07x24 - The Magician's Code, Part 2

[bunniefuu]

The Magician's Code, pt2

Original Air Date on May 14, 2012

(exhales)

All: Boo!

(screams)

Narrator: Which brings us to the story of a wedding day that went horribly wrong.

Ted, the bride wants to see you.

Uncle Barney was getting married.

How the hell did we get there?

I love the name Marvin.

Marv.

Sounds like a little middle-aged man.

(chuckling)

Golf next weekend, Marv?

How's that tax report coming, Marv?

At your age, erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of, Marv.

It was a beautiful moment.

But then a thought popped into my head, kids.

The same thought that will pop

into your heads the first time you see your best friend holding their baby.

(staple g*n clicks)

Wonder how much this would hurt.

(chuckles)

(staple g*n clicks)

(screaming)

That guy's a dad.

(screaming)

(baby crying)

Oh, I think he's hungry.

Oh, we'll give you some privacy.

Wow. Seeing them in there all together like that, they're a family, you know?

That's what I want.

Oh, Ted, I'm glad we're friends again.

Me, too.

Because as your friend, I have to tell you: You're full of crap!

You say you want a family, you say you want to meet "The One," but you are always chasing the wrong women.

That is not true.

Look at the women you date, starting with me: I told you right away I didn't want marriage or kids.

Stella had a child with another man who she still loved.

Zoey was married and trying to sabotage your career and wore a lot of stupid hats.

If you really wanted a family, you would stop pursuing women you know that there is no future with.

Okay, first of all, hats were in that year, kind of.

Secondly, I don't always choose women there's no future with, kind of.

Name one exception.

Victoria.

Ted: Victoria was great.

Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass. (scoffs)

You mean you? Thank you!

Victoria is the only woman you've dated who could've been "The One."

You should call her.

Tiny thing, last time I saw her, she was getting engaged.

That was eight months ago.

For all you know, she's single again.

What if she's married?

What if she's not?

Then you would actually have a chance to get what you say you want, and it terrifies you.

Why? Because if I stole a scalpel and I cut you open, all I would find inside is a scared, trembling pile of crap.

See, I've missed these talks.

Oh, me, too.

Yeah. Whoa.

What's wrong?

(sighs)

I ruined things with Quinn.

I insisted she stop stripping, we got in a huge fight about it, then I ran off to Atlantic City for two days without calling.

What the hell am I coming home to?

Let's have an eight-way with my six hottest stripper friends.

Um, how is that a punishment?

Wait for it.

But I forbid you from filming it with your overhead camera that zooms in on whoever's being the loudest.

Nooooo!

(shudders)

No, that's too cruel.

Or, you know, maybe Quinn's moved out.

I didn't even think of that!

(sighs)

Hi.

Welcome home.

I decided the place was a bit too "American Psycho" for me, so while you were gone, I hired a decorator and I asked him, "What would the inside of Tinkerbell's vag*na look like?"

And the kid just ran with it!

So... what do you think?

Thank God you're still here!

Welcome home.

Narrator: Lily and Marshall asked Robin to be the photographer for Baby Marvin's Birth Announcement card instead of me.

Whatever.

The only problem?

(camera snapping)

These are terrible, Robin!

Hey, it is not easy getting a good sh*t cooped up in this apartment!

See, two different styles: I make compositions, Robin makes excuses.

Click!

Photo burn!

Okay. How about this?

Tomorrow, we go to Central Park at sunset and we get the perfect picture in the perfect setting.

Oh, I like that.

It'll be Marvin's first outing into the world.

You're gonna love the park, buddy.

It's a great place to meet chicks.

Or-or dudes.

Or both.

Oh, we love you no matter what!

Narrator: And kids, as I watched your Aunt Lily hold her baby boy, another thought popped into my head.

Even though you didn't buy anything, I want to thank you for coming in.

Here's a free teddy bear.

What are you gonna name the little guy?

Six Pack.

g*n it, b*tches!

(engine revs)

Narrator: That girl's a mom!

(engine revving)

(phone chimes)

Okay, so I met this girl on the train, and I texted her, "What's up""

She texted, "Hey," exclamation point.

Does that mean, "Ask me out" or "Just..."

Ted, we are responsible for a whole other human life now, so new rule: You can't come to us with any issue unless it's an "8" or higher.

Got it.

So I'm thinking of texting back a winky smiley face.

Eight or higher, bro.

Well, no, what should I--

Eight or higher, bro.

No, yeah, I'm just wondering if--

Eight or higher, bro.

Well, where do you rate this?

This is the same as what's in little Marvin's pants right now: a soft two.

Sorry, bro.

Stop texting the bimbo and call Victoria.

That chapter's over.

W-We just weren't destined to be together. "Destined." Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted?

Isn't it time to make your own destiny?

Hey, false alarm.

What I was smelling was the previous poop, which, apparently, is still somewhere on my clothes and/or in my hair.

Hold him, would you? Oh. Here.

Ooh. Yeah, smart.

(shutter clicking)

Oh, sure, that one turns out great. Ugh.

Narrator: And then another thought popped

into my head: That guy's nowhere near being a dad.

(line ringing)

VICTORIA: Hello?

Hey, Victoria, it's Ted.

Um, listen, I was just wondering if you wanted to catch up sometime; it's been a while.

That sounds nice.

I'm actually around this afternoon.

Oh, wow, uh, great.

MacLaren's at 2:00?

Is 1:30 okay?

I might have a thing later.

Yeah. Yeah. See you then.

See you then.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Barney and Quinn were off to Hawaii for their first getaway as a couple.

Ma'am, I need you to open your suitcase.

(sighing): It's mine.

Did you have to replace my luggage, too?

Run away on me again, you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.

What's that?

Yeah, what is that?

It's a magic trick.

You see, I'm something of a magician.

Open the box, sir.

(laughing): Oh, I can't do that.

(barking)

Sir, are there dr*gs in that box?

Oh, no. He's probably just barking because of the expl*sives.

(gasps)

Oh, my God!

Tell us what's in the box right now!

I can't.

Magician's Code.

Ted: Okay, I need to figure out if Victoria ever got engaged.

I'll have to very subtly check for an engagement ring.

Hmm, can't see the left hand.

Open the box now!

I can't.

Magician's Code.

What the hell is the Magician's Code?! "A magician never reveals his tricks."

Mr. Flanagan, my magic mentor from the hallowed Staten Island Mall Magic Shop, taught me the importance of the Code one fateful autumn night in 1993.

Always good to tell a long story while people are aiming g*ns at you. 'Twas a night which would changed my life...

(thudding)

Hello? Mr. Flanagan.

Wh-What are you doing here?

Um... I'm checking up on you.

Just to make sure you're practicing your craft or whatever.

That is an honor, sir.

And yeah, I promise, I'm practicing.

But wait.

Why were you, why were you going in my mom's room?

Uh... your mom's actually helping me with a new trick.

That is so cool!

What is this trick?

Is it sawing a lady in half?

(wry chuckle)

Well, not sawing.

But actually, the Magician's Code forbids me from telling you anything else about the trick.

Loretta: Wayne, come back to bed!

Okay, it involves a bed.

W-W-Wait. Can you at least tell me the name of this trick?

Sure, kid.

It's called--

The Disappearing Salami.

Mr. Flanagan's wife sh*t him before he could ever tell me what the trick was.

Yeah, that guy was banging your mom.

Yup.

Totally.

Mr. Flanagan was not ban--

Oh, my God, he was.

Wait, why are you bringing a magic trick to Hawaii anyway?

I was hoping to sh**t up to Honolulu for the Worldwide Magic Convention.

Don't worry. You'll notice I was gone.

It's only three

14-hour days.

So on our romantic getaway to help me forget about you skipping town on me, you're skipping town on me?!

Look Quinn, you're very important to me, but you're sharing my heart with an equally important Miss.

Miss...

Direction.

What?

H...

sh**t him.

So what did you order?

Oh, just black coffee.

I like it that way, too.

Yeah, it just tastes better to me.

I find that if the coffee beans are good enough, you really don't need--

Why are you in a wedding dress?!

Well, I'm sort of supposed to... get married today.

All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now?

Well, not all; we had five last-minute no-shows.

Well... six.

Mazel tov, Ted.

I was starting to think this would never happen.

Oh, no, Mrs. Matsen--

MRS. MATSEN: I told you he wasn't gay.

Wait, what?

I was tempted to leave Klaus for you last fall.

The only thing holding me back was the Robin of it all.

I know, and you were right, but... but that's all over now.

She moved out-- I mean, we're still friends, but that's over.

All these years, I never stopped thinking about you, Ted.

I've got a car outside if you're ready to drive off into the sunset together.

But if you don't feel the same way, if you've closed the door on us, just say the word... and I'll go.

Barney, tell them the trick.

The only person I could possibly reveal the trick to is another magician.

Well, I'm a magician.

Prove it.

Whoo-hoo!

(gasps)

Narrator: That's Barney's version.

Quinn said it was a simple card trick.

Who's to say which version was true?

Quinn's. Quinn's version was true.

Okay.

I'll tell you.

Oh, that's really cool.

So what's the trick?

I can't say. Magician's Code.

(gasps): Ta-da... da-da-da-da-da-da.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello.

Why did you make me call Victoria?

She's here in a wedding dress.

I'm the verge of ruining a wedding!

And Mrs. Madsen's friend thinks I'm gay, but let's put a pin in that till later.

Oh, my God. Victoria's at the bar with Ted.

That's a seven.

And she's in a wedding dress.

That's a ten.

We got a ten!

What are you gonna do? Where is she right now?

So this dress, what's the cut?

Are we talking princess, ball gown, column?

Right, 'cause it's a federal crime to love weddings.

She's in the bathroom, which I guess takes forever with that giant poufy skirt thing.

Ball gown. Thank you.

Four sh*ts of tequila.

Ted, calm down.

Or not. This is your chance to get the one who got away.

You want her, she wants you, what's the problem?

The problem is Victoria's in the middle of a giant freak-out.

What if she winds up regretting this decision?

She's going after Ted Mosby.

That's the best decision she's ever made.

There you go.

Whoa. What was that? What?

You said you wanted a picture of Baby Marvin's first outing.

Our baby's first outing was to a bar.

(gasps)

I dribble Cuervo on Marv's soft spot.

Here she comes! Quick!

Oh, yeah.

Eggshell or cream?

Is it eggshell or cream?

So.

You... me... riding off into the sunset.

Any thoughts?

One question: FDR or Westside Highway, what's the quickest way to the sunset?

Man, I wind up in these rooms a lot.

If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing The Disappearing Salami anytime soon?

I need to ask you both a few questions.

Let's start with you.

Name?

Quinn Garvey.

Occupation?

Unemployed.

Well, well, well.

Look who's keeping secrets now.

Sir, I'll tell you her occupation: stripper.

She insists she's proud of it, but apparently not proud enough to tell you.

Barney, I was going to surprise you with this on our trip, but... I quit.

You... did that for me?

Yes.

And now that you know what I did for you, and how much I care for you, would you please show him the trick?

Sorry. Magician's Code.

Where should we go?

Your place?

My place?

We could go on my honeymoon.

(laughs)

Just kidding.

Although, it is paid for.

I know where we should go. Where?

Your wedding.

I'm taking you back.

I don't understand.

I thought you wanted this.

I do want this.

I've thought about you so many times.

What might have been...

But I got left at the altar, and it nearly k*lled me.

You're someone's fiancé, and I have to respect that.

So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie, and get you back to your wedding.

(giggles)

It's the right thing to do.

Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option.

And now that I know that... it's like I'm sobering up.

Is there any way that we can just pretend this never happened?

This never happened.

Mr. Flanagan wasn't banging my mom.

Well.

Your flight left.

We need to hold Mr. Stinson for further questioning.

But you're free to go.

Maybe I should.

Wait!

I'll show you the trick.

Sir!

May I please have the silk handkerchief in your top left breast pocket?

Well... I don't have...

(chuckles)

(clears throat)

Sim salabi ma... sim salabi ma...

(gasps)

Relax, relax, it's part of the trick.

How did you get that through the X-Ray machine?

No questions from the audience, please!

(chanting nonsense syllables)

What is that?

Madam, may I please have the key on your necklace?

Oh!

(giggles)

(beeping)

Is that gonna explode?

What?

(screams)

(coughing)

Ahem.

(mock gasps)

What?

(loudly): Will you marry me?

Yes.

(laughing)

Come on, guys.

We're losing the light for Baby's Second First Outing.

Narrator: I hate to say it, but Robin nailed it.

(door closes)

Hey. Guys, we've got something to tell you.

Eight or higher, bro.

We're engaged.

That's a... that's a ten.

We got another ten!

Oh... Wow, big day!

Congratulations! Thank you.

How did this happen?

Oh... magic.

Oh.

Uh, not to ruin the moment, but apparently little Marvin is quite stunned by the news.

Well...

Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Do you guys mind recounting this romantic tale next to a Diaper Genie?

Oh, Marvin, you're about to hear your first love story!

QUINN: Once up on a time, this creepy magic dude was boning Barney's mom...

It's our last chance to run away together.

Door's right there.

Yes, we'll start a new life.

Head for the border! Canada!

Eh, Mexico. Canada sucks.

Okay, well, you're one-quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one-quarter suck.

I'm 100% awesome and you know it.

Yeah, I do.

(clears throat)

Look, I-I hope this isn't weird, or anything, because...

Barney...

I'm... I'm really happy for you.

Really?

♪ I listen to the wind ♪

Really.

♪ To the wind of my soul ♪
♪ Where I'll end up well I think ♪
♪ Only God really knows ♪
♪ I've sat upon ♪
♪ The setting sun ♪
♪ But never never never... ♪

You just drove right by the church.

I know.

♪ I never wanted water once ♪
♪ No, never, never, never ♪
♪ I listen to my words ♪
♪ But they fall far below ♪

The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?

Yeah. Just a few.

♪ My heart wants to go ♪

In a weird way, it all makes sense, though, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it kind of does.

♪ ...the devil's lake ♪
♪ But never never ♪
♪ Never never ♪

The bride wants to see me?

♪ No, never, never, never. ♪