02x24 - The Lost Weekend

[bunniefuu]

- 'Tommy?' - 'Mm.'

- 'I can't sleep.' - 'Yeah, well, I can.'

(Tommy) 'So, how about you let me, huh?'

Alright, Nicholas, what's the problem?

Well, I've been thinkin'.

You woke me up just to tell me that?

Yeah. Dad said Abby's parents are called in-laws.

Mm-hmm.

So, are in-laws really a pain like dad said?

How should I know? I don't have any.

You gotta get married to have in-laws, right?

Right.

So, if I never get married, I'll never have any in-laws.

Profound, Nicholas. Profound.

Thanks, Tommy. Goodnight.

(Tommy) 'Hey, Nicholas, you're not thinkin' of gettin' married'

'in the near future, are you?'

(Nicholas) 'No way.'

(Tommy) 'Then why are you askin' about in-laws?'

(Nicholas) 'Well, I just wanted to check things out.'

'You know, so I don't get any surprises.'

(Tommy) 'Oh, oh.'

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

Counting pimples?

Come here.

Look here.

Uh, sorry, I don't kiss on the first date.

No, no, no, no. No, see that?

That is a whisker.

You know, most guys don't even shave till they're ?

You think maybe I could pass for ?

Maybe in the dark. If she was near-sighted and desperate.

Okay, thanks a lot. Now, if you'll excuse me

I have to shave.

Oh, what are you gonna use? Tweezers?

It's every morning and evening for minutes.

I mean, it's like living in a room with a zombie.

So, how long has this been going on?

Ever since Saturday, since she went

to that lecture with Mahirishi, something like that.

What do you think, should we commit her now

or maybe wait a few days, huh?

Who are we committing this week?

Susan. She started meditating.

[telephone rings]

I'll get it. It's probably for me.

What is so funny?

Yeah, I'm sure nobody else lives here, right?

Hello?

Uh, yes. Just a second. It's for you, Abby.

See? See? For me.

Hello, yes, this is Abb..

Hey, mom! How are you?

Yeah, I'm good. Everything's fine. How's dad?

Yes, everyone's fine. They're great.

Pasadena?

Yeah, I always thought they pass little notes

to each other on embossed stationary.

(Abby) Yeah, well, it has been a long time, that's for sure.

Well, gee, mom, I don't know, that's kinda short notice.

Oh, I see, you're exhibiting your Westphalian Begonias

at the Pasadena flower show.

'No, no, mama. I'm sure Tom would love to see that, really.'

Look, you know, the thing to do is for me to talk to him

'and then try to get back to you tomorrow. Is that okay?'

Yeah. Yeah, it's great talking to you, mom.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Right. Bye-bye.

You will never talk him into that one.

No way!

Well, it's worth a try.

Lots of luck.

Westphalian Begonias, huh?

Westphalian Begonias?

Mother enters them every year.

They are really quite lovely, you know.

Oh, come on, I don't even like flowers.

Well, Tom, that wouldn't be the only reason

we're going, of course. I mean, it would be nice to visit them.

I mean, we haven't been able to, the last

several times they've asked us, you know?

We've been busy every other time.

Oh, gosh, I forgot. You know what, I can't go.

I have that stupid poker game this Friday night.

That's not what Max says.

Max says that it's a week from Friday.

Oh, is it? Well, I get mixed up.

Anyway, I can't go because I'm way behind on my column.

Not according to your editor.

What do you do? Put a private detective on me--

Look the last five times, you've had an excuse, so I just decided

to check everything out in advance.

How about, I just don't wanna go?

Did you check that one out?

How about, you just don't like my parents. That's it, isn't it?

Oh, no, don't say that.

That's not it, I like your parents.

I mean, they're alright for in-laws I guess.

It's just that, I don't like leaving these children alone."], index , start ,…}

[ … ]

Tom, four of them are legal adults.

And the rest of them are very self-sufficient and you know it.

Self-sufficient, yes.

But discipline, that's another question.

I tell you something, if we leave them alone for a weekend

anarchy will reign in this house.

- So? - So?

So, you won't be around to see it.

Look, I have a great idea.

Why don't we go in July?

Pasadena is beautiful in July.

Tom!

Christmas?

[sighs]

I thought only women lied about their age.

Now, you see, Linda has this very strict policy.

She only goes out with guys that are or older.

- Is she worth it? - Is she worth it?

David, wait till you see her picture.

I copped it from the yearbook gallery.

This is the girl of my dreams.

[distant humming]

What's that?

An electric toothbrush?

Om-m-m.

Maybe we ought to call a doctor.

How about a mechanic? I think her fan belt is slipping.

- Babysit? - No, not really babysit.

More like supervise.

You know, just keep an eye on the house.

Make sure it doesn't burn down.

You can even use our bedroom.

Now, hold on a second.

You mean, you want me to play parent for the weekend?

Well, I'm certainly not gonna leave these kids alone without

some responsible supervision.

Now, wait a minute.

You got four daughters over , Tommy and Elizabeth

are old enough to take care of themselves.

That leaves you with six people to supervise Nicholas

who happens to be a pretty self-sufficient kid.

Alright, how much is it worth to you?

Oh, no, no, no, no. You couldn't pay me enough to take that job.

That's why I moved out, remember?

You mean, you won't do it?

You know what I think?

I think all this concern over leaving the kids for the weekend

is a big smoke screen.

Smoke screen? What for?

You don't wanna go to Pasadena, do you?

[sighs]

Boy, sharing a set of rollers is definitely

the last word in togetherness.

I'm sorry, I left mine at Ellen's.

I'll buy a new set tomorrow.

Hey, what do you think?

Is dad gonna break down and go to Pasadena?

The smart money says, no.

Who's the smart money?

There is no way he's going to go.

Don't you think Abby can talk him into it?

Nope, dad has a real talent for manufacturing excuses

for things he doesn't wanna do.

Yeah.

Boy, you think he was being drawn and quartered, you know?

I mean, they're only in-laws.

What's so terrible about in-laws?

You gotta get divorced to get rid of 'em.

All I know is if dad doesn't give in, there is gonna be..

(Nicholas) w*r.

I win! I win!

You win, you win.

Wanna play again?

Nah, you're too quick for me, Cincinnati.

Hey, Tommy.

Think dad's gonna give in and go away?

I sure hope so.

How come?

You don't wanna know.

What don't I wanna know?

'Cause it'll give you ideas. I gotta go shave.

Again?

In-laws, eh?

They are one of the hidden terrors of matrimony.

Did I ever tell you about Daisy's mother? Millicent.

Six times you've told me about her.

She's the one who re-arranges the furniture.

But don't get me wrong, Max.

It's not that I dislike my in-laws.

It's just that I...I don't like them.

You see, Katherine is gonna have an exhibition

'of her Westphalian Begonias at the Pasadena flower show.'

This undoubtedly means that Harry is gonna wanna have

eighteen holes of power golf with me, and he's so boring.

Tom, you haven't broken since the last time you were

in miniature golf course with Nicholas.

I know, I cheated.

Look at it this way.

At least you'd have a few days away from the kids.

Yeah, when I come home, the whole house might be gone."], index , start ,…}

[ … ]

Max, I have an idea.

Listen, I'll make a deal with you. Here's what you do.

'If I do decide to go away, you just drop around to my house'

as if you were in the neighborhood, you know, kinda

check things out?

Why don't I just cruise by and check for smoldering ruins?

- Max! - Alright, alright.

Just for that, I'm gonna take you for the lunch.

Oh, the Jalisco Hotdog Pit?

Oh, no, no. We're gonna go first class.

Au Petit Chardon?

Please, I could hire a private detective

for what that place costs.

Uh-uh, I'm going to take you to a very small, but not unamusing

Middle-European restaurant called

"The Dubrovnik Goulash House."

Greece, Tom. Greece.

Good Greece, Max. Good Greece.

What I'm concerned about is responsibility

and organization in the smooth running of this household.

But, dad, it's only two days.

Please, Rome b*rned in a night.

Dad, why are you so paranoid about this weekend?

You've left us alone before.

Yes, and I remember very well, the New York trip.

We returned only to find two dozen empty pizza cartons

'eight unmade beds, a dismantled motorcycle in the kitchen'

'and a Labrador retriever.'

Oh, he was so cute.

Oh, he was adorable, sure. He loved our carpeting.

We cleaned it up.

Yeah, yeah. Well, things are going to be different this time.

This time, I'm going to organize things correctly.

Do you understand? We're going to have certain ground rules.

We're gonna have a chain of command.

Now, the first rule is going to be that, nobody outside

of this family is allowed in the house.

What?

Just for the weekend.

It'll make things much easier for the commander.

Commander? Dad, this is not the army.

And I think you're overdoing it a little, don't you?

No, I don't. And neither should you.

Because you are the commander.

Me? Why me?

Because you're the oldest. I'm putting you in charge.

'Now, if anything should happen, and you have to leave the house'

'then the chain of command will go to Joannie'

'because she is the next oldest and so forth'

'in reverse order of age.'

It'll never get to me.

Mm-hmm, now, all normal rules, such as household duties

and curfews will remain enforced starting Friday night.

Please, don't forget to turn the thermostat down to

every night. Put the garbage out, remember that.

Eat regular balanced meals at regular hours.

Tom, we're gonna miss out plane.

Oh. yes. The plane. That's right. Okay.

And be sure to lock the doors at night, put out the lights.

Leave your windows open from the top.

Yeah, just a cr*ck though, no more than that.

If the pilot light on the furnace goes out

don't you try to relight it.

Call the gas company, the phone number's in the kitchen.

Have a good time. We love you. Bye.

He's like a little kid.

Come to me. We're all alone now.

Time to go.

[coughs]

- I'm using it. - I'm using it.

No way, I'm using it, and both of you will have to get off.

I know you're still there.

[instrumental music]

Hello, Frank?

Yeah, hi. This is Elizabeth.

Um, what are you doing this weekend?

Well, see, my parents have gone out of town until Sunday..

Hello, Linda.

Yeah, I got the run of the place.

Uh-huh. Yeah, my parents are out of town.

What do you say, we get together?

Hi, Irving, this is Nicholas.

Hey, you still wanna run away from home?

Hey, Irving.

Wake up. I brought you some cereal.

Hey, thanks.

Hungry, huh?

Yeah. Ran away before dinner.

Well, you can stay here until Sunday

'cause that's when my parents get back.

See, they have to park the car in here.

Okay.

Hey, listen. What did your parents do to you anyway?

I stuck bubblegum in my sister's milk glass

and they wanted me to drink the milk and apologize.

Oh, boy.

Sounds awful.

Ah, good morning, commander.

Walk away from it, Tommy.

Well, you are the senior ranking officer, aren't you?

[ … ]

I didn't want the job, remember?

Oh, I'm so sorry. It's so lonely at the top.

Don't worry about it, kid, you'll get through it okay.

Just remember, your power is derived from the people.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, you remember what happened to Marie Antoinette, don't you?

[doorbell rings]

Hi. I'm Marvin from Patagonia.

Hi. I'm Mary from Sacramento.

Uh, you don't know me, but my father's cousin, Ralph..

You know Ralph and Dareen from Acron?

'Is second cousins, once removed from'

your father's brother Henry, which makes us like

second cousins, twice removed

or is it third cousins, once removed?

I don't know. Anyway, I got your address off a Christmas card.

What?

Uh, listen, can I come in?

Oh, sure, come on, I'm sorry.

- This pack is heavy. - Yeah, looks like..

- Do you have a cold? - Oh, it's hay fever.

Been in a truck all night. Dusty, very dusty.

- Hi. - Hello.

Hi. I'm Marvin from Patagonia.

- Cousin Marvin. - 'Yeah, from Patagonia.'

- Hi, cuz. - Hi.

Uh, listen, you guys wouldn't have anything to eat, would you?

So I said to myself, "Marvin, there has to be more to life

"than one movie theater, two bowling alleys

"and a discount drug store."

You know what the big thing to do is

on a Saturday night in Patagonia?

You go down to the gas station of the interstate

and you watch them move the cars.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Well, where are you heading?

San Francisco. Haight-Ashbury.

I intend to become a Flower-Child.

Marvin, I hate to break this to you, but that whole

Haight-Ashbury thing, it broke up at least five years ago.

What?

Are you sure?

Um, sure.

Why didn't anybody tell me?

Well, it was never officially announced.

It says right here that, "Siddhartha..

Journey to cross the river to the land of self."

I took that to mean the Sacramento River.

Well, you can still go to San Francisco, Marvin.

It's a nice place.

'There's Coit Tower, the Fisherman's Wharf--'

Uh-huh, uh-huh! Worldly distractions.

When Siddhartha went to the city

he mingled with unsavory women and unscrupulous men.

I'm just gonna have to rethink things, that's all.

Hey, listen, you guys don't mind if I crash here for a while?

- No. - Oh, no.

- No. - No.

There's a couch in the sun porch over there.

Alright, thanks a lot.

Boy.

You know, you guys have a really terrific commune going here.

Yeah, no parents, it's terrific.

I thought we weren't supposed to have anybody in the house.

Yeah. Anybody outside the family, that is.

Unfortunately, Marvin is family.

Alright, Elizabeth, I'll get right to the point.

I happen to know that you invited

Frank North over here tonight.

So what if I did?

Well, besides being against the special regulations

that the chief issued, I also know that Frank North is

and a flunk out from the Navy.

He didn't flunk out, he was--

He was dishonorably discharged. I know, I checked him out.

Yeah, so what are you gonna do? Tell dad? He's not here.

No, Elizabeth, I'm not gonna tell dad.

Or even his deputy sheriff, Mary.

No, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna make

a little deal with you.

I'm listening.

You know Linda Iams, the girl that only goes out

with -year-old guys?

I think we should have a few sophisticated people over

for drinks and conversation.

Yeah, but what about the rule against having people over?

Uh, nobody's gonna care, Nancy.

We're gonna be so quiet, subtle.

Besides, everyone will be out anyway.

How many people should we have?

Six. That's the ideal number for intelligent conversation.

Oh, just a few people. You know, about ten or fifteen.

Your older brother? Yeah, sure. He can come.

Well, we really hadn't thought about music.

- A band. - Where are we gonna get a band?

Just leave it to me.

We're having a band.

Boy, you're really following

your orders to the letter, aren't you, commander?

Yeah. Regular meals at regular hours.

[ … ]

Who ever heard of this family eating Saturday lunch together?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

How come Susan's been excused?

Oh, well, Susan's not exactly with us this weekend.

She's on her way to Kofi.

Kofi? Where's Kofi?

South west of Patagonia.

Mary, can I go feed the squirrels some lunch?

Oh, Nicholas, I don't think squirrels like split pea soup.

How do you know? You're not a squirrel.

- Yeah! - Come on, commander.

Let the little boy go outside.

- Yeah, it's his squirrel. - Yeah, come on, you old witch.

[indistinct chatter]

Look at you guys. I didn't wanna take this job, okay?

I agreed to do it.

And since I agreed to do it, I'm going to do it right.

Mm. Sounds like Nixon, doesn't she?

That's below the belt, Joannie.

(Joannie) 'Oh, come on, Mary, lighten up. You're one of us, remember?'

Besides dad and Abby will never know

if we break a little rule or two.

- Yeah, who's gonna tell them? - Yeah.

I mean, for instance, say, one of us

wanted to have a few friends over tonight.

Yeah, supposing one of us did wanna have

a few friends over tonight.

You wouldn't squeal, would you?

'It'd be her word against ours.'

I declare a mutiny.

Workers unite, we have nothing to lose but our chains!

[screaming]

Listen, you guys. I hate to ruin your mutiny.

But I'd rather quit than fight.

I abdicate. Joannie, you're next in line.

Remember the chain of command?

Have a good time, little sister.

- Have a good time. - Oh, no, unh-unh, not me.

- It's all yours. Mary, wait. - Yours.

- I don't want anything. - Oh, here you go, kid.

- I'm in charge? - That's right.

It's your shift. Take over, captain.

Ah, I gotta go take my allergy pill.

Beware of power, Nicholas. It corrupts men.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Irving.

Come on in and have some lunch. I'm in charge.

[instrumental music]

(Marvin) 'Yes, mom, I'm okay.'

'No, mom, my hay fever hasn't been bothering me much.'

Om-m-m.

(Marvin) 'Yes, mom, I've packed plenty of clean underwear.'

No, I can't tell you where I am.

Of course, I know where I am.

I'm finally free of Patagonia.

You should see me now, mom.

You wouldn't recognize me anymore.

I'm finally blossoming.

No, not my complexion, my karma.

Karma is something that isn't in Patagonia.

'Listen, ma, I can't talk anymore.'

'Uh, next time you hear from me, I'll be in nirvana.'

What? No, no, you can't call me there.

I'll call you. Ma, bye.

Om-m-m.

Boy, you're so lucky to have it all together.

Mary, have you seen the living room?

No. It's missing?

Joke if you want, Mary. Joke if you want.

But you have no idea what is going on down there.

Tommy says he needs party floor

so, he is moving out all of the furniture.

Terrific. That ought to give him just what he needs.

Hey, what about the rest of us, huh?

Nancy and I have people coming over here too.

Now, how is an intimate group of mature people

supposed to socialize

when the only conversation area is the fireplace?

It's a good question, Joannie.

And I have just the answer for you.

Find out for yourself.

Look.. I am not the ruler around here anymore, remember?

Anarchy reigns.

Mary, you can't just wash your hands off this.

We need your help.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, as one anarchist to another, I have two suggestions.

Yes?

Stay out of my room if you value your life

and don't bring the house down, it just might upset dad.

Om-m-m.

Oh, brother.

Om-m-m.

- Hi. - Hey, guys, get out of the way.

No, no, no. We wanna help you. Move over here.

- Hold that side. - Oh, great. Thanks a lot.

(in unison) Into the living room.

Into the living room.

Hey, wait a minute, what are you doing?

Knock it off.

[ … ]

Quick, push 'em. We got them on their weak spot.

[indistinct chatter]

(Susan) 'Go! Go!'

Tent up in here.

Won't somebody get mad?

I'm the boss around here, remember?

Hey, Nicholas, have you seen my copy of "Siddhartha?"

- Sid who? - Ah, never mind.

That one of your brothers?

No, that's my cousin, Marvin from Patagonia.

That's a weird name.

Patagonia?

No. Marvin.

Om-m-m.

Look, why can't you guys just use the screen porch?

- Why don't you guys? - Yeah.

Why don't you guys? I mean, you, uh..

Okay. Come on, come on.

Now why don't we be calm, mature and rational about this, okay?

I mean, we've got one Saturday night, right?

Can we split it down the middle?

Now you guys can take the first half and then, uh, what..

around ten o'clock or so, we can use the living room.

- Ten o'clock? - Ten o'clock is fair.

Ten o'clock is not fair. The night's still young.

The band will just be getting started.

- Oh, the band. - The band?

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, Tommy. - Hey, how's it going?

Sorry, we're late. Oh, it's cool.

Don't worry about it. Just go, sit up in there.

- How's things? - Terrific.

Just terrific.

Alright, yeah, right in the, in the room..

- Tommy. - Tommy! Tommy!

- Watch out for the windows. - Tommy!

- Who's idea was this? - Forget this.

- Tommy. - Come on right in here.

- Look, Tommy. - Tommy! You cannot do this.

- No, you can't do this. - It's already being done.

Well, undo it.

No way, Nancy. This house is as much ours as it is yours.

Just give up on them, hon.

Just, okay, you can have the living room.

'We'll take the screen porch'

'and the kitchen is up for grabs.'

Nicholas!

Yeah?

What are you doing in here?

- Camping in. - Out, Nicholas. Out.

- But I'm in charge. - Yeah.

You're in charge of the one in the backyard.

So take a hike.

- But-- - Nicholas. Outside.

Alright.

Come on, Irving. Looks like we have to camp out.

But you said you're in charge.

Yeah, but we're outnumbered.

David, I-I was outnumbered.

Now I know how Captain Queeg felt in "The Caine Mutiny."

Don't take it so seriously.

What would you, uh, think if I called dad?

And give him an excuse to come back early from Pasadena. No.

Abby would never forgive you.

You're right.

I suggest we let our brothers and sisters

make their own mistakes.

We did the same things when we were their age.

It's their turn.

Right again.

- Yeah. - Eh..

Come on. We can check on 'em later.

Yeah, in the mean time--

In the mean time we're going to go to dinner and a movie.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I hope it's a comedy and I hope it has good food.

Yes, it's a very funny restaurant across town.

"The Dubrovnik Goulash House."

Greece, David. Greece.

Good Greece, Mary. Good Greece.

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

- Hi, Frank. - Hey, Liz.

Hey, squirt a little something for your party.

Oh, great.

Hope I haven't missed any excitement.

Not at all. Not at all.

- Hi, Vicki, how are you? - Great.

- Where do I put my sweater? - Right in there. Come on in.

Om-m-m.

Hey, I think we found the place.

Man, you just gotta start taking me seriously

when I tell you about going to a party.

Hi. Hey, make yourselves at home.

I'm Marvin from Patagonia.

Yeah, sure. Thanks a lot, man.

I'm Paul and this is Carther. We're with the Jasons.

Yeah, I don't think we ever met anyone from the, uh, Patagonia.

How many members you got in your club, dude?

Try this. Tastes just like cherries.

[ … ]

Come on, let's dance.

[instrumental music]

You're so sweet to throw this party for me, Tommy.

Oh. Hey, Linda, really it was nothin'.

I just wanted to be sure

you have a good time on our first date.

Oh, I am.

You know, I never told you this, Tommy.

But I think you're very mature for your age.

Oh, really?

It's hard to believe you're only .

Yeah, well, I've been around a lot.

- You smoke? - Oh, I never smoke on dates.

[upbeat music]

I don't get it. What's the brain in the pan theory?

Metaphysics, darling.

You see, man has no way of knowing

he's not just a brain in a pan plugged into a computer

by some evil genius.

'That means you only experience'

'what the computer tells you to experience.'

I don't believe that stuff.

That's because the computer tells you not to believe it.

Personally, I'm into solipsism.

'I mean, how do I know'

that I'm not the only person in the universe?

And everything else, you people included

aren't just figments of my imagination?

That's very interesting.

Nancy, I don't know anyone out there.

Don't worry. They're probably figments of your imagination.

[instrumental music]

See, I, I kind of identify with Siddhartha.

Sid Arthur? Who's he?

No, it's Siddhartha.

You see, he was on a journey

looking for enlightenment, just like me.

Yeah, I'm trying to find the Flower-Children.

The Flower-Children?

I don't believe it.

Wake up, buddy. You're on a time warp.

Wha-what's a time wrap?

Boy, I have a lot to learn.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi, I-I'm Marvin from Patagonia.

Oh, hey, that's cool.

I mean, everybody's gotta come from somewhere.

We heard that this was a B-Y-O-B party.

So we brought our own brownies.

Made from my very own home-grown stash.

One bite and it's "Happy Trails Two."

(girl #) 'Oh, oh, where is the kitchen'

because these've gotta cool off or we can get off.

- It's right over there. - Alright.

Hey, uh, w-would you guys happen to know what a time warp is?

Nancy, what do you think of existentialism?

Oh.

Oh, well, I, I can take it or leave it.

[upbeat music]

Guys.

Uh, guys, do you mind, we're trying to..

I guess we better join the party. I'm sorry.

Do we have a choice? You guys wanna dance?

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

Time for a short break.

[cheering and applause]

It's really hot in here.

Here, cool off with a little more of this.

Oh, I guess not. Think I've had enough. Really.

Come on. There's only a little left.

Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

Let's go someplace quiet.

Yeah, it sounds like a good idea.

Hold on a second.

[indistinct chatter]

I'll be right back.

You stay right there.

I'll get another bottle I have in the car.

Okay.

Hey! You and Linda seem to be gettin' along, huh?

Yes. So do you and Frank.

Tommy, who are these people? I don't know half of 'em.

They're probably friends of Nancy's and Joannie's.

Look, what've you been drinkin' anyway?

Nothing.

I think you've had enough.

Tommy, leave me alone. I'm having fun.

Elizabeth, will you start acting your age?

Can't you just see that this guy's tryin' to set you up?

Oh! You're one to talk, Mr. Seventeen-year-old.

[giggling]

[indistinct chatter]

Alright, Elizabeth, have it your way.

But if something happens you're on your own.

Oh! Duh!

Oh, Tommy, nothing's gonna happen.

Wow. Some party.

Yeah, I've never seen any of these people before.

[ … ]

Come on, let's go back to the tent.

- Don't forget the ice cream. - 'Alright.'

Come on, Tommy, let's go somewhere we can have some fun.

Hmm?

[door opens]

Hey, you, come on, come here.

Tommy? Please?

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

Om-m-m.

Om-m-m.

Boy! It's absolutely incredible

how some people totally tune out to their environment.

I know, you can't even get a smile out of her.

I bet she's transcended to the next level.

I wonder if the trip made her hungry.

Om-m-m.. Yum!

Guys! You guys are impossible.

Hey, welcome to ground level, Bradford.

Hey, forget the brownies. Let's party.

Alright.

- We did it. - I know.

Alright.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, let's go in here, huh?

Unh-unh. That's my sister's room.

So what?

It's got all the essential parts, doesn't it?

Oh, no, no.

'Cause see if somebody comes upstairs..

We're not suppose to have boys up here.

(Frank) 'Oh, just lock the door.'

'Turn off the lights.'

'And no one will know we're here.'

Ladies first.

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

What are you talkin' about, kid?

Gettin' a girl drunk is pretty chicken. Don't you think?

'Or is that what they teach you in the Navy?'

Who's this guy anyway?

He's my little brother.

'I think he's mad.'

(Frank) 'So what's with you? Huh, little brother?'

'You some sort of chaperone or somethin'?'

(Tommy) 'Yeah, if it makes you happy.'

(Frank) It's making me very unhappy.

No kid is gonna tell me what I can and cannot do.

I'm not a kid. I'm .

You're only , and you know it.

Fifteen years old?

[instrumental music]

You wanna try me?

Try you? You and what army?

Don't let your size make a fool out of you.

No chick's worth fighting over.

Yo, Tommy, you're lucky

he didn't call you on your bluff.

Who was bluffing?

You lied. You said you were .

Yeah, I guess some things are kinda hard

to keep a secret, aren't they?

Why don't you go chase after Frank?

He's more your speed.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me.

What happened?

Lucky for us, nothing.

Come on, sis. It's time to go night night.

Well, I guess the party's over.

Come on.

Alright. Here you go.

- Where's Frank? - He had a previous appointment.

Oh! I don't feel so hot.

Heh. It could be a lot worse.

Tommy, it's gettin' worse.

Goodnight. See you later.

Hey, Morgan, us Jasons and you Patagonians..

we gotta get together some club night.

Right on, man.

Goodnight, goodnight. Goodnight, guys.

You know, I use to really get into meditation

until I forgot my mantra.

An existentialist doesn't forget.

He freely chooses not to remember.

Oh, that's wonderful. Goodnight.

Bye-bye. See you later, honey.

Yeah, great party.

Buh-bye. Yeah, we love you. We love you.

Goodnight. Goodnight. Lots of fun. Good fun, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh-oh.

Would you mind telling me what is going on?

Uh, disastrous to numerous dimension. Heh.

- Break a leg. - Yes.

Uh, I'm sorry the party's over, you'll have to leave.

Marvin from Patagonia.

My reputation precedes me.

Well, Nicholas and Irving are asleep outside in the tent.

Fine. No reason to involve them in this.

Hey, look, dad and Abby won't be home

[ … ]

until about o'clock tomorrow night.

So, why don't we just hit the sack

and deal with this disaster tomorrow?

Okay.

The first one up, um, wake everybody else, okay?

- I'll be by early to help. - Thanks, David.

Uh, Mary, I'm really sorry about all of this.

It's alright, Tommy.

It doesn't look like there's any permanent damage.

By the way, how was the party?

It had its moments.

I bet.

[telephone ringing]

(Tommy) 'Oh, man, will somebody get that thing?'

(Susan) 'Go away. I'm asleep.'

[ringing continues]

[clears throat]

Hello.

Hi, Abby, how are you?

Yes, everything's fine here.

Yeah.

You're what? You're arriving at :..

...tonight.

This morning.

Uh, what? No, nothing is wrong, Abby.

Everything is fine. Really.

No, it's just that I'm excited.

I'm glad you're coming home early. Really.

Okay, have a safe trip.

Bye.

Air raid! And this isn't a test!

Come on, you guys. Come on, you guys.

Please, somebody get the vacuum, okay?

Look, Elizabeth..

Oh, God, there's stuff all over the floor. We need to..

Morning, Tommy.

I was just on my way to the golf course.

And I, uh.. Well, actually, your dad asked me to stop by

and check up on you guys.

Oh, gosh! That, that was really nice of you.

Well, can I come in?

Uh, gee, uh, I-I'd like to let you in

but, see, dad left strict orders

not to let any non-family members in.

I'm practically family.

That's just a mere technicality.

For all I know, this is some scheme

that dad concocted to make sure we were following orders.

Gotcha. Okay.

You just be sure to tell your dad that I stopped by.

He now owes me a case of heartburn.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Sorry, sorry.

[instrumental music]

Um, you're all packed up. Are you leaving already?

Yeah, I, I've stayed long enough.

Oh, good luck on your journey

and I hope you find the Flower-Children.

If I do they'll have to be in Patagonia.

- I'm goin' home. - You goin' home? Why?

Because I'm in a time warp.

Because the boat sailed without me.

Because I've-I've seen what it's like on the outside

and I can't handle it.

Things are much simpler in Patagonia.

Here, I want you to have this.

Your copy of "Siddhartha?"

Where I'm going, I won't be needing it.

- Bye. - Bye.

[door shuts]

Excuse me.

I'm Mrs. Moore from up the street.

I'm looking for my son.

I'm Marvin from Patagonia. I'm looking for my soul.

[doorbell ringing]

- Is my Irving here? - Yeah. I think so.

- Ohh. - Um, Nicholas.

Uh-oh.

Irving Julius Moore.

Come here this instant.

We've been looking all over for you, son.

Your mother's been sick with worry.

(Mrs. Moore) 'Your father hasn't slept all night.'

Well, son, what do you have to say for yourself?

I won't come home unless you change my name.

Well, I'd say when we Bradfords put our mind to it--

We can correct our mistakes.

Hey, Tommy, I wanna thank you for..

Hey, don't worry about it. It's cool.

- Joannie! Joannie! - What?

You remember "The brain in the pan" theory?

Huh, some things one never forgets.

How about the other one?

"The body in the bathtub theory."

- What? - Yeah. Come on.

- What's going on? - Upstairs?

You're not gonna believe this.

We don't have much time. Oh.

[ … ]

[Joannie laughs]

You know, that's the most interesting I've ever seen him.

[Susan laughs]

(Mary) 'Dad and Abby are here.'

Come on. Rise and shine, Aristotle.

- Get up - Come on.

- Get up. - Time to go.

- Get up. - Hurry. Hurry.

Right on time.

- Hurry. Hurry. - Get out of here.

- Oh, get this guy out of here! - Get out the back way.

- Which way is the back way? - This way! Go, go.

Come on.

Okay, okay. Oh, boy. Just try and look innocent.

(all) Hey!

[cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

You know what I like about going away?

- What? - Coming home.

I missed you.

Abby, look what I found

in the drawer on the hutch cabinet.

Brownies?

Yeah. Untouched.

I mean, that's strange, isn't it?

[chuckles]

You know, something is going on in this house

that I don't understand.

What do you mean?

Well, for one thing, look..

It's barely o'clock and everybody's in bed.

Maybe they're tired.

There's another thing. Look around.

The house is cleaner now than when we left.

Maybe the kids just wanted to surprise us.

- Do you want some cream? - No, thanks.

There's more.

Do you know I found a blob of onion dip

on the dining room chandelier?

I have no explanation for that one.

To tell you the truth, I don't want

any answers to these questions.

I'm afraid of what I might find out.

I think you're just being suspicious.

I mean, we went away, we came back.

Everybody's safe and sound.

Yeah, maybe you're right. I guess I am being silly.

Mm-hmm.

Well, shall we?

Yeah. Bet it's just a welcome home gift.

It'd be a crime to have them go to waste.

Welcome home.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]