06x05 - The Cage

[bunniefuu]

Agh! Pissface!

Right. Agh!

Pusface! Get off!

Get off, you idiot!

Oh, silly boys.

Er, hi, Auntie Val.

Well, get up, then.

God, you're such an arsehole.
You're the arsehole!

Oh, you are going to behave tonight,
aren't you?

Sorry, where's our normal mum? Yeah.

Erm, she's not here.

Not here? m*rder*d her, have you?

Oh, very funny.

No, your mum's, erm...in hospital.

Hospital? What?

Don't worry, she's absolutely fine.

Hospital?

She's with your dad.
They'll be back soon.

She's just had a little...

..procedure.

What, like a...woman's procedure?

Exactly. A woman's procedure.

So that means? That means don't ask.
Hm.

Correct. So, while Mummy's away,
I'm Mummy.

Aww!

But why didn't she tell us?

Cos she didn't want to worry you,
did she?

Er, we're not children. Naughty!

Sorry. We are children.

Dad's handiwork? Have a guess.

I can't believe she didn't say
anything.

CREAM SQUIRTS

Jonny!

She's not having her head removed,
she's just having a...

BOTH: Woman's procedure.
That's right.

Whatever that is.

Well, it can only be one of two
things, can't it?

Higher or lower.

Ugh! Don't be so disgusting.

I reckon higher. Lower.
Definitely lower.

Hmm... I think higher.

MUFFLED SHOUTING
Boys!

Argh!

Pusface!

Anyway, I'm just here to help out a
little - tidy up, make dinner.

What? But Mum makes dinner
on Friday nights. Yeah.

Ohhh, but does Mum make roast lamb
for dinner?

Oh, my God, lamb.
SIZZLING

I like this new Mummy.
You can strangle the old one.

That's my Bobbles. Come on.

Seriously, you can strangle her.

SHE CHUCKLES
Stop it!

So...I hear you've got yourself
a girlfriend.

Ohh, Auntie...

We were worried about you.

Jonny's got a girlfriend too,
you know. Where is he?

I thought maybe you were asexual.

A sexual what?

No, asexual - having no sexual needs
or desires.

Oh, my God. No sexual needs
or desires.

PHONE CHIMES
Ugh.

Ooh. Is that Mum?

Not quite.

Yeah, that's definitely not Mum.

What do you think?

Of the stupid, topless man?
SHE TUTS

I tell you, this app is full of
gorgeous men

just waiting for my finger.

No need to tell us any more.

Like, so many. Any more.

What about this one?

Also topless. This one's just...
Oh, my God.

"Loverboy"?

Definitely a sex robot.

His real name's Colin.

Definitely not a sex robot.

I'm obsessed. I've been stalking him
on here for months.

That sounds healthy.

This one here ate like an effing
pig. Right.

I still slept with him! Er...

And with him.

Goodbye, then.
SHE LAUGHS

PHONE CHIMES
Ooh!

Just keep walking out the house?

Hi, Bobbles!

Hi, Mum! Thank God you're here.

Oh!

You all right?

Are you all right? I'm fine.
I'm a bit tired, but I'm fine.

She's quite sore. Thank you.

Very sore. Martin!

I can't believe you didn't tell us.

I'm sorry,
but I didn't want to worry you.

Ooh!

She really is extremely sore.

Seriously?

You know I had to have a little...

ALL: ..procedure.
We know.

What?

Higher or lower?

Ohh, Adam!

MARTIN LAUGHS
Higher or lower!

Jackie! Horrible.

Where's Val?

In the dining room
organising an orgy.

Oh, she's not on that thing again,
is she?

It sends her bloody mad.

Hi, Jackie, welcome home.

There you are! Thanks for helping
out.

Oh, don't be silly.

Hmm. Aww.

Er, Val?

Oh, sorry. How are you feeling?

She's incredibly sore.

Oh, please stop telling everyone
I'm sore all the bleeding time.

Oh, go through.

Well?

Lower.

And I got your pillow and your
blankie.

Aww, my blankie.

This is your oasis of calm, Jackie.

Thanks.

And I've prepared a lovely...
PHONE CHIMES

Swingers' party? ..dinner, but
there's no rush, love.

You eat whenever you're ready.

Aww, what would we do
without Auntie Val, eh?

Rejoice? Do you want to eat out of
the bin tonight, Martin?

Ooh, the bin!

Yeah, not really a deterrent.

One minute.

Oh, not another one!

Oh, that's where I put it!
SHE SIGHS

Lads, this stuff is amazing.

You can mend anything with it.

Yes, and you have been mending
anything with it.

LAUGHTER

PHONE RINGS
Is that my phone?

Is it your phone?

Huh?

Pissface, where have you put it?

Boys?

Strange.

It seems to be coming from in there.

Jonny...

Huh?

RINGING CONTINUES

Pissface!

Hmm? How did that get there?

You bloody...
Hadn't you better answer it?

It is your girlfriend.

You sh*t!

Hi, Lucy.

Sorry, I can't talk right now,
it's a bit inconvenient...

HE SCREAMS

Agh, you bastard!

See ya, Pusface!

HE LAUGHS
Woo-hoo-hoo!

What are you doing, you moron?

Skill McGill.

Thank you, you d*ck.

Please!

God! How am I meant to get
all this crap off?

Oh, Jonathan.

I told you that stuff was good.
You should see the reviews.

Ooh, do you have a printout?

I do, actually look - four out of
five stars.

Right, the lamb. Thanks, sweetie.

PHONE CHIMES
Ooh, my God!

And orgy confirmed.

OK, will you please stop being
so horrible to Auntie Val?

She is making us dinner out of
the kindness of her heart.

While attempting to sleep with
every man in Britain.

Adam!

And will you please put
that horrible stuff away!

VAL: Oh, my God!

He likes me, Jackie. He likes me!

Who likes you?

Oswald Mosley?
HE SNIGGERS

Val? Who likes you?

Loverboy.

Sorry? He's a sex robot.

- His name's Colin.
Colin?

Not a very good sex robot.

From my app! I've been
stalking him for months.

Have you?
BOTH: Yup.

Well, just look at him.

Er, where's his shirt?
None of them have shirts.

Boiling. Martin, put your top on.

What? Now.

PHONE CHIMES
He wants to meet tonight.

Tonight? He's gonna pick me up.

PHONE CHIMES
In minutes!

What? From your house?

My house? I don't have time to
go to my house, Jackie.

He'll come here.

BOTH: Here?

But we haven't had our dinner yet.

Sorry, I am not missing out
on a piece of that.

We'll just have to
have dinner now. Now?

Well, we don't want him strolling in
while I'm stuffing my face, do we?

No, of course not, it's just...I'm
really not ready to eat right now.

Dinner is now.

OK, we really don't have long,

so we'll just have to eat
as fast as possible.

Will we? Yes.

This lamb's gonna take, what,
five minutes to eat?

- That'll be enjoyable.
- No, four minutes.

Four minutes for my lovely lamb?

And then two minutes for dessert.
Bleeding hell, Valerie.

Well, sit down, sit down.

Wait! What am I gonna wear?

What am I going to wear?

A straitjacket?

Argh! Valerie!

I'm going to have to wear some of
your clothes.

Jackie, can I wear some of your
clothes?

- Heart att*ck in precisely ten
seconds.

- Can I wear some of your clothes,
Jackie?

Yes, you can wear some of my
clothes!

Well, get on with it! Eat up!

Delicious, terrifying dinner.

Um, Val. Mm-hm? Maybe you should
try and take it a bit slower.

Slower? Jonathan, you can put more
in your mouth, you know.

Mm?!

Mmm! No, I mean with this guy,
what's his name?

Fuckbot .

Ow!

Martin!
DOORBELL RINGS

Where are you all going?

To get the sodding door
and then k*ll ourselves.

You can't all go,
it's going to slow everything down.

You go, boys. Take your plates.

You can eat on the way.

Really? Mmm!

Well, get on with it, you two!

I could be eating out the bin.

Your boys better not ruin
my bloody evening.

Your bloody evening?

Er, Mum? What?

Why did you order a dog cage?

Erm, I had to have the dog cage sent

to your house, Jackie, because
I didn't want to upset Milson

if it turned up at my house.

- Well, that makes sense.

- Milson's a very nervous mammal.

Why do you need a bloody dog cage?

An extra-strong, galvanised steel,
heavy-duty bloody dog cage?

seconds to finish your lamb.

seconds.

- This is a nightmare!
Jim, why do you need a dog cage?

Um, is it all right if we talk
in there, Jackie? Away from...

..you know.

MILSON WHINES

The living room.

Well?

What? Oh, yes! We have to have a
cage,

you see, because Milson's been
a very bad dog recently.

Very bad.

Really? What's she done?

What hasn't she done?

She sat on my chair,
she licked a sock, she ate bones.

Er, dogs are meant to eat bones.

Are they?

We're coming, love.
We're coming. It's OK.

Something's come up.
He's gonna pick me up later now.

Panic over.

Panic over?

I just swallowed half a bleeding
kilogram of meat in three seconds.

Yeah, all right!
It wasn't my fault, was it?

Well, whose sh1tting fault was it?

Er, Jackie, say something.

Val, love, I'm really not feeling
very...

Oh, right. I see.

Well, thank you very much
for the support, Jackie.

But...

And Colin is not a bloody sex robot!

- Sex robot?

Oh, I need to sit down.

Jackie, is it all right if I
assemble the cage in here?

You know, for testing purposes?

WHISPERS: Away from Milson.

Jim, I really don't care
what you do tonight, OK?

OK, Jackie.

I'll just pop Milson back home
and go and fetch my tools.

Ooh, but don't worry I won't need
feeding cos I have my peach.

HE SLURPS

Ooh!

Are you all right, Jackie?

I'm fine, Jim, fine.

I had to have a little...
ALL: ..procedure.

Yeah, Jim.

I see, Jackie.

Higher or lower?

HE SLURPS

JIM HUMS TO HIMSELF

Well, this is a fantastic evening,

watching a grown man bashing away
at a giant cage.

Are you sure you need
all those extra bolts, Jim?

Oh, yes, Martin, the cage has to
be particularly secure,

otherwise Milson might...

HE WHIMPERS

MARTIN SIGHS

Where's this bloody dessert?
Better be crumble.

Ooh! Crumble!

HE GROANS SOFTLY

Maybe I should go and talk to her.
I've got to say something.

- What, like, "Please piss off"?

Dessert, everyone?

Finally!

WHOOSHING

Oh, definitely not, Jim!

Um, hi.

I hope you like
what I've made you all tonight.

I'm sure we will.

- Basically, is it crumble?
Yeah. It's a surprise.

A surprise? What's that bloody mean?

Ugh. I'm sorry, love.

No, I'm sorry, Jackie.

I shouldn't have spoken to you
like that before.

I overreacted. You didn't.

She did.

I think I'm just so nervous about
meeting this guy later, you know?

Yeah, erm, it's OK.

It's your evening and you
certainly don't need me ruining it.

We certainly don't.
Will you shut your bloody face?

Right! Dessert.

Oh, I'm mad - I left it in the
kitchen!

SHE CHUCKLES

OK, will you please all stop now?

What the hell's a surprise dessert?

How do I bloody know?

Better not be her rice pudding.

Oh, God, her rice pudding.

So thick. So lumpy.

Shhh!

Vomit in a bowl.

ALL: Vomit in a bowl!

LAUGHTER

What are you all laughing at?

Vomit. Lovely.

Now, I know how much you like
your crumble in this house.

Crimble crumble! Crimble crumble!

But tonight, I thought I'd make you
something different.

Oh, Auntie! What? Why?

sh1tting hell, Valerie!

Ta-da!

Well, everyone loves Auntie Val's
rice pudding, don't they?

Um... Yeah, of course.

Nice and wobbly.

Ugh.

Actually, tonight, I made this one
extra wobbly.

PHONE CHIMES
Ooh!

Oh. What bloody now?

Are you all right?

Colin's not coming. Not coming?

- Robot malfunction?

A "work thing". Oh, love.

Why do men hate me so much?

What? They don't.

MEN WHISPER: They do.

Oh, Val.

Do you know, whenever Larry
ate my rice pudding,

he'd say to me, "Val, I loved it.

"That was the best pudding I ever
had in my life."

Yeah, well...it's lovely.

And then one night, we're sitting
there, eating my rice pudding,

and he turns to me and says,

"Valerie, I don't love your rice
pudding any more.

"In fact, I never loved it."

But what he really meant was,

"I don't love you any more.
I never loved you."

SHE SOBS

Val!

sh*t on a sh*t.

We're going to have to eat that now,
aren't we?

- Yes, or she'll probably die.

Why can't we just have
some bloody ice cream?

- Yeah.
- Martin, we are eating it.

So unhappy.

Erm, I finished the special cage
so I'll just go and get Milson

for the, you know, big unveiling.

- OK, Jim.

Er, Jim? Hmm?

Do you like rice pudding? Jonny!

- Rice pudding?

- Erm, my mother used to make me
rice pudding.

Did she? Yes, and I hated every
mouthful.

Terrific. I'd rather eat a bowl of
rats' innards

than even a thimble of horrid,
horrid, horrid rice pudding.

Ah, I tried. Oh, but, Jim!

Have you ever eaten Jewish rice
pudding?

Genius.

Jewish rice pudding?

- Yes, Jewish rice pudding. It's....

Delicious. Is it?

ALL: Yes.

And did you know it's a great honour

for a non-Jew to eat Jewish rice
pudding?

An honour?

- The highest.

- I see.

But I don't have my little Jewish
hat!

Here.

HE HUMS

Here you are, Jim.

And is this my special Jewish bowl?

- Yes, but you have to eat them all,
Jim.

- That's the tradition.
- And quickly.

Yeah, the quicker you eat, Jim,
the higher the honour.

- Erm...
- Hurry up!

- Of course, yes.

Shalom.
ALL: Shalom.

CONTINUES HUMMING

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

It's de-delicious!

Faster, Jim, faster!

Go on, Jim.

- Hurry up.
That's it.

Keep going, come on.

HE COUGHS AND RETCHES

Well done that's it.

So tasty!

- Keep going, Jim.
- Mm!

It's an honour.

HE GROANS

- It's just so lovely!
- Yes, lovely.

Last one.

Keep going.

You've done it!

Aaagh!

Well done, Jim.

Jewish blessings upon you.

Yes. Shalom!

Shalom!

It's funny - I always hated my
mother's rice pudding,

but Jewish rice pudding is really,
really...

HE GAGS

..re-ee-ally...
STOMACH RUMBLES

HE VOMITS

Sorry, everyone.

I'm a bit better now.

Ooh, someone liked my rice pudding!

Yeah...

HE BURPS

Oh, there you are, Jim.

Here have some rice pudding.

No, Mummy, no!

HE WAILS
Jim?

Mummy!
DOOR SLAMS

Maybe he just doesn't like rice
pudding.

PHONE RINGS

Argh, Pusface!

Bloody, bloody stuff!

Oh, no! What happened there?

ADAM GIGGLES

Here. Aww, thank you, Adam.

Thanks, love.

Yes. We've always wanted a massive
metal cage in our living room.

Finally.

Pissface! Dimwits!

Um, thanks again for putting up with
me tonight, everyone.

I know I've been a bit, well...

Demented? If it's all right, Val,

I think I might go and have a
lie-down upstairs.

It's been a really long day.

And a really long night.

Um, well, you just take it easy,
Jackie.

Thanks.

Er, yeah, well, Valerie, it's
getting late, so maybe you'd, er...

What?

Oh, right!

I see. OK, then.

And thanks for the rice pudding.

It really was delicious,
wasn't it, lads?

- Oh, yeah.
Delicious.

Goodnight, Martin. Goodnight, boys.

BOYS: Goodnight, Auntie Val.

TEARFUL: You are a wonderful family.

# Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah! #
Has she gone?

ALL: Yes!

Thank bloody God.

DOORBELL RINGS

HE GROANS
Jim?

Oh, crap. It's back on! What is?

My date. His work thing's been
cancelled. He CAN come tonight.

sh*t on it.

He'll be here in minutes!

minutes?! Clothes!
I need clothes.

Horrible.

Disgusting. Having fun?

Well, I can't wear that.

Val...

Actually, Jackie, what about
what you're wearing now?

I'm sorry?

Well, I like that. I mean,
it's quite simple on you,

but on me it might look quite
sexy. Er...

Martin? Well, it might.

Well, come on! Give me your
clothes. Really?

- Definitely time to go.
Yup.

Hurry up! But...

Take your bloody clothes off,
Jackie! Er...

Oh, God!

Oh, God, he'll be here any sec.

Move out my way.
Right, where is it?

WHISPERS: Everything all right?

Bloody hell.

You seen my phone anywhere?

PHONE CHIMES
Oh!

Where is it?

Where?

There it is. In the cage?

What's it doing in the cage? Yeah!
How did that happen? It's a mystery.

Sorry, I don't have time for this.

He'll be here in...
Precisely two minutes. Ugh!

I won't forget this, you know.

And neither will we.

SHE GRUNTS

Oh, hell.

Oh, the bloody thing's stuck.
I can't get it off.

Huh? Mum!

OTHERS LAUGH

Jackie! Sorry, love. Only joking.

Can you open it, please?

OK...

Oh, sh*t.

Mum! You bloody idiot!

What's happened?

Oh! It won't bloody open!

- Oh, my God.
What?!

VAL SCREECHES

Martin!

Ohh...

Get me out!

Val, calm down, calm down.

Calm down? I'm in a cage!
I'm in a cage!

Call Jim. Jim?

He put this thing together - he'll
know what to do.

Er, Jim never knows what to do.
Just call him.

You meant to do this, didn't you,
Jackie?

Huh?! All night, you couldn't wait
to get rid of me.

What are you talking about?
And now you've locked me in a cage!

I'm locked in a cage!

No answer.

Martin, get your saw.

- My saw?! This thing's made of
bloody steel!

Get the sh1tting saw! Christ!

- Hurry!
- I'm bloody hurrying!

DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, sh*t on it.

What?

Er... Valerie?

She's in the cage.

Cage?

- Quickly. Was that Jim?
- What?

No, a different man.

Oh, my God, it's Colin.

Colin's here.

Not that end, you moron!

What? Yes, try not to saw into
Auntie's skull.

COLIN: Hello?
Oh, God!

It's OK, love, I'll get rid of
him. Oh, no, you will not.

I haven't spent six weeks sending
him photographs of my backside

for you to get rid of him.

I'm having this date if it's the
bloody death of me. How do I look?

Like a woman trapped in a cage.

Erm, is this the right house for
Valerie?

Er, that's right. Uh-huh.

SULTRY: Hello. Valerie Lewis.
Lovely to meet you, Colin.

Erm... Why is she in a cage?

Why is she in a cage?
VAL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Why don't you guys leave me
and the lovely Colin here alone

for a while so we can get to know
each other a little, hmm?

Really? Really?

Bye, Jackie.

Er, bye, love. Bye.

So, Colin...

..do you like rice pudding?

The perfect date.

What do we do now, then?

Emigrate?

We could get an ice cream.
Ooh, ice cream!

An ice cream? Yeah, that's what
we'll do,

we'll get a bloody ice cream.
Come on.

What, so we're just going to
leave her there? In a cage?

With a strange man?

He might not be strange.

Yeah, we don't know he's strange.

Hello, all.

Talking of strange.
Feeling better now, are you, Jim?

Not really, but it was worth it for
the...for the great Jewish honour.

HE BELCHES

Shalom.

BOYS: Shalom.

Right, I think Milson's ready now
to see the...

WHISPERS: ..cage, so...

- Um, yeah, Jim.

I'm not sure Milson will be sleeping
in the...

WHISPERS: ..cage tonight.

- Oh, no, Jackie,
Milson won't be sleeping in it.

The cage is for me.

Come on, Milson.

MILSON WHINES

Come on, Milson.

Well, Colin's in for a good night.

# I change shapes just to hide in
this place

# But I'm still, I'm still an animal

# Nobody knows it but me when I slip

# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal

# I change shapes just to hide in
this place

# But I'm still,
I'm still an animal... #