05x22 - Robots Versus Wrestlers

[bunniefuu]

Ted joins Barney, Marshall and Lily at McLaren's.

Barney: Guess what I have behind my back.

Lily: Wait, wait. I will find. Left.

Barney: Not a good game but okay. Five tickets well placed to Robots vs. Wrestlers.

Marshall: Robots vs. Wrestlers?

Ted: Great!

Barney: You know Robots vs. Wrestlers?

Marshall: No.

Ted: But we think some kind of sport in which robots wrestlers.

Barney: That's exactly it, according to the website!

Lily: Wait, wait. Who is the fifth ticket?

Barney: Uh... Robin. I know... She lives with her boyfriend and she said not wanting to hang out with us, but it's Robots vs. Wrestlers. Robots vs.... Wrestlers!

Marshall: Barney is right. It is impossible to deny that.

Robin, on the phone: I refuse. I'd like to come but, I go out with Don Saturday. There is a Chinese.

Lily: I assume you're talking about cooking, otherwise I would have other issues.

Robin: I'm sorry, Lily, but I have a chance to Don. And I will not drink out with you every night... especially when "you" included two of my ex.

Lily: I understand. You're right. We miss you much.

Robin: You too. I gotta go. It is called? (She hangs up) Sorry, New York, I had to answer. Where were we? Bus accident.

Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney are at the bar.

Barney: She said no? How could she? Robots vs. Wrestlers of our tradition is the largest group.

Lily: Tradition? It was never done.

Barney: It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily. This is obviously a tradition. It starts like this. First, Robin moves in with Don and Marshall and Lily have a baby, then Ted...

Ted: Goes?

Barney: I was going to say "was found eaten by her cats," but it's not good either. Everybody leaves me, and I like it!

Lily: Do not worry about a baby on our side. It is not yet started.

Marshall: Absolutely. A small road.

Lily: A small long road.

Marshall: But you can see.

Lily: Very, very far.

Marshall: But you can see the exit sign.

Lily: Oh? I see it.

Marshall: You should put yourself on track.

Ted: I understand how you feel. It is important friendship. In this regard, Emerson wrote a great poem, titled Friendship. You'll love it. "A drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea..."

Ted (2030): It's always been like that, with the group as soon as I tried to get some culture.

Flashback

Ted: You must try this Syrah. A taste of creme de cassis, red berries, oak heated... (Marshall and Lily are the kitchen while Ted sat on the bench) letter in September, baritone white. Of course! A lyric baritone! Which is higher than a bass-baritone.There is a key moment in the second act of La Boheme...

End flashback

Ted: I try to add some class to our meetings. It's like this quote from Dante's Inferno. "Consider the race of which you are created not to live like brutes but to follow virtue and knowledge."Or, in Italian original...

Marshall, Barney and Lily laugh, from Ted.

GENERIC

Barney: You're right. I exaggerate with this story of Robin. What is an announcement? Wife Robin Don. I'll die alone! Ted eventually eaten by her cats!

Ted: Relax... It's for Marissa Heller.

Barney: Marissa Heller? She looks good. Face, breasts, describe. Begins with the breasts.

Ted (2030): Who is Marissa Heller?

Flashback

10 years earlier...

Ted (2030): The mystery began when we moved there 10 years.

Marshall: Ted! It was our first post! It is popular. It was... a golf magazine for... Marissa Heller. A catalog of wicker furniture, also Marissa Heller. And a voucher for a bird shop... addressed to Marissa Heller... or check it out... "Current Resident." It's us! It has mail!

Ted: Fantastic! That must be the previous tenant. I wonder how it looks.

Ted (2030): And that's how an image began to form. A picture of Marissa Heller, Marissa... the golfer Heller, one who loves the wicker... And Marissa Heller, ornithophilic.

End flashback

Ted: And since, in every mail we receive, the picture becomes clearer. But we know not how it looks. I will follow it as always...

Lily: Open it.

Ted: An invitation to the annual Spring Jefferson Van Smoot, for Saturday night... in his apartment in Alberta! Friends... This is the most beautiful building in Manhattan! We gotta go!

Marshall: It depends, on the invitation, it's about robots fighting wrestlers to rule the galaxy?

Ted: It's about an open bar.

Barney: We change the plan for Saturday. Evening Marissa Heller for alcohol and Robots vs. Wrestlers. But one of us should pretend to Marissa Heller.

Marshall: I'm flattered but Lily should.

Ted (2030): The big night arrived. Our first stop... The building Alberta.

Ted, Marshall, Lily and Barney enters the building.

Ted: This building is fabulous! You saw the gate and terracotta panels outside?

Lily: I just got a text from Robin. It says...

Barney: Guys, we get together. Lil, you can do... All you have to watch the guy in front, say your name is Marissa Heller, and it passes. And I repeat, to be sure, no accent.

Lily: It is certain that it is not English, though? Okay! I do. I go there. (A young woman arrives) Sorry. Go ahead.

Woman: I come for the reception of Mr. Van Smoot. I'm Marissa Heller.

Lily: Damn it then!

Ted: That's Marissa Heller. She is pretty.

Marshall: She has beautiful teeth. It should not need the reminder cards to go to the dentist.

Lily: What do we do?

Barney: I do we go to the party, that's what! (He goes to Marissa) We met at the meeting of ornithophilic.

Marissa: I do not believe.

Barney: Lovers of wicker?

Marissa: No.

Barney Stinson, outside. It will not.

Ted: I'm on it. This lift uses the same mechanism from its installation in 1906. It seems that Lamar Louis Skolnick, the architect of the building, has cut the panels himself.

Marissa: A fan of Skolnick? I love the juxtaposition between the German Renaissance outside...

Ted: And some French influence inside! He was an architect with a poet's soul, really.

Lily, holding Barney: No, no. It works.

Ted: I must make a confession. It is not on the list, but I always wanted to see the inside of Alberta.

Marissa: So, this way. We are together.

Barney: I said I'd get us.

They take the elevator.

Lily: So... nobody saw The Young and the Restless?

Flashback

Lily: Great! Who commissioned illustrated soap? Marissa Heller, I like your style.

End flashback

Lily: No one? Do I understand that there is not one fan of soap in this elevator?

Marissa: I have no television. The only opera I see are at the Met.

Ted: Prem's.

They exit the elevator.

Marissa: I'm sorry. Jefferson, my dear.

Marshall: I'm not dressed for it.

Barney: In a coined word "assh*le-Apocalypse."

Ted: This is Peter Bogdanovich, talking to Arianna Huffington and Will Shortz, crossword editors of The New York Times! Try at least, Chow and alcohol free. 20 minutes and off we go.

Man: But, the music changed, and Glovanni Artusi, simply do not understand the new way of composing.

Ted: Sorry, you talk about the fourth book of madrigals?

Man: Dear boy, what else?

Ted: This is my favorite book of madrigals.

Server: smoked foie gras with mango and caramel cream?

Marshall: You have nothing that resembles a mini cheeseburger?

Server: I do not think, sir.

Marshall: Mini pizzas? French fries? Something that makes me think I'm a giant?

Server: I look, sir.

Marshall: He will watch it.

Barney talks to a woman.

Barney: This morning I made the heart of the Ambassador of the Netherlands. I hope he gets better.

Woman: Really? A colleague of mine was prescribed Coumadin. And it is impossible it should be anticoagulated and if she had surgery.

Ted: You know who published an article on great Walt Whitman, and political semantics? Professor Hammersmith Oxford.

Woman: I'm the teacher Hammersmith.

Man: That's exactly what Truffaut spoke in his 1954 article in Cahiers du Cinema. Cinema is the substance of the filmmaker.

Marshall, laughing: Films... right? Actors. Willem Dafoe. Fun Fact of Willem Dafoe, his name sounds a bit like a frog, a parrot that talks. Willem Dafoe...! Willem Dafoe...!

Barney: As Undersecretary of Finance, I had a great influence on this legislation. Now, I wonder if you will accompany me in the map room to stimulate my package.

Woman: I do not think, my dear. You're too old for me.

Barney: Zsa Zsa Gabor is still sexy, but other than that, it is rotten this holiday.

Lily: We tried, it's been 20 minutes. We are going. Where is Ted?

Marshall: I know how to find it. Just a second... (They clap a gong) gongs, eh? Stronger than we think.

Man: Boy, this gong is a relic of 500 years that has not been hit since WS Gilbert at the premiere of The Mikado in London in 1885.

Marshall: It is the relic of his wife 500 years that has not been hit since WS Gilbert at the premiere of The Mikado in London in 1885.

Ted: Friends, Will Shortz, editors of the Times crossword. You know, I always say they use "Ulee" of Gold Life for vowels? Tell them.

Will Shortz: That's the vowels.

Marshall: Can I talk for a second?

Ted: Ten letters, a diminutive egg pie?

Will: Mini quiche? Where?

Ted: There. A great reception.

Marshall: Grave. We are going. It's time for Robots vs. Wrestlers.

Marissa: Ted. There you are. We will soon make blind-tests of white wine. It will surely be great.

Ted: I missed that glitch. I know, do not bother to say. There's no glitch in the wine.

Lily: Miss Lily in the living room with the chancellor.

Man: Great God, no! They belonged to Edgar Allan Poe!

Lily: Sorry!

Ted: Look, I'm having fun here, so I'll pass Robots vs. Wrestlers.

Barney: But you never missed Robots vs. Wrestlers. It happens that way. First Robin us loose, and now you? And for those pretentious snobs and old game?

Ted: Actually, I like those pretentious snobs and they are not old fashioned fart noise when I open my mouth. I remain. See you tomorrow.

Barney: It's an evening.

Lily: It means nothing.

Barney: It means everything. If you come not to Robots vs. Wrestlers, it's the end of our friendship.

Ted: See you tomorrow.

Barney: All right. So you do most of our group, forever. You can ask to return in 2 years. Come see wrestlers fight like robots. I'm embarrassed. I forgot something.

Barney taps the gong and enters the elevator with Marshall and Lily.

Man: Where did your buddies?

Ted: You know, a reading of poetry.

Marshall, Barney and Lily attend combat Robots vs. Wrestlers.

Marshall: The best tradition of all time!

Barney: You crazy not me, Marshall. Let's be honest. The group is finite. Ted is gone, like Robin. That separates us as well.

Lily: Boy, Barney, stop with your abandonment issues. Ted has the right to have a life outside the group. As we all.

Barney: Wait. Why do you say that all of a sudden? My God, you're pregnant!

Lily: No.

Barney: My God, have you ever had the baby! It is just behind me, huh?

Lily: No, silly. One day we all move forward in our lives. It's called growing up.

Robot: That's all you got, fagot?

Barney: You can at least promise to not get pregnant within a year?

Lily: I can not.

Barney: You can not?

Marshall: You can not?

Ted is blindfolded, a glass in hand.

Ted: Citrus and honeycomb with a sharp acidity. This is a Sauvignon Blanc, Loire Valley. The town of Sancerre.

Man: Okay, again! Bravo, my boy!

Barney: No! You can not have children! You want to raise a child in this crazy world.

Marshall: The world is pretty cool right now.

Barney: Okay, Lily, I have no choice. If you have a daughter, day, no, the minute she is 18... Gong!

Marshall: Babies.

Barney: I hope Ted is unhappy.

Ted sings.

Will: Ted, you are a remarkable lyric baritone.

Ted: Thank you, Will Shortz.

Barney: Okay, you can have a baby, but only under the following conditions: 1-You promise to always love me more than the baby, 2-Once a month, I can use to shake the baby, 3 - It may include a drop baby from the first floor and that saves me; 4-No breastfeeding in front of me. Forget the five-four, get out your breasts when you want.

Ted (2030): And something extraordinary happened.

Marshall: Holy sh*t!

Lily: I can not believe!

Ted: Of course, hell is an interesting concept, is not it? I always liked to imagine it as Dante's Divine Comedy. If I may. Italian original... (Thinking...) I do not believe it. I recite the Divine Comedy in Italian original, and nobody makes fart noises. It's weird. I've never gone that far. I just seem to be an assh*le. My God, I control myself! Listen to me, I am completely let go! I'm the biggest assh*le on the planet. I wish someone stops me.

Ted (2030): And someone did. Children, I told you that earlier this year, we met with duplicates of ourselves in the city. Robin There was a lesbian. There was the mustachioed Marshall. And, of course, Lily the stripper. That evening, another lookalike appeared... Ted Mexican wrestler.

Ted wrestler: Soy el conquistador de las maquinas!

Ted: I gotta run.

Barney, Marshall and Lily are at the bar.

Barney: Rule number 83. If something out of the baby ends up on my costume, I can touch the breasts of Lily.

Marshall: Dude, what's your thing with the breasts of my woman tonight?

Barney: It is not I who make the rules.

Marshall: Do you really think about all this?

Lily: I know. Maybe not.

Marshall: For what it's worth, I think we are ready. We love, we are financially stable, and frankly, it would change that much the way we live.

Ted (2030): Lily still loves to remind Marshall that said that.

Lily: If being at home with a baby, tonight we have never seen a dead ringer for Ted. It would make you what, if we had missed it?

Marshall: I blame the boy for the rest of his life.

Lily: Right, for his daughter's life.

Marshall: You're right. No need to rush.

Lily: What do you say that? We agree that it makes no sense to have a child before he saw the five doubles, right?

Marshall: Sure, it goes without saying.

Lily: So when we finally see a dead ringer for Barney, this is the message of the universe to tell us to do. And at that time, we'll try. Deal?

Marshall: Deal.

Ted arrives at the bar.

Barney: Look who thinks he can come here and repeat the group. Well, you can forget. Pity, remake the group! I want to lose anyone yet! We're sorry. You can recite all the poems of assh*le that you want, we never say anything bad on it, I promise.

Ted: Really? Because there is a poem I would recite... Friendship of Ralph Waldo Emerson. "A drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea The world uncertain comes and goes..."

Robin comes to making the fart noise.

Robin: Sorry, someone had to. I pay my tour.

Ted (2030): Children, let me say that over the years, none of us got a little separated at one time or another. We do not want, but it happens. But whatever had to happen, until now, and whatever happens, we will all, every year, see Robots vs. Wrestlers.

Man: Good night. Thank you very much, I enjoyed myself so much. Willem Defoe...!

END