02x16 - Author, Author

[bunniefuu]

Dad, dad, stop, wait.

My teacher said we're supposed

to write a story for tomorrow.

- You wanna hear mine?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

I'd love to hear your story.

Right here?

Uh-huh. Got it

right in my pocket here.

Okay.

"One day, a very nice boy

went to the store to buy a cat.

"When he got there,

the man told him

"the cat costed one dollar

and twenty five cents.

"So the boy took all the money

out of his pockets

and counted cents."

- That's it?

- Uh-huh.

Oh, y-your story

has a very nice start

but, uh, there is no ending.

What's an ending?

An ending is, um,

is-is-is how the story ends.

Oh! Dad, can I borrow

cents?

You are somethin'.

I love happy endings.

[theme music]

- Oops. The editorial.

- Sports.

Uh, I got the sports.

I gotta cut it up for school.

You know,

with a family this large

you think we can afford

two newspapers.

You have nothing

to worry about.

You always have the choice

of Food And Garden

or the Classifieds.

Yes, do you really think

that David's gonna go along

with all this?

Yeah, he owes me for goin' out

with that friend of his.

You know, the one

with the garlic breath.

(Elizabeth)

'Yeah, but, you know,

I didn't think he was that bad.'

Oh, he was an android.

"Appointed ambassador to Togo."

Oh, no!

Jake Hanley

appointed ambassador to Togo!

Well, who's Jake Hanley

and where's Togo?

Hmm? The Togo is a nation

in Africa.

Jake Hanley and I

went to college together.

He..

If it hadn't been for me

he would never have passed

poli sci .

I had to hold his hand

through the entire semester.

It's a miracle

that he passed the finals.

Dad, are you sure that, uh

that this the same

Jake Hanley?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Here's his picture.

He doesn't look any smarter now

than he did then.

Hmm, well, can this guy,

uh, read and write?

He doesn't have to.

He went right into

his father's law firm.

'Boy, what an exciting thing!'

Can you imagine,

in the middle of your life

taking off in an adventure

like that?

And to be the ambassador

to Togo, no less?

Hope he can find it.

Dad, where exactly is Togo?

Oh. Oh, well, um,

here's Africa, right?

And here's, uh,

the Sahara Desert.

And then right under

the Sahara Desert

you have, uh,

the Belgian Congo.

(Mary)

'Uh, wait a minute.'

Dad, there hasn't been

a Belgian Congo for years.

I-I think you mean Zaire.

Oh, yes.

W-well, they keep cha..

I can't keep up

with the changes.

Anyway, it's right down here

to the left, I think.

This is to the..

It's there.

(all)

Surprise!

What the heck

is this all about?

What dedication.

The man has just written

his th column

and he doesn't even know it.

My th column?

Yeah. Uh, you wanna

blow out the candles?

Oh. Oh, alright.

Ah!

Uh, here it is, Mr. Bradford.

'In case you haven't read it.

It's from all of us.'

Oh, I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you'll think of something

sooner or later.

Listen, couldn't we

have cheated?

Why didn't we frame

last Tuesday's column?

'The one I did about the role

of the press in a free society.'

What's the matter

with "The Ode To Spring?"

(Tom)

'Oh, nothing, I guess.'

It's just that, I mean,

you know, I do something

like this along similar lines

every spring.

But, it's a classic, Tom.

Like fine wine,

it gets better with age.

And, uh, I, I have something

else for you, Tom.

'I had intended to present this

to you upon your retirement.'

But what with the pollution

in the air

and the poisons in the foods.

Well, I probably,

won't be around by then.

Oh.

Anyway, here it is.

Gee, that is somethin', boy!

'Isn't that the machine that

your, your father used to use?'

It was just a bother

keeping clean.

Alright, everybody.

Time to quit loafing.

Get back to work.

And that includes you,

Mr. Big Shot.

Time to crank out number .

"Just crank out number ."

That's the way he tells me.

How do you think

that makes me feel?

- Like a machine.

- Exactly.

Especially after I just did

my th column

which was "An Ode To Spring."

That thing

that I churn out every year

only I, I name it

a different flower each year.

Don't downgrade yourself, Tom.

That's a very good column

you write.

I know. I think it's a good

column too. I really do.

It's just that

I wanna do something

with a, a little more depth,

you understand?

I, I don't wanna

keep doing that

the, uh, the spring flowers

every year.

Oh, Greg, I think I'm in a rut.

I really do.

Don't you understand?

I wanna do something

that's more exciting.

Something that's different.

You mean like,

uh, Jake Hanley?

Yes. Exactly.

I got that big oaf

through poli sci

and now he's being appointed

the ambassador to Togo.

I mean if he,

if he can get out of a rut

well, why can't I?

Tom, what about that project

you got up on the shelf?

Oh, no, no.

That was three kids ago.

It was, uh, notes

on a novel, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah,

but it didn't get very far.

[sighs]

Um, Ed Hanley,

the guy who, uh

had the office

down the hall from me.

He had a project

just like yours.

'Left it on the shelf

for years.'

And?

One day, at dinner

lurched forward

right into his salad.

Listen, Tom, I got a patient,

uh, who's a writer.

Makes a lot of money.

He says the secret

is a good agent.

'He got six figures'

for the motion picture rights

to a dream.

Why don't you let me call him

and see if I can set

something up with his agent?

'All you have to do

is talk to him. That's all.'

Alright.

Guess it wouldn't do any harm.

Greg, do you think

that I could write a novel?

Of course,

you can write a novel.

Do you have any idea

what people do with my column

when they're finished

reading it?

They wrap fish in it.

They start fires with it.

But a novel,

now that's different.

That's permanent.

It has substance.

Nobody is gonna

wrap a flounder in that?

It'll be a little tricky.

- I'm dead serious, Abby.

- I know, Tom.

I mean, I've come

to a point in life

where I've gotta find out

where my limits are.

I've gotta take some chances.

Go for the roses.

I'm gonna wake some morning

and find myself a grandfather.

When that day rolls around

I don't wanna feel like

I've settled for second best.

That I've, that I've given up

on my dreams

before even giving them

a chance.

Do you understand

what I'm tryin' to say, Abby--

Yes, I do.

I mean, it's a gamble.

I could fail.

It's gonna take a lot

of belt tightening around here.

- Well, I'm ready if you are.

- But you know what Greg says.

He says that I could probably

get a $ advance

on the basis

of a good outline, you know.

And then if they would just give

me two weeks leave of absence

plus my own

two weeks vacation

I think we could swing it.

I'm sure we can.

I think you ought to do it.

- You do?

- Yeah.

Oh.

What's the matter?

You look almost disappointed.

No, no, it's just that I thought

I'll have to convince you

and, well, you sound like

you're already convinced.

You want a little flack?

- Try the kids.

- Oh, yeah, you're right.

They're always good

for a little flack.

Ah, Nancy,

you'll never get him to do it.

Why not?

Well, number one, David likes

to pick his own women.

And number two,

Sheryl and her whole family

including Cousin Eric

are too snooty for David.

Well, you think that anyone

who doesn't go around

in tennis shoes all the time

is snooty.

Yeah, we're not talking about

me, we're talking about David

and if there's anything

he hates, it's a snob.

Hi, ladies.

- Ah, speak of the devil.

- In tennis shoes.

Hey, what's the big powwow

all about?

Oh, one of dad's

big proclamations.

Hmm, oh, boy.

Hi, there, handsome.

Uh-oh.

What do you want?

David, do you remember

about a month ago

when you asked me to go out

with your friend Quinton?

Vaguely.

And I went out with him

even though he was

from another planet.

Oh, come on,

he wasn't that bad.

David, he was a turkey.

And his legs were too long

for his pants.

[laughs]

But because

I love you so much

I'm only asking you to go out

with the most beautiful girl

in Sacramento. Sheryl Davies.

Is that so?

What's in it for you?

Eric Baer.

We'll double date.

Well, how come you can't get

your hooks into this guy

without my getting involved?

Because Eric is Sheryl's cousin

and she won't set it up unless

I get a her a date with you.

What if I refuse?

Well, um, you remember that

little trip you took to Tijuana?

Dad just might

find out about it.

I knew you'd see it my way.

Um, would all of you please

come into the living room?

I have something

I wanna tell you.

Blackmailer!

- Hey.

- Please.

What's up?

What you readin'?

- Oh, just the news.

- Oh, yeah, the news, huh?

Look, I-I-I have

an announcement

that I wanna make

that concerns the whole family.

That's why I asked you

all to gather in here

together at the same time

and in the same place.

Uh, this concerns something

that's very important to me

and by extension,

the same to you as well.

- What is it, dad?

- What is it, yeah?

Well, uh, I'm gonna

write a novel.

What are you writing about?

I am going to write about

what I know best.

- A large family.

- You mean us?

Well, not exactly.

No, you see, a writer draws

upon his own life experience

and then he alters

and shadows that

to fit the form of his work.

So in a sense,

I will be writing about you

but then again,

in a sense, I won't be

because, uh, well, you see..

I, I am not going

to, t-to make this

a, a cheap expose

on the Bradford family.

I mean, I will not

invade your privacy.

This is just gonna be

very open and honest

in the same true way

that we've always

trusted each other

in this family.

So are there any, uh, questions?

Good.

Well, then, um, there's one

other little formality

that I would like

to take care of.

I would appreciate it

if you would sign

these releases

that I have here.

Just in case we get

an interested publisher.

- Are you serious?

- Uh-huh. Here you go.

- Dad.

- He's serious.

What's a release?

Oh, a release is,

um, piece of paper

with a line on the bottom

that you sign.

Here you go.

There you are.

[indistinct chatter]

[clears throat]

Notes..

...for..

...outline.

Un...titled..

...novel.

Chapter...one.

Notes for outline.

Pieces of eight.

Chapter one.

David, my oldest son.

What can I say

about David, my firstborn?

Uh, Susan.

There's something

I wanna talk to you about.

Dad, how much money

do you think is on this table?

- Oh, I have no idea.

- Neither do I.

Well, what did you do?

Rob a bank?

No, I'm the lucky treasurer

of the volleyball team.

So I get to collect

the charter bus money.

Oh, yeah, that's cute.

Listen, th-there's a couple

of questions

that I wanna ask you

about the canoe trip

that we took on the Yuba,

then I'll disappear.

Dad, I'm really running late.

So couldn't you just go out back

and ask Tommy to do it?

I'm sure he would love

to answer all your questions.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's a good idea. Thanks.

- Hi, dad.

- Hi.

Hey, Susan, it's all set.

It's gonna happen just like

I said it would.

Nancy got David

to call Sheryl.

No, but he said

that he was going to.

I still say he won't

go through with it.

- You wanna make a bet.

- I certainly do.

Okay, how about

two week's dishwashing?

- You got it.

- Alright.

- And you got some of this.

- What is this?

- Count, please.

- Okay.

Five, ten..

Oh, you mean the time

that Joannie ironed her hair

and it caught on fire?

Eh, no, no, no.

This was the Yuba river trip.

The time that, um, Susan

tipped over in the canoe.

Nicholas insisted

that he saw an elephant

and, uh, was that the trip

that Mary's boyfriend

came along. He got very sick.

Yeah, I think it was.

Only it was a bear,

not an elephant.

Well, I'd prefer elephant.

Poetic license.

Oh, you mean poets

have a license to lie?

Oh, no, not lie.

Interpret.

Well, dad, you're not gonna

be, uh, interpreting

any family things, are you?

No, no. Not exactly.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, please, daddy.

I don't wanna look too anxious.

You get it.

No, it-it's Bert Sklar for me

and I'd rather you got it.

Oh, no no no.

I think it's Eric for me.

- Bert Sklar.

- Eric.

- Sklar.

- Eric!

Sklar!

Butter.

I, um, had to go out

for without my house key.

Um, has the agent arrived yet?

No no, not yet.

- What agent?

- Bert Sklar.

He's comin' to the house

for dinner tonight.

He's the biggest literary agent

in Sacramento.

Oh.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that-that must be

Bert Sklar.

Now, you get it.

It's your turn--

- It's Eric.

- Sklar.

Hi. Hi, pops.

Hey, your date's car broke down.

We have to use my van.

David, you need a tie.

Oh, I've got one in my pocket.

Come on, let's go.

- Bye, dad.

- Bye, dad.

Oh. Excuse me.

Oh, uh, ahem.

Hi, I'm Tom.

Hello. Bertram Sklar.

Yes.

Well, w-would like to have

a drink before dinner?

Sounds good to me.

Nancy looked like she was on her

way to the French Riviera.

Yeah, and Dave looked like

he was going to the dentist.

[laughs]

Oh, that's a cute description.

I-I should make a note of that

for the book, right?

Hey, dad, you know,

I'm not so sure

I want everything I say

written down.

Don't be silly, Tommy.

You should be proud your father

might use your words.

That was a cute description.

And this is a cute family.

'Tom, I tell you,

it's going to be a best seller.'

And the next step is a movie.

A movie?

I'm sure it's a bit

more complicated

than you make it seem, Bert.

Don't kid yourself, Abby.

I've already spoken

to somebody in the studio

and I got good feedback.

Gee, I don't know. I haven't

even written the book yet.

I don't have a problem

with that.

You-you don't, but I sure do.

You're a good writer, Tom.

I wouldn't be here

if I didn't believe that.

I read that "Ode To Spring"

column of yours the other day.

I found it fresh and inventive.

I liked last year's

flower better.

You know, this is what

the young Hemmingway drank

when he wrote

those masterful short stories.

[sniffs]

Ah.

What do you think made

those stories so powerful, Tom?

Brandy?

Wrong, Tom.

I'll tell you

in three words, Tom.

Powerful.

Human.

Emotions.

For example, Tom,

take your daughters.

Now they all must have, well

the older one certainly

must have had experiences.

I want all that

in the book, Tom.

Every secret morsel of it.

That's what people buy books

to read about.

Oh, yes, sure.

I mean, I'm sure

that my daughter's experiences

are a very important part

of their growing up.

But, Bert, having eight children

is quite an experience too.

Anyone can have

eight children, Tom.

Oh. Yeah. Sure. I guess.

What we need to see

are eight unique stories.

When people read your novel,

we wanna see them laugh

and we wanna see them cry.

Believe me, Tom.

Every time we retch a gut

that old cash register

goes crazy.

[laughs]

I gotta get to class.

Do you think you can handle

the dishes, Susie?

Oh, well,

if I can't handle them

I'm sure Elizabeth

would love to.

- Okay.

- Mrs. Bradford.

Bye, Mr. Sklar.

So our high level

confab's over?

Yeah, for the time being.

You know,

I really liked that Bert.

I mean, he is more

like a collaborator.

He's very, uh,

literate and articulate

and, and he believes in me

and my project.

So do I.

Hey, you guys, listen.

Tell me what you think, okay?

I've narrowed it down

between Liza and Bette.

Who?

Minnelli or Midler for the part

of Joannie, obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Joannie,

you're not realizing

you're not a Bette,

you're more of an Ali.

- MacGraw?

- No, Muhammad.

[laughs]

Oh, thanks a lot!

[laughs]

- Bye.

- Bye.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

You got everything wrong.

Wrong? It was your fault.

What do you mean my fault?

I mean that the whole thing

was your fault.

Well, who-whose fault

what was?

(together)

She/He got us kicked out

of the restaurant.

One at a time.

[sighs]

It was a social disaster.

David was so crude,

I couldn't beli--

Just try talking

to those phonies

that she hangs around with.

I mean, what a bunch of snobs,

my sister included.

I have never been so humiliated

in all my life.

My own brother

doing this to me.

How do you think I feel?

- What are you doing?

- You can't write about this.

Nothing. You don't understand.

It's alright.

I understand one thing. I just

saw you dive for your notepad.

- David, we agreed.

- Well, I'm un-agreeing.

From now on, everything I do

or say is off the record.

I want my release back.

Well, I don't wanna be made

into a laughing stock.

I want my release back too.

Please! What about my book?

My literary agent is expecting

a novel about eight children.

Well, you'll have to adopt

two substitutes. We're out.

I-I don't suppose

there is anything

I could say or do that would,

uh, change your mind.

- No, I don't suppose so.

- Nope.

I didn't think so.

Alright. No problem.

I'll give you your releases.

Here they are.

Right here.

Uh, but before you take

the releases

don't you think you owe me

the courtesy

of at least a final word?

Is there any way

we can stop you?

No.

First of all, let me tell you

that I'm very hurt.

To think that you would believe

that I would do anything

to harm either one of you.

No, it's not just that, dad.

It's just that I don't want you

to write about this

like it was all my fault.

You always listen to David

because he's older.

Oh, come on,

you know you have him

wrapped around

your little finger.

(Tom)

'Oh, wait a minute now.'

Aren't we all forgetting

that I'm the journalist

of the family?

Journalists are trained

to be objective.

'So why don't you

just calm down?'

Tell me your sides of the story

and then we could all arrive

at the truth together?

Alright?

Who would like to lead off?

- Ladies first.

- Fine.

Well, to begin with,

David was a super drag

right from the very beginning.

I was a drag. You were the one

who keep whining about--

David, hold it, huh?

If we're going to do this,

we'll do it properly.

We'll start

with the ground rules.

First of all,

don't interrupt Nancy

because you'll have

plenty of time

to talk when she's finished.

And, Nancy, as far as you're

concerned, don't editorialize.

Just stick to the facts.

You asked for it.

(Nancy)

Well, dad,

I've been looking forward

to riding

in Eric's sports car.

But as luck would have it,

it wasn't running.

So we had to arrive

at Los Caballos

in David's crummy old van.

You should've seen

the look on David's face

when the attendant

asked for a lousy dollar

to park the van.

It took forever for David

to find a space.

Two and a half blocks away,

I might add.

After a long walk, we finally

got back to the restaurant.

Of course, David got off

on the wrong foot

right away with Sheryl

by leering at her openly

and pawin' at her

like an animal.

Only Eric's good breeding saved

us from the total humiliation.

Thank goodness,

we got a table right away

before David's bad manners

could make a fool of him.

[speaking in Spanish]

Enjoy your dinner.

- Everything alright?

- Yes, thank you.

Ready to order?

May I suggest an alternative

to the paella?

Everyone orders that.

Shall I order

for the table, David?

I'll have the paella, thank you.

(male #)

'Paella.'

For the ladies and myself,

the ponta gallego.

Ponta gallego.

Accompanied by

a light red Rioja.

[speaking in Spanish]

Uh, well, um, you two

have a lot in common.

You're both in the construction

business, I mean.

David builds buildings

and, uh, Eric owns them.

Oh, no, I don't exactly

own them, Nancy.

Uh, Sheryl's father,

my uncle..

That's fine.

My uncle does.

I just work for him.

Perhaps, you know him.

His name is Stedman.

Oh, yes, I know.

We went on strike

against him last winter.

I guess that put you and me

on opposite sides

of the fence, doesn't it?

Uh, we don't have to be.

I mean, management and labor

can shake hand

across that fence.

Management built

that fence, Eric.

I don't think they had

shaking hands in mind.

Um, I don't know

what you mean?

I mean, the strike breakers

you hired to break the strike.

[laughs]

I don't think you have

your facts straight.

Are you calling me a liar?

- No.

- I've had enough.

[gasps]

Sorry, it's a nice bouquet.

Luckily, they kicked us all out

before David could cause

anymore damage.

Dad, I was so embarrassed.

I could've just died.

If Nancy's fairy tale--

Just stick

to the facts, please.

Leave the rest to me.

Fine.

(David)

We had to take my van

because Eric's $, sports

car was in the shop again.

First thing I find out is

it's gonna cost me

a buck and a half

to have some toreador

and red pants park my van

when there's a space

half a block away.

I couldn't believe

Nancy kicked up such a fuss

about having to walk

a half a block.

As for Sheryl, if she's really

as attractive as Nancy says

she managed

to disguise it pretty well

under a ton of makeup.

What do you mean

there's no new table?

Look, I have four others.

[speaking in Spanish]

Oh, yeah, I'd like the, uh,

paella, please. Thank you.

May I suggest

an alternative to paella?

- Everyone orders that.

- Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah, great.

For the ladies and myself,

ponta gallego

'accompanied by--'

Hold it.

Go ahead.

Accompanied by

a light red Riojo.

- Rioja.

- Rioja.

Well, um, you both have a lot

in common. You know that?

Um, you both are in

the construction business.

How about that?

David builds buildings

but Eric owns them.

I don't exactly own them.

Sheryl's father,

my uncle does.

I work for him.

Perhaps you've heard of him.

The name is Stedman.

Oh, yeah, I know him.

Well, we went on strike

against him last winter.

I guess that puts you and me

on opposite sides

of the fence, doesn't it?

We don't have to be.

Management and labor can shake

hands across that fence.

Oh, management built that fence.

I don't think they had

shaking hands in mind, Eric.

Now, what's that

suppose to mean?

I mean, the strike breakers

you hired to break the strike.

You do not have

your facts straight!

- Are you calling me a liar?

- David.

- 'Oh.'

- 'Oh, David.'

Hey, I'm sorry.

Oh, oh.

Easy, excuse me.

[sighs]

And if you believe that garbage,

you'll believe anything.

Believe it,

that's the way it happened.

Oh, well,

that's very interesting.

Don't you both feel better now

that you've gotten that off

your chest?

'Look.

Here's what I'm gonna do.'

I'm going to take both versions,

blend them together

and then just see

where it comes out.

And what if we don't like it?

Oh, if you don't like,

it doesn't go in the book.

I mean, isn't that fair?

- I don't know.

- Yeah.

In the mean time, I'm goin'

to take these releases

and put them away

where they're safe.

'Don't you worry about it.'

I promise. You'll see.

[knock on door]

- Yes.

- 'Uh, excuse me, dad.'

(Joannie)

'It's Joannie,

I was wondering'

'if I could talk to you?'

Is it important?

Kinda.

Alright, make, make it quick

though, will you?

I've had so many interruptions.

Listen, dad.

Um, I've been thinking

and I've had a couple of ideas

for casting of the rest

of the members of the family.

Now tell me what you think.

Cybill Shepherd

for Nancy, huh?

And, and Jane Fonda for Mary.

Wha-what about Warren Beatty

for David, huh?

'Robert Young for Doctor Max?'

Uh, look, Joannie, there won't

be any casting or any movie

if I don't get

some peace and quiet

so I can finish this book.

Now, please,

save your suggestions

'for some future time.'

Oh, boy,

I was just tryin' to help.

- Joannie.

- What?

Who-who did you have in mind

for my part?

I thought Rex Harrison, maybe.

Hmm. Interesting thought.

Tony Osmond, yeah.

[knocks]

(Tom)

'Yes'

Dad, can I talk to you?

'I'm busy now, Tommy.'

'You will just have

to wait till morning.'

- 'Goodnight.'

- Okay, goodnight, dad.

Oh, boy.

The only problem

with working at home

is when you get finished,

you can't go home.

How was your day at class?

It was okay.

I've just finished reading

your chapter notes on Joan.

And?

I wish I'd met her.

In a way, I guess

I, I feel like I have.

You did a beautiful job, Tom.

Especially your description

of how she looked

that morning on the Yuba River.

She was the first one up.

And from our tent..

...I could see her cooking

the breakfast on the fire

without her knowing.

The sun was coming up

on the river behind her.

It was quite a picture.

'Abby?'

Does that make you jealous?

[chuckles]

Yeah, I guess a little bit.

Yeah.

Oh.

You have no reason to be.

I know.

(Tom on recorder)

'Joannie's pre-teen tendency

towards being an introvert.'

'Notes on chapter five.'

'Tommy.'

'I think the most dramatic

material here is clearly'

'Tommy's early adolescent

bed-wetting period.'

'It's got

strong emotions, conflict'

'and compelling human interest.'

'Just what Bert Sklar wants.'

Hi, Bosley. What does Charlie

want us to be today?

Mermaids?

Farrah Fawcett Majors.

Right.

Do you think

we should let her play me?

You know there's one actress

that you've never mentioned

that would better than anybody

else you suggested.

Maybe you never heard of it.

Did you ever hear of, uh,

Joannie Bradford?

Aw. I thought you would

never ask? Thank you.

I hate to break up

this casting meeting

but I gotta go write a book.

Yeah, when's it gonna

be finished?

At this rate, never.

(Mary)

'You know I can't believe

that we have got to'

'come out to the backyard

to get privacy.'

Yeah, the walls have

ears in there.

- Yeah, they do.

- When's he gonna get done?

I don't know, but just think

he is in there somewhere

writing about the most

embarrassing situations.

'You know, even Nicholas

is gonna get it?'

Well, uh, why can't he find

something else to write about?

What am I gonna get?

Um, Nicholas,

remember that story

about you and the elephant?

Dad's gonna write about it.

Oh, no, not that story.

He always tells that story

and besides, I was just kidding

and it wasn't an elephant

and I was only five.

He thinks it's cute, Nicholas.

I don't think it's cute.

I think it's dumb.

Well, Nicholas, uh,

why don't you write a book

and then you can tell

your side of the story, huh?

Yeah, I can tell

about the time

when dad woke up with

the ice pack on his head.

[laughs]

Oh, uh, Tom?

Nice to see you.

Uh, sorry about the mess.

- My secretary's on vacation.

- Oh, no, that's alright.

I'm sorry t-to drop in

on you like this.

I've been tryin' to get you

on the telephone

for the last few days,

but, uh..

Well, you know how it is

when your secretary

leaves the office.

Phone never stops ringing.

I had to take it off the hook.

Listen, Tom, I just got off

the horn with a big producer

down in LA and he's very anxious

to get some pages.

Very anxious. Tom, we're sitting

on a gold mine here.

- A real gold mine.

- Oh, boy, that's wonderful.

Uh, that's what I wanted

to talk to you about, Bert.

'The gold mine.'

I-I could sure use

some of that advance.

Oh, check's probably caught

in the computer.

You know how it is. Everything's

computerized this days.

When do you think

I could expect it?

I always was under

the impression

that that's what

advance meant it.

In advance of the writing.

Tom.

Tom.

You're an artist.

Just let me worry

about the messy details.

That's my job.

Now you get right back

to that typewriter and create.

Now I'm gonna get

on the blower right away

and take care of that advance.

Now you just keep

those typewriter keys humming.

Humming, humming.

[humming]

[knock on door]

Now what? Yes?

(Joannie)

'Uh, dad, can we talk to you?

It's kind of important.'

Come in.

What is this? A demonstration?

Alright.

Dad, uh, we've all been giving

some thoughts

to the matter of the book

and we figured that since we're

having some trouble anyway

we'd try to save you some time.

So we each prepared our own

little set of guidelines.

Well, you know, what you can

and cannot write about

'in each of the chapters.'

Right, see, uh

we thought we'd give you

our guidelines now

and that way you won't

have to waste any time

writin' about the wrong thing.

Right. So, uh, here's mine.

And, uh, here's mine, dad.

Um, I hope you don't mind,

but, um, I wrote up

some guidelines

on my character in the movie

as, as well as my chapters

in the book.

Thank you.

Um, I wrote up

the Yuba River trip, dad

and, uh, so you could

get it right.

It wasn't me

who tipped over the canoe

and it was Tommy,

not Nicholas who saw the bear.

'And, uh, it wasn't a bear,

it was a beaver.'

Uh, this is all I could come up

with on such short notice.

And here's mine.

Nicholas, wait a minute.

What is this?

It's just a lot of numbers.

Yeah, that was

my approved years.

You could write about

one, two, three, four

six, seven and eight.

I didn't like being five.

So just leave that year

out of your book.

Thanks, dad.

Boy, oh, boy. I thought

that one editor was bad.

- Now I've got eight.

- Hi, Tom.

- What are you talking about?

- Them.

They marched into my study

and they presented me

with guidelines

as to what I can

and what I can't write about.

I'd be better off in Russia.

At least in Russia, if they

don't like what you write

they throw you in jail

and that's the end of it.

This, this is slow t*rture.

Look, what Nicholas

presents me with.

A, a list

of his approved years.

In other words, I can't write

about anything that happened

to Nicholas

when he was five years old.

He didn't like that year.

[chuckles]

Well, nobody said

it was gonna be easy.

Oh, but come on.

I mean, they're so sensitive.

They act like I'm going

to ruin their reputations.

Well, you did promise

to be open and honest

about this book, remember?

They haven't even read it yet.

I mean, and they're telling me

what to write about?

Tom, they have a right

to a certain amount of privacy.

They signed releases.

So what are you gonna do?

Take your children to court?

- That's it.

- Look, Abby.

You can't even

hire a lawyer--

Do you think that maybe

I shouldn't write the book?

I can't answer that, Tom.

I just think that,

that you need to take

everyone's feelings

into consideration.

- I wanna write this book.

- Well, then write it.

But just don't lose

sight of the trees

because of the forest.

[chuckles]

(Tom on recorder)

'Notes on chapter five.'

'Tommy.'

'I think the most dramatic

material here'

'is clearly Tommy's early

adolescent bed-wetting period.'

'He's got strong emotions,

conflict'

'and compelling human interest.'

'Just what Bert Sklar wants.'

(Tommy on recorder)

'Dad, I can't believe you're

actually writing about that.'

'Maybe great for your book,

but it's my life.'

'All I can say is'

'you must really wanna be famous

to do this to me.'

Oh, dad, uh, here, I forgot

a few corrections that I--

Yeah, there's no time

for that right now.

Is Tommy home from school yet?

Um, yeah,

well, he's out back

chopping woods

for the fireplace.

Uh, but, dad..

Tommy.

You had no right to listen

to those tapes last night.

First of all,

you invaded my privacy.

Secondly, they were

in preliminary form.

It's gonna be different

in the book.

Look, I know

that you're angry, Tommy

but can't you at least

give me a chance?

I mean, wait till

the book is finished.

I promise you'll come out

in a good light.

Look at Nancy and David.

I mean, they were angry--

There were two sides

to that story.

How many are there to mine?

Thanks, John.

Well, you've gotta

hand it to him.

He made his feelings known.

Yeah, he sure did.

Look, dad, if you can

write your novel

without hurting

the family's feeling, fine.

- But if not--

- Well, how can I?

Everybody insists

on taking this all personally.

Well, it is personal.

How can I write a book

and make all the incidents

that my character do perfect?

Nobody will read the book.

So nobody would read

the book, so what?

So what?

Well, so I'd be a failure,

that's what.

I mean, a man has to achieve

something in this life.

He has to be remembered

for something.

Dad, you raised eight children

who appear to be

decent human beings.

I think

that's pretty memorable.

No, no, no. I'm not

talking about that.

I'm talking about the book.

Why don't you talk to Tommy?

Explain to him.

I mean, he's so upset,

he won't even talk to me.

I think I'm on his side.

Face it, dad.

As a novelist,

you're a terrific father.

You're a big help.

Oh, listen, excuse me.

Listen, what would you do?

My children don't want me

to write a book about them.

You mean, you really

want my advice?

Yeah. What would you do?

Well, I'd tell you,

if I was you I'd go home

and figure out the relative

importance of my commitment

to maintain

my own artistic integrity

as against my commitment

to the nuclear family

as a self-concept,

as an interlocking network

of mutually supportive

interdependencies.

Once I settle that,

my course is clear.

- Thank you.

- Oh, don't mention it.

- Tom, where have you been?

- Uh..

Oh, I was so worried about you.

Are you alright?

Oh, no. I'm alright. I just,

uh, wanna talk to everybody.

- Dad, are you alright?

- Hi, I'm okay.

I-I just wanted

to say something to you.

To all of you, I..

'...guess I must have

walked, uh, miles'

'in the last couple of hours'

'trying to sort things

out in my mind.'

You all know how important

writing this book is to me.

What you don't know is

how important you all are to me?

I guess

I didn't know that either

until I saw the pain

in my son's face.

'I realize that I was

the cause of that pain'

because I wanted to do something

that was going hurt him.

I wanted to write the book.

Why?

Because I guess

I was afraid of getting old

and not having something

concrete to show for it.

All the time, I was forgetting

that I have something

much more valuable

than most men.

I have eight..

...make that nine, books

far more precious than anything

I could write about.

So, uh, I'm still going

to write that book.

But they will be

a limited edition.

Twelve to be exact.

'One for each one of us'

one for the Maxwells

and one for the library

of Congress.

[laughs]

Dad, that's great.

Here are your releases.

We won't be needing

these anymore.

[laughs]

Incidentally, I've decided

to go back to being a father

in my spare time.

The hours aren't so hot, but..

...fringe benefits are terrific.

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughs]

(Elizabeth)

Hey, Mary. Abby. Abby.

- Dad.

- Joannie.

Tommy, something's up.

- Okay, folks, here it is.

- What is it?

What's this?

- Ah.

- 'His book.'

I've decided to call it

"Eight Is Enough."

Thank you. Look at that.

- Thank you.

- Here you go.

(Joannie)

'"Eight Is Enough."'

(Tommy)

Wait, wait a minute, dad?

Dad, this is just the stuff

that we gave you.

It's just the guidelines.

Yeah.

Oh, what are you smiling about?

- I'm waiting for the reviews.

- What do you mean?

[Joannie gasps]

Here they come.

Dad, you left out a page.

Oh, good grief, dad,

you still didn't get

the Yuba River trip right.

'It was Tommy, not Nicholas

who saw that beaver.'

Wait a second, wait a minute.

Why, why is Joannie's chapter

before mine?

I only got one page

with numbers on it.

[laughs]

So sue me.

[theme music]