02x01 - Beef

[bunniefuu]

(monitor beeping)

(softly) Itchy.

(monitor beeping)

(rubbing palms, exhales)

(beeping continues)

(softly) Towel.

(beeping continues)

(wringing cloth)

(beeping continues)

MARCUS (quietly):
Love you.

(engine starts)

("The Show Goes On"
by Bruce Hornsby playing)

♪

♪ What's the long face?

♪ What's all the crying for?

♪ Didn't you expect it...

(exhales)

f*ck.

Corner!

Fak, it's a facelift,
it's not a gut.

Bear, it is a facelift
and a gut.

-He is not wrong, Jeffrey.
-SYDNEY: Hey.

-How's my budget looking?
-Great.

-Not good.
-Shitty.

CARMY:
Alright. f*ck this. Watch.

The Bear, alright?

We have equipment that works.

That's a great start, everybody.
Zero.

Then we have a deep clean...

-SYDNEY: Very.
-Very deep...

clean
and drywall insulation.

-Tables, chairs...
-The fridge is still f*cked
and the gas line...

The fryer is f*cked.

The fryer is f*cked.
That's K right there.

No, that's ten
for a used
piece-of-sh*t fryer.

And then another ten
for the correct fryer.

And the oven is scary,
that's another ten.

Okay, good.
Alright, so we got .

-Thirty. Thirty. The oven.
-Thirty? f*ck me.

Then we got the windows,
the demo, the brick.

That's K plus K,
that is K.

-Plus , that's K
-CARMY: That's not bad. Really?

f*ck me. Cousin!

Plus the permits,
the inspections,
and the licenses.

-CARMY: Yes. Right. Okay!
-And those people aren't nice.

-CARMY: K, K, plus K.
-Smart thinking, Neil.

CARMY: So we're at .

-Eighty.
-Ninety.

Ninety. Ninety.

-I was gonna say , okay.
-SUGAR: Fridge is f*cked.

-Also AC.
-HVAC?

So we are at .

-SYDNEY: Hmm.
-Ha, ha, no, just kidding.

Ninety-five, K.

SYDNEY:
Just out of morbid curiosity,

how accurate do we think
these numbers are?

I think I am pretty much right
on a couple of 'em.

Fantastic.

And you have to pay us, Jeffrey.

She's right about that,
Jefferson.

I know. I'm aware.
And I've already...

I've set that aside, okay?

Also, I still don't see
the drywall on there.

Yes, right, no.
Richie's brother-in-law,

he's gonna do
the drywall, actually.

Cousin!
Where the f*ck is he?

It's so weird
when he doesn't answer me.

-He's downstairs.
-He's still downstairs?

Still, yeah.

Alright, I'll be back.

We need more money.

We need a project manager.

Okay. You're hired.

-Yeah, right.
-Yeah. Right.

-Syd.
-Nat.

-Not good.
-No. Bad. Bad.

♪ ...falls down

♪ See, the lights do a long

♪ Slow fade

♪ The show goes on

(footsteps approaching)

(quietly) f*ck.

Yo. Cousin, can you call Sal?

I need a drywall estimate.

Thirteen.

CARMY:
Thirteen what? For what?

That'll be his drywall estimate.

Oh.

Okay.

Yo, you ever think
about purpose?

I love you, but I do not
have time for this, alright?

I have time for this.

Purpose.

What's my purpose, homie?

Your shirt says
"Original Berf."

It's a printing mistake.

Collector's item.

Yo, um, I'm trying
really hard to be on board

with all this new sh*t, cousin.

I'm, uh, I'm reading a lot.

I'm trying to learn about
who am I to my history.

So in one of these books,
there's this dude who's got...

like, no skills,

no personality, nothin'.

All he does is watches trains.

Watches trains do what?

RICHIE:
Watches 'em be trains.

And he's got this...

group of friends that he's had
since he's a little kid,

you know,
and they're all the sh*t...

and they're
outgrowing him, like,

one's like a sick athlete,
one's a genius.

This other one's
nasty on the keys.

Then, this other one,
she's got, like,

charisma like a m*therf*cker.

And one day, out of the blue,

boom.

They drop his ass.

They just...
cut that m*therf*cker off.

Why do they do that?

'Cause he's got no purpose.

Okay, so, wh-what does he do?

RICHIE: I don't know.
I haven't read that far.

But I do know that I'm...

forty-five.
I've been here a long time.

You feel me?

I mean, you know what the f*ck
you're doing, you know.

You love all this sh*t.

It's fun for you.

I don't have that.

I'm afraid one day,
I'm gonna wake up

and you guys
are all just gonna cut...

just drop this ass.

Richie, I'm not
gonna drop this ass.

This sh*t's not fun for me.

-(sniffs)
-RICHIE: Yeah, but you love it.

That doesn't make it fun.

If this sh*t is not fun
for you, cousin,

what the f*ck is fun for you?

I don't know. I have to
get back to you on that.

♪

All these pots are toast, mama.

We're gonna have to get
the good-good for the new Jeff.

SYDNEY: New Jeff?

If Carmy is the executive chef

and you're the CDC,
you're the new Carmy.

We need a new Sydney.

Um, okay,
well, good-good is expensive.

So let's just see
what we can salvage here.

Sydney, look at this sh*t.

Half of these pots
are burnt on one side.

Well, you know, it's always
about the craftsperson,
not the tools.

Yeah, okay, these are, um,

just really cheap, shitty
restaurant supply bullshit.

Maybe we can
Bar Keepers Friend
some of them.

Hmm, science, baby.

Well, do you want
a little more science?

Always.
I love learning this sh*t.

Okay, well, on the good-good,

there's, like, all these
stacked layers of steel,

and in between them
is an aluminum core.

You're an aluminum core.

-TINA: Oh, hi, baby.
-What's up, T?

-How you doing?
-Aw.

Just, like, lurking,
waiting till I,
like, said that or--

No, no, I just walked in,
perfect timing.

Yeah, okay.

-How is she?
-MARCUS: All good.

Um, nurse just had an emergency.

She'll be back tomorrow,
and Chester's got her.

If you need anything...

Yeah, I know.

(indistinct chatter)

FAK:
♪ When your back's
against the wall ♪

♪ That's when
I kick you in the balls ♪

♪ Ballbreaker

I'm gonna find you a new home.

That's gonna be my home.

Your home's my home.

(sighs)

Oh, don't worry about me.

I got it, you know.
Just heavy as sh*t.

sh*t, uh...
Well, never mind.

That was much easier.

("Handshake dr*gs"
by Wilco playing)

♪ Saxophones started
blowing me down ♪

♪ I was buried in sound

♪ Taxicabs were
driving me around ♪

♪ To the handshake dr*gs
I bought downtown ♪

SYDNEY:
Corner.

RICHIE:
Corner.

♪ To the handshake dr*gs

♪ I bought downtown

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

You...

♪ They were
translated poorly... ♪

Fudge.

Yo. Nat, what was that
great idea we had the other day?

-The one I said to write down?
-CARMY: Yeah.

I don't suppose
you wrote it down?

-No. I'm starving. You want?
-SUGAR: No, that's yours.

I thought I wanted it,
but then I wanted to throw up.

In other news,
I reviewed your numbers.

Mm-hmm. And?

Aside from being vaguely
kinda a little bit sorta close,

you're missing
an IRS stipulation.

Which IRS stipulation?

SUGAR:
The one that says businesses

have to have
all previous debts be current...

Yeah, but we're on
a payment plan.

...and complete before any new
business license is granted.

That can't possibly be true.

SUGAR: Here.

-Alright. So that's,
that's definitely true.
-Mm-hmm.

Okay, great,
I can figure that out.

Um, thank you.
Thank you for, uh,
for helping today

but you have to get
the f*ck outta here.

-You gotta save yourself.
-Um...

Sydney asked me
to be project manager.

Really? That's interesting.
What did you say?

That it was interesting
and that I'd think about.

We need a project manager?

Yes. Yes, we do.
Very much so.

Yes. Hello. Good morning.

I'm not making
the same mistakes
I made last time.

Yeah, but then, you know,
who's gonna approve

all these insane interest rates?

Oh, that's nice.
Carm, go f*ck yourself?

-What's going on?
-Oh, you're not gonna like it.

-Awesome.
-SYDNEY: So gas is off

until hoods and overheads
pass the new
fire suppression test.

-Okay. Is that a Fak?
Sounds like a Fak.
-No, it is not a Fak.

It is not a Fak.

It's a specialist. Aw.

-sh*t.
-SYDNEY: Yeah, sh*t.

But some good news.

Everybody is food certified
except for Ebra,

who just needs to be renewed.

And Richie, who actually
has never done it because...

-Richie.
-SYDNEY: Yes.

Also, I filed with the BACP

for our
City of Chicago Consultant.

-Right.
-SYDNEY: We need them to approve

all of our
new business paperwork,

and then they'll send a rep
and that rep will sign off

on another rep
who will come and look at stuff

and then sign off
on a, on a different rep.

-How many reps is that?
-Many.

A lot. A lot of reps. Yeah.

But it's-it's gonna be okay,
you know.

All we have to do
is just stay calm

and make sure--

-CARMY: f*ck.
-Sydney.

-f*ck.
-MARCUS: What was that?

Uh, fell through a wall.

-Good morning.
-Damn, you got strong.

What kind of
insurance coverage do we have

for people falling
through the f*ckin' wall?

The really good kind
where you pray they don't.

Yo! Syd, you just fu...

Why'd you tear Fenway?

Why did I tear Fenway?

That's been there
for five years.

SYDNEY:
You think I intentionally
fell through a wall?

"A," f*ck the Red Sox,

and "B,"
what has it been hiding
for five years?

"A," that's...

Three, four, five.

"A," that's Mikey's
favorite squad,

so please show
some respect, okay?

And "B," that's the result
of some failed Jewish Lightning.

-Yo.
-What?

What?
That's what it's called.

No, we're not doing that.

I'd like to add it
to the list, please.

Look, I haven't said

G or R in over a week.

No, cousin, explain.

In an effort
of personal growth,

I promise not to say
gay or Ret*rded--

-No, cousin, the hole. Explain.
-You just-just said it.

Jewish Lightning
is when you burn down a place.

Yeah, the explanation
makes it seem worse.

RICHIE: Look,
there was a time when

Mikey was maybe on some sh*t
and he thought

that if this place were
to accidentally... burn down,

that maybe there'd be
some insurance money.

I got it, thank you.

SYDNEY: I just wanna
say that I think

the explanation
of Jewish Lightning

does cement it as something
that we shouldn't say.

You're correct.

Alright, this is salvageable.

Um, Natalie, do you know
where the tape is?

The tape is packed.
It's up front.

-Okay?
-TINA: Jeff.

-You fell through the wall?
-RICHIE: Corner.

-SYDNEY: Yes. Yes.
-You okay?

Okay. What was I saying?

Gotta stay calm
and take it step by step.

No, I know. We will.

Not the first hole in a wall
I've fallen through.

-No, no, that's what
you were saying.
-It is.

SYDNEY: Huh? Really?

Okay.

(snaps fingers)
Paint in the crawlspace.

That was the great idea?

Yo, cousin, you do me a favor

and get the paint
from the crawlspace?

RICHIE:
I'm on the operating table
right now, cousin.

Purpose, Chef.

RICHIE: Good point, Chef.

Thank you.

So there's a hole in the wall.

SUGAR: Yeah, I heard.

Do me a favor.
Just keep thinking about it.

I'll definitely
keep thinking about that hole.

CARMY: No.
No, the project management.

Oh.

Um, timing on my side
is not great.

Never is.

There's not enough money.

Never is.

Where do you get more?

(alarm blaring)

Is that in my head?

Ow.

(blaring continues)

No.

-Okay.
-(blaring continues in distance)

So, um, this is coming

from a place of wanting
to start fresh and clean.

(blaring continues)

I love this place.
I love this city.

I wanna start
our first business here.

I want it to be a real business,

an honest business
with-with-with honest partners.

We wanna do high-level dining

and hospitality
and-and-and beverages.

And we can and we will
because we know

that any good restaurant starts

with dedication to service
and taking care of the customer.

We drafted a quick term sheet
that specifically lays out

not only
our business prospectus,

but an execution guide
as well as a return portfolio.

Hey, Richard, will you turn
that f*cking thing off, please?

-RICHIE: I'm trying.
-(blaring continues)

What the f*ck we doin' here?

What's going on?
What are you...

What are you doing?

Mikey was
telling you the truth.

About the-the petting zoo?

What? No, no, no, no.

-Mini golf?
-CARMY: No.

-About franchising.
-(blaring continues)

He wanted to franchise
this place.

He wanted to open
a restaurant with me.

How the f*ck do you know?

'Cause we found your money.

(blaring continues)

m*therf*cker didn't put it
in a bank, did he?

No, he-he definitely
didn't put it in a bank.

CICERO:
Oh, God. Thank Christ.

What is KBL?

Kalinowski, me,
Berzatto, you, Layne, Lee.

Lee? Who's Lee?

Uncle Lee Layne.

Oof. That's not our uncle.

Yeah, well,
Richie's not your cousin.

-RICHIE: Heard and resented.
-(blaring continues)

Hey, Richie, could you
please turn that

g*dd*mn motherfuckin'
thing off?

It's making me insane!

How's it not makin' you insane?

-I don't mind it.
-CICERO: Lucky you.

I'm on it, Uncle J.
How the f*ck did I know

that the crawlspace
had a g*dd*mn alarm on it?

Mikey's f*ckin'
Kevin McCalliper--

-ALL: McCallister.
-McCallister.

Yes. Hello.

Uh, the password
is "gofastboatsmojito,"
all one word.

Yeah. Go fast boats
and then mojito.
All one word.

Okay, so just to be clear,

'cause, you know,
I can't f*ckin' hear correctly.

Not only are you
not giving me back

the original $ ,
you owe me,

but you are also asking me
for an additional $ , ?

-Yes, that sounds correct.
-CICERO: Okay.

And so how many times
you've done this, Carm?

None times.

And what's
your track record, Syd?

-Not great.
-Cool. I'm in.

Okay, you are first out
with a bonkers interest rate

because, well,
we have no choice.

And you'd also be
entitled to a partnership.

Partnership of what,
my love?

Hey, you throw a rock,
you hit five great restaurants.

We're going to be better.

Um, this is going to be
a destination spot.

This is going to be
an excellent restaurant.

And I know that because
we're going to get a star.

-Syd.
-Carm.

-f*ck stars.
-Okay, well, you can say that

because you already got one.

No, no, no, I never got one.
I retained it.

That's basically a cousin
of getting one.

-Okay, kids.
-CARMY: It's not getting one,
it's retaining one.

Somebody else got it,
I retained it.

-SUGAR: Guys.
-You kinda got one, though.

-What do you mean?
-SUGAR: They're being funny.

SYDNEY: Let's get a star.

-(blaring stops)
-Oh, thank f*cking God.

-Thank f*ck.
-RICHIE: Yeah, bitch.

Okay, so you get a star.
Now what?

-We're dialed.
-My trapped.

My friends,
can I tell you a story

about complete
and utter failure?

Look, we don't pay you back

by the end of months,
and it is yours.

-What's mine?
-CARMY: All of it.

The building and the lot.

-Well, Carm.
-Yeah, Carm.

What do you think?

I don't know
what the f*ck I'm thinkin'.

-Tell me more.
-You can get
five million for this lot.

Two maybe.

-Your math is--
-f*cked.

-Yeah. Not good.
-Okay.

Look, we don't pay you
the money

by the end of months,
worst-case scenario,

you helped out your nephew,
he blew it.

You're out grand,
and you can make two million.

And then we are done forever.

Jimmy, I wasn't gonna
tell you about the money,

but we need more, okay?

And we need a partner,
and that is the truth.

What do you say?

How long'd it take you to open?

That is a great question.

CICERO: Well, you know...

great partners
ask great questions.

(exciting music playing)

Okay.

Alright, Fak, Gary
on construction and demo.

-Syd, we're on menu?
-SYDNEY: Yes, Chef.

SUGAR:
With Jimmy's injection,
it's gonna take

at least eight months
to get into profit,

which, to put it generously,
is tight,

given it's gonna take
six months to open.

-Six months?
-Six months?

Yeah, at least.

And that's being...

-What, confident?
-Cocky.

Crazy. You guys. Crazy.

Dude, um, we have months
to pay back that loan.

Uh, is there anything we can do?
I mean...

Dude, you are the one
that said months.

-That's a CP.
-CARMY: What's a CP?

-Carmy Problem.
-A Carmy Problem.

-Great.
-Six months is gonna k*ll us.

Yeah. No, we're gonna have
to be rockin' from the jump.

Just f*ckin' packed right out.

And you want a, uh, star.

I think it'd be nice. Yeah.

-Godspeed.
-Thank you.

-CARMY: Start looking into crew?
-Yeah.

Natalie, do you work here?

I'm still thinking.

I have one person
still thinking, Chef.

-CARMY: Tremendous.
-Thank you.

Alright, okay,
we're gonna have to

find people that want to learn,

which is gonna be impossible.

But, you know,
it's even more difficult

to teach people
how to give a sh*t, so.

TINA:
Good night. Jeffs.

-Bye, T.
-Good night.

TINA:
Okay. Oh, and Sydney,

I got a bunch
of those stains out.

That Bar Keepers works.

Science, baby.

Yeah, okay, I'll see you all
bright and early tomorrow.

CARMY:
Yep. Night, Chef.

-SUGAR: Bye.
-Night.

(door opens, closes)

Tina.

Tina? Tina, hey.

-Sorry, uh...
-What's up?

I wanted to...

I wanted to ask you something,
and-and you can totally say no.

-It might be completely insane.
-I could stay later.

-It's just there wasn't
that much left to do.
-No, no, go home, obviously.

Go home. It's-it's more...
I wanted to ask you...

Uh, yeah.
If you-- obviously
feel free to say no,

this is probably insane.

And it would just require
a lot of training.

And, I mean,
like a lot of training,

like, more than you've
probably ever done before.

And you also know this place.

I mean,
it's a f*cking hell hole.

And why would you
wanna be here?

But, um, yeah,
it was just about earlier.

If you, you know,
you were talking about

the new sous and I guess--

Oh, yeah, I can ask around.

I just don't know
anybody off the top--

No, no, no.

T... Tina, I'm asking you

if you would,
um, be interested

in learning how to be my sous.

Yeah, if you... I guess...

I don't know.
if you wanna be
my Jeff or whatever.

(Tina laughs)

Oh, f*ck. Oh, Christ.

-You're very strong.
-Yes. Yes. Yes.

SYDNEY:
You're very, very strong.

-I am.
-That's cool.

-Great. Okay.
-TINA: Okay.

Um, yeah, go home, though.

-TINA: Okay.
-Yeah.

But I'll talk to you tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?
-SYDNEY: Yeah.

-Yes, Jeff.
-SYDNEY: Okay. Night.

Okay.

She all good?

Well, I'm almost outta here.

I appreciate you, dude.

DVR it.
She'll watch it later.

Alright.

Quiet.

Don't think I've ever heard it
be quiet in here.

Definitely not.

Good evening, Chef.

Good night, Chef.

♪ In the darkest hour

♪ Of the longest night

♪ If it was in my power

♪ I'd step into the light

♪ Candles on the altar

♪ Penny in your shoe

-Night, guys.
-SYDNEY: Night.

-Thanks for today, Bear.
-Yeah, you're welcome.

-Ah, we'll see you tomorrow?
-SUGAR: Uh, we'll see.

Okay. Well,
I'm choosing to believe.

Really gonna leave early?

I mean, there's only so much
we can do without permits.

It feels weird, though,
right?

Very. Yes.

-It's too chill?
-(Sydney scoffs)

Well, I don't know.
We can go home early.

Right.

-Um...
-What are you, uh...

Oh, uh, I don't know.

Um, what are you gonna...

No idea.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

-Yep.
-Cool.

-Okay, night.
-Night.

♪ Transcendental blues

("New Noise"
by Refused playing)

(train rattling)

Yo!

Six months is too long.

We need to open this sh*t ASAP.

Heard.

Is this a terrible idea?

Cool. Good. Okay. Yeah.

Just making sure.

♪ Can I scream?

♪ Yeah!

♪ We lack the motion

♪ To move to the new b*at ♪

♪ Whoo!

♪ We lack the motion

♪ To move to the new b*at ♪

♪ It's here for us to admire

♪ If we can afford
the beauty of it ♪

♪ If we can afford the luxury
of turning our heads ♪

♪ If we tried
and tried and tried ♪

♪ Adjust that
thousand-dollar smile ♪

♪ And behold
the creation of man ♪

♪ Great words
won't cover ugly actions ♪

♪ Good frames
won't save bad paintings ♪

♪ Whoo!

♪ To move to the new b*at

♪ Yeah!

♪ We lack