[LOW, THRUMMING RUMBLING]
[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS, FADES]
[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]
[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]
[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]
[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING STOPS]
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING]
[PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES]
[SNIFFLES]
[WOMAN] Mmm. Yum.
- Mmm. Hmm.
- Mmm.
- Ah. Hey, Joan.
- Mike.
♪ End up on the date line, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ Rich with no day job ♪
♪ Hit your wop, wop ♪
♪ Always on the courtside, uh-huh, huh ♪
♪ B-b-billionaire boys wanna eat me out ♪
♪ I'm from the west coast ♪
♪ They wanna go down south ♪
♪ All these lame little rappers ♪
♪ Tryna for clout ♪
♪ I won't let him hit ♪
♪ But he can put it in his mouth ♪
♪ Lil' waist, fat fat, baby, tap in ♪
♪ Tap, tap, tap in ♪
♪ Diamonds dancin' on your neck ♪
♪ Better tap in ♪
♪ Tap, tap, tap in ♪
♪ Gettin' money, get rich, baby, tap in ♪
["TAP IN" FADES]
How's the coffee?
If I'm honest...
- I'll tell 'em to look at the machine.
- Thank you.
Oh, and Sandy's outside
waiting for that : .
Oh God.
I know.
Okay. Um, give me five.
I need to, like, psych up.
[EXHALES] I'm so sorry. So sorry.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
You're letting me go?
Um... Okay, but I'm still working
on my audio compression algorithm.
Unfortunately, the board feel
your compression algo isn't
a thing that they wanna pursue.
Uh, okay. Well, without it,
we'll need more data servers.
I know. I know.
Which means a bigger carbon footprint.
We'll breach
all of our environmental pledges.
- I'm sorry. It's how the board feel.
- [WOMAN SIGHS]
I just put a deposit down
on a new apartment.
I'm sure this hasn't been
an easy decision for them.
[WOMAN] Joan.
Please don't do this.
Please, not now.
I can't... I... I thought we were friends.
- Okay.
- Joan!
I'm just gonna give you a minute
to compose yourself.
I feel pretty composed.
I really... I am so sorry about this.
[SCOFFS] I invited you
to the housewarming. Joan.
[WHISPERS] I've asked Brutus
to escort her out.
Oh God.
[BRUTUS] I'll help you
with your things, Sandy.
[SIGHS]
Oh!
- [GASPS]
- Joan, is that you? I know you're there.
Coward. You're a coward, Joan!
All right, Sandy. We gotta go.
[QUIETLY] f*ck!
[DOOR OPENS]
Joan. Come on in.
[JOAN] Thank you.
[THERAPIST] So, where are we at?
- Not good?
- Oh, no.
[GROANS, CHUCKLES]
It used to be my dream
to run my own coffee shop.
That would not have gone out
with our name on it.
Neither would the coffee
at my job. [LAUGHS]
How is your job?
Um...
I mean, on paper,
it's... it's fancy, I guess.
But I'm just kind of the middleman
between the board up in the clouds
and the staff below me.
So I just kinda feel like
I'm going through the motions every day.
How are things at home?
Um...
I mean, I'm engaged to Krish.
- Yes.
- So, good. Good. It's good.
Like, Krish is a great guy,
and he's smart, and he cares.
But maybe he's just a little bit, like...
vanilla.
You know?
Like, even the food he cooks is bland.
And I'm continuously like...
Mmm.
Sorry, I feel like such an assh*le
saying that. [CHUCKLES]
When I was with my ex...
- Mac?
- Mac, yeah.
Um...
I mean, it was just constant sex
and craziness and...
I mean, the fights were...
[SIGHS] But I never got over him.
Mm-hmm. And then you met Krish.
And then I met Krish.
And he was sweet and safe.
And so I just kinda went with the flow.
But
I just feel like I never,
like, actively chose this.
Like, I feel like I'm just on autopilot.
You know how you are always
talking about, like, the life story?
Mm-hmm.
I was thinking about it, and I...
I feel like I'm not the main character
in my own life story.
And would you like that to change?
Hmm.
[PHONE BUZZING]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXHALES]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey.
Hey.
♪ Tried to shame me ♪
[MAC] It's so good to see you.
I love your hair like that.
The streaks, yowza.
It's not too much?
Phyllis at the salon
kind of, like, talked me into it.
Well, Phyllis at the salon
deserves a raise
'cause you look hot as sh*t.
- Okay. Okay.
- I mean it.
Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
Um...
I mean, you... you came to see me.
To talk because you asked me to.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, how is...
Krish.
Yeah. Krish is good.
Wow. You sound like
you're really crazy about him.
Okay.
We tried us for two years.
Remember how that...
remember how that ended?
- Yep.
- So, yeah, I am marrying Krish.
Oh God, you drive...
You broke us up,
you broke my f*cking heart,
and just when I'm picking up
all of the pieces of my life,
you pop back up like a f*cking...
Like an unflushed turd.
[JOAN LAUGHS]
Well, yeah. It's not what
I was getting at, but yeah.
So, how can I trust you?
You're right. I get it. But
what you and I had was real.
You know it.
I wanna be with you.
I'm here for three days, and
then I go back to San Jose.
Come with me.
I'm serious.
I ca... I can't.
Hey.
I have a great apartment, and
your work has an office there.
I mean, you could get a transfer.
And there's an incredible
sushi place around the corner,
and they have an unbelievable
green dragon roll.
I can't leave Krish.
No, you can't leave Krish.
I can't, Mac.
Yeah, no. You can't leave Krish.
No. No, no, no, no.
- Well... Hey.
- I shouldn't have come.
- I should not have come here.
- Joan.
I'm in my usual suite, and
I'll be here for three days.
[JOAN] Mm.
[DOOR OPENS]
[KRISH] That you, baby?
Yep.
Hi.
Whoa. Froggy's been a-drinking.
Yeah. It was a goodbye party.
Oh. Well, I hope you're hungry.
[CHUCKLES]
Mmm.
Amazing.
Is that salt?
All right.
Hey.
- What do you wanna watch?
- Oh, I'm easy.
- Let's see what's on Streamberry.
- All right.
Mmm.
[JOAN] Um...
- [KRISH] Oh, how about Sea of Tranquility?
- Eh.
Eric said it blows.
Oh. Well, if Eric said it blows...
- Okay.
- Okay.
Loch Henry, the Scottish m*rder thing?
I can't really do another true crime.
- I'm sorry, just after Gacy, I...
- Okay.
What about...
What...
[BOTH LAUGH]
Uh... Oh my God.
Uh... What?
[JOAN] "New drama. Joan Is Awful."
Is that Salma Hayek?
Uh, she even has your hair. [CHUCKLES]
That's not my hair.
Well, it's a lot like your
hair. And she's even called Joan.
[JOAN] Okay. What even is the show?
No clue, but...
- Well, we're watching it.
- No, we're not watching Joan Is Awful.
Whatever the hell it is.
- Just hit play.
- Mm.
- [SPLUTTERS] Come on. Hit play.
- [SIGHS]
[TV CHIRPS]
[PHONE ALARM CHIMING]
[MOANS]
Well, it's a lot like our bedroom.
That's not my hair.
- She uses the same toothpaste as you.
- Okay, just...
This is just weird.
Yeah, it's a little spooky. [LAUGHS]
This Joan is shady.
[CHUCKLES]
[TV JOAN] Mmm...
Babe.
- Babe?
- [MAN ] You should see this.
See what?
What is this?
It's called Joan Is Awful.
It's got Salma Hayek in it.
She looks like Joan.
That job sucked anyway.
[SIGHS] Yeah, I guess.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Joan Is Awful? What the f*ck?
Uh...
Oh my God.
[WOMAN] We're gonna
watch a TV show in a bar?
Yeah, we're absolutely gonna
watch a TV show in a bar.
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAC] Huh.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Hmm.
What the hell?
♪ Daddy on the Facetime ♪
♪ You could never take mine ♪
♪ End up on the dateline, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ Rich with no day job ♪
♪ Hit your wop, wop ♪
♪ Always on the courtside, uh-huh, huh ♪
♪ B-b-billionaire
boys wanna eat me out ♪
[KRISH] Holy sh*t.
That's where you work.
Okay, how did you do this?
- How did I do this?
- This is a prank. How did you do this?
- Well, I didn't...
- I don't find it f*cking funny.
[LAUGHS] I didn't do anything.
How's the coffee?
Dog sh*t.
I'll get the machine replaced.
Please do that.
- Also, Sandy is waiting for that : .
- Joan?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Yeah.
- What?
Oh God. Oh... oh God.
Joan? Jo... Jo... Joan.
[PANTING]
Joan?
[PANTING] I'm having a panic att*ck.
- Uh... All right, um...
- I'm having a panic att*ck.
Okay, okay. Okay. All right, hey, whoa.
Also, Sandy is waiting for that : .
- Is he still there?
- [CHUCKLES] He's still there.
- Just get it over with.
- They made me the gayest man on earth.
Well, I like what he's wearing.
What the f*ck is this?
- How the f*ck is this?
- Um...
- Give me five.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Sure. Thanks.
- Oh my God. Is that what I sound like?
- Sh. Will you be quiet, please?
You think he's better looking than me?
Okay. All right. All right, hey.
Let's slow our breathing down, right?
- Uh, feel the carpet beneath your feet.
- I don't wanna feel the carpet!
All right, hey, whoa.
- Well, just feel the floor.
- Uh... f*ck the floor!
You're f*ring me?
[TV JOAN] Correct. Your audio
algorithm's not happening.
The board thinks it's vaporware.
But, um,
our carbon footprint.
Not their concern.
Well, I just put a deposit
down on an apartment.
- Also not their concern.
- I mean, you see what she's like.
- Oh my God, she is cold.
- Please.
Not... not now.
If not now, when?
- [LAUGHING] She did not say that.
- [TV SANDY] Oh my God.
I did not say that like that.
That is not what happened.
Baby, I believe you.
[TV SANDY CRYING]
[JOAN] Jesus Christ.
Oh my God.
[TV SANDY] What am I
gonna do with my dog?
- Oh my God.
- She's making me so uncomfortable.
I'm so sorry...
- Get Brutus to escort her out.
- Why are you consoling Joan?
- Why am I consoling Joan?
- [TV SANDY] Please just give me a second.
She was upset.
She's being a bitch.
Oh my God. They're making
me look like a monster.
No. Hey, no, look.
Look, it's... Baby, it's Salma Hayek.
Look, people love Salma Hayek.
All right? So, maybe it's not so...
So, maybe it's not so f*cking bad?
So f*cking insane?
- This is bad.
- Okay, all right.
- f*cking insane!
- All right, okay.
Hey, look. I was just
trying to make you feel...
- [JOAN] Oh God.
- Hey, okay. All right. Hey, you're right.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Ooh.
What?
Oh my God, my mom's seen it.
What?
Everybody can see this?
Can everybody that has
Streamberry watch this?
[PHONE CHIMES]
- [JOAN] My dad's seen it.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Marianne's seen it.
Jesus Christ. Oh f*ck.
Oh God.
[JOAN BREATHES HEAVILY]
Oh my God.
Oh God.
- [KRISH] Honey.
- What?
- Has Mac been texting you?
- What?
No. No.
- [KRISH] All right.
- You can come in now.
- Okay. I think we should turn this off.
- What?
[KRISH] Well, actually, I
wanna keep watching. No. No...
- Hey, whoa.
- Krish, Krish, I want it off!
- No.
- [TV THERAPIST] How's life at home?
- Joan!
- [TV JOAN] With Krish?
- He's kind and smart and caring, but...
- Where's this stupid f*cking button?
Very vanilla.
Even his cooking is bland.
[TV THERAPIST] Hmm.
- I didn't say that. Krish, turn it off.
- [TV JOAN] It's just that...
with my ex-boyfriend, Mac,
there was so much
crazy, wild, imaginative,
constant sex.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This isn't real.
Okay? This is the TV. I didn't say this.
- f*ck.
- Krish?
- [TV JOAN] I haven't gotten over Mac.
- Krish!
[TV JOAN] I think maybe
I don't want to.
Oh Christ.
Hey. What she said on the
show, that's not what I think.
- Okay?
- No.
Some of the details...
The whole thing, it's blown
out of proportion, okay?
I didn't say that to my therapist.
So, what did you say?
I...
[KRISH] Mm-hmm.
- [KRISH GRUNTS]
- Krish.
[KRISH GRUNTS]
Krish! Where are you going?
I don't know.
- I don't know. I gotta go.
- Krish, come on. Please, please!
[TV MAC] I'm here three days...
- Hey!
- ... then back to San Jose.
[JOAN] I said...
I can't leave Krish.
Can't you?
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[JOAN GASPS]
[TV JOAN] So, what do you wanna watch?
Sea of Tranquility.
Eh.
Eric says it blows.
Well, if Eric said...
I never liked Krish.
Babe, wait. Come on, sit down. Babe.
Joan Is Awful?
[TV JOAN] Is that Cate Blanchett?
- That's Cate Blanchett?
- Oh no.
- That's Cate Blanchett!
- That's good.
- [TV JOAN] That's not my hair.
- She looks good!
Krish! It's a TV show. It's not real.
I don't know what's going
on, but none of that happened.
Krish, hey! I haven't
even seen Mac in so long.
Then show me your phone.
What?
In the TV show, Mac texted
you, and you texted him back, so
show me your phone.
It's...
it's in the house.
That's convenient, Joan.
[PHONE CHIMES]
- Goodbye.
- Krish.
Krish, please don't go.
Don't go. Please don't
leave me by myself.
This is f*cking insane. Please don't...
Krish! Please!
Krish!
[TV JOAN] Krish, you're being
childish. Come back, please.
You're being very
melodramatic. It's uncalled for.
Oh my God. It's TV. It's not real!
My fidelity for you. My
fidelity for you, that's real.
That's television. Fake, not real.
If you weren't texting
Mac, show me your phone.
They're right about you, Joan.
You're awful.
Krish. I'm not that
awful. It's not real.
[PHONE RINGING]
Come back.
Krish! Don't leave me.
You know I can't be on my own.
- You can't leave me!
- Mac.
- [EXCLAIMS]
- [TV JOAN] Krish!
[EXCLAIMS]
[CRYING]
[CRYING]
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHONE ALARM CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
[PENSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Shame on you.
Oh f*ck.
Oh God.
- Sorry I'm late.
- [ERIC] Uh-huh.
Did you see it?
Everybody saw it.
It's all anyone can talk about.
[EXHALES] How'd it come across?
Fair. Yeah. I just
don't know what this is.
My lawyer's looking into it.
- Krish is so mad at me.
- Joan.
- He walked out last night.
- Hey, Joan.
Everyone's looking at me
like I'm an actual monster.
Joan, just... just try
and keep it together
for, like, the next few minutes.
[SIGHS] Why is Brutus here?
You let slip about the whole algorithm,
data server, carbon footprint thing
in the scene where you fired Sandy.
Technically, you broke your NDA.
What? That's not fair. That was...
That was Salma Hayek!
The board wants you out.
Now.
I'm here to help you pack.
Right on.
[JOAN SNIFFLES]
Sayonara, queen.
Mona.
"I'm in a pantsuit."
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Well, I've checked it over,
and I have to say that actually,
legally, the Streamberry
Corporation can do this.
What?
How?
Trust me, I'm as shocked as you are.
But the show is using my life.
It's... it's my name. It's my career.
It's me. They're...
they're using me, so...
And you assigned them the
right to exploit all of that.
What? When?
Terms and conditions.
I have never seen this before.
[LAWYER] You have. You just
haven't seen it printed out before.
All of that would have popped
up on your phone or whatever
when you first signed up to Streamberry.
And you clicked "accept."
What? I mean, I had...
I had no... How was I
supposed to know this?
I know. But you did accept it,
and so they're in the clear.
No, no. No, no, no. They
can't... they can't do this to me.
There are only so many ways for
me to tell you they absolutely can.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Okay, well, Salma Hayek.
Yeah, pretty cool.
No. No, I'm gonna sue Salma Hayek.
For what?
[SPLUTTERING] For, like,
passing herself off as me.
She has no right to do that.
It's not really Salma Hayek.
Yes, it is.
No. Technically, uh, the show deploys
a digital likeness of Miss Hayek.
They don't film her.
She licensed her image to them.
The entire show is CGI.
It's generated by some kind
of super-advanced, deepfake,
quantum computer mumbo jumbo.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
They could make Salma Hayek blow
an orangutan if they wanted to.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, whoa.
I'm guessing Miss Hayek might
object to that, but you get my point.
Right. So it's all...
it's all computers?
That's how they get it
on the service so fast.
But how do they...
how do they even know what I'm doing?
It's the same... it's the same day.
Well, you know when you got your
phone face down on the table,
and you're in your kitchen, and
you're talking to your friend about,
I don't know, shoe deodorizers,
and then, you know, you go on
your computer and what pops up?
A shoe deodorizing ad.
Then you get an email, and
it's all about shoe deodorizing.
Then you're walking down
the street, shoe deodorizing.
You can't escape it. And it's...
Yeah, so?
Uh, that's how they know.
Okay, but...
[CHUCKLES]
... but the show makes
stuff up about me. Right?
It embellishes things.
It makes me look worse than I really am.
So... [SMACKS TABLE] ... defamation.
Yeah, page , paragraph .
There's something about
creating characters and dialogue
for dramatic purposes.
f*ck!
I agree.
Uh, I hate to say it, but
this thing is... is watertight.
Oh my God.
They got you every
which way and then some.
My advice is to try and ignore it.
What the f*ck kind of advice is that?
It's the only kind I got.
Oh my God.
[JOAN LAUGHING] Okay.
Hi, guys!
Hey, how you doing out there?
Cool! f*ck!
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
Sorry, do I know you?
[GROANING ANGRILY]
[TV JOAN] This show, it is using
my life, my name, my career.
You assigned them the right
to exploit all of that.
When? How?
Terms and conditions.
I've never even seen this.
- I would've known if I signed it.
- This is brutal.
I would've known I'd signed
something I didn't read.
Who has time to read that?
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
[TV LAWYER] You did accept it though.
- [TV JOAN] What?
- Yeah, they're in the clear.
- [TV JOAN] They can't do this to me.
- Oh, hey.
- Can I come in?
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, uh...
They cannot...
There. Sorry.
[CRYING]
Oh, baby.
Honey.
[JOAN CRYING]
[MAC] You're okay.
[JOAN SOBS]
No...
[SOBS]
[JOAN BREATHING HEAVILY]
What's wrong?
Um,
I can't get hard.
Sure you can.
Hey, you want me to do that
horrible thing you love?
It's, um...
It's... This is so public.
What do you mean?
This is gonna be on the show.
Okay, but it's not us.
It's... it's computer people.
- It's Salma Hayek and...
- Well, yeah, I know.
So, I mean, like, I'm gonna be the guy
who can't get it up for Salma Hayek?
I mean, it's like...
You know, it's one thing to not be
able to get it up for, like, you,
but Salma Hayek?
I mean, look, people
are gonna laugh at me.
The show is called f*cking Joan
Is Awful. How do you think I feel?
Hey! Look, when I said I wanted
to get back together with you...
When you basically begged me
to get back together with you.
But I didn't agree
to be a public figure.
Neither did I!
Except you did.
Page of the terms and conditions.
They just said so on the show!
Joan, I always said you gotta
read the terms and conditions.
I can sue Cate Blanchett.
[SCOFFS] Uh, for what?
For passing herself off as me.
That isn't the real Cate Blanchett.
The show just deploys a digital
likeness of Miss Blanchett.
The whole show is CGI.
It's generated by a quantum computer.
They could... [CHUCKLES] ... make
her blow an orangutan if they wanted.
Although I am guessing the real
Miss Blanchett might object to that,
but you get my point.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hmm.
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Oh God.
[COUGHS]
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[GASPS, GROANS]
[STOMACH RUMBLING]
Okay.
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[PRIEST] Anyone knows a reason
why these two may not be wed,
let him speak now.
[AIR HORN BLARING]
- Merry Christmas, one and all!
- [GUESTS MURMURING]
[STOMACH RUMBLING]
[GROANS]
[MAN] Oh my God!
[GUESTS GROANING IN DISGUST]
What are you doing?!
[JOAN GROANING]
Stop!
[SCREAMING]
- Get the kids out of here!
- Get out of here!
[GRUNTS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [LAUGHS]
What's so funny?
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Salma Hayek's gonna f*cking hate this.
[PHOTOGRAPHER] Why?
Have you not seen Joan Is Awful?
No, but it's on my list.
Just wait till episode four.
I hear it's gonna be a blast.
Her lawyer's here. Posted bail.
- Uh...
- You're free to go.
Oh.
[FEMALE OFFICER] For now.
[LAUGHS]
You're disgusting.
Thank you.
[TV PRIEST] ... these two should
not be wed, let him speak now.
[AIR HORN BLARING ON TV]
[TV JOAN] Merry Christmas, one and all!
[GUESTS MURMURING]
[GUESTS GROANING IN DISGUST]
[TV BRIDESMAID] What are you doing?
[LAUGHING]
[JOAN LAUGHING]
[WEDDING SCENE PLAYING ON LAPTOP]
[HAYEK] Never in my wildest nightmares
I thought I'd see myself
defecating in a church.
Well, technically, that's
the Joan character, not you.
So this character,
whose face do they have?
Do they have your face or my face?
Your face.
Salma Hayek's face.
So, then, whose anus
is doing the sh1tting?
Uh,
Salma Hayek's anus?
Bingo.
I am Roman Catholic.
My grandmother Rosa
was going to be a nun.
She might die when she sees this.
What right do they
have to k*ll my abuela
with this deepfake heretic abomination?
Uh, page , paragraph eight.
Paragraph eight can suck my d*ck.
I don't even know what it says anyway.
Uh, your image rights
agreement with Streamberry.
It's page , paragraph eight.
Specifically covers any acts
or behaviors Joan may exhibit
up to, including, and beyond defecation.
Beyond defecation?
Beyond. That's what it says.
You know I don't read this crap.
I am a dyslexic, talented
actress with questionable English.
- That's why I overpay you to protect me.
- Okay.
I mean, doesn't my
assh*le have any rights?
- Okay. All right.
- [EXHALES] Okay, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's collect ourselves, and, uh...
Good.
... brainstorm so we can
do some damage control.
So, what can you do
to erase this image from
every machine in the world?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Nothing.
Okay.
Then I guess I'm just
gonna have to settle
for a huge lawsuit against them.
Um, I've looked up and
down and researched,
and there is no legal basis.
There's no way we can sue these guys.
Then I'm gonna sue you.
You sold me out.
You useless, overrated maggot.
You take your paragraph eight
and shove it up your ass!
And I hope that you get paper
cuts in your hemorrhoids and die!
You're fired!
- [DOORBELL RINGING]
- [SNORTS]
[CONFUSED MOAN]
What the f*ck?
I...
I didn't, uh, actually think
that you would come to...
Welcome to my home.
- I understand that you're mad.
- Oh, do you?
Please don't k*ll me, Salma Hayek.
You're lucky I'm a humanitarian.
Let's have a talk.
[INAUDIBLE] What the f*ck?
- Come on!
- Coming!
Oh my goodness me.
Oh my God.
Now it all makes sense.
Look at all this sh*t!
What's wrong with you, girl?
I mean, must you be so disgusting?
I mean, the last few days
have been pretty rough, so...
Rough enough to take a
dump in the house of God?
If you don't have any
self-respect, that's your thing.
But to disrespect the church,
and frankly, to disrespect my image...
- Mm-hmm.
- ... I don't wanna be associated with you.
Well, I don't wanna be
associated with me either.
They took my life. They turned
it into a CGI f*cking drama.
I lose my fiancé.
I lose my job.
They put my entire existence
out there for everyone to watch,
and you signed up to be the face of it.
You're a f*cking enabler.
I should be yelling at you.
- You are yelling at me.
- Well, I need to yell at someone!
Well, it's not fair that
you're taking it all out on me.
I am sorry that I shat in a church.
Okay?
But I was trying to get your attention
so that you'd get in
touch with Streamberry
and have them pull the plug on the show.
I already made that call.
- And?
- They told me to go f*ck myself.
They did?
Can you believe it?
So, you can't stop this?
I thought for once I was gonna
have control over my own image.
But those f*ckers lied about everything.
First, they told me this was
gonna be a prestige show, right?
Look, I didn't think it was
gonna be like my movie Frida,
but I couldn't imagine
that it was gonna be this.
And then they said that they
were closing the pay gap.
Bullshit!
They are paying me one-tenth of
what they're paying George Clooney.
Sorry, George Clooney
is gonna be in this show?
No, they're sticking his head on
a Thomas the t*nk Engine reboot.
Wait.
How much are they paying you?
Oh,
nothing.
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
- That is so f*cked up.
- Yeah.
Well, they're screwing us both.
Yeah.
I mean, how do you think Cate
Blanchett feels about this?
f*ck her.
This is the bad guy.
Mona Giovanni.
- [JOAN] Javadi.
- Whatever.
And the whole Strawberry machine.
It's Streamberry.
They have taken years of cinema
and diminished it to an app.
I wanna go and take that computer
and rip the cables out of it
and stick them up its ass.
Let's bring down the
system. The quamputer thing.
Oh yeah, let's.
Are you a hacker?
No, no, no, no, no. I
mean, like, physically.
So it says the server's
outside of Mona Javadi's office.
So we just get in there and f*cking...
- You know?
- Her office is all the way at the top.
We can't crawl on the side of
the building like Spider-Mans.
No, no, no, we don't have to.
'Cause you can just
walk in the front door.
We can't just do that.
You can because you're
Salma f*cking Hayek.
Thank you.
You're right.
Yeah.
I am Salma f*cking Hayek.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAYEK] Good morning.
Hi. Hello. Miss Hayek.
I have an appointment with Mona Javadi.
Of course. Let me just...
[SECRETARY] Uh, I can't, um...
It should be in the system. Please do...
Excuse me, is there
a restroom I can use?
Of course. Right over there.
I'm afraid that's too public.
Thanks to your show,
every time people see
me go into one of those,
all they can think about is hot
birria coming out of my bottom.
Of course.
Can we swipe Miss Hayek through?
There is a private restroom
down the corridor on the right.
Thank you.
And don't worry, I'm just gonna pee.
Okay.
Cool.
Thank you.
All right, just one
sec. Yeah. We're good.
- You rolling?
- Yeah.
Great.
- So, Miss Javadi.
- Mm.
A lot going on here at Streamberry.
Loads of heat around your new show.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- I know, right?
- Bet you've got a heap of questions.
- Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT, COUGHS]
- Lucy, I'm in the middle of an interview.
- I think it might be important.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yes?
Apparently, Salma Hayek's
downstairs asking to see you.
- Didn't we tell her to go f*ck herself?
- Maybe that's why.
Just get security to chuck her out.
Sorry, sorry. She's new.
- Yeah.
- Don't know how long she'll last.
Anyway, where were we?
- Joan Is Awful.
- Joan Is Awful.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR LOCK BEEPS]
- What are you wearing?
- It's a disguise.
Take it off. They're gonna
think you're kidnapping me.
Okay.
- Hurry up!
- Okay!
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Come on!
So, here at Streamberry,
we are passionate about creating
new forms of entertainment.
This whole floor is dedicated
to content generation R&D.
Experimental entertainment,
computer-generated material.
[INTERVIEWER] Like Joan Is Awful.
[MONA] Exactly.
Shut up, shut up.
[MONA] And that is made
by this, the quamputer,
which is actually just down
that corridor on the left.
[INTERVIEWER] A kind
of quantum computer.
Yeah, hence the name.
An infinite content creator
capable of willing entire
multiverses into existence, right?
And within those rendered worlds,
sh**ting, packaging, and
editing fully-edited programs
that would normally take
months to make, such as...
[INTERVIEWER] Joan Is Awful.
I wish they'd stop saying that.
- [MONA] Correct.
- [WHISPERS] I like the picture.
And the role Salma's depicting
is based on a real Joan, right?
Mm-hmm. Yep.
Why that particular woman?
What's so special about her?
Absolutely nothing.
We were looking for a totally
average, nobody person,
just... just to test the system.
The point is, Joan Is
Awful is just the beginning.
The aim here is to launch
unique, tailored content
to each individual in our
database, all million of them,
created on the fly by our system.
The most relatable content imaginable.
Actually, there's one for you.
I couldn't resist. Yeah.
This is actually real and will be
available to stream from Friday.
[UNCOMFORTABLE CHUCKLE]
Uh, why "awful"?
Why is it all so negative?
Yeah. No, that's a
great question, Fatima.
Um, we did try more affirmative
content in the test cell,
but we found that, um, our
subjects just didn't buy it.
It didn't chime with their
neurotic view of themselves.
What we found instead was when
we focused on their more weak
or selfish or craven moments,
it confirmed their innermost fears
and put them in a state
of mesmerized horror.
Which really drives engagement.
They literally can't look away.
Let's k*ll this quam-puta.
- [FATIMA] Wow. Great, thanks.
- [MONA] Did you get everything you need?
Okay. Where is she? Hi,
where is she? Where's Salma?
I let her go to the toilet.
How hard is it to find
someone? Most walls are glass.
Can you guys do something?
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WHISPERS] Is that it?
- It's locked.
There.
[DOOR OPENS]
[HAYEK] There it is.
Holy Christ! Hey, no
one's allowed in here!
I'm calling security!
If you call security,
I will break your arm.
Don't think I won't,
because I will, understood?
Yes, Miss Hayek.
[HAYEK] Okay.
How do we get in here?
[JOAN] What's that?
Joan Is Awful.
No, but that's me. That
should be her, right?
That's the variant of Joan Is
Awful that the Joan below you sees
when she watches the show.
What? The Joan below me?
You're not the original
Joan. That's Source Joan.
We need a code for this, Joan.
Wait, sh.
"Source Joan"?
Yeah, you're just a Joan.
Who's Source Joan?
The real Joan.
Look, there. Source Joan.
[JOAN] Source Joan?
I'm not the real Joan?
You're a version of Joan
played by a digital
likeness of Annie Murphy.
- Who's Annie Murphy?
- The actress.
There. Look familiar?
Schitt's Creek. No? Great show.
- You're playing an adaptation of Joan.
- No, no.
Look. Source Joan lives in reality.
When Source John watches
the TV show Joan Is Awful,
she sees you playing her.
That show is the fictive
level we're on right now, here.
- The fictive level?
- Yes, fictive level one.
Like I said, this is an
adaptation of Joan's life.
- You're in a show right now.
- I'm in a show right now?
Come on. Have you seen where you live?
Uh, who could afford a place
like that? It's a TV show house.
I mean, look at me. Michael
Cera licensed his face,
just like Annie Murphy licensed
her face to play Joan on level one,
and Salma Hayek licensed her
face to play Joan on level two
and to play herself here on level one.
[HAYEK] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not playing myself.
I am myself.
Yeah, but it tracks
that you believe that
because you're coded to
play yourself on this level.
- What?
- What?
We're not in reality right
now. This is fictive level one.
[HAYEK] If I'm not
here, then where am I?
I don't know where the real Miss
Hayek is. I don't have eyes on her.
She's probably in Zurich
or on a beach somewhere.
- I don't know where she is.
- Zurich?
This is not called
Salma Hayek Gets
Everything Explained To Her
But Doesn't Understand It Still.
- It's called Joan Is Awful. Her story.
- What the f*ck?
By which I mean the real her.
Not Annie Murphy, Source
Joan. The Joan that lives...
Oh, thank God!
He was so boring.
Jesus!
[EXHALES] Annie Murphy, you're my hero.
You guard the door.
I'm gonna k*ll that f*cking computer.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- She wasn't in the schedule.
- I know that. I was working...
S ? Check S .
Come on! Come on! Just
k*ll that quam-puta!
Okay, just wait a second. Wait a second.
So, inside this computer, there's
a version of you playing me
who thinks she's real?
- Yeah.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- They're coming! Do it! Do it!
- [MONA] Stop!
If you destroy that, you
destroy everybody inside
every fictive universe above this.
- You!
- Billions of simulated souls
who consider themselves
to be real will die.
Do you really want all
that blood on your hands?
I mean, define "blood" for me here.
Okay, this is a quantum computer,
right? We barely know how it works.
It's basically magic.
The reality we're in
will cease to exist.
- Would I die?
- Instantly.
Put the f*cking axe
down, Annie Murphy, now.
- [MONA] Listen to her. Do as you're told.
- [HAYEK] Put it down!
I can't.
Because the fact that I'm
standing here right now
means that Source Joan
already stood here in reality.
- It doesn't matter what I want...
- Get in.
... because the events that this
is based on have already happened.
It's not my decision.
- It's Joan's.
- [MONA] Okay.
- It's happening.
- All right, Joan.
- She's doing it. Joan's doing it.
- [MONA] Joan, put the axe down.
No! The quamputer!
Joan! f*cking Jesus!
[SCREAMS]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[PANTING]
[ALARM SOUNDING]
I think we're done. [LAUGHING]
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OFFICER] What's your name, please?
- Annie Murphy.
[OFFICER] Miss Murphy, what do you...
[THERAPIST] So, where are we at?
- Uh, I'm dating again.
- Mm-hmm.
Just taking it slow, you know.
And trying to make some time for myself.
Well, how does that make you feel?
It feels good, you know?
It feels good to be okay on your own.
[THERAPIST] And work?
Yeah. I mean, my job
is far less corporate.
But I'm my own boss.
I... I treat my staff well.
Uh, and I'm actually...
I'm actually proud of what I do. So...
- [THERAPIST] It's good to hear.
- Yeah, thanks.
So, maybe now, do you feel...
Yeah, uh, like the main
character in my own life?
[THERAPIST] Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I... I think I do.
[THERAPIST] And you
don't feel too confined?
- Oh, the house arrest?
- Mm-hmm.
You know, there's
good days and bad days.
I guess that's to be expected.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]
You're supposed to encourage me.
- What is that?
- Yeah, it's not good. I know.
[ANNIE] Hi, Joan.
Hi, Annie!
- How you doing?
- [JOAN] Good.
- The usual?
- The usual, please.
Okay.
- [ANNIE] Missed you.
- [JOAN] I missed you. How are you?
[ANNIE] I'm good.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC CONTINUES]
[AIR HORN BLARING]
Merry Christmas, one and all!
[GUESTS MURMURING]
[GROANING]
[GROANS]
Yeah, yeah.
[GUESTS GROANING IN DISGUST]
Sorry. I know. I know.
Get out! Get out!
[GUESTS SCREAMING]
Yeah. I'm sorry.