02x01 - Grounded for Life

[bunniefuu]

( "America the Beautiful"
playing )

BIG PETE:
One hot Philadelphia summer,
some 200 years ago,

a bunch of guys
in powdered wigs

forged the great experiment

known as America.

And with the Fourth of July
just a week away,

my brother Pete was conducting
a great experiment of his own.

He would answer the question

that had haunted mankind
for centuries.

What happens
when a humidifier

and dehumidifier are turned on
at the same time?

( machines whirring )

( expl*si*n, debris clattering )

BIG PETE:
But great experiments don't
always have great outcomes.

True, the Founding Fathers
gained their freedom,

but Pete Wrigley was about
to lose his.

( panting )

Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD

? Hey, smilin' strange ?

? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?

? Can you settle to sh**t me ?

? Or have you picked
your target yet?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?

Look at this
scorch mark!

My sweet
Kentucky blue!

You k*lled it.

BIG PETE:
Dad didn't care

about the scientific impact
of Pete's experiment.

All he thought about
was the bet he made

with our dog-weed neighbor,
Mr. Lurgner.

The bet--

whoever has the best lawn
by July Fourth gets to watch

the loser mow both lawns
all summer.

Peek-a-boo, Donny boy.

It was a contest

they both took
pretty seriously.

For five consecutive summers,

Dad had lost to Mr. Lurgner.
( sinister chuckling )

And Pete's lawn flamb? was sure
to make it six.

Who cares
about your stupid grass?

Who cares?

Well, I'll tell
you who cares.

Come tomorrow
morning,

you'll care.

Oh, boy,

will you care.

Come on!
Get off of me!

( Dad grunting )

( whirring )

BIG PETE:
And come 6:00 a.m.

the next morning,

Dad made good on his thr*at.

First, he made Pete replant
the Kentucky bluegrass

he destroyed...

Do you care yet?
No!

...one seed at a time.

( laughing )

Next, Dad made Pete replace

the ruined irrigation system

by turning him
into a human sprinkler.

Do you care yet?

No!

BIG PETE:
Then...

Dad made Pete
give the scorch mark

a deep Swedish massage.

Do you care yet?

No!

BIG PETE:
But what he finally learned

was that all Pete really cared
about was one thing.

Freedom.

( motor humming )

Dad tried to track Pete
from police reports

picked up on the metal plate
in Mom's head

that she got from an accident
when she was a kid.

( static crackling )
Come on, honey.

Give me some signal.

DISPATCHER:
Suspect headed north
on Highway 4,

driving a Kreb Boy
2000 Mulch Master.

Highway 4.

He's going
to the border.

BIG PETE:
Pete made it as far
as the Manitoba Peninsula,

where he tried
to outwit Canada's finest

with the old
traveling salesman routine.

Name and occupation.

My name is Dirk Wayne,
and hand lotion is my game.

Guess you guys get kind of
chapped up here, huh?

( sighs )

Inside, Mister.

And Pete,
grab a shovel.

Mr. Horsey left us a present
for the scorch mark.

BIG PETE:
As Pete took his
last look at freedom,

he got his first look
at our new neighbor,

Nona F. Mecklenberg.

You're grounded.

Parameters.

House.

Privileges.

Food and bathroom.

Duration.

BIG PETE:
Dad had taken the pause

every kid dreads.

Would he show mercy?

Or would he be a parent?

One month.

Parent.

One month?!

Might as well ground me
for life!

I'll miss the Fourth of July--

the fireworks.

( sighs )

He'll miss the fireworks.

He'll miss the fireworks.

BIG PETE:
With Pete under house arrest

for the best part
of the summer,

Mom and I were enlisted

to serve in the great
lawn w*r of Wellsville.

Lawn hydration
is the key to victory.

Too much water can wipe out

all that we've worked for.

Thanks for the tip, Donny boy.

( dog barking )

( whimpering )
No dogs

on Lurgner grass.

What are you,

some kind of serial k*ller?

I'm just
protecting my turf.

Doggy wee-wee
kills grass

faster than acid.

Not from my dog.

Ever since moving
to your lousy town,

he won't squirt.

I don't blame him.

I hate this place, too.

Do you want to know
something about dogs?

Their brain is about
one-third of the size of ours,

but they're over
100% nicer.

( stomping )

( giggling )

You have soft hands,
for a man, Don.

BIG PETE:
As the sentence dragged on,

Artie did his superhero best

to keep Pete's spirits up

in the big house.
( humming )

Artie.
Yes?

Tell me about
the asphalt again.
( coughs )

You don't want it, boy.

Please?

When it rains,
it smells like summer.

No!

Boy, boy!

ARTIE:
A delightful
new product.

I thought you

would, uh...

dig it.

BIG PETE:
Pete had no idea

what Artie was getting at.

( humming )

He was just glad
to have the company.

Eh, Gus.

Calling it quits for today?

Give my best to the Missus.

At least the ants
could understand

what life was like
in the slammer.

Then, when he saw them
hard at work,

he suddenly knew

what Artie had in mind.
( humming to himself )

It was the idea of the century.

He figured if ants could do it,

why couldn't a kid?
( heavenly choir singing )

Pete was gonna tunnel his way
to freedom.

Starting point?

The basement.

Destination?

The new neighbor's yard.

Breakout date?

The Fourth of July.

Live free... or die.

Our forefathers
started a whole revolution

with a single document.

My brother Pete
started his revolution

with a 24-gauge paperweight

and a pile of concrete.

With Lady Liberty
leading the way,

Pete began his tunnel
to freedom.

The stakes were never higher.

If he got caught this time,

he probably
would be grounded for life.

DAD:
Wrench.

( grunts )

I got to fix this spigot.

( water spraying )

Do you, uh, hear something?

Parasites.

Parasites?

Parasites?

BIG PETE:
While the great lawn w*r

intensified above ground,

below ground,

Pete's great escape
went into overdrive.

He figured out every angle.

For lighting, he used Dad's
Christmas deluxe pack.

For oxygen,

he used the sprinkler pipes.

And for the hard layers
of rhyolite lava,

there was plenty of dynamite.

( expl*si*n )

Really big parasites.

( fizzing )

BIG PETE:
Then there was the dirt.

With Pete digging
nearly four feet a day,

the big problem became

where to hide it.

At first...

it really wasn't that hard.

But the more dirt

I had to hide,

the more creative I became.

Eventually...

helping Pete
helped me discover

my artistic side.

Meanwhile,

Nona got so homesick,

she began to plaster
her new house

with pictures of her old one.
( dog barking )

That didn't
stop the loneliness,

but her dog Nimbus
was about to find

someone who could.

After we get out of here,
Petunia,

I'll treat you
to a nice, juicy steak.

NONA:
Okay, make mine
medium rare

with grilled onions.

Who said that?

Up here.

My name's Nona F. Mecklenberg.

"F's" for Frances.

I'm gonna legally change it,

either to Flame or Forklift.

I'm Pete.

My Dad grounded me for a month.

I'm tunneling out.

I wish I could get out of here.

I hate this place.

So does Nimbus.

( grunting )

Ugh!

DAD:
Hey, there's a kid

out there talking

to my lawn.

Which kid, honey?

You know, the kid
who has the dog
that can't pee?

Oh, that kid.

Well, maybe she's
just a little lonely, dear.

Well, of all the trees

and lampposts
on this street,

why does she have
to talk to my lawn?

Hmm.

I'm busting out on the Fourth.

With everyone at the fireworks,

I can make a clean break.

Can I go, too?

LITTLE PETE:
Sure.

Where are you going to go?

Anywhere but Canada.

How about Missouri?

It's the "Show Me" state.

DAD:
Show me what?

What do you think
you're doing?

Uh, talking
to your grass.

It helps it grow,
you know.

It's a botanic fact.

Scram.

"Makes it grow."

( laughing ):
Geez.

DAD:
I love the way the moonbeams

shimmer off your midnight dew.

Your soft, fragrant tendrils

caress the backs of my feet,

and your verdant lushness

tickles my cheek

and takes my breath away.

( Dad sighs )

What a nimrod.

BIG PETE:
As Pete kept working
below ground,

he didn't know
that above ground,

his tunnel
was k*lling Dad's grass,

and with it,
his one sh*t at freedom.

As Pete made his great escape,

little did he know
that his secret tunnel

wasn't so secret anymore.

The only person

who could save him

was the loneliest girl
in Wellsville.

( sniffs )

I think I'll say good
morning to the lawn.

Mm-hmm.

BIG PETE:
She had no problem
matching the color.

She just hoped the paint
would dry in time.

"A botanic fact."

With the Fourth of July
only two days away,

Pete was ten feet from freedom

and working 'round the clock.

Hoffa.

As a matter of fact,

so was Dad.

Especially since talking
to the grass

really did help it grow.

I remember when you
were this big,

you gorgeous, nutty lawn.

Keep up the good work.

You're going to make it.

You bet I am.

You see that?

You better start growing.

I mean now.

I created you,

and I can destroy you.

BIG PETE:
But Scuzzmaster Lurgner
decided long ago

that he would never be beaten.

He was gonna win
no matter what it took.

All is fair in love
and lawn care, Donny boy.

( squeaking )

Lurgner?

Lurgner.

Lurgner!

( water gushing )

Pete, Pete, are you okay?

Pete?

BIG PETE:
Pete wasn't okay.

It's over.

It's ruined.

Lurgner's sabotage
had flooded his tunnel.

( "Yankee Doodle" playing )

To Dad,
the Fourth of July

wasn't just
our nation's birthday,

it was a celebration
of freedom.

It was the root of democracy.

It was the day

he would lose to Lurgner.

( whimpers )

And the day Pete

would lose his tunnel.

Sectors "E" through "J,"
history.

( sobbing ):
One, two,

three, four, five.

Oh, don't die on me.

Fight!

You're Kentucky blue.

Fight!

( sobbing )

DAD:
My fault.

I should have
fixed the spigot!

My fault!

In the end,

not even CPR
could save Kentucky blue.

The grass is always greener

on the Lurgner side.

Eh, Don?

( chuckles )
As for Pete,
his quest for freedom

was dead on arrival.

Come on, Wrigleys,
we're gonna enjoy

these fireworks no matter what.

Honey, we can't
leave Pete now.

Don't worry. With that
security system,

he so much as touches a window,
every cop in the state

will be all over him.

I mean the grounding.

Hasn't it gone
far enough?

Come on, Dad, Pete
loves the fireworks.

And besides,
you already
lost to Lurgner.

What's the point?

The point is respect.

Respect for my
inalienable right as an American

to a perfect lawn.

And Pete still
has to learn his lesson.

Now, let's move out.

Come on.

( car starts )

NONA:
Pete! Pete!

This is our chance.

Come on!

Why do you even bother?

You'll never
get out of that snake pit.

Give it up.

Pete!

( dramatic music plays )
Give me your poor,

your tired,

your grounded masses,

struggling to be free
through hard-packed clay.

BIG PETE:
When Pete heard the impassioned
words of Lady Liberty,

he thought of the countless
millions before him,

who struggled
against oppression

risking everything they had

so they might one day
be able to utter the one word

that meant
more than life itself.

Freedom.

( scraping )

While Nona's speech helped Pete
find his second wind...

DAD:
Pete, set your mom's chair up
over here.

( John Philip Sousa march
playing )

...over at Throneberry Park,
where the fireworks

are held every year
in Wellsville,

Dad was starting to have
second thoughts.

Everything he saw
reminded him of...

Pete.

Pete.

Come on, boys.

You're free.

Thanks for all your work.

( fuse crackling )

( firework whistling )

( loud blast )

( sniffles )
Pete would have loved this.

Dad decided then and there

he was gonna set Pete free,

but Pete b*at him to it.

( dramatic music playing )

Hold on, Pete.

Hold on, boy.

I'm free!

You hear?

Free!

Oh, don't you worry.

Daddy's on his way.

I thought you'd be shorter.

I am.

Hey, Nimbus.

Pete, we got to go.

Wait.

I've got to do something first.

Something for my dad.

Nimbus,

it's time to mark
your territory.

Let's go.
Come on, now.

Pete brought Nimbus
and his bloated bladder

to Lurgner's yard,

for the oldest form of justice:

an eye for an eye

and a flood for a flood.

Let's go, Nimbus.

You know you want to.

No way my little boy
is gonna miss the fireworks.

Wait, why didn't I
think of this before?

A picture of the carpet
from our old house.

His favorite pee spot.

Here.

Look, Nimbus.

( heavenly choir singing )

Go, Nimbus! Go!

Look at him go!

We've got to get out of here.

Yeah, Nimbus!

All right, yeah!

? I'm a Yankee Doodle Daddy ?

? Yankee Doodle do or... ?

Die!

Run, save yourself!

Not without you!

( sighs )

Guess I'm grounded
till Halloween.

Try Christmas.

Now take one last look,

because the next time
you see the outside,

you're going to be
old enough to drive.

( fireworks exploding )

BIG PETE:
And suddenly there it was:

The most magical moment
of the summer.

Aww, Pete, I can't deny you
your freedom.

It goes against everything
America stands for.

You're right, Dad.

Your lawn's important
to you.

I'm sorry
I screwed it up.

Oh, that's all
I wanted to hear.

I mean,
most other fathers

have stuff
that they're good at.

Like business or sports...

all you have is
a pile of grass.

Thanks, son.

That's all I wanted
to hear.

BIG PETE:
Maybe Dad and Pete

weren't able to watch
the fireworks up close,

but they were watching them
together.

And somehow, after all
they'd been through,

the fireworks meant more
than they ever had before.

So the great lawn w*r
of Wellsville

finally ended in a tie...

( chuckling )
after both sides
were caught cheating.

It wasn't exactly peace,

but at least there'd be
no formal hostilities

until next summer.

Nona decided to give Wellsville
another chance,

since she'd found
a new friend.

And as for Pete...
Dad reduced his sentence

to cutting both lawns
for the rest of the summer.

It was a pain, but in the end,

it seemed like a small price
to pay for freedom.

? Waiting for October ?

? I'm in the book and I'll
be learning how to fly ?

? He's coming down
but he's not alone ?

? He's gonna bring
an army of saints ?

? And he's taking
all his back home ?

? And then destroying
what remains ?

? Waiting for October ?

? I cross my fingers ?

? Cross my heart
and hope to die ?

? Waiting for October ?

? I'm in the book
and I'll be learning... ?

? To be wings ?

? To be wings ?

? Oh-oh-oh... ?

? Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... ?

? Hoping that the end ?

? Will start it all again ?

? And that's when
numeral history will die... ?