03x18 - Inlaws and Outlaws

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

I don't belong in this family.

What? Why not?

I just don't fit.

Oh, we all feel that way

sometimes, Nicholas.

You know, the more

I think about it

the more I think I was adopted.

- Adopted?

- No, you weren't, Nicholas.

I remember the day you were

born into this family.

Yeah, and dad took us

all down to the hospital

so we could stand around

and gawk at you.

Boy, were you wrinkled.

Wrinkled?

Nah, I was never wrinkled.

Oh, yes, you were. We saw you.

Well, then how do you know

it was really me?

'Cause the nurse

said it was you.

Well, maybe the nurse

made a mistake.

Maybe she pointed out

to the wrong baby

and I really belonged

in some other family

where I am the oldest.

- Hey, Nicholas.

- Yeah?

(Tommy)

'Hey, maybe you're right.'

'I mean, maybe the hospital

did make a mistake'

and they did switch babies

and you're not really

Nicholas Bradford

you're just some other girl.

Girl?

Well, sure, I mean,

if you're not who you are

then there's a - chance

that you're just a girl.

Forget everything I just said!

[instrumental music]

[theme song]

♪ There's a magic ♪

♪ In the early morning

we've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪

♪ On everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪

♪ Oh we spend our days ♪

♪ Like bright

and shiny new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪

♪ By the changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

♪ La da-da dum da-da dum ♪

♪ Ta-dum ♪

♪ Ta ra-ra rum

da-da da dum ♪

♪ La da-da da da dum ♪♪

Tom, I'm so glad you're home!

Come in, sit down, relax.

Look, I made a little

tea party for us.

Isn't that nice?

Oh-oh, this means you're

gonna tell me something

that I can't handle standing up.

- You're being paranoid.

- No, it's just experience.

What is it, emergency

orthodontia or a crumpled fender

or did Nicholas elope?

None of the above.

My mother's coming

to visit tomorrow!

Oh, I'd rather have

Nicholas elope.

Uh, didn't we just get through

visiting with your parents?

It was Thanksgiving.

Oh, that's right.

Now I remember.

I was thankful when they left.

'Well, you'll be pleased

to know it's not they.'

My father is not coming.

Oh, well, in that ca..

You should have given me

that for openers.

You should have said,

"Tom, guess what?

My father isn't going

to visit us!"

That would've made my day!

You know, I can't figure out

how he let her leave

Pasadena without him.

It's their first

separate vacation

in years of marriage.

Wow, I admire her stamina.

I need a vacation from

your father after seconds.

You really shouldn't be

so hard on him, you know.

You are a potential

father-in-law eight times over.

Me, a father-in-law?

An in-law? Never.

You know, why did Nancy

have to take an apartment?

It's times like this

I really miss her.

Why Nancy? I mean,

what about Joannie and Susan?

Not in times like this.

See, Joannie and Susan

slice carrots

just the same way you do.

And Nancy doesn't?

Well, she slices them

the long way

so you can use the carrot

to put salad on your fork.

Is that some kinda hint?

Well, it is

if we're havin' salad.

Mother won't be here long enough

to spoil your routine.

Is that a guarantee?

(Abby)

'Well,

it's practically ironclad.'

'You see, I'm sure

the first day she's here'

dad's gonna call

and have her fly right back home

because not having her there

is gonna spoil his routine

too much, see?

- Okay, you sold me.

- Aw!

I guess you do deserve a little

mother-daughter visit, alright?

You are so good to me.

She really does, dad

and now, at least, we have

a room for Grandma Katherine.

What room?

Oh, well, Nicholas,

see, I was thinking

that Grandma Katherine

could move into

Joannie and Susan's old room,

and that, uh..

...Tommy could move back

in with you, is that okay?

Good idea!

No matter what Tommy says

I still think he's afraid

to sleep alone.

Tommy is afraid to sleep alone?

No, dad, Nicholas is

scared to sleep alone.

And Tommy's gonna hate the idea

of giving up his new room.

Oh, not if his father

talked him into it.

Huh? Why me?

Well, because I just had

to face your grumbling

so now you can face

Tommy's grumbling!

(Joannie)

'Oh, boy, David,

now we owe you for, uh'

two quarts of milk,

and for four dozen eggs

and three loaves of that

sprouted leaf bread.

- Forget it.

- No, no, no, David.

Now, we're gonna pay you

back on Nancy's payday

plus, five eggs interest.

You don't have to do that!

Yeah, we do have to do that.

David, you remember how you felt

about accepting charity

and everything

when you got your first place?

Yeah, I remember.

And in that case, your

interest will be seven eggs.

Ah! David, that's usury.

No, that's reflect

for your independence.

Tell me, David,

how long does it take

till independence

comes without hunger?

Uh, don't you think you're

exaggerating a little, Susan?

It's not hunger

it's just, uh...shaky nutrition.

Oh, I know what

you're goin' through.

My first two months in my own

apartment, I lost six pounds.

Yeah, but at least

you don't have to stand

in line for your own bathrobe.

- Yeah.

- Well, face it, girls.

I didn't try to

gain my independence

with two sisters along,

and I didn't have to support

three people

on one and two thirds job.

Oh, David,

don't get the wrong idea.

We're not complaining. It's..

We're gonna get organized.

Hey, and listen,

if you're talking to dad

we already are organized, and

you've never seen us so happy.

Exactly. Tell him that he can

really be proud of us.

Please?

[motorbike engine revving]

Hey! This thing's busted!

No, Tommy,

we were here too long.

Just like the Meter Molly said.

- Whose side are you on anyway?

- Mine!

I'm tired of getting a ticket

every time I ride with you.

- Oh, what about your tickets?

- What about 'em?

You've got this month,

and I only got two.

Yeah, if my van was running, you

wouldn't know how many I had.

- I think dad's car's a jinx!

- Yeah.

Hey, do you think

we ought to tell them

the bad news together

or separate?

Oh, together, and wait

till he owes us something.

That way, we can negotiate.

Well, he better

owe us something quick

'cause at this rate

we're gonna need a wheelbarrow

to carry in our tickets, and two

stretchers to carry us out.

Hurray, Nancy, that is..

- Alright, hurray!

- That's terrific!

This calls for a toast.

Milk all around.

H-h-h-hey,

wait a minute there, David.

Rather, you're being awfully

generous with our milk.

This is a celebration

and ten minutes minutes ago,

it was my milk.

O-o-okay, but we'll count your

glasses as part of the payback.

- Cheapskates.

- Survivor.

(Nancy)

Oh, forget it, Susan.

Once I get my new job,

we'll throw away the budget

then we'll have guests

every night!

Hey, when do you start, Nancy?

Well, they haven't said,

but I figure

I'll find out at the interview.

The interview?

You mean it's not a firm offer?

No, but you guys know

how great I am

at getting the jobs I go after,

right?

True, true.

No one has more experience

at job interviews than you.

David, I knew you had

confidence in me.

That's why I figured

you'd lend me your truck?

It's not a truck, and it's not

available for job interviews.

Well then, how am I gonna get

clear across Sacramento

during my lunch hour?

Well, you could ask dad

to use the station wagon.

- Yeah.

- Are you kidding?

He won't approve of my

changing jobs again!

Uh, you just have to pick

the right way to ask him, Nance.

Yeah...use a little strategy.

[clears throat]

No, no, wait, wait, wait.

Everybody just stay where you

are, your father has something

of great importance

to discuss with Tommy.

Huh? Oh.

That.. Well.. You, uh..

I-I was waiting for

the proper moment, you know.

Um, dad, Tommy had two desserts.

I don't think you're gonna

find a righter moment.

Uh, dad, Elizabeth and I thought

we'd stand together on this.

I think I just decided

to stand separately.

Coward.

Will someone please tell me

what we're talkin' about?

It's not easy to find out

seeing as how your father

keeps avoiding the issue!

No, I'm not avoiding the issue.

Well then, bite the b*llet

and break the bad news!

Um, bad news for one

should be bad news for all.

(Tom)

'Well, that's right, Tommy.'

I knew you would be upset,

you know

so I, I wanted to handle

this more delicately

but, uh...alright,

here it goes.

[clearing throat]

Uh, guess what?

Abby's mother

is coming to visit us

'and, uh, we want her

to stay in your room.'

My room?

Yes, but Abby guarantees

it'll just be for one night.

'May-maybe two nights,

right, Abby?'

Good idea! And you

won't have to sleep alone!

Oh, sure, dad. It's my pleasure.

- You're smiling!

- Oh, it's because I wanna help.

Elizabeth, dishes.

[clearing throat]

- Amazing.

- Maybe he's growing up.

Maybe he is afraid

to sleep alone.

I told you. Poor little shrimp.

Dad is about to

owe me a favor, Elizabeth

and I'm gonna remember

that you finked out.

Well, you would too,

if you'd seen this.

- Look.

- What is it?

It's a notice dad got as legal

owner of the station wagon.

Fortunately, I intercepted it.

Dad owes $

in parking tickets?

Yeah, and I wasn't in the mood

for $ worth of yelling.

Or somebody else

must be getting tickets

on the station wagon besides us.

- Who?

- Who cares?

Alls I know is that

dad is gonna yell at least

to the people he owes

the most favors to.

From now on, Elizabeth,

it's every Bradford for himself.

[instrumental music]

- Oh, Grandma Katherine!

- Uh!

How nice to see you! How was

your flight in from Pasadena?

- Oh, here, let me take this.

- Thanks, honey.

Yeah, oh, you'll be

staying in my room.

When I heard you were coming,

I just said, "Take it, please!"

Anything to help!

Mom, I bought you

your favorite tea

and those little cookies

that you break your diet for.

That's sweet of you, dear,

but I think..

...I think what I really need

is a nap.

You know how flying tires me.

Yeah, b..

You've always thrived on flyin'.

Oh, I'll-I'll

feel fine by dinner.

Uh...don't worry.

'You know, mom?'

I have half a mind

to call dad

to see how long you've

been lookin' so tired.

Oh, no, Abby.

Uh, your father's business

trip was very indefinite

I have no idea where he is.

And even if I did, there's

no reason to worry. Believe me.

Tommy,

would you show me to my room?

Oh, my pleasure, yeah.

[instrumental music]

All afternoon? You haven't

seen Katherine all afternoon?

She asked me not to disturb her

and she locked the door.

Oh. Well, this is your house.

I mean,

if you're really concerned

you can unlock the door.

Oh, sure.

She's my mother.

Every time I think

of disobeying her

I feel like

a six-year-old kid.

I know the feeling,

but this house is already

well-stocked with children.

If your mother is really ill

we've gotta start making

some grown-up decisions.

Oh, I don't think she's ill,

exactly, I'm..

Well, then what?

Well, maybe she's,

maybe she's just disturbed

about bein' away from my father,

uh, I don't know.

We can't have

any more guesswork.

Why don't you go up

tell your mother to come down,

say hello to me

'we'll have a little

chat before dinner?'

You'll be nice?

Well, you'll have to settle

for...totally charming.

[instrumental music]

[knocking]

- Mother?

- Yes, dear.

- Did you get your nap?

- My nap?

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh.

Yes. Yes, I suppose I did.

Um, Tom's downstairs,

and I was wondering if

maybe you'd like to come down

and say hello?

Would you just

hate me if I didn't?

No, mom.

Um, of course

I wouldn't hate you.

You could just, uh, wait

and come down at dinner.

I'm not really hungry. I'll just

see everybody at breakfast.

Mom, are you alright?

That airport was so draughty

I think maybe

I-I caught a little cold

and I'll just sleep it off.

Now don't worry.

Mother..

There's no need

to get upset, Abby.

No need at all.

Yes, mother.

Daddy, your message is

finally getting through to me.

I don't think I am ready

for a better-paying job.

[sighing]

You finally convinced me.

I'm an adequate.

Oh, no, no. I never intended

to destroy your self-confidence.

Uh, that's alright, daddy.

I can be content

with my humble lot.

No Bradford is content

with humble.

Well, I have to be, dad.

You see, I couldn't

get to the interview

even if I felt up to it.

I don't have a car.

Oh, please,

don't worry about that.

I'll work out

the transportation.

You just start feeling

good about yourself, and..

...y-you're a very

talented girl, Nancy.

Yeah, you're the best carrot

slicer in all Sacramento!

You guys! You guys!

It worked! It worked!

I got the station wagon

for the interview.

Aren't you gonna

congratulate me?

Nope, you should

congratulate us.

What for?

For not throwing hysterical fits

and not sh**ting the landlady.

[chuckles]

Why would I wanna

congratulate you for that stuff?

Because we consider doing both

of those things very carefully.

Rent's been raised,

starting the first.

- Oh, no! How much?

- $.

- Well, that's impossible.

- That's right.

Eighty impossible dollars.

[sighing]

Gonna lose the apartment.

[sighs]

[mumbling]

See, that's . Forget it.

I'll quit school and get

a full-time job.

- Oh, no, you won't.

- You did it.

That's because I didn't

have a dropout sister

who could tell me what

I was getting myself into

and who would pull my hair out,

even if I considered it.

Oh, boy.

Well, we could get a new

roommate, share expenses.

Oh, no, she'd have

to share the bathroom

and she'd mess up

our private date nights.

Yeah, and where would she sleep?

In the kitchen,

or in the closet?

Well, you guys tell me where

we're gonna get another $.

- My expeditor's job.

- If you get it.

I'll get it, I'll get it!

I hope so.

I don't know.

It just bothers me, Nancy

that the two of us are depending

on you havin' a full-time job

just to keep the apartment.

Doesn't seem fair.

Yeah, I'd sure feel

a whole lot better

if I was working full-time

at the daycare center.

Oh, yeah, or I was

full-time at the theatre.

Don't worry, guys.

It will all work out.

- I mean, uh, you can help me.

- How?

Well, for one thing. You can

tell me what an expeditor does?

[laughing]

You don't know

what an expeditor..

[laughing continues]

- 'Hi.'

- 'Hi.'

(Tom)

Is your mother coming

down for breakfast?

N-no,

I-I'll take her a tray.

Are you playing

a trick on me or something?

Your mother arrived

yesterday afternoon.

I still haven't seen her.

Actually, this is the

nicest visit we've ever had.

Don't make fun.

She really worries me.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you

think that I should, uh

call Dr. Max and see if he can

squeeze her in for a check-up?

I don't know what to think.

I just wish I could talk to dad.

- Well, I'm sure he'll call.

- I'm sure he will.

W-what do you think?

Do you like this one

or this one?

This one.

Oh...yeah.

- That's what I thought.

- Mm-hmm.

Joannie, you said that picking

you up wasn't out of my way.

I'm sorry,

I thought you said

your interview was

on East Broadway.

Well, you're just gonna have to

come with me until it's over.

Oh, but they're expecting

me at :!

Joannie, what is more important?

Your costume fitting or

us keeping the apartment?

I know, it's.. Uh-oh.

(Nancy)

'Oh, I don't believe it.'

Oh, Nancy, you shouldn't

have parked it in a red zone.

Every time I take dad's car out,

I get a ticket.

Yeah. Face it, Nance.

Dad's station wagon's a jinx.

I got a few myself.

- What'd you tell him?

- I didn't.

Me neither.

I figured, why worry him?

Yeah, right.

Why worry him?

Hey, guys. How'd it..

Mm...hey, uh, Nance, it's okay.

There's plenty of other

new jobs you can get.

Yeah. What about old jobs?

Well, what about 'em?

Well, a parking ticket

made Nancy late

for gettin' to her

new job interview

and my costume fitting

made her late

getting back

to her old job, so..

So they fired me.

- They can't do that.

- Oh, can't they.

Or how can we live?

Oh..

- I was sleeping with what?

- Sowbugs.

Why didn't you say

somethin' last night?

Well, I forgot that's where

I spilled my collection.

Whoa, well, I'd be glad to get

back in my own private room.

- Really?

- Really.

You know, I was kinda hoping

you'd remember

how nice it was when..

When what?

When you didn't have

to sleep alone.

I know how much you hate it.

Come on, Nicholas.

You might as well admit it.

You're the one

that hates to sleep alone.

- You mean people know that?

- Sure, the whole family knows.

Boy, what a shock.

- 'You'll get over it.'

- Yeah, I guess so.

Tommy, I think

I'd get over it more, though

if you didn't have to move out

when Grandma Katherine

went home.

You wanna sleep with somebody?

Here. Sleep with your friends.

Let's face it, you guys.

We are just going to have

to find a smaller apartment.

What? You mean

sleep three to a bedroom?

Oh, no way.

It was better at home.

- What?

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Forget that I said that.

Uh, erase that

from your consciousness

...cancel.

No, Susan, really,

I'm glad you said that.

I mean,

it was better at home.

And maybe

we ought to think about

moving back

with dad and Abby.

Nancy, what are you saying?

That kinda talk is

subversive and defeatist.

Really, do you want a four

hour lecture from Tom Bradford

on "I told you so?"

Look, I prefer a four hour

lecture to, uh, eviction notice.

Come on, you guys, let's be

mature adults about this.

Number one, we could

barely pay for the old rent.

'Two, we couldn't afford

the new rent'

even when I was employed.

And three, well, we don't

have any privacy around here.

I mean, not really.

'And four, well, we're over

there all the time anyway.'

And five,

I kinda miss the family.

Well, I do.

[chuckles]

Yeah, I guess

I do kinda...miss Nicholas.

Me too, especially,

when he is hassling Tommy.

[all giggling]

Oh, remember how

Mary and I used to have all this

long talks

in the middle of the night?

- Well, I miss everybody.

- Well, okay.

Okay, it's just that I hate

to crawl back home

with our tail between our legs.

Yeah. What if they

wouldn't take us?

Oh, come on, Joannie,

they'll take us.

Won't be so sure.

Eh, wait a minute, you guys.

What if dad takes

advantage of our position

and decides to enforce

some intolerable conditions

like date control, curfew.

Susan's right, I mean,

If we go, if...we go back.

- Yeah.

- We can't go back begging.

Definitely.

You mean,

you guys might consider?

Well, only as

a highly improbable possibility

that we could casually explore.

Yeah, just to cover

our bases, you know

fill dad out, and check it out.

It's the last

desperate measure.

- Right.

- Right.

Right.

Tomorrow?

Well, what about tonight?

[whistling]

♪ Too doo-doo ♪

♪ Too doo-doo ♪

♪ Da-da dum ♪

♪ Da da dum ♪

♪ Dum.. ♪♪

- Hi, Mary.

- Hold it!

'This laundry room

is occupied, okay?'

You guys have been

in here so much

that this is the first chance

at the washer

I've had in six,

count 'em, six days.

- Okay, okay relax, Mary, we--

- We just came to talk to dad.

- Yeah.

- Oh.

Hi, finance.

Hi, dad, you finance a loan?

No, Mary,

it's not that at all.

No, It's nothing like that,

Mary, we are totally against

subsidies and charity.

David was against them too.

And four loans.

Oh, boy.

Uh, Mary, if you

don't stop putting us down

we just might forget it,

you know.

- Yeah.

- Really.

I wasn't putting you down,

Susan, and forget what?

Well. Uh..

Well, Mary,

we've been thinking, ahem, um..

You know, it's probably

kinda cruel of us to, uh

be deserting dad

in his time of need.

- Oh.

- Yeah, yeah, Mary.

Middle age

is a real crisis, you know

and, uh, a person going

through it, like dad is

well, he needs to be supported

and-and surrounded

by the people

that he loves, you know.

And what brought about

this sudden concern

for dad's welfare, besides

your empty refrigerator?

Our refrigerator had nothing

to do with it, Mary.

- Oh.

- 'Absolutely not.'

Living on our own

has just made us more mature

and aware of

our family responsibilities.

Exactly. Exactly, Susan,

I couldn't have put it better.

Okay, Susan,

I think I understand

what you guys

are driving at.

Terrific. How do you think

dad will take it?

I know he misses you guys

an awful lot.

So, if I were you, I'd tell him

exactly what you just told me.

Oh, good.

'Good. We will.'

- Where is he?

- Upstairs.

Upstairs.

Oh, Tom, I so hate

to impose this, but..

Oh, Katherine,

you're never imposing.

Abby's house is your house.

You know that.

Do you really mean that?

Oh, mom,

of course he means that.

You belong here,

you could never impose.

Would you please

tell me what's wrong?

It's so hard to say.

I'm going to need

all your warm welcome..

...and your understanding.

I've left your father.

I've decided,

to get a divorce.

Oh, mama.

Oh, dad, there you are?

Oh, hello, girls.

I didn't even realize

you were here.

I was just gonna get

Abby some coffee.

Um, could we

talk to you a minute, dad?

Yeah, dad, we've been

real concerned about you lately

and, uh, we have a suggestion

that we think

will make your life

a whole lot happier.

Really? That's good.

I could use your help.

- You really could?

- Yeah.

Abby is upstairs

in her room crying

and her mother is in

your old room. She's crying.

Tell you, the whole second floor

is a real disaster area.

Why, dad, what happened?

Well, I guess,

I might as well tell you.

Abby's mother and father

are getting a divorce.

Oh, no, daddy,

they couldn't.

Katherine and Harry

after years? Why, daddy?

I don't know.

I guess they don't even know

the reason why.

These things just happen,

even after years.

Even in Pasadena.

Well, Grandma Katherine

really must feel terrible.

She does.

I think Abby feels even worse.

Anyway, you girls are

real comfort to me right now.

Hey, uh, dad, that's what

we wanted to talk to you about.

You don't have to

talk about it.

Just realizing that you've

become grown up is enough.

Uh, I beg your pardon?

'Well, it looks like

Katherine's gonna have to move'

'into the house, and it's gonna

make things kinda tense'

and you don't realize

how good I feel

knowing that you're mature

and able enough to look after

things for yourself.

I've gotta go now.

Abby needs that coffee.

[instrumental music]

Tom, wait.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Well, now at least we know

why your father didn't call.

Yeah, I-I should have known

something was wrong

when we didn't hear from him.

Do you know he, he used to..

...he used to call mom

every night from his office

with, um, a traffic report

on the Pasadena freeway

and, um, an ETA on his, uh,

return to our driveway.

How could a man

so dependable do this?

Uh, do what? I mean, did your

mother say what happened?

No, she was too emotional

to talk about it

and I was too emotional

to listen.

How can they

just end years?

I don't know, must have

been...very difficult

for both of them.

Mm-hmm.

It's just that they were always

so happy together, you know.

I mean, they had their problems

like everybody, but..

...but they were always there

when I needed 'em. Together.

My mom and my dad, you know.

I mean, if they hadn't..

...we hadn't had

such a happy family.

I wouldn't have wanted

so much to be

a part of this family.

I know, don't worry.

We're all one family now.

We'll work it out.

I just wanted to make sure,

Tommy.

What do you think, I'm some

kinda dunce head or somethin'?

Dad's not up to

hearing more bad news

and I'm not up to

tellin' it.

Well, what are you

gonna do about the tickets?

Well, I have two choices.

Either, I can wait

until things settle down

or I can think

of somethin' else

which ever comes first.

Lots of luck.

Tommy, what does divorce

really mean?

Well, if you're talkin' about

Grandma Katherine's divorce

it means, I'm stuck with you

till I move away to college.

No, no. What does

divorce really mean?

Well, it just means

that two people

don't wanna

live together any more.

Does that mean

you want a divorce from me?

No, you couldn't afford

the alimony.

But, David,

you don't understand.

We can't move home when

dad's dependin' on us not too.

You guys are ignoring

the obvious.

Oh, no, David,

we couldn't move in with you.

No, that's right, you can't

but Abby's mother

could move in here.

- In here?

- 'Sure.'

The rent would be

no problem for her.

She could be close to Abby

and then there would be enough

room for the three of you

to move back into the house.

David, you are a genius!

(Nancy)

No, wait a minute, you guys,

hold the applause.

Look, we don't know if dad

or Grandma Katherine

would buy it.

Oh, and if dad gets

any idea of how desperate we are

he will treat us like

kindergarten kids

for the rest of our lives.

Do I have to do

all your thinking for you?

Yes.

Now look, what you do is

you tell dad and Katherine

that her moving in here is the

solution to all their problems.

Yeah. You think

they'll believe that?

You'll rather sleep

in a bus station?

(Tom)

'Why didn't they tell me

they have to move home?'

They're afraid

you'll think they failed.

They'll never

hear the end of it.

Don't they know

how much I miss them?

Right now, they're too busy

missin' their self-respect.

- I see.

- Dad, don't make them crawl.

Mary, don't tell me my job.

Oh, I understand

you girls wanted to talk to me?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, dad, we wanted to talk

to you about Grandma Katherine.

Oh, really?

What about it?

Oh, well, uh,

we've been thinkin', dad.

I mean, i-it's such a madhouse

around here and everything

and, uh..

I me-mean

how can Grandma Katherine

go through

such a tragic time in her life

without any

peace or quite or privacy?

(Susan)

'On the other hand, dad,

I mean, Grandma Katherine'

shouldn't have to

go through the hassle

of lookin' for her own place.

Not when the perfect apartment

is just waitin' for her.

That's right, dad, and, uh..

...and under

the dire circumstances

we've decided that, uh..

...that we are willing

to give our apartment

to, uh, Grandma Katherine.

Oh, then where

would you girls live?

I've got it.

Um, they could live here.

Hey, that's a good idea.

What do you think, dad, huh?

No, no, I-I can't

accept your suggestion.

- You can't?

- Dad.

No, no, I-I just couldn't let

the three of you girls

make that much of a sacrifice.

Oh, dad, don't think of us.

Think of Katherine.

- Think of Abby.

- Think of yourself.

But it's

what you've always wanted.

I mean, you're doing

so well on your own.

Oh, but I know, dad,

I know, but, uh..

...we're gonna have

plenty of time in the future

to enjoy our independence

and, and I think that now,

is the time for us to be..

...responsible members

of the Bradford family.

Well, it's a very mature

and responsible suggestion.

Thank you very much.

You're even more capable

than I thought.

I'll talk to Katherine.

[instrumental music]

Oh, I couldn't have done

better myself.

Probably not.

Harry is so stubborn.

He gets worse every year.

- Has Abby talked to him?

- Well, no.

You said that Harry

was away on a business trip

and couldn't be reached.

- I lied.

- Oh. I see.

Apparently,

he hasn't called.

He's probably too busy sulking.

It's his favorite sport,

next to golf.

Well, if he does call,

do you wanna talk to him?

Oh, no, Tom.

I can't look back.

I have to look ahead.

Hmm, however,

that doesn't seem

to be very much to look at.

'The children have grown.

Never worked.'

Except at being,

Mrs. Harry Mitchell and..

...apparently I didn't even

do a very good job at that.

It's not easy to discover

that one is totally useless.

Oh no, Katherine,

please don't say that

I already only came here

because

I'm in desperate need

of your help.

- My help?

- That's right.

Joannie, Susan and Nancy

have just found out

that it's much easier

to declare independence

than to achieve it.

They wanna move back home.

Oh, how terrible,

I picked the worse possible time

to bring

my problems into this house.

No, no, no, you picked

the best possible time.

The girls need to save face

so now they are offering you

their apartment

in your time of need.

Which is really their time

of need. Which is our secret.

- How wonderful.

- Then you'll do it?

Oh, just, just tell me.

I haven't felt needed

in, in months and months.

- Oh, thank you, Katherine.

- Tom. Thank you.

When I think of all

the uncomplimentary things

that Harry and I

have said about you.

Really?

Well, I must confess,

I, uh, may have said a few

uncomplimentary things

about you and Harry.

- In-law things.

- In-law things.

Isn't it nice

that it's all behind us?

- We can be friends?

- I'd like that.

[instrumental music]

- Oh, it's so heavy.

- And those stairs.

I'm in favor of

lighter loads and more trips.

Yeah, but take all night

to move back home?

- Forget it.

- Oh.

Oh, no, you guys, look.

What's going on,

we can park here?

- Not on street cleaning day.

- Oh, no.

I wish you would have

talked to your mother first.

She specifically told me

that she didn't wanna

see your father.

Oh, I couldn't just

let them suffer in silence.

And when, when you

told me dad was in Pasadena

well, I just had to call him.

And besides,

you should have told me

you were gonna

put my mother in an apartment.

- I mean, dad was shocked.

- Hmm.

I'm sure he'll tell me

precisely how shocked he was.

Why don't you pick

him up at the airport?

Because I have

to prepare mom that he's coming

and these days anyway,

you seem to have

a lot better way

with them than I do.

Oh, if you say anything

about our being contemporary

it will be a double divorce.

Actually, I like to think of you

as a contemporary of Nicholas.

- Oh, bye-bye.

- Oh, keys. I forgot my keys.

- Well, how is it going, girls?

- Fantastic, daddy.

Did you get Grandma Katherine

move into the apartment?

- Uh-huh.

- Oh, good.

I hope you're all settled back

into your own rooms

by the time I get back.

(Joannie)

'Okay, dad.'

I expected Katherine to call.

Yeah, I know, but she sort of

expected you to call her.

Well, Katherine

gets more stubborn every day.

I wouldn't exactly

open my negotiations

without statement, Harry.

Well, there aren't

gonna be any negotiations.

I'm only here,

because Abby seems to need me.

What is it, Thomas?

Oh, well.

It's obviously a mistake.

- Hi.

- Anything wrong, officer?

You have

a broken right tail light.

Oh, really?

Well, I didn't know that.

We have a broken

right tail light.

May I have your

driver's license please.

Sure. Oh, shucks!

Listen, officer..

...you're not gonna believe

this.

- I'll believe it.

- It's in my other coat.

I'll have to check

and make sure that you really

do have a driver's license.

You wanna give me

your name and address?

Certainly,

it's Thomas Bradford Sr.

Oak Street.

I should have known

the family would fall apart

when I let Abby leave Pasadena.

The only island of sanity

in the state of California.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Oh, Katherine deserves

the squirrel cage you live in.

Oh, come on, please, Harry,

it's not a squirrel cage.

You're the registered owner

of this vehicle?

Oh, yes.

'Well, Mr. Bradford,

you do have a driver's license'

but you also set

a new Sacramental record

for parking tickets.

'I'm afraid,

I'm gonna have to take you in.'

[instrumental music]

Squirrel cage, Thomas.

Squirrel cage.

Calm down, Mr. Bradford.

How can you possibly forget

a $ worth of parking tickets?

I didn't forget about them.

I didn't even know

about these tickets.

Now, please understand, sergeant

that my client is quite

obviously emotionally upset.

So I asked you

to totally ignore

his understandable incoherence.

Oh, please, Harry,

I am not your client

and I'm not inhocarent,

inca-inco, incoherent.

You see what I mean. I suggest

you let me handle this, Thomas.

Now, as my client indicates.

I'm his senior partner,

what is perhaps

the most, uh, respective

law firm in California.

And it's my duty to warn you,

sir, that you are treadin'

dangerously close

to the boundaries

of force arrest

and character assassination.

Mister,

I have not yet begun to tread.

Harry, I'm sorry, sergeant.

Harry,

please be your own client.

Sergeant, may I look at the

files for one moment, please?

We should also know, so that

we're prepared to take this

uh, this case

of mistaken identity

to the

United States Supreme Court

where a former classmate

of mine now presides.

And if I don't get some

cooperation around here

you may be presiding

right here permanently.

Look at this, sergeant, I think

I've solved the whole thing.

It's very obvious, look,

three of these tickets

were given

at the medical center right?

Three of them,

at the Pacific Theater.

And four of them were at

Madame Su Ang's

Chinese food factory

and the rest were all

at the high school.

So all I need is one phone call

and you need

one very large cell.

Are these your tickets, Tommy?

- Yes.

- How much, sergeant?

Thirty six dollars.

But I have only .

How many days

will he have to spend in jail?

- Tom, that's cruel.

- No, it is not cruel.

Because we will visit

him on the weekends.

Dad, you can't do this to us.

Now, we're all totally broke.

Oh, I'll pay their fines,

Thomas.

No, Harry, you won't pay them

because you won't charge

enough interest.

- Interest?

- 'That's right. Ten percent.'

Now that you realize

where careless parking

can lead you to,

I will take care

of the sergeant here.

Those of you unable to pay

will take care of me

when we get home.

- 'Are there any questions?'

- Yes. Thomas--

Harry, you're right.

It is...a squirrel cage.

(Nancy)

'Grandma Katherine sure

was lucky she only had'

'one suitcase to fit

into the apartment.'

Yeah, how'd you get all this

junk in there anyway?

It will never fit in your

side of the room again.

Elizabeth, I was

meaning to ask you.

Do you really need

all your closet?

Yes, and all of yours too.

Joannie, how much longer

is this gonna take?

Oh, we're about percent

done, look.

If I've to carry one more box,

you're gonna have to carry me.

Oh, cheer up, Susan. At least

Tommy got room insurance.

What's room insurance?

Well, dad wouldn't

dare kick us out

until we paid him back

all his parking tickets..

Oh, girls. Boy, am I glad

I caught you before you finish

because guess what

the big news.

Your grandfather is

gonna stay with us.

- Oh.

- Oh, no.

You're pulling our legs.

Okay, you're breaking

our backs.

I'm sorry, it's just

that he's having

a really hard time,

and he needs us.

Well, couldn't he need us

from a hotel or something?

- No, Nancy, he couldn't.

- Okay.

Okay, Abby, I understand

but, uh, where are you

planning to put him?

Well, he deserves at least

the same treatment

I gave my mom.

- Yeah.

- Your room.

Our room?

Where are we gonna sleep?

Well, Mary's volunteered her

room to share it, and--

Oh, yeah, that means sharing,

it's sleeping bags on the floor.

Well, I volunteer

to help you move.

How is that?

I said help.

That's what I see.

Well, what do you expect me

to do about it?

Well, talk to Abby, dad, I mean,

we gave up our apartment

for her mother, and now

her dad is in our room.

I mean,

we're in no person's land.

No, no, no, Abby is well

aware of your sacrifices.

She appreciates very

much what you're doing

but what can she do?

Well, I've always heard

the evils of divorce

but this is ridiculous.

I mean, how can senior

citizens act like children?

I wish they were children.

Then I could handle it.

Wait a minute.

Oh, that's it.

Nancy, you're a genius.

- She is?

- Of course!

You guys just never noticed.

What did I say?

Do you remember when

you two were little

and you would go without

speaking a word to each other?

Yeah, you'd make us sit

next to each other

at the dinner table till we

either made up or starved.

Oh, yeah.

I remember starving one time

for twelve long minutes.

Let's see if that

record still holds.

Grandma.

More biscuits, Grandpa Harry?

No, thank you, Nicholas.

Tommy, would please ask

someone to pass me a biscuit?

Oh, sure, grandma,

Nicholas, would you pass

'the biscuits down here,

please?'

Here, Tommy, catch!

There you go.

The behavior at this table

is totally unacceptable.

Ah, not to mention

Tommy and Nicholas.

What is inexcusable,

is inviting people

to dinner without giving

the people who live here

a chance to make other plans.

(Abby)

'Well, dad,

I wish you'd calm down'

because we were only

trying to help.

It would have been

more helpful

if you had given

your invited guest

an opportunity

to make her plans.

In fact, I've totally

lost my appetite

and I would appreciate

it if someone would drive me

back to my apartment. Tommy?

Oh, I'd like to grandma, but..

...I'm grounded until

I pay my tickets.

Yes, as a matter of fact,

the whole family is grounded

on the same grounds.

So maybe, dad, you could drive

mother to the apartment.

'You can use the station wagon.'

I'd prefer to walk.

Katherine Mitchell!

You are the most stubborn

woman in America.

Why not? I have been taking

lessons from you for years.

Oh, really?

Really.

[sighs]

Well, dad

at least they're talkin'

to each other.

- Wasn't it romantic?

- Yeah.

When Grandma Katherine finally

agreed to let Grandpa Harry

drive her home,

I could hear the violins.

And did you see the way

Grandpa Harry

held the door open for her?

I couldn't believe it.

No, if chivalry like

that would come back

maybe even I'd vote

against the RA.

- Doubt it.

- What?

Hey, do you think they'll

take a second honeymoon

or head on back to Pasadena?

Ah, who cares, I just

want my old room back.

Let's go, guys!

Moving day!

Oh, yeah, alright.

Thanks.

Bye.

Stuck with the dishes again.

What else is new?

Oh..

Does this mean Tommy and I

have to move our room?

No, Nicholas, this means

everyone's moving back

to where they belong.

Alright! Will someone else break

the bad news to Tommy?

Oh, yeah, yeah,

I will, Nicholas.

Would you open the door

for us though?

- Yeah.

- It's a deal!

- It's locked.

- What do you mean it's locked?

I always lock my door.

Grandpa Harry, you're back!

- Dad, what happened?

- Well, obviously nothing, Abby.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, your mother is ridiculous.

She wouldn't even let me walk

her to her door.

That's too bad, Harry.

Bad? It's preposterous!

(Nancy)

'Oh, poor Grandpa Harry.'

Does this mean you're going

back to Pasadena all alone?

No.

Means I'll be staying on.

- Staying on?

- How long?

Till I bring Katherine

to her senses!

- A week?

- Two weeks?

Well, the last time

I courted your mother

it took four years.

You're courting her?

Oh, dad..

- It took four years.

- We heard.

Yes, four years.

And so I would appreciate

if you would all endeavor

to keep the noise down.

I'm not as young as I was then,

and I need my rest!

Oh, Mary's floor,

here we come.

Susan, Joannie, I'm so sorry.

Listen, we didn't plan for it

to turn out this way.

[chuckles]

Oh, forget it, daddy.

When it's this crazy

around here

we know one thing for sure.

We're home!

Oh, well,

that sounds good to me.

- Say it again.

- Oh, we're home!

Yes, our favorite

institution!

- Music to my ears.

- Ours too, daddy, ours too.

Is there anymore

pancakes, Joannie?

Hmm, I'll see, Nicholas.

Oh...oh, dad, we have

to see about gettin'

a softer floor in Mary's room.

Oh, what's wrong, Joannie?

I slept great.

I just pretended to convert

to Japanese.

Try it tonight.

It's all in the mind.

No, you know,

it's all in the back.

Well, your father seems to be

getting his sleep this week.

Yeah, he didn't even get up to

hog the bathroom this morning.

I told you,

you didn't have to worry.

I'll wake him up

after you guys leave.

[door bell]

I'll get it.

(Tom)

'Oh, no, no, no, no,

I'll get it.'

You're indecently

cheerful this morning

and anybody that

rings the doorbell

in the middle of breakfast,

should not be greeted

by a smiling face.

Alright, we hear you

We have ears, you know?

Now, just what..

Uh, Thomas. I'm sorry.

I seem to have

misplaced my key.

[whistling]

[instrumental music]

[clears throat]

Dad?

'Would you like

some breakfast?'

Oh, no, thank you.

I've had breakfast.

Goodnight.

[music continues]

He's your father.

You better talk to him.

- Why?

- What will the kids think?

Coming home at breakfast.

What will your mother say?

[chuckles]

Well, we should probably say

that it's the most fun

she's had since she was

courting the last time.

[all chuckling]

Well, hang in there, you guys.

Looks like you're gonna get your

room back up pretty soon.

Yay!

[all laughing]

[theme music]