[instrumental music]
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, Nicholas.
Dad, can I have a dog like
my friend Kenny P. Landers?
I'm afraid not.
Well, you don't have
to tell me now, you know.
Why don't you think it over?
Okay.
Sorry, I just thought it over
the answer is still no,
you can't have a dog.
There's enough mouths
to feed as is.
Yeah, but I can feed him,
you know
and I'll always have someone
to talk to and play with.
Well, what's the matter
with your brothers and sisters?
They're always too busy.
Oh.
I know what we could get you
for a pet, a plant.
A what?
A plant!
You would be responsible
for the growth
of a living thing.
You would have to give it
plenty of food and water
see to it that it gets
plenty of sunshine.
Okay, dad.
Doesn't seem
very exciting, though.
Oh, it is,
it's very exciting.
That settles it,
a plant for Nicholas.
'No more talk
about the dog.'
Dad, can I give my plant a name?
Absolutely.
What name did you
have in mind?
Rover.
[theme music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
Oh, boy, are you as tired
as you look?
Yes, I am.
Why is it the day before
vacation always have
to be so hectic?
Oh, anything I can do?
Yes, you could point me towards
the bedroom and push.
All I want is this nice,
quiet little bed
and I'm just gonna sleep
until next Friday.
Seven days of peace
and tranquility.
Why are you shaking your head?
[chuckling]
- My dear wife.
- What?
Your innocence
is really refreshing.
Yeah?
You correlate vacation
with relaxation.
- This is not true?
- Not true.
I mean, the winter vacation
a la Bradford
also known as
seven days in February
is a free for all of frenzy,
it's a madhouse of mayhem
mirth and merriment.
It's a week
not easily forgotten.
But do not worry, dear wife,
because it only lasts till
seven days, and then you can
go back to work and relax again.
No, but the house
sounds quiet now.
Oh, merely a ploy.
The calm before the storm.
Well, thanks for
the storm warning.
My pleasure.
Anything else
I can do for you?
Mm-hmm.
You could stop being
so cheerful.
Alright.
[chuckles]
I don't like blind dates.
Don't think of her
as a blind date.
I mean, think of her as a date
you haven't seen yet.
I don't see the difference.
The difference is
that this gorgeous girl
will not go out with me unless
I find a date for her friend.
Hey, Fred..
And we haven't been
friends too long
so I wanna tell you
a little story.
No, I don't wanna hear
any stories.
All I wanna hear
is you saying
"Yes, buddy, I'll do it."
As I was saying,
I'd like to tell you
a little story about
my last blind date.
I don't remember her name
but, uh, for the purposes
of the story
let's call her Moose.
Nice.
Moose was a lot taller
than I was.
Moose was probably
a lot stronger than I was
and Moose was certainly
a lot uglier than I was.
Yes, but what about
her personality, hmm?
As refined as a cabbage.
Look, we'll go to a nice,
out of the way quiet place.
You won't have
to look at her.
You won't have
to talk to her.
Just show up.
Please.
Oh, I hate to see
a grown man beg.
Then you'll do it?
No, I just hate to see
a grown man beg.
[laughing]
♪ Da da da-da ♪♪
Hey, what's going on?
Stag night, can't you tell?
Yeah, there's a new disco
in old town, dad
and we got the boogie fever.
- 'That's right.'
- What does that mean?
I have no idea, Nicholas.
Listen, girls,
do me a favor, will you?
'Don't break your curfew,
I'd hate to ground you'
'on the first night
of your vacation.'
Glad you brought that up, dad.
Oh, did I bring something up?
Mm, yeah, three different
curfews make goin' out
together very difficult.
Yeah.
Especially since mine
is the earliest.
- Oh, what did you have in mind?
- 'A new curfew.'
How about a sensible hour?
Just for tonight.
You know, you expect me
to give you carte blanche
to come home
whenever you want?
'I mean, if you would've
said to me'
'"Dad, could you extend
the curfew for one hour?"'
- She'll take it.
- I'll take it.
Thanks, dad.
See, I told you
I could talk him into it.
- 'Woogie.'
- 'Whoo-hoo.'
[disco music]
[music continues]
Oh, my gosh, I've never
seen such collection
of losers in my life.
I think it's time
for old Joannie
to launch an offense.
[hooting]
You sound like an owl.
Over the stairs.
Oh, Joannie,
on a scale from one to ten
I think I'd give him
my scorecard.
I think he's kind
of interesting.
(both)
Interesting.
Hello?
Goodbye.
Hi.
What's your name?
Josh.
Oh, I'm Joannie,
how do you do?
Like dancin'?
Hey, hiya, hon.
What do you say
we get, uh, stoned?
You say, you get lost.
What are you doin'?
Listen, Susan, believe me
whatever you do,
you gotta push 'em away
or they'll never stop
bugging you.
Oh, picky, picky.
See anybody here you like?
Yeah.
Him.
Watch this.
Smile always works.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Would you like to dance?
(both)
Sure.
She'd like to dance.
Of course she would.
Okay, now, where did you
get these seeds?
Kenny P. Landers
gave 'em to me.
Oh, alright,
now watch what I do.
First of all,
it's very important
that we moisten the soil.
See that? See?
Now, after we do that,
we have to give it
a little fertilizer.
What's fertilizer?
Oh, it's, it helps
make the plant grow.
Uh, where does it come from?
Uh, it, um, it-it comes
uh, it is, well, there's cows
and there's horses
and they're like people.
They eat and they..
It-it-it, it's-it's very nice.
Oh, I get it.
It's another one of those things
I have to find out for myself.
[disco music]
If you don't like discos,
how come you're here?
Why am I here?
Yeah.
I'm here because
the human condition is here.
Here is where lonely people
come to be lonely together.
Here is where people
come and act artificial
in order to forget
how miserable they really are.
Are you miserable?
Oh, sure.
And so are you.
Believe me, I can
see it in your eyes.
Oh, no,
I'm-I'm not miserable
I'm, it's, um,
smoke in here.
You see, the smoke
makes you miserable.
And what about the people
who do the smoking?
Why do you think
they do that to themselves?
Because it makes them forget
how hopeless everything is.
And that's what I hope
to bring out in my play.
I'm here doing research.
You are writing a play?
Oh.
What is it about?
Destruction and despair
amidst the atmosphere
of the singles bar.
Why'd you stop?
You know, uh
usually a guy like me comes
to a place like this, and..
...uh, I'm just glad
I met you, Susan.
[alarm ringing]
Oh. Oh, no.
I, uh, was supposed to call
a business associate earlier
and it completely
slipped my mind.
Uh, do you mind?
Uh, I mean, you don't disappear
on me now, okay?
I won't, I won't.
'I'll be right,
I'll be right back.'
Okay.
So, tell me, Howard,
how long have you been a doctor?
Uh, not long enough.
That's why I'm still an intern.
[chuckles]
Well, where did you
study medicine?
Harvard.
You know, most people I say
that to think that I'm bragging.
Why?
If that's where
you went to school
that's where you
went to school, right?
Uh, where did you attend school?
Sacramento High School
and nobody ever thinks
I'm bragging.
Hey, uh,
can I buy you a drink?
Uh, only if you allow me
to buy you one.
What are you drinking?
Ginger ale.
Well, I'm driving.
[knock on door]
Uh, come in.
- Hi.
- Hi, Tommy.
Well...I'm doomed.
Oh, as long as
there's nothing important
I'll go back to study, okay?
No, really, Mary,
this is serious.
Big mouth Bradford's
done it again.
Okay, go.
Alright, well, you remember
I told you about Linda Imes
that transfer student
from Peoria?
I've been dying to go out
with her, so I've been
holding my breath and waiting
for the right moment.
So finally
the right moment came.
So we're sitting there
talkin' at lunch
and she said that
she liked Fleetwood Mac
and that she wanted to go
to their concert next week.
So I said,
"Hey, great, no problem.
I just happen
to have two tickets."
Oh, lucky you, that concert
I heard was sold out weeks ago.
Yeah, so did I
when I got to
the box office today.
Oh, well, you just
have to tell her the truth, huh?
Mary, that's not the type
of advice I'm looking for.
Well, I'm sorry.
Look, she's bound
to understand, really..
- Wait a second.
- You got an idea?
I have an idea.
Carol J. is giving away
free tickets to the concert
uh, every few hours,
you know
the first person to call in
and identify the song
wins two free tickets.
Yeah, but Mary,
half of Sacramento's
gotta be trying to call.
Yes, Tommy, but half
of Sacramento does not
have a date with Linda Imes.
Yeah.
[upbeat music]
Nancy, I'd like you
to meet John--
Go away,
you're gonna k*ll the mood.
That's okay with me, fine.
- Oh, see you at home.
- Weird.
Uh, who was that girl?
Oh, that was my sister,
Joannie.
Tell me, Howard
what type of medicine
will you be practicing?
Oh, I won't be
practicing medicine
I hope to go into research.
As a matter of fact, I'm waiting
to hear from Stanford now.
Uh, I've applied for a grant
in genetic research.
Hi, Nance, I'd like you
to meet Michael Slade
a stockbroker.
Don't tell me.
Let me guess,
another sister.
Susan, this is Howard.
- Howard's a doctor.
- Oh, a doctor.
Hey, doc, hey, doc,
it really hurts when I do that.
Uh, your line is
"Then don't do that."
I know.
Um, I'll catch you at home.
Bye, doc.
I can't take her anywhere.
(Joannie)
'Josh has such insight.'
I mention he's a playwright?
Three times.
You sound like
you aren't interested, Susan.
I'm not, Joannie.
The only thing
I'm interested in right now
is a certain stockbroker
who's got blond hair, blue eyes
and a definite fox.
Hiya.
[clears throat]
[whistles]
Unh-unh uh!
Tsk tsk tsk.
You busted curfew
and where's your coat?
[laughing]
Well, you see, I didn't bring it
'cause I didn't wanna
cover up the dress, you know.
Oh, oh, vanity thy name
is Elizabeth.
[sneezes]
Oh, sounds like she's got
herself a cold.
Oh, not on the first day
of vacation too.
- 'Poor baby.'
- It's about time.
Okay, let's hear it,
was he nice?
Very.
Well, did you have a good time?
Terrific.
If he's so wonderful, Nancy,
why the long face?
'Cause it can never be.
She sounds just like Josh.
[instrumental music]
One night down, six to go.
You guys just don't understand.
Nancy, we can't help you unless
we know what the problem is.
Okay, you'd find out
eventually, anyway.
His name is Dr. Stein
and he's an intern
at the Star of David Hospital.
- So?
- So, what does that mean?
So he doesn't make house calls.
Howard's Jewish.
Wait a second,
I think I missed the problem.
Mary, Howard's the type of guy
I could really fall for.
I mean, really fall for.
He's sweet, he's nice-lookin'.
Oh, he cares
so much about people.
He's got the kind of future
I could really be a part of.
If only he wasn't--
If only what, Nancy?
So Howard's Jewish, would it be
any different if he wasn't?
Nancy, you're not thinking
of not seeing Howard because--
Joannie...we come
from two different worlds
they are bound to conflict
sooner or later, you know that.
(Mary)
'Nancy, that is garbage.'
'I-I mean, the only conflict
right now is the one'
'between your heart
and your head.'
Look, I, I know that, that it's
hard for you right now, but..
...but, Nancy, before you do
anything that
'that you're gonna regret,
like, like, running off'
'and joining a kibbutz,
or drinking a hemlock'
or, or changing boyfriends.
Why don't you stop
and think about it, okay?
Mary, I have.
[knocking on door]
Coming.
- Hi.
- The answer is still no.
Listen, listen,
you see this?
This is my hand
over my heart.
Now I give you my solemn word,
I'm not gonna stop
bothering you
till you give in.
And I give you my solemn word
that I won't give in.
Alright, listen.
Can you be bought?
Freddy, let me tell you
a story.
No, no, no,
I've heard all about Moose.
No, I wanna
tell you about Harpo.
Harpo?
When I first met Harpo,
I said hello
and Harpo was stuck
for an answer.
Didn't have much to say, huh?
Not as much as my next
blind date, Mindy the mouth.
Mindy was five foot two, and her
mouth was four foot eight
and she never stopped using it.
How many of these girls
have you gone out with?
About a dozen.
Alright, well then,
's gotta be right.
I mean, percentages, right?
Wrong, Fred. Bye-bye.
(Fred)
'Alright, break my heart,
see if I care.'
Bobby, I'm telling you
the truth, I really am sick.
Have I ever lied to you?
Well, besides that time.
Besides that time too.
Okay, so I've lied to you before
but this time I really mean it.
Wait a minute, listen..
[coughing]
Did you hear that?
Okay, then do people who aren't
sick do that kind of thing?
I-I need the phone,
I need the phone.
Hey, it's Bobby,
he doesn't believe I'm sick.
- You tell him.
- She's sick! She's sick!
Thanks a lot.
That was really convincing.
[instrumental music on radio]
Oh, I'm doomed.
[doorbell ringing]
[clears throat]
Oh, hi, I'm, uh, Michael Slade.
I'm here for Susan,
we have a date tonight.
Oh, yes, of course,
come right in.
- Thank you.
- Uh, Susan.
I read your column
all the time, Mr. Bradford.
Uh, I enjoy most of them.
Uh, especially the ones
about fiscal policy.
Oh, really? Thanks.
Well, what do you do?
I'm a stockbroker
for Leyton company.
- Oh, a stockbroker.
- Anytime I can be of service.
Oh, no, that's nice of you,
thank you.
It's just that, uh,
by the time I get through
'paying all the bills
around here'
'there's no money
left to invest, believe me.'
[instrumental music]
- Good evening, Michael.
- 'Good evening, Susan.'
Father.
Hello, daughter.
Michael, I do hope we're
not late for the symphony.
For the what?
Why, for the symphony, father.
You know Brahms
has always been my favorite.
Oh. That's right, I forgot.
It slipped my mind.
Nice to have met you,
Mr. Bradford.
Shall we?
[instrumental music]
Did you see that?
Who is that girl?
It's your daughter Susan.
Oh, no, no.
That's not Susan.
I know Susan.
That's an imposter.
[doorbell rings]
Joannie around?
Oh, uh, yes.
Won't you come in?
[instrumental music]
Hello.
I-I hear
that you're a playwright.
Did you ever write anything
that I may have seen?
[scoffs]
[chuckling]
Hi, Josh.
Dad..
Bye, Jove. Bye, Josh.
Great talking to you.
What, why is that?
Did you see that guy?
[instrumental music on radio]
This house is going off
the deep end!
[doorbell rings]
- There's the doorbell.
- Yes, another surprise.
Would you like me to get it?
No, no, no.
Let me get it.
- It's becoming fun.
- Okay then.
Hello, uh, I'm Dr. Stein.
Oh, oh, yes, of course.
Uh, come in.
Oh, man, it's busy again.
I'm doomed.
Uh, don't mind him.
That's my son,
he's lost his mind.
Please step in.
Uh, ahem, you are Mr. Bradford
and Mrs. Bradford?
Yes, we are.
You'll have to excuse me.
Um, everything's been crazy
around here today.
Nancy!
So you're a doctor?
Oh, you know, it-it hurts me
when I go like this.
[laughing]
We-we have this friend
Dr. Maxwell
and he always laughs
when I do that.
That's his favorite joke.
'He thinks it's so funny.'
- Hi, Howard.
- Hi, Nance.
- Have you met everyone?
- Uh, sure did.
Well, we'll be
seeing you real soon
uh, Mrs. Bradford, Mr. Bradford.
Bye.
He seemed very nice.
Yeah. Well, at least,
he could talk.
Well, Elizabeth is sick
and Mary's studying
so congratulations.
- Oh, for what?
- You've run out of daughters.
Oh, that's right.
Well, at last, we'll have
some peace and quiet.
[instrumental music on radio]
Nicholas, what do you think?
Look, look,
Rover is actually sprouting.
Your old man
has a green thumb after all.
- Good work, Tom.
- Thanks.
I knew you'd appreciate it.
What? Tom!
What is this Tom business,
anyway?
Kenny P. Landers calls
his dad by his first name.
There's that name again.
Who is this kid, anyway?
You know,
my friend with the dog.
Oh, Nicholas,
I thought we agreed
that we wouldn't talk
about that dog anymore
we'd just concentrate on Rover.
Yeah, but a plant
can't do nothing.
A dog can roll over, do tricks,
and you can take him for a walk.
- A plant just sits there.
- No, no, Nicholas.
A lot of people think
that they can actually
talk to their plants.
You mean, he can understand
what I'm saying?
Hmm, that's what
a lot of people think.
Rover, can you understand
what I'm saying?
Well, what did he say?
He said he wants a dog.
It's a finite death
in the center of harmony.
We equivocate
to regain equilibrium.
Oh, there is dreadful silence
in the groin of harmony.
We do not communicate..
...we equivocate.
- We die!
- Equivocating.
[audience applauding]
It's really powerful.
The whole theme
of...equivocation..
...and death.
A lot of girls would laugh
at me, bringing them here.
I'm not laughing.
You know, Joannie, if I would
ever let myself be happy
which I wouldn't,
but if I would..
...I can really be happy
with a girl like you.
Josh, would you let me
read your play?
I mean, I know
you'd rather not, but..
...it's really important to me.
You're important to me.
And I have a feeling that..
...your play...is you.
It's called
"Never Together Forever."
It's about a man's
inability to love.
- Did you like the Brahms?
- No.
- I'm bored.
- Yeah, that makes two of us.
But it's my business
for me to be, uh
to be seen here, you see,
and make some good contacts.
Michael, Michael, my boy,
good to see you.
Ryan's oil money.
- Hello, Michael.
- Hi.
- You remember my wife?
- Yes, how do you do?
Well, it's a marvelous
evening, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Well, Michael, who, uh
'who's your little friend?'
- Oh, why, why, this is um..
- Susan Bradford.
Of the, uh,
publishing Bradfords.
Oh, really?
And which publications
are those, my dear?
Oh, you've heard of the
Sacramento Register of course.
Of course, of course.
A lot of doctors are content
to spend the rest of their lives
fixing noses and catering
to rich hypochondriacs.
But not you.
You're gonna change
the world, right?
[chuckles]
Maybe.
But right now, my world
seems pretty wonderful.
Howard, may I ask you
a question?
Sure.
Are you a religious man?
Uh, what brought this on?
- Come on, you know.
- 'No, I don't.'
Please, Howard, I mean,
this is important to me.
[clears throat]
Well..
...I suppose that
deep down inside
I believe in God and miracles.
I mean, it was something
that I was brought up on.
It's not something
that is easily dismissed.
Um, why all the questions?
- Uh, how's your pastrami?
- Lean.
Good, I'll have that in rye with
a knish and a cream soda. Nancy.
I'll have the corned beef
on white with mayo.
Uh, why don't you change
the white to rye
and the mayo to mustard?
'Want something to drink?'
- Milk?
- Wrong again, honey.
Make that two cream sodas.
I'm afraid I'm not
very good at this.
You'll learn, you'll learn.
I hope so.
You know, it's hard enough
handling one daughter in love
but handling three at one time,
I'd tell you, that is m*rder.
- Hey, what's this?
- 'What?'
Look at this.
Oh, my gosh,
you know what that is?
It's a parachute.
A parachute?
Hey, since when did members
of the press corps
have parachutes?
Oh, well, you know, in case
we had to drop a preposition.
Oh..
No, actually, this belonged
to Staff Sergeant David Plott.
In those days in the army,
they used to use pure silk
to make parachutes
and Plott told me he was
gonna use the material
for his daughter's
wedding dress.
So I said, "Listen, Plott,
I got a great idea
"I'll trade you
one of the army's typewriters
and you give me
one of the parachutes."
So he did.
What did the army get?
Two years out of our lives.
[both laughing]
You know it's a funny
thing though, isn't it?
I mean, that we should find this
after all of these years.
I wonder if that
could be an omen.
I have an announcement to make.
Well, announce.
Dad, Abby..
...I'm in love.
Nancy, who's the lucky guy?
- Howard.
- 'That's great.'
The omen.
And I'm hoping
to become engaged to him.
- Nancy.
- 'Wait, there's more.'
More?
(Nancy)
'I was thinking,
in order to form a more'
'harmonious relationship..'
...I'm planning
to convert to Judaism.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Oh, excuse me.
'Could you tell me where
I could find the rabbi, please?'
I'm Rabbi Wise.
You're the rabbi?
There're old rabbis
and there are young rabbis.
What can I do for you?
Oh, why don't we start
with your name?
Oh, I'm sorry. Um, Nancy.
Nancy Bradford.
Uh, would you like to talk
about something, Nancy?
I wanna convert.
Well, uh, why don't we
sit down a minute?
Okay.
So, Nancy, tell me, um
why would you like
to adopt our religion?
Well, I think it's a very
interesting religion.
Uh, did you study it in school?
No.
But I saw "Fiddler On The Roof."
[chuckles]
Good movie,
"Fiddler On The Roof."
Why don't you tell me
what the real reason is?
Well, I met this Jewish boy.
Aah..
Rabbi..
Rabbi, is that the wrong reason?
The wrong reason?
I've heard some reasons
that are better than others
but I don't think
there is a wrong reason
if you're sincere
and your heart's open.
Tell you what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna give you a book
of Jewish laws and traditions
and I'd like to suggest
that you take another look
at the "Old Testament."
'Do some studying
and some thinking.'
And come on back,
and we'll talk some more, okay?
Okay. Thank you.
Look, why are you
doing this to me?
Well, it is a big deal.
Hey, look, Fred,
my, my dad's waiting outside.
I gotta go, alright?
What do you mean he's not?
Look where?
Will you get out
of that phone booth?
I don't like having my
apartment under surveillance.
Alright, alright. Yes, Fred.
Yes, you win.
Yes, I cracked.
Call off the blood hounds,
thank you.
I'll go, I'll go.
[telephone ringing]
Yes.
You're welcome, Fred.
What's this, ravioli soup?
[chuckling]
No, it's a matzah ball soup,
and it's a Jewish delicacy.
My matzah balls..
They shouldn't get too cold.
Oh, it looks so good.
- You think so, huh?
- Yeah, I do.
Is this whole dinner
gonna be Jewish delicacies?
Uh-huh.
We're gonna
have chopped liver
Bubba's gefilte fish
pickled herring,
and lean corn beef on rye.
And do me a favor, Elizabeth,
don't ask for mayonnaise.
I heard Joannie and Susan's
boyfriend's coming too.
So?
Well, don't you think
they're gonna feel like
they're in the wrong house
or, uh, maybe
in the twilight zone?
Why?
People who eat
in Italian restaurants
aren't always Italian.
Well, don't take this
personally
but I think
I'm gonna skip dinner.
Bad cold.
'Yuck.'
That liver must have come
from the biggest chicken ever.
What are you talking about?
Well, even I know
that chopped liver
is made with chicken liver.
Oh.
(Joannie)
'Boy, this is great stuff,
Nancy.'
- 'Thanks, Joannie.'
- 'Yeah, great stuff, Nance.'
'It's real...exotic.'
'You must have
spent hours on it.'
(Nancy)
'Oh, no, no, no, no.'
'Just a little something
I threw together.'
I'm telling you, Howard,
you can't start..
Now we got a lot of doctors
that invest with us.
You come and see me,
I'll have you on the golf course
three afternoons
out of the week.
I don't play golf.
Why don't you just
stop asking the doctor?
Can't you see
he's not in to money?
Are you talking to me?
Are there any other
stock pushers in the room?
Boy, this is the best
gefilte fish I've ever had.
Me too.
Can I have some ketchup?
You know, uh, there are doctors
that, uh, don't play golf.
Name three.
Well, there are people
who are more concerned
with human suffering
than with making a buck.
Listen, I got nothing
against human suffering
but what's wrong with
making a buck, huh?
Uh, Nancy,
the table looks lovely.
Excuse me, Abby.
Listen, what if
I were to tell you
that in a few short weeks
a product is going
to hit the market
which is gonna go
right through the roof?
And this baby is a sure thing.
Nothing is sure, J.P.
We're not even sure
the sun's gonna rise tomorrow.
Oh, yeah,
I'll take that action.
Listen, they're coming out
with a brand new product
gourmet dog food.
Come on, now, who's gonna invest
money on something like that?
- Pickled herring?
- Oh, no, please.
That stuff is terrible.
'It's gonna open at three'
and it's gonna go right
to in no time at all.
Who cares?
Josh, you haven't even
touched your fish.
Come on, Joannie,
you know how I feel
about eating dead things.
What do you say, Howard? I get
you in on the ground floor.
You know what I think?
I think it's a crime
that medical research
is begging for dollars
and you're pushing dog food.
That's what I think.
Money, money, money.
Have you ever really
looked at it closely..
...felt it, smelled it?
It stinks..
...of human sweat, anxiety,
ulcers and heart att*cks.
Uh, well, would anyone
like some more wine?
Oh, no, no, with this rich food,
it'll be awful for the liver.
(Josh)
'Let me tell you
a little story.'
Now my father's business partner
is a millionaire
several times over.
About a month ago, he was
driving through a toll booth.
He tossed his quarter
at the machine
'the quarter
missed the machine'
so he opens the door
and bends down
to try to pick it up.
Only he forgot one thing.
His seat belt was on
and it was on tight.
And you know what he got
for that lousy quarter?
Double hernia!
(Howard)
'Now that's interesting.'
'Was it an inguinal hernia?'
Well, a hernia's a hernia,
but you get my point.
Frankly, no.
It's all over lousy money.
It is enough to make you
wanna throw up.
An inguinal hernia is distinctly
different from a hiatal hernia.
A hiatal hernia is aggravated
by bad eating habits.
You guys with your hernias
and your capitalism.
'I'll tell you,
it makes me sick.'
(Howard)
'Sick. You're depressing.'
(Josh)
'I am depressing,
that's right.'
'Depression is proof..'
[indistinct chattering]
[instrumental music]
Hi, Josh.
I've read your play.
Wow.
I mean, I really
got into it, you know.
- It's just that I--
- It's just that what?
It's just that I think,
maybe, in the-in the beginning
that the audience
will have a hard time
having sympathy with him.
So, what, who cares
about the audience?
I mean, either they like it
or they don't, right?
Well, come on,
don't get defensive.
I'm just trying to give you
some constructive criticism,
that's all.
Oh, great. Now you're giving me
euphemism from grade school.
Shallow, Joannie,
really shallow.
Oh, boy.
Shallow.
[chuckles]
I suppose the, uh, giant rats
possessed by the devil
in Act III is deep.
Alright, knock it off.
I don't have to stand here
and take criticism
from an actress.
You're really gonna
have to explain that one.
No problem.
I mean, you act,
you interpret, right?
I create. Do you see
the difference there?
'A creator takes a blank page
and winds up with art.'
What do you think acting is,
huh? Chopped liver?
Acting is showing up
for rehearsals on time
acting is doing what
the director tells you to do.
Well, if you have so little
respect for what I do
how come you're wasting
so much time with me?
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
Take a look at yourself
in the mirror.
You're sexually appealing.
Truth hurts.
You just can't be
honest with people.
So where are the girls?
- Will you relax?
- I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.
You're the one
who should be nervous
I'm holding you personally
responsible for this.
No, this is on me, alright?
Huh?
Four general admission, please.
I mean,
you-you are acting crazy.
I mean, this girl is a prize.
Come on.
Just relax and..
Look,
hey, there they are. Huh?
'Yours is the one on the left.'
Did you say on the left?
On the left. Yes, yes.
Mine is on the right.
[instrumental music]
Mary, come on, it's fine.
Hi.
Uh, this is David.
And this is Mary.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Look at this. They can't take
their eyes off each other.
And who say's blind dates
don't work out, huh?
You can thank me later.
Haven't we met
somewhere before?
You do look awfully familiar.
You too, uh,
perhaps, it was Portofino, .
Uh, no, no, no
I think Acapulco, .
[clears throat]
Uh.
Mm.
Michael..
Michael, I have
something on my mind.
Please, can it wait
till the commercial?
- What are you doing?
- I'm turning off the TV set!
Uh, Michael, I feel
that our joint outlook
is a little too limited
and I would like
to expand our horizons.
In other words,
I would like to spend
an entire evening
just talking.
Wh..
You're stuck, aren't you?
It's Saturday and the stock
exchange was closed today.
Yeah, well, you're making me
a little self-conscious.
You know, I mean,
and like right out of the blue
you say to a guy,
you wanna, uh, talk.
Yeah, you took me off guard.
Off guard?
- Uh-huh.
- You're stuck?
You know, that's too bad,
Michael
because you are the nicest
most intelligent,
mature man I've ever met.
So what's wrong?
You're also the most boring.
I think you know your way out.
See you around.
[knock on door]
- Oh, doc, hi.
- Hi, is Nancy home?
Uh, yeah, come on in.
I think
she's upstairs in her room
keeping holy the Sabbath.
I-I'll go get her.
Hey, Nancy.
You think I'm boring?
Would you like
my professional opinion?
Yes.
- Hi, Howard.
- Hi, Nance.
I heard from Stanford.
They approved my grant.
I start next week.
Alright, Howard,
that's wonderful.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
San Francisco is pretty nice
in the spring time.
It's wonderful, fantastic.
You're gonna have to come up
and visit some time.
- Visit you?
- Oh, sure.
You're not gonna write me off
just because I'm a few hours
away, are you?
Write you off?
Howard, I thought
I was gonna go with you.
Didn't you say
that our happiness
was in our future together?
Nancy.
My immediate future is for me.
Alone.
You know, the workload,
the tension. I..
[sighing]
I can't expect someone else
to carry that burden with me.
And I don't get a choice?
Maybe, you just don't want me
hangin' around you, Howard.
Now, you know that's not true.
No, I don't know
that's not true.
[exhales]
Have you ever once
taken the time
to find out
what's important to me?
'You know, you didn't even
thank me for the other night.'
What other night?
The chopped liver,
the Jewish bread
the kosher wine.
You know, all this time,
Howard, I was preparing
to convert to Judaism for you.
'Well, for us, and you didn't
even have the decency to--'
Hold it,
W-wait a minute, Nancy.
I never said I was Jewish.
Oh, I'm not
a complete idiot, Howard.
I mean, I can figure
some things out for myself.
- Your name is Stine, isn't it?
- Yes.
But it's German,
I'm not Jewish.
Oh, boy.
I am a complete idiot.
No, you're not.
Look, this has happened
to me before..
...but if you had
any doubts...about me
any questions, you should have
come to me and asked me.
I would have told you.
But with religion aside
I-I-I still think
that it's the wrong time
in my life for you and me.
Maybe later. I'd like that.
Maybe.
That is if the invitation's
still open.
It certainly is.
[instrumental music]
Why are you staring at Rover?
Oh!
- Read this.
- What?
"Cannabis sativa."
Nicholas has been
growing marijuana.
Where did he get the seeds.
Where?
From the ever loving
Kenny P. Landers.
I tell you, that kid
and his family
have been nothing, but trouble.
- So what are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
Such a cute little thing.
No, really.
Look at the cute little leaves.
Oh! Stop laughing!
You're laughing, and I have
to put Rover to sleep.
I'm sorry.
Don't look at me that way.
[laughing]
I'm sorry it didn't
work out, Nancy.
Yeah, so am I.
Thank you for the books.
- Rabbi.
- Hmm?
I'm really not sure I wanna
turn my back on everything.
What I mean is, Howard's leaving
it hasn't really
changed everything.
You mean
you still wanna convert?
[sighs]
Well..
This past weekend,
I read more of "The Bible"
and I really felt something.
It was a good feeling.
Sort of like a sense of purpose.
I don't know. This is really
hard for me to explain.
Well, this is
a strange turn of events.
Nancy, let me ask you this.
Have you always
believed in God?
N-not assume there was a God,
I'm not saying that
but really believed in Him,
and his love?
Well, I never really thought
about it, until recently.
You know what I think?
I think maybe,
you've discovered God.
By accident, perhaps.
But I'd prefer to think
it was by design.
Call it God's will.
I don't understand.
It's the Lord you've
discovered, Nancy, not Judaism.
'We may have
helped out a little bit.'
And we've got
a saying around here
"He who enters
with a closed soul
may leave with an open heart."
Thank you.
Mazel tov.
Excuse me?
Good luck.
Boy, am I glad
this vacation is almost over.
Now, you won't be saying that
when you're sittin' in class.
I say we take a vow
never to fall in love again.
- True.
- Yeah, until spring vacation.
Seven days in May.
Sh-sh-sh.
Hey, you guys, quiet.
I finally got through.
Hello, yeah,
the name of the tune
is "I crashed my heart
on the highway of your love."
It is? I did?
Hey, everybody, I won!
- Hurray!
- Alright, Tommy.
I won, I got through.
Yeah, this is Tommy Bradford.
When can I..
What?
Yeah.
Congratulations.
(Tommy)
'Yeah, for what?
For winning.
Hey, why the long face?
They ran out of tickets to
the concert about an hour ago.
I won two KRLJ T-shirts.
[laughing]
I hope they have
[indistinct] size.
[instrumental music]
Well, Rover,
it's time to say goodbye now.
I don't understand why.
When dad was trying to explain
he started a lot of sentences,
but didn't finish 'em.
Mary says you're a, a..
(Abby)
'Victim of society.'
Yeah, I don't know
what that means
but I hope
it makes you feel better.
- Dad?
- What, what is it?
You know how I despise
v*olence of any kind?
Yes, so what?
I'd be more than willing
to adopt Rover.
Cute. Very cute.
Maybe, you could try it
with your eyes closed.
- Hmm?
- Your eyes closed.
Ah! Take it away.
I can't stand unpleasantries.
It's okay, dad,
you did what you had to do.
There are some good plants
and there are some bad plants
and there are some
illegal plants.
- Thanks, Nicholas.
- Dad, can I have a dog now?
[laughing]
[chuckles]
- Huh, dad? Huh?
- Please?
[theme music]
02x20 - Seven Days in February
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.