David, can I ask you a question?
If you're wondering
about asking dad
for a waterbed of your own,
I'd say forget it.
No, thanks.
I like a bed you can trust.
It's a pretty
important question.
Okay, sh**t.
Well, did you ever wish
you were an only child?
You know, actually,
Nicholas, I was.
- Really?
- 'Yeah.'
For about a year
until Mary was born.
Lucky guy. What was it like?
Oh, I can't remember.
You mean, you had
to really be like that
And you can't even remember?
I was pretty young at the time.
I'm young,
and if I was the only Bradford
for just five minutes,
I'd remember.
Look at it this way, Nicholas.
If you were an only child then I
wouldn't have you as my brother.
That would make me very sad.
Well, look at it
this way, David.
You had your chance and blew it.
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in the
early morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles
on everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright
and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled
by the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
Okay, let's try it
one more time.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
...another sh*t.
Missed the second.
...and double play!
Oh.
[sighs]
You missed it.
This just isn't gonna work
without a first baseman.
You got any friends
we could use?
Not today, what about you?
You are the only guy
I met since I moved here.
Maybe there'll be
some guys here tomorrow.
You wanna come back to my house?
- Where is it?
- Come on, I'll show ya.
Now, I want you to remember
to keep your eye on the ball
at all times and get some
more control into that ball.
[laughing]
(Tommy)
'Elizabeth,
that is the first thing'
that a guy notices.
Well, yeah,
but Debbie Altman's
fine the way she is.
Why mess with mother nature?
I don't know, little
give her a whole new dimension
'to her personality.'
(Elizabeth)
'Oh.'
Would you run that by me again?
I am studying the possible
psychological differences
between only children
'and offspring to
multi-sibling family unit.'
- What?
- It's my research project.
For behavioral psyche.
And you're going to study this
multi-sibling family unit?
Yeah, if you don't mind.
You mean you want us
to be human guinea pigs?
Elizabeth, it's just
a series of simple tests.
Abby, do you really think
that you can be
objective with us?
I mean this is
a scientific test, isn't it?
Well, I won't be alone.
Ed Gardner, who's
the leading doctoral candidate
in the department
is gonna help me
and he's an authority
on only children.
In fact,
he has an only child himself.
Well, just what exactly
do you wanna find out about us?
What makes you guys different
from children
in smaller family units?
Oh, that's simple. Looks.
- Brains.
- Mm..
Modesty.
I hope that
Ed Gardner doesn't throw up.
(Mary)
'Hi, Nicholas.'
Hi.
Hey, heh. Hi, Nikki.
'What your friend's name?
I don't think we know him.'
- Bobby.
- Come on, Bobby.
Uh, Bobby, I don't think
I caught your last name.
Don't think you're going to.
Wow, hey, Nicholas,
where'd you get all these?
They belong to
my brothers and sisters.
- How many have you got anyway?
- Seven.
Boy, must be neat
having such a big family.
Today it is.
Yesterday it wasn't.
Here, put some of this
on your mitt.
Yeah, thanks.
You got any brothers or sisters?
Where'd you get your mitt?
Hey, Nicholas.
What's that supposed to be?
Oh, it's a raft
from the army circus.
My brother David gave it to me.
He gave it to you?
Yeah, he said
he was getting too old
for Huckleberry Flynn.
Huckleberry Flynn?
Yeah, he was some kid who've
floated down rivers and junk.
- Do you ever use it?
- Not yet.
Hey, I bet you and me can
go down to Sacramento river
all the way to the ocean.
Yeah.
Maybe after baseball season.
Yeah.
Abby, couldn't this
be multiple choice?
There is no right answer.
I'm after your first impression.
- Would you come on?
- Oh, okay. Um..
The Saint Louis, Missouri.
Saint Louis, okay.
Uh, okay, Susan,
what do you see?
Alfalfa sprout salad
complete with bean curd
and mashed yeast.
(Nancy)
'Susan, that's ridiculous.'
How can Saint Louis
look like mashed yeast?
Hey, I'm hungry, alright?
What's going on in here?
I'm administering
the ink block test
that Ed Gardner devised
for his doctoral thesis.
Mary, what does that
look like to you?
Um, a kidney transplant.
Hay, Abby, can Bobby lunch over?
Uh, sure, Nicholas, as long as
it's okay with his mom.
It's okay, with her.
Thanks, Abby.
Hey, Niks, wait a second.
Well, what do you see?
Hmm.
A piece of paper,
with ink smashed on it.
[instrumental music]
- Huh?
- Oh, oh, hi, Abby.
I'm sorry.
Don't you wanna hear about
my psychology research?
Oh, yes, exactly, what
are you trying to determine?
Well, I'm focusing
on the factors that determine
the psychological development
of children in a large family.
I know the answer to that.
- Oh, what?
- Bathroom privileges.
You.
Okay, guys, now remember
on a grounder, you've gotta
get in front of the ball.
Keep your knees bent.
Keep your glove wide open
so if the ball takes a bad hop
'you can protect it
with your body.'
- 'Okay?'
- Yeah.
Okay, so let me throw you
some high pops, huh?
Now, we gotta work
on our double plays.
Okay, first of all
the key to a double play
'is a pivoted second base.'
Okay, now watch.
Okay, you gotta run,
you gotta pivot on your left
spin to right, and you gotta
zip it into first.
- Okay?
- Wow.
How come you know
so much about baseball?
Hey, they used to call me
Homerun Bradford.
Never heard of ya.
Oh, yeah,
that's back in the dark ages.
Before they let girls
into the little league.
Susan.
There's a phone call for you
a Myron Lounge Berry.
Oh, Myron.
Well, sorry, guys.
Catch you later,
keep practicing, huh.
Nicholas, you better
get inside yourself.
Can we play a little longer?
No, no, there's too much
room cleaning to be done.
Come on, you can pick it up
first thing in the morning.
Okay, see you tomorrow, Bobby.
Yeah, see you, Nicholas.
Bobby, uh, can I drive you
home or something?
No, thanks, Mr. Bradford.
It's not far and I like to walk.
See you, Bobby.
(Bobby)
'See you, Nicholas.'
Bye, now.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Huh? Where are you going?
Oh, I'm just going downstairs
to fix myself a little snack.
No, no, I can't let you do that.
Go downstairs
and stuff yourself
in the middle of the night?
So, bring it back upstairs.
[instrumental music]
[intense music]
[music continues]
(Tommy)
'Hey, who invited
the cookie monster back?'
You know, Bobby, we're
very happy to have you here
as our guest, but, uh
don't you think your parents
are going to be worried?
Why don't we call them?
Bobby, don't you
want us to call your parents?
Well, maybe you could
just tell us your last name.
Why don't you
give us your address?
I'll be happy to drive you home.
I know why he's not talking.
His mouth is always full.
Hay, what's going on?
Bobby, what are you doing here?
Right now, Bobby is excusing you
to have
a private talk in the study.
Thank you, Bobby.
He didn't ask me my last name.
Why should I ask him his?
And you have no idea
where he lives?
He never talked about home.
I just met him.
And all I know is that
he's a great second baseman.
And an expert
of taking the fifth.
Fifth, what?
The fifth amendment to
the constitution, Nicholas.
'It protects you
from thinking on yourself.'
[doorbell rings]
Oh, hi, Ed, come on in.
Listen, something's come up.
So I'm just gonna be
a few minutes.
- Is that okay?
- Oh, I understand, go ahead.
Okay, and can I take your coat?
- Sure.
- Um.
Why don't you start setting up?
I hope you don't mind conducting
interviews in the kitchen.
Not at all, that's usually what
children feel most comfortable.
Oh, good, it's right this way.
I should,
I shouldn't be too long.
- Take your time.
- Okay.
Hi.
'Which one are you?'
Bobby.
Ed Gardner, Bobby.
Nice to know you.
What are those?
Oh, these are few of the tests
we're gonna be
using in the survey.
Looks like school stuff.
Well, actually,
it is school stuff.
But, we're hoping
it'll be fun too.
How can tests be fun?
Well..
Here, let me try
to give you an example.
You like to draw, don't you?
It's okay.
Well..
Draw me a picture.
Oh, it can be anything, Bobby.
You don't have to make it fancy.
I hate to
have to say this, Nicholas.
But I think that
we should call the police.
- The police?
- Yes, Nicholas.
Bobby's parents are probably
very worried about him.
That's why we should file
a missing person's report.
But Bobby's
not a missing person.
We all know where he is.
Yes, but his parents don't.
In this way
the police can find them
and maybe get them
all back together.
But if the police
have to find his parents
how come they are
not the missing persons?
(Ed)
That's really good, Bobby.
Now, if you could
give this a name
what would you call it?
I don't know.
Come on..
Call it anything you want.
Okay, how about
The boy who could
take care of himself?
[intense music]
That's very good.
Um, can I keep this?
- Sure, can I go now?
- Sure, goodbye.
I am sorry. I'm late.
I almost delayed.
Well, it's okay,
I already got a start
with one of your brood.
Really? Well, they said
you were efficient.
Any conclusions?
Well, it's too early to tell ya.
But I detect a high quotient
of self-reliance.
And quite frankly,
a puzzling distrust
of, uh, grown-ups.
That's a Bradford.
Yeah, we-we were thinking
of catching that
afternoon matinee or..
Oh, she says it's not
as good as the original.
Nothing is.
Debbie Altman just takes
pride in her appearance.
Oh, if she had pride,
she wouldn't go through with it.
Oh, come on, you know you'd do
the same thing
if dad could afford it.
(Elizabeth)
'I would not.'
Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you say again, what?
Oh, Tommy, Elizabeth,
the doctor will see you now.
'Just come in
and pull up the couch.'
Yeah, okay.
Now that's a good idea.
Wait, listen, do you wanna go..
Ed Gardner,
I'd like you to meet
Tommy and Elizabeth Bradford.
Nice to meet you, Tommy.
- Elizabeth.
- Hi.
Please be seated.
I can see the similarity between
you and your younger sibling.
Really? I never could.
(Ed)
Our work today
should be very interesting.
Okay, Tommy, ready?
Now what does this
remind you of?
A convertible
that burns oil.
[sighs]
My dad said
the police won't do anything
but take you home.
Yeah, I know.
I didn't think
you were a missing person.
It's okay, Nicholas.
It's not your fault.
It's nobody's fault.
We can still be
friends, can't we?
Sure.
[Tommy coughing]
You guys are doing great. Now,
we're gonna do another test.
It's, um, word associations.
Now, I'll say a word,
and we'd like you to respond
with the first thought
that pops into your head.
- Be careful.
- Take care of yourself.
Now, it's important that
you go with your instincts.
Don't stop and think
about the answer.
Just blurt it out.
- That's right.
- 'Okay, ready?'
Here we go.
Smile.
- Steve Robinson.
- Debbie Altman.
Interesting.
Alright.
'Telephone.'
- Steve Robinson.
- Debbie Altman.
Hmm.
How about, uh...water?
- Steve Robinson.
- Debbie Altman.
Debbie Altman?
Oh, I'd love to see
her in a bathing suite.
- Hmm.
- Steve Robinson?
Yeah, he's on the swim team.
[clears throat]
I think that we should try, uh..
...another test.
[knocking on door]
I'll get it.
Oh, hi.
Uh, and a good day
to you too, uh..
- Joannie?
- Susan.
I-I'm sorry, I should've known.
Uh, may I come in?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Why do I
always get these clones?
Hey, dad,
it's the long arm of the law.
Oh, Officer Bernstein.
Good to see you.
We have
an awkward situation here.
Uh, yeah, so, what else is new?
Listen, this report
came in on a missing child.
Right after you called.
It's on a male, Caucasian.
Age nine, inches height.
Sandy brown hair.
'Brown eyes,
no identifiable birth marks.'
'Does that sound
familiar to you?'
Yep, real dragnet.
Yes, that's him.
Whose name is,
Taylor, Bobby Taylor.
Have you notified his parents?
They must be worried sick.
Well, actually,
the report says that
Bobby has no parents.
He's a foster child.
Oh, dad, no wonder
he didn't wanna go back.
People that he lives with
happen to be
very concerned about him.
He's upstairs in Nicholas' room.
I'll go get him.
(Bernstein)
'Thanks.'
You know, it doesn't seem fair.
Murders are being committed
and all the police have to do
is take little boys
'where they don't wanna go.'
Look, Susan, they keep
a very close watch
on foster families
in this state.
Those people have to take
very good care of Bobby.
Yeah, then why doesn't he
wanna leave here?
There's no accounting for taste.
Bobby, this is
Officer Bernstein.
Hiya, Bobby.
Ready to go?
Hey, don't forget Bobby, uh
Homerun Bradford still owes
you a hitting session.
Yeah, and we're gonna practice
our double plays.
[dramatic music]
Come on, son. Let's go.
[door closes]
[engine revving]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
Hey, Nicholas.
What are you doing inside
on such a beautiful day?
Nothing to do.
I guess you're, uh..
Guess you're pretty worried
about Bobby, huh?
Abby, how come Bobby doesn't
wanna live with the Fosters?
With who?
The Foster family.
You know, where dad said
they were taking him back to.
Oh, I see, well, um..
See, I-I guess we didn't
explain this very good.
It's-it's not that,
that Bobby lives
with a family named foster,
he lives with a foster family.
Isn't that what I just said?
Not exactly,
see foster can be a name
but it can also be a word too.
And it means to raise
o-o-or to care for.
'You see Bobby's foster family
is a family'
that's agreed to raise
and care for Bobby
in place of his real family.
Why doesn't his real parents
do it?
Mm...I-I don't know, i-it, um..
...it could be a lot of reasons.
'Maybe he doesn't have any.'
No parents?
I guess, I'm pretty lucky, huh?
Guess, we both are...
pretty lucky.
Abby said that she'll be
right down, Mr. Gardner.
'Don't get up.'
Please, Mr. Bradford,
just call me Ed.
Oh, alright, thanks, I'm Tom.
How are the, uh, tests going?
[sighs]
- Slow.
- Slow? My children?
Oh, please, Tom, it has
no reflection on them.
It's just that, uh, with all
the data we're discovering
I'm...being thrown off balance.
Oh, my children have got me
off balance for years.
Even since the stork
delivered David
in the hospital parking lot.
Ooh, must have been scary?
No, only when the cars
we were blocking kept honking.
If that had happened to me,
I think I'd never have
the courage to continue
with sibling number two.
Let alone three through eight.
Courage has nothing to do
with it. It's all luck.
Luck, I'd say you've been
plagued with burdens
that would destroy most men.
Somehow even when
you're off balance
you don't think
of your children as burdens.
They're blessings, Ed.
Blessings.
Hmm.
Here, Tom, have a look.
- What is this?
- Tell me what you think it is?
I asked you first.
Well, it's quite obvious.
It's a..
It's part of the test
that I'm giving your children.
Really, that's what
I thought it was.
And it would be
very helpful to the study
if you would tell me
what you see in this picture.
That would help them?
Possibly could indicate
meaningful psychological
correlations between
parent and offspring.
- That?
- This.
(Ed)
'Now, just relax, Tom.'
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Just tell me
what you see in this.
Witchcraft.
Okay, I'll check with her
and, uh..
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Nikki, um,
we gotta use the phone.
How long you're gonna be?
How should I know?
I'm being held.
Debbie just went in for some
self-improvement. That's all.
Oh, come off it, Tommy.
In my opinion she hasn't
improved herself, one bit.
Oh-ho-ho.
You're just jealous, that's all.
[Elizabeth scoffs]
Officer Bernstein?
You're not Officer Bernstein.
I want Officer Bernstein.
What? Yeah.
Does he work there?
Okay, I'll go on hold again.
But this time, don't forget me.
Oh, hi, Nikki,
what are you up to?
Well, I'm trying to find Bobby.
- Any luck?
- Are you kidding?
I can't even find
Officer Bernstein.
- Officer Bernstein?
- Yeah.
I figured if Officer Bernstein
took Bobby home
he know where he lived.
Hey, good thinking.
Except every time
I try to get Officer Bernstein
I get put on hold.
Oh, looks like you're up against
the old bureaucratic stone wall.
But I think
I know a way over it.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, we need some privacy.
Uh, yes,
juvenile division, please.
Uh, y-yes, this is Ms. Nicholas
of the juvenile officers
division.
Uh, yes, well,
we understand that
you had a foster child
named Bobby Taylor
processed through your office
yesterday as a run away.
Well, we'd like an address check
for our computer, please.
[whispers]
They're lookin' it up.
Uh, yes, uh, ,
West Prospect Street.
And the family's name
is Spinney.
- Spinney?
- Uh, Spinney.
Uh, no, no, that would be all.
Yes, thank you very much.
Thank you.
- So much for stone walls.
- Alright!
Alright.
[sighs]
I don't know, I don't know,
what I'm supposed
to do with this one..
Just check that out for me.
- This right here.
- That's right.
- No, but--
- Hi.
Oh, you're just the sibling
we were looking for.
Can you, can you sit down?
Do you have time to be tested?
Uh, no, sorry, I can't,
Nicholas is waiting in the car.
- Hey, guess what?
- What?
- We found where Bobby lives.
- Good.
(Susan)
'Yeah. I'm taking Nicholas
over to his house.'
Can I borrow
the car keys, please?
Sure, yeah.
- It's, uh, right on the top.
- Thanks a lot.
- 'Bye.'
- Catch you later.
Uh, what do you mean,
going over to Bobby's?
You mean one of my favorite
Bradfords isn't a Bradford?
Oh, you mean you thought he was?
Well, of course. It's--
No, no, no, no.
See, Bobby's a foster child.
But he doesn't seem
very happy at home.
He sure seemed happy here.
I've got him computed
into all my statistics.
Does it count
if he wants to be a Bradford?
I beg your pardon?
- It was a joke.
- Oh...oh!
[chuckles]
[instrumental music]
- Guess that's it.
- It's nicer than I thought.
Yeah, it's okay.
Guess things have
really improved
since those old
Shirley Temple movies.
Uh, excuse me,
are you Mrs. Spinney?
Oh, yes, what can I do for you?
Oh, hi, I'm Susan Bradford,
this is my brother Nicholas.
Oh, you're Bobby's friends.
Oh, he never stops talking
about your family.
Could we talk to Bobby?
Oh, I'm sorry, Bobby's gone
shopping with my husband
and I'm not sure
when he'll be back.
I guess, you were
pretty worried the other night
when Bobby stayed at our house.
We were very worried.
But...we had been expecting
something like this to happen.
- You've been expecting it?
- Well, yes.
Since his parents d*ed
Bobby's been in five different
foster homes
and, well, he's run away
from all of them.
They must have been
pretty bad places.
- Not if they're like this.
- Oh, thank you.
But in Bobby's case, it's not
a question of good or bad
he's looking for a real family.
'One he can be part of
for the rest of his life.'
Well, what about adoption?
Well, most couples want babies,
not nine year olds.
Why don't you adopt Bobby?
We'd like to, Nicholas,
Bobby's a nice boy.
But...my husband and I
are going to retire next year
and I don't think
it would be fair to Bobby.
He needs a younger family.
Come on, Susan, we gotta go.
Oh, goodbye, Mrs. Spinney. It
was really nice talking to you.
Goodbye. I'll tell Bobby
you came by.
Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.
What's the big hurry?
There's a family we gotta
talk to, before it gets too old.
- You wanna, what?
- Adopt Bobby.
Come on, dad, what's one more?
Do you want me to break it down
for you in dollars and cents?
I think it looks like, um,
a desolate man walking aimlessly
through a jungle
of materialistic chaos.
[scoffs]
You're crazy.
It's obviously
a close-up of an insect
walking through
a deep pile of carpeting.
No, no, no,
it's out of the question.
What's out of the question?
Dad, we wouldn't have
to adopt Bobby.
We could just take over
as his foster family.
- Who's Bobby?
- You wanna adopt Bobby?
(Susan)
'Abby, he needs
a permanent home.'
Yeah, so he doesn't have
to run away anymore.
(Abby)
'Well, where would he sleep?'
We could convert
the screen porch, easy.
Who's Bobby?
Aren't there zoning laws
that prohibit
more than eight kids
to a bathroom.
Come on, this is not funny.
No, of course,
it isn't, Nicholas.
And that's why
we can't rush into it.
Is Bobby's foster home that bad?
No, but he needs
a younger family.
Who's Bobby?
I know you two mean well..
We all care about Bobby
but there could be
a lot of problems.
It's just not practical.
Can't you see that?
Yeah, it's what grown-ups say,
when they mean no.
Well, now that
I don't know who Bobby is
would someone not tell me
what's going on?
- Mr. Gardner.
- Hmm.
May I talk to you for a minute?
Of course, uh..
- Uh, Nancy.
- Nancy, right.
What can I do for you?
I'd like you to take
a look at these.
Oh, I hate to disappoint you,
Nancy, but the truth is
I'm the one
conducting the survey.
Oh, I don't want your opinion
as a psychologist
I want your opinion
as a customer.
A what?
How much do you think
I could sell these for, huh?
- Those?
- Yes.
I know it's pretty obvious in
the test you've been giving me
that I'm frustrated
as a mere worker.
- Not really.
- I am.
And I've been looking for
a respectable business.
One that I could get into
with a very little investment.
What could be better than blots?
- It's a business?
- Yeah, why not?
I figure, whatever
you're paying for
for your blots,
I will charge double.
Well, I really didn't buy
my blots. I made them.
Oh. Oh!
Well, Mr. Gardner,
maybe you are a likely prospect.
Mr. Gardner, take a look
at my lovely..
[knocking on door]
(Tom)
'Nicholas, may I come in?'
It's your house.
[door opens]
No, no, it's our house.
Well, then how come Bobby
can't live in our house?
Well..
That's what I wanna
talk to you about.
You mean you changed your mind?
No, but I-I think I'd have to
owe you an explanation.
You know, adoption
is not such a simple thing.
It's not just a matter
of having Bobby
live here in the house with us.
He would become
a part of this family.
An equal part.
Besides, the financial
responsibilities
there are-are
emotional ones too.
And right now, this family
has their hands full, Nicholas.
He wouldn't be any trouble.
You wouldn't even know
he was around.
Yeah, but do you think
Bobby is looking for a family
that doesn't even
know he is around?
I'll know he was around.
Bobby needs more than
a friend his own age.
He needs parents that can
give him a lot of attention.
Well, you can take some of my
attention and give it to him.
That's very generous of you,
Nicholas.
But it wouldn't be fair to you.
Or to him.
'I mean, suppose
we did adopt Bobby'
and then all of a sudden,
another family comes along
that would be even
better for him.
The foster lady said, no one
wants a nine year old boy.
Sure they do.
It just takes time, that's all.
Nicholas, you gotta stop
worrying about Bobby.
He is under the care
of the proper authorities.
He is exactly
where he should be.
[instrumental music]
Okay, it's my turn.
Um, Ed Gardner?
Pipe smoke!
Oh, Mary, that's so obvious.
Look, do I give bad reviews
to your associations?
Come on, Joannie, well, what
would you say to Ed Gardner?
Well, anything
but pipe smoke. Gee!
Come on, Elizabeth,
give me another one.
Mm, Officer Bernstein?
Notebook.
Cuddly.
Touche!
Only one answer
to a question, please.
Mm, okay, it's my turn.
Um, I'll think of someb..
Um, Bobby Taylor?
- Bobby Taylor?
- Sad.
Yeah, exactly.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Bobby?
Bobby?
Did you sleep okay?
Little cold.
I'll bring you some more
blankets tonight.
Thanks, Nicholas.
But I can't stay here.
No bathroom? Don't worry.
I'll show you a shortcut
to the service station.
That's not it, Nicholas.
The police will be
coming for me.
Are you sure?
They always do.
Where will you go?
I've been thinking about that.
Down the river?
Yeah.
All by yourself?
Unless I could find some friend.
- I'll go.
- You?
Why not? Huckleberry Flynn
had a friend.
I don't know
about that, Nicholas.
Come on, Bobby,
I wanna go with ya.
Well, okay. After all,
it is your raft.
Yeah.
Now that that's settled,
let's think about breakfast.
Good thinking.
Okay.
[yawns]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Nicholas. Boy, are you up early!
Yeah, it makes the day
last longer.
Would you like some
blueberry pancakes?
Um, no thanks, Abby.
I'm kind of in a hurry.
You're turning down
blueberry pancakes?
No, I'm turning down waiting
for blueberry pancakes.
Should we blow up the raft here,
or after we get to the river?
Here. It never hurts
to be ready.
Where are we rafting to, anyway?
Wherever the river
takes us to, I guess.
How long does it take
to get to the river?
Not long, once we
find out where it is.
You mean, you don't know?
How should I?
I've never been there.
But don't worry, we'll both
know when you get us a map.
Come on, Abby, just
a sneak preview, please.
Nope, nobody gets
the results of the test
until Ed and I turn the menu.
You just have to settle
for pancakes.
[grunts]
Pancakes?
Um, did I hear somebody
mention pancakes?
- Uh-huh.
- Blueberry pancakes.
What's the occasion?
[in German accent]
Professor Bradford sibling
studies
are drawing to a close.
Her pent-up maternal instincts
are erupting in pancakes.
- Oh, you mean no more blots?
- Nope.
Ed is packing up
his couch and going home.
No, we'll tell him
to pack his pipe.
This place is becoming
a permanent smotherloo.
Abby, when do we get
the final test results?
That depends on how much peace
and quiet we get around here.
- Peace and quiet?
- 'Hmm.'
In other words, we'll never
get the test results.
I am not jealous
of Debbie Altman.
That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
Uh-huh, I bet you,
you can't wait
to do the same thing yourself.
I wouldn't do that.
I'm perfect the way I am.
Look at you guys.
This has been driving
Joannie and I crazy for days.
I mean, what is it
with you two and Debbie Altman?
Go ahead, tell them, chauvinist.
I'll bet they'll agree with me.
Huh?
Okay, if a girl
doesn't like her looks, you know
and she feels she needs
something extra..
But she doesn't.
But it's her body, isn't it?
'I mean, i-if she has the money'
and she wants
to look really foxy..
Why shouldn't she
get her teeth capped?
- Teeth capped?
- No, no reason at all.
[doorbell ringing]
Must be Ed Gardner. I'll get it.
(Tom)
'Okay.'
Well, aren't you
the early bird? Oh..
Actually this morning
I feel more like the worm.
So when the Spinneys
called to report
that Bobby was missing again
this was the first place
that I thought of again.
I wish I could help you.
We haven't seen Bobby since, uh,
well, since you picked him up.
I don't even think
Nicholas has seen him, really.
What are you doing here?
Oh, Nicholas,
maybe you can help.
Officer Bernstein
is looking for Bobby.
Have you seen him lately?
No.
Oh, cheer up, Nicholas.
We'll find him for you.
Well, sorry to have bothered
you again, Mr. Bradford.
Oh, no problem.
If there's anything
we can do for you
please, just let us know.
Well, you could move
to New Jersey.
But until then, thanks a lot.
Do you know anybody in Jersey?
[chuckles]
Move to New Jersey!
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
- You got the map?
- Yeah.
Okay, we gotta hurry up
and get out of here
before the cops come.
Okay.
Now, did you find the river?
No, but I think
I found the ocean.
Hey, how are we gonna
get this thing out the door?
I don't know!
Come on, Nicholas, open up!
Come on!
I know you're in there.
I can't!
(Tom)
'I'll deal with you later.'
- But, dad.
- March.
It's my fault.
Nicholas was just
trying to help me.
We'd all like to
help you, Bobby.
Sure you would.
You gonna call the cops now?
Yeah, I'm afraid I have to.
They can't make me stay
where I don't want to.
No, they can't.
You can run away again
and again and again.
But if you stop
to think about it
you'll realize that running away
isn't gonna solve anything.
Well..
...guess I better
get it over with.
Oh, yes, this is Tom Bradford.
[clears throat]
Officer Bernstein
was over my house this morning
looking for a missing child.
'Would you tell him'
'that Bobby Taylor
has come back here?'
Yes, he'll be waiting
here for him.
Thank you.
Sorry, we had to
do it this way, Bobby.
But...I hope we can
still be friends.
Bobby?
[indistinct chatter]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
When I thought
that Bobby was here
'and you said that he wasn't,
he really was.'
And then when I didn't think
that he was here
and you called
and said that he was.
- Mm-hmm.
- 'Now he really isn't?'
You know, Mr. Bradford
sometimes I wonder
what I did to deserve you.
Nicholas, do you know
where Bobby is?
He wouldn't have floated down
to Sacramento without me.
Yeah, and we checked
the play house.
Yeah, it was nothing
but wall-to-wall raft.
Did you guys notice
a cop car outside?
Oh, no, not again.
Yeah, my sentiments exactly.
And I think my sergeant's
gonna feel the same way.
At least when he ran away
to us we knew he was safe.
Well, do you think the police
are gonna do anything?
Oh, why wait for the police?
I mean, they'll probably
just put two guys on the job.
- We've got eight.
- Uh, make that nine.
Yeah, what are we waiting for?
Let's go. I'll take Elm Street.
Okay, okay.
[indistinct chatter]
I'll be right with you.
[instrumental music]
Is this seat taken?
That's pretty nice mitts,
you got there.
It does the job.
Mind if I take a look?
Don't stretch out the fingers.
Okay.
Awful lot of oil in this pocket.
- You gotta work it in.
- Oh.
How'd you find me anyway?
Well, I had
a little inside information.
Still had that picture you drew.
Oh.
You know, when I was your age
I used to work out my problems
on the nearest way I can find.
Just like you.
What kind of problems
did you have?
Mm, not being good enough
to get on a baseball team
for one.
That's not my problem.
- Mine's a lot worse.
- Oh, I know.
But there are people
who are trying to help.
Who, social workers?
They just keep sticking me
in foster homes.
Doing the best they can.
They have a pretty tough job.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I gotta take care
of myself.
Yeah. And I bet you do
a pretty good job at it too.
Yeah, but who else is there?
Well, well, I was hoping
that I could help you
and, uh...you could help me.
I know you were concerned
for Bobby
but it was wrong to lie.
But is it right to squeal?
Trusting people who you love
is not squealing.
We're just as concerned
about what happens to Bobby
as you are.
Dad, what is gonna happen
to Bobby?
I don't know, Nicholas.
But one good thing
has happened to him already.
- What?
- You.
(Susan)
Dad!'
Dad, Ed Gardner found Bobby.
[sighs]
Well, that's uh,
very impressive detective work.
Well, don't forget
child behavior is my specialty.
Well, it's mine too.
How come it never seems
to help around here?
That's what makes
this house so exciting.
It's totally unpredictable,
uninhibited, un..
- Unprintable?
- Oh.
(Ed)
Exactly.
Can't tell you
how dull my house is
compared to yours.
Oh, what I'd give
for an hour of quiet and dull.
Mm, I'm getting to feel
just the opposite.
It looks like it's more fun
living with multi-siblings
than just studying them.
- Ooh!
- Ahem.
What would your wife
and daughter say to that?
I'll let you know
after I clear with Mrs. Spinney
for Bobby to spend the night.
Oh, and then what?
Well, he's still
my favorite Bradford.
We'll see what happens.
Whoa!
Good catch.
Hey, wanna be our first baseman?
Sure.
I wouldn't worry
about being bad at Baseball.
You'll teach me?
Well, we could see about that.
[instrumental music]
Oh, that's great.
Oh, that's so wonderful. Okay.
Okay, we'll talk to you soon.
Be in touch, bye-bye.
That was Ed Gardner.
- Oh, how's Bobby?
- He's great.
They're just getting ready
to file the adoption papers.
Oh, good. That means Bobby
won't have to run away anymore.
- Yeah, too bad.
- What?
Nicholas, you sound like
you want Bobby to run away.
It was fun
when he spent the night.
He can still spend the night.
Only now his parents
will know where he is.
Oh, Abby, did Ed say anything
about the research project?
As a matter of fact, he did.
Well, tell us
who's the strangest sibling
of them all?
[giggles]
Ed and I are gonna have to
scrap your test results.
Aw, how come?
(Abby)
'Well, we're not sure, see?'
It could have been
improper factor analysis.
Or maybe we just lost track
of the, of the differential
variables.
We don't know.
Can you say that again
in English, please?
Uh, yeah.
The computer discovered
that the Bradfords
are in no way
your typical multi-sibling
family.
Hmm, what else is new?
We are so far from normal
we couldn't even fit
the results on the graph!
Well, when you're weird,
you're weird.
The computer did come up
with one suggestion.
And what is that?
- To retest.
- Retest?
Uh, speaking of that very thing
I-I have to study
for one, okay, bye.
You know how the old school work
piles up.
I think, I think
my plants need water.
(Elizabeth)
'I-I'll get the water, Joannie.'
(Nancy)
'And I have
a phone call to make.'
You know how hard it is,
working on double plays?
Don't look at me,
the last time I was a sibling
they called 'em
brothers and sisters.
[theme music]
[music continues]
03x22 - The Kid Who Came to Dinner
Watch/Buy Amazon
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.