You want me to what?
I don't know
about this, Freddie.
I already get five,
I don't want another one.
Hold on, I've got to ask
my dad about this.
What, better ask your dad what?
Well, me and Freddie Ryan
are best friends, right?
Mm-hmm.
So, doesn't that mean
when a best friend
is in a jam, you have
to help him out no matter what?
Oh, it sure does, Nicholas.
That's what best friends
are all about.
Like Dr. Maxwell and myself.
If one of us is in trouble, the
other one pitches in and helps.
Okay. Thanks, dad.
Hi, Freddie. I'm back.
My dad says you're right.
So, when do you want me
to adopt your baby sister?
Okay, Freddie, but I don't know
where I'm gonna put her.
[theme music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
Max! What's the matter,
one of my kids sick?
Sick?
I'm sick.
Sick and tired of that woman.
Max, you're drunk.
You bet I am.
She threw me out, Tom.
How could she do that?
No, not Daisy.
Twenty-five years of marriage
and she just..
...tosses me out.
Come on, Max.
I'll help you inside.
Twenty-five years. No reason.
Well, it's got to have
a reason, Max.
Simple logic, cause and effect.
Uh...listen, Max, I tell ya
I think you've had
a little too much to drink.
I have not yet begun to drink.
Uh, you've begun, you've begun.
Then I've not yet begun
to finish to drink.
You've finished,
you've finished.
Well, somebody's got to do
some drinking around here.
Alright, I'll tell you what,
if somebody has to do
some drinking around here,
I think that it should be me!
What a friend.
Sit down, Max.
Now, don't worry about this.
Everything will work itself out.
Do you know
what she said to me, Tom?
Stood there and said,
"Greg Maxwell, you are
a pedantic, boring,
pain in the neck."
The location
could've been worse.
Twenty-five years,
just like that.
Said to me, if that's the way
I felt about it,
I could just get out.
- Felt about what?
- I'm no chauvinist, Tom.
But you cannot reason
with women.
But, as you put it so well
I am a good-looking,
charming, successful guy
with a lot of mileage
left in him.
I said that?
Here's to my friend.
Uh...hm.
I haven't even had dinner yet.
You know,
she's made a big mistake.
She's gonna regret this.
She made a big mistake
letting me go.
From now on,
we're gonna live it up.
- You and me.
- Me?
How did I get into this thing?
We're gonna have
a swinging time.
The two musketeers.
No, no, no, no,
it's the four musketeers.
- Why they call them two?
- They don't.
They call
the four musketeers three.
Meh. What's a musketeer
between friends?
Wh-where are you going?
To find myself a motel room.
No, no, uh, Max.
No, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
My best friend
is not gonna spend the night
in some plastic motel room
by himself.
You'll stay right here, with me.
You are a true blue musketeer.
♪ Ninety-nine bottles
of beer on the wall ♪
♪ Ninety-nine bottles of beer ♪
♪ You take one down
and pass it around ♪
♪ Ninety-eight bottles
of beer on the wall ♪
♪ Ninety-eight bottles
of beer on the wall ♪
♪ Ninety-eight bottles
of beer ♪♪
Hey, I'm beat, man.
I got to bag some Zs.
You lucky..
You can just drop me off
at the site.
- See you guys later.
- Okay. Alright. Take care.
Man, you were pulling
some cards tonight.
- Yeah.
- How much you win?
Got $ from them,
you got $ from me.
And $ from my main man,
Mr. Bradford here.
What color you like, Davy?
Seein' as though you paying for
my wife's new dress and all.
Three-two-seven.
Wow, that's heavy bread.
Glad it's you, Davy, not me.
I'd write a check like that
I'm bouncy-bounce all over town.
Hey, it's only money, right?
Hey, remember that guy
that played with us
a couple of times?
You know, the one
that passed the bad check?
I mean, that cat caught
the first bus out of town
the same morning.
Did not even let us
wish him bon voyage.
[laughs]
Right.
Well, uh, I'll see
you guys around, alright?
Hey, anytime, Davy. You know
you're my main man, huh?
[instrumental music]
(Joannie)
'I mean,
this one's really tough..'
Hey, guys,
this is the last batch
okay? I've to get
to school too, huh.
I've to get to school, look,
I haven't even memorized this..
Me too. Me too,
me too, alright?
Hey, you guys,
guess what I just saw?
Superman?
Nope, somebody in bed with dad.
What was that, Nicholas?
Somebody in bed with dad.
Clothes all over the place.
Now, wait a minute, guys, cool
it. We didn't see this, right?
This is just little Nicholas
saying that he saw it, huh?
I did see it.
Dad would never do anything
so insensitive. Pass the syrup.
Ooh, I wish I wasn't
such a heavy sleeper.
Hey. This has got be handled
very delicately, huh?
I don't believe it.
He's over .
- Yeah!
- Nancy, this is not .
Dad's got a right
to his own life!
Well, you guys can sit here
and talk, but, uh...not me.
Come on, I'll show ya!
Tommy! Nicholas!
This is not show and tell.
- Yes, it is.
- I wanna see.
- Tommy, don't!
- Tommy, what do you see?
- Just part of a chair.
- Come on, let me see.
- No!
- Hey, don't!
- Ow!
- Tommy!
Oh, hey. What's going on?
Keep it down to a low roar.
What are you doing here?
Uh-uh, uh, nothing.
Nothing, nothing.
Listen, uh, earn your
medical school expenses
and go get me
an aspirin, please.
An aspirin.
[gargling]
Oh, I'm so tired.
Why, nothing like a good gargle
to get you started
in the morning to..
Hey, good morning, g*ng.
Hi.
What a reception committee.
Tom, knowing you,
I bet you arranged this.
A great man, your father.
Real friend.
Here I am in trouble,
and he says to me
"Greg, stay with us
as long as you like."
A friend.
Dad, what's going on?
Look, I didn't extend
an invitation to him
except for last night.
That is, if I remember right.
Well, anyway,
don't worry about it.
The whole thing
will blow over, believe me.
- What is the whole thing?
- Yeah.
Well, it's not important.
How can you say that, daddy?
Because I haven't been able
to figure out
what it is myself yet.
I don't know
why they ever split up.
They seemed so nice.
Oh, well, they are nice.
Don't talk about them
in the past tense.
Believe me, this whole thing
will be over
by the end of the day.
They'll, they'll make up with
each other and pout a little
and give in and, and it'll
all blow over, believe me.
It happens in all marriages.
This kinda thing ever happen
between you and mom?
Oh.
Well, sure.
Never to the point
of walking out though.
But we had, uh, arguments.
I remember one
was a real dilly we had.
It was over the, the darkroom.
I came home from work, you know
and I, and I saw the plans
on the dining room table
for what I thought
was gonna be a..
...a workshop for me.
And so I said,
"Look, this is no good.
There's no window.
I need a window for the light."
And she's, "Oh, no, no, no, no.
There can't be a window."
She said, "This is gonna be
a darkroom for me."
I said, "A darkroom?"
I said, "That's silly."
I said, "I-I've already ordered
a, a saw bench," and..
And then she said, "Well, I've
already ordered an enlarger.
Besides," she said,
"You haven't fixed anything
with your hands since
manual training in high school."
And then I said, "Well, when
was the last time you ever took
a picture of me without..
cutting my head off?"
Oh, it was a real dilly,
I'll tell ya.
Yeah, well, um..
I've got some running to do, I
think I better get to the track.
Yeah, yeah, we all better hurry
or we're gonna be late.
- Bye, dad.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, dad.
- Bye, dad, see ya.
- Bye, dad.
- Bye, dad.
Well, wait, wait,
who's gonna clean up this mess?
- 'Later, pop.'
- Later, pops, but..
[sighs]
Oh, no.
David! What's the matter?
Why couldn't you tell me
on the phone?
Well, I kept hoping
it would go away.
Look, I've got to borrow
a lot of money. Fast.
What for? How much?
At least bucks.
For a week, maybe two.
I've got to cover a check
by Monday morning
and I've got nothing
to cover it with.
Bad check?
David, how'd you get yourself
in such a mess?
Real easy. Table stakes, three
queens and a pair of deuces.
What happened?
Four kings,
that's what happened.
Look, I work with these guys.
Promise 'em anything.
But give 'em a bad check
and you get a reputation.
Maybe even a concussion.
I could be your first patient.
Well, that's very funny.
I don't take patients on credit.
And if you don't mind,
I'd rather
experiment on somebody else.
Let's see, uh..
I can let you have
or so from my book allowance
if it's just for a week, right?
And if you come by tonight,
I'll see what I can scrape up
from First National Bradford.
No. Please.
Nobody else. Only you.
I feel like such a jerk
as it is.
All that talking I've done
about handling things on my own.
Just keep it to yourself,
alright? Thanks.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Tom, I'm glad you're home.
I didn't want to start
reorganizing things
until you gave me the okay.
Now, I'm not gonna be
in your way, I promise.
I understand
your need for privacy.
Sure. Su..
Wh-wh-what about Daisy?
I gave her every chance
this morning
to admit that she was wrong.
Which, of course,
she was too stubborn to do.
Uh, listen, uh, can I use the,
uh, top drawers of your bureau?
Yeah, sure, sure.
What did she say?
Nothing.
I hate to crowd you but
I'm gonna need some place
for my suits.
Put them wherever you want.
What do you mean, nothing?
Nothing. Nada.
Tom..
...you and I are going
to get back into shape.
When we were married
it wasn't important for us
to look attractive.
But now...va-va-voom!
Oh, hold on, Max.
Do you have any idea
what's waiting out there?
Redheads, brunettes, blondes.
Lots of blondes.
You wanna know the best part?
They're waiting for you and me.
That's right.
Hard to believe, isn't it?
Tonight is the first night
of the rest of our lives.
Well, what do you say?
Va-va-va-voom.
I'll be in the den working.
'Call me when dinner is ready.'
- 'Greg is in the shower.'
- Is he ever.
Can't get any hot water in here.
I wonder how Daisy's
taking all this.
Maybe we should call her.
Oh...nah,
maybe we shouldn't interfere.
You know, that's why these
kinda things are such a drag.
Who gets custody
of the friends?
- 'We got the money.'
- 'We got the money!'
(Joannie)
'Oh, David's start.
Come on, you guys.'
- How much?
- Nancy, how much did you get?
Okay, between the three of us,
$ and cents.
Hm, let's see,
added to what I've got, that's..
...$ and cents.
That still leaves David
very, very short.
Now, wait a minute. How many
times has David bailed us out?
I think we can dig
a little deeper.
I can't give anything. I'm
the poorest kid in this house.
Well, that's what
I like to see, teamwork.
Uh, hi, Dr. Max.
Can we get you anything?
Oh, not a thing.
Hey, don't you worry about me.
Just go on doing
what you were doing.
I just came in
to get a little ice.
Oh, ice. There's some in the
bucket in the fridge, Dr. Max.
We're having iced tea
for dinner. You want some?
Love some,
but that would be warm ice.
Cold ice is the only thing you
should ever put into a drink.
Any of you who're
in training to be bartenders
should remember that.
Crisp, cold ice,
right from the freezer
is in its pristine state.
The flame's just
a little high under there.
While warm ice,
on the other hand
ice that's been allowed to melt
even the slightest millimeter
is already beginning
to dilute the drink
the instant you put it
in the glass.
Uh, Dr. Max,
wouldn't you like to, uh
visit with dad before dinner?
- Lot less crowded in the den.
- Ah, sure.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Mary, do you have the money?
- I've got the money.
Um, okay. Count it again.
Is that all, is that it?
Don't let me disturb you, Tom.
Oh. Hmm. Yeah.
[laughing]
Hey, Tom, listen to this.
There's a guy,
went in to rob a beauty parlor.
And it turns out he's allergic
to.. Here, hold just a second.
[chuckles]
You've got to act fast
around here.
What's the matter, Dr. Maxwell,
don't you like it?
Oh, yes, Mary.
Well, does it taste alright?
I-I made the roast.
Oh, yes, Joannie.
It tastes and smells delicious.
I would like to make
a little suggestion though.
Oh, you're welcome to try.
I'm not sure it'll work.
I always try, but it never
works, but go ahead.
Well, I don't like to criticize
but I am the family doctor
so, that does give me
certain liberties.
Feel free, Max.
Alright. Now, we've been sitting
at the table exactly
nine minutes.
And dinner's almost finished.
Oh?
Bad, bad, bad for the digestion.
Look at that, Tom.
Meat, gravy, potatoes,
all that salad dressing.
Cholesterol, Tom. Calories.
Absolutely right, dad.
You are what you eat.
That makes you a celery.
[laughing]
Of course,
we all must allow ourselves
our little indulgences.
I myself have vanilla ice-cream
for dessert
every night after dinner.
But pure vanilla
from the whole bean
made with raw honey, not sugar.
And frozen with coarse ice.
- Oh, no, you mean, cold ice.
- No, no.
[pager beeping]
Sorry. Got to go get the phone.
Use the one in the hall,
doctor. It's quieter.
Thank you.
Aw. I hope Daisy and Dr. Max
will get back together
pretty soon.
Yeah, you never
really know somebody
until you eat dinner
with them very slowly.
He's weird, face it.
Dad, um, did you know
he was like this?
Wait a second now. Everybody
has their little peculiarities.
Yeah, but he's got
big peculiarities.
Come on, now.
Where's your understanding?
Where's your tolerance?
'Don't you see that beneath
all this, he's suffering?'
'This thing
between him and Daisy's'
been going on a long time.
It's been building.
Their children grow up,
they move out, they marry.
It's hard on a couple.
All of a sudden, they realize
the only thing they have left
is each other.
Well, Max isn't ready
to realize that yet.
Let's stand behind him. Support
him in the meantime, alright?
These new support hose
really keep you going.
Want to borrow a pair, Tom?
I'll pass. I feel guilty
about going out tonight.
I have mountains
of research work to do.
Not tonight, Tom.
Not with all those fascinating
females waiting out there.
Who find an older,
sophisticated man
witty, wise, charming--
And balding.
Your problem, Tom, is that
you have the wrong self-image.
No, my problem is, I haven't
adjusted to being a widower.
Well, I understand that, Tom.
But, you've got to put
all that behind you.
You gotta start thinking young.
Acting young, feeling young.
You've been out
of touch too long.
And that shirt
is a perfect example.
Well, what's wrong
with this shirt?
It's got no...va-va-voom!
Hey, dad.
Hey, Susan.
Oh, boy, you look great.
You too, Dr. Maxwell.
Well, I see you're finally
wearing my Christmas present.
Hey, foxy.
That's us, Tom. Foxy.
Yeah, we're just going bowling.
Bowling? Hm, well,
have a nice time.
Well, goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, daddy.
- Goodnight, Dr. Max.
- Don't wait up for us.
Uh, we won't.
- Bowling?
- Aw, man.
[dance music]
[music continues]
[applause]
[indistinct chattering]
Drink? Come.
Oh. Could you excuse me?
I've got to go
to the ladies room.
- Oh.
- I'll go too and freshen up.
- Oh, okay.
- Thank you.
Hurry back.
Boy,
Daisy could take some lessons
out of having fun from that one.
Yeah.
Max, they're not coming back.
Oh, we'd just wear 'em out.
Listen, why don't we
just go dignified
and-and quietly, alright?
You sound just like Daisy.
I'm sick and tired
of being dignified.
Now, you order us another round.
I'm gonna go find us
a couple of live ones.
Oh, no.
So, what would you like, honey?
I'd like to go home.
You and me both.
My sinuses are k*lling me
from all the smoke in this place
and I can't hear myself think.
Oh, then why don't you try to--
No, I tried that.
The tips are better here.
Same all round?
No, no, uh,
just coffee for me and ..
I don't know
what my friend will have.
I know. Cold ice.
What about the ladies?
Hold the ladies.
[instrumental music]
That's $.
Hey, that leaves you flat broke.
Well, 's mine.
The rest, from your siblings.
Hey, I thought I asked you
to keep this to yourself.
David, if I kept it to myself,
you'd have only $.
Where's that put you now?
A long way from .
Monday morning my check
will be bouncing all over town
if I don't figure something out.
Please, David. Talk to dad.
I thought we'd been
through this already.
- Try him.
- What, and bring him down?
Looks like he's finally
having fun for a change.
Let him have fun.
- Bowling?
- Bowling.
Shh. Shh. Shh.
The kids are sleeping.
Oh, sure. Hey.
Did we have a blast?
Was that a great time?
- Yeah.
- I coulda danced all night.
What about a nightcap?
Hm? Yeah, alright.
Why don't you dance
into the sun porch and..
- Alright.
- I'll find us something.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
- Morning.
- Oh..
What time is it?
Seven o'clock?
Max, it's Saturday.
I've been pedaling slower.
I didn't want to wake ya.
I appreciate that.
Almost done.
Six point eight miles.
Ah..
Great.
Ninety-eight more miles
and you'll be in San Francisco.
Seven miles on the bike,
push-ups, cold shower.
Make you feel like a new man.
I wish I could feel
like the old one.
Good morning. What's...cooking?
It's, uh, Dr. Maxwell's
famous health hash.
Oh. It smells great.
Man, you guys
have been so good to me
I wanted to return the favor.
If I'm bad,
can I have peanut butter again?
I had to improvise
a little bit though.
'I couldn't find any, uh'
'okra bean curd lecithin powder
in the house.'
But I did substitute pancake
syrup for blackstrap molasses.
It's mainly soybean and,
uh, wheat germ.
And then, just before serving, I
add the whites of six raw eggs.
'Not cooked. Just curdled.'
Go on, everybody. Dig in.
Uh, notice, Susan. No sugar,
salt or flavor extenders.
Uh, I noticed.
- Don't eat too fast.
- Uh, don't worry, we won't.
Um, excuse me.
Tastes terrible!
You son of a g*n.
Uh, yes, I have to get in touch
with Dr. Maxwell, please.
Um, severe indigestion.
Yes. Could you have him
get in touch with me right away?
The name is, uh, Preniszni.
The 'S' is silent.
I-I better spell it.
P-R-E-N-I-S-Z-N-I.
Thank you, goodbye.
Oh, boy. Am I ready for this.
[pager beeping]
My patients always seem to call
at the wrong time.
Uh-uh, hall phone, doctor.
Uh, it's quieter.
Oh.
- See this mess he made?
- I know.
He used every pot in the house.
Well, I've never had a patient
by that name.
Maybe they want Dr. Blackwell.
Yeah. If not, uh, call me back.
- 'Hm!'
- 'Hm!'
Oh. Liked it, eh?
It was great! So good.
How about seconds, guys?
No!
No, thanks.
- No.
- Oh, it was so good.
- We already had seconds.
- Yeah!
- That was the best recipe.
- Loved it.
I-I'd have thirds,
if I wasn't so full.
Really, you've got to give us
the recipe, doctor.
It was great!
Boy, I don't know, Max.
I don't think we're gonna get on
on a Saturday morning
without calling.
Relax, Tom.
Daisy and I
have had this same time
reserved for years.
(male announcer)
'Maxwell. Maxwell.
Next up on tee.'
Right on the nose.
That's amazing.
Uh, Daisy, there's an old friend
of yours here.
Who?
- What's he doing here?
- What is she doing here?
- Do you hear an echo?
- The reservation is in my name.
Some men seem to feel
they own a name.
I always tee off
at on Saturdays.
(Greg)
And always slice.
My former partner, Dr. Double
Bogey, is the only man
who can add seven and five
and come up with an eight.
Of course, I never mentioned it.
To protect his ego.
That does it.
Well, it was nice
talking to you, Daisy.
Bye-bye. Bye. Uh..
- Hi.
- Hi, David.
- Hi.
- Hi, David.
What are you doing?
Mixing cement in the kitchen?
[laughs]
I wish.
This, David, was a delicious
repast a la Dr. Maxwell.
[gags]
Fortunately, most of it ended up
in the garbage disposal.
Well, uh, don't call me
when it backs up.
- I won't.
- Where's Mary?
She and Joannie
went over to see Mrs. Maxwell.
I thought they said they weren't
going to get involved.
Oh, they weren't, but they are.
Sounds like my sisters.
Yeah. So how are you doing?
Oh, I wish you didn't ask
but, uh, since you did
called a couple of friends,
lots of excuses, no bread
can't raise any money
on my van, I still owe
and, uh, hawked my watch
for a fast bucks.
[clicks tongue]
David!
Don't know what else to do.
Only fifteen?
Dad must have paid
a for it.
I've got an idea.
I have got a good idea.
'I don't know.'
Come on, let's go
before dad comes home.
Oh, come on, let's go.
Oh, boy,
is Nicholas gonna have a fit.
Hm, well,
we oughta make up pretty good
with all this stuff, huh?
I'll be right down, Max!
- Oh, hi, David.
- Hi, dad.
Huh, what's, uh..
Just going to the park
for a little exercise.
Oh, looks like
the junior Olympics.
Uh, yeah, well..
Since when has hair drying
become an Olympic event?
Oh, oh, you know, Nancy
she holds the world record
in hair drying.
Oh, well,
when will you all be back?
Uh, later, dad.
Come on, let's go.
- Uh, see you later, dad.
- Bye, dad.
David, uh, c-can you be
a little more specific?
Oh, yeah, uh, couple hours.
Okay, I gotta run,
catch you later.
Yeah, I'll,
uh, catch you later.
Then you don't wanna be
married to him anymore?
Joannie, it's not
as simple as that.
Of course
I don't wanna be rid of him.
Uh-does that mean that,
that you're gonna take him back?
Oh, I haven't gotten
to that point yet.
I'm just getting used to having
the closet all to myself.
Listening to the music I like.
We've been very intolerant,
haven't we?
No, no, not really.
But, uh, as long as he's too
stubborn to admit he's wrong
I don't see why your family
should pay the price.
I'll tell you what
I'll give you a list
of the do's and don'ts
of how to make him happy.
Or shall we call it
"How to survive...
with a doctor in the house."
You sure don't get much from
a pawn shop these days.
Yeah, I know,
we sold most of our best junk
and only got bucks.
I think I'm gonna go into pawn
broking as a career.
What's David gonna do
if he can't
come up with all the money?
Mind if we don't think
about that right now?
Hey, hey, hey, a gallon
of vanilla ice-cream.
This wasn't here yesterday.
I wonder who bought it.
Dad must have, for Dr. Max.
Oh, that's all we need, if we
keep giving him things he wants
he'll never leave.
- Uh-uh.
- Hey, where you guys goin'?
(Nancy)
'Gettin' rid of it.'
Hey, don't be wasteful,
don't throw it away.
(Tommy)
'Hey, who's throwing it away?
Grab a bowl.'
[indistinct chattering]
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Nicholas.
What are you doing here?
Remember when my hamster died
and you gave me cents
to make me feel better?
[chuckles]
Yeah.
I broke open my piggy bank.
I've been saving up
for a new hamster.
I used Tommy's knife
to get it out.
Here.
It's for you, two dollars
and twenty-seven cents.
For me?
Sure, isn't very much
I wish it was more.
Not very much?
It's everything you had.
That's the richest two dollars
and twenty-seven cents
I ever saw.
Thank you.
Got any ice cream?
You bet.
[instrumental music]
Max, are you sure about this?
Don't you think at least
we should have met them first?
Relax, Tom, the brother-in-law
of the guy who services my car
knows these girls personally.
Lillian and Mavis.
Real ladies, a sure thing.
Oh, what are we
gonna talk about?
Just don't talk about
your kids or your age.
Play the strong, silent type.
Yeah,
pretend you're Gary Cooper.
Gary Cooper?
Where you goin'?
I'm going to feed my horse.
- Oh, come on. Come. Come on.
- This is so ridiculous.
Just..
[doorbell rings]
- 'Cheers!'
- Cheers!
Well, now..
What do you think
of the energy crisis?
It's pretty, umm, I..
Critical.
Critical! Right.
Sure is.
That's one dandy
of a crisis alright.
(female #)
'For sure.'
(female #)
'Really.'
W-what do you think
about it, Tom?
Wha-wha, about what?
The energy crisis.
Oh, the energy crisis.
It's critical,
it's very critical.
And the drought,
the drought's pretty nasty too.
I'll say.
Kind of makes you thirsty
just thinking about it.
[laughs]
Listen, would you fellas
excuse us for just a moment?
- Oh, sure, sure.
- Sure.
Which one do you want?
Oh, I don't really care, Greg.
It's all the same to you,
I'll take the cute one.
Sure.
Which one is that?
Good question.
What do you think?
I think your brother-in-law
oughta stick to lube jobs.
Look,
Newman and Redford they're not
but, uh, they're here
and it's only o'clock.
I know.
So, which one do you want?
Frankly, neither.
[sighs]
But since we have an entire
evening in front of us
I just assume I'll have
the better looking one.
Which one is that?
Hmm.
When you start thinking about it
it's really not much of a race.
Make up your mind.
[sighs]
I'll take the one
with the ice cube fetish.
You can have
the manic depressive.
Huh.
[instrumental music]
Greg! How are you feeling
or shouldn't I ask?
I'm slipping, I'm slipping, Tom.
I always thought middle age
was a frame of mind.
Yeah.
Unfortunately,
it can be a frame of body too.
We can't give up.
It's like falling off a horse,
you, you gotta--
Sometimes,
you gotta lie right down
and let the horse
ride off without you.
Please, I'm not feeling up
to your metaphors.
You're not facing the fact
that we're just a couple of,
uh, musty musketeers.
Alright, so we didn't
set the world on fire.
We're new at it.
I am not about to surrender.
But you can't be
what you're not.
We're both one woman men.
Well, I don't happen
to have a woman at the moment.
Oh, I don't know.
I think you do.
'If you are suggesting'
that I lower my dignity
and ask her to take me back--
No, no, no, I'm not
suggesting any such thing.
I'm just trying
to point out that..
...you have an alternative
to being a -year-old swinger.
Dad, I never saw you plant
anything before.
Oh, yeah, well, Dr. Maxwell
never lived with us before.
Dad, what's a full house?
- Eight kids.
- No.
- I mean in cards.
- Oh, in poker?
Well, that's, uh, when you have
three cards that are alike
and two cards that are alike.
- Is that a good thing?
- It sure is.
Why, you haven't been
playing poker, have you?
No, I just wanted to know.
Oh, I see.
Use some help?
I have a notoriously
green thumb.
Oh, no, that's quite alright,
I don't want you to get dirty.
Besides, this is a two-man job.
Well, I guess they can
use some help in the house.
Yeah, I'm sure they can.
- It's kind of strange.
- What is?
Well, nobody wanted mom
to go away and she went
and nobody wanted Dr. Maxwell
to come and he came.
Yeah.
I know what you mean, Nicholas.
Should be some kind of trade.
Well, you see,
the difference is that
the Maxwell's split
because they wanted to
and that's why it's different.
Does that mean they don't
like each other anymore?
No, no, no, it just means that..
Well, they feel
they'd be happier apart.
God, that's strange,
Dr. Maxwell doesn't look happy.
I've been around a lot longer
than you have, Nicholas
and I don't understand it
either.
[chuckles]
[laughs]
What are you laughing at?
Well, dad, that's the first time
you didn't understand something.
[both laugh]
Just because dad
blew it once with Mrs. Abbot
doesn't mean he can't
try again, Joannie.
Yeah, I know,
but try to tell him that
but you can't even
pry him away from Dr. Macho.
Need a hand, ladies?
Drying's my specialty.
I think we've got it
under control, Dr. Max.
Yeah, thanks anyway.
Where's my ice cream?
Huh?
My vanilla ice cream
I bought a whole gallon.
Oh..
Well, I guess maybe
it got eaten.
Well, young Dr. Bradford.
That's a long way off.
What are we up to? Ohh.
"Cellular structure tissue"
I can help you with that, Mary.
Uh, where are we?
Uh, nowhere
if I flunk that quiz tomorrow.
But, I appreciate
the offer, doctor.
Oh, oh, say no more.
I remember those days.
I'm on my way out.
[instrumental music]
Where is Greg?
Did you girls call him?
I called everybody, dad,
and he said he was coming.
Dad, when's he gonna go?
Yeah, you know, dad,
I checked the cupboard
and I think he's prepared
for a long stay.
He bought the jumbo size of
everything for Saturday hash.
Dad, why don't you talk to him?
Daisy said that--
Daisy? Did you talk to Daisy?
Well, yeah,
sh-she's our friend too.
Dad, they belong together.
'And you're
Dr. Maxwell's best friend.'
'You're the only one that can
make him understand that.'
What do you want me to do? Just
go up and say, "Max, go home?"
I can't do that, I've tried,
it's not that easy.
He doesn't wanna hear
any of that.
He doesn't wanna hear
how lucky he is.
You know something,
maybe you're right.
If his best friend
can't tell him, who can?
[sighs]
Greg!
(Greg)
'In here, Tom.'
Greg, this has gone
on long enough.
Yes, I know.
Your problems with Daisy
are your own personal affair
but when they start to interfere
with my fa-fa..
Wha-what did you say?
I said, yes, I know.
I guess I knew it the night you
found me on your front steps.
I knew it at the disco.
And I really knew it
with Lillian and Mavis.
But it took
one of Mary's medical books
to get me to admit it.
I haven't the faintest idea
of what you're talking about.
"How to survive
with a doctor in the house."
It's unsigned but..
...I recognize the misspellings.
"Never mess up the newspaper
until he's read it.
"Roll, never fold his socks.
Boil his three minute eggs four
minutes, but don't tell him."
She went to all this trouble
after all I've done.
I've been absolutely asinine.
You shoulda told me, Tom.
I did.
Now, it's too late.
Too much time has passed.
Too, too many words
have been said.
Best thing in my life
and I ruined it.
Nah.
Dented it, maybe.
On the other hand
maybe it isn't ruined.
I can't just go back home
as though nothing had happened.
That'd never work.
This is going to take
cunning, timing..
...and every ounce
of charm I've got.
Well, of course, if you're
busy Wednesday night, Daisy
uh, maybe we can make it
for lunch on Thursday?
Dinner then?
Oh, that's even better.
She's coming around, Tom.
Not as soon as I'd hope.
See what she's doing
for lunch today, today.
Uh, excuse me a second, Daisy.
I can't ask her
for a date on such short notice.
What would she think of me?
Ask her, find out.
Uh, Daisy, uh
are you by any chance,
uh, free for lunch today?
You are?
Great.
Yes, I-I-I'll,
uh, I'll be right home.
Oh, Tom, I-I hate to do this
to you on such short notice
but it looks like our swinging
single days are numbered.
That's alright,
I'll manage without you.
Oh, hey, Greg! Wait a minute,
I just remembered.
What do I tell Lillian
and Mavis if they call?
Tell 'em the drought's over.
Va-va-voom!
[laughs]
[instrumental music]
Hi, I think you need
some practice right?
Yeah, I think
I'll go sh**t some baskets.
David, why are you coming over
to see us all the time lately?
Nothing wrong with liking
your family, is there?
Oh, no, we know that you
like us, we like that.
It's just that, uh..
Oh, by the way what time is it?
Uh, I haven't got my watch.
Oh, my goodness, hocked?
Yeah, tried to draw
to an inside straight?
No, a full house.
How'd you know anyway?
That's not important.
Oh, nobody tattled,
if that's what you mean.
It's just,
the reason I felt bad is
why didn't you come to me
in the first place?
You were busy with Dr. Maxwell.
Yeah, and if I hadn't been?
I don't know,
I, just felt so stupid.
Such a jerk.
I'm trying to be my own man.
I can't come to you
every time I have a problem.
Why not?
Just because you're independent
that doesn't mean
that you have to cut me out.
I might have been able to help.
How much would it cost
to get everybody out of hock?
About $.
Only for a week or two.
Fine, we'll draw up a note.
Ten percent.
What do you mean a note?
We're family.
You said you wanted
to be independent. Right?
Do you want me, uh,
to start giving you the lectures
that my father told me
on the evils of gambling?
Please, dad.
First of all, now listen
if you get three cards that
are unrelated, throw them in.
Get rid of them!
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, hi.
- Want some company?
- Yeah, sure.
Good.
- Hi, pop.
- Hm, mm-mm.
Hey, you ain't drinking
ice tea alone, are you?
- I'm starving.
- Hey, dad.
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, dad.
- Ooh, tea!
- What you doin'?
Do you know something?
Do you know that Max is right?
There is a difference
between warm and cold ice cubes.
Come on, dad, not that again.
Here's to good company.
All of you.
[indistinct chattering]
[theme music]
[music continues]
02x01 - Is There a Doctor in the House?
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.