02x11 - All's Fair in Love and w*r

[bunniefuu]

- David, what's "demonstrating?"

- Huh?

Dad said you and Mary

used to get arrested

in school for demonstrating.

Oh, hey, here.

Earn while you learn.

You see, Nicholas

when you believe

in something strongly

and you want somebody

to do something

about it, you demonstrate.

Oh, well, what do you do?

You pick it,

you march, you sit in.

- Sit in?

- 'Yeah.'

That's when you occupy a place

and you don't move

until you get what you want.

Oh, well, what about Nancy?

Nancy?

Yeah, she's demonstrating

in the bathroom.

Nancy's demonstrating

in the bathroom?

Yeah, she's been there

over half an hour.

And Susan's sitting there

bangin' on the door.

[chuckles]

No, see that's not

demonstrating, Nicholas.

That's called shampooing.

What's the matter?

Boy, for a big brother

you sure don't explain

things very well.

Why, you!

[clamoring]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Okay, okay, now, troops.

The only way to conquer

this job is teamwork.

Now, everybody pitches in

and pulls his or her own weight.

The unpleasantness

will soon be behind us.

There'll be

no goal breaking allowed.

Wait a second,

let me get this straight.

- Our house is a mess.

- A well-known fact.

And we wanna hire a maid.

Immediately, if not sooner.

So first we clean up the mess

and then we hire a maid?

You got it,

and on your first try, too.

That was great!

Fantastic, terrific, Elizabeth.

Well, what is the maid gonna do

when she gets here?

Mess the place up again?

No, Elizabeth,

what we're trying to do is

to put our cleanest foot forward

to make a good impression.

But, Abby, she's gonna think

she's in a house

full of sanitation workers.

[laughs]

Oh, no, only until

she gets to know us.

Now, we've all got

our assignments.

Are there any questions?

Yes, the little lady in

the blue blouse, speak up, yes.

- What are you in charge of?

- Oh, I'm glad you asked that.

Um, I'm in charge

of inspections.

Okay, troops,

now arm yourselves!

The battle of the century

awaits!

[telephone ringing]

Boy, oh, boy..

- Hello?

- Abby.

I-I've done something horrible.

I-I just got a call

from an out-of-town visitor.

Richard Connery.

His father, Pete, is my most

beloved drinking companion.

Well, what's so

horrible about that?

Well, if you're talking about

Pete and my drinking

I always got the hangovers.

Uh, but if you're talking

about his son..

[chuckles]

You know what I did?

I-I invited him over

to the house for drinks

without consulting you first.

Oh, well,

don't worry about that.

The first drink's for free

but, uh, if he wants a refill

he's gonna have to pitch in

on the cleaning detail.

Oh, I'll warn him.

- I love you.

- I love you. Bye!

What's your problem?

This house is disgusting,

there's green stuff

all around the tub.

[scoffs]

Yeah.

There's green stuff

all over this sandwich

Nicholas stashed

in the night stand too, yuck!

I'm just not cut out

for this work.

I would do anything,

anything to get out of it.

Yeah?

- How much?

- What?

How much would it

be worth to you?

In cash,

not to do the bathroom.

What are you suggesting,

little brother?

Step into my office,

big sister.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Obscene!

What?

You never really know someone

till you look under their bed.

What'd you find?

Underneath your bed..

...is a pile..

...of pre-historic

cigarette buds.

It was just a phase.

[laughs]

Hey!

Work harder, you guys!

I mean,

if it doesn't hurt

you're probably

not doing it right.

[clears throat]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Yeah, uh, Nancy,

could you move back there?

- Oh!

- Yeah. yeah.

Clean the whole room.

Do you know what's happening?

Do you have any idea of the

of the degenerate,

immoral, inhuman thing

'that has moved into

this very neighborhood?'

- What, porno movies?

- Yeah, we got rid of them once!

A-and now they're moving

right back in on us again.

Oh, not porno movies.

Darn!

We-we've got to get organized

today, right now!

Before it goes any further

this has got to be stopped.

Mary, what are you

so steamed up about?

That! This, right here.

That's it!

[laughing]

Susan! There!

We have got to get organized.

This entire family has got

to get organized now.

Uh, we already are organized.

You've got the screen porch.

No, no, Susan, I'm not talking

about house cleaning.

- I'm talking about--

- Here it comes.

I'm talking about morality.

Are you sure you're not talking

about porno movies?

Oh, I-I'm glad

that you're all here.

I would like you to hear this.

"Academic credit, leadership,

development, challenges

executive experience,

and earn $ while you do it."

Uh, what's the catch?

Hard work?

[chuckles]

Can we clean while we guess?

(Mary)

'The catch is, it's

the United States Military.'

The Pentagon w*r machine,

it's back!

The ROTC has returned

to our campuses.

Oh, where've you been, Mary,

they've had an office

at the gym for

a long time now, you know.

Yeah, they even have a flagpole.

[laughs]

That's cute.

That's-that's just terrific.

You mean, you guys have known

about this and you don't care?

Mary, do you know how long ago

that ROTC stuff was?

It's ancient history.

I don't even remember

what was on TV then.

Well, you know,

things change, don't they?

[exhales]

Mary, it's only the Reserve

Officer's Training Corps.

I mean, don't you think you're

getting a little carried away?

No, I don't think I'm getting

carried away, not at all!

We're talking about

the military industrial complex

sneaking right back

on to our campuses.

I mean, t-they're putting

they're putting our guys

in uniform.

'Their putting g*ns

in their hands.'

Abby, it's Vietnam

all over again!

Okay, truce, everybody.

Now-now, those of you

who are cleaning

could you get back to your

cleaning and those of you

who are not cleaning could you

go pick up Nicholas

he had to stay after school?

- Nicholas?

- Yeah.

Abby, h-how do you feel

about this, huh?

Like a UN observer.

Mary, Nicholas is waiting.

Nicholas is waiting!

- Nicholas is waiting.

- 'Nicholas is waiting!'

(Mary)

'Apples away! Ha-ha!'

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

Hi, Derek!

Hey, the principal really laid

into you, huh, Nicholas?

Yeah, Maloney is the one

that starts the fight.

And I'm the one

she keeps an hour late

after everyone else

has gone home.

Everybody hasn't gone home.

Maloney's still here

with some of his buddies.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

That way.

Mm, well, lucky for him

I'm goin' this way.

Where's Bradford?

Bradford who?

[upbeat music]

Out of my way!

Make me, shrimp!

Make me, make you.

Anytime, creep.

[car horn]

Nicholas!

Coming.

Saved again, Nicholas,

by your sister.

I tell you, Pete's son, Richard

could really give our kids

a lesson or two.

I mean, he treats his father

so well with so much respect.

'He even laughs

at his jokes.'

They get along so well it's hard

to believe they're related.

[laughs]

You know, well,

some people like quality

and others like quantity.

Yeah, I guess you

can't have both.

Tom, I was teasing.

You've got quality, too.

[bell rings]

Oh!

That's probably Richard.

Now you'll see what I mean

when I bring you meet him.

He's really terrific.

Wait, wait.

Thomas, wait for me.

Dad, he's here.

Hi, come on in.

- Uh, I'm Mary.

- Hi. Richard Connery.

Hi!

Richard! Oh, boy,

is it nice to see you again?

- How you doing?

- It's been a long time.

This is my wife,

Abby. Richard.

- You've already met Mary.

- Yeah, we met.

Oh, this guy caused me

more trouble as a kid, huh?

Let me give a..

How about a drink?

- Alright.

- Oh, good.

Oh, uh, Richard, this is,

uh, some of the family.

Uh, Susan and, uh, Joannie.

- I'm Joannie.

- Richard Connery.

- Hi.

- And Nancy--

Wouldn't you know?

We are out of ice.

Here, girls,

go get some ice for Richard.

Listen,

I wanna here all about it.

- How's that?

- Come on, sit down.

- Hey, Nancy.

- Yes, Elizabeth?

Why is dad

making such a big deal

over this Richard Connery guy?

- Oh, I don't know. Beats me.

- Me too.

[sighs]

You know

I'm getting awfully tired

of this house cleaning thing

Abby's gotten us into.

I've already broken

two fingernails

washing the windows.

Well, maybe

you should talk to Tommy.

Tommy's patching fingernails?

No, he's washing windows.

- Mm, that's a change.

- Could you use your fingers?

You're getting.. We only got

two ice cubes in here so far.

- Come on.

- Okay, but don't tell anybody.

I wouldn't.

Let's get out of here.

You sure you won't stay

for dinner, Richard?

How about another drink?

- Oh, okay.

- Great.

But, uh, easier, please.

I'm my father's son.

Not my father.

I really can't stay, Mary,

but thanks.

So, when'd you get into town?

Oh, I wish

you hadn't asked that.

I got strict orders

from the old man

to call Tom the moment I got in.

But, uh, work's been

kind of hectic, you know?

What kind of work do you do?

Music? Sports?

Tommy, you're looking at a guy

with no rhythm

and semi-flat feet.

[chuckles]

Actually, I'm regular army.

The captain.

(Tom)

'His father

was a brigadier general.'

An army captain in Sacramento?

Was Sacramento at w*r

or something?

No, but if it was,

we'd be ready.

'I mean, it's more image-making

than w*r-making.'

I'm setting up the new,

uh, recruiting office

at the university.

[humming]

E-excuse me.

Uh, do I have ring around

the collar or something?

Uh, no, it's just

a little family joke.

Yeah, only I'm not laughing.

See, Richard, Mary is still

carrying a grudge

against the military

on campus.

Oh.

Well, in that case, I'm glad

I didn't come over in uniform.

Yeah.

Listen,

I'd be in the army myself

but I, uh,

have a physical disability.

- What dad?

- No guts.

[all laugh]

Hey, I heard a good one

about the army the other day.

- Oh, you never give good ones.

- Since this captain, they..

'Now, you say about the soldier,

but the Medal of Valor'

'for saving a whole regiment..'

'He shot the cook!'

[all cheering]

[dramatic music]

Tom, maybe if you ask her

to come down for dinner.

No, I doubt it.

Mary has never been

want to let food

interfere with her

political convictions.

And I'm not one to let her

rudeness interfere with my food.

End of conversation. Would you

pass the string beans, please?

I love them.

Nicholas, you're not eating.

- I'm not hungry.

- Oh.

Are you having a sympathetic

hunger strike for Mary?

Or you're celebrating

your heroics at school today?

I heard all about it.

- He started it!

- Of course.

In the history of fights,

there's never been one started

by the guy you're talking to.

Yeah, well, see, there's this

big jerk called Maloney and--

Oh, please, Nicholas,

spare us the gory details.

'And if he is big and a jerk'

that's even more reason

that you should back off.

Yeah, well, what if he does?

Well, then he'd look

sort of silly

standing there,

fighting with himself.

Hi, everybody.

- Hey, Jim.

- Is there anything left?

- Oh, yeah, there's plenty.

- Oh, good.

'Cause I'm really hungry.

I worked up an appetite

hauling all that stuff

back to the dump.

'We're giving them

an awful lot of business.'

I think they're thinking

of renaming it

to "Bradford Memorial."

Something or other..

Is it my imagination or is it

awfully quiet around here?

No, it's awfully

quiet around here.

That's what I thought.

What's wrong?

Certain members of this family

are declaring a w*r

on the ROTC

and some big jerk named Maloney.

[instrumental music]

- Uh, you missed a couple.

- Hmm?

Oh, I'll get back to them.

- A big job?

- Yes.

"From each

according to his ability

"to each according to

his needs."

Karl Marx.

I didn't know

we were communists.

Oh, we're not.

Only when we're cleaning.

Oh, speaking of cleaning,

I've got a proposition for you.

sh**t.

Well, I think

I'm in the position

to take your cleaning jobs

off your hands

for a slight consideration.

Ahem!

Close the door.

How slight?

Five bucks?

That's slight?

"Two each

according to his ability."

Oh, you're on.

Oh, l-listen, Tommy, uh,

could you do something for me?

I am doing something.

I'm cleaning your study.

Yeah, but this

is not actually for me.

It's really for Nicholas.

Oh, he already owes me cents.

Oh, Tommy,

when are you gonna learn

that everything around here

is not on the cash basis.

I mean, this is in the interest

of peace and harmony.

Not to mention

the orthopedic bill.

Now, here's what

I want you to do.

Tomorrow,

go to Nicholas's school

and walk him home from school.

You mean like a bodyguard?

Yeah, sort of, only don't

make it look obvious.

Just make it look like

"Oh, I just happened

to drop by."

- I gotcha.

- Good.

You know, uh..

...you better make that

seven fifty.

Boy, it's so quiet

around here.

It's spooky.

Yeah.

It won't last though.

Dad's dinner will be digested

pretty soon and then..

Mm, I just wish

he'd get it over with.

It's like waiting

for a thunderstorm to hit.

Yeah.

(Tom)

'Why does Sedan use it?'

(Mary)

'Stop hyperventilating!'

Uh-oh, I think I just heard

the first rain drop.

I'm not hyperventilating

I'm steaming!

Dad, w-why do you always get

so-so bent out of shape

over trivial things?

Oh, trivial, huh?

Since when is being rude

to a guest in my house

qualify as being trivial?

Some guest?

Dad, an-an army captain.

I mean, I can't believe

this whole thing.

That-that gross wretched,

Pentagon w*r machine

sneaks right back

into the campus.

Why don't you just

confine yourself

to the subject

that we were talking about?

If you don't remember,

it was being rude

to a guest in this house.

We're not talking

about etiquette

we're talking about morality.

Oh, come off with that morality.

Those people are doing what

you're paying them to do.

That's right, Mary, you!

The wretched gross voter,

the tax payer.

You know something,

you're beginning to sound

like a typical tool

of the media.

Isn't that amazing?

You know what I am?

I am a tool of the media.

The Sacramento registered,

to be precise.

Who do you think

pays the bills around here?

Hush money.

That's it, hush money!

Hush money. It's a conspiracy

and you don't even see it.

Okay, look,

if you have an opinion

that you wanna express and I've

never known you not have one.

I'll tell you what

I want you to do.

Go and dump it on

my co-conspirator's desk.

Yeah, why not?

I mean, if you really think

that the ROTC

is destroying civilization

the way you and I know it

well then, why yell at me?

I mean, give it to the editors

and yell at everybody.

When you'll just see

that it's printed, right?

Oh, no, no, no.

You'll see that it's printed.

By making it lucent, concise,

neat and to the point.

And double-spaced

on one side of the paper.

[typewriter keys clacking]

[instrumental music]

Excuse me. Uh, I'm looking

for Richard Connery.

Oh, sure, just a moment.

I'll get him for you.

- Thank you.

- Uh, captain?

Uh, there's somebody

here to see you.

- Hey, Mary!

- Hi.

- How you doing?

- Fine. How are you?

Wow, you're looking good today.

You're little out of context,

aren't you?

Boy, am I out of context.

Well, I don't know, uh

we're taking women these days.

I mean, we are an equal

opportunity employer.

Oh, well, I appreciate

the offer, Richard

but k*lling is not exactly

my area of expertise.

Oh, I see.

Well, what if we, uh

started you out as a secretary

and, uh, you kind of

work your way up to k*lling?

- Can't type.

- 'That's too bad.'

There's a serious shortage

of K*llers

with secretarial skills.

You're a comedian.

Listen, Richard, I came here

to apologize to you

for my rudeness, last night.

Last night?

Oh, oh, you're dramatic exit.

You see, I seem to have

this thing about the military.

Yeah, lot of people

seem to these days.

We're not terribly loved.

'Well, I just want you to know'

that it wasn't anything

personal.

And I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Good.

I, uh, I wrote a letter

to the registrar, last night

and I think that

maybe if you read it

you'll understand.

Okay, sure.

Good.

See you.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

Why do I have this feeling

I've just been saved

to subpoena?

Oh, boy.

Here we go again, Joe.

"People of this country

do now want to be reminded

"that of what institutions like

the ROTC stand for.

Just what is it

they stand for?"

"They stand for Vietnam

with all its political gaps."

Oh, and-and so forth.

Skip to the end

of that paragraph.

You've read it.

Yes, our editor was good enough

to leave a copy in my box

this morning.

Is he gonna run it?

The evening edition.

Apparently,

there's some new kind of, uh

family equal-time policy

on his paper.

She really comes on strong.

She always has.

Listen,

when is the copy deadline

for the evening edition?

An hour and a half.

Yo-you're gonna reply?

Well, equal time.

Yeah, w-what about

yesterday's column?

Um, uh,

"Saving the Redwoods?"

They'll have to make it

on their own.

Some other time.

Okay.

It's your home life.

And it's also my column.

- Scram.

- Oh, yes, sir.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey!

Hey, what's going on?

What are you doing here?

I'm on a scavenger hunt.

I'll tell you what,

why don't you walk me home?

What for?

'Cause of Maloney.

Let's go.

So, where'd you go?

We went to the Pelican Room.

- The Pelican Room?

- It's here! It's here.

- What's here? What's here?

- My letter, my letter.

- Listen to this.

- Big deal, Mary.

Yeah, you read it to us

three times already.

Come on, will you,

will you be quite for a minute?

I don't bel..

I don't believe this.

They-they left out

the whole paragraph

about Johnson and Nixon.

Hey, hey,

are you Indignant Reader?

Yes, I am.

Well, look,

you made dad's column today.

- He didn't.

- He did.

He did, And look,

he used Thoreau against you.

Thoreau?

But Thoreau's on our side.

But Thoreau, uh, went to jail

rather than the, uh..

- Tax.

- Tax-tax for the Mexican w*r.

- Hey.

- Where is it?

There it is, right here.

"It was Thoreau himself

"the blessed inventor

of civil disobedience

"who said

"If man does not keep pace

with his companions

"perhaps it is because

he hears a different drummer.

"Let him step

to the music which he hears

however measured or far away."

Boy, y-you talk about quoting

somebody out of context, huh?

Um, hm, "Indignant Reader,"

alright.

Indignant?

No, I'm not indignant.

Not at all.

I'm furious!

That's what I am, I'm furious.

I can't believe this.

She's so cute when she's mad.

[giggles]

Furious? With me?

I would say that's

a pretty fair description.

The funny thing is that

before she read your column

'she was in a very mellow mood.'

Well, how did that happen?

Oh, it seems that she had

dropped by the ROTC office

on campus to apologize

to Richard

for her behavior last night.

Hm, well, at least

she's recovered her manners

if not her judgement.

Hmm.

She seems to be

quite taken with him.

Huh? Mary taken with the tool

of the military?

- Yup.

- Uh-uh.

They are as far apart

as Archie Bunker and Meathead.

Or Tracy and Hepburn.

Hey, did you, did you know

that they fought

all the time too?

Well, all I know is

that she said that

he was sharp as a tack

had a sense of humor

and accepted her apology

quite graciously.

Does she know

he's coming to dinner?

[giggles]

Yeah. And, uh, she said

she was looking forward to it.

[doorbell dings]

Coming. Here I am.

- Hey, Richard, how are you?

- Hey. How're you doing?

Nice to see you. Come on in.

Look, uh, a bottle of something

for dinner.

- Oh, that was nice of you.

- Yeah, peace offering.

Very nice. Appreciate it.

Oh, and listen,

don't worry about Mary.

She's completely over now.

She promises to be

on her best behavior.

Come on to the living room,

I'll make you make you a drink.

Oh, that's too bad.

Uh, what's too bad?

Oh, you mean about Mary?

Yeah, I was kinda

looking forward

to tonight's, uh, maneuvers.

Uh-huh. Maneuvers.

You know, that's quite

a daughter you got there.

Bright, sharp, lots of class

and character.

You know, I like feisty women.

They turn me on.

They, uh, turn you on?

It's just a matter of speaking.

[instrumental music]

Hey, come on, you guys.

Company.

But why not ask dad?

Nicholas, dad is strictly

non-violent.

He'll give you all that business

about sitting down

and talking it over.

Yeah, but we already did

and Maloney said he's gonna

punch my lights out.

Well, that's why

you ought to talk to Richard.

He's a pro. They teach you

that stuff in the army.

Yeah, but that's airplanes

and tanks and things.

Nicholas, have you ever heard of

hand-to-hand combat?

You know, uh, karate, kung-fu?

The martial arts?

They really teach you that stuff

in the army?

Yeah,

it's like in the old movies.

Audie Murphy wiping out

a whole German machine g*n nest

with his bare hands.

Pow! Pow!

Hah! Hah!

- Alright, stop it. Alright.

- Hiya! Hiya!

Save it for after dinner,

k*ller.

[grunts]

Tommy, Nicholas.

Dinner.

Okay, Nicholas,

why don't you go on downstairs?

- I got some stuff to do.

- Okay.

Okay, Maloney.

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

Who are you?

I'm Audie Murphy.

[grunting]

Audie who?

[speaking in Spanish]

You know, a maid.

A-a cleaning lady? Uh..

[speaking in Spanish]

Oh, th-this

is the answering service.

Uh, from : to :.

Monday through Friday.

Uh, gracias.

[sighs]

So, there we were.

Your father and me

aren't leaving so.

Anyway, we wind up

in this little joint.

Your father and I

were sitting there

and all of a sudden we see

that there are these

two redneck grunts

'and they start

to give us the business.'

I look at your father,

you father looks at me.

We know right away

that if we wanna get out

of there alive

'we better make a run for it.'

So, your father runs to the bar

and he tosses me

a bottle of rice wine.

And I take it

like a triple threat back

and I toss it as if it were

a grenade right at the grunts.

With that, the two of us

hit the door, run out

and we went right into--

(all)

Six military policemen.

[laughing]

- American.

- American.

- Australian.

- Australian.

- And Turkish.

- And Turkish.

And the provost marshal

at theater headquarters.

[laughing]

Isn't there anyone that

I haven't told that story to?

Not around here.

Anyway, Richard,

did your father ever tell you

about the time

that we were in Melbourne?

This is fantastic story,

and it's true.

Tom, I'm sure

Richard's heard them all.

- Oh.

- Well, most of 'em, anyway.

Except, the way I heard it

the third MP was British

not Turkish.

Oh, no. Definitely not.

He was Turkish.

He was six foot four, two

hundred and twenty five pounds

and he had a big, thick,

black mustache.

He was Turkish.

[clears throat]

Oh, uh, Mary, I read

your letter to the editor.

And, um, I respect the strength

of your convictions.

But you don't agree with him,

right?

Well, now what would I be doing

in this monkey suit

if I thought that

a standing army was obsolete.

(Mary)

'The uniform's not the problem.'

It's the use of-of taxpayer's

money to support

the recruiting of young,

impressionable minds.

They make it sound so exotic

and-and romantic.

"Join the army,

see the world."

Oh, yes, yes,

it's, uh, very romantic.

So far I've, uh, I've seen

small parts of, uh, New Jersey

'uh, Arkansas,

and Northern California.'

But that's just it.

It's a rip off.

Well, tell me this.

What's the difference

between the army

and, uh, a major corporation

recruiting on campuses?

Not much, but-but at least

they are not tax supported.

No, not directly

but, uh, we end up paying

higher, uh, consumer costs.

Look, Richard, nobody has to buy

a-a car or computer

but we all

have to pay income tax.

Try stiffing Uncle Sam.

[dramatic music]

Nancy, are you kidding?

You call that rinse?

- Oh, you're a professional.

- Come on.

[clamoring]

Oh, come on, come on.

Here you go.

Uh-uh, the boys

are entertaining Richard.

- Lucky Richard.

- So, where's you father?

Uh, well, he's on

a long distance phone call

and Mary's upstairs

in the bathroom.

Yeah, reapplying her eyelashes.

You mean putting lead

in her boxing gloves?

Did you see those two go at it?

Yeah, I know.

You know,

I haven't seen Mary so worked up

about a guy since Doug.

Uh, do you remember

what happened with Doug?

They hated each other so much

they moved in together.

Oh, come on, you guys,

you don't really think

she digs him, do you?

Oh, sure, she does. Mary only

likes guys she hates.

But an army captain?

I mean, she practically

called him a fascist.

"The lady doth protest

too much, me thinks."

"As You Like It."

Act two, scene three.

"Hamlet."

Act three, scene two.

Oh, what do you say we stop

gossiping and finish the dishes?

- Me thinks we might.

- I think we better.

[giggling]

Uh, to tell you the truth,

Nicholas, uh

they kinda frown on guys

punching each other

out in the army.

They throw you

in the brig for that.

Well, Richard,

what Nicholas means

is the hand-to-hand

combat stuff.

You know, judo, karate.

Things like that.

Yeah, and if you can

teach me some of that

I'd really be able

to get it on Maloney.

Well, what do you need?

Hm, he's a pretty big guy.

(Richard)

'Uh, do you want him, uh'

laid up in the hospital

for few weeks

or just may be

break an arm or leg?

Gee, I don't really

know about that.

(Richard)

'Hey, well, what's

the use of warming up'

'if you don't intend to pitch?'

Do they really teach you

how to break arms and legs

in the army?

That's right.

Here's your .

Yeah, but, uh, we try very hard

not to let it come in handy.

I mean, busting up people

and k*lling them

is something

we don't relate to.

Well, then what's the army for?

(Richard)

'Well, what's

the fire department for?'

I mean, you-you keep it around,

you spend a lot of money on it.

With any kind of luck,

it's for nothing.

(Nicholas)

'Yeah, but what about

all those guys on TV'

fighting and dying?

Nobody's in the army for

the purpose of dying, Nicholas

or even for fighting,

when common sense says don't.

See, if you're up

against an army

that's, that's bigger than you

or, or has you out numbered

'you back up and split.'

Commonly know as

strategic withdrawal or retreat.

One of our best soldiers

was a guy named

uh, George Washington

and retreat was his best move.

- Really?

- 'Absolutely.'

So, uh, still interested

in learning how

to break arms and legs?

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Well, I wanna tell my col--

- Wait, I wanna hear--

[all clamoring]

Hold it, hold it, hold it,

hold it, hold it, hold it!

I hate to, uh, break all this

up, but I gotta go.

Oh, no, please, don't go,

Richard. It's early.

Well, I gotta

punch in at :.

You gotta keep the taxpayers

happy, huh, Mary?

[all laughing]

Well, uh,

I'll see Richard out.

- Bye, Richard.

- Bye, Richard.

Hey, see you later.

- Don't make it so long.

- 'Yeah.'

- Bye, Richard, see you.

- Good to see you.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

Oh, I don't believe it.

She let him get in a last shot

without a comeback.

Looks like she's slowing down

in her old age, huh?

Yeah, maybe she really

dig some, huh?

I wanna thank you,

Richard.

For what?

Well, for maybe straightening

Nicholas out a little bit.

You were very impressive

in there.

Some of it

has gotta sink in.

Well, frankly, I don't think

Nicholas is, uh

the violent type.

Listen, I-I haven't

been very fair to you.

Vietnam wasn't your fault.

What is this,

another apology?

No, not really.

It's just something that..

...that I wanna say for me

and you can listen,

if you wanna listen.

Okay, go ahead.

[dramatic music]

There was this guy

in high school

and his name was Dennis.

Big, big lug

of a guy, you know

but sweet

wouldn't hurt a fly.

I-I mean, the w*r was over,

Richard

and-and we were pulling out,

but Dennis didn't make it.

[music continues]

From months after that,

I-I couldn't get

his, his face

out of my mind.

Every time I close my eyes

I-I saw a sweet young--

Hey, hey, hey,

listen, listen, listen.

Listen, lots of people

lost someone over there.

But Dennis wasn't

a somebody yet, Richard.

He was .

I mean, he didn't

have, have the chance

to grow up to be a man,

to fall in love

h-he never had that chance.

[sobbing]

Hey, I understand,

I understand.

And my best friend was k*lled

in the Mayaguez incident

two years after Dennis.

[music continues]

I know what you're saying.

Okay.

[sighs]

Get to bed, Nicholas!

I'm coming up there

in five minutes

and if you're not..

[instrumental music]

[yawns]

I feel like I haven't

slept all week.

Who is upstairs making

all the noise last night?

Your father, he said

he couldn't sleep

but he didn't say why.

So how are you doin'?

I'm alright.

You know, that's the problem

with insomnia in this house.

When one has it,

we all suffer.

It's true, it's true.

What are you doing?

I thought Joannie and Susan

had this job in the kitchen.

So did I, but, you know,

it is the strangest thing.

Every time I ask

how the house cleaning's coming

I get answers like, "fine,

great, no problem," you know

but I never see any results.

Watch this.

Hey, Tommy, um

how's your end of

the house cleaning coming?

Oh, fine, great, no problem.

I've got an appointment

before school.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Do you see what I mean?

I mean,

it is totally frustrating.

It's driving me crazy.

I don't know

what I'm gonna do.

So, Elizabeth, um..

...how is the bathroom

cleaning coming?

Hah, fine, great,

no problem.

Listen, I gotta

get ready for school.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

I don't know.

I don't know.

[woman speaking in Spanish]

Buenos dias.

Uh, me llamo Tommy Bradford.

Como stosted.

Uh, Como starsted?

Uh, como stamo usted?

I could've swore

that was a second-person

plural indicative.

(female #)

'I believe it was

a third-person'

plural indicative.

I was educated

in your country.

Oh.

'Are you interested

in domestic service?'

Si, uh-uh, I mean..

- I mean, yes.

- Good.

Why don't you sit down

and fill out an application?

Oh, you can fill it out

in English.

Yeah, that'd be...

mui suporoso.

Abby?

Abby!

Tom, you're home early.

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Are you coming down

with something?

No, no, I'm not coming down

with anything.

I can't hold it any longer.

I'm very upset.

Have you noticed what's going on

between Richard and Mary?

Yes, what goes on between Mary

and most people, friction.

No, no, no. They're having

some kind of a thing.

- You're crazy.

- I'm not crazy.

I'm not crazy at all.

Look, I'm a trained observer,

and I've seen it.

That's why I was

up last night

I caught them

in an unguarded moment

and it, it looked very deep

and thoughtful and tender.

There are at least two deep,

thoughtful and tender ones

going on here

everyday of the week.

No, no, this looked like

it could lead

to a meaningful relationship.

Not that I have anything

against Richard, mind you.

I like him, I always have.

It's just that..

...Mary doesn't realize

what this could lead to

the complications,

the hassles.

What are you really

worried about?

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

Me, I guess.

Abby, I don't know,

I try to think of myself

as a, as an understanding,

liberal man in the s.

But, I don't know.

I mean, it's not

like we're living in

the Union of South Africa.

What is it, Abby?

Am I a bigot?

No, no, you're not.

Tom, really, sincerely

I don't see

what the problem is.

The problem is

we're not intellectualizing

at a cocktail party.

The problem is

this is a real life situation.

[car approaching]

[instrumental music]

The problem is in

front of the house.

Boy, you are a stubborn

and bull-headed man.

Mary, your opinions

are-are intelligent, lucid

and-and well intentioned.

They also happen to differ

radically from my own.

Okay, okay, look

you've got a duty to do,

as you see it

and I've got a duty, too.

And I'm warning you

that I'm gonna fight your ROTC

with everything I've got.

Oh, well, as they say

"All's fair in love and w*r."

Enemies?

[laughs]

Enemies.

[music continues]

Tom, why don't

you just ask Mary

about her real-life

situation?

[knocking on door]

Come in.

W-what are you doing here?

Are you sick or..

No, no, I'm not sick,

I was worried about you.

I noticed that, uh,

Richard drove you home.

Yeah, well,

I-I guess you could say

we kinda work

at the same place, you know.

Yeah, look,

I don't want you getting

into this thing over your head.

This thing with Richard,

I mean.

Really? W-why not?

Because, uh, well..

U-uh, you're not aware

of-of what this thing is.

I mean, things are not always as

simple as you make them, Mary.

Simple? Dad, this thing is just

about as simple as you can get.

Look, aren't you

the one who always said

'stick by what you believe in?'

Besides believing,

maybe you should do

a little thinking

from time to time.

I don't want you to get hurt.

'Now, just stop and think

about the ramifications.'

Ramifications?

Dad, is it, is it me

you're worried about

or, or you?

'Or maybe your relationship'

'with Richard's father,

or what?'

I mean..

I mean, I..

I don't know what I mean.

Okay.

When you do, maybe

that would be a better time

to talk about it, huh?

[children clamoring]

Hi, champ,

how are you doing?

Oh, okay, I guess.

What are you doing

around here?

Oh, I figured

I'd cruise by.

I had an extra banana.

- Figured you might like it.

- Sure.

Lot of teachers out here.

When do they eat?

Oh, when nobody's fighting.

You know, Nicholas

it's a funny thing

about bullies.

They're most dangerous

when there's a big crowd around

so that they can show off.

But you get a bully alone

and they are usually

not much interested

in mixing things up.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Now, I'm not telling you

to go out and get in

a fight or anything.

Fighting never solves

any problems.

Yeah, that's what

dad always says.

And he's right.

You know what dad also told me

when I was about your age?

"When all else fails

cover your head

and leave with your left."

Hey, David,

thanks for the banana.

Anytime, champ.

Ah, anybody home?

Hey! Hey, Tom,

how are you doing?

Alright, okay,

it's a nice place you have here.

Yeah, thanks, thanks.

You want some coffee or--

Ah, no, no, thanks, thanks.

I, uh, I was having

a talk with Mary, and I..

Poor guy. I had one with her

myself this morning.

Listen, I tell you, Richard

I-I'm very concerned

about you and her.

Well, we've known

each other long enough

to talk straight

to each other.

This thing is, uh,

something that just, you know

just happens.

It's nobody's fault.

I mean,

Mary is a, a fine person

she's a warm person

with good instincts

and I'm sure she is a joy

to all her friends.

Look, we don't, um,

have to analyze it.

No, no, we do, we do, Tom.

What I'm trying to say is

Mary is not required

to be a joy to everybody

and the fact that she rubs

some people the wrong way

well, that's, uh,

that's no reflection on her

or on you, or on me,

for that matter.

Wait a minute,

I-I don't, uh, follow you.

Well, Mary's strong-willed,

I mean, she's stubborn.

She's probably the most

opinionative woman

I've ever met.

Suddenly I get

the feeling that, uh

you don't like her very much.

Well, it's a free country, Tom.

I mean, nobody has

to like anybody.

[instrumental music]

I cannot believe

what I'm hearing.

Hey, I'm just

being upfront, Tom.

I mean, actually

I don't dislike her, I mean, I..

I'm just tired of

not getting along with her

and I hope this doesn't

affect our relationship.

Oh, but it does.

Uh, but not the way

you imagined.

I-I, uh, I..

It's incredible.

Why don't we g-get together

tonight and have dinner

and then we can talk

about it some more?

- How about it?

- Well, I'd like to.

But, uh, I can't.

Got a previous at Berkeley.

You-you've always got

a previous at Berkeley.

What has Berkeley got?

[music continues]

Her name is Vicky.

'Marvelous, huh?'

When she gets her masters

we're announcing

our engagement.

Congratulations.

Has your father

met her yet?

No, but, uh,

he's crazy about her.

What?

Well, you know,

how it is with these

old-fashioned liberals.

[both laughing]

You want me

to keep you company?

Nope.

Sometimes a guy's gotta

do things all by himself.

[music continues]

You guys go that way.

What are you waiting for,

Bradford, a bus?

I'm waiting for you.

It's just you and me

and we're gonna

settle this thing

once and for all.

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

- Says who?

- Says me.

Now, you're gonna talk or fight?

I don't know,

let's talk about it first.

- Okay, you start.

- No, you.

- You first.

- No, you first.

- You started it!

- Did not!

- Did to!

- Yeah?

Yeah!

[music continues]

Hey.

You need a ride?

- No, thanks.

- What happened?

- 'With what?'

- With Maloney.

Oh, I told him

if he hassles me again

I'm gonna punch him out.

Oh, I see.

Well, listen, two things.

One, don't take all afternoon

getting home.

And two?

Two

stop pushing people around,

alright?

[sighs]

[bag pops]

Oh, my gosh!

- Come on, Nicholas.

- Nicholas!

Would you put the apples in

the bag and stop playing, huh?

- Where's the mayonnaise?

- You want mustard?

- Elizabeth, is this mine?

- Yeah.

- Is this sandwich mine?

- I want, I want the mayonnaise.

May I have your attention,

please?

Ah, may I have

your attention, please?

Why won't they listen to me?

Oh, alright,

listen to Abby

she's going to say

something exciting.

Yes, this, you see,

this thing

has gone on long enough.

Now, I-I really want to know

exactly

what's going on here,

and I will not take

"fine, great, no problem"

for an answer.

So, w-would someone,

would you all please tell me

why is this house

still a mess?

Knowing that we Bradford's

traditionally

take the easy way out

I figured I would give

each of you a chance

to buy his or her way out

of their cleaning assignment.

And let me say you have all

lived up to my expectations.

[chuckles]

That's terrific, honey,

that's great.

But see, that doesn't

get the house cleaned

and that means that

we don't get a maid.

Ah, yes, yes

- But we do, we do.

- How?

You see, I managed

to collect $.

Twenty of which

we will take to buy a maid

for the initial clean up

after that

we're home free.

What about the extra $?

Well, hey, guy's gotta

make a profit somewhere.

I mean, I thought up

this brilliant scheme.

- Oh, good.

- I might have known.

[doorbell dings]

Hey, okay, okay,

that's her, that's her.

Nobody be nervous, okay?

I'm coming!

Everybody be normal.

Coming!

- Buenos dias.

- Oh, Buenos dias.

"Juanita."

Ah, come in.

Everybody, I want you

to meet Juanita.

Juanita..

...mi familia.

So familia?

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro

cinco, seis, siete.

Siete en una casa?

You forgot me.

Ocho? Imposible!

[speaking in Spanish]

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! Come back!

I'll give you a bonus.

She split.

All that work

and all that time

and she splits on me.

Tommy, you've got

dos choices.

Uno, you can

keep the money

and clean the entire

house yourself.

Are you kidding?

Or dos, you can, uh, hire back

your brothers and sisters.

Well, guys...I tried.

And it looks like

we are going to end up

cleaning the house ourselves.

Ah, $?

I wouldn't do the bathroom

for less than five.

But you only gave me four.

Girl's gotta make

a profit somehow.

[clears throat]

Six fifty, please.

Yeah, twelve at least,

come on.

Okay, just give me a !

A $?

I think I'm going bankrupt.

Okay, then just

give me a twenty.

[all laughing]

[instrumental music]

Do you think we'll ever

get this house cleaned?

Oh, yes. I mean,

Rome wasn't cleaned in a day.

Cleaned in..

Oh, I see you're being comical.

[laughing]

So how is the study coming?

Well, I'm working on it.

No, really,

cleaning is like writing

you have to get into it.

So, when are you going

to get into it?

- I'm not into it yet.

- Hey, dad, what's for dinner?

Potluck.

Hey, listen, do you think I can

spend the night at Maloney's?

Tomorrow is not a school day.

- Maloney?

- The bully?

Why would you want

to do that?

Well, two things.

- One, he asked me.

- And?

And, two

they're having spare ribs.

Oh, spare ribs.

He always says that wrong.

- It drives me crazy.

- I always say spare ribs.

- How do you say it?

- Spare...ribs.

Give him a spare rib.

[theme music]

[music continues]