billie's birth chart.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Uh, why?

Because she's % you,

and I think if I show her
that she's starred unluckily,

might take the sting out.

[GROANS DRAMATICALLY]

- God, this day, right?
- Mm-hmm.

So brutal. Just comes in big ol' waves.

I miss your dad too, hon.

No, it's not that. It's just the...

- Oh, Billie getting fired?
- No, it's...

- Riley leaving for good?
- No, uh...

That you can't form
lasting relationships

'cause you're in love
with your own trauma?

- No! It...
- Well, then spit it out.

They've been looking
into the Boathouse fire,

and the authorities suspect arson,

and all the evidence,
Mimsy, it all points to me.

It's crazy. Like, I'm being set up.

Well, your eyes are shifty,

and your posture's very loose.

I didn't do it! I'm innocent.

And, like, I don't
know what I'm gonna do.

I can't go to jail, and
I can't lose any more time

with Billie, I just got
her back into my life.

You won't have to.

- I did it.
- You did?

- How was I? Convincing?
- Very.

[CHUCKLES] Perfect.
Call the authorities!

Wait... I should call the authorities

- because you did it?
- Happy to say I did.

Because you did.

That's what I'll tell the fuzz.

So you'll say you did do it,

but you didn't do it,
or you did do it, but...

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Arson is not worth the dermal distress.

But even if I didn't
burn down the Boathouse,

I am happy to be your fall gal.

I'll be dead before it gets to trial.

But I do want Opal to note
my bravery in his eulogy.

I want Lily James for my biopic.

She was tremendous as Pamela Anderson.

Yeah, maybe we'll just wait
for the fuzz to make their move.

You should think about confessing.

Prison would be great for you.

- You'd finally get in shape.
- [JUSTIN] What?

Meet someone.

Do you prefer the top or bottom bunk?

Don't know, depends on
what I ate that morning.

[PHONE DINGS]

[PHONE DINGING]

[BILLIE SIGHS]

Need help with anything?

Can you help bury my mother
and bring my son back?

Heh. I'm kidding.

[FORCED LAUGH]

So, uh, how is Killian doing?

He's interning with Hong
Kong's Naomi Campbell.

If all goes well, he may end up in Milan

- for Fashion Week.
- Wow.

Yeah, no, that's cool. Cool, cool.

Internships are just cool, right?

How many did you b*at to get yours

at the National Climate Institute?

Oh, you know, it was just, like...

- nationwide.
- Oh.

The runner-up really
owes you a gift basket.

I know it seems weird to
give up a k*ller internship

to plant trees, but
deforestation is real,

and I wanted to make a
difference this summer.

By getting fired?

Well, lucky for you,
I have been consulting

for a carbon-neutral swag bag startup,

and they could always use
some help. Is that my mom's?

- Yeah, she didn't do it.
- Didn't do what?

Billie, could you please
give this back to her?

Yeah.

Mom played you. Go. Try again.

No, Maisy, she didn't.
Listen for yourself.

That woman is practically an angel.

She was ready to be my fall guy.

So what's Billie gonna do
with Leo's sea turtles, anyway?

Is she gonna teach 'em to swim,
or teach 'em how to avoid soup?

Nope, no confession
means no Leo for Billie,

and no mayonnaise salad for you.

But my dad d*ed today!

Oh, please, you didn't even
come back for the funeral.

You didn't send a save the date!

Because it was a funeral, and I ended up

having to do everything
myself, like always.

I guess I'm gonna have to
get this confession myself.

Oh, lord, Maisy, the woman is dying.

She's literally dying.
There is no long con.

Mimsy doesn't have the
time or attention span.

Enough with the Nancy Drew.

Sweater sets have frumped you out.

From the guy who spent half the summer

Playing CSI: Muskoka
to get his boyfriend back.

I was trying to bring the Boathouse back

to make Riley want me back.

Learn from my selfless example,

and stop trying to steal a
cottage from a dying woman.

[SCOFFS] From the guy who tried
to steal it from me last summer.

Oh, my God, you are so impossible!

Screw Leo, I'm gonna
find Billie a job myself.

- Okay.
- I know people!

Take your diabetic raisins and go.

No! I'm not going anywhere.

Billie and I are gonna
mourn my dad the right way.

We are gonna eat this mayonnaise salad,

we are gonna drink
those dirty-ass bananas,

and we are gonna spread his ashes

in the outhouse where they belong,

and we are gonna have a great time

- while we do it!
- [THUNDER BOOMS]

[MIMSY] This is just stimulating.

[BILLIE] Explain it to me. Slowly.

Even though Billie's birth chart

puts her Sun in Capricorn,
she has to be very careful...

Because I'm a Taurus rising. Right?

Which is very easy
for the bullheadedness

to trigger the impulsiveness.

[BILLIE] Yes, but that I
get from being an Aries Moon.

- [BILLIE SNICKERING]
- Why is that so funny?

Billie is a Capricorn,
Aries, and Taurus.

Sea goat. Bull. Ram.
You guys, all horns!

[BOTH] She's horny!

Uh, have you been drinking
that this whole time?

Mama needed a little pick-me-up.

She's underage, Mom.

Ugh. A Canadian is a European six,

when they introduce drinking
to children responsibly.

Mmm, yeah, did you
poison that or something?

Poison a drink meant for my mother?

Wait, that does track.

She did spike my coffee
with cream last summer

even though she knew I had EBS.

The only poison in that drink is rum.

Nope, not buyin' it. You're
gonna have to drink that.

Ugh, fine.

- Happy?
- No!

My daughter is dangerously
inebriated and all hopped up

on a lethal concoction of
caffeine and rum, and we should

probably go detox at home.
Billie, come on, let's go.

[BILLIE] But it's storming out!

- [JUSTIN] We're stormin' out!
- [PHONE DINGS]

- [PHONE DINGING]
- [THUNDER BOOMS]

That said, electrocution
might solve my problems.

Wait! No. No one is leaving
until the storm is over.

Now, let's get the ceremony started.

Tonight's about Derrick,

not your vag*na monologues, Justin.

[MIMSY-MAY] It's been a
hard day for all of us.

Why don't we start by each
sharing a memory of Dad?

Okay. I'll start.

Oh, no, no, no. You don't
have to be strong for us.

Let me carry this burden for you.

[MAISY-MAY SIGHS]

Dad d*ed so suddenly,

he never got to clear his conscience.

But I know he would want that for
all of us before it's too late.

Mom, it's no secret you
had a wandering heart,

and Dad did too.

I apologize for the
many, many, many, many,

many, many summer flings
he had at the Boathouse.

I know that's why you burnt it down.

Oh, God! Maisy.

The woman is innocent.

Why is this so hard for you to believe?

I just want her to die
with a clear conscience.

I'm a two-timer, too!
I kissed two people.

I just can't help my horny energy, okay?

I once made out with
an entire cricket team.

- It's all right. Relax.
- Okay.

Why do you think I burnt
down the Boathouse, Maisykins?

The quads filmed you going back in

just before it caught fire.

Oh. There is no investigation
to the fire, is there?

She put me up to it!

She's the one that thinks you b*rned
down the Boathouse for a payout.

You were wearing Claire's
plaid, the same plaid as Riley,

because you thought it would protect you

from detection, just like you think

that dying from a mysterious illness

protects you from suspicion.

Fine! You caught me.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- I went back into the Boathouse...
- [PHONE BEEPS]

... to get the Vitamix I
gave Justin for his wedding.

That's my Vitamix in the kitchen?

A wedding present for a
wedding that didn't happen.

- Almost!
- Wait, wait! That's true.

I saw her outside the Boathouse with it.

And a duvet. SodaStream.

- Air fryer. Fondue set...
- Enough confessing now, sweets.

Did she put you up to this
with her star witch bullshit?

God, Maisy, stop! No! Your
mother is a lot of things.

She's a thief, and she's a
liar, but she's not magic!

And as much as we all
want it to be true,

nobody b*rned down the Boathouse.

It was an accident. It was
a really awful accident.

We all need to stop
running from the truth.

- [GASPING]
- [THUNDER BOOMS]

We all run.

Oh, my God, I think
I'm having an epiphany.

You ran from me when I came
out and I gave Billie up,

and now I run from everyone who loves me

so that they don't have
to run from me first!

Oh, my God, that's why I ran from Riley!

I'm so wise!

We need to go to the outhouse.
We gotta spread his ashes now.

The only thing that is
spreading here is bullshit.

Okay, maybe you didn't
burn down the Boathouse,

but you are not sick and dying,

and you have to stop hiding that!

Maisy, as someone who's done the work

to resolve deep parental trauma...

- Twenty seconds ago?
- Long enough to know

that you need to release your
mom like I released my dad.

Dad stays in the bottle
until I get the truth!

Well, the truth is that
you bottle everything up.

I do not bottle everything up!

When she was nine, she kept her
appendix from bursting for hours.

Because I was waiting for you to take me

- to the hospital.
- I left money for a cab!

Maisy, this is your thing.
You just keep everything inside

until one day, it just, pfft, explodes.

Exactly. That's why her appendix burst.

You're blaming me for that?

I'm just saying, you might
still have one if you just,

you know, swallowed your
pride and let things go.

Swallow my pride? Easy.

I have been swallowing
your sh*t for years.

You wanna see me let
go? Bottom's up, b*tches!

[SCREAMING] Dad!

[BLOWING]

[GASPS]

Not your dad.

Did you just eat Grandpa Derrick?

[MAISY-MAY SPITS]

It's Victor's protein powder.

You lied about his ashes?

And about poisoning your drinks.

It's spiked with Mom's kava kava.

- Kava kava?
- Kava kava?

Just a mild psychoactive that
I use for pain management.

Makes her super chatty.

I thought it would help
you get a confession.

Oh, you should've cut it with hash!

I can't believe you poisoned me again.

You? What about me?

You were supposed to get me a job,

and instead I've been drugged.

We all make whoopsies.

[SIGHS] Do you know I
once casually asked someone

if Maisy slept with
Derrick to get the cottage?

And that rumour went crazy.

- [THUNDER BOOMS]
- [SHOUTING] What?

[JUSTIN] Oh, that's
where that came from.

[MAISY-MAY] Well, it looks good.

The outage must be lake-wide.

[JUSTIN] All right,
well, we should probably

- fire up the generator.
- No, no.

As soon as they see light,
the neighbours will be over

asking to store their
weird freezer meat.

- Ew.
- Check those boxes for flashlights.

My mom keeps moving everything.

You haven't seen where
your mom moved a fondue set

or a duvet cover, did...

yeah, right, we can
talk about that later.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[PHONE DINGS]

[PHONE DINGS]

[BILLIE SIGHS]

Well, I like your style.

Ignoring them. Keeps them hungry.

I can't do it for much longer.

Sure you can.

I once kept Murakami and Johnny Ramone

on tenterhooks for a
month with the promise

of a clandestine trip to Majorca.

Yeah, well, they weren't
brother and sister.

I can see how that could get icky.

How am I supposed to pick
one without hurting the other?

Following your heart
can leave casualties.

Good or bad, that's the fun.

What's not fun is living with regret.

Is that why you confessed to
starting the rumour about Maisy?

I don't regret that. That taught her how

to rise above the dumb sh*t people say,

made her a k*ller.

Made her insane.

She literally planned this whole night

just to get you to confess to a crime

- you didn't even commit.
- Mmm.

You, um,

didn't do it, right?

[THUNDER BOOMS]

[CHUCKLES]

Wish I did.

Just to make her happy.

Oh, I married a boring doctor

and spent every summer on this puddle

instead of touring with The Kinks!

[SIGHS] All for her.

What else could she want?

An apology, maybe?

Derrick left the cottage
to his stepdaughter

instead of to his wife.
She should apologize to me.

He left the cottage to his family.

I think that means you too.

Bovine collagen?

You repping livestock?

It's for Victor's protein powder.

So where did you end up

sprinkling dear old
Dad's real embers, huh?

Along his favourite K on the lake.

Dad did like to manspread.

Ooh, my wedding present!

Oh, hey, um...

um,

are you okay, by the way?

Your mom's weird rumour thing.

Oh, I should be asking
you the same thing.

Me sleeping with Dad to get the cottage

was your favourite victim card.

Well, yeah, but I never believed it.

- I mean, not much.
- Yeah, don't worry about me.

I've spent my life cleaning
up after Mom's lies.

[JUSTIN] Well, you know, as
someone who's done the work...

- Twenty minutes ago?
- [JUSTIN] ... I know how hard

it can be to let go of our stories.

That's the rum and the kava talking.

We don't judge the great teachers.

Me looking for an arsonist

was just me looking anywhere but myself,

and I'm humble enough to admit...

- [MAISY-MAY] High enough.
- ... that if I really want

another sh*t at love,

I'm gonna have to work on myself.

I mean, I blew it with Riley,

but you've still got
a sh*t with your mom.

- [MAISY-MAY GASPS]
- [THUNDER BOOMS]

You're right! I did the work.

That's why I'm so much
better than everybody else!

Oh, I think you skipped a step.

I overcame my mother's rumour to become

the Boathouse's
longest-serving president.

She only has the power I give her.

It is time for me to take
back what is rightfully mine

and become the f*cking goddess I am.

And she said "Let there be light!"

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[ELISE LEGROW: "FEEL ALL RIGHT"]

I got this for Derrick.

He had the sweat glands
of a Bolivian burro!

He never used it. Maybe if he had,

he'd be here now.

- I pass it to you.
- Oh.

May it help you see more
clearly when you run.

- It's not your best.
- Ow, ow, ow!

- Just a little bit, it's...
- This was Derrick's.

Use it,

to listen to your heart.

And to Justin's.

Derrick had an arrhythmia.

If his running doesn't
get him, his ticker will.

[SMOOCHES]

Well, if only the wizard
had a heart for you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh! Oh, my, that's in the way.

- How about I move it?
- No, no, no, it's fine,

- I got it, I got it.
- I can call my clients

at Brown Bag Swag tomorrow
about Billie's job.

What about Leo's baby sea turtles?

Actually, I think I'll just
enjoy the rest of summer.

But thank you, appreciate it.

Opal hates writing
recommendation letters anyway,

so...

Well! [CHUCKLES] I guess we should...

Do you wanna grab that fondue set?

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you so much

for a great night,
and for celebrating Dad

the way that he would've wanted:

drunk and resentful.

Good night.

[MAISY-MAY] Good night.

I've gotta clean out the fridge.

Whoreen's gonna be here
with a meatloaf from .

I have a present for you too, darling.

Okay.

I'd like to apologize.

For that rumour I started.
I'm sorry it hurt you.

But if it spread that fast,

people were probably thinking it.

And I also forgive you for thinking

I burnt down the Boathouse.

I know you're bummed
because I'm not leaving

in the back of a squad car.

But now you don't have to
waste time on all those people

who thought you slept with my husband.

We can focus on what matters.

Me.

- And you.
- There is no "you and me."

There's only you and what you want.

Maybe your little sick
act convinced the lake

to get rid of the Boathouse,
but I will bring it back.

And I am sick of you
always taking what is mine.

If I learned one thing from you...

it's how to win.

And Maisy always f*cking wins.

♪

Hmm.

You're sure you're cool
with me bailing on the job?

You kidding me? Never been prouder.

Working with Maisy comes with a price.

Usually tax fraud.

What are we gonna tell
your parents, though?

Well, they still think I'm
working for Parks Canada,

so until one of my job applications

comes through, we stay quiet.

Or else I'll have another set
of parents running from me.

You know that you're not the reason

that my dad ran from me, right?

- We ran from each other.
- I know.

I mean, you were, what,
like, a year older than me?

Physically. Emotionally? Soft .

No more running from the people I love

just 'cause I'm scared
they'll run from me first.

Unless it's a zombie
apocalypse and they've been bit.

- You wouldn't try to amputate?
- Rookie mistake.

See? It's what I love about you.

You know when to run, you
know when to stand your ground.

Till it bites me in the ass.

We don't judge the great teachers.

[BILLIE SIGHS]

- I'm gonna go get the mail.
- Sure.

I would never run from you.

[PHONE CHIMING]

Okay, I haven't figured out what

this weird metal ring thing
is yet, but I did find all

- these colour-coded dippers.
- [PHONE DINGS]

We got little individual
containers for all the stuff

that we might wanna dip
in chocolate or cheese

or whatever it is you can
throw through a fondue machine.

I haven't had one of
these since college.

I forget how to use it, but
this ring looks really nice.

It's, like, heavy. Oh,
God, that pot's massive too!

Think about all the things we could...

[TEDDY GEIGER: "SHARKBAIT"]

♪ Ooh, I fantasize ♪

♪ Every night ♪

♪ Painting that ocean blue ♪

♪ I prophesize you and I ♪

♪ On a mission to the moon
and when we get there ♪

♪ It's gonna be so good ♪

♪ Out in our swimwear
under the summer sun ♪

♪ Until we burn up I know
the world is cooked ♪

♪ If we don't make it back ♪

♪ Then I guess we better
go out with a bang ♪

♪ I'm looking like shark bait ♪

♪ I'm not staying out of the waves ♪

♪ I'm looking like shark bait ♪

♪ I'm not staying out of the waves ♪

♪ We can finally float away ♪

♪ Everybody's telling me to stay ♪

♪ Out of the water out of the water ♪

♪ I'm looking like shark bait ♪