01x06 - Saved by the Knoll

[bunniefuu]

-♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-ABE LINCOLN: Previously,
on a very special Clone High.

The g*ng put on a musical

that featured a kiss
between Harriet and JFK.

Joan was totally cool with it,
but what Joan didn’t know

was that the kiss made Harriet
and JFK’s heart skip a b*at.

-The musical caused...
-(SIREN WAILING)

...the Grassy Knoll
to burn down,

so that kind of overshadowed
the kiss.

But for how long, my friends?

We’re friends, right?
Please don’t answer that.

(CHUCKLING) God,
I’ve been so needy lately.

(FIRE BLAZING)

-(CROWD SOBBING)
-(FIRE CRACKLING)

♪ (MUSIC TURNS SOMBER) ♪

(WIND WHOOSHING)

We are gathered here today

to mourn the end
of the Grassy Knoll.

Honestly, Joan,

it’s like a pretty nasty
s-style diner

that hearkens back to an era
that was really dark

and unpleasant for, like,
kind of a lot of people.

(CHUCKLES) I don’t understand
why every teen show has one.

Well, I love it
because it’s the only place

that hasn’t changed
since I was frozen.

Abe and I used to spend
so much time here.

-Didn’t we, Abe?
-Yeah, we were regulars.

Except when we ate the food,
then we were anything

but regular,
am I right? (CHUCKLES)

Good times with friends,

and the crappy burgers taste
exactly the same

as they did years ago.
Crappy.

-(GROANS) Oh, no. Not this.
-What is it, Joanie?

-Nothing. Somebody else talk.
-Hey, you. Look.

This isn’t a ceremony
to mourn a burnt-up building.

This is a funeral for my wife,
Curly.

-(CURLY SIZZLING)
-Wait, that’s not a party-sized

-blooming onion?
-(CROWD GASPS)

MOPPS: While the building
was collapsing from the fire,

-you guys caused...
-(SCREAMS)

...Curly fell into a vat

-of egg batter.
-(SCREAMS)

-MOPPS: She then slipped...
-(CURLY GROANS)

-...fell mouth first
into a cheese spout.
-(SCREAMS)

MOPPS: And her guts
was pumped full of the stuff.

-Then she tripped again...
-(CURLY SQUELCHES)

-...in seasoned flour
and then rolled into hot oil.
-(GROANS, SCREAMS)

MOPPS: And that’s when she got
deep-fried.

By the time I got her out,

I tried throwing parsley
on her to cool her down.

But it was too late.

(GULPS) Ugh.

But why are you wearing
such a jazzy suit to a funeral?

Curly made this.
She always dreamed

of owning an island-themed
clothing store.

So, I’m selling up here
and making her dream come true.

Gonna call the place,
"Tony Jamaica’s."

-Like, "Tommy Bahama?"
-What’s "Tommy Bahama?"

(YELLING) No!
You can’t sell the Grassy Knoll.

-Oh, God. Here we go. (SIGHS)
-Joan, what’s going on?

Nothing, I’ve never felt better.
I do not have an illness

I’ve been hiding
since childhood.

-(CAR APPROACHING)
-(HORN HONKING)

-♪ (POP SONG PLAYS) ♪
-(TIRES SCREECHING)

Mopps. Got your call.

I can’t wait
to turn your beloved dump

into a condo mall.
Here’s your signed contract,

-giving it all to me
and my trophy wife. (KISSES)
-♪ (POP SONG FADES) ♪

-Let me read that.
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Arbitrate, uh, force majeure,
blah-blah-blah.

Priapism, carpe diem. Aha!

There’s a Goonies clause
in the contract that states,

if we, a group
of enthusiastic teens,

can raise enough money
and rebuild the Grassy Knoll

before Monday at dawn,
then it stays.

But I don’t wanna
rebuild the Grassy Knoll.

FRIDA KAHLO:
We should listen to Mops.

HARRIET TUBMAN: Yeah,
that's fair. That makes sense.

We are rebuilding
the Grassy Knoll.

Oh, good luck with that,
sweetheart.

(SNIFFS) What smells so yummy?

-(CURLY SIZZLING)
-That’s my Curly, fried.

I’ll take her to go.

♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"
BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪

♪ Way, way back in the s
Secret government employees ♪

♪ Dug up famous guys
And ladies ♪

♪ And made amusing
Genetic copies ♪

♪ Then the clones
As teens were frozen ♪

♪ Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪

♪ Back for reasons
They’re not disclosin’ ♪

♪ Giving high school
Another try ♪

♪ It’s time to watch
Clone High ♪

♪ Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪

♪ Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) No! My legs!

-It’s happening again.
-(MUG SHATTERING)

-(JOAN OF ARC GROANS)
-(PATCHES SCREECHES)

I have to save the Grassy Knoll.
Sorry, Patches.

-(GASPS)
-(GRUNTS)

-Ugh.
-(GRUNTS)

-What’s wrong with your legs?
-What’s wrong with your legs?

-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-(SIGHS) Never mind.

I’m going away this weekend
on a very important,

very business-y,
business retreat.

In case of emergency,
I’m keeping my phone silenced.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Well, enough bonding.
Don’t gain weight. Bye.

-(SIGHS, GASPS)
-(SCREECHES)

-(WINDOW SHATTERING)
-(PATCHES SCREECHING)

-(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)
-MOTHER: (YELLING) My baby!

-(SOBBING)
-(BABY WAILING)

-MOTHER: Oh. My baby’s fine.
-(SIGHS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Thanks, guys, for helping me
pass out these flyers.

(GROANS) You know how special
the Grassy Knoll is to me.

You used to screen

-your black-and-white films
there...
-(GROANS)

(CHUCKLING) ...and I used
to get milkshakes thrown at me.

And I used to throw
those milkshakes.

-Save the Grassy Knoll.
-♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-(GASPS)
-(GASPS)

(JFK CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Listen, did you feel

what I felt after we kissed
in the musical?

I did!
I tried to turn my heart off,

but you keep giving me
a heart-on.

I feel like I’m cheating
on Joan.

Me too.

(BOTH) We need to avoid
each other at all costs.

(BOTH GASP)

-(CAR CRASHING)
-(BABY WAILING)

MOTHER: (YELLING) My baby!

JFK: Calm down.
Your baby’s fine, ma’am.

Help save one of Exclamation’s
historical treasures,

-the Grassy Knoll. (GRUNTS)
-(GASPS)

-(STUDENT SCREAMING)
-More like, "The Greasy No."

Their tilapia swam
right through me

and back into the man-made
farming pond that it came from.

What, you want
a fancy restaurant

that doesn’t give you diarrhea?

Uh, sorry, Mr. Rockefeller.
(GRUNTS)

-(GASPS)
-(LOCKER DOOR RATTLING)

-Whoa. What is happening?
-JOAN: Nothing!

-This is how I distribute stuff.
-(CROWD GASPS)

-(WHIMPERS)
-Wow, Joan.

I haven’t seen you this excited
about passed-out flyers

since Amelia Earhart
drank all the Peach Schnapps.

Don’t look at me! (GROANS)

-(CROWD GASPS)
-Joan!

Oh, Joan.

-(EKG MONITOR BEEPING)
-JFK: Hmm.

-I need to call your foster mom.
-(CELL PHONE BEEPS, RINGS)

-(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
-(CANDIDE SAMPSON SIGHS)

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Scudworth,
we’d like to welcome you

to your first official
work retreat

with the Board
of Shadowy Figures.

Would you like
to kick things off

with the functional
initiatives report?

Oh, I didn’t know
we were doing that now.

Uh, just a moment
while I pull up my PowerPoint.

-Sorry, it’s around here
somewhere.
-(LAPTOP KEYS CLACKING)

Is anyone from IT on the bus?

I’m kidding, of course.
But, oh, God.

-I’m at five percent. (SCREAMS)
-Just kidding...

-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-...biatch!

-Let’s get our retreat on.
-♪ (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(CROWD CHEERS)

Well, this is a fun surprise.
(GULPS)

-(CROWD CHEERING)
-It’s a business trip, bitch!

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Joan, you’re up!

I’m so glad you’re okay.

For now. Your friend
is very sick. She’s not well.

Well, which one is it?

-Is she sick or not well?
-(INHALES DEEPLY) Both.

-Abe, I have Psylly Legs.
-(SOBBING) No!

Wait, what is that?

DR. NEELANKAVIL: Psylly Legs
is named after the doctor

who first diagnosed it.
Roberta Psylly.

When the patient experiences
a build-up of nostalgia,

the patient’s legs become
what we in medicine call...

-"Psylly."
-Joan, I had no idea.

-(JOAN GRUNTS)
-(GROANS)

I never wanted you to know, Abe.
The truth is,

I’ve been living
with Psylly Legs for years.

-Why wouldn't you tell me?
-Because of the incident.

-♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-It was and my foster dad

took me to my first concert,
John Cougar Mellencamp.

I was loving it
until he announced

he was officially
changing his name

to "John Mellencamp."

The nostalgia
just started to boil up in me.

No more Cougar?
That’s when I felt it.

I couldn’t control my legs,
they just started going crazy.

-I ended up on stage...
-(CROWD LAUGHING)

-...and everyone pointed
and laughed.
-♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

JOAN: When I was finally
diagnosed,

everyone treated me like
something to pity.

There were bake sales
to "Fix Kicksy Trixie,”

and cover the costs

of my medical grade
wooden pants.

I just wanted to be treated
like everyone else.

It was the worst time
of my life.

Wait, you were Kicksy Trixie?
I thought she d*ed.

No, I just dyed my hair

and came back to school
in regular pants.

Luckily, I realized
folk rock music wasn’t for me,

and I’ve kept my condition
hidden ever since.

I’ve given her
prescription tap shoes,

so you’ll know
when her Psylly Legs

are flaring up.

If the nostalgia grows toxic,
it could spread to her heart.

(BOTH GASP)

-And then she could die.
-(BOTH GASP)

If you hear her saying things
like, "Back in my day,"

or, "You’re ruining my
childhood,"

it may be too late.

But Psylly Heart
can be prevented.

How? I’ll do anything.

The temporary solution...

would be to rebuild
the Grassy Knoll

to keep her nostalgia at bay.

But the more permanent
solution is...

We don’t have time for that!

I’ll get everyone to help
save you, Joan.

-I’m off to tell everyone
-No! You can’t tell anyone,

and definitely not JFK.

I just got used
to being popular.

I don’t want anything
to change that.

Your secret’s safe with me.
But from now on,

let’s never keep secrets
from each other,

big or small,
no matter the consequences.

Deal. Seal it with a blood pact?

Psylly Legs
isn’t transmissible, is it?

-Only via toilet seats.
-Let’s cut some fingers.

(RETCHES)
I don’t do well around blood.

♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Friends, is there anyone
you care about more than Joan?

-(STUTTERS) No! Definitely not!
-What? Did someone
say something?

Then let’s rebuild
the Grassy Knoll for her.

I mean, the new condos
could be a good thing.

They’re supposed
to be fully sustainable.

I heard they were gonna offer
low-income housing.

Uh, I mean, normally,
I’d agree with that,

but sometimes it’s better
to sustain a friendship

-than the environment.
-And this is one of those times.

-For friendship!
-(CROWD AGREEING)

I mean, I guess,
if everyone else is doing it.

Does anyone mind if I kick off
a fundraising montage?

-Cool.
-(KARAOKE MACHINE CLICKS)

♪ (POP MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Thanks, Mom.

I am so glad
you have rich parents.

They make fundraising montages
so much easier.

Joanie!
We raised , dollars.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Wow, I can’t believe
you guys did that.

The perfect amount of money

to make a highly produced
fundraising video

to raise money
to save the Grassy Knoll.

And I have
the perfect video idea.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(BELL TOLLING)

DAVID TENNANT: Onion rings
are a cir... (ECHOING)

...are a circle of time.

-(MUNCHES)
-(CLOCK CHIMING)

DAVID TENNANT:
What is time but a memory?

What is a memory
but the death... (ECHOING)

...the death of thoughts?

I’m David Tennant. Give money.

(PROJECTOR CLICKS)

She spent , dollars
to make that?

Folks will pay a pretty penny
for groundbreaking art.

How much did it raise?

-(CASH REGISTER KEYS CLACKING)
-Uh, let me see here.
Carry the one...

Zero dollars.

-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-And you still have to reimburse

David Tennant
for the sandwiches.

-(SHOES TAPPING)
-I guess the Grassy Knoll

will be gone forever. (WHIMPERS)

Joan? Are you all right?

I’m totally and completely fine.
I'm just gonna hold
this trash can

in front of me, like--
Oh, yeah. (WHIMPERS)

Just gonna go
get some fresh air.

-Don’t run after me! (SCREAMS)
-(TRASH CAN RATTLING)

Should we run after her?

-(CHUCKLING) She’s fine. Oh, my.
-(SHOES TAPPING)

Is that the sound
of a woodpecker?

Uh, tap, tap, tapping away?

Nothing to worry about
or investigate. Just stay put.

CROWD: Hmm.

-Joan! Joan, stop.
-(SOBS)

I can’t! (SOBS)

-(GLASS SHATTERING)
-(GRUNTS) Hideous! Hideous!

-Joan, I can’t do this alone!
-(JOAN GRUNTING)

-(LAMPS SHATTERING)
-This is too much
for one teen to handle.

-Can’t we just tell our friends?
-(JOAN GRUNTING)

I can’t risk it, Abe.

If they start treating me
differently,

it could send me
into a Psylly spiral.

-What about your foster mom?
-(JOAN GRUNTING)

-Can’t we tell her?
-No, Abe. She’s at a conference.

She’s a modern-day
working woman.

-Look out! Got you now!
-(CANDIDE GRUNTS)

-Take that, bitch! Whoo!
-(CROWD CHEERS)

-(JOAN GRUNTS)
-Joan, I-- (GROANS)

Ah! Remember this leg lamp
from A Christmas Story?

-It was-- (GRUNTS)
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

No! That movie isn’t as good
as you remember, Joan.

-(LAMP SHATTERING)
-Really charming.

-But you gotta stop.
-I can’t!

Back in my day,
it was the best movie

and I kept thinking
about how Mr. Big Corporation

is ruining my childhood.

Joan, you just said,
"Back in my day"

and "Ruin my childhood!"

(GASPS)
The nostalgia is becoming toxic.

We have to accept

that my Psylly Legs
will definitely k*ll me.

-No! (GROANS)
-(GRUNTS)

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-(JOAN GRUNTS)
-I’m gonna be here for you
no matter what.

-Every step of the way.
-(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

My precious babies!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Go, Joan. (GRUNTS)
Yee-haw! Ha!

-(SCREAMS, GROANS)
-(CAT MEOWS)

Hey! (SCOFFS)
What’s all the commotion? Joan?

Pop singer
turned dramatic actress,

Mandy Moore? Wow!

I haven’t seen you
since you taught me

the true spirit
of Snowflake Day.

-I am not Mandy Moore.
-Are you sure?

Because you have a
"This Is Us" poster.

(CHUCKLES) No.

-It says, "This Is Not Us."
-Right. "Not Us." Wait. (GRUNTS)

Have you been living
in a dumpster for years?

Not the same dumpster.

It’s amazing what you can do
with trash. Look.

Wow! How’d you get
a view of Central Park?

We don’t live anywhere
near New York.

Anything is possible
with trash.

-(GRUNTS)
-♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-Trash is stuff
privileged people throw away...
-(FLIES BUZZING)

...when it’s too hard
to recycle.

-Hideous!
-(TRASH CAN RATTLES)

You can use stuff to make stuff.

-(GRUNTS)
-(GROANS)

My couch is a banana peel.

You’re right, Trash Mandy.

We can rebuild
the Grassy Knoll with trash,

since we don’t have any money.

Boy. If we build
the Grassy Knoll again,

then I won’t have
nostalgia for it,

and I’ll be cured
of Psylly Legs.

The Grassy Knoll
was total garbage.

So, it only makes sense

to rebuild it
with total garbage.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, Mandy.
I love this idea!

-I’m gonna go tell the group.
-Abe, wait.

Thanks for stepping up
and being my best

non-sexual friend.

I'm gonna be okay!

I won’t turn out
to be like that girl

-in A Walk to Remember.
-Hey!

Really seems like
you’re Mandy Moore.

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-(SIGHS)
-♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(GASPS) You came back for me.

(SIGHS) We have to figure
this out. It’s not fair to Joan.

It’s true,
but how can we know for sure

if we’re supposed
to be together?

We can’t know for sure,
but our tongues can.

(BOTH SLURP)

Guys! Dumpster Mandy Moore said

we can use free trash
to rebuild the Grassy Knoll--

No!

-(BOTH SLURP)
-Oh, I wish I could unsee that!

But I’m just gonna watch it
for one more sec to make sure

I got it.
Oh! I definitely got it.

-No!
-(BOTH SLURP)

(BOTH) Meh.

Ugh! Gross. I feel more

when I kiss my reflection
in the mirror.

You do that too? Huh.

You know, I’d never do this
with one of my old broads,

but, uh, should we be honest
and tell Joan?

We didn’t technically
do anything wrong.

Would you tell someone
about a crime

-you didn’t actually commit?
-You’re right!

It’s, uh, like,
if you drove off a bridge

and accidentally k*lled a gal.

Do you sit around
and wait for the police?

(CHUCKLES) Hell no!

(SIGHS) I don’t know
if that’s the takeaway.

You’re right. Not telling Joan
is the easiest,

and therefore,
rightest thing to do.

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Dr. Neelankavil,
I’m really troubled.

I saw Joan’s boyfriend
kissing her best friend,

and I don’t know
if I should tell Joan.

I don’t wanna trigger her
Psylly Legs,

but I wanna do
what’s best for her.

Listen, Abe.
I’m just a doctor of the body,

not of the heart or mind.

But Joan is very Psylly,

and you don’t
wanna be responsible

-for her being too Psylly.
-You're right.

But I did see you
make a blood pact with her,

promising not to keep secrets

from each other
under any circumstances.

So, it’s a tough call,

but I’m sure
you’ll make the right one.

Thanks, Dr. Neelankavil.
Can I put my pants back on now?

You didn’t need to take them off
in the first place.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-♪ (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Let’s use the old wood
as the frame

and the glass shards
as windows.

-And the rotten coffee grounds
as new coffee grounds.
-(FLIES BUZZ)

Are you guys seriously doing--
What’s that word?

It begins with a "C"
and it has hair in it?

-Uh, charity?
-Yes.

-Ugh, it even sounds disgusting.
-It’s happening.

I’m gonna get my place back
and not die.

-(CROWD GASPS)
-Uh...

From boredom. Duh!
Not from a disease.

You're my disease, baby.
And I never wanna get well.

And I don’t ever want to be
with another disease either.

Thanks?

And you’re my best
new female friend,

who I only wanna help,
and never hurt.

So, let’s get this garbage
hang out together. Yeah!

Abe, people are acting weird.
Oh, do you think they know?

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

I don’t know what they know.

But what I know
is nothing about something.

-Now you’re acting weird.
-I’m not acting weird.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
I’m sh**ting you straight,
partner.

-(SHOES TAPPING)
-That’s not how you talk.

What’s wrong with you?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
I’m sure I don’t know,
little lady.

Abe, I need you
to be honest with me.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Honest Abe, comin' at you,

on the level,
givin' ya the straight dope.

I don’t know
who you are right now.

I’m just trying
to make the right decision

in a difficult situation.

What does that even mean? I--

-Joan, I don’t-- I can’t-- I--
-(GRUNTS, GROANS)

-(CROWD GASPS)
-Joan!

-(EKG MONITOR BEEPING)
-Thank God, you’re alive.

-(JOAN GRUNTS)
-(GROANS)

-I was so worried. (GROANS)
-(JOAN GRUNTS)

Wow! It turns out urgent care

is a great alternative
to the ER! (GROANS)

-You look really sick. (GROANS)
-(JOAN GRUNTS)

You all shouldn’t be here.

Abe, I trusted you to keep
my Psylly Legs a secret.

-Yo. Your what?
-I told you, Joan.

I didn’t say anything
about that.

What’s going on, Joanie?

-(GRUNTS) Nothing.
-(GROANS)

-It’s not a big deal.
-This is a huge deal.

Your nostalgia levels
are through the roof.

The Psylliness is mere inches
from your heart.

-This is what Psylly Heart
looks like.
-(GIGGLES)

(GIGGLES)

-(SCREAMS)
-Whoa!

-(CROWD GASPS)
-(SCREAMS)

Look, I don’t want your pity.
Just leave me alone.

-Get out of here.
-We’re your friends.

If there’s anything we can do,
just let us know.

And if you just want us
to leave, that’s fine, too.

You’re not trying to coddle me?

Ew. I don’t even know
how to do that.

I’ve never had a group
of friends like this before.

We just wanna do
whatever’s best for you, Joan.

Then we need to finish
rebuilding the Grassy Knoll

before it’s too late.

It’s the only thing
that can save me.

Actually, that’s just
a temporary solution.

A permanent solution
would be to accept

that there is change in life.
Grow and move on.

-We’re doing Joan’s thing.
-We’re gonna temporarily

-save your life.
-(CAMERA CLICKS)

Before anyone’s life
is saved,

we need to get a hold
of your foster mom

for billing purposes.

You can try but she’s a single,
working mother doing her best.

-♪ (POP MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-In your face, bitch!

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-In my face, indeed.

You are the Queen
of Alcohol Pong.

Hey, Scudworth,

maybe you’re not
a total piece of sh*t.

Ah! Do you mean it?
Oh! Work retreats are the best.

-(GRUNTS)
-(CROWD CHEERS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

-It’s beautiful.
-♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

And it even smells the same.
(GRUNTS, SIGHS)

(GASPS) My legs are now
so steady and-- and firm.

(LAUGHING)
I’m not Psylly anymore!

-♪ (POP SONG PLAYS) ♪
-(BULLDOZER ENGINE RUMBLES)

All right.
Time to bulldoze this thing.

Wait, are you kidding?

We rebuilt the Grassy Knoll
in three days.

We honored the contract.

(CHUCKLES) You needed to put
an "Open" sign on the door.

Sorry, you didn’t read the back.

You can’t bulldoze anything
with friendship protecting it.

CROWD: Yeah! Friendship wall.

-Ah, okay. You kids win.
-(BULLDOZER BELL BEEPING)

(CROWD CHEER)

-(LAUGHS) Suckers!
-(GASPS)

The Grassy Knoll is gone again!

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Hmm. Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
I’m actually okay, guys.

I no longer have nostalgia
for the past.

All thanks to my new friends,

who I can make
new memories with.

Abe, I’m so sorry,
I doubted you.

You’re the most loyal,

trustworthy friend
anyone could have.

Yeah, that’s me.

Now, that she’s better,
we should probably confess,
right?

I know. I feel awful.

Joanie! Thank God you’re better!

There’s no way I could have
gotten better without you--

JFK and I kissed!

-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-We-- We thought
there was something there

after the kiss in the musical,

so, uh, we had to make sure.
But my wiener felt zippo.

Like I was kissing my hairy aunt
at the cookout.

It was like a sock
filled with oatmeal

just dangling there.
Joan, say something.

(CHUCKLES)
Th-- This didn’t happen.

The-- I deny it. (CHUCKLES)

It’s my fault.
(SOBBING) I blame myself!

No! This is f*cked up!
May God smite you!

-Joan. I’m sorry, baby. Please.
-Just let it ride.

She’s going through
the stages of grief.

JOAN: (SOBBING)
I hate this. I hate myself.

No! Screw this.
Screw you all to hell!

Why are there so many clouds?
I’m fine. I’m totally fine.

(SCREAMS) Squirrels talk to me.

-I’m so alone.
-JFK: How many stages are there?

HARRIET: I feel like
we’re in the home stretch.

Quit looking at me! Die, tree!

I’m drowning my feelings.
It’s okay.

Thank you
for being honest with me.

I’m glad they told you.

That was so hard
keeping that secret from you.

-What?
-(SHOES TAPPING)

You knew and you didn’t tell me?

I was trying to be
a good best friend

and protect you.
That’s why I didn’t tell you.

The old Abe
wouldn’t have done that.

He would have honored
our blood pact.

And right now,
I’m nostalgic for him.

Oh, God. How do we stop this?

I need to get over
our friendship,

the same way I got over
the music of John Mellencamp.

-(JFK GASPS)
-I need to accept

that there’s change in life.
Grow, and move on.

What does that mean?

I have to let our friendship go.

(WHIMPERS)

(JOAN MOANS)

(EMPLOYEE COUGHS)

I need an aspirin
and a Plan B for Mr. B.

One hundred missed calls
from Joan?

Boy, I’m glad
I had this turned off.

That would have been
very annoying.

Hey, um. You know
how you said

I wasn’t a total piece of sh*t
yesterday?

I don’t remember anything
from these trips.

Right. Okay.
(HESITATES) You know,

I remember everything
quite vividly.

Some pretty good stories
actually.

(SNORES)

That’s progress, Mr. B. (SNORES)

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I’m so amazed
you got Mr. Big Corporation

to rebuild the Grassy Knoll.

Mr. Big Corporation’s
my ex-stepdad. Whatever.

I mean, sure, it looks nothing
like the original Grassy Knoll,

and it only serves Acai bowls,

but at least
it has the same name.

-Thanks, Cleo.
-(CHUCKLES) It’s not about you.

I just really missed
chucking food at nerds. (GRUNTS)

-(GROANS)
-CLEOPATRA: Yes!

Well, the only thing
from the old menu

they still let me serve
is my famous hot coffee.

Here you go. On the house.

So, what happened
to "Tony Jamaica’s"

-clothing shop?
-Ah.

Retail is just a giant hassle,

but I did at least
get some artwork out of it.

-(SIPS, SPITS)
-(SCREAMS)

-Ugh!
-(TRAY CLATTERING)

Still tastes like hot,
pukey mop water.

(SIGHS)
Oh, good to be home, Mopps.

-Good to be home!
-(CROWD CHEERS)

♪ Oh, seventeen ♪

(SOBS)

♪ The bathroom sink beneath ♪

♪ I've been learning how to sing
Ever since ♪

♪ Oh, light of love ♪

♪ Holy fire once enough ♪

♪ Wide awake
In the morning sun ♪

♪ A fire I knew ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ A love where I will end ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ A love where I will end ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪