01x02 - The Universe And My Spirit

[bunniefuu]

[PATRONS CHATTERING]

[CUSTOMER] Yo, you gonna order?

You can go ahead of me.

[WORKER] , your order's ready.

[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Order up.

[PATRONS CHATTERING]

- Welcome to Bing-Bang what can I...
- [FLORA] Excuse me. Um...

[ETHEREAL MUSIC]

Welcome to Bing-Bang Burger.
What can I bop you with?

Can I please have Bing...

I'll take one Bing-Bang Burger. Um...

... please. And thank you.

[ETHEREAL MUSIC]

Anything else?

[JONES] No, thank you? That's it?

And then you stepped aside?

[COOTIE CHOKING]

Well...

I was reading that...
that love in a relationship

is built through knowing someone.

Bro.

Pass that sh*t.

I wanna take my time, and move slow,

- and get to know her.
- Hold, wait, what, hold up.

- [JONES LAUGHING]
- What?

One, everything you read
isn't applicable out here.

- sh*t.
- I know, but, I think...

Two, you don't know this girl.

How you just gonna decide
to build love with her?

Three, you brand new out
here. A relationship? Nah.

Keep it a situationship.

What's a situationship?

It's a situationship if you
hook up less than three times.

A relationship is three or more.

Oh.

Okay, yeah. Who made that up?

Uh, the universe and
my spirit. Okay? Look.

If you see this girl at
the lake with someone new,

you're gonna feel some kind of way
if you had sex three or more times.

[COUPLE LAUGHING]

But if you had only did it twice...

Wait, I'm...

I'm kind of really high.

- I think I was in some sort of...
- Hey, that's that hot box.

It'll get you. Just open the window.

[SCAT] How you gonna tell him
to open my window in my room?

I need to figure out how to get
money to go to Bing-Bang tomorrow.

[FELIX] Bro, you ain't
even got money for a burger,

I don't know how you gonna
afford a girlfriend...

[JONES] Don't listen
to these fools, okay?

You don't need no damned money.

- [FELIX] Cap.
- You just need to be you.

You just need to lead with you.

Look her right in the eyes
and be like, say, "I want you."

I want you.

- Damn!
- With your eyes. Don't say that out loud.

[SCAT] Yo, shut up, shut
up, shut up. Watch this.

♪ Parking Tickets ♪
♪ Parking Tickets ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGH]

[MAN] We waste away trying
to overcome the trauma,

anguish, heartbreak,

the agony of loneliness.

Love itself is forged by suffering

that we attempt to tuck
into the smalls of our backs,

but pain tells us we are alive,
and bumps in the road merely reveal

our advance over the tar and pebbles.

- [OPOSSUM HISSING]
- [GIRL LAUGHING]

Let us aspire to cherish the
pain that is gifted to us.

It shapes the crests
and crevices of love.

Revel in it.

Mm, beg for it. Mm, it is
our loot for the triumph

of making the maggots wait another day.

Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing!

[GROUP LAUGHING]

[FELIX] Damn. This sh*t is funny, dude.

- That sh*t's anything.
- [COOTIE LAUGHS]

This sh*t'll never get old, bro.

- This is like...
- That's my favorite character.

- Word?
- Yeah.

The IBS driver, for real?

[SCAT LAUGHS]

- Yo, that's my guy, bro.
- Oh.

Ay, look. I'ma bring
you something, all right?

I'ma hook you up, bro.

Okay.

- Bro...
- [COOTIE LAUGHING]

It's one of the greatest
shows of all time.

[MAMA] You need money for what?

You mean, like, going
back to the club and...

Hey, look, man. Check this out.

We don't give money to people
who don't follow our rules.

Okay? I told you not to do
it, and you did it anyway.

Now, you ain't ready.

And you gonna go out there and get
yourself k*lled and put on display.

Now see, if you pull
back, they'll forget.

They won't forget. Look, it's
done. I'm out there, okay?

Can I hold some money
please? Just a little bit.

'Cause I didn't think about how

- things cost money out there.
- You know what?

You're welcome for the luxury
of being ignorant to that.

You know why you ain't know that?
'Cause I had to feed your big ass.

That's why you didn't know that.

You think the food is
just walking up in here,

a loaf of bread got legs and
just walk up in the house?

Hell naw. I'm working for
it, spending the money,

buying the food, and you eating it.

When you take a sh*t, I
gotta take a coat hanger

and chop the sh*t down in the
toilet. Nah, you don't know that.

You wanna go out there and
make your own rules? Pshh.

Get your own money.

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

What you lookin' at?

[FELIX] Oh, yes. Hey, Cootie. You
are going to love these. Oh my god.

What's up, Mo? How you doing, man?

Can I get this tequila back here too?

- This one right here?
- Yes, sirsky.

Let me see your ID.

Oh, yeah, I, um...

I'll get it.

I'm old enough. And I'll take these too.

- So you got ID?
- [FELIX] Bro, are you kidding me?

Look how big this man is.
He gotta be at least .

I just turned , um...

I left my ID at the office.

f*ck, man.

Okay. I gotta do it for
the Twamp Monster, huh?

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Not you.

Wow, you just a hater. All right, but..

. .

$ and...

... . ?

Hey, bro, I'm tapped out. I
thought one of y'all was gonna...

[SAM] The big man shouldn't
go thirsty or broke.

My name is Sam Spiegel. I'm an agent.

Like a spy?

Sam Spiegel, agent, sports,
talent, açaí products.

f*ck with me.

Let's get you paid playing pro sports.

People want you, bro. They
need you. The 's are on me.

Then can I put these back?

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[SAM] Cootie, can you still
read that card in the dark?

[AUTOMATED VOICE] Bing-Bang. Bing-Bang.

[FLORA] Oh, Jerry. Um..

I wanted to talk to
you about those ideas.

The ones for upping our food game.

Right, so instead of iceberg
lettuce, we get baby bok choy.

Instead of normal diced onions,
we get grilled scallions,

and deep fried king trumpet
mushrooms. The people will go crazy.

We can change the way people eat.

You do realize this is a
multinational corporate chain, right?

Um... yeah.

[OVER INTERCOM] Okay,
here's what's gonna happen.

I need everybody from here to,

but not including, the
big guy in the back.

Hi. Um, when I call you forward,
step forward with your order,

saying it as quickly as possible,

handing me your money,
and stepping to the side.

- [WOMAN ] Double Bing and fries.
- [WOMAN ] One special with extra fries.

- [MAN ] Can I get two singles?
- [WOMAN ] Two Bing-Bangs.

[MAN ] One Bing-Bang, one cola.

Welcome to Bing-Bang Burger.
What can I bop you with today?

Can I have five
Bing-Bang Burgers, please?

Wow.

Five.

Ooh, I don't wanna jinx it, but
I think I met a man who has money

for liquor and a girlfriend.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[PENNIES CLATTERING]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[PENNIES CLATTERING]

There'll be plenty more
where that came from.

[RECORD SKIPS]

What the hell's wrong
with these cushions?

Promise.

Just um...

[PENNIES CLATTERING]

I like your button.

My button?

It looks like they used
a whiter white than usual.

Oh.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

What are you studying?

Twamp Monster. Hey.

Well, I'm studying because I think

the death penalty is a horrific thing,

and I wanna do something about it.

Like what?

It'll be a while until
it's abolished all over.

Okay.

So I'm studying to be an executioner.

Oh.

Capital punishment is
such a horrific thing.

If I can, as an executioner,

change things up a... a little bit,

making their deaths a little
less painful, that's a victory.

But they'll still be...

Most executioners use
the hardcourt method.

The prisoner lays down, they're
strapped in, they wrap the tourniquet,

and immediately inject at a
-degree angle into the vein.

The Stavlisi Method is more humane.

The prisoner's strapped
in, tourniquet applied,

we place our left hand on
the heart of the prisoner,

so they don't feel alone,

and then we inject at
a more awkward for us,

but gentler for them, -degree angle.

I don't... I don't see how that...

Some people go for pie in the sky,
I just want practical solutions.

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- [CUSTOMER ] Man, what the f*ck?

[CUSTOMER ] Aw, man.

Come on.

[CUSTOMER ] Am I still
gonna get my shake?

[FELIX] Mhm. Uh-huh.

Cootie, you don't know
nothing about this. Ready?

You gotta hit 'em with the...
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

- You don't know nothing about that.
- [SCAT] Yo pass that over here. Ay!

[FELIX LAUGHING]

- [COOTIE] What's that supposed to do?
- [FELIX] That's called the [GRUNTS]

Boy, your shoe. Ooh, boy. This
thing stink. Take this, put this on.

Y'all got me tired.

[R&B MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

Thank you.

- [SCAT] Damn, n*gga'.
- Right.

- There's a little bit.
- Uh-uh.

I'm straight.

Ain't nothing in there. Don't
nobody want your spit water.

[PHONE RINGING]

Answer it.

Hello.

- [SAM] Turn on Channel .
- [COOTIE] Turn on Channel .

Ooh, sh*t.

- That's the sports channel.
- Oh, sh*t.

- Mhm-hmm.
- Boy, you finna be famous, bro.

Like, you 'bout to have
your name on Top Ramen,

and like, cereal, and sh*t like that.

- That's something people want?
- Nah, not me.

I wanna see my thing on
the side of a building.

[SPORTSCASTER] The Celtics
edged the Bulls to .

The infamous giant, known
as the Twamp Monster,

is preemptively banned from
every single professional sport,

- including competitive walking.
- [FELIX] Bullshit.

[SPORTSCASTER] Now
owners say his height...

- I didn't even get to try out.
- [SAM] They're afraid of the future.

It wasn't right for you. I
got something better lined up.

He said he has something better for me.

- Like what?
- Tell him you ain't doing no Illuminati.

Oh, um, my manager says no Illuminati.

He says I'm gonna model
at a mall. [LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[SAM] Cootie! I am so
glad that you were down

to fast track that contract.

Asphalt Royalty's brand represents
the hustle of the streets

and the ability of street
hustlas, like you, to rise above.

Lemons to lemonade, cocaine
to cr*ck. You get it.

They want you and all you
represent to represent their brand.

It is smart of you to
monetize your notoriety.

You'll model here, and you'll be
in their online and print campaigns.

You are about to be P-A-Y-E-D.

Tight.

Your people are gonna
be so proud of you, man.

I'll go over there while
you work your magic.

- You remember the position?
- Mm-hm.

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

[SAM] Psst, Cootie!

- [CROWD CLAPPING]
- [GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

Excuse me. If you're gonna
take a picture of me and my boy,

you gotta make sure my
pose is right. Hold up.

Just a little...

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

- You're doing this for money.
- For burgers.

For a girl. Do you even
know her number yet?

- See, I be trying to tell you...
- Hey, Cootie?

So my guy here from Asphalt
Royalty loves your work.

They have an idea.

♪ Bitch better have my money ♪

Hey, Cootie.

So the expression on your face is sad,

as opposed to angry and powerful.

Uh, yeah.

Your hand, just your hand, yeah.

If you could just put
that five inches up.

- [UPBEAT MUSIC]
- [CROWD CLAPPING]

He says "f*cking awesome."

We're gonna do some really cool, new,

cutting edge things. Me and you, bud.

[COOTIE] Yes, yes.

This character's f*cked up. I know.

This character?

This piece has a creative
intention of, um...

- It means something, you know?
- I'm not trying to talk you out of a job.

I just came here to talk
to you about the network.

Again?

One of our campaigns is
this Eviction Defense Action,

and it'd be really cool if you
could join us and be a part of it...

Jones, that all sounds really important,

but I've been working here all day,

and that sounds like
a lot of work, okay?

It.. it is.

I'm learning a lot here. You know,
I'm discovering new things, and...

[JONES] Exactly. I'm with it.

We wanna discover new things
by changing the world around us.

That sounds right, um...

How about you hit me up next
week and we talk about it, okay?

Yeah, cool. Okay, next
week. Next week, uh-

- I can do Thursday.
- Thursday, : .

Okay, Wednesday at : is good for me.

Okay, see you Saturday at : .

[SAM] Cootie, that's time.

- My back hurts.
- I got a new pose, easier on your back.

- [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
- [CROWD CHEERING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Great Polypheme.

We've waited decades for your arrival.

Uh, what?

It's written by Sam that a giant
among men will reveal himself to us.

- Sam Spiegel? My agent?
- No. Sam Woodson.

He used to live over in
Novato with us. d*ed years ago.

Well, how does he know me?

He prophesied you.

He said you'd come
from a desolate place.

I'm not from a desolate
place. I'm from Oakland.

Yes, a desolate place.

Okay, you would think
that. You're from Marin.

- Agree to disagree, Great Polypheme.
- I'm not even into polyamory.

I'm kind of building up
to uno-amory right now.

Sticky Note Number says
you would be born in October.

I was born in August.

Exactly. August is the eighth month.

October is the original
eighth month, before Caesar.

You're the Messiah.

I'm not the Messiah.

And the Great Polypheme
will deny his own existence.

Sam, Sticky Note Number .

We'll await your
revelation and instructions.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[SAM] Cootie, remember... Horizon lips.

♪ Bing-Bang, Bing-Bang, Bing-Bang ♪

- - - - - - - - - .

- What?
- My number.

- - - - - - - - - . Do you
need me to write it down, or...

- - - - - - - - - . I'll remember.

Call me. You don't have to wait in line.

No, I can get you some burgers.

Okay.

But I don't like them.

I know.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[MAMA] Mm. Come on,
let's both have one more.

S-see, I-I knew it...

You know I don't party no more.

Agree to one, two, then
it's three. You don't stop.

You're damned right.
That's how you like me.

Rapid fire, repeating action.

Oh, this is your spot.

Cootie got out, but you still
here running around wild.

He didn't just get out,

you forced his hand and
you pushed him out more.

Listen, I didn't force him into no
sambo in the manger nativity scene.

The boy is making choices
on limited information.

Well then we need to
fill in the blanks for him

so that he has better choices.

I told you, we're not gonna...
Listen, and the information...

[BARTENDER] Hang on. I know who you are.

I'm a big fan. Sloppy Seconds
Martisse, Definite Destruction Martisse?

- Yeah, that's me.
- Tango or tiptoe Martisse.

I love all of that. And, you know,
there's that one video you guys made

that I play in here all the time.

It's on my phone though. Check
this out. Hang on one second.

Everybody, listen up.
We got a legend in here.

[PATRONS CHEERING] Turn that up!

- Get up on your music history right now.
- [PATRON] Turn that up!

- Check this out.
- ♪ Girl, you're trapped in my beam ♪

♪ This might be obscene ♪
♪ But I got a scheme ♪

[BARTENDER] Looks like you're
wearing the same thing now

you were wearing years ago.

♪ To bust out the seams ♪
♪ And we got the means ♪

♪ To get all up in them nuts ♪
♪ The truth is they're stuck ♪

♪ And we came to f*ck... ♪

Listen, we can't give him this
much information at this point.

And we gotta get him
to where he's going,

and then we gotta make sure he don't
make the mistakes so he can learn.

But when it comes for him...

We promised we wasn't
gonna talk about that.

- Look...
- No, not here.

We have to, because
when it comes for him,

there will be chaos, pain, blood,
and destruction all around us.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

Let's hope he's ready.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Yeah, uh ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Girl, you're trapped in my beam ♪
♪ This might be obscene ♪

♪ But I got a scheme ♪
♪ 'Cause we got platinum dreams ♪

♪ To bust out the seams ♪
♪ And we got the means ♪

♪ To get all up in them guts ♪
♪ The truth is they stuck ♪

♪ And we came to f*ck sh*t up ♪

♪ And stomp through the town ♪
♪ It's all coming down ♪

♪ I'm loving the sound ♪
♪ In a world that's way too cold ♪

♪ Come on and explode with me ♪

♪ Ain't nowhere that we can't go ♪

♪ Come on and explode ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Get up, uh ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Get up, uh ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Get up, uh ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Get up ♪

♪ You got the fire and I'm
trying to get the womp womp ♪

[LOGO RUMBLING]