03x02 - Nine is Too Much

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

Wait till you see

what I have here.

Ah-ha!

Ah-haa!

Now, swinging a tree like this

will turn you into

a home run slugger in no time.

Thanks, dad.

'I considered giving you,

uh, an aluminum bat'

but then I figured,

what the heck.

If wood was good enough

for The Babe

then it's good enough

for my pal Nicholas.

Dad, just because

I got a new bat

doesn't mean

I'm gonna hit more home runs.

You're one hundred

percent correct, son.

It also takes...

the power of positive thinking.

Every time you get up

at that plate

you have to just know positively

that you are going to hit

that ball a country mile.

Ow! Oh! My Back!

- My back!

- What's wrong?

I can't straighten up.

I can't straighten up.

Sure you can, dad.

Just think positive.

Abby!

You can do it, Tom.

Oh!

You can do it, Tom!

[groans]

Oh, you..

...can't do it, Tom!

You can't do it. Aah!

[theme music]

♪ There's a magic in ♪

♪ The early morning

we've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪

♪ On everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪

♪ Though we spend our days ♪

♪ Like bright

and shiny new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪

♪ By the changing time ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[children cheering]

- Hey, David.

- Hey.

Looks like

I'm chauffeuring a hero.

- Nah.

- What happened?

- Hit a grand slam?

- Uh-uh.

- You made a double play?

- No.

No chance. I forgot my mitt.

Then why was everybody

cheering you?

Well, I got us a new manager.

I thought you had a manager.

No, he moved,

so we had to get another one.

Congratulations. Who is it?

- Dad.

- Dad?

You're kidding.

How did you get dad

to manage little league?

I don't know, but as soon

as I find out I'll tell you.

You promised dad to the team

and you haven't asked him yet?

Mm-mm. Any suggestions?

Just one.

Duck.

No, I'm not taking back

what I told you in nutrition.

It's just that, um, well,

I can't repeat it right now.

Um, can you call me back

after dinner?

Okay. Bye-bye.

Thanks for the privacy,

you guys.

Hey, don't hassle us, Elizabeth.

We were here cooking dinner

long before you decided

to talk mush.

Love may have

ruined your appetite

but we still need

solid nourishment.

Oh, you guys, it's not my fault

I have to take private calls

in a public kitchen.

Hey, you could use

equally public

entry hall phone, you know.

Oh, yeah? Well, thanks heaps.

Don't thank her,

thank Tightwad Tom.

No, thanks.

Every time I mention

the word phone

especially extension phone,

dad has a coronary.

Don't talk to dad before I talk

to him. You'll blow it.

- 'Blow what?'

- Everything!

When guys

stop playing baseball

and start b*ating me up.

Elizabeth, I'd say this

definitely takes priority.

Busted heads over busted hearts.

Maybe not.

Maybe there's a way to do this

so that we could encourage dad

'to give us all what we want.'

I'll try anything.

Okay, listen, I've got a plan.

Nicholas, you go

to dad and ask him..

[clears throat]

Dad...what are we gonna do

about Nicholas?

Unless I can trade him in

for a decent column

I will do with Nicholas

exactly what I've been doing

for the past nine years.

Then you haven't heard?

Dad, Nicholas needs you.

Yeah, as manager

of the little league team.

Oh-ho-ho, you know,

there is a point where

responsible parenthood ends

and insanity begins.

You just found it.

Dad, you're always saying

you should

spend more time with him.

Yeah, and we're willing

to give up

some of the time

you spend with us.

And you could use the exercise.

Oh, no, no,

I get plenty of exercise.

Just watch how vigorously my,

my head revolves around my neck.

- Hey, dad!

- Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry,

I didn't know you were busy.

Well, don't,

don't worry about it.

I mean, uh,

what's the difference?

Just because my column

may become a blank page

please don't let it bother you.

Now, listen, the girls have

already talked to me about it.

I don't care what they talked

about, I just wanted to tell you

this good idea that just

happened to come to me.

Oh, I suppose you couldn't

happen to just

save it till tomorrow,

could you, please?

Nope, I would forget.

I was thinking

what a good idea it would be

to put extension phones

in everybody's room.

Of course, just for

the grown-ups. I don't need one.

Uh-huh. Just a good-hearted kid.

So what's going on here?

I thought you were working.

What goes on is a little game

called switch and att*ck.

- Switch and what?

- att*ck.

(Tom)

'It's a variation of good cop,

bad cop.'

The girls are trying to sell me

on being the manager

of Nicholas' baseball team

and the good Samaritan

'is trying to get them

extension phones.'

You could stop lecturing

and, uh, maybe we could

vote on both suggestions, huh?

No vote, no extension phones.

And no managing

the little league.

Now, if you all get the message,

maybe I can get back to earning

the bread that you all need

that gives you the energy

to interrupt me

while I'm working.

- Oh!

- Not fair.

(Abby)

'I think

you're absolutely right'

'about not managing

little league.'

(Tom)

'Oh, yeah? Thank you.'

I'm glad somebody realizes

I'm too busy.

And even if you have the time..

I mean, the boys really need

someone who knows baseball.

I know baseball.

We're talking

about manager's baseball

not bleacher baseball.

Now, listen,

when I was Nicholas' age

I did a better job

running the Brooklyn Dodgers

than Leo Durocher.

In fact,

if Leo had listened to me in '

they would have won the pennant.

Second guessing doesn't count.

We're talking about

manager's baseball, you know

like, picking the right player

for the right position

teaching the fundamentals,

arguing with the umpires

in the heat of the battle.

I bet you don't even

keep up on the rules.

Oh, really, you mean,

now it takes

four strikes before you're out.

I mean,

that baseball is very complex.

Take the infield fly rule

for example.

Come on, who doesn't know

about the infield fly rule.

With two runners on base,

the batter hitting

an infield fly

is automatically out

whether the ball

is caught or not.

- Wrong, wrong.

- Right, right, right.

No, it's absolutely wrong.

One runner has

to be on first base.

Doesn't make any difference

where the runners are.

- You wanna bet?

- Yeah.

Well, I mean,

it's un-American to bet

with a woman about baseball.

Oh, in other words you're afraid

I'll win, is that right?

No, no, I'll bet you.

Alright. Name your own stakes.

A half a dollar,

a dollar, go ahead.

Forget the money,

forget the money.

If I win,

you agree to improve

your baseball education

on my terms.

- Agreed.

- Agreed. Okay.

You won't win.

You mean, you won?

Read it again, Tommy.

"And with bases thus occupied,

the batter hitting the fly ball

"within the infield

is automatically out.

"However, only if there are

less than two outs

and only if one of the runners

is occupying first base."

[chuckles]

What does that mean?

It means that you didn't

lose a father.

But you gained a manager.

What?

Nicholas obviously needs you

and, uh, you need the education.

Hey, dad, I'm really glad

you're gonna manage.

That makes one of us.

Oh, I'm sorry, Nicholas.

Actually, I'm glad

that you're glad

because we will

have fun together I guess.

But it's not fair

to my sisters.

Your sisters?

Yeah, I got what they asked for

but they didn't get

what I asked for.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

You may get me to manage

your baseball team

but I draw the line

into putting extension phones

in everybody's room.

I agree, no extension phones.

- Absolutely.

- Right.

I think we should get the girls

and Tommy their own telephone.

We can pay for the installation

and they can pay for it

out of their monthly earnings

and that way

they'll never use

your telephone again.

That's the best idea I've heard

since dad extended curfew.

[chuckles]

Alright. Then, we'll do it.

Assistant what?

Assistant manager

and team trainer.

You even get to wear

your own hat.

And now that doctors

are allowed to advertise

I might even let you have

your name on the back

of the game shirt.

Oh, no, you are just looking

for company in your misery.

Oh, no, that's not it at all,

it's just that

now I'm gonna have

to cancel the racquetball

so I'm offering you

another form of exercise.

Babysitting nine year olds?

I'd rather be fat.

[chuckles]

I think that you're afraid

to show your ignorance

about baseball.

What ignorance?

Oh...I bet you don't

even understand

the official rule on..

...infield flys.

You are going to bet me

about baseball?

[chuckles]

[children chattering]

Good going, g*ng.

- Uh!

- Nice grounder.

How about hitting some

infield flys?

Why don't you shut up

and manage?

No, no. Let me show you.

You have to choke it more.

Give me the bat.

- Which one's your dad?

- Can't you tell?

Yeah, if I was you,

I wouldn't admit it either.

- 'Hold choke..'

- 'Enough.'

I'm trying to help you.

You'll help me by getting down

the first base.

Ah!

Don't hurt yourself.

[children chattering]

(male #)

'Come on!'

[scoffs]

Kid's got no hands and, uh

he's too short

to play first base.

Well, everybody

deserves a try-out.

Yeah, sure. You're the manager.

That's right, I am the manager.

What are you gonna do about that

sorry-looking shortstop?

Okay!

Who's next on first?

Alright. What's your name, son?

- Jason.

- Wha.. What did you say?

Jason. Jason Conway.

Oh, thank you.

I thought you'd like to know

Jason was catcher last year.

'I mean, it's okay if you

wanna try him out at first'

but I think you're going to find

that he's a better catcher.

I appreciate your advice.

(female #)

'Oh, it's not advice.'

I just thought you'd like

to know that Jason's a catcher

to save you time.

Play ball.

- 'Watch it, Tom!'

- Okay, I got it.

[groans]

[dramatic music]

[groans]

Medic!

I-I'm coming, Tom.

[laughter]

[groans]

Looks like another year

we don't make the play-offs.

[both groaning]

[laughter continues]

- You need a doctor?

- That's not funny.

Eh, but you need a new trainer.

Oh, you're not quitting

on the first day?

Doctor's orders..

...which I just gave to myself.

Tom, little league

can be very hazardous

to your health.

And our friendship.

[groans]

I thought that we had a bet.

Yeah. Well, it fell apart..

...when I fell.

You yourself said

it was only sprain.

How do I know?

I flunked the infield fly rule.

You know what this

reminds me of?

The invasion at Inchon.

Oh, no. There's no comparison.

Inchon didn't have parents

on the sidelines

kibitzing General MacArthur.

Are you gonna go through

with this?

I shall return.

[doorbell rings]

Phone company.

Where do you want it?

Oh, boy, people have said

a lot of nice things

to me on that front porch, but

this has got to be the nicest.

Come on.

Hey, pretty sneaky, Elizabeth.

What makes you think our phone

goes in your room?

Actually, Susan, I think

it's a very central location.

Uh-uh, just 'cause this room

is half yours, Nancy

don't think she'll give you

equal phone time.

- Yes, she will.

- I will.

I suppose you think

it goes in your room.

- Yeah, why not?

- Hey, now, wait a minute.

- It should go in our room--

- No way.

[all clamoring]

Hey!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I could put extension phones

in every room.

- Now you're talkin'.

- That's a good idea.

- Could you, really?

- This is great for me.

Yeah, l-let me give you

a, an estimate.

- I never thought of that.

- I know.

$!

Over my dead bank account.

I'm sorry, sir,

I was just trying to provide

the maximum

customer convenience.

In this house, convenience

is one phone in the hall.

The hall? That's not privacy.

Oh, dad, can't we even have

just a long cord

to go to each one

of our own rooms? Oh, please.

Yeah, we can pay for it.

Okay, you work it all out

with Mr. Bell here.

But whatever they tell you

don't accept anything but cash.

Uh, let me get this straight

you want one phone

with enough cord

to reach every bedroom?

- Right.

- Right.

I'll have to measure,

but that'll

take at least

feet of extension cord.

'I'll have to come back tomorrow

with more material.'

Matter of fact, I'll have

to check with my supervisor.

We've never had an order

for feet of extension cord.

It may take till next week.

- Oh! Next week.

- Next week.

Uh, Mr. Bradford, listen,

i-if you're not gonna use

this chair, you don't mind

if I borrow it, do you?

Ah? Sure, sure.

Go ahead, borrow it.

- Burn it. I don't care.

- Yeah.

My-my chair

is really uncomfortable.

- Oh, oh.

- Oh-ho.

Oh, Donna, now, remember,

we've hired you as a secretary.

No extra pay

for moving furniture.

That's right, Mr. Randolph.

Yes, sir.

Well, this is an honor, Eliot.

What brings you downstairs?

Well, I just heard

the good news.

They've invented a transplant

for the human back?

Oh! Now, you'll work

the kinks out.

I always did.

'You know,

managing little league'

was the happiest time

of my life.

Oh, really? I didn't know

that you had time for baseball.

Oh-oh-ho. From May to September.

I don't have time

to publish a newspaper.

Randy III's the same way.

He was little league, you know.

'Never would have made'

'the Harvard Nine without it.'

That's really great.

I'm just sorry that all kids

can't be little league.

- You might point that out.

- Point what out?

In the column you are writing,

you know, sort of an

insider's view of how

little league helps to form

the moral fiber

of the younger generation.

I didn't realize I was writing

a column like that.

Oh, well, now, I'd never

tell you what to write, Tom.

You know that.

It's just that, well,

I've never been able to express

my own feelings about

the all-American pastime.

Don't have your knack

with words.

I visualize a

brilliant tribute

that'll be picked up

and reprinted all over America.

Wouldn't hurt Tom Bradford.

Wouldn't hurt the paper.

I'll think about it, Eliot.

Sure, Tom.

Think it over.

Just a suggestion.

What is it about little league?

Parents tell you how to manage.

Bosses tell you

what to write about.

Wives tell you to lie still

so it won't hurt so much.

[groans]

I don't think

I'll ever be the same.

- Hi, dad. How's your back?

- Terrible.

Want to try

some of this stuff on it?

It's real good

for loosening baseball mitts.

[groans]

I don't think it'll be so good

for your dad's back, Nicholas.

What is it?

Turpentine?

[phone rings]

Oh, I'm not in, I'm not in.

It could be for someone else,

you know.

Hello. Bradford residence.

Uh, just a m-just a minute.

Um, some hysterical person

on the phone wants to speak

to the quote, "Misguided clod

who moved Ralf Leversy from

catcher to center field,"

end quote.

The misguided clod

is not here.

Mm-hmm.

[chuckles]

(Abby)

'Tom, come quick.

You're not gonna believe this.'

What is it?

Look, it's a moment

in Bradford history.

[laughs]

The first time in years

there's no line at the bathroom.

- That's right.

- Of course, dad.

We're standing in line

to use our phone.

- Yeah.

- That's right.

[indistinct chattering]

- Yeah.

- How's it going?

I got, uh, three hours' work

before this thing can work.

If I were you people,

I'd line up at the bathroom.

- Oh..

- Come on.

[chuckles]

[phone rings]

Oh, I bet that's

for our misguided clod.

- Do you want me to field it?

- No.

I'd like to hit this one myself.

Right down the pitcher's throat.

Hello!

Oh, hello, Mrs. Conway.

Is that right?

This Saturday?

Alright. If you say so.

- Guess what?

- What?

The Red Sox team

has a tradition.

'All those monster parents

that've bugged us night and day'

we get to give them a party.

- Would you like a sandwich?

- No.

(male #)

'So I really talked to him.'

I was able to

straighten him out.

And would you believe last year

we had a manager who didn't

even know the infield fly rule.

Misguided clod.

Um, have you ever considered

uh, managing little league,

Mr. Boyle?

Well, only in passing.

See, I figure,

it'll be a better utilization

of my talents and experience

if I wait and, uh, help out

Bobby's college coach.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm sure that Bobby's

college coach will be

very excited about that.

- If you excuse me a second, I..

- Excuse me.

Sure.

Oh, I must see you,

Mr. Bradford.

You haven't let

Jason play catcher yet.

And when he doesn't

play catcher, he gets asthma.

Oh, gosh, I didn't know that.

- Yeah. He thinks you hate him.

- Oh, no. Of cou..

I love children.

I have eight of mine own.

Then you know how I feel

as a mother.

When Jason doesn't

play catcher...I get asthma.

Well, I-I-I'll do

the best I can.

Excuse me a second. We'll talk

about that in a minute.

See, I don't care

what position Stanley plays

what's important is

that the boys have fun.

Oh, now that's my philosophy.

Hi, I'm Tom Bradford.

- Sid Fletcher, Tom.

- Oh, really. You're the doctor.

Psychiatrist.

Oh, I-I should have

met you sooner.

Anyone that's willing

to manage a little league team

should have his head examined.

[laughs]

Well, all you need is a little

preventative mental hygiene.

Just keep reminding yourself

it's only a game.

Child's play. For children.

That's right.

There are people here

that actually think

it's a w*r for adults.

Right. They think

their egos are at stake.

Exactly.

Listen, you wouldn't

be interested in being

team trainer, would you?

The job is open and--

- Bring my couch to the dugout?

- Oh, no, no, no.

I would put you up in the

grandstand with the parents.

[laughs]

That's good.

[laughs]

- Hi.

- That's a smart man.

Who?

Uh, Dr. Fletcher.

He's the only parent here

who isn't pushing his child.

Oh, really? Well, how come he

just cornered me in the kitchen

for a ten-minute

sales talk on Stanley's genius

for psyching out the other team?

- Hi, dad, how's your back?

- Oh, don't remind him.

Oh, as if I can forget it.

Yeah, you shouldn't have lifted

so many potato chips

at the party last night.

No, actually, the party

made me forget my back

by giving me a headache.

[knock on door]

Oh, who could that be?

I told Nicholas I didn't want

any of his friends to disturb me

on Sunday morning.

Well, unless Nicholas is

into middle-aged playmates

I don't think

that's the problem.

Oh, no, you know who it is?

It's that Bobby Boyle's father.

Well, somebody tell him

we're not home.

It's too late,

he already waved at me.

(Mr. Boyle)

'There you go.

Lookin' good. Lookin' good.'

'Concentrate now.

Bear it down, bear it down.'

That's fine.

Uh, I guess I didn't

make myself clear, Mr. Boyle.

Our next practice is Tuesday.

Yeah, but, uh, our first game's

in only two weeks.

I figure if you keep ignoring

Bobby's pitching arm

we're in big trouble.

So I want you to see it when you

got time to concentrate.

- But it's Sunday.

- No problem.

Baseball's my religion.

Okay, Bobby,

show him the spitter, huh.

'Kid's got a spitter.'

Stay right

where you are, Bobby.

Hey, come on, be fair, Bradford.

Don't tell me you're not even

gonna look at the kid.

I've looked at Bobby and

I've looked at you, Mr. Boyle.

'In fact, I've looked at all

the parents that are turning'

'a pleasant pass time

into a gruesome farce.'

You may not be happy with

the way I'm managing this team

but I've got some

good news for you.

You won't have to

gripe about it anymore.

In short, I've just resigned.

Okay, so I quit, I'm sorry.

It was monopolizing my life.

My job was suffering.

'Not to mention my back.'

Alright, you want to know

the real reason I quit?

I'll tell you.

I cannot put up with those

busybody, meddling parents

calling me up in the middle of

the night with their threats

and their cajoling.

"Play Bobby here."

"Stanley has to bat cleanup."

It's ridiculous.

Can you picture

Reggie Jackson's parents

calling up the manager

of the Yankees

and-and telling him

that-that, "We don't want

'Reggie to play right field?"'

Do Don Sutton's parents go

barging into the dugout

screaming and yelling at

Tommy Lasorda for pulling out

Donny boy in the ninth?

It's alright, Tom.

We understand.

- Don't we?

- Sure, dad.

Yeah. I mean,

cause your life comes first.

I understand, dad.

We have a crummy team.

Oh, no, Nicholas, please.

I didn't mean that.

I mean..

Please, somebody explain

to him what I mean.

Alright, then how come

we keep losing managers?

Well, because i-it takes a lot

time and devotion, I mean

you have to make

a big commitment.

Oh, one of your favorite words.

Elizabeth, there are commitments

and there are commitments.

And then there are commitments

to Nicholas' team, dad.

Yeah. So what're we

gonna do for a manager?

Oh, listen, I'm sure

there's plenty of people

that'd be happy to take the job.

Who?

- You?

- Why not?

That way we'll

keep it in the family.

It's just

a simple transfer of power.

Oh, come on. Be serious.

I mean,

what do you know about managing

a little league baseball team?

Well, besides

the infield fly rule

I do know a few things

about motivating children.

Oh, there is a lot more involved

than child psychology.

I mean, there's

parent psychology.

How can you deal

with those vultures?

Hopefully better than you.

You, a baseball manager.

That is a laugh.

Oh, well, look at it this way

I couldn't do

a whole lot worse than you.

Oh, you couldn't, could you?

We'll see about that.

I give you one day with those

little uncoordinated

nine year olds

and their egomaniacal parents.

One day and you'll come crying

to me to bail you out.

I see.

Oh, look at this.

'You ought to have

your head examined.'

A-ha! Not bad.

Not bad at all.

What do you think?

What do you think?

- One day. I give you one day.

- One day. Mm-hmm.

[instrumental music]

[children yelling indistinctly]

Okay, let's try for two.

[sighs]

Seven for one.

Come on, let's try it again.

Oh, it's pretty heavy stuff.

Who're you crucifying,

child beaters?

I haven't seen you so worked up

since Nixon fired Archibald Cox.

Hey, listen, are you, you sure

Randolph's gonna run this thing?

Hey, listen, you are attacking

a sacred institution.

Little league is right up there

with apple pie and mom.

And Randy III.

Listen, why not, right?

I mean, what's

a few thousand dollars

in advertising revenue anyway?

[sighs]

See you at

the unemployment office, huh?

[typewriter clacking]

[phone beeps]

[sighs]

[phone rings]

- Hello.

- 'Elizabeth.'

Oh, dad, it's you.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry

to disappoint you. It's me.

Uh, listen, would you tell Abby

that I'm on this phone, please?

- She's not home.

- 'What do you mean?'

I just called our phone

and the-the-the line was busy.

- Oh, that was me.

- 'Now, wait a second.'

I thought that the reason that

we had this phone installed

was so that

you would have an open line.

But, dad, I couldn't tie up

this line, I'm expecting

a crucial phone call from Lenny,

but I had to talk to Connie

to find out

if she was goin' out with John

before I could talk to Lenny.

'Do you understand?'

Vaguely. Alright.

Never mind, never mind.

Just tell Abby, uh..

Where is Abby?

'Where is she?'

Umm, she's at the baseball field

with Nicholas' team.

Oh, really?

Ah, the poor woman.

(male #)

'Right down the middle.'

[children yelling]

Not much defense.

Not much anything.

At least we got a pitcher.

My son, Bobby.

[indistinct shouting]

- 'Hello, Mr. Bradford.'

- Oh, hello.

(Mr. Boyle)

'Well, if it isn't

our ex-manager.'

So how's retirement

treating you?

Well, it's very peaceful.

So you got your better half

standing in for you.

- Yeah, she insisted.

- Uh, you don't have to worry.

As long as she's got Bobby

zingin' 'em in the air

she doesn't have to

have much else.

Uh, where she got

your kid playing?

Right field.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, the Siberia

of the baseball diamond.

You know, Nicholas has

a very good arm.

Oh!

You're right,

kid's got a terrific arm.

So how did it feel today, champ?

- Alright, I guess.

- You guess?

Well, it was okay

until Abby switched me

from shortstop to right field

and she gave shortstop

to Stanley Fletcher

and he can't catch for beans.

Oh, Stanley Fletcher

is no shortstop.

You have a very

strong arm, Nicholas.

You're going to waste

out in right field.

I'll have to have

a talk with her.

Better do it delicately.

Very delicately.

You haven't the slightest idea

of what you're doing.

I don't remember asking you

for your opinion.

Our Nicholas does not belong

in right field.

Who's running this team anyway?

You are. I'm simply trying to

make a constructive suggestion.

Well, I thank you very much

and I will think about it

along with the suggestions

of all the other kids' parents.

You know, you're acting like

a typical little league parent.

- Me? That's ridiculous.

- Oh, is it?

Big problems, huh?

Oh, I don't know.

If you call having

an infield like Swiss cheese

and an outfield of malcontents

and only one pitcher who can get

the ball over plate without it

bouncing first, big problems..

[sighs]

'...then I've got big problems.'

Pitching? Now that's

the crux of your problem.

Pitching is the cornerstone

of a successful team.

Can you get me Tom Seaver?

[instrumental music]

(Tom)

'...beautiful!'

Go ahead, go ahead, attaboy.

Chuck it right in there,

Nicholas, go on.

[indistinct] we were gonna make

a real Tom Seaver out of you.

Little more follow through.

Go on.

Little follow through.

Go on.

'That's it, in there, oh!'

'In there.'

[instrumental music]

Alright.

That's it, that's it..

[music continues]

[phone rings]

Hello? Tommy?

No, no, no,

you have the wrong number.

This number belongs

to Tom and Abby Bradford.

If you call information,

they will give you a listing

for the Bradford children.

You have that number.

Well, then why are

you calling here?

Oh, you've been calling that

number, but the line is busy.

So you thought..

Well, uh, l-let me suggest

two alternatives, Marilyn.

One, sweat it out,

you might just

get through to them by tomorrow

or two, send a telegram.

Operator..

...would you connect me with

the business office please?

Thank you.

Okay, bedtime, champ.

But, dad,

it's only o'clock.

You don't wanna

be tired tomorrow.

I'm looking forward

to big things from you.

Dad, do you really think

I'm ready to pitch?

Oh, absolutely.

You've got a great arm. You're

gonna blow it right past them.

I sure hope so.

Don't worry about a thing.

Just get a good night sleep.

Keep that right arm

under the covers.

Now, I want your pajamas on

and the lights out

in ten minutes.

- Yes, sir. Goodnight, dad.

- Goodnight, Nicholas.

[doorbell rings]

Ah, good morning.

Not a moment too soon.

Uh, go on right up,

Now, if they get violent

just hold them at bay

until I get there.

Ten, nine, eight

seven, six

five, four

three, two, one..

(Joannie)

'Hey.'

[chuckles]

Hey, what are you doing?

Order to disconnect.

- By order of whom?

- Head of the household.

Oh!

I've got the, uh,

service order right here.

[all clamoring]

(Joannie)

'Dad, no way.'

- 'Dad?'

- Good morning.

- You can't do this, dad.

- No, but I already have.

(Nancy)

'But it's our phone.'

But-but your phone

is located in my house.

'It's the law

of eminent domain.'

But we paid for it.

Wrong. I paid for

the installation

and I'm paying for

the de-installation.

It always comes down

to money, doesn't it, dad?

Yeah. Dad, why are

you doing this?

Well, because life in this house

with one phone was much simpler.

- Simpler?

- Yes.

Because for the past week

there have been

twice as many calls

in this house as ever before.

Because our phone,

remember, mine and Abby's

has been constantly tied up with

people trying to get through

to you because your phone

is constantly busy.

I don't like being

an answering service.

Let's just call it

a noble experiment that failed.

Will there be

anything else, Mr. Bradford?

Oh, no, no, that's it.

Just send me the final bill.

And get out of this house fast.

- No, wait.

- Wait a minute.

[all clamoring]

Tyrant.

Privatist.

Hmm.

Listen, Max, I'm telling you

as your doctor

it's okay to walk on it,

it's only a sprain.

Besides, you don't wanna miss

Nicholas's pitching debut,

do you?

Oh, no, no, no,

he's not starting, but, uh

by the time Bobby Boyle

walks in the first four runners

Abby will be going

to the bullpen.

Yeah, right, well,

alright, wonderful.

I have to run now, but I-I'll

see you there at :.

Right, bye-bye.

Tom, I'm glad I caught you.

- Oh, listen.

- This article--

Mr. Randolph, I have to run now.

I really do, I'm awfully sorry,

but I have to pick up Nicholas

in minutes to get him to the

ball field in time to warm up.

But the article is not quite

what I had in mind.

Oh, well then you re-write it

and put your name on it.

[indistinct shouting]

Now, remember son,

keep those balls low.

- Right, dad.

- And don't walk anybody.

- Bases and balls can k*ll you.

- Gotcha.

[indistinct]

Nicholas, Nicholas, go toss

a ball around with Freddy, okay?

Come on, Freddy.

Authorized personnel only

in the dugout.

Okay, okay,

I'm going, I'm going.

But remember, don't hesitate

to go to the bullpen.

Okay, line up, um, Jimmy Sanchez

is gonna lead off.

Then Stanley Fletcher and then

Kenny Gulch is batting third

and then Bobby Boyle at cleanup.

Everybody got that?

- Yeah?

- Let's go.

- Okay, let's get it together.

- Alright.

Excuse me, please.

I'm sorry. Pardon me.

Well, look who's here.

The manager's right hand man.

Isn't she at least gonna let

you coach first base?

Don't mind him,

he's just projecting.

Yeah.

Jason was up

till midnight...wheezing.

Oh, hi, kids.

Hi I said.

Oh, the telephone, huh?

One thing about this family,

they're sure quick to forgive.

Oh, there's a friend.

Hi, Max, come on over here.

- Oh, boy.

- Hi.

(all)

Hi, Uncle Max.

- You made it, huh?

- Yeah, just barely.

What did you bring your bag for?

I'm not taking

any chances around

a baseball diamond again.

Oh, you just settle back.

You'll enjoy the game.

It's gonna be a real humdinger.

- Nervous?

- Me nervous? Nah.

Relax, Tom, it's only

the third inning.

I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.

(man on PA)

'Bobby Boyle, continues

to maintain Red Sox..'

[indistinct announcement on PA]

'Count now is

two balls and two strikes.'

[whistles]

Off..

That's wild. They can't get

the ball over the plate.

Come on, come on, Bobby,

get it in there.

Strike three!

You're out.

You going down,

Bobby boy.

The kid swung

at ball four.

[indistinct announcement on PA]

Ah, four..

What?

She's...she's pullin' Bobby

and-and-and bringin' in

that klutz.

She's bringing Nicholas in.

Now you're gonna

see some pitchin'.

[cheering]

Go, Nicholas!

So, uh, how ya feelin',

Nicholas?

Okay.

Just remember you got

eight other guys out there

and all you have to do is

get it over the plate, okay?

- Alright.

- Okay.

Do your stuff, champ.

(man on PA)

'Coming back to the tile

is Bruce Mackelwayne.'

[crowd cheering]

Strike.

[dramatic music]

[crowd cheering]

The important thing

is that he caught the ball.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct announcement on PA]

Come on, champ, show 'em

what you're made of.

[indistinct announcement on PA]

[crowd screaming]

What did I tell you?

She should have left Bobby.

Yeah, what does she know!

(man on PA)

'The score is tied, two outs

during the last inning.'

'Tigers have

the winning runner on third'

'and it's Bruce Mackelwayne

coming to play.'

You, uh, tired, Nicholas?

Nah!

Well, um, I see

you're out of gas.

What do you say,

we give Jason a sh*t?

Hang in there, champ.

Come on, Abby,

I have to stay in. Please.

Are you sure?

Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music]

Terrific!

[indistinct chatter]

What an arm!

[all cheering]

'What an arm!'

[music continues]

It's okay, Nicholas,

you gave it everything you had.

Come on.

It's just

the first game of the season.

They'll be plenty more.

- But I didn't do it.

- You did, you did.

You pitched two good innings.

That's not enough.

All that work that dad..

Dad? Dad's feelings

have nothing to do with it.

Ah, dad's feelings have

everything to do with it.

- I'm sorry, dad.

- So am I.

I did everything you said.

I kept the ball low

and I didn't walk anybody.

Nicholas, you did just fine.

But I lost the game for us.

It doesn't matter.

It shouldn't matter.

I'm the one that made

a big thing out of it, not you.

'I don't think you even wanted

to pitch in the first place.'

- I didn't mind.

- You didn't mind.

You just didn't wanna

disappoint me.

And you didn't.

- I disappointed me.

- Huh?

'It's a complicated thing,

Nicholas'

between fathers and sons.

And it's been going on long

before you and me.

Mean you're not mad?

Hey, what do you say

we go for a..

...big pepperoni pizza

and a couple

of ice-cold root beers?

I am kinda hungry.

Then let's make it two pizzas.

Come on, pal.

Boy, that big guy

really belted it a mile.

- Two miles.

- Three miles.

I bet it's still goin'.

[humming]

Oh, boy!

Oh, hi, Nicholas.

How was your game?

I don't feel like

any small talk, thank you.

I've never been

so embarrassed in my life.

Why? What happened?

(Abby)

'Stretcher.'

[gasps]

Dad.

- Is it serious?

- Easy, easy

- Okay, okay.

- Take it easy..

Ow! Gosh!

- God, did that hurt.

- Okay.

Aah!

Uh, uh, what's wrong with him?

Today was the exhibition game

between the team managers

and, uh, the parents

in their annual free-for-fall.

I didn't even wanna pitch.

[laughing]

Dad was pitcher?

Yeah, some pitcher.

He walked up to the mound

and he took his signs

from the catcher..

...and he started

his big windup.

And instead of throwing

the ball..

He threw out his back.

[phone rings]

Hello.

No, he's not, bye.

- Who was that for?

- Dad. I said he wasn't in.

What do you mean?

He's in. I'm in. I'm me.

Sorry, dad, I'm tired of being

an answerin' service, you know.

Life was so much simpler

with two phones.

[laughs]

[theme music]