Hey, Nicholas.
How'd it go?
We won.
Fifty-six to nothing.
Oh, isn't that supposed to
make you happy?
I never got off the bench.
Well.. You get 'em next game.
How can I get 'em next game
if they're on the field
and I'm on the bench?
(David)
Nicholas.
If you never got off the bench
how'd you get your uniform
so dirty?
Oh? You noticed.
Yeah, it's kind of
hard to miss.
Well, I was walking home
from the games, see?
And this big big fat fat creep
started pickin' on me
about my size.
And you wound up
playing football one on one?
Yeah.
[sighs]
How'd you make out?
What does it look like?
It looks like you lost.
Yeah, to nothing.
[instrumental music]
["Eight Is Enough"]
♪ There's a magic in the early
morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles
on everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel
and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright
and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Oh, uh, yes.
Hold on a second,
I'll see if he's here.
Nicholas!
It's a young lady for you.
(Nicholas)
'Okay.'
[sighs]
Why does it start early
with every child?
What young lady?
I don't know,
either we had a bad connection
or she said her name is
Andrea Cuddlesworth.
- Hang up!
- Why! What's wrong?
- I can't talk to her.
- Why not?
She's warm for my form.
Nicholas!
Do you understand
what you just said?
Well, I'm not sure.
But Tommy says,
"When a girl follows you around
"at recess and sits
next to you at lunch
that means that she's.."
Please, don't say it.
I don't wanna hear it.
Hold on a second, please.
What should I tell
the dreaded Miss Cuddlesworth?
Well, tell her
that she's pushing
and she makes me itch.
I can't tell her that.
Then...tell her
that I'm washing my hair.
It always works for Nancy.
Uh, hello?
Uh, yes, he can't come
to the phone right now.
He's, um, busy
washing Nancy's hair.
'Alright, I'll tell him
you called. Bye-bye.'
Dad, someday I'll do
something for you.
Thanks, thanks.
Stop growing, will ya?
'Cause I don't think I can
survive another adolescence.
Dad!
Oh, good.
Guess what?
I am a professional.
I'm going to remain very calm
until you finish that sentence.
You are a professional what?
Actress, what else?
A professional actress
as in Broadway and Hollywood.
As in fame and fortune.
You scared the life out of me
to tell me that?
You've been an actress ever
since you were two days old.
You used to emote
when we changed your diapers.
[chuckles]
See? I'm a born actress.
And as of Monday,
I will be a paid actress.
- Paid?
- Yeah.
- As in money?
- Yeah, dad.
That's terrific.
Oh, well, actually
in the money department
it's only mini terrific.
$ a week.
Since when can the university
theater afford
to pay the students anything?
No, dad.
It's not the university.
It's the Sacramento Repertory
Company. The Civic Theater.
I'm the only new person
they accepted.
Wow, that's wonderful.
I'm very proud.
Thanks, dad.
I'm so excited.
Hmm, $ a week
is not a fortune.
But actually it's not bad
to start with.
It's more than I was making
when I started as a copy boy.
I was making less than that.
Dad, I love your Tom Bradford
Junior achiever stories
but I wanna tell everyone
the news.
But I, I was making less
than $ a month.
And your mother was pregnant
with David and..
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
Wow!
Okay, watch this.
Ta-dah.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, is this just a deposit,
or are we making withdrawals?
Get Nancy's blouse?
I wanna wear it Friday.
Uh-huh.
[whistles]
[music continues]
A body that gorgeous
should be illegal.
This...this has got to be
the best-looking sports car
ever built.
Original right-hand drive,
fantastic.
Hey, meet the original
Susan Bradford.
Larry Phenton.
Great, no rust.
Must be the hand cream I use.
[chuckles]
Aw, look at that chrome.
There's not a trace
of oxidation.
Oxidation?
Would I let oxidation
come within ten miles of my car?
Very impressive.
Not every girl could keep a car
like this in mint condition.
I'm not every girl.
I can see that.
So, do you think we might take
a little spin around the block?
Hey, sure. Come on.
Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
I forgot,
my-my sister's inside.
And we have to go home
and polish the hubcaps.
Can I come help?
- Maybe next time.
- I'd like that.
Larry Phenton.
That's Phenton with a P-H.
I'm in the book.
Unless you have a hang-up
about calling guys.
Would a woman with a car
like this have hang-ups?
Call soon.
I get great vibes from you.
[sighs]
[grunts]
But we get great vibes
from a station wagon.
Tommy, if you take
one more radish
you're gonna be a dead rabbit.
Hah! You'd never hit me.
You'd be afraid
to break your fingernails.
Who said anything about hitting?
I'll pull out your whiskers.
Both of them.
Hey, guys, uh..
has anybody in this house
ever asked Abby
if they could use her car?
Are you crazy?
Abby's car is by definition,
Abby's car.
But is that,
by definition fair?
I mean, the six of us
have to share
the sedan and the wagon.
A correction, almost seven.
That's right.
When Tommy gets his
driver's license
the car situation
will be even worse.
You are so right, Elizabeth.
Seven people into
two cars doesn't go.
And all the while Abby's car
is sitting in the garage alone
exposed to rust and oxidation.
Forget it, guys.
You're driving a hopeless idea
up a blind alley.
Aw, I'm surprised at you, Mary.
What about Bradford's Law?
Hey, yeah,
what about Bradford's Law?
- Share and share alike.
- Yeah.
If it applies to one,
it should apply to all.
Drop it, Susan.
Abby would rather leave
this family
than give up her car.
Nancy, I don't think
you're being fair to Abby.
I mean, she probably
hasn't lent us her car
because no one has explained
how much it's needed.
By all of us, of course.
Well, that's one piece of
explaining I want no part of.
Aw, Mary.
How do you expect to solve
our transportation problem
if we don't stick together?
Well, like we
always have, Susan.
With dad's sedan,
a station wagon
and with lots of arguments.
Well?
Hmm.
I mean, more than
people tried out.
I still can't believe
I got it.
I thought I was gonna
have to spend
years of struggle
and starvation
just to get near
a professional company.
And then, presto!
Overnight, I'm
a working thespian.
Bravo, Joannie!
You know, I think I saw
the story of your life
on the late show.
Yeah, me too.
You were played by
Mickey Rooney.
[all laughing]
Go ahead and tease me.
I feel too great to care.
Let's have a little respect
for art around here.
- What do you say?
- Yeah!
And employment.
What play are you doing?
- Uh, "Medea."
- Oh, that's a good choice.
I mean, that's a classic tragedy
of love and revenge.
It's always been
one of my favorites.
But then again, of course, I've
always been a Sophocles fan.
Uh, Tom, um, "Medea"
was written by Euripides.
Euripides, Sophocles,
they're all Greeks to me.
[indistinct chattering]
Yeah, what is it with me?
I'm always setting him up.
[chuckles]
I can't wait to read
the reviews.
I can see it now.
Joannie Bradford
dazzles Sacramento
in a professional debut
as Medea.
Oh, "Medea?"
I think it's great.
- 'Everyone!'
- I'm so excited.
May I have your attention,
please?
Here we are, my friends.
Before I read off the roster
I would like to welcome
someone very special.
A true star.
This is her first production
with our company
and I hope it won't be the last.
'Fresh from a two-month
engagement'
'at the North Beach Theater
in San Francisco.'
The very, very talented
Dianna Donley.
[chuckles]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Let's get down to business.
Here are the cast assignments.
As I call your name
come up
and get your sides, please.
Guess who's Medea?
[both laugh]
[instrumental music]
Allen will play Jason.
Congratulations.
'Bruce, you're Creon.'
- 'Marie, you're the Chorus.'
- 'Oh, thanks.'
Sandy, you're the Messenger.
And that's everyone.
Um, no, I mean,
uh, uh, what about me?
Oh, Joannie, Joannie.
What am I going to be?
There's lots
for you to do.
Yours is
a very challenging role.
And I assure you it will require
the utmost concentration
and boundless energy.
Oh, you mean
then I do have a role?
Of course.
Yours is the role
of the newcomer.
'You get to build sets'
'fix props, paint scenery,
feed lines.'
Understudy all the women's roles
and that's a chore.
You get to learn
as much as you can
about the theater
in a shorter time possible.
- Alright?
- Alright.
But this is the first thing
I want you to do.
I want you to cross down
stage left.
Y-yeah.
And I want you to get me
a cup of coffee.
Okay, friends.
Will you take us from the top?
[music continues]
(Joannie)
'Oh! For this
I studied Ibsen.'
Joannie, it's always hard
at first. I..
I mean, you wouldn't be
in the company
if you didn't have talent.
No.
They didn't want talent,
all they wanted was cheap labor.
Well, at least you're
learning a craft.
[chuckles]
Mary, my craft right now
is carpentry
and running errands
for the leading lady.
I mean, who has time
for anything else?
It's, "Joannie,
would you fix this?"
"Hey, Joannie, could you come
over here and get this for me?"
"Hey, Joannie, could you please
sweep this over here?"
"Joannie, Joannie,
what are you doing, would you.."
[sighs]
I mean, when I finally have time
to look at my script
I'm too numb to find it.
Oh, Mary, I've become
"The Cinderella of Sacramento."
Listen, Joannie.
Do you think I had it
any easier in med school?
I mean, I go in there
all ready
for brain surgery, right?
And they tell me
to go dissect a frog.
Ha ha ha.
Joannie, what's important
is that we never lose sight
of our dreams.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
Oh, it's just that..
I mean, I thought I had
all the tools
to be an actress, you know?
Diction and sense memory,
movement.
[laughs]
Who would've known that these
would be the tools I'd need?
[laughs]
[phone ringing]
Hello? Oh.
Uh, no. Nicholas
isn't here right now.
He went to Pakinstein.
Nope, he didn't say
when he'd be back.
Bye.
[sighs]
[knock on door]
Oh, yeah, come in.
Holy mackerel!
What is this?
A delegation
of small Bradfords?
Dad.
We've come up with a solution
to the transportation crisis.
Okay, let's hear it.
Well, seeing as it's impossible
at this time to buy a new car..
Hmm, I like it so far.
...we think it's time
to invoke Bradford's Law.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
Oh, uh..
Now, just exactly w-which one
did you have in mind?
No member of this family
shall horde his or her
private treasures.
And we think it's time
Abby's car is no longer
considered a private treasure.
Abby's car?
(Tommy)
The whole family
should be allowed to use it.
But only on weekends,
when she's not using it.
Oh, uh-uh, I don't,
I don't know.
I mean, Abby is so fussy
with that car.
That, that..
That's her pride and joy.
Besides, it's almost
impossible to drive.
You remember what happened
when I tried.
Dad, just because you're
uncoordinated doesn't mean--
Dad, it's the principle.
'Bradford's Law has always
been family policy.'
Oh, yes, but we're dealing
with Abby's feelings.
I don't even know
if it's fair.
After all, she wasn't around
when this law was formulated.
So, in a sense you could say
that it's an ex post facto law.
And, and, uh..
I'll try.
'One hundred
and eight-five dollars?'
What did they use,
solid gold spark plugs?
It costs more
to repair Gwendolyn
because she's special.
Yeah, I know,
it's the only one of our cars
that cost more than three kids.
'But the money wouldn't worry me
if the car were more practical.'
But I mean,
to spend that kind of money
on a car when only
one person can drive it?
Are you trying to
tell me something?
No.
Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
Mm-hmm.
[clears throat]
You see, the kids
need an extra car
and they want permission
from you to use your car.
Tom, my car was not meant to be
driven by a family.
Especially not this family.
I almost had heart failure
the time you drove it.
Well, the feeling was mutual.
You know it has
nothing to do with me.
It's, uh,
i-i-it's Bradford's Law.
- Bradford's what?
- Law.
It's a family policy
regarding private property.
Simply stated in a family of
eight, there is no such thing.
How come I never heard
about this law before?
Oh, well,
it goes back many years.
It all started when-when David
had this very special baseball
that he caught
up at Candlestick Park.
'And, oh, he cherished it.'
I mean, you had to get his
permission just to look at it.
He kept it hidden underneath
his mattress and everything.
And then one morning, Tommy
figured it was going to waste
underneath David's bed,
so, he took it to practice
at the Little League.
'Well, I'll tell you,
when I finally got it'
'back from Tommy
I had to tell David..'
I said,
"Look, any personal property
"not used by its owner
automatically becomes
family property."
Tom, there is
a very big difference
between a baseball and my car.
About $, worth.
Yeah, but it's
the same principle.
I mean, when something
isn't used by its owner
then it has to be shared.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I just can't do it.
Oh? Alright.
That's good.
Well...goodnight
and-and listen, it's alright.
I'll think of something
to tell the kids.
Don't worry.
- Who's worried?
- Mm.
The-the kids won't think
that you're being selfish.
Who's feeling selfish?
[instrumental music]
Joannie! I thought
you'd fix this.
Or do you want me to trip
and break my neck?
Oh, oh, Dianna.
I'm sorry.
Really, I-I, uh,
I thought it was secure.
Hold on, just a minute,
and I'll pin it.
Listen, darling, I understand
that this is your first
professional work.
But you must understand
that the theater is not
all fun and games.
You have responsibilities.
You are paid to do a job.
I guess, I have been
messing up a lot, Dianna.
Well, you're honest.
That's good. I like that.
Honesty is the essence
of acting, Joannie.
There may be hope for you yet.
(Richard)
'Joannie!'
When are you gonna finish
painting these shields?
Uh, I'll be right there,
Richard. It's fine.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Joannie, I thought we agreed
that you'd stop being a klutz.
- Now get with it!
- I'm sorry.
(Richard)
'Joannie!
What's holding you up?'
Uh, um..
[sighs]
- 'Hey, good morning.'
- Mm, hi.
Well, did you talk to dad?
How'd it go?
Abby repealed Bradford's Law,
unilaterally.
Oh, I knew it.
Man, I could've really operated
with those wheels.
We're not licked yet.
What do you have in mind?
Guilt.
[instrumental music]
Okay, everybody.
Breakfast is ready.
Come on!
It's gonna get cold.
(Susan)
'Breakfast?
Who's got time for breakfast?'
I've got a bus to catch and then
three miserable transfers.
Yeah, and I have minutes
of pedaling uphill.
Yeah, but see, I just made this
real special breakfast.
There's waffles and bacon.
- 'Sorry.'
- 'Bye.'
You know, that's real
thoughtful of you, Abby.
But I can't be late
for homeroom.
And it's a long walk.
Did somebody say waffles?
Oh, yeah. R-right
in the kitchen, all you want.
And there's sausage
and there's bacon.
Oh, I'd love to,
but you know how carpools are.
Last one in
has to sit on the hump.
'See you tonight. Bye.'
Bye.
(Larry)
'Hey, Susan.'
Hey, Larry. Hi.
Hey, what's wrong?
I haven't heard from you.
I've been real busy.
Listen, uh, you didn't sell
your car, did you?
Hey, sell my MG?
Are you kidding?
But I didn't see it
in the parking lot.
It's in the garage.
Oh, no.
An accident?
Uh-uh. It just needs some work,
you know, some adjustments.
You know how finicky
those cars are.
Well, that's a relief.
- I hope you get it fixed soon.
- Yeah, me too.
That's why I've got every
available person working on it.
- Super. Uh, British Mechanics?
- Uh, oh, I'll see ya.
Uh, I'm in the book.
- That's Phenton with a--
- Yeah, with a PH. I know.
Phew!
Oh, hi, Harvey, uh,
what's in the cup?
The essence of Sacramento's
culture, emptiness.
I need coffee, Bradford.
What happened to the coffee
in the dramatic department?
This backwater rag doesn't pay
its unappreciated
dramatic department
though nevertheless
outstanding dramatic department
enough money to afford coffee.
Well, aren't you
being a little overdramatic?
In Sacramento, only I decide
what's overdramatic.
This stuff is the acme
of repulsiveness.
Oh, that's funny. It was fine
when we made it yesterday.
Witty.
So, what's happening these days
among your plethora
of offspring?
Well, it will warm
your black heart to know
that you're going to have
another Bradford to kick around.
Because my daughter Joannie
has just joined
the Sacramento Repertory
Company.
One of my favorite targets.
Let's see, they're attempting
"Medea", aren't they?
What role does she play?
Cinderella.
Only in Sacramento
would they add Cinderella
to the cast of "Medea."
(Tom)
'You know what I mean, Harvey.
She's the company apprentice.'
She's going to sweep the floors,
and help build the sets
and sew the costumes.
Well, starting at the bottom
builds character.
No one knows that
better than you, Bradford.
[chuckles]
Don't you ever have anything
kind to say about anyone?
I think Olivia did
a respectable job with "Hamlet."
[speaking foreign language]
Oui oui.
Hey, everybody,
here's the program.
Hot off the presses.
Alright, come on.
Hey, here's the program.
Turned out great.
We're all in it.
- Here.
- Joannie!
- What?
- Leave.
What's wrong?
Why can't you follow
simple instructions?
Didn't I tell you that Dianna is
spelt with two N's not one.
- Oh, Dianna. I'm sorry.
- She's sorry.
She's been sorry since
the first day of rehearsal.
(Richard)
'Let's go, people.'
We're running very late now.
And I wanna run through
the second act
one more time before we break.
So, places please.
Okay, programs?
Anybody for programs?
Anybody? Alright, come now.
Darling, could we wait a minute
while I take a look
at the script?
Okay, oh, oh,
your script, Dianna.
I-I have it, um,
it's right over here, um..
And, uh, here, here is
the scene. It's right here.
And Jason enters right there.
Yes, the wrong scene.
Typical.
- Oh, oh, alright.
- Just don't.
I can get it, please.
I don't believe this.
What are you going to do next?
- Sorry.
- Get away from me.
(Richard)
'Hey, lighten up, Dianna.'
Forget it,
and let me handle this.
I'm sorry, Dianna.
I am truly sorry.
I repent for all my sins
but I am not here
to cater to your every whim.
And I'm tired of being treated
like your little hand maiden.
(Richard)
Alright, that's enough,
that's enough.
Can we get on with the scene?
We haven't finished
this one yet, darling.
Listen, honey,
you've got a lot to learn
'starting with respect.'
Listen, that's enough, Dianna.
Leave it alone.
I told you,
I don't work with amateurs.
I am doing this show
as a favor to you
'and look what I get?
One foul up after another.'
- Dianna.
- No, I am sick of your excuses.
I've had it.
You can find yourself
another Medea.
I am through!
Dianna?
Dianna, wait a minute.
Be reasonable.
Dianna, you can't walk out now.
Terrific, we're closed
before we open.
Oh, my first job
and I destroy the show.
Oh, don't worry, Joannie.
Come on, it was..
She's just temperamental.
- I know, but I--
- Don't worry, honey.
- She'll be back.
- Oh, ugh!
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
Thanks for giving
a kid a break.
Too bad, she blew it.
Joannie.
Ah, I'm sorry, Richard.
Uh, it won't happen again.
- Um, I'm leaving.
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, I..
- Dianna's gone.
She's probably half way
to San Francisco by now.
She's temperamental,
and she's unprofessional.
Now, I'm not exactly thrilled,
but I don't have a choice.
You're going on as Medea.
Me!
No! I can't!
I can't! I haven't even
looked at the lines.
You better get on it, kiddo,
because you have about..
...twenty-seven hours before
you face the audience.
[dramatic music]
[kettle whistling]
[dog barking]
Joannie, is this a fire drill?
"Shall I burn
their house with fire
or stealing past unseen
to Jason's bed s*ab.."
[screams]
Mary, what are you doing up?
I was gonna ask you
the same question, Joannie
but when I came in here,
you were not exactly up.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I've had six cups of coffee.
I thought this stuff was
supposed to keep you awake.
Unh-unh.
The only time that
that stuff keeps you awake
is when you wanna got to sleep.
What are you doing up, anyway?
Dianna Donley quit.
I'm playing the lead.
Well, that's great.
Aren't you excited or anything?
Hmm.
At o'clock in the morning,
this is as excited as I get.
[chuckles]
Besides I don't really
feel good about it.
- Why?
- Oh.
If it hadn't been
for my mistakes
Dianna would still be Medea.
[yawning]
I feel sleepy.
It's not a bad idea.
You know, maybe subconsciously..
...I was trying to sabotage her
performance so she would quit.
Joannie, this is not
a time to be Freudian.
You will do fine, okay?
Yeah. I better learn my lines.
You will. You know, there's,
there's plenty of time, um..
It's o'clock now,
and you go on at :.
That gives you..., hours.
No, try hours.
I'd rather try
to get some sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep that knits up
the raveled sleeve of care.
Oh, wrong play.
[chuckling]
I have a blade,
keen for that.
And s*ab!
Rest to breast the wedding pair.
Hey, we heard the great news.
How's the cramming?
It's terrible.
I can't remember one k*lling
from one scene to the next.
Medea kills people?
Uh, does she? First, there's
her brother at the Absyrtus.
She k*lled her brother?
Obviously, justifiable homicide.
And then she k*lled Pelias
and King Creon's daughter.
King Creon himself,
and then her own children.
Ew, she kills her own children?
Does dad know
you're doing this trash?
Nah, he left
before I could tell him.
Besides, you know after
playing a nude scene
how can he complain
if I play a m*rder*r?
A m*rder*r? You b*at the rap?
I don't remember.
Wait, now I don't remember
anything.
Oh, no. Well, it's a blatant
conflict of interest.
Your daughter won't even
be on stage.
But she built the set,
she swept the floor.
How can I be objective?
Don't review the floor.
Bradford, I wouldn't ask
if I weren't in a bind.
My son reserved a camp site
and everything.
How can I tell him
the weekend's off
because his father has to review
the Sacramento
Respiratory Company.
I'll tell your son. That's
easier than reviewing "Medea."
Look at it this way.
Aren't you always complaining
about how I pan everything?
Well, here's your chance
to turn the tables on me.
Well, I would be
more open-minded.
- Then you'll do it.
- I can't.
- I'm way behind on my columns.
- I'll take one off your hands.
You write my review,
I'll write your column.
Something to amuse
all four of your readers.
A trade?
(Harvey)
'Take advantage of my offer,
Bradford.'
Astounded your fans.
Let me introduce them
to words of three syllables.
It might be fun
to astound your fans
by introducing them to something
cheerful, for a change.
Listen, if you can find
anything nice
to say about the Sacramento
Respiratory Theater
I'll find something nice
to say about your coffee.
[speaking foreign language]
Gesundheit.
Hey, Tommy, Abby's called
a summer conference
in the dining room, come on!
[imitating Medea]
"Oh! What misery!
What wretchedness! What.."
What is the next line?
Hey, Medea, Abby's called
a dining room meeting.
You coming?
I see a sl*ve of Jason's coming.
Right.
[imitating Medea]
"I love the old way best.
The simple way of poison."
Joannie!
Forget her,
she's too busy k*lling people.
Hey, Susan.
Do you think Abby's ready
to negotiate about her car?
Who knows?
Maybe she's seen the light.
If she hasn't seen the light,
I'll never..
- "I'll never," what?
- Never mind.
So where's Joannie?
Uh, Act three, scene one.
Okay, we're gonna
start without her.
[clears throat]
Okay.
Now, I understand
that there's a movement afoot
to liberate my car.
- 'Well--'
- A-Abby, we can explain--
(Abby)
Now, there's no need to,
I understand your position.
'I mean, now,
we are short of cars.'
And it's, uh, really, it makes
no sense for one family member
to monopolize
a family possession.
You're absolutely
right about that.
On the other hand,
I do not like it
when people go behind my back.
In fact, it infuriates me.
So, in the future,
if you want something from me
you will come to me first.
And we will call that,
"Abby's Law."
Now, with respect to
the use of, um, my car
um, I agree to relinquish
autonomous control
but we're gonna do it
on my terms, you know
and if I am to
trust you with my car
I wanna be absolutely
certain I can trust you.
So as you can see, I've made up
a small list of rules.
Take one, please,
turn to page one
and follow me to the driveway.
Okay, rule number one,
is about starting the car.
Now, you make sure
the car is in neutral.
You understand neutral,
on the gear stick, okay?
And you turn on the key.
The key? I think
I'm lost, already.
(Abby)
Okay, now, pull out
the manual choke.
And then you pull out
the starter button
and you depress
the accelerator, three beats.
[snapping]
Stop. Three beats.
[snapping]
Stop.
Until you start the car, okay?
Rule number two,
is about the clutch.
"You make sure
you pump the clutch once
before holding it down
to put it into gear."
You got that?
- Uh-huh.
- Okay, good.
Now, rule number three, "What to
feel for while shifting."
"What to feel for
while shifting?"
[clears throat]
Rule number three, what to feel
for while shifting.
- Oh.
- We get it.
"Rule number , the oil
pressure should always be at
"while driving at a normal
speed, and while idling.
"Rule number ,
report to me immediately
if anything goes wrong
with my car."
Well, Susan, I guess
you're the only one
who was serious
about Gwendolyn.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
So, can I borrow it tonight?
- That was quick.
- I'm quick study.
Yeah, I guess it's okay.
[gasps]
I'm not home,
and you haven't even seen me.
Nicholas Bradford,
what are you doing?
- I'm not home!
- But..
Hello, are you Mrs. Bradford?
Yes, I am. Can I help you?
My name is Andrea Cuddlesworth.
I'm the one who lets Nicholas
peek at my spelling. Is he home?
Well, he's, um..
Oh, well, Andrea,
he's not in the house.
Oh, that's right, Andrea.
Nicholas is not in the house
at the present moment.
He sure is a hard person
to get a hold of.
He sure is.
See, he's very busy.
Can I give him a message?
Just tell him
I came by to see him.
And I sort of have something
real important to tell him.
Okay, I'll be glad to.
Thank you very much.
It was very nice meeting you.
Goodbye!
Bye.
Is the coast clear?
Nicholas Bradford,
I don't understand you.
She seems like
a very nice little girl.
And yeah,
why can't you stand her?
Well, I could stand her
if she moved away.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
That's right, Larry, we found
the mechanical problem.
I am supercharged
and ready to roll.
Pick you up at
Alright.
Alright!
Oh.
Well, now I get it.
He must be something
very special
with all the trouble
you've gone through.
Hey, don't knock it, Nancy.
Abby has placed in my hand
the most powerful man trap
since the invention of cleavage.
[cheering]
I don't believe this.
I am not nervous.
[sighs]
I'm not nervous.
Good.
I'm telling myself a lie.
- What am I gonna do?
- You're gonna be a smash.
[horn blaring]
There's my ride.
Okay. Bye-bye.
No, no, there.
Okay, good luck, Joannie.
- Break a leg, okay?
- Oh, dad, hi.
Uh, just a minute. Dad, guess
what, I'm playing the lead.
- See you later.
- W-what's that all about?
Oh, it's wonderful news.
Joannie's playing Medea.
Oh.
Guess who's playing
Medea's critic?
How can I judge
my own daughter in public?
Dad, you're a journalist.
You were trained
to be objective.
Maybe you could write the review
under an assumed name?
A Bradford review by any other
name is still a Bradford review.
Can we go inside now?
Nicholas, I didn't
realized you were
that excited about Greek drama.
It's just that I don't
like being out in the open.
I'm a good mark for
Andrea Bloodhound.
Come on, Nicholas,
she wouldn't look for you here.
Don't bet on it.
Alright, alright.
Go, go.
[tire screeching]
I can't get over this car.
It's like riding
in a Grand Prix.
Uh, Larry, at the Grand Prix
you don't have a real life girl
sitting next to you.
You have no idea
what this does to me.
I mean,
look at the wood dash.
Those gauges.
Feel this leather interior.
Uh, Larry,
we're at the restaurant.
We're gonna eat.
Remember? Au Pied de Couchon.
The most intimate
French restaurant in town.
Let's go.
I know this dynamite place over
on the Westside.
They still have curb service.
We wouldn't have to
get out of the car.
Larry.
Come on, come on, come on..
[sighs heavily]
[Joannie imitating Medea]
'...counsel, ere the strain
of exile fall'
some comfort for these twain
mine innocents, since..
Since..
Since..
Since others take no thought--
Since others take no thought
it seems, to save the babes
that they begot.
No. No.
'This doom is
passed beyond recall.'
[sighs]
Oh, mwah, that was so good.
It's gone.
Oh, I knew, we should have
gone to the drive-in.
Oh, no,
this isn't happening to me.
- No, unh-unh.
- Well, there goes the evening.
There goes the evening?
There goes my life!
Well, what do you want?
They're valuable cars.
Sooner or later,
it was bound to get ripped off.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Car Expert.
A lot of help, you are.
(Larry)
'Well, you're insured,
aren't you?'
Oh, how do I know?
It's not even my car.
Huh?
What do you mean,
it's not your car?
- Did you steal it too?
- Oh, hush.
Man, how do I find
these crazy chicks?
Okay, okay, relax.
Now, what would an independent
intelligent woman do
under these circumstances?
Keep calm.
Keep clear head.
[sobbing]
And call David.
Jason, go home.
Thy wife waits to be buried.
[laughs]
Thy words upon
the wind are cast.
[laughs]
From w.. From whence to man
'strange dooms be given.'
Past hope or fear
and the end men
looked for cometh not
a path is there
where no man thought.
(in unison)
So hath it fallen.
[applause]
Nicholas, wake up.
Come on. Let's go.
[sighs]
This reminds me of
that scene in "Citizen Kane"
when everybody's waiting
for Joseph Cotten's review.
"Citizen Kane"
is Joannie's favorite movie.
- Kind of ironic.
- Really.
Well, Nicholas is all tucked in.
- Susan back, yet?
- Uh, no. Not yet.
Boy!
Dad sure has been
going at it in there.
Must be a pretty long review.
Well, when you're
destroying someone
you don't
send him a telegram.
Um, I'll make some coffee, okay?
'Cause it's, uh, looks like
it's gonna be a long night.
Okay.
Mary, was Joannie that bad?
Well, she would've been bad,
if she'd remembered her lines.
But as it was, she was
nothing short of disastrous.
Well, I still think
dad will go easy on her.
What odds do you want?
Oh, come on, dad's gotta
feel sorry for her.
Sure, dad's always had
a soft spot for Joannie.
Forget it.
He'll waste her.
(Mary)
'Hi.'
[door closes]
- Where's Abby?
- In the kitchen.
(Mary)
'Susan, what happened?'
Why is everybody sitting here?
You don't wanna know.
- Abby?
- Oh, Susan.
I'm so glad to see you.
So how did it go? How did it go?
- Oh, I've had better dates.
- Yeah?
Well, uh,
there wasn't anything wrong
with the shifting, was there?
- Oh, no, it shifted great.
- Oh, good.
Well, how,
how about the starter?
It did, it didn't
grinded it, oh.
No, no, everything
went just fine
until she was stolen.
Did you just say
my car was stolen?
'Tom! Tom!'
[knocks frantically]
Tom, my car was stolen.
Good, now I won't have to pay
all those repair bills.
[grunting]
How can you be so.. Oh.
Hey, Abby,
I just called the police.
They're looking
for Gwendolyn now.
- Uh.
- Abby, it'll be alright.
They'll find her.
I hope so.
A-Abby, I-I promise
I'll never use your car again.
There may not be
much choice, huh?
Oh, boy.
'Reception committee.'
Alright, alright,
don't make me feel bad
by saying something sweet.
No offence, Joannie,
but we weren't going to.
Nice lie wouldn't hurt.
Well, try telling that
to honest Tom Brad.
Oh, Joannie, I-I thought
I heard your voice.
Would you mind
stepping inside for a moment?
Sure.
Um, what's going on?
Yeah?
What I have to say...
is very difficult.
Well, dad, I know,
I-I know it, dad.
I was terrible.
And I let you down,
I know, I know.
It's just that I wasn't prepared
to go on tonight. That's all.
Well, you don't,
you don't understand.
No, dad,
you don't have to say it.
I know it, um..
I mean, I was bad,
and then that's it.
I mean, I was,
I was really lucky though
because the critic from the
Sacramento Register didn't come.
- So, at least, you know--
- Well, he was there.
Oh, no, dad, the director
said that he--
Take it from me,
he was there.
I reviewed the play.
You?
Why?
It's a long story.
The important thing is
when I agree to do it
I-I thought that you were
building sets and sweeping.
And I found out
that you were starring
and it was too late, I..
And I was reviewed?
As honestly
as I can review you.
I, uh..
I want you to read it.
Okay.
[clears throat]
"As a father, I was dazzled..
"...dazzled..
"...tonight, by the performance
of my daughter, Joannie.
"I was awarded
the rare opportunity
"to watch one of
my children face
"an extremely difficult
challenge.
"She met it bravely
and independently.
"I sat glued to my seat
"wishing I could help.
"Knowing I was powerless
"but proud, so very proud
'"that she'd shown
the fortitude
"and determination
that is the hallmark
of the true professional."
"True professional?"
Thanks, dad.
That's really beautiful.
I meant every word of it.
I'm glad you like it.
It's yours to keep.
Unfortunately..
...this one written by
an objective critic is the one
that's going in
the Sacramento Register.
And now as a, an objective
coward, I'm...leaving.
What happened?
Is she crushed?
(Joannie)
'Oh, dad!'
[chuckling]
Ms. Bradford round the gamut
of emotions from A to B.
How could she be laughing
at an insult like that?
That's the compliment,
the insults are coming.
(Joannie)
'Oh. Oh.'
Well, it's getting kinda late
I think we should all
get to sleep.
That's a good idea.
Tom, what are we gonna do
about my car?
- What about your car?
- I told you, it was stolen.
- You mean, you weren't kidding?
- No.
I thought you were just trying
to flush me out of the study.
No, joke, dad,
her car was really stolen.
Uh, dad, I'll make it up to her
if it takes a hundred years.
What good would that do?
In a years,
there won't be any gasoline.
[phone rings]
- Hello.
- Susan, how could you do that?
Yeah, she's here.
Oh, really, that's great.
Well, sure, yeah,
first thing in the morning.
Okay, I'll tell her. Bye-bye.
Now, the first thing that we
have to do is to call a police.
Tom, we already
called the police.
Dad, that was the police.
Abby, they found
your car and it's okay.
- What?
- Where did they find it?
(Elizabeth)
'About five blocks
from the restaurant.'
Would you believe
they ran out of gas
and they caught the crooks
looking for an open gas station.
It's okay?
Now, I remember
what it was. I forgot.
What?
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
rule number .
The gas gauge doesn't work.
(everybody)
Oh!
Oh, you guys, all,
please do me a favor
and just forget that whole--
No problem with me.
- Sure you want us to do that?
- Please, dad.
Oh, except for this last part
in your review.
This part is good, okay?
"Although Ms. Bradford
was slowsome as Medea
"the scenery
was skillfully built
and the entire theater
was delightfully swept."
Bravo.
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
Well, Tom, what do you
think of the column
that Harvey copied?
A real change of pace.
He panned
Yosemite National Park.
[laughs]
Hey, Susan, you never
told us about your big date.
Uh, Larry Phinton, with a P-H.
That guy has got
a one cylinder mind.
Looks like
it's back to cleavage.
- Uh, good luck.
- Uh.
[phone rings]
I'll get it.
Hello.
Uh, just a minute,
I'll see if he's home.
Nicholas, it's that
little girl, again.
Tell her I'm not home.
Nicholas, what did I tell you?
No more cover-ups.
Come on.
- Be nice, Nicholas.
- You can handle it.
(Nancy)
'Give it to her, Nicholas.'
[laughs]
Hello?
Yeah, this is Nicholas.
Okay, anything you say.
Bye.
- Well, what did she say?
- Did she ask you to go steady?
Yeah, she must like guys
that play hard to get, huh?
What did she wanna
tell you all this time?
She told me to
blow it out my ears.
[laughing]
[theme music]