[instrumental music]
Hey, Nicholas.
What are you reading?
- A book.
- Pretty big book, isn't it?
Yeah, well, I figured
big books make you smart.
William Shakespeare.
"A Midsummer Night's Dream."
Where did you get that?
Joannie's room.
'Well, how far
into it are you?'
Well, only the first page.
Well, that's pretty
tough going, isn't it?
I mean, there's no pictures.
Nope. Dad,
is Hippolyta..
Is that a good guy
or a bad guy?
Oh, well, uh,
William Shakespeare
didn't always have
good guys or bad guys
but Hippolyta was, um,
queen of the Amazons.
- The who?
- The Amazons.
They were a group
of women warriors
and she was like their chief.
Oh, like Wonder Woman!
Yes.
Sort of, right.
Boy, they ought to put this
Shakespeare guy on television.
[chuckles]
[theme music]
[music continues]
Clear the decks,
I'm very late.
Do you mind?
I'm extremely late.
Sure, go ahead, dad.
It's sugar poppies
with cinnamon bananas.
"Be kind and courteous
to this gentleman.
"Hop in his walks,
and the gambol in his eyes.
"Feed him with
apricoks and dewberries.
Purple grapes,
green figs, and mulberries."
What is it this time?
Ophelia?
No. Titania.
"A Midsummer Night's Dream."
Oh, well then, you should
talk to Nicholas
because he's been reading it.
Oh, I wondered
where my book went.
Nicki, I've been looking
all over for it.
I put it back, I didn't like it.
- Did you get the part, Joannie?
- No, not yet.
I'm auditioning for it
this afternoon.
- 'Are you nervous?'
- Oh, nervous?
Oh, no. Ha!
It's only a part.
Why am I nervous?
I hope I'm not first.
I'll die if I'm first.
(Tom)
Would you sit down
and eat, please?
- You're making me nervous.
- No, no.
I never eat before an audition.
I mean, if you want
a role badly enough
you've got to be hungry for it.
Boy, what a way
to make a living.
Tommy, this is art.
Sounds more like
punishment to me.
Oh.
(Nicholas)
'Are you gonna
play Wonder Woman?'
Uh, no, Nicki, see..
Titania is the queen
of the fairies
'and she lives in
this magical forest.'
You see, the whole
play is like..
...is like a dream.
Very spacey, and ethereal,
and, and it's like--
Oh, before you leave us
for the ethereal
'would you be sure that you
fill the car up with gas?'
No, I'm only kidding.
'Uh, good luck.
I'm rooting for you, really.'
Who was that masked man?
How's your gooseberries
and dew-drops?
[laughing]
Well, I think it's a happy play.
All about the hilarity of love.
Hey, how many of you ever
caught the movie on TV?
It's fun, right?
Yet I'm sure I don't
have to remind you
that this is live theater.
There is no cutting room floor.
But take heart..
...the People's Playhouse
is our place to make mistakes.
'To hone our craft.'
To dig deep inside ourselves.
To explore our feelings,
our emotions..
...our love.
Okay, now,
let's have some readings.
'First of all,
for the role of Titania.'
Queen of the fairies.
Now, we need someone
with the ability to hide
in acorn cups,
who dresses in garments
'fashioned of bat wings'
and who wears
a pearl necklace
made from the drops of dew.
Anyone qualify?
'Oh, our first victim,
Karen Coughlin.'
Ah, and here's
the tricky part.
- Yeah?
- Instead of ricotta, we use..
♪ Tan tara ♪
...cottage cheese.
'Cause he's on a diet?
Give the lady two chili peppers.
"Because he's on a diet."
That's good.
You ready?
- Oh, me?
- You.
- Oh, okay.
- Right here.
Okay, so, uh,
first the sauce
so it won't stick to the bottom.
- And then the noodles, right?
- Right.
And then, uh,
the cottage cheese--
- Wrong, the mozzarella.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah, the mozza..
Okay.
Abby, is there anything wrong?
You seem kinda distracted.
Yeah? Oh.
Well, I got a letter today
from my former father-in-law
Walter Abbott, and he's coming
to Sacramento on business
and he wants to see me.
So?
[sighs]
The man is a widower,
and he's all alone in the world
and since Frank died, uh..
I'm the only family he has left.
I still don't see the problem.
The problem is..
I haven't told him yet
that I'm engaged.
You haven't told him
you're engaged?
Abby, you're gonna tell him,
aren't you?
Of course, I'm gonna
tell him, but I just..
'You know, I have
to find the right moment.'
See, he's never really
adjusted to Frank's death
and, uh, and whenever I see him
it's always so, uh..
emotional, you know.
Look, why don't you
take him to lunch
tell him the truth,
and bring him here.
We'll make him
feel at home, Abby.
Yeah, okay.
'Believe me, there's enough
family to go around here.'
That's for sure.
Don't worry,
it'll work out, okay?
Hey, thanks, Mary.
I-I don't know what
I'd do without you, you know.
Starve.
Yeah, probably so.
[chuckles]
Hey, Dave!
Wait a minute.
- What's up, Freddy?
- Listen.
- You interested in any jewelry?
- Jewelry?
Yeah. See, my old man's
selling his jewelry store
and going out of business.
I can get you anything you want
at a fantastic discount.
- You need a watch?
- No, I got one.
You're planning on
getting engaged, married?
Uh, not if I can help it.
Tell you, man, he's got
a dynamite collection of rings.
Well, uh, thanks anyway, Freddy.
- I'll keep it in mind.
- Ah, you do that, Dave.
You'll like the prices, man.
[birds chirping]
I got it.
I got it!
Is it catchy?
No, no.
Not a disease, stupid.
- The part.
- The part of what, Joannie?
In the play.
I'm Titania.
Didn't Titania sink
in the North Atlantic
or something?
An iceberg, you know?
No, no, no, see.
Titania's the queen
of the fairies, and..
[laughing]
Oh, you guys are
putting me on, aren't you?
Putting you on what, Joannie?
Oh, you're impossible.
Forget it, I'm not--
Joannie, come back,
we're just kiddin'.
Yeah, come on.
Congratulations, Joannie.
Congratulations?
About what?
Oh, do you think she's upset?
Upset? About what?
[chuckling]
"The moon, me thinks,
looks with a watery eye.
"And when she weeps,
weeps every little flower
lamenting some
enforced chastity."
[neighing]
"Tie up my love's tongue
and bring him, silently."
(director)
'Oh, alright, alright,
everybody, take five.'
Uh, that was awful.
Titania and the fairies..
...fly in over here.
You want me to turn in my wings?
Joannie, you've got the talent.
Look...we've been working on
this for a week.
We're supposed to be
in the fairy world.
The magical, mystical forest.
'Not East Sacramento.'
'We're just not there.'
I know, I..
We're supposed to be
in this romantic
and irresponsible place.
I just don't know
how to get there.
You're right.
You're right, we need to be
we need to be light,
and eerie, mischievous.
[sighs]
The whole play hinges on it.
[sighing]
What..
What if I played it like, um..
...like I was
sleepwalking, you know.
Like, just my naked soul
enjoying a romp
through the purity
of the forest.
- That's it.
- What's it?
- The naked soul.
- Huh?
Why didn't I think of it before?
Of course.
I'm sure that's how
Shakespeare intended it.
"The fairy court, light
"unencumbered by realism
stripped of worldly cares."
Mark?
[dramatic music]
Shakespeare in the nude?
Well, it's just one scene,
the opening of Act .
But it's critical.
Susan, what do you
think I should do?
I think you should
give me that ice cream.
You're on a strict diet.
Hmm, I can help you
get into shape,
you can do some sit ups--
No, Susan, that's not
what I'm asking you.
I want to know if this
is the right thing?
Well, Joannie,
that's for you to decide.
[sighs]
It'd really help the play.
Besides, you know,
if I didn't do it
I'd be letting the rest
of the cast down.
They've already agreed to do it.
They'd have to re-cast Titania.
Forget the rest of
the cast, Joannie.
- What do you think?
- That's just it.
I don't know what I think.
I'm all mixed up about it.
Well, look, why don't we
just go to sleep
and see how you feel about it
in the morning?
[sighs]
- Okay, goodnight.
- Okay.
'Goodnight.'
[sighs]
Goodnight.
[sighs]
Hey, Susan..
If I do decide to do it
how do you think dad will
take it when he finds out?
He'll freak!
I know.
I just don't think I can
bring myself to tell him.
Well, if you don't tell him
he won't freak.
Are you suggesting
what I think you're suggesting?
Oh, no, not me.
I'm just talking in my sleep.
[snores]
[laughing]
Oh.
[instrumental music]
[wolf whistle]
[indistinct chatter]
Animals.
If I hear one more whistle
I'm gonna deck the guy.
[wolf whistle]
David.
Oh, David, it's you.
What's the matter?
You don't like my friends?
Oh, sure, I love guys
like that, um..
That's why I go
to the zoo so much.
Well, so, what's up?
Oh, well, um..
You see, David,
I've got this, um..
Well, it's, eh,
what I mean is that
I've been asked to-to, um..
'Well, see, David,
this is how it is.'
I've got, I mean, we..
No, I don't mean
Susan and me "We."
I mean, me and-and
a few others have been, uh..
And, uh..
- Do you wanna try?
- Uh, yeah.
Uh, Joannie's got this part
in the People's Playhouse.
Oh, I heard.
Congratulations.
- That's the big time.
- Yeah.
And she's, uh, thinking of
playing a scene in the nude.
You're kiddin'!
'David.'
Boy, that's some
publicity stunt.
David, it's not a stunt.
And, uh, and I didn't come here
for a lecture or anything.
I just wanna know if you think
I...should tell dad.
Alright.
Oh, here's what I think.
I mean, dad's always prided
himself on openness and honesty.
It's a Bradford tradition.
I mean, you've heard him.
"If you got a problem,
come to daddy.
"The lines of communication
are always open.
"If you try to see it my way,
I'll bend over backwards
to try to see it your way."
Et cetera, et cetera.
Oh, so...you think
I should tell him?
Of course not, he'll freak.
Oh.
[laughing]
Oh, oh, thank you, David.
I knew you'd help.
- Hey, uh, do me a favor.
- Yeah, anything.
When you're done
not telling dad, don't tell me.
- I don't want to know.
- Oh, thanks.
[giggling]
[instrumental music]
If any of you can talk me
out of it, speak now
or forever hold your peace.
Hey, what are you
guys doing here?
Well, that's what
we'd like to know.
Oh, good, Tommy,
I want your opinion too.
Uh, Joannie's gonna do
a nude scene on stage.
She what?
- Oh, yeah, that's great, great.
- Oh, come on, Tommy.
I'm trying to be
a serious actress
and a serious actress will
do anything to help the role.
Well, I bet you Doris Day
wouldn't do it.
Tommy, uh, if I thought
it would help the scene
I'd do the thing
on roller skates.
Yes, surely, but roller skates
don't exploit the female body.
[sighs]
This is my first
real chance to be seen.
Oh, you ain't kidding.
Yeah, think of the exposure.
Joannie, some people
even some liberal people
don't go for public nudity.
What she's trying to say is that
most people just don't dig it.
And most people
undress in the dark.
Yeah, I mean, so,
the people that don't dig it
just shouldn't
buy a ticket, right?
[sighs]
Well, look, uh..
You know, lots of
actresses have taken
their clothes off before.
Not to mention,
"The Royal Ballet"
and-and, um, shows on public TV.
Right on!
Hey, you guys, I mean
this is , right?
- She has nothing to hide.
- Right off. I'll tell you what?
When don't you send me
an eight by ten glossy
for my locker?
I'll see you.
I'm not mad.
Uh, hey, Nicholas, uh..
'did you understand what
this pow-wow is all about?'
Yeah, Joannie's gonna do porno.
[sighs]
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi.
[whirring]
- What the devil are you doing?
- I'm brushing my teeth.
Mr. Shredder's letting me
take my algebra exam over
'so I can't be late.'
- Hi, daddy.
- Oh, hi.
- What're you reading?
- I'm reading Joannie's play.
This is a marvelous play.
I'm really looking forward
to seeing it.
Listen to this.
[clears throat]
"Captain of our fairy band
"Helena is here at hand.
'"And the youth, mistook by me'
"pleading for a lover's fee.
"Shall we their
fond pageant see?
Lord, what fools
these mortals be."
- What do you think?
- Don't call us.
We'll call you.
[sighs]
What fools these children be?
That was good.
Hope I'm not interrupting
anything important.
Oh, hi, David, no, no.
You're not interrupting
anything.
I'm just talking to myself.
Oh, one of those mornings, huh?
Yeah, it's turning into one.
What brings you
around here so early?
Dad...have you thought about
giving Abby an engagement ring?
Oh, well, actually
I have thought about it
but, uh, I mean
that's a lot cheaper
than actually,
uh, buying one.
Oh, not necessarily.
What would say to a blue-eyed
one-carat diamond
engagement ring?
I don't know, I've never
talked to one before.
You would if it only
cost $, wouldn't you?
Three hundred dollars.
Oh yes, that's cheap.
I mean, don't they
cost about $?
That sounds like a real deal.
Deal nothing, it's a steal.
A guy at work's father
is going out of business.
Everything must go.
I'm gonna see the ring
this morning.
If it looks good,
are you interested?
Yes, definitely.
Call me at the office,
I'll dig up the money.
Alright, see you later.
Sounds like a classy rock.
But, then,
you're a classy guy.
I'm talking to myself again.
[knock at door]
Come in.
♪ Tada-tata ♪
♪ Tala-lala-la-ta ♪
♪ Ti-tat-ta ta-ta ♪
♪ Tada ra-rat ta-da ♪♪
- What do you think?
- I-I think it's great!
(Joannie)
'Oh, I still can't believe it.'
Eh, tell me, when
you're rich and famous
will you still remember my name?
Oh, don't be silly.
Of course I will, uh..
Uh, uh...Lory?
Um, but really,
I can't chat now.
I've got to go out
and put up
the rest of these posters.
Ta-ta!
Ta-ta.
- Mary!
- Up here!
[sighs]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How'd it go?
- Okay.
Not so okay.
Come on,
in my room, let's go.
Well, what happened?
- I didn't tell him.
- You didn't?
[sighing]
Abby.
I tried, but every time
I tried mentioning Tom
Walt would bring up Frank,
and I just couldn't.
I guess I'm just not strong
enough to do it by myself.
Well, okay. Why don't you invite
him here for dinner tonight
and he can meet dad and you..
I can't. He left town,
and he won't be back
till next Friday.
Friday?
- That's the th, isn't it?
- Yeah, why?
[sighs]
Looks like we have a little
conflict of interest.
'Doesn't it?'
Oh, boy.
'Oh, w-where are you going?'
- To confession.
- But I didn't know you were--
I'm not.
It is the, uh, opinion
of this reporter..
That's no good.
[bell rings]
It is the, uh..
It is the feeling
of this report..
- It is the--
- Fiance of this reporter?
Fiance of this report..
- Oh, oh, hi.
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- Oh, well, not bad, actually.
I was making this
powerful driving point
and right in the middle of it,
uh, I forgot what it was.
Do you want me
to come back later?
Hmm? No, no, no!
Of course not.
Eh, how about a drink?
I have some medicinal powers
in the bottom drawer.
During business hours?
Oh, why not?
I mean every news man keeps a..
...a bottle in
the bottom drawer.
Like Luke Grande,
it goes with the image.
Actually, this bottle is
older than Nicholas, but, uh..
- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing much.
Yeah, yeah, I..
There's something I, um..
I have a confession to make,
and then I have some bad news.
Oh?
Well, uh...why don't you, uh..
give me one now
and one tomorrow?
Oh, I wish I could, I can't.
See, Tom, I-I never
told you about
my father-in-law,
Walter Abbott.
'When Frank was still alive,
he and I were very close'
and...and well,
we've stayed in touch
during the years,
and, uh..
[inhales deeply]
Well, we had lunch
together today, and..
[sighs]
And what?
Well, I was gonna tell him
about you and I getting married
and...I didn't.
Oh?
Well, why didn't you?
[gasps]
I don't know, we-we got
to talking about Frank
and it...just didn't seem
to be the right moment.
Well, I don't see
what your ex-father-in-law
has to do with you and me.
Because he's a part of me,
that's what?
And he's very
important to my life.
Alright, we-we'll
go out to dinner
some night,
and I'll meet him, okay?
Oh, remember I told you
there was another part.
Another part?
Oh, oh!
The bad news.
- Yeah.
- I know what it is.
- What?
- He's a vegetarian.
No, that would be a good part.
No, see, he flew
to Portland today
and he won't be back
until next weekend
only for one night.
Oh, well, alright.
If it's that
important to you, um..
I'll make myself available
any night you say.
Well, that's just it,
the one night is October th.
That's the night
of Joannie's play.
It's the only night.
[instrumental music]
[knock at door]
Uh, come on in.
- Hey, dad, hi.
- Yeah.
Oh, hi, dad.
What's up?
Oh, I-I just came by to-to see
how everything was going.
Uh, concerned parent
on the prowl, no doubt.
[chuckling]
Eh, it's o'clock.
Do you know where
your children are?
[laughs]
- How are the rehearsals going?
- Oh, great!
Just great.
Great.
Joannie, I have to talk to you.
- About what?
- About the play.
'You see, I found out
something today'
'that came as
a complete surprise.'
- Uh, dad--
- Let me finish.
Abby came by the office and..
...dropped a bombshell.
Abby?
Uh, how'd she know?
(Tom)
'Well, what it was,
was a complete'
lack of communication.
You see, I should've
been told earlier.
Dad, I'm-I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
No, I'm the one that's sorry.
'I feel terrible.'
- Terrible?
- Yes!
I can't come to see the play!
You can't?
You can't?
No, I have to go out to dinner
with Abby's father-in-law.
He'll only be here
for one night, and..
Oh, it's a long story.
That's alright, dad.
- I understand, really.
- Oh, thank you.
You're a real trooper.
[exhales]
And don't you worry,
I'll make it up to you.
- Thanks.
- Goodnight, dad.
Goodnight.
[door shuts]
[chuckles]
Titania, somebody
up there likes you.
Oh, thank you,
Abby's father-in-law!
Whoever you are.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
Um, could I just have
a little bite, please?
- J-just one bite?
- Ta-a-ah, Titania, be strong.
The play is tonight.
You're right,
I'll starve for today
but tomorrow, I am
gonna eat everything.
[laughing]
That's the spirit.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Hey, are you still
going through with that?
Oh, relax, Tommy.
Nobody makes a big deal
about nudity anymore.
Oh, yeah, that's why
"Playboy" is such a big flop.
Ahh, it's puberty once again
rearing its ugly head.
I'm so looking forward
to Tommy's adolescence.
And we're getting
so tired of yours.
[chuckles]
Hey, don't ever have sisters,
they're a drag.
- Did you see the game Sunday?
- Yeah.
I'm sure glad they'll let him
call his own players.
Sure, hope his knees
don't give out.
Well, he's still gotta
get on it.
Hey, Bradford, I know
all about your sister.
Yeah, I'm really glad
to hear that, Lenny.
Hey, Steve,
he's glad to hear that.
I wonder how he'll feel
after we see the play.
Look, Lenny, will you
just shut up?
Tell your sister I'm ready.
Alright, Lenny, why don't
you just cool it?
You're gonna do something
about it, Bradford?
- Yeah.
- Hey, hold off, man.
They'll k*ll ya.
I won't be needing
Miss October anymore.
I'll just take
my camera tonight
and, uh, click, click.
[grunting]
[thwacking]
"Give me that boy,
and I will go with thee."
"Huh!
Not for thy fairy kingdom."
[snaps fingers]
"Fairies away.
We shall chide down right,
if I longer stay."
- Well, how did I do?
- Pretty good.
Huh! Pretty good only?
Pretty good?
What're you doing?
You only go around once.
Ah, Nancy.
I'm just gonna
shampoo my hair.
Okay, you wanna try it again?
Oh, how could you possibly
shampoo your hair
and cue me at
the same time, huh?
Oh, try me.
Okay, uh, what's the line?
Ah, okay, here it is.
Wait a minute.
- Umm.
- Oh.
It's right there.
"Ill met by moonlight,
proud Titania. "
"What jealous Oberon?"
- Tommy, hi.
- Huh?
What happened?
- I was sent home.
- For fighting?
No, for walking into a door.
Oh, boy, I think we
better check this out.
You better do it.
My hair needs another round.
[chuckles]
Bottoms up.
Tommy.
Hey, what happened?
- I told you, nothing.
- Oh.
Come on.
You don't get a black eye
for nothing.
Well?
Was it a girl?
Wendy Springer?
Then who?
[instrumental music]
You.
- Me?
- Yeah.
Some big guy was making a lot
of dumb cracks about the play.
You see, his brother's
the stage manager down there
and he heard about the scene
you're doing tonight.
You took a beating
because of me?
[chuckles]
No, I took a beating
because Lenny Brandt's a jerk.
[sighs]
Maybe it just isn't worth it.
What?
I mean, if you wind up
paying the price..
Hey, Joannie,
you're not thinking
of backing out, are you?
Maybe I should.
[sighs]
You're worth a lot more
to me than a lousy play.
Look, Joannie, I'm not real
crazy about what you're doing.
But I'm not gonna let
Lenny Brandt or any other jerk
bully you into quitting.
Do you mean that?
Oh, thanks, Tommy.
Hey, listen, you're
gonna come see the play?
Oh, no, no.
Don't push it.
[chuckling]
Yeah, okay.
Thanks a lot.
(Mary)
'Relax, I'll make
sure he's on time.'
Don't worry about a thing, okay?
Bye.
[knock at door]
(Tom)
Come in.
Abby called to remind you
not to be late. : sharp.
Apparently Mr. Abbott
is very punctual.
Oh, boy. He has to pick one
night to come to Sacramento.
One night!
Come on, dad,
it can't be that bad.
Oh, it is. I mean, it's bad
enough to be looked over
by a total stranger.
But to miss Joannie's play,
that's terrible.
Oh, boy, do you look beautiful!
Thanks.
Are you nervous?
Yeah.
Oh, I wish I could be there.
Oh, don't feel bad, dad.
- I understand.
- You know, I'm sorry.
She knows! she knows!
Break a leg.
Thanks.
See you later.
Boy, what a trooper.
Do you think
that she understands?
Of course she understands.
It's just a play.
There'll be other plays.
Dad, can we have some
money for pizza, please?
- Oh, how many?
- The four of us.
Four of you? What about Tommy?
Uh, he's not hungry.
Tommy isn't hungry?
That's impossible.
Y-y-y-yeah, well, he's got
a little problem with his..
...his hamster.
With his hamster?
I didn't know about this.
Oh, thanks.
- Yeah, thanks. Bye.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- See you.
[knock at door]
Come in.
What you doin'?
Cleaning my hamster cage.
Tommy? Turn around.
[Tom laughs]
'Not bad.'
Did you get something
in your eye?
Dad, I really don't
wanna talk about it.
Give it a try.
Okay.
I got into a fight.
Mm-hmm. And what did
the other guy look like?
[sighs]
Better than me.
Oh, well, I guess
that's punishment enough.
What was it about?
Nothing.
Nothing?
You got a humdinger like that
fighting over nothing?
I hope she was worth it.
She was.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hi guys, looks great.
- Hi.
Hi.
'I'll be right there!'
Oh, take your time.
'Walt is very punctual.'
Good for Walt.
I wish you'd be a little
more positive about this.
Don't worry,
I'll be on my best behavior.
Hmm.
- Are you ready?
- Almost.
What do you mean, almost?
- Before we go..
- What?
There's something
I want you to have.
Now, close your eyes.
Tom, it's late, we've gotta go.
Come on, please--
Walt will wait.
Close your eyes.
- Close my eyes?
- Yes, don't peek.
- Okay, my eyes are closed.
- Alright.
- My eyes are closed.
- No, they're not.
No? Okay.
[instrumental music]
Oh, Tom, that's, uh..
It's gorgeous.
So are you.
- You shouldn't have.
- Oh, but I should have.
Well, it must've
cost a fortune, huh?
[chuckles]
Lady, you're worth a fortune.
I love you.
I love you.
What do you think?
Look, I'm finished.
- Oh yeah.
- What do you think?
- Dad, hi.
- Oh, Abby.
Dad, I want you to meet
Tom Bradford.
- Tom, this is Walt Abbott.
- How do you do?
Uh, Tom is having
dinner with us.
Oh.
[chuckles]
See, dad, uh..
Umm, Tom is um..
...sort of a special friend.
'I-I-I-I mean, person.'
Umm, he, uh..
W-w-w-we, uh,
have become sort of, um..
...special people to each other.
Abby, what are you
trying to say?
What I'm trying to say is, uh..
What she's trying to say,
Mr. Abbott, is..
...we're engaged to be married.
Well, uh..
Congratulations
seem to be in order.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Uh, they say the veal here
is very good.
[indistinct chatter]
"Indian air, by night, full
often hath she gossiped by--"
- Aren't you ready yet?
- I'm just running the..
Oh, come on, don't tease me.
See, there's four of us.
Thank you.
- What do you think?
- I'm nervous.
Hmm. Looks good, huh?
Yeah, you think
Joannie is nervous?
She's probably scared to death.
Uh. It's a good thing
dad's not here.
Yeah, it is.
And what was it again
you did in the service?
Army.
Press Corps.
Building up the generals, huh?
Well, as much as I could.
Overseas?
More like Tennessee.
Ha ha ha.
[chuckles]
"Purge thy mortal grossness so
that thou shalt
like an airy spirit go."
- Cobweb, Moth, Mustardseed!"
- Really?
[indistinct chatter]
[applause]
(Walter)
'So, when Frank and Abby moved
down south to Camp Pendleton'
'the only thing
left for me was work.'
'I made the Millionaires' Club
the second year.'
The only other guy to do
that was Roy McGuiness.
Or was it Ralph Sturdevant?
Whatever.
I hope I'm not boring you.
Oh, no, no, not at all.
(Walter)
'Well, then, what's the matter?
You don't seem to be here.'
Oh, you're right, Walt, and
I'm sorry, it's just that, uh..
My mind isn't on this dinner.
Well, what is it?
Well, you see, my daughter,
Joannie, is in a play tonight
and it's just one performance.
I-I'd tell you,
if you could've seen her face..
She was so understanding
when I told her
that I couldn't be there.
She-she was fighting
back the tears.
Well, can we still catch her?
Oh, well, yes,
as a matter of fact
we could catch the third act.
Well, then,
what are we sitting here for?
Check.
"If I were fair, Thisbe,
I were only thine."
"Oh, monstrous!
Oh, strange! We are haunted.
'Pray, masters!
Fly, masters! Help!"'
(as Robin)
'"I'll follow you.
I'll lead you about a round.'
'"Through bog, through bush,
through brier, through brake.'
'"Sometime a horse I'll be,
sometime a hog'
'"a headless bear, a fire.'
'"And neigh, and snort,
and growl, and burn.'
Like horse, hog, headless bear,
fire, at every turn."
"Why do they run away?"
'"They do this knavery
to make me afeard."'
(as Snout)
"Thou art transformed!
What do I see on thy head?"
"What do you see? You see an ass
head of your own, do you?"
"Bless thee, Bottom, bless thee.
Thou art translated."
[neighs]
"They know this knavery.
'They do this
to make an ass of me!"'
Hey, it's going great.
It's going great.
Now-now, remember, concentration
away from yourselves.
Light, airy, fantastico.
(as Bottom)
'"I will walk up and down'
and I will sing, that they shall
hear I am not afraid."
♪ The ouzel cock
so black of hue ♪
Okay, get ready. Go.
♪ With orange-tawny bill ♪
♪ The throstle with
his note so true ♪
♪ The wren with
a little quill ♪♪
(as Titania)
'"What angel wakes me
from my flowery bed?"'
[instrumental music]
Joannie! Joannie!
There's somebody
you oughta talk to.
Mary, I'm just not
up to it right now, okay?
Neither's he, but better now
than in the morning.
- Where is he?
- In the kitchen.
[instrumental music]
Dad?
You're angry, aren't you?
I don't know, if it's anger
or disappointment.
'One thing, it certainly
was embarrassing.'
How do you suppose I felt,
seeing people that I work with?
Friends?
See, Joannie, it wasn't
just you up on that stage..
...it was me.
The whole world was staring.
But that's what
acting is all about, dad.
With or without a costume.
Being an actress is the most
important thing in my life.
'And being in that play
meant a whole lot to me.'
I'm just sorry that I hurt
the most important
person in my life.
I didn't want
to hurt you, really.
Maybe if I'd known about it
before I saw the play..
No, no, I-I'd have
asked you to quit.
Oh, I wanted to
tell you, dad. I..
I talked it over
with all the others.
And everybody said,
"Mum's the word?"
No leaks?
They all stuck together.
Let me ask you.
The little souvenir
that Tommy got..
...was that on account of you?
Yeah.
Everybody came through for you.
Everybody except me.
But you didn't know.
I'm glad I didn't.
Because I wouldn't
have been with you.
And that would've hurt me more
than not having been told.
I understand why you did
what you did, Joannie.
You thought it was right,
and you stuck by your g*ns.
I'm proud of you for that.
Well, you..
Well, you've got to realize
when you do things
especially certain things
it-it-it's going
to affect all of us.
So, in the future, please..
...take everybody's
feelings into account.
It's your world, honey.
So grow with it.
D-daddy.
You didn't even say
whether you liked the play.
The play? What play?
Oh, come on, stop teasing.
I'm not teasing you.
Listen, when you walked
out on that stage
I didn't hear a word.
Oh, I love you, daddy.
[knock at door]
'Yeah?'
Founder and Polombe,
Bunco Squad, ma'am.
What?
Uh, look the play is closed
we're not doing it again,
honest--
Does Tom Bradford live here?
- Yes, but he didn't have--
- 'Is he home?'
What do you want him for?
I-I mean, I'm legally liable,
I'm over --
Uh, just get him, honey.
Will you?
Yeah.
But, sergeant,
we had no idea--
That's all?
This is a pretty hard
rock you got here, lady.
'We've been
tracing it for months.'
Well, who knew? A guy gives
you an engagement ring
you don't ask
for a sales receipt.
Now, tell me, weren't you just a
little suspicious when you saw..
"To Bernice from Carl."
I never looked.
Alright,
let's have it once more.
You got the ring from..
- Him.
- Yes.
And I got it from my son.
Who we told you before
got it from this boy
that he works with,
Fred Gorman.
Why don't you question him?
Relax! We're running a check
on Gorman right now.
And so, great, that's terrific.
I mean, and until
you can find, uh, Gorman
you're gonna lock us up?
I mean, tell me, do we look
like the typical jewel thieves?
You don't want me to answer
that question, do you?
[telephone ringing]
Uh, sit tight, it's for us.
Oh, well, look,
the thing is
if we had no knowledge
that the ring was stolen
why are we held
being responsible?
Easy.
You are the possessor
of the article
'in question at the moment.'
And possession is nine-tenths
of the law, right?
You catch on quick.
They're clean, Gus. Gorman
just made a full confession.
- Ah!
- Oh, well.
Do-does that mean
that we're free to go?
I mean, I mean, stay.
Yep.
- Oh.
- What about the ring?
Evidence! Sleep tight.
We'll let ourselves out.
- Okay.
- Very good.
- Bye. Thank you.
- Bye, bye.
Huh!
Well, I never did want
an engagement ring anyway.
Don't worry,
you're not gonna get one.
One thing I learned,
I will never buy
anymore second hand
jewelry from my son.
Well, I should hope not.
Boy, what a day.
What a night!
You know, it's almost o'clock.
Don't you have to get home?
Yeah, I-I do,
I have to be up at :.
I'm-I'm just going, but Tom..
I have another
confession to make.
Another confession?
How many fathers-in-law
do you have?
No. No. No. There are no more
fathers-in-law, I promise.
Boy, it is getting late, Abby.
Tom, I-I really need
to get this off my chest, okay?
Okay, go ahead, confess.
It seems to be a great day
for confessions.
Okay, I just took Walt
to the airport, and, uh..
in the car on the way back,
I-I finally began to understand
why I've been having such
a difficult time telling Walt
about our engagement.
'I want you to know
that I-I was never ashamed of..'
'of us or anything like that.'
It was something else, you know.
Umm, something really
deep inside, uh..
See, Tom...
I loved Frank very much.
'Probably as much
as you loved Joan right?'
And still do.
And if they were still alive
we'd still be with them.
And, uh, what with Walt
and-and with the wedding plans
I...I just got all confused.
'See, there's my love for you,
and there's my love for Frank.'
And something
inside me wonders if-if..
...if I'm being
respectful to Frank's memory.
Do you understand?
Abby, when someone dies,
your love doesn't die with them.
I know.
Who knows?
Right now your Frank..
...may be washing the dishes
with my Joan.
[laughs]
I don't think so.
Frank never did the dishes.
[clears throat]
Nicholas, what are you doing up?
Well, see, dad,
I did something in the bed
and I have to tell you.
Oh, no, not another confession.
Alright.
It's alright, Nicholas.
You're forgiven, it's alright.
- It is?
- Yes, so, just go to bed.
- I can't.
- Why not?
Well, see, I had these cookies
smuggled under my covers
and, um, I forgot,
and I started jumping on my bed
and they got all crummy.
- You didn't.
- I did.
So then, I started
sleeping on the floor
and um...I got uncomfortable,
so then I woke up
and now I don't have no place
to sleep except your bed.
- My bed?
- Relax, Tom.
You could do a lot worse.
I could do a lot better.
, , , ..
..., , .
- .
- .
- .
- Oh, David, come on, please.
What're you doing, k*ller?
. I'm pumping iron.
What's it look like?
Tired of being
a -pound weakling?
No.
Just getting ready.
Ready for what?
Well, you see this black eye?
Oh, yeah, it's a beauty.
Well, it's the last one
I intend to get.
You're prepared, right?
Right.
Prepared for what?
Well..
Uh, one.
Joannie's doing
an another play. Two.
What's the play?
Three.
Peter Pan!
Four.
Peter Pan in the nude?
You never can tell.
Five.
[theme music]
02x07 - The Bard and the Bod
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.