02x05 - Mortgage Burning Blues

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Elizabeth,

wanna play softball?

I don't feel much

like it right now, Nicholas.

What's the matter?

Well, Friday night's

the class dance

and I don't have

anybody to go with.

Why don't you go by yourself?

Without a date? Are you kiddin'?

I couldn't do that!

Alright, so you can ask.

Nicholas, I don't ask.

I have to wait to be asked.

Okay. How long

are you gonna wait?

With my luck, forever.

Lately, I can't

even get arrested.

You mean you have to get

arrested just to get a date?

No, no.

You see, gettin' arrested..

Well, it's a figure

of speech, you know, like--

Boy, if you have to get

arrested just to get a date

I'd rather be a bachelor.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh, rats!

- Elizabeth?

- 'I'm helping Mary.'

I'll help you

with the other end.

I don't think you're

tall enough to reach, Nicholas

but thanks anyway.

Testing, one, two, three.

Testing.

Tommy, can you

give me a hand, please?

I can't. I'm testing.

One, two, three.

Elizabeth!

Ready for some more.

(Elizabeth)

'I'm helping Mary.'

(Tommy)

'Testing, one, two, three..'

- I'll help you, Susan.

- Okay.

Uh, Nicholas, I think

you're a little too small

for this kind of work.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi, Joannie.

What's that?

This is the ceremonial urn.

See, Nicholas, tonight,

dad's gonna take the mortgage

which after years

is all paid up

and he's gonna

place it in the urn.

And then, he will ignite it

and the house will be ours.

'Free and clear.'

Yeah, but what's that?

Well, it's all a wok.

A Chinese frying pan.

Doesn't have any bottom.

- 'Nicholas!'

- I'm helpin' Joannie!

[instrumental music]

(Max)

And then, Elizabeth, who must

have been all of three

at the time,

came walking along the beach

carryin' a crab.

She walked over

to Tom who was lying there

stretched out the sun,

says "Here, daddy."

Drops the crab right

into this stuffed celery.

Uh, by the way,

where is the Lord of the manor?

- Stuffin' celery.

- Oh, good.

Hope you're havin' a good time.

Look what I have, everybody.

Little, happy, happy soy roll.

Tom, Tom. Abby,

I want you to meet Hank.

This is the boss

I've been complaining about.

Hi, hi!

- 'Oh, hi, David!'

- Hi, David.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

I got hung up.

You know how it is,

when you work behind a desk

you can't always leave

when the whistle blows.

[indistinct chatter]

Thank you, thank you,

I knew you'd understand.

Alright, let's get

this show on the road.

- Ready?

- Alright, let's do it.

- Alright!

- Sit here.

Now, you ready?

Ladies and gentlemen

Welcome to the Bradford

mortgage burnin' party.

[cheering]

For the past long years,

on the first of every month

we have made our little

should I say little, our big

mortgage payment to the bank.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

after long hard years

this place such as it is..

...is finally

and completely ours!

[cheering]

And to celebrate

this very festive occasion

we have brought to you

direct from upstairs

[all laughing]

that wonderful

little Tommy Bradford

and his big brother, David,

singing for you

a little song, a little ditty,

that should be very appropriate

for the occasion.

Take it away, Tommy and David!

[cheering]

[guitar music]

This here's a song

about a house and the people

that came there to live.

♪ When Tom and Joan found

a little old barn of a place ♪

♪ All kinds of windows

and lots of empty space ♪

♪ A big backyard and a roof ♪

♪ That leaked like a sieve ♪

♪ Joan says

this is the place for us ♪

♪ And Tommy to put up

a fuss but he says ♪

♪ Honey I got one little doubt ♪

♪ Though it's good

to have some spares ♪

♪ What are we gonna do

with all them rooms upstairs? ♪

♪ But Joan just smiles and says

we'll work somethin' out ♪

♪ So it's four and a half

percent per annum ♪

♪ Plus carrying charges

home insurance ♪

♪ Tax and pounds

you know.. ♪

♪ Four and a half

percent per annum ♪

♪ For years ♪

♪ Now it's all paid off ♪

♪ And we're gonna

find them.. ♪

♪ That owning your own home ♪

♪ Brings ♪♪

[cheering]

Bravo!

'Bravo! Bravo!'

Thank you, and now

for the moment

we've all been waiting for.

May we have

the mortgage, please?

[all laughing]

Nicholas?

- Now?

- Now.

Oh.

Now, ladies and gentlemen

as you see, we have here

a -year-old mortgage.

I want you to watch closely

as I put the mortgage

into the silver plate.

We then take a match thusly

and you are going to be amazed.

Wow.

[all cheering]

Bravo!

Seriously, I remember

the first time

that Joan and I

ever saw this house.

We were sitting in the car,

right out front.

And we just sat in the car,

and we stared at the house.

It needed a paint job

and it was much more money

than we could afford.

But somehow..

Gosh, I don't know how we did it

but we did scrape up

the down payment.

And we got it painted.

I mean, it took

a full summer of weekends

and by August st it was

half green and half white.

[all laughing]

But then, alas!

The plumbing backed up.

Six hundred dollars worth.

And three weeks of hardwork

at eating off paper plates.

But it's years later now

and...house still needs

a...little painting.

And the plumbing

still isn't...terrific

but it's ours.

It would be so nice if..

Congratulations, Tom,

it's all yours.

- Hey!

- It's your house, daddy.

[indistinct chatter]

Have I told you

how lovely you look tonight?

Thanks, Max.

Oh, David,

the song was so good!

- Thanks.

- Song? It was a verbal history.

Was kinda like the Bradford

version of "Roots", huh?

Hey, David, David,

you gotta hear this.

Uh, Merle Haggard's calling.

It's no big thing,

I just think you and Tommy

should consider

singing at the Spectrum.

Spectrum? No, wait,

that's the big time.

People like Roy Clark

and Bonny Ray play there.

Every Monday night,

the Spectrum has a hoot night.

Anybody that wants to,

can get up and perform.

'You'd be surprised

at the talent'

'that's been discovered there.'

You really serious?

The owner

is a good buddy of mine.

Just pick a Monday night.

Let me know.

You're on.

Let me know.

Hey, hey, you don't

think we could..

What if..

- We could get some exposure.

- Maybe cut a novel.

- Make a lot of bread.

- Groupies.

- Lot of bread.

- Lots of groupies.

[chuckling]

Any calls?

Thank you.

- Did you find it?

- I think maybe.

Take a look at this measurement

along the south wall.

- See what they did?

- Mm-hmm.

They drew it as one length,

but they listed it as another.

Son of a g*n! Geez!

I'm glad you caught that.

You know, that, that could

have cost a lot of money.

Hey, any news

on the test?

No.

- Nervous?

- I breezed right through it.

Piece of cake.

Well, you're a better

man than me, my boy.

I studied for that thing

for three solid months.

I was a wreck

waitin' for the results.

Yeah, I remember,

it was just before when we had

our first kid, you know.

And I was workin'

out at Crescent Junction.

And one day, one of the guys

comes runnin' out.

He says, "Hey, Ben." He says,

"Emily just had a baby."

I said "That's nice."

But ain't news

about my contractor's license.

[laughing]

Wait a minute.

I think it's the mailman.

I'll be right back.

[instrumental music]

Elizabeth.

Hey, Tommy.

Take it easy on the door.

We own the place now.

David's dropped out of the act.

(Mary)

'He did what?'

He said he wasn't

gonna get up on stage

and make a fool of himself.

He can't do that.

Mary, he can do it if he wants

to. He's an adult now.

He can choose his own actions.

You call coping out on Tommy

like that being an adult?

She's right, dad.

I mean, the show must go on.

The show is going on.

With or without David,

I'm performing

at the Spectrum,

Monday night.

You sure about that, son?

David can chicken out

if he wants to

but I can handle it myself.

[instrumental music]

He's back pounding nails

when he flunked his exam.

Exam? What exam?

It was contractor's license.

You mean he didn't tell you?

- No.

- That's typical.

Close to the chest

all the way.

You see I got more work

than I can handle

so I made a deal with David.

You get your

contractor's license

work for me for a while

as my assistant

and then subcontract for me.

You mean, the job

was only temporary?

I'm afraid so,

it was all dependent

upon him getting that license.

So he's back on construction.

Well, I wasn't about

to lose a worker like him.

So, I, I got him back

swingin' a hammer

instead of swingin' a pencil.

I'm sorry.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- You're taking me to lunch.

- Mm-hmm.

Why, I mean, uh,

what's the occasion?

Oh, because, because

it's a pretty day.

'Cause I, because

I just got a raise.

Who needs an occasion?

The real reason is, if I pay,

I get to pick the place.

[chuckles]

I see he's already taken you

to his favorite little spot.

The Jalisco Hotdog Pit.

Right. And that's what

it is too. The pits, right?

Twenty-seven brands

of heartburn on a bun.

What? Wait a minute.

You mean, you really

don't like that place?

I would like to sneak out

in the dead of night

and burn that place to the

ground as a public service.

- It's a good idea.

- Hmm.

Not even the Pomo sausage with

the chili and the sauerkraut?

I love that.

[guitar music]

I have a test tomorrow

on the central nervous system

and my central nervous system

is beginning to fray

around the edges.

Elizabeth, I've gotta

get my act together.

Yeah, couldn't you get it

together a little more quietly

like, maybe in Alaska.

Look, when the Eagles play,

people pay to listen.

Hah. I'm payin'.

I'm payin'. Believe me.

How's it goin'?

A little frayed

around the edges.

I can really use

the other guitar.

- David?

- Yeah.

Well, listen. I'll just go

to the library. It's okay.

Oh, hey, I don't wanna

drive you out of the house.

It's okay.

I'll drive myself.

Library will be better

for nervous system.

Okay.

[guitar music continues]

- Hey!

- Hey!

I just like to say,

that I like music

and I like what you're playing,

but you've been playing

the same thing for the last

minutes, so please try

something different

before I get violent.

[door slams shut]

- Girls.

- Yeah.

[knock on door]

Coming.

- Hi.

- What?

Wanna talk to you about Tommy.

Talk.

Okay, David, if you'd rather

have an argument with me

out here on your front porch,

that's just fine with me!

You know,

Tommy will get over it.

Oh, well,

the Spectrum thing, sure.

I was thinking more of Tommy's

opinion of his older brother.

Aren't you being

a little dramatic?

I don't think so.

David, Tommy looks up to you.

You're his idol.

Oh. Well, uh,

that's his problem.

I don't remember

applying for the job.

- David, come off--

- Look!

Mary, if Tommy wants to get up

there and make a fool of himself

let him, I got better

things to do with my time.

David, you only failed one lousy

test. What's the big deal?

[sighs]

I got cut down once this week.

And I don't need it again.

Just go.

I'm sorry.

Go be sorry

somewhere else, okay?

[instrumental music]

Okay.

And then the girl says..

"Okay, but what will we do

with your guitar?"

[laughing]

When Mister, uh.. No, uh,

let's drop the Mister stuff.

Um, when the MC said

that this was the first time

on stage for me, actually,

that wasn't quite the truth.

You see, I have worked

on a stage before.

Riding shotgun.

[laughing]

Oh, hi, dad,

I was just polishing

my opening monologue

for tomorrow night.

- Yes, I heard.

- Oh. What do you think?

Oh, well, uh,

to tell you the truth, son

it's a little weak.

You see,

telling jokes is an art.

It-it requires eye contact

with the audience

and pausing at the right moment,

setting up the punchline.

And also requires good material.

Oh, I've got plenty of that.

Just sit down.

I wanna, I wanna try

one out on you.

You see, a funny thing

happened to me

on the way

to the Spectrum tonight.

I was cruising along

and all of a sudden

I hear all these

lights and sirens.

'And then this guy

pulls me over, gets out'

comes over and sticks a size

boot against my vehicle

knocks it over, takes out

this little black book

and starts to write me up

for pedaling without a license.

[laughing]

What's the matter,

didn't you get it?

I got it.

Would you like it back?

No, no. You don't

understand. You see..

That's another rule, Tommy.

If you have to explain the joke,

that means that it didn't work.

- But--

- Keep polishing it up.

It'll get better.

Shucky Bradford.

Yeah, at least,

you like my jokes.

[knock on door]

- Mind if I come in?

- Yeah. Come on in.

Mary, I wanna try a joke

out on you. Sit down.

See, a funny thing

happened to me on the way

to the Spectrum tonight.

I was cruising along,

and all of a sudden

I hear all these

lights and sirens.

'And then this guy

pulls me over'

'gets out of his car

and comes over..'

David, I'm not

trying to interfere.

I agree that

you're old enough to.. Come on.

I'm not askin' you to perform.

[softly]

I'm not askin' you to perform.

I'm just askin' you to come down

there and sit in the audience

and give Tommy

moral support by your presence.

Dad, I understand your point,

but I've got plans for tonight.

Well, plans can be changed.

Look, dad, I'm sorry,

there's someone here.

Hey, look at that.

[indistinct chatter]

- You look good.

- Hey, this is some nice dress.

Dana, come on, come on.

We're late.

- I did the embroidery.

- Yeah. Good job, Nancy.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, real nice.

That's not fair!

'That's not fair!'

What's not fair?

I ought to be

allowed to go too.

No, no, we've been over this

before. You're too young.

But what about Tommy

and Elizabeth?

They aren't grown-up either.

Son, we have

to draw the line somewhere.

Boy, that stinks.

I couldn't agree more.

But guess what?

There's a brighter side.

Abby and I are gonna stay

home and babysit with you.

I'm not a baby.

Oh, no, of course, not.

That's just a figure of speech.

Like, um..

- Like getting arrested?

- Like..

No, no, no.

I don't think so.

Hey, look, suppose

we, uh, change the word?

Instead of babysit,

we make it, um, boysit?

No, that's sexist

Child sit.

Kidsit?

Hey, kidsit.

How about kidsit?

Hm, kidsit.

Maybe kidsit.

♪ Guess the one's

who really need the light ♪

♪ Are the one's who turn away ♪

♪ Open up ♪

♪ Baby won't you open up? ♪

♪ Open up ♪

♪ Baby won't you open? ♪

♪ Baby won't you open up? ♪

♪ Oh darling

now baby won't you open? ♪

♪ Baby won't you open up? ♪

Oh, boy.

That's $ rent.

Uh, no, no.

The rent is a $.

Yeah, but the card says,

with the hotel it's $.

Quick, lend me, uh, $.

I can't do that,

it's against the rules.

Oh, come on, now,

you're not gonna let little

eight-year-old kid wipe me out.

Thank you, Merv, baby.

That was wonderful.

And now, for the first time

on any stage, let's give

'a great big Spectrum welcome

to Tommy Bradford.'

[cheering]

Uh..

I suppose you're all

kind of wondering how I got

on the Spectrum bill

here tonight.

Actually, this was my price

for placing second

in a local talent contest.

Uh...the winner

got a two-week subscription

to the "Atlantic Monthly."

'Uh, but, serious-seriously

folks, uh, this is a really'

a step up

from the last place I played.

Boy, he'd talk about dives,

they had a dime cover charge

to keep out the rip-raff.

Uh, no, the-the Spectrum

is-is really beautiful.

I'm really glad to be here,

it's-it's really where it's at.

One other thing before I start.

This song

was originally arranged

for two people

with the other guy

playing the guitar.

So, if it sounds

like I hit a wrong chord

or I'm singing a harmony,

you're probably hearing right.

Psst.

Hey, darlin',

don't clap like that.

He's liable

to tell another joke.

Hey, uh,

I'm sorry I'm late.

That's okay, I was just

warming 'em up. Are you ready?

Yeah.

[guitar music]

♪ When you're down ♪

♪ And troubled ♪

♪ And you need

some loving care ♪

♪ And nothin' ♪

♪ Nothin' is going right ♪

♪ Close your eyes

and think of me ♪

Hey, which one of you

boys is Sonny

'and which one

of you is Cher?'

Hey, why don't you

stuff a plug in it

so the rest of us

can enjoy the show, huh?

Well, how're you gonna

enjoy the show

with them two au pairs

singing like that?

♪ You just call out my name ♪

Hey, those guys are trying

real hard up there.

So, how about you

giving 'em a break, huh?

Oh, how about you

give me a break, huh?

How about you gettin'

your hands off me?

Hey, hey, now, come on,

don't play hard to get.

'Cause I seen you

over there giving me the eye.

Giving you the eye?

[screaming]

[indistinct chatter]

[glass shatters]

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Here.

Are you alright?

Get out of here

before you get hurt.

[men yelling]

[woman screams]

Would you repeat

that last part, please?

You're not gonna believe this.

I have seven kids in jail.

[instrumental music]

(Tom)

Now, I shouldn't get nervous.

There must be

a logical explanation.

Only, what could be logical

about seven kids being in jail?

Maybe they got

the wrong Bradford.

How many Bradfords in Sacremento

have seven children?

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Well, honey, well..

They've got them

in two different facilities.

So, if you could go down

to juvenile hall, uh..

and pick up, uh,

Nancy and Elizabeth

and Tommy, and then I can

go over to adult hall

or senior,

whatever they call that

and pick up the rest of them.

- Okay.

- Dad, can I go with you?

Oh, no, no. We have to get

a babysitter for him.

- Kidsitter.

- A kidsitter, right.

Okay, let me see now.

"Animal", "Auto", "Backpack--"

You'll never find it

in the "Yellow Pages."

Well, I never had to hire

a babysitter, kidsitter before.

I always used one

of the kids, except once.

David was a little boy

and we got the person

across the street.

It was a cousin of the people

who live across the street.

I've got her, I've got her.

She's one of my students,

and she'll be perfect.

Oh, I don't know if I'll find

this in the "Yellow Pages."

- What are you lookin' for now?

- A bail bondsman.

[instrumental music]

You know, we're waiting

here almost an hour.

Well, let's hope Mr. Samson

is more confidential

and sympathetic

than he is prompt.

- Mr. Bradford?

- Yes.

I'm John Samson,

bail bondsman.

Though a few

more nights like tonight

I'm gonna try

whole sale dry goods.

What a big nothin'.

Two BNDs,

one DWI and three BIs.

No BLTs?

You wanna joke?

I charge by the hour.

Oh, no, no. please, Mr. Samson,

this is not a joke.

We-we have a problem here

of-of disturbing the peace.

You're disturbing

my peace if you got me

out of bed for a lousy DP.

Well, your ad did say

any time day or night.

I exaggerated.

And they're throwin' in

a nice disorderly conduct

just for good measure.

Oh, well,

that's a little bad.

Okay.

DP, DC, NP.

- NP?

- No problem.

Four of them, right?

Well, yes, on the DP

and on the DC, there are five

but actually,

there are seven on the QT.

Seven? H-how many people

are we talkin' about?

Well, don't look at me, uh..

The Hole-in-the-Wall g*ng

belongs to him.

Uh, Mr. Bradford, please?

Yes.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Samson--

If you don't mind,

I don't take shorthand.

Uh, yeah. Listen, Mr. Samson.

Oh, gosh, I don't think

we're gonna be

needing your services.

'The sergeant said that

the court has decided'

'to release the kids

on their own recognizance.'

The sergeant, not me.

Uh, well, I-I'll go

pick up the juveniles

and I'll meet you

back at the hideout.

The sergeant said that.

[instrumental music]

I don't think it's so funny.

I've never been

so embarrassed in all my life.

Juvenile hall. I was supposed

to be in that big house.

So, next time we get busted,

remember to bring your ID.

(Tommy)

You know what really bugs me?

It's weird

you're startin' to cook.

Oops, better put some more

bread and water on.

Sounds like the rest

of the jailbirds are comin' in.

Hey, hard-case, how'd you get

out of the joint so fast?

Listen, small fry,

when you're done

as much hard time

as I have--

Oh, I've been in and out

of this near miss

so many times, they got

a cell with my name on.

Alright. Quiet down,

all of you.

And when you stop laughing,

maybe you'd like to hear

what this immature, inexcusable

terrible behavior's

gonna cost us!

Here. Item. The Spectrum.

The Spectrum neon light.

The chairs, the table.

The microphone, the speaker.

The big glass mirror that used

to hang up behind the bar.

Oh, but, dad,

we didn't do that.

Item. David's future.

Do you know what, David? Do you

know what you're charged with?

"as*ault with a deadly w*apon."

- Dad, that's stupid.

- Item. Legal fees.

For all seven of you.

I don't know whether

they charge by the person

or by the offence, but either

way it's a very tidy sum.

Hey, wait a minute, dad.

I have a friend from school,

absolutely brilliant.

Passed the bar exam

without ever even studying.

Five Beta Kappa.

Law review, the whole works.

Look, I-I'm sure he'd give us

a break on legal fees

seeing he's a good friend

and so, so new and all.

- Oh, how new?

- Two weeks.

Listen, the important thing

is to have a lawyer

when you go to the court.

Remember when I got arrested

during the sit-ins?

Who forgets?

The charges usually get reduced

to something the judge

can handle by just givin' out

a stiff fine and it's over.

Oh, thanks, Mary.

That's another thing.

Item. Stiff fines.

Put the emphasis on stiff.

And how come, Mary,

of all the kids

'you were charged

with resisting arrest?'

[snickering]

I don't know. I guess

some habits just die hard.

I wanna hear what happened.

Not now, Nicholas. We'll tell

you about it tomorrow.

But it already is tomorrow.

We said later, Nicholas.

It's always later.

I'm never included

like anyone else.

Although, I wouldn't

worry about that.

Just stay yourself.

You mean, stay small?

No, I mean, uh, don't change

to be just, you know

just to be one of the mob.

Stay Nicholas.

Inside, where it counts.

[instrumental music]

They only got through

one and a half verses

before the fight broke out.

Yeah, it was really

somethin' else.

They were throwing tables

all over the place

and chairs and people and guys.

Just a second.

Joannie, what's with

all the papers?

Eh, the newsboy has

a sense of humor. Eight copies.

Melee at the Spectrum!

Extra! Extra!

Read all about it!

Hey, we made the paper.

What page?

- Eleven.

- Only page ?

- Yeah. It's right here.

- Oh, here it is, you guys.

Next to the last page.

Here it is.

Listen, okay. Um..

"Melee at the Spectrum.

"A new riot broke out

last night at the Spectrum

a country music club

on North Main Street--"

Hey, uh,

what's with these people?

I mean, we're in between club

and garden news

and the obituaries.

Better have a talk

with your press agent, Tommy.

Hey, come on, guys,

there's more of it.

"Though several people

were involved in the fracas

"only one person,

William Buff Cody,

"a truck driver, was injured.

"A spokesman for the Spectrum

said the damages

were in

the neighborhood of $."

Yeah.

"David Bradford, ,

one of the two Bradford brothers

"performing at the time

is charged with as*ault

"allegedly having

hit Cody with his guitar.

"Bradford is the son

of Tom Bradford

columnist for this paper."

They didn't even

mention my name.

Oh.

That's showbiz, kid,

you know.

I mean, one day you're a star

the next day,

they don't know who you are.

Man, what a rag.

Hey, buddy, this rag

happens to pay the bills.

Hey, I-I wonder

what's on dad's column today.

Here, you guys,

on the last page.

"A capital idea by Tom Bradford.

"In light of the increasing

v*olence in our present society

perhaps we should have a better

look at capital punishment."

Good timin', dad.

Hits it every time.

[laughing]

Could you guys come downstairs?

Chuck, this is Joannie

and Nancy.

Actress, beauty expert.

- And David.

- Oh, ADW.

Oh, okay,

and Susan.

The ring leader,

threw the first punch, right?

Yeah, well, I was mad.

Now, I'm bound by oath

to tell you that v*olence

is never a way

to settle problems.

- Yeah, but that drunk--

- Do you understand what I said?

- Yeah, but--

- Good, fine.

Let's get on with it.

Alright, my plan is simple.

Attack.

We're gonna fill the air

with legalities

and the court with subpoenas.

We're gonna start

by suing the Spectrum

for not adequately protecting

it's employees and patrons.

'We're gonna find that heckler,

and we're gonna request'

the court to charge him

with inciting to riot.

Maybe I can get

a change of venue.

But, Chuck, what can

I expect in the ADW?

Oh, I'm really looking forward

to fighting that one.

Now, I need to know whether

the guy you hit provoked you

'or threatened you

in any manner whatever.'

Oh, no, no, no.

Wait, wait a minute.

David didn't hit anybody.

Do you have any witnesses

to that effect?

Oh, we can plea bargain that

charge down to simple as*ault.

Simple as*ault?

I didn't hit anybody.

Tell it to the judge.

- Ah, don't tell me, you're..

- Nicholas.

Right, the one

that wasn't arrested.

- Yeah, can I talk to you?

- Sure.

What's the best way

to get arrested?

And beat the charge?

No. And to go to jail.

[typewriter keys clacking]

"When I was younger, things

seemed to be a lot simpler."

It's gonna be one of those

kinda articles, huh?

One crummy week.

It's your final word

on the subject

or you wanna try

for ten days?

What are you talkin' about?

I haven't the faintest idea.

What are you talking about?

I finally got out from under

for one crummy week.

No payments, no expenses.

The house

is finally completely mine.

And now, tomorrow, I have to go

to the bank and borrow $.

Is that gonna cover

court costs too?

Court costs?

What time is it?

I have to see the city attorney

at o'clock.

- What's he want?

- I don't know what he wants.

He probably wants

to give me a special award

for having the most kids

in jail over a -hour period.

Yeah, the Nobel

Disturbing-The-Peace Prize.

[instrumental music]

For openers, let me tell you

I'm prejudiced in this case.

- Oh?

- And in your favor.

Oh.

Over the years

that I've read your columns

I, uh, I've come

to feel that I know you

and your family

to some extent.

That piece that you did on, uh,

"Wanting to resign as a father"

that really hit home.

Thank you.

So I'm not about to make

a reputation for myself

as a fearless prosecutor

by sending your family

to various institutions.

That's very nice,

Mr. Wickes.

Okay, so..

Why don't you speak

to the owner of the Spectrum

and see if you can

get him to drop the charges?

You tell him

it's alright with me.

Between you and me, I, uh..

I think that the Spectrum enjoys

a fight or two periodically.

It gives the place

a reputation.

Oh, that's very nice of you,

Mr. Wickes, thank you.

I'll go over

and see him right now.

Oh, uh, does that

include the ADW?

That's a different matter.

The guy who's pressing

that charge is pretty sore.

Excuse the pun.

No, but you see, David

swears he never hit anyone.

I believe him too,

he wouldn't lie to me.

Not about something like that.

Those are nice sentiments,

Mr. Bradford

but they're not

worth a thing in court.

Now, look.

I've got a broken guitar

I've got a guy

with a lump on his head.

Now, that's pretty

incriminating stuff.

Now, whether I like it or not,

I'm gonna have to prosecute

your son based

on those charges.

Oh, I see.

Well, then I guess

I'll see you in court.

[instrumental music]

The way I blew

that exam, insane.

Yeah, well, uh,

actually, the exam

should be

the least of your problems.

I knew it, the minute

I walked out of that test.

Well, first of all, I hadn't

studied, I wasn't prepared.

I figured with all

the experience

I'd had in construction,

I could just wing it.

Yeah, I see, but--

But it's not

gonna happen next time

'cause the community college

has a course that prepares you

for the test.

I've enrolled.

- I start next week.

- Oh, that's just fine, David.

But you better make sure

that you can take this

as a correspondence course.

I just left the city attorney.

He said that if you're convicted

of this as*ault charge

there's a very good chance

you might wind up in jail.

(Tom)

'Do you know that the interest

rates are three times'

what they were

when I bought the house?

Three times, and they act

like you're so lucky to get it.

I had this appraiser

coming over to the house later

to see if the house

is worth $.

Five thousand dollars! The house

is worth ten times that much.

I give better interest rates.

Huh?

You know, between,

uh, my teacher's salary

and my pension

as an Air Force widow

I-I have enough money

in my savings

to lend you

the entire $.

No, I couldn't do that.

I don't understand.

Well, I mean,

that would be..

It could destroy

our friendship.

Borrowing and lending

is big business

and I wouldn't

want our friendship

to be supported

with a burden like that.

You didn't seemed

very burdened when you

landed on Nicholas' hotel

and needed $.

Come on, Abby, we're not

talkin' about play money.

You shouldn't

lend friends money.

I mean, you either give it

to them and don't expect

to get it back,

or you just don't offer it.

Okay. I'll give it to you.

I can't take it.

But you just said.

I know what I said, but I can't

take money from a woman.

A woman?

Oh, of all the old-fashioned,

male-dominating

role-playing, pig-headed--

Guilty as charged.

But I've been old-fashioned

for a long time.

So why change

a good thing, right?

No, I can change,

it's just that..

...changes don't come

easily to me.

This last year has been

nothing but changes.

But I'm trying.

Especially now

that we're together, but..

Look, just let me try to get

my family out of trouble

and then we'll start

to work on my pig-headedness.

Okay. Fair enough.

You know..

I don't see

how after that little speech

that you can allow me

to pay this bill.

Well, this might be a good time

to stop being a pig-headed.

Nancy, what's the best way

to get arrested?

I don't know, I'm still

trying to figure out

how to see

the Stevie Wonder concert--

I'm talkin' about me.

How can I get arrested?

Why would you wanna know

somethin' as tacky as that?

For school, for current events,

for a report.

Weird.

We'll see.

"Oil shortage, power shortage,

water shortage."

Here's one.

How would you like to be

a cat burglar, Nicholas?

Um, alright. Thanks, Nancy.

It's okay.

Boy, school sure has changed.

What ever happened

to Run Spot Run?

[instrumental music]

You stay here and be good.

You can take a nap.

I'll be back

in a little while.

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Next thing I know, I'm layin'

flat on my back, lookin' up.

I'm tellin' ya, dude.

I ain't never been

blindsided like that before.

And you never

even saw the guy?

No, no. I never did.

But I got his name.

And if I ever do see him

I'm gonna rip off

one of his arms though.

My name's David Bradford,

and I'm looking for Buff Cody.

Hey, take it easy.

You better make peace

with the Lord

'cause I'm fixed

to rearrange your face.

Hey, wait a minute,

I just came in to talk to you.

You're makin' a big

mistake, I never hit you.

Oh, you never did, huh?

You never did!

Then how come the first

thing I saw when I woke up

was you standing over me with

a busted guitar in your hands?

The reason

I was standing over you

was to keep the mob

from trampling you.

As for the guitar, somebody put

their foot through it.

Do you see that?

Do you see that, mister?

That's what busted

your dang guitar.

Where'd you get

the black-eye?

When I fell.

Well, everything could, could've

been the other way around?

You know, somebody popped you

in the eye, blindsided you

and you hit your

head when you fell.

Ain't no way,

'cause all that's over there

was just a little biddy

old red-headed girl

hounding that

loud-mouth drunk.

- Redhead?

- That's right.

Well, isn't it possible

that redhead might have, uh..

[laughing]

You think that's funny?

You insinuating I might've

got decked by a girl?

No, look.

I'm appealing to your

sense of fair play.

You have nothing

to lose and at the moment

I have

everythin' to gain.

[sighs]

Alright, whatcha got in mind?

I just think there's

someone you ought to meet.

- It's in the garage.

- What is?

The cat, after I burglarized it,

I put it in the garage.

I'm a cat burglar.

Oh, and I fed it some milk.

Thirty days till I retire

and I get "Dennis the Menace."

My name is Nicholas.

Aren't you gonna make me

stand over the wall

so you can frisk me?

No.

Oh, you just gonna

toss me in the cooler?

Aren't you even

gonna read me my rights?

The answer is no.

Kid, why are you

so anxious to go to the joint?

Believe me,

it ain't Disneyland.

Come on, kid.

Come clean.

I'll make you a deal.

Tell me the truth,

and I'll go easy with you.

Why did you steal the cat?

So I can be like all

my brothers and sisters.

Your brothers

and sisters steal cats?

No, they've all

been arrested.

And I'm the only one

in the whole family

that's never been arrested.

Well, that's something

to be proud of.

You're the only one

with a clean record.

[sighs]

[phone ringing]

Okay, stick out your mitts.

Your hands, kid,

stick out your hands.

You have the right

to remain silent.

You have the right

to an attorney.

If you cannot

afford an attorney

one will be provided

by the court.

[instrumental music]

No kid, don't smile.

Now, watch your step, kid,

you got a record now.

Now..

- Now do I go to jail?

- Now you go to jail.

[engine revving]

This better be good.

(David)

You'll see.

I just want you to meet

this little biddy redhead.

'Cause I don't know

where you're coming from, buddy

but you're way off base.

Won't hurt to try, will it?

Won't hurt me.

Nancy, Mary, this is Cody.

Cody, Mary, Nancy.

Yeah? Well, them

ain't the girls.

I know.

Oh, excuse me,

uh, hi, David.

Ah, ha, the, uh..

That's the bank appraiser.

- Hi, David, how's work?

- I've been better.

Joannie, Elizabeth,

this is Buff Cody.

Them ain't the girls either.

Gee! What is this, David?

Some kind of talent search.

Oh, David, do you remember the

square footage of this house?

Oh, wait a minute.

Let me think.

Hello, I'm, uh, David's father.

This is Mr. Sam..

Oh, there.

He didn't come down.

Thirty-five

hundred square feet.

No, wait,

that might be the house

we're building

out in Elmcrest.

- Where's Susan?

- Uh, Susan..

I think she's

in the kitchen. Susan!

I know this is getting

a little nutty, but..

Anybody know

where this cat came from?

Hey now, wait a minute,

there, now.

That is the girl

I seen the-the other night.

Right.

Susan, this is Buff Cody.

The man accusing me

of as*ault with a deadly guitar.

Buff, my sister.

The little beady redhead.

Now, now, just bear with me

and don't ask

any questions, alright.

- Give me the cat.

- Be careful.

Now you just stay there, Buff.

Please.

Alright, Susan,

we're gonna pretend

we're back at the Spectrum.

And I'm the drunk

insulting me up on the stage.

- Okay, now, what do you do?

- Lead with my right.

- Lead.

- David, I'm not gonna hit you.

Susan, it's either you or him.

Come on, what are you

tryin' to pull here, buddy?

Buff, I guarantee it,

you'll live through this.

Alright, give me

your best shot.

Okay.

Oh!

That's a pretty mean little

right you got there, darlin'.

I, uh, rest my case.

Uh, but I wasn't aiming at you.

I was aiming at David.

I mean, I was aiming the drunk

who was making' all noise.

Um, you're not--

- Oh, yeah, I am.

- You are?

Oh. I guess I missed.

I mean, or maybe, um, he ducked

and you got in the way.

Or, or maybe you leaned in?

Or..

Heck, I don't know.

I had my eyes closed.

That's a bad-lookin' eye.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess

you made your case, buddy.

I drop the charges.

You don't happen to get off

on Samurai movies, do you?

- Nope.

- Pardon me.

Well, thank you

for coming by, mister, um..

- It was a commotion.

- I like commotions.

I got it.

- Hello.

- Oh, my gosh.

What happened to your eye?

Dad, it's the police station.

They say they have

one of your kids there.

Oh, no. Not again.

Unh-unh, this time

they got the wrong Bradford.

- Hmm-hmm.

- Dad!

- It's Nicholas.

- Oh, it's Nicholas.

Nicholas?

Oh, no!

[instrumental music]

So, then they were

gonna lock me up

but they didn't have

a uniform my size.

So, that's when

they called you.

Well, you know,

Nicholas, you can always

go back when you get bigger.

Oh, no way, they don't

have television there.

Oh, thank goodness

for television.

- Hey, dad.

- Dad.

David and I wrote

some new lyrics to the song.

[clears throat]

[humming]

♪ Eleven point five percent ♪

♪ Per annum

plus carrying charges ♪

♪ Home insurance, tax and-- ♪♪

Out. Out! Out!

[chuckling]

So are they playing

at the Ox Club again?

Yeah, they're trying

desperately to get

that no pay-off

before the end of the year.

Excuse me, uh, the two young

men, they told me to come in.

I'm Mr. Samnenouski.

Oh yes, of course,

the man from the bank.

Uh, Abby, I want

you to meet Mr. Sam..

How do you do?

Uh, look, we have

a little problem here, uh..

You've listed

twelve rooms in this house

um, but according to my list,

there's only eleven.

Really? That's funny.

Well, no, uh,

huh, that's funny.

I'd better go check.

Did you count

the, uh, bathrooms?

So, Nicholas,

do you still feel left out?

No, but dad says

I always have to remember

I'm an important

part of the family.

But sometimes I get..

Overlooked.

Yeah, well, that's the word.

Uh, did you count

the laundry room?

(Samnenouski)

'Yes.'

You won't believe this.

Now we can only

find ten rooms!

Somebody took one.

Don't look at me,

I didn't take one.

Boy! Get a record

and everybody will pick on you.

[theme music]