02x06 - Fishes

[bunniefuu]

("It's the Most Wonderful
Time of the Year"
by Andy Williams playing)

(door opens)

(indistinct arguing)

DONNA:
Come on, guys, stop!

(door closes)

-MIKEY: Hey.
-Hi.

MIKEY:
You okay, buddy?

-Yeah.
-MIKEY: Yeah?

-SUGAR: Hmm.
-Yeah.

(sighs)

-I love you, bear.
-I love you, too, bear.

Maybe just, like,

like, don't do it to yourself?

(sighs)
It's not like I'm trying to.

But, you know,
when you do that,
it just kinda, like...

does it to all of us?

-Michael.
-Natalie.

Just don't ask her.

It's not like I wanna ask her.

I know, I know,
but it's that thing, you know.

You ask somebody
if they're okay,

they immediately start thinking
they're not acting okay...

and that immediately makes them
start not acting okay.

No one can make anyone else
act a certain way.

(Mikey laughs)

Okay.

-Remember last year?
-MIKEY: Hmm.

-And the year before?
-Yeah.

So I'm not f*cking crazy.

Nobody thinks you're crazy.
Nobody's saying that.

Well, she is.

Yeah, she's f*ckin'
out of her mind.

And here I am,
just f*cking in the middle

because you're you
and Carmy's Carmy.

MIKEY:
Okay, so then, just,
you know, let us handle it.

-You won't handle it.
-MIKEY: No, we won't. Exactly.

That's my point.

With her, not handling it,

it's the best way to handle it.

I mean, where do you think
she's at right now?

What, like at a four?
A five?

She's not at a six, right?

Hmm. No.

I've heard you ask her
three times tonight
if she's alright.

You don't have to ask her
every ten minutes if she's okay.

That's not gonna help anything.

Do you know how much
I would love

to feel like I didn't
have to ask her?

I bet you would
love that very, very much.

-Yes, a lot.
-Yeah. Yeah.

-I would love it a lot.
-I'm sure.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, you guys call me?

No, I just said you're you.

Hey, hey, Mikey, can you come
inside and be you real quick?

I don't know how to deal
with these people.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

(indistinct arguing)

(clears throat)
Let me see.

Thanks.

-(Fak yelling indistinctly)
-Yo.

Is this some family sh*t
I should know about?

SUGAR: No, it is not.

Give us a second,
alright, cousin?

RICHIE: Alright.

Happy you're home, bear.

Would it k*ll you
to pick up the phone?

Carm.

I'm happy you're home.

Okay?

I'm not gonna ask
if she's okay.

-That's good.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

Carm, will you handle Mom?

Yeah. I'll handle her.

SUGAR: Mikey, them?

I'm gonna handle 'em.

Our Mother of Victory.

Pray for us.

("All Alone on Christmas"
by Darlene Love playing)

Carol, What would you
like me to do with this?

Bend over and I'll show ya.

Well, it's f*ckin' burning me.

Hey, new person, take this.

It's Steven, you met me
a million times.

Come on, Lee,
you met him a million times.

-Lee, I'm not touching it.
-LEE: Jimmy!

Tell, tell Carol
to stop shouting at me.

Bro, why are you yelling?

You ever been b*rned
with a f*ckin' Dutch oven?

Here, Sugar, take this.

f*ck, I don't wanna take this.

Oh, you're so tough,
I'll lay you out.

Hey, are you gonna lay me out?

Is that, like,
what you're gonna do?

Enough.
Way to handle them, Mikey.

♪ I get a little lonely
every year around this time ♪

♪ The music plays
all night in Little Italy ♪

♪ The lights will be going up
on old Rockafella's tree ♪

♪ People window shoppin'
on Fifth Avenue ♪

♪ All I want
for Christmas is you ♪

♪ I've gotta know ♪

♪ Where do lonely hearts go? ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Nobody ought to be ♪

♪ All alone on Christmas ♪

♪ Things are different
since you've been here last ♪

♪ Childhood dreaming
is a thing of the past ♪

I believe that I have
the greatest

financial opportunity
that you've ever heard.

TED:
Baseball cards are back.

-I'm telling you, money.
We're making cash...
-FAK: We got a whole box.

All we need is $
to buy a box.

My eBay is lit up.
Notifications. Alerts.

(overlapping chatter)

Can I stop you one second?

-TED: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-FAK: Yes.

How many f*cking Faks
are there?

Well, there's Kenny
and Sammy and Susan,

and then Frank, Francie,

-and then there's Doug.
-TED: A good amount of us.

-Gary.
-A lot. Okay.
Back to the pitch.

Listen, no, back to the pitch.
We got, we got, we got,

we got Ken Griffey.

FAK:
There's Lenny Dykstra.

TED: We got,
you know, Jay Buhner.

We got Vance Law.

-Oh, my God.
-TED: Yeah.

Tell me you got
Mickey f*ckin' Morandini.

Of course! Of course we do.

-They're all in the box!
-(overlapping chatter)

But we need, we need $ .

-You've got Morandini?
-FAK: $ .

-Yeah!
-TED: We've got Morandini.

-We need $ .
-TED: Copy and paste.

To turn into $ ,

-within a couple months.
-TED: Couple months.

-Time out.
-TED: Yeah, yeah.

Hold this so I can slap ya.

Stupidest f*ckin' idea
I ever heard.

Merry Christmas.

-Do you think he's in?
-Do you think he's in?

Was that a business slap?

BOTH: Yeah.

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ I don't want
to fight tonight ♪

-(ringing)
-Ma.

DONNA: Carmen.

I'm spilling sh*t everywhere.

And I'm behind on the lobster.

Carmen, I have a question.

Is cousin Michelle's friend
Steven, is he gay?

CARMY:
Is who gay? Ma. Ma, Ma, Ma.

Why are you doing
the seven fishes thing?

-Nobody ever eats this sh*t.
-DONNA: No, no, no.

Steven, is he gay?
I mean, he seems kinda gay.

You know, he's arty and...

I mean,
I love him and everything,

but he's gay, I think.

And it's tradition.

It's tradition that he's gay?

DONNA:
No. The seven fishes.

What the f*ck do you think
I've been doing this

since : this morning for?

Okay. Ma, hey, how can I help?

DONNA:
Uh, you can fix the forks.

Um, I just need
some olives for the drinks.

I'm not gonna touch nothing.

Oh, my God.
What smells so good?

-Oh, my God.
-DONNA: That'd be me.

-CICERO: Is it you?
-Check.

Come here.

-Oh, it is you.
-(chuckles)

-Hey. Hey.
-How are you?

-What's for dessert?
-No, no, no, no.

You brought the cake.

Get the f*ck out.

(mumbles)

-MAN: Hey, there.
-DONNA: Yeah.

-Hey, Carmen.
-CARMY: Yeah.

DONNA:
Stop giving me sh*t about it.

CARMY: What? What?

I'm just trying
to do a nice thing, honey.

Just-just stop, like,
f*cking with it.

Alright. alright.
Forget it. Yeah.
-DONNA: Just do it.

-Mrs. B, are our
skateboards in here?
-DONNA: No!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

-Faks, out, out, out.
-TED: What's up, Carm?

Michael said that our
skateboards were in here.

-How you doing, Ma?
-Out, out.

This is a delicate operation.

Big Neil
got us skateboards.

You make me hot.
You make me very hot.

Do you think
that we can sleepover--

There's no sleepovers
at Christmas.
What the f*ck?

FAK:
No, we can sleepover.

No, you can't sleepover
on Christmas.

-No. Mm-mmm.
-FAK: No? No.

Big Neil
got us skateboards.

You know what? Shut up.

-Michael!
-Michael hid 'em.

Hey, Michael.
Get in here. Mike?

-FAK: Mike.
-The Faks are asking me
stupid things--

-Ma, are you good?
-CARMY: Yeah, yeah, we're good.

-Ma, you--
-CARMY: Hey, hey, hey.

Can you, uh, can you
grab some paper towels

from the garage, Sug?

(overlapping chatter)

-Yo, Mike, what's up?
-(chatter continues)

-FAK: How you doing?
-TED: What's up, Mike?

-Yo, what's up, Mike?
-You're like a grown man,

why are you looking
for a f*ckin' skateboard?

-I got a little side hustle.
-MIKEY: Do me a favor.

Go get some ice
from the garage.

-On it.
-DONNA: Okay.
What was I doing?

-Okay.
-DONNA: Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Where's the cake?

-Where's the cake?
-It's defrosting, Ma, it's fine.

-MIKEY: Ma, why don't
you let him help you?
-Okay. Okay.

MIKEY:
It's all he f*cking does.

-He'd be great.
-What was that?

What was that?
Like a, that was a sh*t or...

Mikey, he is helping me.
Back off.

-Is that a sh*t?
-CARMY: What? Yeah.

I'm the guy that does food.

You're the guy that what?
You-you, uh...

You start
different businesses

and have zero follow-through.

-DONNA: Carmen, I need you
to check the branzino.
-Wow.

I feel like
that was a sh*t, Carm.

Okay, this is why, this is why
I didn't wanna come home.

-This is why.
-f*ck you.

-What the f*ck? What?
-Why the f*ck
would you say that?

It's f*ckin' Christmas.
Why would you say
you didn't wanna come back?

Whatever, okay? Whatever.

-MIKEY: Whatever. Okay.
-(ringing)

We're very happy
you're home, Carm.

-DONNA: Yes, we are.
-We're all very
f*cking proud of you.

-We all really f*ckin' love you.
-I'm not a f*ckin' baby.

Then stop being
a f*ckin' p*ssy
and say the words.

-Stop being a p*ssy.
Just say the f*ckin' words.
-DONNA: Say the words.

-Carmen, come on.
-Just say the words.

DONNA: Just say it.

-I love you.
-DONNA: (grunts) Ohh!

-MIKEY: Thank you. Thank you.
-DONNA: Thank you.

-Thank you.
-DONNA: Okay.

So happy the bear's home.

DONNA: Yes, I'm happy.
Come here. I am happy.

-Hi. Yeah. Okay.
-DONNA: Happy, happy.

-CARMY: Thank you.
-You know, it's nice he's back.

We get him only once a year.

-CARMY: Mom.
-DONNA: He's too fancy for us.

Okay, Carmen,
I need you to pay attention.

-CARMY: Yeah, yeah.
-Alright? No, come here.

-CARMY: What?
-So when that timer goes off...

-Uh-huh.
-...I need you to remember

to put the Rockefellers in,

um, and-and take out
the artichokes,

which leaves an open oven.

Stop doing something
and just listen.

CARMY: Okay. Alright,
I hear you, I hear you.

-What was I saying?
-CARMY: What? What?

We were saying we gotta
free up one of the slots

-in the oven, right? Yes. Okay.
-DONNA: Right, oven slot.

So then, we take
the artichokes out.

So then I need you to put
the branzino on the top

and let it broil
and just get that

nice little crispy bit on top.

-Uh-huh.
-And then I need to remember
to set this timer back

to two minutes
to drop the lobsters back in.

And then when that goes off,

I need you
to take the branzino out.

And-and don't forget
to stir the gravy.

-Oh, my God.
-Why? What do we got gravy for?

Because nobody gets this sh*t.

That was unpleasant.
I threw up all over my sweater.

Is it okay
I borrowed your robe?

-DONNA: Oh, of course.
You know what?
-I'm sorry.

DONNA:
It looks so pretty on you.
You should keep it.

-Oh, you're so sweet.
-No, no, no. Seriously.

-Hi, Carm. hi, hi.
-CARMY: Hi, Tiff.

-Hi. How are you?
-How you doing? You okay?

I mean,
I'm puking everywhere.

But I'm alright. I'm pregnant.
Do you know this?

-CARMY: Yeah, yeah.
Congratulations. I know.
-We're having a baby. Thank you.

-She is not alright.
-Why?

-TIFF: What? I mean...
-She is throwing up.

Get her some Brioschi.
I mean... You know what?

Hey, Ri, Ri.

-Get your f*cking ass in here.
-RICHIE: What?

DONNA: Get Tiff
some Brioschi right now.

-Oh, my God. What's going on?
-That's it, that's it, I got it.

-TIFF: How was Ireland?
-Uh, Copenhagen.

-TIFF: Oh, sorry.
Where is Copenhagen?
-Yeah. Sorry, sorry.

-CARMY: Huh?
-TIFF: Where's Copenhagen?

RICHIE:
Aunt Deedee,

why are you
screaming at me
like a maniac?

Why are you screaming at me
like a maniac?

-DONNA: Stop tickling me!
-RICHIE: Wh... (laughs)

DONNA: Stop it right now!

RICHIE: Why are you
screaming like a maniac?

-I'm right here.
-You know. You know
I'm really ticklish.

-RICHIE: Alright, alright.
-Stop.

CARMY:
Watch out. Watch out.

-Richie. Jesus Christ.
-She's okay. She's fine.

-TIFF: How do you know I'm okay?
-RICHIE: She's alright.

-She's a little nauseous.
-Be a gentleman

-and take care of her.
-She's a little bit nauseous.

-Actually--
-What the hell do you
have on your sleeve?

-Don't worry about it.
-Jesus, this is your
nice sweater. I got it for you.

Actually, nausea's good for
a baby 'cause it lets you
know that they're healthy.

-He read one book. Yeah.
-DONNA: Okay, you know what.

-Do you wanna go lay down
upstairs in my bed?
-That would be nice.

-Oh, thanks, D.
-Of course.

-D, you got a little
green on you.
-That's sweet of you.

Oh, okay. Thank you.
You know what? Go lay down.

RICHIE: You want
a Sprite or something?

You go up, I'm gonna
get you a Sprite.

-Alright.
-You want anything else, babe?

-I don't know.
-DONNA: You good, bear?

CARMY: Yeah, yeah.
I'm good, I'm good.

I asked you not to do this.

-I didn't do anything.
-Yeah.

-What?
-You look a little green.

-Do you want a Sprite?
-Thank you, I feel--

Oh, yeah, that would be nice.
Thank you.

-SUGAR: Yeah.
-How do you feel?

-SUGAR: Not great.
-I-I feel terrible.

SUGAR: Okay, feel better.

-Here, paper towels.
-Thank you, thanks, Sug.

-RICHIE: Yo, Auntie D.
-DONNA: What?

RICHIE:
Uh, are we outta Sprite?

DONNA:
We don't have Sprite.

-RICHIE: We don't have Sprite?
-CARMY: Ma! Ma!

Cousin... I got it.
I got it. I got it.

DONNA:
Well, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't go to the store.

You're gonna go
to the store now?

-My timers are going off.
-Mom, I know.

-Carmen. I need you.
-CARMY: I know, I know.

No, no, I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna make it.
It's fine.

DONNA:
Oh, you're gonna make it.

-CARMY: Yeah.
-RICHIE: You're gonna
make Sprite?

CARMY: Yeah, I'm gonna
make f*ckin' Sprite, yeah.

Are you a f*ckin' pop machine?

Yeah, I'm a f*ckin' pop machine.

Hey, Ma,
are you sure you're good?

Listen, I know you keep thinking
like you wanna try to help.

Do you wanna just
make the whole dinner?

-SUGAR: I want to help you.
-How do you know how
to make a Sprite?

Just stop. Okay?
Just stop.

RICHIE:
How the f*ck do you know
how to make Sprite?

You know how he knows
how to make Sprite?

Because he's a big-time chef.

-Oh. Got it, got it.
-That's how.

-That's how I know.
-Somehow, I forgot.

Nattie, I appreciate you.
Thank you for asking.

-SUGAR: Okay.
-DONNA: Thank you.

-RICHIE: Yo, Auntie D.
-DONNA: What?

-Why the seven fishes?
-DONNA: Oh, my God.

What is up with everyone today?

I'm just trying to make
a nice f*ckin' thing.

I just mean why the f*ck
do people even do it?

Because it's based
on people who left Italy

to find new dreams
and homes with new people.

And they brought
their seven best things

from their sea
to their new homes,

and not so their families end up

being a bunch
of f*ckin' jagoffs.

-That's not even close.
-What's not even close?

Why do you come
in here talking sh*t?

I'm not talking sh*t.
I'm just saying,

her seven fishes legend
is not even close.

There are sevens
all over the Bible.

You get Sacraments, virtues,
days, guilt, probably.

You know,
making people feel like sh*t,

holding everything in
and then letting it out
inappropriately,

raging, pouting,
screaming, making scenes.

You know,
all the Italian classics.

Yo, you're
not even Italian, bro.

I know. Polski, baby.
Polski.

-I like your version better.
-Thanks.

Hey, Carmen, take out

the proscuit
and the mortadel, please.

Yeah, I got you.

Yo, Carm.

CARMY:
Yo? Here you go, Sprite.

-RICHIE: Sprite? Sprite. f*ck.
-CARMY: Sprite.

Why isn't somebody
listening to me?

-CARMY: What? I'm listening.
-No, no, no.

-Why is no one listening to me?
-CARMY: I'm listening. What?

-What? What?
-I said move the pot.

-When?
-DONNA: I said move the pot.

Right now? I'll move the pot.
You want me to move the pot?

-I said move the f*cking pot.
-CARMY: Okay! Alright!

Here, here. Here's the pot.

And it's f*ckin' moving.
And it's going right over here.

-Thank you.
-Okay? There you go.

-I'm sorry.
I just need a second.
-Thank you.

CARMY: I just need
to go look at this...

Thank you.

-MIKEY: One sec,
I gotta find Rich. Cousin!
CARMY: Jesus f*cking...

-Cousin!
-RICHIE: Yo.

-Did you tell him?
-What?

Did you fuckin tell him?

Wh-wh-wh-what? What?

-Oh, f*ck me! Dawg!
-Bro...

Merry f*ckin' Christmas, bro.

-What? What do you mean?
-Merry f*ckin' Christmas

Guys, don't f*ck
with me right now.

No one's f*ckin' with you.

What the f*ck?
Why would you think that?

'Cause you're always
f*ckin' with me,

that's why I fuckin think it.
What do you mean?

You're not gonna
f*cking believe who we just saw.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is a good thing.

This is a good thing.
Just listen.

-What do you mean?
-MIKEY: Don't be
a mopey little f*ck.

What? I'm not being
a mopey little f*ck.

Just take a break.
Take a break from being
a mopey little f*ck.

-We're trying to tell you...
-RICHIE: Shut your mouth.
Just listen.

We're trying to tell you
we ran into

the love of your f*cking life.

I don't have a love of my life.

-RICHIE: Just f*cking tell him.
-MIKEY: Claire bear.

-RICHIE: Claire bear!
-MIKEY: Claire bear.

-You saw Claire?
-We saw Claire bear!

That f*ckin' chubby little
genius down the street,
she's beautiful.

-The body is banging!
-Banging, yo. Banging.

RICHIE:
Yo, she is hot as balls.

-MIKEY:
Hot as f*ckin' balls, dude.
-Yo.

RICHIE: Oh, my God,
the glasses came off.

The m*therf*cking glasses
came off, G!

RICHIE: Like a librarian
in a f*ckin' p*rn.

She's all that
and a f*ckin' basket
of biscuits, bro.

And by the way, she's like,

she's like
a legitimate f*cking wizard.

-Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's true.
-MIKEY: She's like a wizard.

Tiffany used to babysit her.

-She's obsessed with science.
-What did you do?

-She's obsessed with science.
-She's in med school.

-She's in med school.
-What did you do?

-What did you do?
-We didn't do anything.

-CARMY: What do you mean?
-We just massaged the f*ckin'...

Bro, this is a
once-in-a-million opportunity

for you to score with a woman

that's stacked
physically and mentally.

Homie, you're having a child.
Like, what the f*ck?

Why are you talking like that?

It's not about me.

Carmen, what are you
talking about?

-It's done.
-Who asked you
to do that, though?

Who asked you to do that?
That's what I'm saying.

It's Christmas.
I f*ckin' put in a good word.

CARMY:
Nobody asked you to do that.

I told her about Napa,
about Copen...

I feel like
you're breaking my balls.
That's what you're doing.

I don't understand
why you always do that.

Like, why are you like this?

But she's hot now, Carm.
She's hot now.

-I'm just like...
-Stevie was with us.

Hey, Steven,
get the f*ck in here, please.

I don't need Steven
to come over here.

RICHIE: Hey, Steven,
get the f*ck in here.

-Would you please
tell him who we ran into?
-RICHIE: He doesn't believe us.

Oh, we saw Claire bear.

-Boom!
-RICHIE: You see?

STEVEN: On the weekends,
this woman teaches CPR

to differently abled
college kids.

Yeah, like, is that, like, Fak?

-Like Neil?
-MIKEY: You see?

-She's a deeply good person.
-MIKEY: Boom!

I can see why
you're in love with her.

I'm not in love
with her, though.

That's what I'm saying.

Where did you guys get this from

that I'm in love with her?

RICHIE: You used to have
all those drawings.

That's what I'm f*ckin'
talking about, though.

That's what
I'm f*cking talking about.

-STEVEN: May I say...
-That's what I'm saying.

That's why I think
you're f*cking with me.

You're
bringing up this thing

you used to give me
a f*cking hard time about it.

You used to give me
a f*cking hard time about it.

-Relax.
-No one's giving you...

Don't touch me.

STEVEN:
Your brother handled it.

-(timer ringing)
-I want to touch you.

-(overlapping chatter)
-Don't touch me.

Mikey, don't f*ckin' touch me.
I'm serious.

-I want to touch you.
-(ringing continues)

Don't f*cking touch me.
Mikey. Stop.

-DONNA: Hey!
-CARMY: Mikey!

-What the f*ck?
-RICHIE: Yo!

Auntie D, did you just
throw a spoon at me?

DONNA: Yeah, I did.
You, Richard, bring her the pop.

-Deedee--
-DONNA: Carmen, I need you.

-Can you just calm down?
-Ma, you gotta chill, Mom.

Ma, you gotta chill.

DONNA: No, no, no.
You cannot say that.

We're not done with
this Claire Bear thing.

You're f*ckin'
breaking my balls.

RICHIE:
No, I think, I think it's just
a big misunderstanding.

Carm... this is a good thing.

DONNA:
You, Carmen, come on.
I need help.

RICHIE:
Yo, Deedee, can you just
calm down a little...

DONNA:
Hey, no, you do not tell me...

IFF: Hi. -RICHIE: Hi.

TIFF: Hi.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

I'm good.

This room is so insane.

Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah.

Um, we're out of Sprite, but...

Carmy made this for you.

TIFF:
What do you mean
he made it for me?

RICHIE:
He made it for you.

He's like a g*dd*mn
pop machine, this guy.

He's a weird little dude.

(Richie laughs)

-Yo.
-Right?

Right?

What's up with him, though?

He's so, like...

I don't know.
He's a little... Yeah.

He's... weird.

We're, um...

We're trying to hook him up
with Claire bear,

you know,
loosen him up a little bit.

-With Claire?
-RICHIE: Yeah.

Why would you do that?
She's so nice.

Are you still mad at me?

No.

I threw up so many times,

I honestly forgot
what I was mad about.

You just puked
all that anger up?

Just got it all outta you?

I'll take it.

Hey, did you go
look at the place?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

What'd you think?

I think it's expensive.

But it's nice.

And schools are nice.

It's public school.

You can walk to school.

-Hi.
-Hey.

Hi.

-I had a dream.
-Mm-hmm.

That we only wore
green clothes.

They were our clothes,
but they were all green.

-RICHIE: Mm-hmm.
-And then the baby

only wore red clothes.

Like I went to the store and I
bought all these other colors

and I brought 'em back home
and then they were all red.

What do you think?

I think that's
pretty f*ckin' dope.

That's what I thought.

Do you think
that she'll like us?

I don't know.

I hope so.

-Yeah, me, too.
-We just gotta...

not be like our parents,
you know.

Well, you're not like a...

a psycho vampire...

TIFF: Alcoholic.

-...bitch, like...
No offense, but.
-Vindictive.

No. It's-it's accurate.

I'm actually here.

That's a start.

-Am I squishing you?
-No, no, it's good. It's good.

I like it.

You're so cute.

You're gonna be
such a cute dad.

I really don't wanna
throw up again.

You don't smell like barf.

That's good.

I like chugged Listerine.

(Richie sighs)

The upside of barf is that
you get some peace and quiet.

-That is true.
-(Richie sighs)

I get to be away from
all those psychos downstairs.

Do you think
Donna's gonna k*ll me

if I throw up on her robe?

-I don't think she'll notice.
-(Tiff chuckles)

I love you so much.

TIFF: I love you so much.

I have one quick question,
though, for you.

-RICHIE: Mm-hmm.
-Is that a leopard

or is it a cheetah
or is it a panther?

That's a leopard.

We're in Donna's bedroom.

-(growls)
-There's not gonna
be a f*ckin' cheetah.

(Richie laughs)

Alright, I gotta go back down.

Okay.

RICHIE:
I'll come back and check on you
in a few minutes.

-I love you so much.
-I love you.

RICHIE: Merry Christmas.

Merry f*ckin' Christmas.

(sighs)

DONNA:
f*ck! God-- f*ck!

-Hey, I got this. I got this.
-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-LEE: Yeah.
-DONNA: No, wait.

-LEE: Ugh, here. Let me help.
-DONNA: f*ck! Thanks.

Hey, did you get
that thing I sent you?

No. What'd you send me?

It's a building in Wilmette.

I'm gonna buy it,
I'm gonna lease it out.

-It's a piece of sh*t.
-(Donna laughs)

It's got, like, seven cracks

-in the foundation.
-Congratulations.

Yeah, but the thing is,
the guy doesn't have a realtor.

Hey, I thought if
you needed help again.
-Oh, no. No, no, no. No.

Yeah, but this could be
a chance for us to--

No, I don't need it.
I don't need it.

Thank you, though.
I appreciate it.
I got it handled.

-Okay, but everybody
wins, you know.
-MIKEY: Excuse me.

-DONNA: Yeah. Nobody wins.
-You make a deal,
I'll make a deal...

-We get to, you know,
do it together.
-DONNA: Oh, yeah.

-Yeah. Thanks, though.
-That's a good idea.

-Think about it, okay?
-DONNA: Okay.

So, guys, are we
really doing this again?

I'm just,
I'm cleaning up a mess here.

(Mikey sighs)

Yeah, you are a mess, Lee.

-DONNA:
Oh, you know what, Michael?
-What?

-That's not very nice. Michael.
-MIKEY: Is that not very nice?

What happened to the
Christmas spirit in this house?

-DONNA: I don't know.
-It's gone. I can't find it.

Yo. Yo, yo, yo. Oh.

(softly) Uncle J. Uncle J.

(whispering)
Why are we whispering?

(whispering)
Oh, I just wanted to talk to you

about that thing from earlier.

What thing from earlier?

The... the job.
The job thing.

(loudly)
Oh, the job from earlier!

Come on, don't be an assh*le.

Come on.
I'm-I'm being real with you.

Oh. Okay. In that case,
I gotta put on my real face.

-Jimmy.
-CICERO: What did I say earlier?

You said we'd
talk about it later.

And now it's later.

Very good. So sh**t.

Alright.

I'm about to have this kid.

I don't wanna be
wrapping up sandwiches

for the rest of my life.

You know, I don't wanna
be going home

with my hands covered in grease,

trying to change
diapers and stuff. I...

You're, um, someone
with a lot going on.

You could probably
use some help.

I've been looking...

there's not much
going on out there.

You know?

You're somebody...
that knows something.

And...

(whispering)
I don't wanna be
at The Beef every day.

That makes sense, right?

I feel like
I'm wasting potential.

What kinda potential?

I don't know. Uh...
I'm good with people.

I'm... Uh, I don't really have
an outlet for that, though.

And I've never had a mentor.
I never had an uncle--

Oh, and I'm neither
of those things.

Yeah, but you understand
what I'm saying, though, right?

-No, I do not.
-RICHIE: I am not
asking you for money.

I wanna learn.

If you teach me, I will learn.

And you can trust me.

You want me to,
you want me to teach you things?

Yeah.

Yeah. You know, business stuff.

Oh. Ohh.

Oh, you want a job.

I get it. I get it now.
I'm reading you.

Will you think about it?

Maybe.

You're a good kid.

Merry Christmas, Unc.

CICERO:
You too, fuckface.

-Yeah... I got--
-Spray the other way.

Neil, I got allergies, man.

-(blows raspberry)
-Chanel.

Did your daddy buy you
these matching outfits?

-FAK: Yeah.
-Yeah?

TED:
Big Neil got 'em for us.

Yeah. Kohl's Cash.

-Kohl's Cash.
-TED: You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I do know
what you're saying.

Oh, yeah.

-MICHELLE:
Is your sister coming?
-No.

TED: Francie's not allowed.

-No. Yeah.
-Why?

-FAK: 'Cause... 'Cause Nat.
-Oh.

-FAK: She's mad as hell.
-Oh.

-FAK: She's angry.
-'Cause of the thing.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Still, huh?

Still.

-Like...
-(both growling)

Yeah.

-Uh...
-Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. That's really hard.

-Yeah.
-TED: Yeah.

Francie's a fuckface, though.

-Totally.
-I mean, absolutely.

Just like a total fuckface.

-Oh, yeah. All the way.
-Totally.

She's nice, though,
but, she's...

-Not nice.
-No. No.

The worst.

Bad. Yeah.

Is New York City the best?

Ohh, it's the best.

(exhales) You know,
it's just like you're alive.

And then you come here and
you're dead, you know, it's...

Oh.

Do you think Donna's
gonna do something crazy?

(scoffs) Abs...

Yeah.

-Yeah.
-TED: Yeah. Do you?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

♪ Oh, there's
a little white duck ♪

♪ Sitting in the water ♪

♪ A little white duck ♪

♪ Doing what he oughta ♪

♪ He took a bite ♪

(laughing) Oh.

♪ He flapped his wings ♪

-Ma, can I help, please?
-DONNA: Hmm? Mm-mmm.

-SUGAR: Can I take--
-No, honey.

I don't wanna have to
explain to everyone

why I call you Sugar again.

Everybody knows why already.

CICERO:
I-I actually don't know why.

I've never heard that story.

DONNA: Do you know
what's really f*cking crazy?

Is when you're trying to cook

and people just,
they pour into the kitchen.

You know,
it's f*ckin' boiling in here.

CICERO: Is this
a passive-aggressive way...

-Oh.
...of you asking me to leave?

No, no, no, no, no.
It is an aggressive...

aggressive way of asking
you to go scratch.

-Scratch.
-Do you know
how f*ckin' hot you are

when you're slurring your words?

Oh, my God,
it's like f*ckin' musk.

I... By the way,
I do not know the story.

-DONNA: Oh, because
she added a cup of sugar...
-I added a cup of sugar

-instead of a cup of salt.
-...instead of a cup of salt.

And then the gravy tasted
like f*cking Hawaiian Punch.

I'm so glad
we had this time together.
Now I know.

(ringing)

DONNA: Oh, f*ck.
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

-CARMY: What? What? What? What?
-It's okay.

DONNA: Um... Oh, did you
get Tiff those saltines?

-No. Okay. Alright.
-DONNA: Get them for her.

I don't remember
what that was for.

DONNA: Oh, yes!

Sugar, you have to
remember to remind me...

-What do I have to remember?
-...that the bread isn't...

No, no, it wasn't the bread.

-(ringing)
-It was the peppers.

The peppers.
Right. The peppers.

-Sugar?
-Yeah.

You're gonna have to remind me
to put the bread in.

-SUGAR: Okay.
-Right before dinner.

-I will do that. Yeah.
-DONNA: Okay?

-Okay.
-Don't worry.

DONNA: Because the peppers
are cooking.

And sh*t.
The potatoes...

The potatoes are gonna go in
just to warm up again.

Okay, be careful.

-DONNA: Okay?
-Don't burn yourself.

(Fak speaks indistinctly)

-(Fak clears throat)
-Did I win?

-No, no, explain it to him.
-Absolutely not.

-Explain it to him.
-Let me just tell you
how it goes.

You take... Okay, pick a number
one through six again.

-Five.
-Five. Five. Take five.

You got ten dice here, okay?

You roll it times
in hopes to get five times.

-See, that's where you're wrong.
-No, I'm not wrong.

Yeah, you are.
You take the ten dice and
the first person to get wins.

No. I taught you
how to play the game.

-You didn't teach me how to--
-TED: Yes, I did.

-FAK: No, Cousin Gary did.
-TED: Yes, I did.

-No, he didn't.
-He used to take me to the club

-with the hot girls and--
-Cousin Gary doesn't do sh*t.

You've never seen a hot girl
in your life.

Alright, listen, Steven.

You got bucks on you?

FAK: Do you like baseball cards?

May I take those one at a time?

-FAK: Go ahead.
-I...

Do I have access to bucks?
I-I absolutely do.

-Great. That's perfect.
-I'm a -year-old man.

-That's great.
-Good, good.

I am indifferent
to baseball cards.

-Well, listen,
baseball cards are back.
-That's okay. That's okay.

-That's okay.
-Yeah, we're just,
we're just buying,

we're buying boxes
of baseball cards.

-A lot of boxes of cards.
-And-and we're flipping 'em.

-FAK: And there's
one box on eBay.
-Baseball cards are back?

-FAK: My alerts are going off...
-TED: Baseball cards are back.

-So they're valuable right now?
-TED: They're valuable
right now.

-STEVEN: Okay.
-$ ...

-STEVEN: Yeah?
-...can make you...

-fifteen hundred dollars.
-Fifteen hundred bucks.

-STEVEN: Triple my money?
-Yeah.

-Within six...
-FAK: A couple, a couple months.

Cicero's already in.

-He gave us his drink.
-In on what?

ROI on RBIs.

That's kind of our,
that's kind of our,
that's the business.

Do you know what?
I'm going to give you the $ .

-Hold on. Hold on.
-FAK: Mm-hmm.

Because whatever
you do with that

is going to be
very interesting to me.

-FAK: Yeah.
-And I, all I ask...

-Yeah. Yeah.
-STEVEN: Okay?

...one of you has to get
in touch with me weekly.

-FAK: Okay.
-TED: We're making money.

I wanna hear
when you open the boxes

and when you go
through the cards,

-I wanna hear
what's-what's in it...
-FAK: Inventory. Inventory.

STEVEN:
...and more importantly,
what's maybe not in it.

I actually... My dad
had a Roberto Clemente

from... from
the Pittsburgh Pirates?

-TED: Of course.
-A rookie card.

But Michelle and I,
we tossed it when we moved.

-What are you, f*ckin' stupid?
-FAK: That's the stupidest thing

-you've ever done.
-STEVEN: It was behind glass.

Do you know what you could
get for that right now? $ .

$ , ?

FAK AND TED: $ .

-You f*ck...
-I'm really... I like
seeing you guys every year.

You f*ckin' deliver.

FAK: What is that,
a bowling shirt?

♪ Sitting in the water ♪

(sighs)

DONNA: Carm,
where the f*ck are my saltines?

CARMY: Yeah, I got it, Ma.
I got it. I got it.

-Yo.
-MIKEY: Oh sh*t, sorry,
Carmy. I'm in your way.

-Sorry.
-Yeah, yeah.

Can I just...
I gotta get the saltines.

MIKEY: Saltines?

You're kinda acting like
a saltine, you know that?

-Why?
-I'm not a saltine.

Why? You're acting
like a saltine. Why?

Why? Why?
What's going on with you?

I know there's something.
Just tell me.

-(sighs deeply)
-Come on, Carm,
I'm right here.

What's going on?
I gotta drag it outta you?

-What is going on? What?
-I just... Yo.

I just, I thought,
I thought when I was back,

I could work with you, alright?
At the spot.

We could talk about the shop,

'cause I've been
learning a lot of sh*t,

and, I don't know,
I feel like I got some ideas.

Yeah, but... (stammers)

The place is no good, Carmy.

It's-it's a f*cking nightmare.

-Like, trust me,
I'm doing you a favor.
-Yo.

And I'd love to hear your ideas.
I would.

I-I-I wanna hear
about you, I do.

Also I don't need
you f*ckin'...

I don't need you
talking to Claire

and acting all nice if you
don't actually give a f*ck.

You know?

Wh-what?

What are you talking about
I-I don't give a f*ck?

Why would you say that to me?

Carmy, I give like a...

I give like a huge f*ck.

-Yeah?
-Yeah. f*ck, yeah.

-(timer ringing)
-DONNA: God f*cking dammit!

I mean, I give... I-I...

I give like the biggest f*ck.

-Alright.
-Alright?

Okay.

Yeah.

Hey, don't...

I um, I got you...

I got, uh, it's stupid.
I got you...

-What?
-Actually, I got you something.

-Can I give it to you?
-What, you got me a present?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got you a present.
Just one second.

Alright.

Whoa.

-Yo.
-What's this?

Wait, before I, uh...

why don't you give me, like,

like, three things
about Copenhagen, man?

Tell me.

I don't know. Uh...

MIKEY: Anything.

It's the most beautiful place
I've ever seen.

MIKEY: Yeah.

Uh...

I slept on a boat.

And, uh...

I fed an invisible cat.

MIKEY: Hmm.

Well, Carm...

that's a home run.

Yeah. Out of the park.

MIKEY: Out of the park.

Alright, go ahead.
Go ahead, go ahead.

MIKEY: What is this?

Oh, Carmy, that's a...

It's like, it's like
a little bit rough,

but I don't know,
it's something--

No, man, that's...

It's beautiful. That's...

That's perfect.

Yeah, Mike, we could, um...

We could do this, you know.

Yeah.

-CARMY: Yeah.
-Yeah.

Yeah, let it rip.

Yeah, let it rip.

Yeah, Carm.

DONNA:
Carm, where the f*ck
are the saltines?

-I gotta get the thing.
-MIKEY: Okay.

Alright.

(Carmy clears throat)

(cutlery clattering)

(indistinct conversations)

Alright.

(timer ringing)

("Dominick the Donkey"
by Lou Monte playing)

Alright. Neil, you go.

Solo. Go.

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

Yeah!

Alright, Ted, you go. Solo.

♪ ...his Paesans
with Dominick he'll be ♪

♪ Because the reindeer cannot
climb the hills of Italy ♪

♪ Hey, jing-a-di-jing ♪

Now together, yeah.

♪ It's Dominick the donkey,
jing-a-di-jing ♪

MICHELLE: You understand
what I'm telling you though?

-STEVEN: Yes. Okay.
The woman says what to you?
-MICHELLE: Okay?

And then she said again.

"What is your last name?"

And I'm like,
"f*cking Berzatto."

"“Oh marone! Berzatto!"”

B-E-R-Z-A-T-T-O.

"O."

You're an assh*le.

And then she's,
and then she's like,

"I bet you know
a lot about bears."

God damn her for thinking
that you know about bears.

Yeah. Damn her.

And how did
that incredibly deep,

incredibly penetrating insult
make you feel?

-Like I was gonna
roll that bitch.
-Yeah, roll that bitch.

Okay, now I feel like you're
missing some details here.

You want... Okay.
You wanted to fight this woman?

So were you being
an assh*le maybe?

What do you mean?

Well, you just said
that you wanted to fight her,

so I asked if perhaps
it was you that was the assh*le.

Um, are you listening?
Hello? I am not the assh*le.

-She's the assh*le?
-That is a fact.

And you go around
rolling assholes.

That is also a fact.

Okay, I'm caught up.

Okay. Anyway,
so-so she says to me,

She finally says to me,
"My friend who passed away--"

-FAK: Sorry for your loss.
-It's not her friend.

MICHELLE: You don't
have to apologize to me, dude.

I don't know this f*cking woman.

-This woman was, like, annoying.
-RICHIE: Pay attention, Neil.
Pay attention.

Why don't you listen
to my story?

He's gotten to know her so well.
This story is taking so long.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

The point is,
she finally says to me,

"I have a friend
who passed away.

"She was a biologist,
and she studied bears.

"And did you know that bears
are kind and-and sensitive

"and devoted and also, um,
altruistic and empathetic

"and-and very commonly known
to be adept at grieving?

-Is this true?
-How the f*ck
would I possibly know?

I-I couldn't tell
if this bitch was trying
to f*ck with me or not.

Did you say to her, just be kind
and empathetic like a bear?

-Yes, I did.
-RICHIE: That all
does check out.

I share a lot
of those traits actually.

Also, it is important to note

that bears are incredibly,
incredibly aggressive.

And how were you
related to them again?

-Through friendship.
-TED: Yeah.

-Like us.
-Not like you.

FAK: Yeah. We're related
through friendship.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I was hiking once
in Northern California,

and I saw a bear run up
a tree so g*dd*mn fast,

and I did not like it at all.

When were you in
Northern California?

Um, most of my life
before we met?

And very weird that you are now

acting like I never told you
I'm from California.

What's super weird is that

you just said
Northern California.

That was weird how I said it.

I thought it sounded elegant.

-Super elegant.
-TED: Yeah.

Carmel-by-the-Sea,
looking at--

Bing-bong.
What you guys talking about?

STEVEN: Bears.

Oh! ? ? ?

-Where are we at?
-No, the animal.

Oh, Mongo. Hey.

-What up, pimp?
- career tackles.

-Get some.
-TED: Get some. Take us there.

STEVEN:
A... a real bear.

-Take us there.
-Thank you, sir.

LEE:
Yeah. Steve McMichael.

Yeah. The man.

MICHELLE: We are talking
about an actual animal,

not a baseball player.

Oh, God.

These holidays are exhausting.

-(cutlery clattering)
-(indistinct yelling)

-DONNA: Okay. Oh, f*ck!
-What the hell was that?

Yeah, it's just some
crazy person yelling "f*ck."

-I'm gonna go
lend Auntie D a hand.
-ALL: No, no, no, no, no.

-LEE: Let him, let him.
-TED: Do not do that.

Go ahead, there's a garlic bulb
and a cross by the door.

Just don't make eye contact.

-Be careful.
-I'm sure she could use

an extra pair of hands
in there. Excuse me.

-Steven. Steven.
-(overlapping chatter)

There he goes. Don't get
your hand near her mouth.

MICHELLE:
This is a bad idea.

-It's gonna go well.
-MICHELLE: I don't think so.

♪ I want you ♪

♪ I want you right now ♪

(vocalizing)

(ringing)

SUGAR: That looks good.

-DONNA: Oh, f*cking sh*t!
-Okay, okay, okay.

-DONNA: f*ck!
-It's okay, Ma. I got it.
I got it. I got it.

-It's like I f*ckin' have to do
everything for everyone.
-SUGAR: No, no, no.

No one f*cking
lifts a finger to help me.

Look, I'm getting it right now.

Can you just go upstairs
and get Dad's g*n
out of my drawer,

and I think I'm just gonna
blow my f*ckin' brains out,

and then you guys
can make dinner,

because I don't think
anyone would f*ckin' miss me.

-No, no, Ma, Ma, you're good.
-Yes, you can finish dinner.

-You're good. You're okay!
-DONNA: You won't even miss me.

-You're okay! You're okay!
-DONNA: You won't even--

-Hey, Donna, Aunt D do you--
-Oh, m*therf*cking assh*le!

-f*ck! f*ck!
-Out, out.

-f*ck! Come on!
-SUGAR: Okay.

-DONNA: Get the f*ck out!
-Yeah. Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna take this out.

(ringing)

I'm gonna take this out.

-Natalie?
-Yeah.

You okay?

Will... Will you hug me?

Yeah, of course.

(indistinct conversations)

(sighs deeply)

(sniffles)

They won't fuckin miss me.

Things are like, you know,

really starting to
spiral out of f*cking control.

Oh, we are past
the point of no return.

It's not good, you know.

(stammers) And now it's like
the next morning, right?

And we're like,
f*cking rocked. Rocked!

Like, I look over at him
and I'm like...

Well, Jesus f*cking Christ, man.
I'm like...

Because I'm looking at you
and I don't even recognize you.

MIKEY: It's like a monster.

(growling)

(overlapping chatter)
-RICHIE: I'm like, Michael?

Yeah, because you look
like a f*cking monster, bro.

I was like, "Mikey?"
I couldn't even tell if it was--

(imitating Richie crying)
"Mikey, where are we?"

RICHIE: That's... That's not...
That's not exactly...

-That's not exactly right.
-Scared as sh*t. He was!

-That's exactly right.
-RICHIE:
That's not exactly true.

-MIKEY: We didn't know
where the f*ck we were.
-FAK: Well, you were rocked.

We're in a foreign land.
You know what I mean?

And it's like, you know,
you can't read sh*t

because it's all, like,
a different f*cking alphabet.

You can't f*cking,
like, understand sh*t.

We just know we gotta get
to a f*cking ATM, you know.

We've heard this story
a million times.

-I'm sorry?
-The story.

-Yeah, what?
-We've heard it a million times.

No, Lee, like, you have.

-And cousin has.
-I haven't.

-I have, but I like it.
-It's a good story.

Yeah, Lee,
chill out or f*ck off.

-Keep going.
-Let us tell the f*cking story.

Anyways, we have to find an ATM.

LEE: No no no,
I'll finish it. I'll finish it.

You sold the car,
and then at the end,

you find the horse.

Good for you, Lee,
that's... that's great.

You're like a real,
genuine f*cking assh*le.

Because-because
I cut off the story that

you've told a million times?

Why don't you finish
a business plan?

Alright, that's enough.

Where's the tomato sauce
prospectus, Michael?

-Where's the frozen pizza plan?
-MICHELLE:
Come on, you're veering.

That's, uh, that's enough.

It's okay.

-Hi, Unc.
-CICERO: Hey, honey.

f*ck's going on in here?

This jagoff's talkin' sh*t.

-Yeah? Which jagoff?
-This jagoff.

CICERO: What about, jagoff?

That is, I guess about
how I, like, don't finish sh*t.

Not stories. He finishes
those over and over.

Mikey, I mean, come on.

-MIKEY: Perfect.
-PETE: Ho, ho, ho!

We got a tuna casserole delivery

from the North Pole here.

-Speaking of jagoffs.
-STEVEN: Hey.

PETE:
Mikey, what is up, bro?

You know
it's seven fishes, right, Pete?

Yeah, I know.
That's why I brought this.

That's the eighth fish, bro.

Oh, what,
we can't have one more?

LEE: That makes
absolutely no sense.

I mean, I can't even
figure the logic of that.

What?

You're so f*cked.

Uh... 'Sup, Steve?

Hey, Pete,
thanks for bringing fish.

-PETE: Yeah, thanks.
-CARMY: (claps) Hey, family.

Come on, let's sit.
Okay, dinner's ready, alright.

-Hey, no way, Carmy!
-Hey.

-What's up, brother?
-Hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is that? What is that?

-Don't tell him.
-MIKEY: What do you mean
don't tell him?

It's nothing. It's nothing.

Steve? Steve? Stevie?
What is that? What is it?

You're gonna be upset,
but his heart was
in the right place, Carm.

-It's a tuna casserole.
-What--

-It's seven fishes. Pete.
-PETE: I know.

-They didn't communicate--
-CARMY: This would
make eight fishes.

That-that would
make us assholes, right?

I already told him that.

-MICHELLE: Swing and a miss.
-Why are you doing this to me?

-PETE: Okay. I--
-Just don't let her
f*ckin' see it.

-I--
-Don't let her f*cking see it.

I didn't know because...

What's up, bro?

-Hey, Rich.
-Hey.

-I'm so happy to see you.
-Hey, there's my girl.

Oh, my God.

-Merry Christmas.
-What the f*ck is that?

-Um...
-No. Pete.

Pete, I told you
not to f*cking do this.

I know, but... Well, I can't
show up empty-handed.

SUGAR: Ugh, it stinks.

f*ck!

Well, merry Christmas, guys.

Maybe somewhere.

I understand you were
just trying to be nice.

Thanks, Steve.

Good lights in
the neighborhood this year.

LEE: Same as last year.

PETE: No, there's more
this year. I noticed--

LEE:
Really, you counted 'em?

Do the Andersons still live
on the corner there?

-They're doing it up.
-They d*ed.

You knock on every door?

Okay.

Is the bathroom
still right here?

Yep. It's over there.

-MICHELLE: Hey.
-Hey.

MICHELLE: How you doing?

-Yeah, you know...
-You okay?

I've been wanting
to talk to you.

You've been
running around like crazy.

CARMY:
Yeah, it's a lot, so...

Yeah, it's a lot.

CARMY: Yeah.

I have this idea

and I just wonder
if maybe you'd be open to it.

-What's up?
-MICHELLE:
Like for your own good.

What is it? What is it?

You wanna come stay with me

for, like, a couple of days
in New York?

Just like...

get the f*ck outta here?

-Yeah.
-MICHELLE: You know.

I think it's really
important for you to

keep your head in the game,
you know.

Stay focused. Keep your eye
on the motherfuckin' prize.

Yeah. No, I hear you. Um...

Yeah, no, I'd like that.

I'm gonna kinda
hold you to it, Carm.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

This is, um, this isn't
good for your head.

It's not good
for anyone's head,

but it's really
not good for yours.

-Yeah, I know, I know.
-Yeah, so...

But you know, what are you
supposed to do? You know?

You gotta get outta here.

That's what you gotta do.

You just come stay with me
any time you want.

I got a couple of restaurants.

I mean, I'm an idiot
about this sh*t,

but I think they're very good.

-You like 'em? Yeah.
-I do.

And then that way
you can just, like, decompress.

-Okay?
-Okay.

I see what happens here,
you know,

and I can see
how it gets in your head.

-Yeah.
-And I don't want that for you.

-Okay. Thank you.
-MICHELLE: Okay?

-Yeah.
-So you're gonna come?
Stay with me?

I'll try.

Thank you.

Keep going.

I hear you.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-MICHELLE: Love you.
-Alright, you too.

RICHIE: Oh wow. Nice.

TIFF: Just keeps goin'.

RICHIE:
Table looks great, D.

What do you want?
Where should we?

-RICHIE: Hey, we're over there.
-TIFF: Okay, cool.

f*ck me with a stick.

-RICHIE: Scooch forward.
-Okay.

Oh. You're sweet.

Thank you for that.

Okay.

CICERO:
You feeling better, hon?

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Unc.

I think a banana is about

all I can handle right now.

Maybe about
all I can handle, too.

I sense this getting dark.

-God, you got that feeling?
-CICERO: Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, I got that feeling.

I'm right there with you, Unc.

We lit.
This Christmas is lit.

You ever have
a chocolate-covered
banana, Tiff?

Yeah, of course I have.

You know, the drive
out here we actually, uh,

we passed the stand

my dad used to
take me to get 'em.

I swear to God, I can
smell 'em, you know, and him.

-TIFF: (chuckles softly) Hmm.
-It's weird, right?

We remember smells.
Cologne, you know.

Anyway, it's kinda been,
uh, sitting with me, you know,

-sitting on my chest.
-TIFF: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And all of a sudden,
after all these years,

I'm missing that fat f*ck.

Anyway, and here you are,
you're eating a banana.

-Anyways, kinda funny.
-Well...

Funny that
it's the holidays, too.

-You know.
-CICERO: Hmm.

All comes back up,
doesn't it?

It sure does come back up.

-CICERO: Oh, boy.
-Oh.

-CICERO: Oh, I get it.
-(Tiff laughs)

-That's clever.
-Is it clever or gross?

-(indistinct chatter)
-(laughter)

(indistinct chatter)

-Do you mind sitting
at the kiddie table?
-I don't mind at all.

MICHELLE:
You can sit at the kiddie table.

-I would prefer to sit
at the kiddie table.
-(laughter)

Who wants wine?
Want some wine?

FAK:
...understand the market.

MICHELLE:
It has a lovely bouquet.

I like your shirt,
it looks good.

He looks like Clark Kent
in his glasses.

(indistinct conversations)

Oh. Oh, I'm such an assh*le.
I wanted to say thank you.

-What for, darling?
-Oh, for giving Richie a chance.

Oh, what? No, no, no. Wh...

-Uh, babe. Um...
-TIFF: What? Wh...

-You're embarrassed to say it?
-RICHIE: No, no, no, no.

-I can't talk about it?
-It's just not
public information yet.

-Just wanted to say thank you.
-We're just...

-What's not public information?
-RICHIE: Uh...

You know, Tiff and I
were talking earlier,

and I was just letting her know
a little bit about how--

What's not public information?

-Just how like when we...
-CICERO: Richard.

Richard, shut the f*ck up.

Richard,
I'm talking to Tiffany.

I know, but we were
just saying, like, um...

CICERO:
Richard... shut up.

I'm having a conversation
with your wife.

-Tiffany, what were
you saying, my dear?
-Wh... Yeah.

I don't know what the f*ck
is going on here,

'cause I was just
gonna thank you

for giving Richie a job.

See, that's not entirely...

-TIFF: It's not true?
-RICHIE: No.

Is that not
what's happening here?

-RICHIE: It's not not true.
-TIFF: He told me that...

Un-f*cking-believable.

-He told you I gave him a job?
-Yeah, he told me he...

Yeah, he told me
that you gave him a job.

CICERO: Okay, look.

Here's the truth, alright?

I mean, you know,
I'm a big fan of this guy.

I believe in him. I do.

Which is precisely why
I gave him a f*cking job.

Right?

Thing is, I just wanna
keep a lid on it for now

because I don't want
every jagoff in all of the land

to know that I have
all these jobs to give out,

which I don't.

Alright?

Right, Richard?

-Yeah.
-I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

-I didn't know I wasn't
supposed to say anything.
-No, no.

My darling, how could you know?

TIFF: And I promise you,
I will not say,

I will not say a word
until you say that it's okay.

But I just wanna say
thank you so much

'cause we really
appreciate you.

And I appreciate you, too.

The both of you.

(indistinct chatter)

(mouths) Thank you.

TIFF: Oh, yeah.

Like, do I have to wait?
Can I pick?

CARMY:
She'll be out in a minute.

She'll be out in a minute,
I think.

-MICHELLE: Can I pick?
-Yeah, yeah.

Do you care?

CAROL: Go for it.

MICHELLE:
Don't we have
to say grace?

-CARMY: Yeah, she'll, she'll be,
she'll just be a minute.
-Yeah.

(sniffles sharply)

(sighs)

-(sniffles)
-CARMY: What's up, Ma?

(coughs)

I'm fine.

I'm good.

CARMY: Hey.

(Carmy clears throat)

Everybody's sitting down now.

You know,
everything looks so beautiful.

I don't think I can
do this by myself anymore.

You're not
by yourself, alright?

I'm right here with you.

DONNA:
Well, yeah, now, but...

Nobody out there
gives a sh*t about me.

CARMY: That's not true.

That's not true.
We all love you so much.

(indistinct conversations)

I had to beg you to come home.

I'm happy to be here.

Okay?

I am. Mom, I'm really
happy to see you.

Hey. Really.

Okay?

-(cries) Okay.
-CARMY: Okay.

-(sniffles)
-Okay. It's okay.

I just, I worked
all day for them.

-I worked all day.
-I know. I know.

Everybody-everybody
really appreciates it, too.

DONNA:
It's just f*cking hard.

CARMY: (sighs)
Why, um...

What's hard? What's hard, Mom?
What is it?

I make things
beautiful for them...

and...

no one makes things
beautiful for me.

Okay. Um...

Look, I'm gonna go, uh,

I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna sit down now.

Why don't you give me
your hand and we'll go sit?

-We'll go sit.
-No. Okay.

CARMY:
Come on, Mom. Come on.

I'll go in a minute.

CARMY: Alright.
Well, I'll just wait.

-I'll wait for you.
-Okay, Michael.

I'll be there in a minute.

I said go.

CARMY: Okay. Um...

-I said go.
-CARMY: Are you good?

I'm good. Go. Go sit.

How about I just wait with you?
I'll wait.

Why are you treating me
like a child?

CARMY: I'm not, I'm not
treating you like a child, Mom.

I'm not.

Do we have a problem?

Do we, do we have a problem?

DONNA:
Do we have a problem...

Carmen Anthony Berzatto?

Do we have a problem?

No.

DONNA: Good.

CARMY: Oh. Mom.

It's okay. It's okay.

-(Donna crying)
-It's okay. It's okay.

-It's okay, okay?
-(kisses)

It's okay.

DONNA: Go sit down.

-Go sit down.
-Alright.

♪ We did last summer ♪

♪ I'll remember ♪

♪ All winter long ♪

(vocalizing)

(sniffles sharply)

MIKEY: Hey, uh, Tiff.

A little, um a little
something came up, huh?

A little bit
more than something.

-MIKEY: Oh, boy.
-TIFF: Yeah.

-You feeling okay?
-I'm good.

-MIKEY: Yeah? Good.
-How are you?

-Good.
-MICHELLE: Hey, Mikey.

-Yeah?
-You wanna say grace?

MIKEY:
I don't know, cousin.

Is this m*therf*cker
gonna cut me off?

(clears throat) It depends.

Uh, is it a grace we've
heard a million times before?

-CICERO: Okay. Okay.
-Oh, wow.

Uh, Steven, would you like
to say grace, my friend?

-MICHELLE: Oh.
-Can I please not?

-MICHELLE: You don't want to?
-I don't.

-Okay.
-I mean...

Okay, so then I'm going to ask

the same question
I ask every year,

which is, what the hell is
the point of the seven fishes?

-I don't get it.
-Oh, I know the answer.

Well, it's biblical, okay?
There's seven fishes.

And uh,
also by the manger, right,

there's a Dutch oven of potatoes

that b*rned the living sh*t
out of me earlier.

-(buzzes)
-CARMY: Oh.

Did you just throw a fork at me?

I did.

See that's the thing,
Lee, see, 'cause...

you see what you did, right?

You, you already did that.

You remember you already
bitched about the Dutch oven?

-You see, you did that before.
-Michael.

-What are you doing, Michael?
-MIKEY: He started it. Uncle J.

-Mike, just--
-Don't throw f*ckin' forks
at people.

(mocking Lee)
Don't throw forks...
Don't-don't-don't...

LEE: Yeah, don't throw
forks at people.

MIKEY: Don't-don't-don't.

-Don't-don't-don't...
-It's a rule.

It's a rule? It's a rule?

Hey, Fak. You using your fork?

Yeah, I-I-I need it, Mike.

I need it.

Ple... Mikey.

-MIKEY: Yeah?
-FAK: Yeah.

-MIKEY: I just,
I need to borrow it.
-Please. Please.

MIKEY: I just need
to borrow it for one second.

-FAK: Please.
-CICERO: Michael.

I'm just gonna borrow it
for a second.

-I just need it for one second.
-FAK: Mikey. Come on, dude.

-CARMY: Yo.
-BOTH: Michael.

I threw the fork, Lee.

-STEVEN: Michael.
-MIKEY: See what I did?

-I threw the fork.
-TIFF: Michael.

-MIKEY: Tiff. Tiff. Shh.
-Please.

Cousin, you're
scaring the normals.

MIKEY:
This is fine. This is nothing.

This is... It's nothing.

Hey, Mikey,
can you hear me, buddy?

Not right now, Stevie.

-RICHIE: Cut it out.
-LEE: Rich.

MIKEY: Hey, look,
here's the thing.

You see, I can throw forks

'cause this is
our father's house.

-Mike.
-Rich.

-Lee?
-My father's house.

We have lift-off.

LEE: Okay, you got
everyone's attention,

so go ahead, tell us a story

we've all heard
a million times already.

-That's good, Lee.
-LEE: Yeah.

Tell a story about how
you're living with your mom

and you're borrowing money
off of her and any other sucker

who'll listen to your bullshit.

Lee, shut the f*ck up.

You're one of
the suckers, Jimmy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I've told him.

I told him not to listen to you.
I told him not to help.

I told him to tell you
to go scratch.

Thanks a whole
f*cking lot, buddy.

You come back next year, okay?

-Motherfuck.
-Ssh, ssh, ssh. Unc, it's fine.

-LEE: Yeah, it's fine.
-It's just totally fine.

It's fine. It's fine.

Because this guy's nothing
and he's nobody.

And I know you're-you're
scared and you're afraid,
aren't you, Michael?

And, Michael,
I don't know what,
what the f*ck you're on,

but whatever it is, if you
can hear me through the fog,

throw another fork at me,

you're gonna get
f*ckin' rocked.

Hey, Petey.

I just, I...

You think I could
just, like, borrow that
for one second? I just...

-MICHELLE: Michael! Hey!
Come on. Mike, come on.
Please.

-SUGAR: Michael!
-CARMY: Mike.

CICERO: Michael.
Put the f*cking fork down.

-Michael. Michael. Michael.
-CICERO: Put it down.

Please don't do this.

Michael! Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

I love you.

Okay?

I love you, too, Sug.

SUGAR: I'm begging you.

(whispers)
Don't do it.

STEVEN: (giggles) I'm sorry.
I giggle when I get nervous.

MIKEY: No, no, no. Steve,
do not apologize for that.

You f*cking giggle.
f*cking giggle.

f*cking enjoy this.
This is fun!

-Michael, I need you
to calm down, buddy, alright?
-CARMY: Mike!

CICERO: There's
other people at the table.

I need you to calm down.

You're being
a bit of an assh*le.

Thank you, Uncle J.
I'm fine.

That is the familial support
I was looking for.

Yeah, well, you're being
a f*ckin' assh*le, too.

Thank you for that too, Uncle J.

Go ahead.

-Let's go.
-Where do you wanna go, Lee?

-LEE: f*ckin' throw it.
-Yeah?

Yeah, throw it or put it down.

(Mikey laughs)

Yeah, come on.

MIKEY: Well, Lee,
you look like you bite.

You bite, Lee,
is that what you do?

-MICHELLE: Oh, my God.
-CICERO: For f*ck's sake.

Your mother's been
working for f*cking days

making this meal.

Have some respect.

There's other people
on this f*cking table.

-Mike, stop!
-Shut the f*ck up!

Throw the f*ckin' fork!

-Here you go.
-CARMY: Sit down. Sit down!

MIKEY:
Oh, would you look at that?

I didn't throw it.
I didn't throw it,
you f*ckin' p*ssy!

You f*ckin' flinched! Look!

You did it again,
you f*ckin' p*ssy!

Throw it.

I'm not on anything.
I flinch.

I still-- my brain's
connected to my nerves.

You monster.

MIKEY:
Yeah, I'm a monster, Lee.

You're a f*ckin' monster.

-Nobody wants you here.
-LEE: You loser.

MIKEY: Nobody
f*cking wants you here.

LEE:
You loser f*ckin' monster.

Nobody f*ckin' wants you here

with your big f*ckin' mouth.

With your big f*ckin' mouth!

-LEE: f*ckin' throw it.
-MIKEY: Yeah?

Go ahead, f*ckin' throw it,
you f*cking animal.

(braying) Yeah?

Yeah. Make it about you.
Make Christmas about you.

-(screeching)
-If you're such a tough guy,

throw the f*cking fork.

You're nothing.

You're nothing.

You're nothing.

You are nothing.

You're nothing.

You are nothing.

You're nothing.

-CICERO: Oh, there she is.
-(clapping)

-Merry Christmas.
-RICHIE: Merry Christmas,
Auntie Dee.

DONNA: What did I miss?

(Donna laughing)

-What'd I miss?
-LEE: Nothing.

-I missed something.
-MIKEY: No, no, no.

-CICERO: Come on.
-DONNA: Oh, thank you.

Uh, Stevie, Stevie's
about to say grace, Ma.

-DONNA: Ooh, good, yes.
-No.

-MIKEY: Go ahead
and take it away there, Stevie.
-No.

-Yes, yes, yes.
-STEVEN: Uh, I don't...

MIKEY: Just f*ckin'
say the thing, okay?

MICHELLE:
Come on. You can do it.

-STEVEN: Um...
-DONNA: Grace.

Um...

Hey. Uh...

-It's great that we're all...
-I'm sorry.

...that we're all together,
um, and healthy, I think.

Uh, no one's si...
physically very sick.

Uh...

I'm so grateful, um,
for this beautiful meal.

And, Donna, um...

What an incredible job
Donna did.

And I-I could,
I could hear in there.

It sounded very hard
and it's just gorgeous.

And is he still
holding the fork?

-Sure is.
-MICHELLE: Yeah.

STEVEN: Okay. Um...

Listen.

Everyone's asking what this...

What is the seven fishes
or why do we do it?

-MICHELLE: Mm-hmm.
-And I think I know
what my definition is.

Uh, as soon as I think of it.

It's a chance to...

be together and to
take care of each other.

And to eat together.

And there's seven fishes,

which means you have to make
seven entirely different dishes.

Seven entirely different ways.

And that takes a lot of time.

And...

I think spending that time
and using that time

on the people that we love
is how we show them

that we love them.

And maybe we eat too much...

and we definitely drink too much

and we say too much
without listening.

But... tonight we...
we're gonna eat
seven fishes...

(Michelle laughs)

...which is absurd.

Uh...

But we have to take
extra time to do it

and we have to chew more
and we have to listen more.

And, uh, we only get to do
this tonight one time.

So...

I, by the way, love it.

I love being here.

Thank you for having me
every year at this.

I look... I very much
look forward to this.

And I love you.

I-I-I'm very in love
with Michelle.

And I'm not gay
like you guys asked a lot.

But I was
thinking about what...

what you said about bears
and how they're aggressive.

They're aggressive,
but they're kind.

They're sensitive.

You guys
have been so kind to me.

You let me hang out
with you every holiday.

I don't have a family
like this and...

I'm really grateful that, um,

you make space for me
at this table

and you make time for me
on the holidays.

May God bless us
and keep us safe
in the New Year.

And please give
Michael the strength

not to throw that fork.
Amen.

-(laughter)
-ALL: Amen.

-I love you.
-I love you.

(Donna grunts)

Stevie, that was, uh,
that was beautiful.

-(whispers) That helps a little.
-Yeah.

(sniffles)

(sighs)

Yeah. Yeah.

It doesn't f*ckin' matter.

Oh, Donna.

DONNA:
(softly) It doesn't...

SUGAR:
Ma, come on.
It's so beautiful.

So gorgeous.

RICHIE:
Thanks, Auntie D.

We love you so much.

-We love you.
-CICERO: Gorgeous, D.

-(sighs deeply)
-STEVEN: We can't wait.

Mom. Mom. Hey.

(exhales)

You okay?

MICHELLE: Oh, my God.

(Donna sighs)

Oh, Natalie...

Rose Berzatto...

do you know how much
I f*cking hate

-when you ask me that?
-Okay.

Do you know
how much I f*cking hate...

-SUGAR: Let's go upstairs.
-...that you ask me that.

SUGAR: Okay.

Do you...
do you ask the rest

of these people if they're okay?

SUGAR: No.

Uh...

Do I not look okay, Natalie?

Not really.

SUGAR: Let's go upstairs.

-Oh, f*ck you, Michelle.
-CARMY: Hey, hey, hey.

-I didn't mean it like--
-DONNA: I do not look okay?

-I didn't mean it like--
-Did I not just bust my ass

all day for you m*therf*ckers?

I didn't mean it like that.

-This... is beautiful.
-MICHELLE: It is.

Am I okay?

Am I okay?

(screaming)
Are you m*therf*ckers okay?

Are you okay, Lee?

You didn't do sh*t!

This is f*cking gorgeous.

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

f*ck you.

-(crying) f*ck you, Natalie.
-(footsteps receding)

MICHELLE (softly):
It's okay.

-(door shuts)
-It's okay.

(exhales)
Well, I guess we all knew
that was gonna happen.

So it's out.

And, uh, maybe everybody,
everybody can relax, huh?

MICHELLE:
Yeah, that's, uh...

That's the worst
I've ever seen her.

You f*ckin' piece of sh*t!

(all yelling)

(screaming)

Get the f*ck out.

(screaming continues)

Get outta here.

-(screaming continues)
-Hang on!

(screaming continues)

(yelling)

MIKEY:
Ma, what did you do?

(rattling)

Ma, open the door!

Open the door, Ma!

Ma!

-Ma, open the door!
-(banging on window)

Open the door!

Ma!

Ma! What did you do?

-(pounding on window)
-Ma, open the door.

Open the door!

Ma, open the door!

Ma!

Ma, what did you do?

(pounding continues)

Ma, open the door.

Open the door, Ma.

-Ma!
-(pounding continues)

Ma, open the door!

Open the door!

Ma!

-Ma!
-(pounding continues)

Ma!

-Ma!
-(pounding continues)

Ma, open the door.

Open the door!

(vocalizing)

♪ Could you ever know
how much I care? ♪

♪ How much I care? ♪

♪ Could you ever know
that out somewhere ♪

♪ That out somewhere ♪

♪ There's a boy
who really hurts? ♪

♪ Really hurts ♪

♪ Since I ♪

♪ I ♪

-♪ Found you ♪
-♪ Found ♪

♪ I found a girl ♪

♪ I found a thorn ♪

♪ I found a queen ♪

♪ Now I am warm ♪

♪ You told me you would move
heaven and Earth ♪

♪ Cheering my spirits
with laughter and mirth ♪

♪ Here I sit waiting
beside the tree ♪

♪ All by myself ♪