[instrumental music]
- Dad?
- Hm? What? Tommy?
Nicholas. Can I borrow
your alarm clock?
Oh, why?
So I can get up early,
so we can have a chance to talk.
We never get to talk.
Oh, well, I can talk
to you now, I'm awake.
We can't talk now,
it's after midnight.
You've gotta get your sleep.
Well, if I have to get my sleep,
what did you wake me up for?
'Cause I didn't want
you to be worried
when you found
your alarm clock missing.
[theme music]
[knock at door]
Nancy, get outta there.
- Ahem!
- Been in there long enough.
[pounding]
Dad, if you don't get
Nancy out of the bathroom
we're gonna melt down
in our own shadows.
She keeps erasing her face
and starting over again.
Dad, something terrible
happened to David!
Hey, dad, can we talk?
Uh, just a second, Nicholas.
How terrible?
- Well, he can't work.
- And he may lose his apartment.
Dad, your second's up.
Can we talk now?
What happened?
The bricklayers
went on strike
and David won't cross
the picket line.
Right. Oh, dad, would you
please call him?
I mean, I know he's standing
on his principles
but he might end up
sleeping in the street.
Yeah, sure,
I'll call him right away.
Just a sec.
You know what's the matter
with this house?
What?
There's no way to get up
before things start.
David doesn't answer.
Well, I'll stop by his apartment
between my morning classes.
- Invite him to dinner.
- David's too proud for charity.
What charity?
We'll make him wash the dishes.
No, no, tell David that he can
have my dinner, I won't be here.
Ah, you don't have to make
that big a sacrifice, dad.
Who's sacrificing? I'm taking
Mrs. Abbott out to dinner.
- Aw!
- Oh.
- Oh, dad, driving what?
- Sedan.
No, no, you promised
the sedan to me, remember?
I'm going to the play tonight.
And you promised
the station wagon--
To me! I've gotta take five
people to the ball game tonight.
Now, you know what you say
about keeping promises, hm?
Look, I can't take
a woman out without a car.
Ah, no problem, dad. Abby's got
that darling little car.
She'd be glad to take you.
No, no, wait.
Can't we talk this over? Oh..
I'll talk to you, dad.
Ah, thank you, Nicholas.
What's on your mind?
What did I look like
when I was a baby?
Oh, well, yes,
you used to part your hair
the same way
I part mine.
That bad, huh?
Do you have a picture?
Do you need it right now?
Yeah, my teacher said
to bring one in to class.
Alright, no problem.
We have a whole baby album
of you up in the attic.
Uh, you get it for him, Mary.
Look, I'm extremely late.
Bye-bye.
Well, little guy,
let's go find your mugshots.
Guys, bathroom's free!
Well, that's
the last time I rush.
Hey, David.
[dramatic music]
David?
Hyah!
Alright, don't touch me.
I know karate.
Now, don't touch me.
Now, now.. If you just
put those things down
and leave quietly,
you won't get hurt.
Now, listen, lady,
I'm not a burglar.
Oh yeah? Well, how come you're
taking David's stuff then?
No, this is my stuff.
We're moving it in.
I'm, I'm David's roommate.
Nah. David doesn't believe
in roommates of the same sex.
(David)
'Watch her, Roger.
Those hands are lethal.'
You should see her typing.
Oh, David,
is he your roommate really?
- Yes.
- Oh.
We're sharing expenses
until the strike's over.
'Joannie, this is Roger Eason,
a fellow hard hat.'
'Roger, Joannie,
a fellow Bradford.'
Your sister?
Oh, pleased to meet you.
Oh, I'm pleased
to meet you too.
Really, I'm not usually
so paranoid.
No, no, that's cool.
I never had my life
threatened so attractively.
So, what do you do
with yourself
when you're not
beating up burglars?
[chuckles]
Well, um,
I study theater.
Really? I've done
a little acting.
You have?
Yeah, well,
mostly spear-carrying
but I'd like to do more.
I don't know, just being around
the theater turns me on.
Oh, I know what you mean.
You like Pirandello?
I.. You know Pirandello?
I love him.
- He's so..
- Surreal.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Exactly. His plays
have this most..
...incredible sense of-of..
...existential..
Quiet?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Um, Joannie..
[whistles]
- Joannie.
- Huh?
Uh, I hate to interrupt
but, uh, well, there must have
been some reason you dropped in.
Oh.
Oh, that's right. Oh!
You're invited
to dinner, you know, and..
Oh, well, listen, why don't you
bring Roger along?
Um, dad's going out,
and Nancy's on a crash diet.
I'd-I'd love to.
Well, great.
Terrific!
Listen, why don't you come by
at, uh, o'clock
and, uh.. Be there :
or so, and then..
Um.. Oh, thanks.
- I'll see you then.
- See you then.
Alright, at :.
Phew.
You didn't tell me
you had a sister.
Five.
Alright.
They all got
the same phone number?
[instrumental music]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Do I have time to take the key
out of the ignition
or you're gonna take this right
out from under me?
Very funny.
Dad, I checked the garage
and the attic.
Nicholas does not have
a baby album.
Really? I could have sworn
there was an album.
Oh, there's lots of albums.
David has a big album,
I have a big album.
By the time we got to Tommy's,
uh, it was half full
but at least
there was an album.
You know, Nicholas has
three pitiful pictures.
Come to think of it, the thrill
of taking baby pictures
did kind of wear off.
All the other kids in the
second grade must have albums.
How's Nicholas gonna feel?
Neglected.
All I could find was
a pair of ratty, old sneakers.
Oh, really? Do you suppose
that we could..
No, dad, you can't bronze
baby sneakers.
I had a reservation
for one tonight.
I'll need two now,
do you have 'em?
Okay, I'll hold.
Oh, dad, dad, listen.
Your troubles are over.
David has solved
his financial crisis.
Oh, I can use
some good news.
He's taken on a roommate
to share expenses.
Male or female?
David doesn't believe
in roommates of the same sex.
Well, Roger's very male,
and David's bringing him over
to dinner,
and we're going on a date.
Oh, my gosh.
Abby will be here in a minute.
- Hey, Mary.
- Yes.
I checked through
all that stuff in the attic.
Are you ready
to take inventory?
After dinner, boss.
Okay, two confirmed.
Thank you.
Well, what are we talking about?
Mary and I are having
a garage sale.
(Mary)
'I was prowling around
in the attic'
when I suddenly realized
that there's a small fortune
in junk up there
that we never use.
(David)
'No, no, wait a minute.'
You said there was junk
I said there
was a small fortune.
[giggles]
Kid doesn't know much
about geometry
but he's a whizz
at capitalism.
Hey, don't complain.
If you want out, just say so.
Ha ha! Are you kidding?
If I don't keep an eye on you,
you'll sell the garage.
So what's the big deal
who drives? This is .
No, no, no,
it's my responsibility
as a gentleman to provide
the transportation.
Dad, do yourself a favor
and buy a subscription
to "Cosmopolitan" magazine.
'You're probably
on the ten squarest men list.'
And the ten worst-dressed.
Here, dad, try this one.
- No, please, give me that back.
- No.
Look, conservative minds
like conservative ties.
Yeah, well, Mrs. Abbott
is gonna be thinking
you're tailored by a museum.
The truth is, dad, you've got
a lot to learn about women.
Oh, really? Well, if that
were true, young la--
Dad, Terry's parents are driving
him to the ocean next Saturday
and he invited me to come
and swim in the waves with him.
Oh, really? That sounds nice.
That was nice of them. Okay.
Thanks, dad.
Now, if I'm such an amateur
about the female sex
then would you please tell me
why there are so many..
Oh, no, wait, Nicholas!
No, you can't go to the ocean.
- You don't know how to swim.
- So?
So, it'd be too dangerous,
you'd sink.
I'm sorry, you can't go.
It's not my fault
I don't know how to swim.
Darn.
You know, he's right,
it's not his fault.
- Whose is it?
- It's my fault.
I never taught him
how to swim.
Oh, here, you try on
this shirt
and that tie on,
you'll look great.
- Here.
- No.
Would you take this tie back?
Would you let me have my nice
little conservative tie?
I was so happy with it.
Oh, I'll go crazy.
[laughing]
[knock at door]
- Hi, Mrs. Abbott.
- Hi, Tommy. How you doing?
- Pretty good.
- Good.
Hey, dad, step on it!
Your date's here.
Oh, gosh,
this is embarrassing.
She's waiting in the hall,
and I'm getting dressed.
If you can call it that.
Did Tommy say
my date was here?
No, dad's date.
Joannie, you have
a date coming?
Yeah, David's new roommate.
Oh.
Well, David's roommate
shouldn't have to wait alone.
Excuse me, dad.
Mary, this is Roger.
Roger, my sister, Mary.
Hi, Sister Mary.
You make it sound
like a convent.
Um, hi, Roger.
Hey, I saw David's van
in the driveway.
Would somebody tell Roger
I'll be right down?
I will, Joannie dear.
It'll be a pleasure.
Mrs. Abbott, Roger Eason.
Roger, Mrs. Abbott.
Hi, Roger,
it's nice to meet you.
It's nice meeting you,
Mrs. Abbott.
I hope you're staying
for dinner.
Um, well, I-I'm afraid I can't.
Hi, David.
Uh, who is everybody?
Oh, um, Susan, this is Roger.
'Roger, my sister, Susan.'
Sister Susan? You make this
sound like a convent.
Where have I heard that before?
And each one lovelier
than the next.
Hey, how do you like
your aluminum?
Oh, I like it. I need every
advantage I can get.
I always wanted
to try one of these.
Any place
where we can hit a few?
Now?
Well, I'm available
if you are.
Um, how about in the driveway,
against the garage?
Okay?
[laughs]
After you.
(Susan)
'Bye, David.'
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Abbott.
- Hi.
Hi, David.
Uh, where's your roommate?
He's outside, with Susan.
With Susan?
[sighs]
[laughs]
- What's so funny?
- Oh, I don't know.
Uh, Dame Margot routine,
I guess.
You know, having you take
a message to my date
is like having a..
...a Great Dane deliver
a lamb chop.
Well, don't jump on me.
It just so happens
that your lamb chop
is being devoured
by our vegetarians.
- Susan?
- Mm-hmm.
- Susan!
- Right.
Well, it's a good thing
one of us around here
knows to play hard-to-get.
[instrumental music]
[giggling]
Looks like Roger's made himself
pretty popular around here.
Well, I'd say your sisters have
made him aware of one thing
this is not a convent.
[both laugh]
[instrumental music]
Gee, I'm sorry
I kept you waiting.
Believe me, Tom,
I wasn't bored.
You know, you'd make me
very happy if you let me drive.
Oh, sure. Go ahead.
Ah, good.
Let's go.
Oh, ha ha, look what happened.
The steering wheel
got on the wrong side.
Oh, it's a British car.
Oh, that's, that's great.
Very great.
Oh, I'll let myself in, Tom,
it's okay.
Alright.
Okay, here we go.
Are you excited?
- Well, uh, yeah.
- Alrighty.
Alright, good.
- Now, I put this right in here.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, look at this,
this is the standard shift.
Where's manual shift?
It's just your old-fashioned
flipped over H.
First gear's up and away.
Okay, here we go then.
Up and right with this.
- Oh, I know, I know.
- Yeah.
Well.. Oh!
Hey, what do you know.
Okay.
Oh, I, I think
you started in third.
Oh, after all this time
with first to second.
(Abby)
Well, maybe you could
stop for a second.
Alright.
(Abby)
'What are you doing?'
(Tom)
To us.
(Abby)
And to the boy
who parked the car.
You know, I think that's
the first time in my life
I was ever happy
to turn a car over
to a parking lot attendant.
[laughs]
Hey, you know,
it's really nice to be here.
It sure is.
Not a kid in sight.
Quiet is deafening.
I don't know how you do it
being a mother and father
to all eight of them.
Well, the trick
is to speak loudly
and carry a small revolver.
No.
My only real concern
is Nicholas.
- Nicholas?
- Yeah.
I feel like I've been
neglecting him.
This morning I realized
we don't even have
a baby album of him.
I never taught him
how to swim.
Oh, Tom, you're being
too hard on yourself.
Hey, did you know
that the average father
spends minutes a day,
with his children?
In my case, that's less than
four minutes per kid.
[chuckles]
Oh, well, it's,
it's not the quantity
it's the quality that counts.
And in the same study,
it says that, uh, percent
of all kids prefer television
to their own fathers.
Oh, that's awful.
Well, what I'm trying
to say is that..
I wouldn't worry too much
about Nicholas if I were you.
Yeah, why am I talking
about my children?
Here we are alone
for the first time, and..
I know.
Besides, who cares
if Nicholas
likes Captain Kangaroo
better than me?
Hey, Tom..
I like you better
than Captain Kangaroo.
- Hi. How's it going?
- Hi.
Terrific.
Just terrific.
I thought this garage sale was
supposed to be a partnership.
It is, you're
a percent partner
I'm a percent partner.
I came up with the idea
and I'm providing
the management services.
Then how come I'm carrying
most of the load?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Had fun?
The play was great.
Hmm. Forget the play.
How was Roger?
Well, if you must know, we're
going out again next Sunday.
Hmm. Instant replay, huh?
Cute.
Uh-huh. In fact, we'll be going
out again Saturday.
- Except Roger was busy.
- I know.
[sighs deeply]
Saturday..
...we're going hiking.
Well, that's wonderful, Susan.
Absolutely wonderful.
But not with my hiking boots,
you're not.
[instrumental music]
- Hiya, Nicholas.
- Hi, dad.
Nicholas, um,
could I ask you a question?
Sure, dad.
Um, if you had to choose
between me and television
which would you choose?
Which channel?
What if we spent more time
together, would you like that?
Okay. What are we gonna do?
Well, we'll make it
a surprise.
What if today,
I pick you up after school?
Just the two of us?
What day is it?
It's Friday. Why?
Oh, I was just wondering about
all the shows I'll be missing.
Rog, I mean, don't feel
you have to date them both
just to be neighborly.
You know the trouble
with you David
you're suffering
a Laertes' complex.
- A what?
- Laertes.
He was Ophelia's brother
in "Hamlet."
Yeah, he was very hung up
about his sister's virtue.
Roger.
Look, Rog..
their virtue
is their own business
but when it becomes
a civil w*r
it's my whole family's business.
Go easy, okay, Rog?
Hey, it's the only way
to go, right?
Come on.
Okay, it's just that
I don't understand why..
...why you didn't tell me
that you had a date with Susan?
I was being nice.
Look, she asked me to go hiking.
What could I say?
You could've said no.
[sighs]
Look, it's on a whole
different level.
I mean, she's a nice kid, but..
...you're a woman.
'A real woman.'
- Oh, Rog, come on.
- No, listen, Joannie.
The first time
I laid eyes on you..
[sighs]
'I don't know,
something stirred inside me.'
'Something strong.'
'Subtle.'
Strong and subtle?
Mm-hmm.
Well, then why are you
going out with Joannie?
Well, she's a sweet kid.
Why hurt her feelings?
She's not so sweet.
Believe me.
No, but she is.
'You see, that's her trouble.'
She doesn't have
the vibrancy you have.
The spirit.
[chuckles]
You may not
believe this, Susan.
What?
The first time
I laid eyes on you..
Hiya, Nicholas.
Guess where we're going.
To the YMCA.
I'm going to teach you
how to swim.
But I don't have my swimsuit.
That's alright.
You don't need one.
You.. You mean, you swim naked?
That's right. That's how
Tommy and David learned.
It's easier that way,
you don't have
the trunks
to weigh you down.
Okay, but if we get arrested,
just remember
it was your idea.
Hey, this is great stuff,
Mrs. Abbott.
This garage sale
could use a little class.
Yeah, wait till you see
the second load.
Recycled 's.
Well, if Elizabeth's
old ballet slippers will go
anything will go.
Is your father home?
Oh. No, he and Nicholas
went swimming
then to get some pizza,
and then to a ball game.
Oh. Sounds like a party.
Yeah, well, dad and Nicholas are
into this father and son trip.
You think they'll survive?
Oh, sure.
They'll grow out of it.
It's just a phase.
Hey, listen.
Can I interest you in a bugle
used only on Sundays
by a little old Boy Scout?
Were you
the little old Boy Scout?
No, David was.
[bugle blaring]
Pretty good.
[instrumental music]
(Tom)
Well, you ready, Nicholas?
(Nicholas)
If you say so, dad.
(Tom)
Good luck.
[women screaming]
[instrumental music]
Okay, Joannie.
No, I'm looking forward to it.
Alright. Bye, angel.
Oh, hi. I didn't
hear you come in.
Well, I'm not used to knocking
in my own apartment.
Yeah, listen, uh,
speaking about knocking
I don't suppose you could
take in a movie or something
till about o'clock?
'Well, I have a heavy date.'
Oh, don't sweat it.
I'm going out.
Yeah? You got a date?
That's right.
'What does she look like?'
- Gorgeous.
- Great.
Well, uh,
thanks for meeting me here.
I'm the one who's getting
the gourmet dinner.
Frankly, it was the best offer
I had tonight.
[imitating David]
Well, Mary, I suppose you're
wondering why I asked you here.
Yes, David,
I am a little curious.
Alright. I've got a problem.
Your problem wouldn't
by any chance
be named Roger, would it?
No, I think his name
is Laertes.
I can put up with Roger
till the strike's over.
It's Joannie and Susan.
It's not just your problem,
David, it's all of ours.
At the moment,
it's Joannie's.
Back at the apartment,
languishing in Roger's charms.
She's over , isn't she?
The-the point is,
it's hurting me to sit by
and watch
what he's doing to them.
I know, an older brother's
not supposed to get involved
in his sisters' love lives.
I mean, how would you feel if
you were seeing a guy, and he--
Lousy.
Look here, David, do you think
he loves either one of them?
No.
Look, David, I don't know
what you should do.
But I know that in this family,
we all stick up for one another.
Even if it involves
taking a little flak.
They're both going to hate me.
Oh, sure.
Till the next time
they need $
or they need
a tail light fixed.
Look at it this way.
Think of all the time
and money you'll save
having only three sisters
that love you.
Okay.
Listen to this.
It was written by a Syrian poet
named Hashi Al Qatari.
"Love is like the fragrance
of the wind.
"At once fleeting and strong.
"It's brief as a flash
of sunlight on the burning sand.
It is everlasting
as the desert night."
See, I think that, uh..
Al Qatari is
talking about us here.
You know, because what we have..
...is both fleeting
and strong..
...and like a flash of sunlight.
[dramatic music]
I'm sorry
for interrupting, Joannie.
Susan?
[sighs]
Listen, David.
This is a private party.
Used to be private.
Hey, I'm sorry.
If I'm interrupting anything,
I'll just go to the bedroom.
- My bedroom.
- You could just go, period.
Either you handle this,
or I'm going to. Hmm?
No, let me.
What's the story?
I thought you had a date.
I did. I guess I just work
a little faster than you do.
Well, that's terrific, ace,
but what about our arrangement?
It's only o'clock.
I repealed it. Unilaterally.
[sighs]
Listen, Roger..
I care about my sisters.
When I started
thinking about Joannie, I--
Joannie? Wait, what does Joannie
have to do with this?
Oh, so that's it!
Joannie put you up to this, huh?
- That sneak! I'm gonna--
- Susan.
What?
Joannie had nothing
to do with this.
Of course she didn't.
Look, let me drive you home.
- I..
- I'll explain everything.
I don't accept rides
with strangers, thank you.
I'll just, um, jog home
if you don't mind. You coming?
I think Roger has some
unfinished business here.
Call me, okay?
See you.
Alright.
[sighs]
Alright, Laertes,
let's clear the air.
'Get it out.'
Good idea.
Because I want
to get out is you.
I think you better
manipulate yourself
into some other
living arrangement.
Yeah, well, I don't like
your suggestion.
It's no suggestion, pal
it's a fact of life.
Okay, pal.
I got another fact
of life for you.
I go nowhere
without my share of the rent.
'So pay up, or bug off.'
Oh, gosh, Abby.
That is one of the reasons
I called you tonight.
Now, listen, I don't think I can
have lunch with you tomorrow.
Let me explain why.
I've just got this thing with
Nicholas going real strong now.
It'd be a crime to stop, right?
Well, tomorrow,
I have promised him..
Listen to this,
it's gonna be great.
I promised him
miniature golf, the zoo
and then
another swimming lesson.
Eh, isn't that great?
We should both go fly a kite?
Gee, that is an idea.
He might love that.
- I think that maybe--
- Joannie.
- Where, where is she?
- Oh.
- Hi, it's, uh..
- Joannie!
Where is who? I-I-I..
Abby, no, uh..
Joey. Abby.
Listen, where were we?
Oh, uh, flying a kite.
You're welcome to join us.
Alright, Joannie,
that is score one for you
but from now on,
this is total w*r.
- w*r, you got that?
- Oh, yeah, loud and clear.
Now, would you mind telling me
what you are screaming about?
Go ahead and play dumb.
I'm getting just
a little sick and tired
of this ingenue bit.
Using David was
a very tacky move.
David? What does David
have to do with this?
Nothing. That is just my point.
So you can tell him
and anybody else
that you wish to drag into this,
to mind their own business.
Because nothing and nobody
is gonna come between
Roger and me. Got that?
Oh, that's very romantic.
Very romantic.
But I wouldn't count on it,
little sister.
- Roger knows who he likes.
- So do I, big sister.
And people I don't like,
I don't stay with.
Ciao.
Big deal.
[door slams]
Tommy, do we still have
that umbrella tent dad bought
the time he promised
to take us camping?
Yeah, it's over there.
I'm asking bucks for it.
Including a certified affidavit
that this family
never slept in it.
Well, you have to change that.
I'm sleeping in it tonight.
Ah, no, no, I'm sorry, Susan
but, uh, I can't
let you do that.
You see, the depreciation
between new and used is brutal.
If you take it from me, the
capital loss could be tragic!
Tommy, I'm just a little
too hassled right now
to be hassled by you, okay?
Well, maybe we can work
something out
to fit your budget.
Tommy, I'm your sister.
Blood is blood,
and business is business.
Good morning!
Happy Saturday.
Oh, boy, it's
a beautiful day outs..
'What the heck?'
There's a tent
in our backyard!
You're right,
that's the backyard
and that's the tent, dad.
[chuckles]
Isn't anybody going to tell me
what it's doing out there?
- Depreciating.
- Susan's living in it.
Any special reason?
Yeah, to save her health.
To save her health, of course.
Cogito ergo sum bananas.
Uh-huh. Whoa.
What was that, dad?
Well, as a famous philosopher
once said..
"I think, therefore I am."
Going bananas.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Hi. Hey, listen, if you're
gonna yell for Nicholas
let me get out
of range first, okay?
I can go in the kitchen,
see if he's there.
I haven't had breakfast.
It's worth a try.
[chuckles]
- Hi, Terry.
- Hi, Nicholas.
What you eating?
Uh, the usual. Help yourself.
Well, since you asked.
Wanna practice today?
- Can't.
- You gotta, game's tomorrow.
My dad wants me to go
with him today and tomorrow.
But you can't.
Who's gonna play third base?
That's your problem. I already
have enough of my own problems.
I may never see anyone else
but my dad again.
Hmm. Guess I'll have
to get Missy Capleton.
Missy Capleton?
You're giving my position
to a girl with glasses?
What else am I gonna do?
It's not my fault you have
to babysit your father.
You can't insult my very first
pair of ballet slippers
by sticking them under a sign
that says, "Desperation Sale!"
But those ratty old things
would never sell anyway.
These authentic childhood
mementos will sell a lot faster
than your ratty
old baseball cards.
But we're not selling
my ratty old baseball cards!
Then we're not selling
my slippers. I quit.
Well, you're fired!
Some people have all the luck.
[instrumental music]
Are you ready for launch?
Yeah.
Alright.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, go!
[instrumental music]
No! No!
Oh! sh**t!
What the heck is a tree doing
in the middle of a park?
[indistinct chatter]
Hold on a second, Nicholas.
You'll get your turn.
This takes a special touch.
'Once you've got it,
you'll never lose it.'
It's just like..
...falling off a bike.
[instrumental music]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nicholas playing Indian?
No. Susan's playing hermit.
Oh.
I guess I better
try talking to her.
Uh, I wouldn't advice it.
I wouldn't advice
talking to Joannie either.
[sighs]
As predicted,
you're on two blacklists.
(David)
'In other words,
it's not the best time'
'for me to move home.'
(Mary)
'You wanna move home?'
(David)
'Not exactly.'
'But since last night
things are pretty'
uncomfortable
around my apartment.
David, do you realize what's
happening to this family?
Susan and Joannie
are fighting over Roger.
Both blame you
for sides you didn't take.
Neither one of 'em
is speaking to you.
'You're practically exiled
from your own apartment.'
'Not to mention the fact
that you're out of a job.'
Elizabeth is about
ready to quit.
Tommy is about
ready to fire Elizabeth.
I'm trying to play peacemaker.
So, they both hate me.
'I'd say the, the natives
are getting pretty restless.'
Hmm.
Hi, Mrs. Abbott,
didn't see you there.
(Mary)
Uh, a little family discussion.
I-I'll tell dad you were here.
He said he'd call you tonight.
Oh, uh, he'll probably
be busy, and, uh..
Well, uh, well, uh..
I-I probably
won't be home tonight.
You know, it's too bad.
Lately you guys are like two
ships that pass in the night.
Yeah, the Titanic
and the Andrea Doria.
[engine cranking]
[instrumental music]
Okay. Here we are, Nicholas.
You ordered vanilla, right?
- Uh-huh.
- There you go.
Dad, why does good things
always cause trouble?
Huh?
Well, we like to spend
a lot of time together, right?
Oh, listen, Nicholas,
the last couple of days
have been the best days
of my life.
And tomorrow
is even gonna be better.
How can it even be better
if Missy Capleton
is taking third base?
Nicholas, tell me
the truth now.
If tomorrow, you'd rather
spend it in some other way
tell me.
I don't have to, dad.
I know how you've
been counting on it.
No, no. I mean, if you'd
be happier on third base
then that's where
you should be.
- Thanks, dad.
- Okay.
But listen, can I at least come
and watch you practice?
Well, I'll have to ask
the guys about that.
Oh, yes, do that.
And what about
our swimming lessons?
Next time, can we wear
bathing suits?
[instrumental music]
[doorbell rings]
Oh, Tom, uh.. Uh, well, didn't
Mary give you my message?
Oh, I haven't even seen Mary.
It is a beautiful evening.
Let's take a walk.
- Well, where's Nicholas?
- Asleep.
He has a big game
tomorrow, come on.
[music continues]
Well, anyway, with Nicholas
out of the way
tomorrow we're free now,
we can do whatever we wanna do.
One triangle down
and two to go, eh?
What? W-what do you mean?
Joannie and Susan.
Yeah, what about them?
Tom, don't you know?
They're at each other's
throats over David's roommate.
Oh, well, they wouldn't
be Joannie and Susan
if they weren't
fighting over something.
Last week it was pantyhose,
now it's a boyfriend.
At least they're moving up into
more mature territory. Right?
Yep, but that's
just the beginning.
Look, Joannie and Susan
are also down on David.
And Roger is forcing David
out of his own apartment.
And Tommy is fighting
with Elizabeth.
And Mary is running out
of ways to keep the peace.
It'll work itself out. What time
should I pick you up tomorrow?
Tom, don't you understand?
Your whole family
is falling apart.
You don't have time to see me.
Oh, sure, I have time.
I'm seeing you now, aren't I?
Yeah, but you shouldn't be.
Look, Tom, uh..
...your life is, uh,
well, it's a like a pie
and it's cut into
eight pieces, see, and..
Well, you're stuck
right in the middle, and, uh..
Well, see, I've, um..
I've thought a lot
about this, and, um..
...I don't think there's
a slice of you left for me.
Oh, come on now. There's enough
left of me to go around.
At least five extra pounds.
Tom, I'm serious.
I think we should stop
seeing each other for a while.
Abby, you don't mean that.
Yeah, I-I do.
See, I-I need
some time to think.
Can't you think with a friend?
Can't you think while
you're teaching a friend
how to drive an old-fashioned
flipped over H?
It's a lot more to this
than learning to drive a car.
Would you please take me home?
[instrumental music]
Sorry. Didn't expect
anyone to be up.
- I'll leave.
- Oh, no, no, it's okay.
Help yourself.
It's a free country.
Bet it's cold out there.
Ooh, actually
it's invigorating.
Hmm.
How's the old room? Lonely?
Well, actually
it's, it's private.
It gives me lots
of time to think.
So does sleeping
on a sprinkler head.
[giggles]
No, it's fine.
[both laugh]
You know, Joannie..
we have been fighting
over peanut butter sandwiches
and new blouses
and places at this table
ever since the first time
they put me in your playpen.
Ha! Our playpen.
As in our bedroom.
- This is really dumb.
- I know.
I mean, how did we let this
happen to us again?
Beats me.
Well, Roger must've
stirred something
in us strong and subtle.
Susan.
Oh, Roger didn't give you that
ridiculous line too, did he?
Didn't sound so
ridiculous at the time.
Oh, I know.
At least you didn't have
to sit through
Syria's answer to Rod McKuen,
uh, Hashi Al Qatari.
Oh, yeah?
"Love is like
the fragrance of the wind.
(both in unison)
"Brief as a flash of sunlight
on the burning sand.
And everlasting
as a desert night."
[both laugh]
Oh, that's what I like
best about Roger.
He treated us both separate,
but equal, equal.
Oh, yeah.
I think we owe him
a debt of gratitude.
Oh, I'll say we owe him.
How do you wanna pay him back?
Oh, I don't know,
but whatever it is
it has to be strong..
(both)
And subtle.
[laughing]
Aww.
- I love you.
- Susan.
[instrumental music]
[knock at door]
- Hi.
- Hi.
I know it was presumptuous
of me to call you
so late, but I just
had to see you.
No, that's cool,
I love late dates.
- They're spontaneous.
- I brought the bubbly.
And that's what I call
planning ahead.
- And I brought the glasses.
- What is this?
Uh, w-well,
do you need it spelled out?
Yeah, we've just
decided not to fight
over you anymore, Roger.
Yeah, that wasn't
fair to any of us.
Now, think about it.
This is the only solution
that makes any sense at all.
Yeah.
I've heard
about these arrangements
but, uh, I've never
really been part of them.
Oh, the best is yet to come.
Uh, uh.
[giggling]
Hi.
[knock at door]
Oh, not again.
[sighs]
David!
I had absolutely not--
(in unison)
Hello, Roger, dear.
[exhales sharply]
- Hey.
- Oh, hi, dad.
Well, you know,
starting a business
sure gives a guy an appetite.
Yeah, well, everything
gives you an appetite.
Uh, w-where is everybody?
I don't know,
They didn't punch out.
Oh. Uh, well, alright,
I might as well start with you.
Uh, now listen, Tommy,
I hear that
you and Elizabeth
are having problems.
No. Well, I mean,
we were
but I finally backed down
and gave her a raise.
You know, sometimes I think
I'm too soft for my own good.
[indistinct chatter]
- Please, quiet now, quiet.
- Hi, dad.
Quiet, I wanna
talk to everybody.
Okay, quiet!
Dad is making a speech.
No, no, no, no.
This is not a speech.
I want to apologize
to everybody
because the last few days, I've
been concentrating on Nicholas
and I've been
neglecting all of you.
Well, I want you
to know that's over.
And now, I apologize,
and I want you to know
I'm here to solve
all of your problems.
What problems, dad?
Uh, well, for one thing,
you and Susan.
I hear that you've been
having a terrible feud.
- Oh, not us, dad.
- No, we worked it out.
Oh, they-they worked it out.
Good, very good.
Uh, David, I hear
that you've been having
a big problem
with your roommate.
Oh, no, no.
It's all worked out.
'Roger's moved home
to his mother.'
He did, huh?
Heh. What do you know.
Uh, that's good.
Mary, uh, haven't I been putting
too much responsibility
on your shoulders?
No, dad, nothing
I couldn't work out.
Oh, dad, you shouldn't
worry so much.
We can work out
our own problems.
Yes, you sure can.
You're so good at it in fact
perhaps you'd consider
working out my problem.
Maybe we can work out
a deal to fit your budget.
[overlapping chatter]
Okay, everybody,
no pushing or shoving.
There's still plenty of time
and still plenty
of great bargains.
Check everything thoroughly
but don't pick up anything
you don't plan to buy.
Uh, I'd like to point out
some of the great bargains
over on the book table
there for you
if you wanna take a check.
- "Peter Rabbit?"
- Oh, uh..
It's a collector's item.
Look, the first
pages are filled
with illustrated cartoons
by Nicholas.
[chuckles]
Well, uh, don't tell Tommy.
He'll raise the price.
[car honking]
Hi, Abby. I'm glad
you decided to drop by.
Well, I promised Tommy I'd buy
something, and that's all, Tom.
- Oh.
- But you can help me shop.
Good, then the day
is not a complete loss.
Can I interest you
in a slightly used tent?
Doesn't Susan need it?
No, everything's alright now.
Susan's back at her room
with Joannie.
David's back
in his apartment.
So fast.
Well, how did you do it?
Oh, it's an old Bradford motto.
Good things happen
to him who waits.
If it happened for them,
I figure it's bound
to happen to me, so..
...that's what I want
you to know, Abby.
That's where I'll be.
Waiting.
I'll remember that.
[instrumental music]
Okay, gross before
business expenses
leaves us with $..
That's all?
Well, hey,
the small stuff went
but we couldn't get any action
on the class items.
What class items?
Alright, now deduct $.
for overhead.
What overhead?
Fixed costs,
like, uh, sales commission
supplies, management services.
Which leaves us
with a net total of $..
Thirty-one dollars
and forty-six cents?
That's hardly more than
ten dollars for each of us.
No, that's more like $
for the junior partners
and in the neighborhood of $
for the front office.
Oh, wait a second,
wait a minute.
No, no, no. You know what?
A deal is a deal.
Sixty-seven percent
for the front office
and thirty-three percent
for the minority share holders.
We worked for two days.
That's, that's
like cents an hour.
Now, that's
the risks of business.
Oh.
Hey, if you wanted
a sure thing
you should've stuck
with babysitting.
The front office?
Well, it's...lonely at the top.
You know what I mean,
sweetheart?
[instrumental music]
Ow!
[theme music]
02x03 - Triangles
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.