[LOW, THRUMMING RUMBLING]
[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS, FADES]
[WIND GUSTING]
[SONG OVER CAR STEREO]
♪ Everybody sees you ♪
♪ Everybody looks and stares ♪
♪ I'd just like to make you mine ♪
♪ All mine ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na now ♪
♪ Baby, give it up, give it up ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na now ♪
♪ Baby, give it up, give it up ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
- Hey, Mum.
- I was worried. It's almost six.
I took a detour after Luss
to show Pia the pretty way.
I slept through it. [LAUGHS] Hi.
[MAN] Pia, Mum. Mum, Pia.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
Janet.
- Pretty wee thing you've captured.
- [MAN] Mum!
Hey, I'm flattered. Thank you.
- I like your accent.
- [GASPS EXCITEDLY] Ditto.
What was that, love?
Ditto.
Uh, "ditto."
Oh! [LAUGHS]
So, did you grow up in America?
Or are you originally from...
Jesus, Mum!
US, born and bred. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
- [PIA CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[JANET] I hope you're both hungry.
- [PIA] Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- [MAN] Starving.
Who's the pianist?
Dad was.
- Is that him?
- [MAN] Aye. Kenneth.
"Kenny," Mum called him.
Is it creepy if I say he
looks good in that cap?
A bit. Yeah.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
["TWINKLE, TWINKLE,
LITTLE STAR" PLAYING]
[MAN] Tomorrow, we'll show
Pia around the village,
and then we'll probably
set off Monday morning.
- You're only staying two nights?
- Well, we've got to head on to Rùm.
To sh**t, uh, my film...
Our... our film.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Uh, about the rare egg guy.
So, that's what your documentary's
about? This egg collector from Rùm?
He's not a collector. He...
he guards rare eggs against
collectors who want to steal them.
It's, uh, it's a big trade.
The way I see it, this
is going to be a story
about one of the last remaining holdouts
against the commodification of nature.
Not about a man who watches eggs?
Well, yeah, but it...
He's like a vigilante.
A guardian angel.
Egg theft is illegal,
but the local cops aren't
interested, or they're too lazy.
I mean... [CHUCKLES]
Maybe if someone who looked
like me were stealing the eggs...
They're probably just overstretched.
Policing's a very demanding job.
As your dad knew.
- Mm.
- Yeah. I mean...
Yeah.
[PIA] I saw that photo
of him in uniform,
and minutes later, I'm
sh*t-mouthing the cops? Like...
- [EXHALES]
- [MAN SPITS]
[PIA GROANS IN FRUSTRATION]
She hates me.
- No, she doesn't. She likes you.
- She said that?
It's just, anything with Dad...
She's sensitive. She misses him.
Well, of course. I mean, you must too.
In theory.
Sort of do.
I was eight when he d*ed,
so most of my life, he's
just been a few photographs.
[PIA] Mm.
He was ill quite a while before he d*ed.
Uh, needed a lot of caring, you know.
I think that really took it out of Mum.
Whole place was a lot
quieter from then on.
Seriously, are you hard right now?
I am.
That is...
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
... totally inappropriate.
- I'm so, so sorry.
- [LAUGHS]
Does that thing work?
Uh, last time I checked.
[GASPS] No tape. Boo.
- What were you gonna film with it?
- Here. Watch.
[MOANS SOFTLY]
[MUFFLED MOAN]
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
[MUFFLED MOANING]
[MUFFLED MOAN]
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
[PIA SIGHS]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[MAN] You okay? Good to go?
What's "Burgerack"?
[CHUCKLES] Bergerac. Old detective show.
Your folks were seriously into it.
That's a whole lot of Bergerac.
Uh, Mum had a crush on John Nettles.
The... the guy who played Bergerac.
She used to say he had a nice bum.
I do not wanna think about your mom
getting wet over some dude's butt.
[JANET] Well, he did have a nice one.
You heading out?
[MAN] Just taking Pia to the loch.
[JANET] Might get windy. I can
fill you a thermos with some tea.
- It's no bother, Mum.
- Well...
Have a nice time.
[MAN CHUCKLES]
- It's okay.
- We should leave now.
[PIA] It's like
something from a painting.
[MAN] That's because
people paint landscapes.
I mean, this place is amazing.
I can't believe it's so empty.
We're the only ones here. It's weird.
[MUSIC OVER STEREO PLAYING SOFTLY]
Davis McCardle.
I told you never to show
your face in here again.
You can walk right
back out that door now!
Hello, Stuart.
How are you doing, you f*cking wank?
Hey! What the f*ck
is with that hair, eh?
You gonna tell me your pronouns?
I just let it grow a bit. You know?
I thought you were in London,
studying woke film theory,
or whatever you call it.
Someday, this guy will
be polishing BAFTAs
and forgetting about us poor wee
shites he used to cut about with.
Years ago, Stuart made a
model for my short video.
A spaceship.
- Yeah, a Solaris tribute.
- With a working engine.
[DAVIS] You get the picture.
Said if he ended up
making the next Star Wars,
I'd help out with the special
effects, but he's, uh...
he's turned his back on us old
gadgies now he's down the big town, eh?
- See, he's not even introducing you to me.
- Oh, sorry.
This is Pia.
- She was in my film course as well.
- Oh!
- Oh, your course, was it?
- No.
He thinks they're gonna
name it after him someday.
Well, I thought they were
gonna name it after me, so...
Yes, well, that would
be the smart move, eh?
What with f*cking
diversity and all that.
Uh, three pints on the house. No charge.
Crisps all around?
It's a shame he's dragged you out
of London up to this ghost town, eh?
All the holiday atmosphere of a hospice.
You're still in business.
Skin of the teeth, man. Look around.
We are on our arse.
I keep telling Dad if
things don't pick up,
we'll just have to bite the
b*llet and jack it f*cking in.
Speak of the c**t.
- What are you doing?
- Well, I sh... I should say hello.
No, no, don't bother.
That'll be his fifth refill today.
The only reason he comes
downstairs these days.
Christ.
Oh, there he goes.
Up to his pit.
Is he... is he depressed, or...
[STUART] Of course he's depressed.
There used to be three pubs around here.
And now we're the last
man standing. It's a...
it's a proper dead zone.
I don't get it. It's so
beautiful around here. I...
How are you not overrun with tourists?
'Cause of Iain Adair.
Who is Iain Adair?
- You didn't tell her about Iain Adair?
- [SCOFFS] Come on.
- It's... it's a bit...
- Who is Iain Adair?
Okay, okay, fine. So...
[EXHALES] Iain Adair
was a guy who lived up
at Five Acres Farm on the hill there
with his mum and dad.
People said he was quiet, easily led,
not too bright. All of that, you know?
But really, he was just some local guy.
- Anyway...
- Turned out he tortured and k*lled people.
I was building up to that.
I haven't got your storytelling
instincts. You tell it.
- No, you spoiled it now.
- No, not the end bit with your dad.
- What end bit with your dad?
- Can I just start from the beginning?
Yeah, just pretend you don't
know the m*rder stuff yet.
- Sure.
- [DAVIS] Okay.
So,
picture it.
[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING]
[DAVIS] There used to be
loads of holidaymakers here.
Loads of them.
In , this couple in their twenties
hire a cottage for their honeymoon.
[STUART] Back when
we still had tourists.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHS] Sorry.
- [DAVIS] They were here for about a week.
- [GIRL] Mr. Smiley.
[DAVIS] Loads of people saw them.
Dad said they drank in
here a couple of nights.
[ECHOING CLINK]
[DAVIS] Come the end of the week,
they're supposed to have left.
The cleaner comes to get their
cottage ready for the next booking.
Their car's parked outside.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC CONTINUES]
And all their stuff's still there.
No sign of them. Gone.
- Creepy.
- Very creepy.
- So, of course, Dad gets called in.
- His dad was a local policeman.
- Aye, she knows that.
- Oh. Okay, sorry.
[DAVIS] So, Dad's asking
around, right? Knocking on doors.
This couple is nowhere to be found.
Vanished off the face of
the earth and all that.
[POLICE SIREN BLARING]
After a day or two,
it becomes a big story.
[STUART] Mm.
[DAVIS] Tabloids pick it up.
Place is swarming with
journalists. It's a frenzy.
But then weeks go by, and
there's no sign of them. Nothing.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC FADES]
And then Princess Diana d*ed. You know?
Papers moved onto that.
Story fizzles out. Finished.
Until one day...
One night.
Mm.
Iain Adair's drinking in here.
- In here?
- He drank in here all the time.
- Always sat right there.
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[DAVIS] Anyway, this night,
he's had way more than usual.
People say he's talking weird.
He's making a nuisance of himself.
There's a poster of the
missing couple on the wall.
He even makes comments about
the girl. And your dad...
Yeah, the auld pissheid,
he tells Iain he's barred.
Iain tells him to f*ck off.
Says he's got half a mind to
come back and sh**t the place up.
[PIA] Nice.
Dad's worried now 'cause Iain's
a farmer. He's got a shotgun.
So, Dad asks Kenneth, his dad,
to go and check in on
Iain, have a word with him.
- So then Dad...
- His dad, Kenneth.
- Of course it's my dad.
- Sorry.
[DAVIS] Dad drives up to Five Acres.
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Knocks on the door.
Says, "I just wanna talk to you," etc.
Iain doesn't answer.
Dad's walking back to his car
when Iain opens the
upstairs window and...
sh**t him.
Sorry. He sh*t your dad?
- Yeah.
- [STUART] Mm-hmm.
- Not fatally, in the shoulder. Bad though.
- Holy sh*t.
So Dad, crawling back to
his car, calls for backup,
when, from inside the house...
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Then nothing.
Backup arrives.
They go in.
Iain Adair sh*t his mum
and dad, then himself.
Total wipeout.
- Farmicide.
- [DAVIS] Mm.
While they're looking around the farm,
they check out the cellar.
Oh God.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DAVIS] Behind a wardrobe, there's
a hidden door leading to a bunker.
- Old WWII, or 's, or something.
- Here we go.
[DAVIS] And inside,
it's like a t*rture room.
This guy had been abducting people.
Keeping them down there and doing
God knows what for weeks at a time.
And then burying the
bodies out in the fields.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
- The honeymoon couple?
- [CHUCKLES]
- f*ck me, and the rest of them.
- The rest?
[DAVIS] Around here, the
countryside can be pretty dangerous.
There's deep water
and all that, you know?
Sometimes, people went missing.
Walker takes a wrong turn, you know?
Someone rents a kayak
and doesn't come back.
Over the years, nobody was
really totting it all up.
- How many we talking about?
- Eight.
[PIA] Oh.
All been tortured.
And the rest of it. Dark sex
things. Really extreme stuff.
- [DAVIS] Yeah. Okay.
- It'd give you nightmares.
So... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Yeah, that was Iain Adair.
That is a lot.
- [DAVIS] Mm-hmm.
- [STUART] Mm.
And as you can imagine, it
doesn't look great on TripAdvisor.
End result?
f*ck-all visitors.
- Didn't just sh*t in his victims' mouths.
- Don't know he did that.
He shat on the tourist trade too.
But your dad, he recovered.
- I mean...
- Well, his injuries weren't that bad.
- He was in hospital a couple of weeks.
- [PIA] Right.
But while he was in there, he got MRSA.
And that k*lled him over time.
So, far as Mum's concerned,
Iain Adair k*lled Dad too.
[STUART] Well...
- She's not wrong.
- Aye.
[SIGHS]
- [STUART] Another pint?
- Aye. [LAUGHS]
Magda!
Three pints.
[LIQUID POURING]
Can we go see where it happened?
[GLASSES CLATTER]
[PIA] It's perfect.
You don't see it?
- See what?
- Can we get in there?
No. It's boarded up. There's planks.
Why would we wanna get in there?
Because. This is what
our film should be about.
All of this.
What? This?
Wha...
Quaint little village,
but for years, this Hannibal Lecter dude
has been operating a death den?
At the heart of it?
I mean, it's a story.
- It's an actual story.
- Are you serious?
- Well, yeah.
- But...
- We're meeting the egg guy on Wednesday.
- f*ck the egg guy. I'm sorry. Come on.
Come on! [SCOFFS]
You said you liked the egg idea.
Oh, babe.
I kinda liked it.
Just like I kinda like plain
pasta in a pinch. But I love this.
I love it!
So, um...
A... a true crime film about Iain Adair?
[PIA] We can pitch to production
companies, who will fund it.
I had a meeting with Kate Cezar
at Historik. She might go for this.
- People know the story.
- I didn't.
I mean, it's not a
whodunit. There's no mystery.
Are you nuts? [SCOFFS]
The mystery is, "How could
someone do that sh*t?"
It's "What the f*ck?"
It's "Give me the details."
And the details are so
awful, it is irresistible.
- Sounds tacky.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
We won't let it be.
It'll be a... a solid piece.
Well-made, high-end.
And it's exploring the
biggest topic, life and death.
It's just not the kind of
thing I want us to make. Okay?
Well, then, what do you want to make?
A meditation on the Egg Man of Rùm
that will maybe play at a festival
and maybe be admired by a
couple dozen documentary nerds?
Or something that people will watch?
Something they actually want to see!
If you don't wanna make it, I will.
Iain Adair sh*t my dad.
He d*ed, Pia. [SCOFFS]
He f*cking d*ed.
- That's real. That's not f*cking content.
- Of course. That's not what I meant.
It'd dredge up so much sh*t
for Mum. She lost her husband.
Okay, okay, and we can
make that point. Her point.
He was a victim too.
You said that he's been
forgotten in all of this.
[PIA] It was so good. Thank you.
Did you not like the dauphinoise?
Uh, I just try to limit my carbs.
But what I had was delicious.
Oh.
Good.
[PIA] We would do it justice.
It would feel and look professional.
Babe.
It's a brilliant idea.
Visual showcase. Bring
the tourists back.
What was the name of that Netflix thing?
About the guy that k*lled women?
Maybe narrow that down.
One of them, he ate her
own eye in front of her.
The Waltonville Claw.
So, half this show was just
amazing, constant footage
of Waltonville, forests and mountains,
f*cking waterfalls!
Looked like a brochure.
Yeah, my cousin actually booked
a holiday just off how it looked.
[PIA] Hm.
He said the place was f*cking
heaving when he got there.
c**ts get a load of this place
on their K f*cking flat screens
and they will be crawling all
over us like flies on dog shite,
but with money.
I've even got a drone you can use.
- Opening sh*t.
- Moody piano chord. I love it.
- Of course you've got a drone.
- Of course you're a c**t about it.
Ah!
I've got something even better.
Wait there.
Hang on.
[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING]
- Okay.
- Yes!
[STUART] This is my mum's curiosity box.
She was f*cking obsessed with
the whole thing. Obsessed.
My dad f*cking hated it.
This is a whole archive.
[STUART] I'd call it a
morbidly obsessive collection.
[PIA] Man, he looks creepy.
It's not every day one of your regulars
turns out to be Vlad
the f*cking Impaler.
- She was bound to want a souvenir.
- Will she mind if we borrow it?
She won't give a f*ck. She's
been dead for four years.
[DAVIS] We can hook this up.
Mum's Stone Age VCR.
Yeah. Ooh!
It's got a tape in it.
[VCR WHIRRING]
[MUSIC, STATIC PLAY]
[DAVIS] Mm.
Of course. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, that's your mom's boyfriend.
- Show us his butt.
- [DAVIS] I think that's enough of that.
[TAPE STOPS PLAYING]
Pass us one of Stu's tapes.
Should we dive in?
[REPORTER ON VIDEO] It's four
days since Dawn and Simon Challis
were last seen alive
in the tourist hotspot of Loch Henry,
the holiday cottage they'd
rented left eerily abandoned.
Yet, despite extensive
searches of the local area...
That's Dad!
still no sign of the missing couple.
Locals are mystified.
- It all seems quite odd.
- [DAVIS] That's Stuart's dad.
Everybody's worried.
I mean, Dawn, the missing
girl, is very attractive, so...
Objectified much?
- Everybody's hoping they'll be okay.
- Jeez.
[STUART'S DAD] You should've asked.
About what?
All that
stuff of your mum's that
you gave to Janet's boy
- for his film or whatever.
- Ah, keep your blouse on. You'll get it back.
- Shouldn't be making movies about it.
- f*ck me, movies.
Christ.
[DOOR OPENS]
["PEOPLE IN THE FRONT
ROW" BY MELANIE PLAYING]
Whoa.
Sorry. Sorry.
- [PIA] A bit close, babe.
- No, it's okay.
[PIA] Davis!
[DAVIS] Yes!
♪ I was outta love and outta my heart ♪
♪ I couldn't quite stop
something that I didn't start ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, the critics said no ♪
♪ I didn't know how it
came so I couldn't go ♪
[SINGER VOCALIZING]
♪ I was third on the bill
of a second-rate show ♪
♪ The audience asked me
why but I didn't know ♪
♪ Ho-ho, my predicament grew ♪
♪ But now I got friends and I
think that my friends are you ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[SINGER VOCALIZING]
A discovery so grim, it
was almost beyond belief.
Whoa!
♪ You know, I looked
around for faces I'd know ♪
♪ I fell in love with the
people in the front row... ♪
- He's kind of hot, I'm not gonna lie.
- He's kind of hot?
♪ Now I got friends and I
think my friends are you... ♪
You get the name of the pub in?
- Stuart, mic, mic. Wait, wait, stop!
- Wait!
♪ You can put me here,
and I'm all yours ♪
♪ Not for the money and
it's not for the applause ♪
♪ No, oh no, no, no ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ This progression is usually sad ♪
♪ But it felt my sorrow and I
wanted it to feel me glad... ♪
Love it. Love it! Love to see it. Save.
[SINGER VOCALIZING]
[SINGER VOCALIZING CONTINUES]
[MUSIC ENDS]
sh*t at the cops.
sh*t his parents. sh*t himself.
But, of course, that was
just scratching the surface.
What they found underneath
his farmhouse was even worse.
f*cking horrible.
Okay. Uh, can we just go
back to the part where you...
- [CLATTERING]
- [DISTANT GROAN]
What the f*ck was that?
- Probably broken. Stop touching it!
- Ambulance is on the way.
- You'll be all right, Mr. King.
- f*ck off me! You f*ck off, you parasite!
You f*cking insect!
Why dig around? It's done. [GROANS]
It was a thing that f*cking happened,
and you're here f*cking
pulling it all up.
And for what, eh?
For what? You want a f*cking
award? A pat on the back?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Ignore him. He's off his heid.
- I'll wait outside for the ambulance.
- Off you go. I can handle this prick.
[STUART'S DAD GRUNTS]
What's your f*cking problem?
[GROANS]
Iain Adair was an
arsehole. Can I say that?
[PIA] A term like "sadist"
is probably better.
[STUART] Right.
- Well, he was a sadist. That's for sure.
- You okay?
- [STUART] An Olympic-level...
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
... c**t-apathic mad man.
[DOOR OPENS]
Just thinking, if you're
staying on for a few days,
I could do my shepherd's pie.
But, Pia, I'm not sure if you eat meat.
I do meat.
[INAUDIBLE] Okay.
[DAVIS] Anything else, Mum?
No, no. I can see you're very busy.
That's Stuart.
Richard's boy.
Aye.
What is it you're working on?
We're doing a documentary
about what... happened.
Iain Adair and all that.
Not about your man and the eggs?
Uh, no.
You'll explain what
he did to your father?
- Only if you want us to.
- Oh, I want you to.
People should know.
Everyone should know.
My Kenny d*ed because of that man.
If Iain Adair was still alive,
I'd wring his neck myself
with these hands. I would.
We were happy before he broke it all.
Ruined it all.
Such a stupid man.
Just the waste of it.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Mum.
If there's anything you
want me to help with,
just ask.
- Yeah?
- [PIA] Clap.
There we go.
Do I need to do that too?
Oh, no. You're okay.
I'll... I'll ask questions, and
you just answer as yourself. As you.
[JANET] As me?
[DAVIS] Uh,
just talk loosely about the case.
[JANET] Loosely? Like, relaxed?
[DAVIS] No.
Been years since I was in front
of any kind of camera at all.
Last time would've been
that old one your dad had.
- But your dad never had all this stuff.
- He wasn't filming for broadcast, Mum.
Can you imagine? [CHUCKLES]
[PIA] So, what do you think?
[WOMAN] Well, it's a fascinating case.
Iain Adair, I mean, I'd heard of him.
But he's not as well-known
as a Ted Bundy or a Fred West.
So... [EXHALES] ... if
we take this anywhere,
the first question any platform,
network, whatever, is gonna ask is,
"What's the hook?"
What's the context?
There is a personal angle. I mean,
his dad was one of the victims.
Uh, yeah. He... he was a
policeman. He was sh*t at the farm.
So, he was m*rder*d?
He d*ed later.
Of his injuries or...
Not directly, but...
but... but basically, yeah.
[PIA] But he was one of the victims.
- [DAVIS] Mm.
- This gives him a voice.
And, you know, that's important
to me, you know, as a...
as a son.
[WOMAN] I think definitely
explore the personal angle,
see what there is in it.
But, um, can you get
hold of any new material?
Police interviews,
diaries, that kind of thing.
We can look into those.
Something unseen, unheard,
unexplored is what you need.
What about the house
itself and the dungeon?
- It's still there.
- And you have access?
Yes.
Absolutely.
So, how come you're
using this old thing?
Uh, the police forensics
sh*t on tape back then.
[PIA] Plus, old tech, cool
analog horror atmosphere.
- [STUART] Proper Blair Witch.
- [DAVIS, PIA CHUCKLE]
Could you do that a bit more quietly?
Aye, I'll put the
crowbar on whisper mode.
Okay.
[PIA] Oh my God.
Okay.
♪ Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are you? ♪
- [PIA] This is not recording.
- [DAVIS] Uh...
Ah, uh, yeah. Tab's punched out.
It stops people recording over it.
- Open up.
- We're taping over Bergerac?
[DAVIS LAUGHS]
- Mum won't notice.
- Let's hope not.
- [STUART] Boo!
- [PIA, DAVIS EXCLAIM]
[DAVIS] Jesus Christ.
[STUART, PIA LAUGH]
[DAVIS] Oh!
[WHEEZING LAUGHTER]
I found the door to f*cking hell.
[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]
[PIA] I'll get a light up.
Is that your stage-blood mix?
That is still in the
bag. This is lemon juice.
- Uh, what's that for?
- [STUART] Shows up under black light.
- Like piss and blood and spunk and...
- [DAVIS] Okay, okay, okay.
I'll just drip a wee bit down here
like Adair jizzed while
slitting someone's throat.
f*cking hell, Stuart.
[STUART] Lights off, please.
And then...
[DAVIS, PIA GROAN]
[STUART] f*cking hell.
[STUART EXHALES]
[PIA GROANS]
[STUART] I, uh...
don't think we need the lemon juice.
Jesus Christ.
All right, let's get to work.
That was f*cking creepy.
[STUART LAUGHS]
Feel like I've had spiders
crawling over my brain.
Have you never been in a death
dungeon? No, I find it quite relaxing.
[CHUCKLES]
That might be a tourist
draw in itself, actually.
Good luck advertising that.
[STUART LAUGHS]
"Come spend the night in the dungeon."
[MELODY OF "IN THE NAVY"]
♪ In the dungeon ♪
♪ You'll suffer sex atrocities ♪
♪ In the dungeon ♪
♪ He'll have you weeping on your knees ♪
♪ In the dungeon ♪
[DAVIS] ♪ He'll tie your
hands behind your back ♪
[PIA, STUART] ♪ In the dungeon ♪
♪ And shove a bottle up your cr*ck ♪
♪ In the dungeon ♪
♪ He'll break your elbows with a rock ♪
♪ In the dungeon ♪
♪ And glue sultanas to your cock ♪
- What?
- What?
It's the kind of weird
sex thing he probably did.
No, no, gluing sultanas to someone's
cock is not a plausible kink...
Look out!
[CLATTERING]
[DAVIS] I'm sorry.
[PIA] For what?
For not looking where I was going.
[DOCTOR] You're likely still concussed,
so we have to keep
you in for observation.
Be on the safe side.
[JANET] She knows her stuff.
Look at her. She's a doctor.
[DOCTOR CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Davis's driving, eh?
And you and me both
been in the f*cking wars.
You're the lucky one, no?
No w*nk*ng for me for a month.
Least you can draw that curtain round
and tug yourself into a coma, eh?
[STUART LAUGHS]
Right. Sparkling conversation as
always, Dad. Get well soon, eh?
- Aye, son.
- Uh-huh.
Any chance of a lift home?
Of course.
You rest up.
- Bye, now.
- [DAVIS] Bye.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
[JANET] I'll put that shepherd's pie on.
- Just for us girls.
- It's fine. I have stuff to digitize.
- I can just...
- You need to eat, dear.
Honestly, it's no fuss.
Thank you.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
[PIA ON VIDEO] I'm
gonna start from here,
and then you guys just stand around
and look like you're examining stuff.
- Good?
- [DAVIS] Yeah.
[STUART] All right, okay, fine.
And I've seen CSI, so...
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
[PIA ON VIDEO] I'm gonna
come over your shoulder here.
Yeah, that looks good.
Maybe could you guys, like, um,
cross each other's frame a little bit
so you look busy, like
maybe there's more people?
[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROANS]
[HUMMING]
[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]
Mr. King?
[STUART ON VIDEO] It's freezing in here.
[DAVIS] Real forensics
people don't moan about
the cold while they work, do they?
- [PIA] Yeah, that's good. Thank you.
- [STUART] Of course.
Sorry, uh...
What do you want?
You have to stop your film.
Why?
I don't have any proof.
[MENACING MUSIC CONTINUES]
Of what?
I think I've always known.
Known what?
[PIA ON VIDEO] Great. All
right, that should do it.
[BERGERAC THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[MOANS SOFTLY]
[MAN ON VIDEO] And Bergerac
returns at the same time
next week on UK Gold.
Up next, trouble for Jacko...
[STATIC]
[MAN ON VIDEO] All right.
Okay, is this thing on?
Ah, Iain.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah. What day we on now, Iain?
- Iain?
- [IAIN] I believe it's day nine.
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
[DAWN WHIMPERING ON VIDEO]
[MAN] Can you take this over?
Hurry up.
Okay, as you can see, our guests
are still delighted to be here.
- Aren't they?
- [IAIN] Aye, Kenny. Over the moon.
[KENNETH] And it's a big treat today
because the mistress is gonna
have fun with the both of you.
- How does that sound?
- [IAIN] Does that sound like fun?
- [KENNETH LAUGHING]
- [DAWN WHIMPERING, CRYING]
[IAIN] Aye, Kenny.
You can come on in, Janet.
- ♪ I slam the door ♪
- ♪ Boom ♪
- ♪ When I come into the bedroom ♪
- ♪ Wham, bam ♪
- ♪ 'Cause I'm the king of the castle ♪
- ♪ Na-na-na ♪
- ♪ Turn me on, turn me loose ♪
- ♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Try to hit it, it's a hassle ♪
♪ Come get some of this ♪
♪ Don't forget the innuendo ♪
♪ Play me like Nintendo ♪
♪ Never ever let go ♪
♪ Keep it so loud you'll
be hittin' the crescendo ♪
♪ Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do... ♪
[SIMON WHIMPERING]
- [DRILL WHIRRING]
- [DAWN SCREAMING]
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[SIMON, DAWN SCREAMING]
[JANET] Shepherd's pie.
- [DOOR OPENS] - [PIA NERVOUSLY] Mm-hmm.
Shepherd's pie. It's ready.
Right.
I'll plate up.
[FOOTSTEPS RETREATING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]
Ken gave me that.
We had such fun together.
- Everything all right?
- Yes. I need the bathroom.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[NO SERVICE BEEP]
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
- [NO SERVICE BEEP]
- f*ck.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [GASPS]
- Are you sure you're okay, dear?
I'm just stepping out.
Out? Right now?
Yes, I just feel cooped up.
A little walk. Clear my head.
Are you sure everything's all right?
I'm fine, really. I...
I won't be a minute.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[VCR WHIRRING]
[VCR CLICKS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[NO SERVICE BEEP]
[NO SERVICE BEEP]
[NO SERVICE BEEP]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHIMPERS]
sh*t. Come on. Come on.
[NO SERVICE BEEP]
Maybe the crash gave you a shock, dear.
- You'll catch cold out here.
- I'm fine.
- You should get in.
- No!
Get in the car!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAR REVERSING]
You come back now!
[PANTING]
I won't hurt you!
[GASPS]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
No.
c**t!
f*ck!
c**t! c**t!
f*ck! c**t! c**t! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!
f*ck!
[GRUNTS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES]
[CHOKING GRUNT]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
[MAN] So, tell us about
the film you were making.
[HIGH-PITCHED NOTE PLAYS]
[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]
[DAVIS] Pia. [LAUGHS]
Oh, lovely.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[REPORTER ] It's four days
since Dawn and Simon Challis
were last seen alive
in the tourist hotspot of Loch Henry.
[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]
[JANET] Been years since I was in
front of any kind of camera at all.
[KENNETH] You can come in now, Janet.
- [DAWN SCREAMS]
- [KENNETH LAUGHS]
- [SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DAWN] Sorry.
[SINISTER MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [DRILL WHIRRING]
- [DAWN, SIMON WHIMPERING]
[RICHARD] Years ago, I spent
a night with Kenny and Janet
and got carried away into adult stuff.
You know, sex games.
I was married.
The way they behaved that
night, the whole experience,
made me think that maybe
Iain Adair hadn't acted alone.
[REPORTER ] Police have
announced shocking new discoveries
about the notorious Loch
Henry murders of the s.
[REPORTER ] For years, it was
thought Iain Adair acted alone.
In fact, he'd been under the guidance
of local officer Kenneth McCardle
and his wife, Janet.
[REPORTER ] McCardle
sh*t the Adairs dead,
deliberately wounding himself to
cover up his role in the slaughter.
[REPORTER ] The woman
who hid the secret
of her and her husband's part
in the crimes k*lled herself...
[REPORTER ] ... after leaving
recordings of the murders
where her son would find them.
[SOBS]
[CRYING]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[TENSE MUSIC SWELLS]
But your dad never had all this stuff.
[DAVIS] He wasn't filming
for broadcast, Mum.
Can you imagine?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES]
[ANNOUNCER] And so, to honor
this year's documentaries,
please welcome Kirsty Wark.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, quiet down! This
is us. This is the bit.
The nominees for best
factual series are...
Suffer The Children: The
Tipley Pedophile Ring.
Loch Henry: Truth Will Out.
Yes!
[KIRSTY ON TV] Euthanasia:
Inside Project Junipero.
And the BAFTA goes to...
Loch Henry.
[SCREAMS] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Come on!
Yes!
Also, our fabulous
post-house, Cart Before Horse.
And, of course, the most
important person on the stage,
who allowed us to tell his story.
I'd like to dedicate this
award to Davis McCardle
and to his late girlfriend, Pia.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
Ugh. There's that actress from that
comedy about the bipolar single mum
who f*cking cries all the time.
Tell us a joke, love. [CHUCKLES]
sh*t, she's coming over.
Can I just say, I love you.
And your show was sublime.
Oh, thank you.
Um, are you the Loch Henry guy?
Oh my God.
I am not worthy.
Such an incredible piece of work.
Thank you.
Kate Cezar, Historik.
We are actually developing a
drama based on the whole thing.
- [ACTRESS] Okay.
- [KATE] We will be looking for a Pia.
- [KATE] That's all I'm saying.
- [ACTRESS] Wow, that is interesting.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[PHONE BUZZING]
[STUART CHUCKLES]
Well done, you bastard!
It's the red carpet for you, eh?
We've been booked up for weeks,
pal. Listen to how packed it is.
Seriously, I just want to say...
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]
["ULTRAVIOLET" BY GEORGE
FITZGERALD PLAYING]
[MUSIC FADES]