02x04 - The Big Quiet

[bunniefuu]

BIG PETE:
This is my brother, Pete.

And this is Gary.

Technically,
Gary is Pete's pet.

But the truth is,
they're best friends.

Quit stalling, insect breath.

Move.

Some people say
it's not a good idea

to have a lizard for a pet.

Mostly because they really
don't do anything except eat,

sunbathe and sulk a lot.

Gary was different.

He was a lizard who knew
how to live large.

But as we were all
about to find out...

This one?

...the very lust for life
that made Gary special

would finally do him in.

Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD

? Hey, smilin' strange ?

? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?

? Can you settle to sh**t me ?

? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?

BIG PETE:
The bond between a boy
and his reptile

is a beautiful thing.

Buckle up, Gary.

It's not just the law,
it feels good.

Their friendship was
responsible for the invention

of a lizard-sized
foosball game,

a lizard-sized shower massage,

and of course,
a lizard-sized bike seat.

Hang on, Gary.

I only know one speed-- fast.

While Pete and Gary

made inter-species
communication look easy,

I was having problems

talking to a member
of my own family--

my dad.

( watch beeps )

I'll never have to turn
on a spigot again.

How about those a*t*matic
sprinklers, huh, Pete?

a*t*matic... is good.

You bet it's good.

I used to talk to my dad
about everything.

But one day something changed.

It was like
I could see the words

come right out of my mouth
and they looked stupid.

But then again, anything was
better than saying nothing...

and plunging into the parent-
kid black hole of silence

known as "The Big Quiet."

So, Pete,
how's marching band?

It's good.

So how's your summer
vacation going?

Good.

Just between you and me,
how's your love life?

Good?

But it wasn't good at all.

And as things between
Dad and I got worse,

I actually started
to get a little jealous

of Pete and Gary.

They talked about everything.

LITTLE PETE:
I never told anyone this, but...

clowns, you know,
the kind in the circus?

They scare me.

Don't tell anyone, okay?

BIG PETE:
Before "The Big Quiet"
got bigger,

I decided to talk
to my friends.

You're not
alone, Pete.

We've all
been through it.

I never know what to
talk about with my dad.

So whenever he's around,
I just fake falling asleep.

( laughs ) He thinks I have
a degenerative brain disorder.

Well, I made an action
figure of my dad,

and I spend a half an
hour every day with it

on intensive
conversation journals.

TEDDY:
You guys are lucky.

My dad and I

have to go to a special
kind of therapy.

We talk...

with socks.

If I say something dumb,
you'll treat me like a kid.

FATHER:
But you are a kid.

No, I'm not.
I'm a talking sock.

Good.

Sock puppets?

It's not so bad.

You get to keep
them afterwards.

Ooh!

Pete! Gary!

( cries )

Devastating tragedy.

Unspeakable.

Pile.

He was chasing his ball.

I yelled for him to stop,
but Gary was too excited.

He never saw the car.

Holy moley.

That lizard came out of nowhere.

I didn't see him.

Ooh! Oh!

( softly ):
Gary.

Sorry, kiddo, he's gone.

Sorry, my little Viking.

I failed the code
of the crosswalk--

to serve and protect.

I know your pain.

Give the lad room.

Shouldn't you do something?

Maybe just be with him.

Not now.

I think he needs
to be alone.

I've lost pets, too.

I know how it feels.

So if you ever want
to talk, let me know.

( sighs heavily ):
What'll I do now?

Come on,
I'll show you.

It's not much,
but it's something.

BIG PETE:
Monica Purling
is kind of famous

for having bad luck with pets.

So when someone's pet dies,
she's there prepared,

kind of like
a Girl Scout of death.

And she's had a lot of pets.

LITTLE PETE:
Wow.

Here lies Tina,

the gutsiest yellow-fin
lily fish ever.

I told her
a million times

lily fish aren't
supposed to skydive.

But she just
wouldn't listen.

Over here is Norba.

Pete, if you ever
get a snake,

take all your
mom's high heels

and throw them in the river.

See, these guys

were my true friends,

like you and Gary.

You don't just forget
a friend.

Do you?

BIG PETE:
Little did Pete know that those
words would change him forever.

And speaking of words,

I was trying to avoid
using them at all costs.

First, I tried
the mouth-full technique.

It worked,
but I gained five pounds.

( muffled, indistinct talking )

Then I gave up
speaking all together.

I figured it
was a fool-proof plan.

Hey, Pete, what's up?

But there was no escape.

Pete...?

Your dad and I
would like to talk to you.

I was headed for
sock puppet therapy.

Honey, this
has gone too far.

We've got to do
something.

I don't want to wear a sock.

Uh, come and sit down, son.

We need

to talk.

We're worried.

It's Pete.

And you've got to help us.

He's really broken up
over losing Gary.

So this Saturday

I want you
and your father

to drive to the lizard ranch
in Cumberland

and find him a new pet.

Cumberland?

But that's
a two-hour drive.

Well, that's okay, son.

Give us a chance
to sh**t the breeze.

You know, like
we used to, huh?

( drum beats slowly )

The day of Gary's funeral was
the saddest day of Pete's life.

Fortunately,
Monica got Pete a good deal

on a turquoise coffin
with taffeta inlays.

She said Lou Costello
went out that way.

I guess that made Pete
feel a little better.

Dearly liked...

today is a day for
good-byes.

I remember
the tingly-tongued lad--

Gary, as we called him--
in a way.

And now... well, now,
he's but a memory...

a memory...
living somewhere

in the lap of...

the Big One.

Gary, wherever
you are,

always know
that there

is a hand of--
Bob's Your Uncle--

finely dealt for you.

Any regret, anyone?

Any regret at all?

Any... uh...?

Anything at all?

I guess you can all go now.

Thanks for your time.

It's all my fault,
Chief.

I let you down.

I let Gary down.

I am giving up my post.

You just say the word,
and I'll be here,

24 hours a day.

Is there anything
I can do?

Just don't forget
Gary, ever.

Because I won't.

BIG PETE:
I could tell that Gary's
funeral wasn't enough for Pete.

And as they laid
the Lizard King

into his final resting place,

Pete swore there'd be
no rest for Wellsville

until Gary got the good-bye
he deserved.

Saying good-bye
to someone can be hard,

even when you know you're
going to see them again,

but for Pete,

saying good-bye to Gary

was the hardest thing
in his whole life.

LITTLE PETE:
This is WART Radio.

Before I play "The End"
by Jim Morrison,

the Lizard King himself,

I want to tell you
about tomorrow's tribute,

Hands Across Wellsville.
( dramatic music plays )

We're going to start at Mrs.
Jacuuti's front lawn and make

a 20-mile-long
human chain in honor of

my Lizard King... Gary.

( music distorts, stops )

Where is everybody?

We're here, Chief,
that's what counts.

Yup!

To do your duty.

Gary deserves
more respect, Pete.

When Lincoln d*ed, they shut
down a railroad for a week.

We got to do
something big, too.

Don't worry, Gary.

I'll think of something.

( rhythmic grunting )

( garbled voice ):
Hey, Pete!

( shrieks )

Ellen. Geez,
you scared me.

It's just an action figure.

I know,

but it's so real.

Thanks.

Now just relax, okay?

The key is
to come up with things

that your dad likes
to talk about,

to take the pressure off you.

Okay.

Uh, Dad...

you know... uh...

a*t*matic sprinklers
are really great.

You know, the way they...
( stammers )... sprinkle...

automatically.

Whoa. This is serious.

BIG PETE:
It started pretty rough,

but gradually I got
a little more comfortable.

You know, Dad,

I don't throw the word
"soulmates" around lightly,

but you and me,
we're cosmic companions.

Hey, you two.
What's going on?

We're playing...
with a doll.

Your mother doesn't know
about this, does she?

Good. Hey!

Remember, 9:00
tomorrow morning.

It's a long way to
the lizard ranch.

Meanwhile...

Pete was still trying to make
the world remember Gary,

so that night
he unveiled his big idea--

a multimedia extravaganza,
called Gary-Max.

Gary and Pete
did everything together.

Here they are
checking the fuse box.

Instead
of honoring Gary's memory,

I was busy cramming
my head full of Dad facts.

Okay, ready?

"Anti-fungal cream
should always be applied..."

By a doctor.

No. Directly
to the problem area.

My turn.

What's your dad's
philosophy of life?

Always sear in the juices.

ALL:
No!

That's his grilling philosophy.

FRANK:
And here's Gary and Petunia
doing the Aztec jiggle,

the, uh...
Oh, we seem to be having

some technical difficulties.

Ladies and gentlemen,
stay in your seat.

Gary-Max'll be right back.

Hey! Hey, you flameheads!

Come back!

I know you want
to see that...

( voice breaking ):
that lizard boogie.

Nobody cares.

Thanks, guys.

I owe ya.

Here, take these.

It's two hours
worth of material.

Now, I put two
emergency cards in there.

One is a joke
about a peacock and a duck,

and the other says
to talk about compound interest.

Hopefully,
you won't need them.

I'll be thinking
about you.

So, Ellen...

what's your excuse?

Um... I was busy.

Sorry,
Pete.

Yeah,
right.

It doesn't matter.

By tomorrow,
the whole world

will know about Gary.

And you
better get
there early.

The first 50
mourners get a
free black armband.

Fire it up, Frank.

We've got
work to do.

A friendly reminder--
don't look into the flame.

BIG PETE:
So, finally,
the big day arrived.

Both of us stood staring into
the gaping maw of a giant abyss.

For me, it was "the Big Quiet."

For Pete,

it was eternity itself.

( applause )

This eternal flame
will last forever,

just like Gary's memory.

Pete had built the most
elaborate memorial

ever designed for a pet.

Don't worry, Chief.

It's early yet.

People will come.

MONICA:
Make it bigger,

so the whole
world can see.

Don't worry.

I get propane
at wholesale.

Crank it, Frank.

10-Four, Chief.

Ah... quick reminder--
do not look into the flame.

LITTLE PETE:
It worked.

BIG PETE:
As for me,

well... the time had come

to either spit in the eye
of "the Big Quiet,"

or become its whimpering sl*ve.

So, uh, Dad...

how's the
web worm problem?

Web worms?
What are you talking about?

I mean, uh... oh, marth,
moth larvae.

Uh, web worms are also known

as moth larvae.

Oh, that, well,

let me tell you what I did.

I made my own formula. It's all

natural
ingredients.
Uh-huh.

In fact, I even
used some Hoover
Dam well water.

( contented sigh )

You know, Dad, I read an article
that says people are using fruit

in their barbecue marinade.

Ha. Funny.
You know,

I heard that
before, too.

But you know what
the key to marinating is.

It's simple.

It's not the time,

it's the
ingredients.
Yes!

The kid was on a roll.

We were sh**ting the breeze
and laying down the miles,

and with a fistful
of Dad a*mo at my disposal,

I was in the driver's seat.

That is,
until Fate blindsided me.

Uh-oh.

What?!

Well, there's a traffic jam.
Oh, for gosh sakes.

( distant horns honking )
We could be
stuck here for hours.

Hours?

I can't.

We can't!

I couldn't believe it.

A five-mile backup,

all because one man was

doing his duty
at death's door...

Right this way.

...instead of the crosswalk,
where he belonged.

( horns honking )

The longer we sat in traffic,

the more Dad a*mo I used up.

Finally, all I had left
were my two emergency cards.

So, Dad...

what can you tell me
about compound interest?

Compound interest?

Well, a lot.

I mean, the term
"compound"... well...

Oh, will you look
at this traffic?!

Oh...

( watch beeps )

You know, there's
only one thing

in this world
I can count on.

Factory-pressed
charcoal?

No, my a*t*matic

sprinklers.

And now Gary's memory
will live forever,

just like this flame.

No!

( grunts )

( screaming )

No!

( embers sizzle )

Well, this has been
very interesting.

I-I think we'll head over

to the acoustic-tile
museum now.

Thanks. Bye.

Pete, honey,

this has
gone too far.

You've done
a great job

telling the world
about Gary,

but now it's time to stop.

MONICA:
No.

Don't give up.

Once this thing dries,

you'll be mourning again
in no time.

MOM:
No, Pete.

It's time to start living again.

That's what Gary
loved about you.

Don't let go.

Ever.

( sighs )

I guess I should

turn off
the sprinkler.

No, don't.

Water's good
for the bugs,

and that's good
for lizards.

Mom...

can you help me with something?

BIG PETE:
As Pete stepped back
from the edge of the abyss,

I was falling... fast.

S-S-So, Dad,

a duck and a peacock
walk into a bar...

Uh-huh.

Go ahead.

What was the point?

It was sock-puppet
therapy for me.

There was nothing I could do

but surrender to the nothingness
of "the Big Quiet."

Go ahead.

They walk into
the bar...

And that's when Pete saved me.

LITTLE PETE:
This is a special bulletin

from WART Radio.

BIG PETE:
After all the tributes
and memorials,

Pete decided it was finally
time to say good-bye,

and with the metal plate
in our mom's head

boosting the signal
to three counties,

Pete said "so long" his way.

A few days ago
I lost my friend, Gary.

And ever since...

I've been trying to figure out
how to say good-bye.

I guess the answer is,

there's nothing to say.

So maybe we could all
just think about him

with a minute of silence.

To Gary...

friend, neighbor,

Lizard King.

BIG PETE:
All along, I had
feared the quiet,

and now that I was in it,

I realized that I didn't
have to fill the space

between Dad and I
with a lot of words.

If I couldn't think
of something to say,

I could just be quiet.

He'd still be my dad.

We'd still love each other.

LITTLE PETE ( over radio ):
Thanks.

Now, on with the show.

Uh, what do you say
we go home now?

I've got a feeling
Pete's okay.

Were you saying
something before?

Oh, yeah.

but it's not important.

In the end,

Pete's moment of silence
spoke to all of us,

each in a different way.

( blowing whistle )
Frank returned to his post,

where he protected all species,

big and small.

Pete learned that you
can let go of a friend

without letting go

of a friendship.

Think she'd like
a bike seat?

As for me, well,

not all of my fears about
talking with Dad were cured.

Want a lift?

Dad!

( clucks tongue )

But then again,

sometimes talking

isn't all it's cracked up to be.