03x10 - w*r Between the Bradfords

[bunniefuu]

(Joannie)

'We'll show that

Kenny P. Landers.'

Yeah, we'll show him.

Yeah, he won't push us

around anymore, huh?

Yeah, wait until I tell him my

big sister is gonna b*at him up.

Uh, no, Nicholas.

That's not the idea.

Listen, after I give you

a few lessons, you'll be able to

handle that Kenny P. Landers

with one hand.

All by yourself.

I'd rather watch you

handle him with both hands.

- No, Nicholas.

- But you said us.

That's just trainer's talk.

You can't have other people

fight your battles.

- Why not?

- 'People won't respect you.'

Will they respect me

if Kenny P. Landers

clobbers me again?

Well, we'll just have to make

sure that you clobber him first.

Uh, uh, alright.

Lay on in there.

Come on. Let's go, baby.

Let's go. Let's go.

Ah.

It hurt.

I got a better idea.

Maybe you should

teach me to run fast.

[chuckling]

Come on, come on.

Where's the champ, huh?

Huh? Huh?

[theme song]

♪ There's a magic

in the early morning ♪

♪ We've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪

♪ On everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪

♪ We spend our days ♪

♪ Like bright and shiny

new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪

♪ By the changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Abby.

Abby.

They say that

we owe them $.

Oh, I-I know.

You know that we owe Western

Furniture Gallery $?

Well, so do you, it's for

this desk that you bought me

because you wanted me

to stay away from yours.

"A man's desk is his castle."

Oh, and it bothered you so much

that you went out

and spent $?

No, of course not.

It should be

a hundred forty dollars.

The computer

added an extra zero.

Alright, so the computer slipped

a disc but I still think

we should do something about it.

They are threatening

to repossess.

I was waiting for them

to bill us correctly.

I call them every week.

You call?

Abby, this is a place

of business.

When they hear a women voice

they think they can give her

the run around.

- Is that so?

- 'Yes.'

We have to show them

that they're not dealing

with some hysterical housewife.

'Remind me to call them up

in the morning.'

'I'll fix it all up.'

Well, maybe I should

have Tommy or David

remind you in a man's voice.

Now, what did I say

that was wrong?

Oh, just about everything.

Wait, play this one next.

Okay, Tommy?

Okay.

Uh, since when have

you two guys been

sharing a record collection?

Oh, since el cheapo here

noticed the two of us

were wasting money by buying

the same albums twice.

Oh, this is great one

right here, Mary.

It's the new album from

"Oedipus And The Mothers."

Frankly, Tommy, that name

just gives me a complex.

[instrumental music]

Pretty catchy, huh? Stick

around, you're gonna like it.

No, thanks. I'll pass.

Actually, Tommy, I came here

to ask you something.

If it's about

Abby's speech tonight

you're wasting your breath.

It's time to rock 'n' roll.

[music continues]

Tommy!

[chuckles]

And-and you wanna drive

all alone to Glacier Lake

and rent a cabin

for the weekend?

And that's it,

that's all that you want?

- You mean, you don't mind?

- Of course, I mind.

It's dangerous,

it's remote and--

- And what, dad?

- And expensive.

That's it.

It's too expensive.

Wait a minute, dad.

David gets to go camping

whenever he likes.

Wait, dad, don't say it.

David is different.

That's right.

David pays his own way.

Oh, come on, dad.

There it is again.

Same old smoke screen.

David's not a daughter.

David's got a job.

Oh, I've had jobs.

That's the problem. You've had

six jobs in the last two months.

For which I was

badly over qualified.

Now, look, when you can get

three consecutive

pay checks, we'll talk.

Right now, can we change this

subject before we ruin this

lunch that you're buying me?

Now, let' see.

What should I have?

Whatever you can afford, dad.

Whatever I can afford? I thought

you were taking me to lunch.

Oh, you're not suggesting that

two helpless females

pay for a man's meal.

I'll have a jumbo salad.

Yeah, and I'll have

a steak and lobster.

I still must be

saying something wrong.

[lawn mower whirring]

Tommy!

Tommy!

Look, Tommy.

Can't you reconsider? This is

gonna be a big evening for Abby.

We should all be there with her.

Look, it's only a speech.

No, really.

It's more than that.

I mean, being

the keynote speaker

of Women's Week Open House

is a, is a big honor.

Abby was hand chosen

by the school board.

Yeah, and I was hand chosen

to mow this lawn

which is making me too tired

to go anywhere tonight.

Tommy, you know, you're gonna be

the only member of this family

that won't be there

to cheer her.

Yeah, I wouldn't cheer, anyway.

If a bunch of females get off on

listening to speeches about how

equal they are, then that's

fine, but I'm not interested.

Oh, boy,

I never realized before.

You are a sexist!

No, in this house

I'm just a member

of a downtrodden minority.

Now get out of my way

and let me sl*ve.

[lawn mower whirring]

That rotten David.

- Why blame him, Susan?

- But why not?

Look, I resent the fact

that dad lets David

have a life of his own

but not us.

It's because David

can pay for what he wants.

Uh-huh, it's because

David's male.

We could take care ourselves

at Glacier. It's not fair.

Well, if you just

wanna sit around

feeling sorry for yourself..

Oh, now, what's that

supposed to mean?

It means, Susan, I just heard

the eloquent Tom Bradford

paint himself

right into a corner.

- Huh?

- Well.

He didn't say

we couldn't take the cabin

he just said

we couldn't pay for it.

Well, that's not what he meant.

I know. But that's what he said.

And I, for one, am gonna

make him stick to it.

- How?

- 'By getting a good job.'

That will pay for the trip.

And by calling dad's bluff.

Never happen. Behind that

financial smoke screen

lurks the real Tom Bradford.

Nancy, our dad's a chauvinist.

If that's the way

you wanna look at it, fine.

But I will send you a

post card from Glacier Lake.

See ya.

Good luck.

[instrumental music]

Ahem. Ahem.

Excuse me.

What is it, sweetheart?

Key to the restroom,

or courteous free directions?

No, no, I-I, um, uh, well..

Squeak a little louder, will ya?

I can't hear ya.

The job.

I'd like to apply for the job.

Ooh.

Hi.

What is this? A gag?

No, no. It's a job.

I need a job.

And the sign says

it pays four dollars an hour?

I know what it pays.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Something tells me

it just wouldn't work out.

Like what?

Like your high heels,

your skirt and your nail polish.

I'm looking for a gas jockey

here, honey.

What am I gonna do with a knock

out girl who can stop traffic?

Forget it.

Hey!

You're hired.

You mean it?

Well, come to think of it

we could use some more

traffic around here.

Sure. Why not?

You know, I gotta

broaden my horizons.

- Keep in step with the time.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

You're not gonna regret this.

You know, I really

appreciate an employer

who believes

in equal opportunity.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, let me

tell you something, kid.

There's nobody

in the gas biz who believes

more in opportunity

than your friend here, Artie.

Thanks.

Now, you sure you don't mind?

Because if you do, I can march

right upstairs and put on a tie.

Listen, Tom, if you

don't wanna go, I understand.

- Well, it was a tiring day--

- Is Nicholas ready yet?

Uh-oh, you're changing the

subject that means you're mad.

Who's mad? You've had a long

day, you must be exhausted.

Exactly.

Maybe before we leave,

I should help you to the couch.

Oh, now you just

gave me the harpoon

that means you're really angry--

I'm not angry, Tom.

I'm just.. I'm hurt.

I mean, I know you don't like

speeches and I know this is

a long speech,

but it is my speech

and-and I hope you'd at least

be interested to hear

what I had to say.

Oh, is that all

that's bothering you?

- Yes, Tom, that's all.

- Well, I know what you said.

I read your speech last night.

- And?

- And? And it was nice.

It was good, it was well

constructed. Good style.

And it didn't have

any of the, the usual

uh, grammar problems,

you know and syntax.

Why're you looking at me

like that?

Why do all of a sudden

I fear for my life?

You looked it over for mistakes.

Oh, no. Not exactly.

It's just that I-I was

interested in you.

I-I-I like you.

You're so nice.

But it lacked the logic

and incisiveness of a, of a

Mr. Tom Bradford article,

is that it?

You said that.

I didn't say that.

That's right. I said that.

But I'm through talking.

Is Nicholas ready yet?

Excuse me.

How could you?

Wasn't easy.

- Ow!

- Nicholas.

Nicholas, what's wrong?

What's happening?

- Are you okay?

- Oh, it hurts.

Where does it hurt?

Well, I think

it's my appendicyclis.

Your appendicyclis?

Your appendix, Nicholas,

is down here.

Oh, oh.

Well, you know how the pain

travels a lot, you know?

Mm-hmm. So when did this start?

You were okay at dinner.

Dinner?

Dinner was my big mistake.

So I guess this means you won't

be going with us tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Talk about your rotten luck.

Rotten.

Guess I'll see you later.

- Bye.

- 'Bye.'

[phone rings]

Alright.

Nicholas isn't coming.

Let's go.

- What's with Nicholas?

- His appendix burst.

- What?

- Oh, don't worry.

It'll unburst as soon

as the girls and I leave.

- Oh.

- That was David that called.

He's got a hot card game

and won't be joining us.

Well, look,

I'll go up and change.

Oh, just forget it, Tom.

I'll not be patronized.

For now I just wanna

get out of here before

I say something you'll regret.

But, Abby, I-I..

She's not listening.

Why are they angry?

They're angry too.

I can't figure these women out.

I'm tired.

Abby, you'll never guess

who I had lunch with today.

Uh, no. But that's close.

It was Nancy and Susan.

They took me to this restaurant

down on Laird Street

a steak house.

Oh, yeah. Thank you. It was very

good, very tasty, you know.

Cute isn't going to work.

Uh, listen, Abby, I-I didn't

get over to the furniture store

but I'll get around

to it tomorrow.

You didn't happen to hear

from them, did you?

Oh, that's good. No reason

to bother you with it.

Oh, no. Not the door.

[door slams]

She's getting

very good at that.

Abby was so depressed

that the guys didn't show up.

I mean, besides that speech

she didn't say a word

all evening.

Oh, I don't blame her a bit.

And Tommy is the worst. He's

so obnoxious, so insensitive.

Tommy? What about David?

She lost him

to a card game with the boys.

- Oh, yeah.

- The rooster party.

Now, supposing that tonight

instead of Abby

it was dad being honored.

What do you think

the chances would be that

one of us would get out of it?

- Slender.

- Right.

It's much easier

to take women for granted

than it is to treat

them with dignity.

Aren't we being

just a bit over sensitive?

Wrong.

The problem is

we've been under sensitive

to the sexist structure

of this family.

Yeah and the question is,

what are we gonna do about it?

Oh, don't tell me you guys

are still sitting around

feeling sorry for yourselves.

We're not guys, Nance.

You know something,

I do not understand you.

Doesn't it bother you

that dad won't

let you go to Glacier Lake.

Well, sure it does, Mary.

But instead of complaining,

at least

I went out and did

something about it.

Gosh, Mary,

you know, I really thought

you'd be proud of me.

Proud of you, for what?

Well, I'm the first women ever

to work at Artie's Octaline

Gas Station.

Don't you see guys?

I'm a barrier breaker.

Oh, and that's why

you took the job, right?

To strike a blow for feminism.

No, actually I took the job

because of the money.

Yeah. That's more like it.

[laughs]

Well, at least I do have

the satisfaction of knowing

I didn't get this job

simply because I was a women.

I got it because, uh, Artie

thinks I'm very intelligent.

And, uh, more than

capable of doing the job.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, gosh!

- Oh.

- What for?

Oh, this thingamajig got stuck

and I split gas

all over your car.

Relax, don't worry.

I'll take care of it later.

What time do you get off work?

Well, if my boss catches you

doing this for me

it maybe

in the next ten seconds.

Terrific. I'll drive you home.

Thank you.

[engine starts]

(Mary)

'Can you believe that?'

(David)

'Ha ha. Frankly, no.'

I think the only thing

Nancy knows about a car

is that the rear-view mirror

is too small to do your hair by.

I should have known

you'd be totally blind

to her exploitation.

Exploi.. What?

David would you

open your eyes for once.

Look at that clod Artie

is using her a sex symbol

to push

his air polluting gasoline.

- I'm gonna straighten him out.

- No.

- You wanna get her in trouble?

- No, dummy.

- I'm trying to save her.

- Just calm down.

[horn blaring]

Oh, hi, guys.

Hey, thanks for comin'.

Want me to fill her up?

Nancy, do you know

what you're doing?

Yeah, I'm making

four dollars an hour

if I could get

some cooperation around here.

Exactly what I'm trying

to tell Mary.

You know, you don't even care

for your, your own sister here

suffers in dignity

and degradation.

Hey, could you argue later guys.

I've got other customers.

- Come on, Mary. Let her work.

- Yeah.

This is not work.

This is sexist depression.

And the only reason you don't

see that David Bradford

is because

you're one of oppressors.

[laughs]

I suppose I oppressed you

into a free ride.

That's a cheap sh*t.

- You calling me cheap?

- Among other things. Yes!

- Oh, really?

- 'Yeah.'

Well, I guess you'll have a lot

of time to think about all those

other things

while you're walking home.

- While I'm doing what?

- Oh, David.

- Get out. Enough of that.

- Get out?

Are you serious?

Darn you, David Bradford.

Who the heck were they?

Never saw 'em

before in my life.

Sheesh!

There's more creeps

comin' in here everyday.

Th-the billing problem

can be solved.

Oh, yes, you just come down here

and ask for me, Mr. Allen.

Right, n-now, I-I really must

go. I've a customer waiting.

Yes, thank you.

Um-hmm, bye.

Now, what can I do

for you, Mr. Brandon?

I..

No, no, no. It's Bradford.

You charged me $ for a desk.

Oh, that's impossible.

We have no, uh, $ desks.

Exactly. Y-you over billed me

ten times the actual amount.

I-I have the sales slip

right here.

Ah-uh!

[laughs]

I see it now.

Naughty, naughty computer.

Yes. Naughty, naughty, indeed.

You know, it's not like

I'm a new customer

I'm still payin' you off

for my living room set.

We appreciate your coming down

to clarify this, Mr. Brandon.

No, no, no. It's, it's Bradford.

I'm sorry I took so long

I shouldn't have delegated

the responsibility.

But I have here

a check for $.

Now, if you could just use

that to have a man to man talk

with your naughty,

naughty computer.

I think we can both go

about our business.

- You know, Mr. Bradford.

- Right.

I'd like to thank you for being

so sensible and coming to

the heart of the matter,

usually I have only

hysterical housewives

to deal with.

I know what you mean, don't take

it personally but, uh

there is a lot of that

going on these days.

- Uh, thank you.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, no!

Joannie!

- Look at my shirt.

- Hey, not bad.

But I wouldn't have bought one

with a burn in it.

I'll take . plus tax

that the shirt cost

and a apology

to go with it, Joannie.

Oh, you will, huh?

Only a dimwit could do this.

Next time

why don't you day dream

while you're ironing

your own shirts, will you?

Oh, boy.

Young Prince Tommy the II, huh?

Oh, go ahead, call me names.

All I'm asking is that you

guys respect a guys property.

What about respecting

a woman's feelings, huh?

We're talking about my shirt.

I don't even understand

what your feelings

have to do with it.

Boy, you sure don't.

I'll tell you something, Tommy

until you do you can

just iron your own shirts.

Alright.

This is boring, and who is this

Humpty Bogart, anyway.

Humphrey, Nicholas,

not Humpty, Humphrey.

Well, who is he?

If you be quiet and watch

this set, you might find out.

But I wanna watch

the basketball game.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Miss the end of the movie

just so you can watch

your dumb basket ball game.

I need some hands

to set the table.

They don't have

to be large hands

and they don't

have to be female.

[sighs]

Can't you take a hint?

What hint?

Abby needs help in the kitchen.

Oh, good, then I'll be alone

to watch the basketball game.

No, Nicholas, just this once,

we're not gonna do it your way.

'There were other people

in this family'

'and I'm not moving

until this movie is over.'

Hey, where's

the basketball game?

Yeah, alright.

I can't believe this.

(Abby)

'I don't believe this.'

'David can hang his jacket

anywhere in this house'

'and he chooses the floor.'

Because he knows

you'll pick it up.

But he never used to do that.

Elizabeth, is this

just my imagination

or lately have the guys

been treating us like, uh..

Like second class citizens?

No, actually I was

thinking of third class.

No, it's not your imagination

and we're all getting

pretty angry about it.

Oh, when did things get

so outta hand around here?

Why am I picking this up?

I'm just gonna see

how long it sits there.

Hello.

I saw David's van outside.

Does that mean

the game has started?

Tom, this is a chair.

It's not a closet hook

or hanger.

Chairs are for people,

not jackets.

This is a jacket.

There's a place for jackets

and we both know

where that place is.

Alright, alright.

You made your point.

Hmm, I hope so.

I think she should

have to pay for it.

Yeah, you're right.

See, Nicholas agrees with me.

- Whippy doo.

- Yeah, big deal.

You know, I think

you oughta pay me

for ironing your shirts

week after week, that's what.

- Really!

- Excuse me.

There is a TV set on here.

- Oh, big deal, David.

- Watch in your own house.

You rotten creep.

You talking to me?

Do you see any other

rotten creeps in this room?

Yeah, I could name one.

(Mary)

Two and a half miles.

David do you know the last time

that I have walked

two and a half miles?

(Joannie)

'Why'd you've to do that, Mary?'

He knows. And I'm waiting for

an apology for me and Nancy.

Well, then you have a long wait

because you don't deserve one

and Nancy didn't ask for one.

Is that right?

David, I found something

of yours in the kitchen.

[indistinct chatter]

Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

While I have my suspicions,

I would still like to know

what this is all about.

Respect, dignity,

courtesy, fairness..

And it's about time

the men in this family got some.

[indistinct chattering]

Stop the yelling!

Stop the yelling!

There will be no yelling in

this house, do you understand?

Now, that's better.

Abby and I are

going out to dinner.

Now, try to behave like

ladies and gentlemen, alright?

And in our absence,

I don't want anything

but courtesy, calm and quiet.

- Courtesy?

- Calm.

Quiet.

I knew I could count on you.

[indistinct chatter]

Alright, alright,

come on, come on.

- I'm getting a headache.

- Glad to hear it.

- Good.

- Good.

Good? Huh.

You know that's another

problem with women.

They never know when to shut up.

- No kidding.

- Oh-ho-ho.

Alright, doesn't matter,

okay, argue all you want.

Because we're not going

to answer you. Okay, guys?

- Right.

- Yes.

[sighs]

- It's fine with me.

- Good.

- That's cute.

- 'Hm-mm.'

This mindless provocation

isn't going to work.

Maybe it is.

- Congratulations.

- 'Oh, yeah?'

Really?

Fine you..

Alright, alright.

If that's the way you want

then that's the way

you're gonna get it.

- This means w*r.

- Charge.

[instrumental music]

God damn it!

Aah!

[indistinct chatter]

'Darn you, David.'

- Dad, let me explain.

- Forget it, David.

There's nothing that

you could say right now

that would make me happy.

I assume that this will be

cleaned up immediately,

if not sooner.

But dad, this is w*r.

This is also our kitchen.

I don't know how

you're gonna do it

but when I get down

here tomorrow morning

I expect this place

to be spotless.

- Spotless?

- Spotless.

You know, someday they're

gonna surprise me and grow up.

Don't bet on it, they take

after their father.

Come on, I thought we were

finished with that argument.

Hardly, Tom,

I am perfectly capable

of ordering a meal

in a restaurant myself.

It's just force of habit

and you had no right

to embarrass me

in front of all those people.

Embarrass you?

I was the one being treated

like a four-year-old

when are you

gonna realize that

I don't like being treated

like an appendage.

There's nothing wrong with a man

ordering dinner for his wife.

- 'Stop her.'

- Hmm, excellent breakfast.

[chuckling]

- It's so good..

- And bacon's cooked..

[indistinct chatter]

My-my, we seem

to have run out of eggs

and bacon and plates.

They didn't run out,

they're just not serving us.

(Abby)

'That's correct, Nicholas.'

You gentlemen know

where everything is?

You can fix

your own breakfast.

In fact you'll be

doing a lot of things

for yourselves

in the next few days.

Oh, I see, the b*ttlefield

has been cleared.

- But the w*r rages on.

- Precisely.

And the terms

for negotiable settlement

are respect and dignity.

I see, alright, Nicholas,

you better go get

the zappies and some bowls,

it looks like

we're on our own this morning.

Ah, airmail. Let's see

what do we have here?

The furniture store, guess what

I went down there yesterday

and I gave them a $.

"$.."

How can I owe them $.?

It's simple, I mean

they obviously subtracted

a $ from $,

move the decimal two places.

No, no, no, I went over

that with them step by step.

Oh, Tom, don't take it so hard.

I know stores like this,

they hear a mans voice

they think they can

give him a run around.

Alright, Nicholas,

bring on the happy zappies.

Aggravating.

Hmm, enjoy.

'Slop!'

[indistinct]

Hey, what're you doin'?

It's - time,

I'm not sharing

my record collection

with a crazy person.

Okay, that's fine with me.

Hey, no, no, wait a minute,

I want that Springsteen album.

Then go buy it.

Possession is / of a law.

And how many nights a week

you wanna use the stereo?

Seven.

Yeah, well,

you'll have custody of it.

Mondays and Wednesdays and

one night during the weekend.

I don't think we have

anything further to discuss.

sh**t.

I thought we made

ourselves perfectly clear.

You mean, you won't

iron my shirts?

- Okay.

- Okay?

That's the way you want it.

Be prepared to suffer

the consequences.

Ah, you're bluffing.

Better be bluffing.

Tommy, come back here.

[instrumental music]

Yes. Right.

Well, he just walked in.

Just a minute, please.

It's the furniture store.

They're repossessing our desk

tomorrow at p.m.

Oh, hello, listen,

I gave you a check for $.

I don't care,

what your computer says.

Just talk to Mr. Allen, would

you? He'll explain everything.

Mr. Allen.

Oh..

Alright forget it.

What did you say I owe you?

$.?

Very good, you'll have it

in the morning.

Ridiculous.

- What're you doing?

- 'What am I doing?'

I'm getting a desk off my back.

They say they will end this

thing once and for all

if I give them $.

well, very good, then so be it.

- That's so typical.

- I'm not listening.

Men try to buy their way

out of everything

what they can't take care

of intellectually

they take care of financially.

I'll bring this over to them

in the morning

and that will be the end of it.

Wait, Tommy,

what are you doing?

I just like to take this

opportunity to point out

that there are plenty of things

that the guys do around here

that you girls take for granted,

like the laundry.

Tommy?

Now, I could go and throw this

out on the front lawn

but, uh, I guess

I made my point.

I'll just be a man about it.

That's one for our side, dad.

(Nancy)

'Somebody's got to be

in charge of our laundry.'

'I made a fool

of myself last night.'

(Susan)

'Mary, I thought

you do the laundry.'

(Mary)

'Oh, no,

Tommy took over last year.'

Last year, sheesh,

So I was informed.

You know,

I never thought to ask.

Hey, come on, Elizabeth,

For the cause, huh?

- What do you say?

- Yeah.

- Well, okay, I'll volunteer.

- Good.

To take everything

to the cleaners.

Cleaners? No, no, Elizabeth.

Look, you're missing the point.

If you take our laundry

to the cleaners

you're gonna be

proving Tommy right.

I don't want him getting

any satisfaction out of this.

Really.

Well, okay, when you put it

that way, I, uh..

I guess, it makes sense.

- Good.

- Good.

And don't forget

the fabric softener

I like my jeans soft.

- Shhh.

- Bye.

And if you really

wanna impress me

try mowing a lawn,

front and back

somewhere to the tune of,

uh, half an acre.

- Goodbye, Tommy.

- Bye-bye.

Hey, that's fine, Tommy,

we'll mow the lawn.

Hey, you want the house

repainted, we'll do that too

'cause we won't cr*ck.

(Tommy)

'Ha! Neither will we.'

[whirring]

Hey, you know,

this isn't bad at all.

Right, after this

we do the back lawn too.

Bye, see you later.

Hi. Bye.

And thanks for the help.

Oh, I'm not interested

in your petty quarrels.

At least when I work,

I get paid. See ya.

[instrumental music]

- Fink.

- Traitor.

Grease monkey.

I hope the girls

are starting to cr*ck.

I'm seeing signs of surrender.

Surrender? They're out there

right now mowing the lawn.

And very badly.

[chuckles]

You know I think we oughta make

the first gesture.

Oh, no, here it comes.

Let's be big about this,

let's apologize.

Yeah, let's apologize.

I hate washing things.

Nicholas, this thing

isn't just about

washing clothes

and mowing lawns.

Well, then what's it about?

Well, it's sort of complicated.

It has to do with men and women

and, uh, sex roles.

Sex roles?

Am I old enough

to know about sex roles?

[chuckling]

Here, Nicholas, fold this.

'It's a sex role.'

You guys are putting me on.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, hiya, kid, we're here

from the furniture store

your folks should be

expecting us.

Oh, yeah, for the desk?

Desk? No actually--

Oh, that's right, kid,

uh, the desk.

Oh, well, I guess

you can come in.

The desks are in the living room

and my parents are upstairs.

Thanks, kid.

Why am I upset?

Because I come home looking for

some love and affection.

What about respect?

Oh, here we go again.

I respect you, I respect you.

What do you want me to do?

Build a shrine

in your honor.

Oh, come on, Tom.

Talk is cheap. You don't show

respect with mere words.

I-I don't know

what it is that you want.

We're simply trying

to make a point.

And what is the point?

That Nicholas should

wash the dishes

and Susan should

mow the lawn.

No, that the women

in this house are people too.

And we won't tolerate

being treated

as second class citizens.

Look, Tom, I know you think

that this whole w*r thing

is childish

and maybe you're right.

But if it's opened a few

eyes around here

then maybe it's been worth it.

(Nicholas)

'Dad, everyone, come quick.'

What is this, Nicholas?

What happened?

Well, some guys

from the store came

and said they wanted the desk.

[dramatic music]

Alright, this is a warning.

If any of you feel compelled

to say something cute

you can go and find yourself

another place to live.

'Ah-ha!'

Mm-hm!

Ah-ha! Yeah.

- What's the lawyer saying, dad?

- Shh, shh, Nicholas.

Hmm, alright.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Well..

Western Furniture Galleries

has what is known as

a revolving credit plan.

When we didn't pay for the desk

in the required days

they claim they have the right,

to repossess our living room

which we'd bought on time

and are still paying for.

[sighs]

But, dad, you paid them

an additional $.

Tell me about it.

Well, who repossesses furniture

for $?

Not who? But what?

Our computer, Mr. Bradford.

I'm afraid it's only

aware of the fact

that you owe money,

not how much.

Well, don't you think that

somebody should tell it.

- Tom, please.

- Don't please me.

As far as I'm concerned

this store can kiss

my future business, goodbye.

We appreciate your anger,

Mr. Bradford.

Uh, but, personally, I find this

whole situation...regrettable.

Oh really? Now look,

I paid a $ for a $ desk.

Now how can I possibly

owe you money?

You see, you owed us $..

'Well, then you made

a payment of $..'

But I'm afraid, there's still

a balance showing

in the balance owed column.

Yes, zero dollars and zero

cents, that's what I owe you.

Zero dollars and zero cents.

Isn't it funny

how things work out?

No, it's not funny.

Well, when can we get

our furniture back?

Well, I'm afraid

that a computer fowl up

could take some time to unravel.

Just long enough

for me to call my lawyer

and sue the chandeliers

off this place.

[clearing throat]

Um, may I make a suggestion?

- Thank you.

- My pleasure.

Oh, no,

the pleasure is all mine.

Usually, I only have hysterical

husbands to deal with.

[chuckles]

(Tom)

'Nicholas, eat your dinner.'

- 'I'm not so hungry.'

- 'But you love pizza.'

I loved it

the day before yesterday.

I liked it yesterday.

I don't like to so much today.

Yeah, well,

it's conveniently delivered.

They're having a whole meal

with lots of courses

and strawberry shortcake

for dessert.

Yeah, go ahead,

Nicholas, defect.

What does that mean?

Be a fink, chicken out,

join the enemy.

(Tom)

Alright, Tommy, lay off.

Nicholas, if you wanna go

in there and have dinner

with the women,

I'm sure they'll let you.

Boy, after this, I'm never ever

having pizza again.

Famous last words.

Nicholas, w*r is...heck.

It sure is.

[instrumental music]

Come in.

Nicholas, what are you doing up?

It's almost midnight.

Hey, are you alright?

You wanna come in for a while?

Did you have a bad dream?

[music continues]

Well..

Mary, could I..

Could I..

What is it, Nicholas?

Could I have a hug?

Of course, you can.

Ah..

- 'Some more syrup, Nicholas?'

- No, thanks.

Well, what're you waiting for?

Dig in.

Umm.

Does this mean,

I'm deflected?

Uh, you mean,

"Defected," don't you?

- Yeah.

- No, Nicholas.

What it means is that you're

the only male around here

who had enough character

to admit he was wrong.

Hey, Nicholas,

you made pancakes? Far-out.

No, I defected.

They brainwashed you.

Weakened you with pancakes.

(Mary)

'Uh, excuse me, Tommy,

but for your information'

Nicholas and I had

a little talk last night..

...and he was man enough

to say he was sorry.

Sorry?

Sorry about what?

Uh, about the way

he treated Abby.

About not setting the table.

About taking us

all for granted.

Unconditional surrender.

Actually, Tommy,

I'd call it liberation.

Nicholas, you just sold

your birth right

for a stack of pancakes.

I didn't either.

Girls are people too.

You're brainwashed.

Definitely brainwashed.

Hey, uh, Nicholas, can I, uh,

have a bite of your pancakes?

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

"Repairing a*t*matic

transmissions?"

Sounds romantic.

Nancy, I wonder

if I could ask you a favor?

Can't you see I'm busy?

I've decided

to become a mechanic.

I know you're all wrapped up

in a*t*matic transmissions.

But, well, you see,

you're the only person

who can do this for me.

Do what, Elizabeth?

Ask Tommy to borrow

the record player.

Now, why would I want to

do a thing like that?

So that I could listen to

the new Paul McCartney album.

Why don't you ask him?

I can't. We're not talking.

But see,

you're a neutral, Nancy.

You know,

kind of like a Switzerland.

I'm flattered,

but I don't feel like

being Switzerland

at the moment, thank you.

Oh, go ahead and turn a deaf ear

on a sister in need.

If a*t*matic transmissions are

more important than sisterhood.

Forget it.

Women are so emotional.

[sighs]

[engine revs]

Need a lift?

No, thanks.

'I've been doing

a lot of walking lately'

'and...frankly,

I'm getting used to it.'

Listen.

Would it make you

feel any better

if I stepped

in front of a train?

Alright, look Mary,

let's face it.

I'm rotten.

I'm selfish.

'I'm inconsiderate.'

I'm probably the worst

brother a girl could have

and I'm an insult

to the human race.

Well, at least now

you're being honest.

And I brought you something.

A pistachio twirl.

It's half eaten.

No, it's been melting

all over the front seat.

Now it's melting

all over my hand.

'Come on.'

Alright, thanks.

But, you know what? Ice-cream

count doesn't change things.

Oh, sure it does.

At least now we're

speaking to each other.

And it gives me a chance

to say, I'm sorry.

But you're not saying

you were wrong.

I don't know if I was

wrong or right.

And at this point,

I don't even care.

What I do know is that I haven't

seen you smile for days.

And I'm sorry if I've taken you

and that smile for granted.

You know something.

I remember when we were kids

and, and we had a fight.

I always knew that-that

you're gonna make up with me

when you brought me the

pistachio twirl ice cream cone.

And if I recall correctly

you'd always forgive me

by the time you were finished.

Hmm, I'll let you know.

[laughs]

- So you wanna be a mechanic?

- Uh-huh.

Terrific, doll, terrific.

Artie, I'm serious.

So am I.

- You are?

- 'Absolutely.'

I don't like passive women.

I like a go-getter.

I like a women

with a little fire.

Gee, thanks, Artie.

You know what you want.

And I can understand that

because...I know what I want.

What's that?

A women who knows

what she wants.

Oh.

Oh, you mean me!

Quick too.

Besides..

...how often do you

get a chance to spend time

with the guy who owns

his own business?

Uh, ha ha, Artie.

This isn't what I had in mind.

Look, we're both mature people.

Now, you want something from me.

Uh, I want something from you.

- Have we got a deal?

- A deal?

Why, I wouldn't

even watch TV with you.

You're nothing but a, a sexist

chauvinistic, egotistical male.

What's the matter, princess?

Am I too much

of a man for you?

No, you're too much

of a creep for me.

'And you can keep the uniform.'

[instrumental music]

Okay, now the purpose of this

meeting is simply to talk.

To err our differences.

To find out exactly

what happened this week

'and how to prevent it

from ever happening again.'

'At least not to often.'

'Now some pretty strong

accusations were made.'

'Feelings were hurt.'

'And I think we better

clear the air'

before this thing gets

entirely out of hand.

Let's be honest,

because it's not gonna do

any good to pull any punches.

- Is that agreed?

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Okay.

Who wants to begin?

[chuckles]

Well..

My sentiments exactly.

Still, I-I can't just

let you kiss me like that

and have everything be alright.

Why not?

You kissed me back.

I lost my head.

Keep your head.

I only want your heart.

Oh, Tom,

that sound so corny.

I can't help it.

I get corny when I'm in love.

I also say and do things that..

...cause other people

pain even though

that's the worst thing

in the world I'd want to do.

Can I interpret that

as an apology?

Grab it while it's hot.

- Are we friends?

- We're friends.

Still, I-I wish the kids, uh

had the pleasure of

making up the way we do.

I don't think they'd want to.

I've never seen them

so angry with each other.

My gosh.

[indistinct chattering]

- What's happening here?

- Oh, hi. The w*r is over.

- Who won?

- The naughty birds.

They don't have to hear us

barkin' anymore.

Oh, this is rather sudden,

isn't it?

Oh, yeah, but w*r gets

to be such a drag after a while.

- Besides, we worked things out.

- Yeah.

- And we all deflected.

- Defected, Nicholas.

Oh, good.

We're a family again.

Yeah, I feel like we should

sing Auld Lang Syne.

- Let's not push it, Tommy.

- Oops.

Here comes the last angry

Bradford now.

Um, something wrong, Nancy?

(Nancy)

'What do you care?'

All you men care about

are yourselves.

'Well,

let me tell you something.'

'Women are people too,

you know.'

And there comes a time

when a person gets fed up

to here with

been taken advantage of.

Right, Mary?

Right, Joannie?

Yeah. Sort of.

Hey, what's goin' on

around here?

I thought we were

havin' a w*r.

Nance, we made up.

You made up?

But they're men.

They're chauvinistic,

selfish, egotistical pigs.

[laughs]

Good ol' Nance. Always

the last one on the bandwagon.

- Better late than never.

- Nancy, look at that face.

Don't you think

men are cute too, huh?

Yeah.

- What about me?

- What about you?

I'm a man too.

- Oh.

- That's true.

Yes, you are.

Hey, none of that mushy stuff.

- Hi.

- 'You asked for it.'

[indistinct chatter]

Would you pass the butter,

please?

You know,

you're also cheerful.

We should make this w*r

an annual event.

Uh-uh.

It almost ruined my stomach.

Oh, come on. Nicholas.

You survived.

Not if I hadn't defected.

I was almost a goner.

[door bell]

I'll get it.

Uh, if it's a man,

tell him Nancy isn't here.

Well, wait a minute.

I've changed my position.

Men are okay, now and then.

- As long he's not named Artie.

- Right.

Hey, it's the guys

from the store.

They said they have

our furniture.

[all cheering]

Abby!

How'd you b*at the computer,

Abby?

Simply by relating to it

on it's own level.

(David)

'Which is?'

It wanted zero dollars

and zero cents.

So I wrote it a check for zero

dollars and zero cents.

'Are they bringing

our furniture back in, Tom?'

(David)

'What's the matter?'

It's not our furniture.

(Elizabeth)

'Oh.'

[laughs]

You win a few,

you lose a few.

Some get rained out?

[laughs]

[theme music]

[music continues]